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    Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No
    Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No
    Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No
    Ebook207 pages2 hours

    Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No

    By Anne Brown

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    About this ebook

    Backbone Power The Science of Saying No brings insight into waking up, making the decision to set an intention, and accept the challenge of learning to say NO, which means YES for you. As you begin practicing your own self-care and gaining inner peace, you will come to the realization that you are the priority.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateNov 19, 2013
    ISBN9781619619227
    Backbone Power: The Science of Saying No
    Author

    Anne Brown

    Anne Brown has had a lifelong interest in early Australian history, particularly in the encounters between the traditional owners and those whose arrival so profoundly changed the indigenous people’s lives. Following a long teaching career, she worked in the field of Aboriginal cultural heritage. It was there that she learned the strange and compelling story of William Wimmera. She has a degree in archaeology and Aboriginal studies. She is now retired and living in Melbourne.

    Read more from Anne Brown

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      Book preview

      Backbone Power - Anne Brown

      change.

      CHAPTER ONE

      OVERVIEW

      As anxious as you are to begin learning How to Say No, and as anxious as I am for you to begin to see and feel the results, let’s first see what’s at stake.

      If people-pleasing amounted to nothing more than a series of misguided choices, we could simply add, Correct them to our To-Do list. But that’s not the case.

      The consequences of people-pleasing are severe, and cost us in the domains of health, personal life, finance, relationships, career, and dignity, much like any serious illness. [7]

      If you learned you had cancer, you would drop everything to seek treatment. While people-pleasing doesn’t carry the same stigma as the C-word, it does come with serious consequences of its own, and requires immediate attention.

      So what is this phenomenon of people-pleasing? In essence, it’s the need to avoid conflict and make everyone in the world like us. It’s an irrational goal that comes with all kinds of serious risks to our emotional and physical well-being.

      Emotional Health Risks

      Instead of engaging in healthy and relaxing conversation, peoplepleasers put themselves through an emotionally exhausting process. Take the following conversation:

      Landlord: You’re the worst tenant I’ve ever had. You make too much noise. I can hear you upstairs. I can hear you in the bathroom. I can hear you on the phone. The lights are always on. I can see them through the crack under the door. You’re always washing your clothes. You’re costing me a fortune.

      Tenant: ....

      Why can’t the tenant respond right away? Because for years, he’s suppressed his own ideas. The longer we play the role of peoplepleaser, the less likely it is that we know how we feel about anything anymore.

      Instead, we revert to behavior we acquired as children, when we did our best to keep dysfunction at bay: parents yelling, hitting, drinking, bullying, intimidating, and/or disappearing.

      Before we respond to someone like the landlord, peoplepleasers process a series of thoughts:

      • What can I say to ensure that I’ll be liked?

      • What’s troubling the other person? (This is otherwise known as mind reading.)

      • How do I phrase my response so as to avoid any confrontation?

      Then and only then, after having completed this exhausting mental exercise, with what profound and poignant words do we respond?

      Tenant: Yes, you’re right.

      What’s even more disappointing is that, in all likelihood, we actually believe it. After all, everyone in our family always told us how horrible we were. Maybe it’s true.

      Client: Maybe my landlord is right. Everyone in my family told me I was thoughtless, noisy, clumsy, insensitive, and a burden, so it must be true. I’ve been trying to live quietly in her house, but I guess I’m just incapable.

      Therapist: No. Actually, when you pay rent to someone, you have the right to create yourself in that space. You are not horrible! This is simply a toxic environment for you.

      It took some time for this client to believe he was not the bad person here. Eventually, he moved out to create his own space with a gracious landlord.

      If we’re insecure and bullied by toxic people, the tendency is to blame ourselves. But how do we tell a toxic environment from a non-toxic one?

      Setting Standards

      It has to do with setting standards for ourselves and how we’ll be treated. First, we have to be able to recognize when we lack such standards.

      Those moments are often epiphanies, highly charged and emotional because they’re simultaneously happy and sad. They are the very sorts of memories that when I open my office door each morning, I recall with delight.

      I see myself sitting across from a client. He is on a couch; I’m in my chair. There’s a coffee table between us, a bowl of chocolates, water, cough drops, certificates hanging on brick walls painted white.

      Client: I see what you’re saying. I’ve never had standards for the way people can treat me.

      In addition to recognizing that many of us don’t have standards, if we’re in an environment where standards we set are not honored, it’s toxic.

      What the domain is doesn’t matter: love, health, finances, community service, parents, children. Nor does it matter who the other person involved is. Standards are standards.

      For example, many of us accept ill-mannered treatment from a doctor or lawyer because of the status we give that person’s job.

      In fact, there’s a TV commercial dealing with this point: A couple is sitting across from each other at a restaurant, menus in hand. A waiter approaches to take their order:

      Waiter: So, do you have any questions?

      Woman: What is the soup of the day?

      Waiter: We have a mulligatawny soup.

      Woman: Do you have any specials?

      Waiter: We have a steak special today.

      Woman: Oh, how is that cooked?

      Waiter: It’s pan-seared and then ....

      Woman (interrupting the waiter): Does that come with a side dish? Is it grilled? Can I have it steamed? What do you recommend? What kind of pie do you have? Are you an actor? Aren’t you from Ohio?

      The woman won’t let up. She’s in an environment where she’s comfortable, and it shows. She’s comfortable asking

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