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Literature of the Absurd
Literature of the Absurd
Literature of the Absurd
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Literature of the Absurd

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The title is self-explanatory. These short stories are absolutely ridiculous. There are seven short stories in this collection which are fantastical nature. Everything from witches to angels to masters of the occult. Read and you will be amazed.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherJohn Northern
Release dateSep 19, 2010
ISBN9780979823831
Literature of the Absurd
Author

John Northern

Doctor of Chiropractic

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    Book preview

    Literature of the Absurd - John Northern

    LITERATURE OF THE ABSURD

    A Collection of Short Stories

    Published by John Northern at Smashwords

    Second Edition January 2020

    Copyright 2010 by John Northern

    Table of Contents

    Story 1 - The Blight

    Story 2 - The Case of the Schmoldenese Falcon

    Story 3 - The Golden Fish

    Story 4 - The Highway Department

    Story 5 - The House Trap

    Story 6 - The Job

    Story 7 - The Match

    Story 8 – Valley of the Nog Fog

    THE BLIGHT

    Commander Garg, second in command of the intergalactic starship ‘Xirnon Repert,’ rolled out of bed and put his feet on the floor. Probably going to be another lousy day, he thought as he reached up with his six green fingers and wiped the sweat from his brow. At first he thought it was a nightmare that made him sweat, but then he realized it wasn’t. By God, he thought, I’m living during the most horrible devastating destruction ever experienced by intelligent beings---the death of entire planets, and so far there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Our scientists are completely baffled.

    He walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror at his green face. His black hair drooped over one eye. He pushed it back and retrieved a toothbrush from a small drawer next to the sink and started brushing his teeth. If the scientists couldn’t find a way to stop it, all life in the entire galaxy would cease to exist. His race and all races would be wiped out. It would be as if they had never existed.

    He put his toothbrush away and rinsed his mouth and spit. He performed his other morning quotidians, including combing his hair. When he finished, he put the comb away, and walked into the other room where he got dressed. It had already engulfed nearly one tenth of the galaxy. What was that---more than one quadrillion planets? All life extinct.

    And they just kept coming. Little black spheres---very tiny, but visible to the naked eye, multiplying, expanding in numbers, landing on a planet---landing en masse and killing everything---plants, insects, animals, intelligent life, and even the microorganisms---the bacteria, the viruses, everything!

    But what are they? How do they kill? The scientists had no idea. They couldn’t tell if they were alive or like a virus---considered not alive. When they put one of the tiny black balls under a super electron microscope, they were unable to see inside, and nothing they used would break open the outer shell.

    He thought about that fateful day, twelve years ago, when the magistrate of a colonized planet in the beta sector, near the edge of the galaxy, called the home planet, yelling in fear that something had invaded their planet and was killing everything with which it came in contact. What is it? asked Central Command. But he didn’t answer---how could he?---they still don’t know what it is. He yelled back. We have to evacuate, immediately.

    The magistrate acted quickly and in so doing saved nearly a twentieth of the population of the planet. As many of the citizens as they could gather in the spaceports were quickly ushered into spaceships and flown from the planet to a safe haven.

    Now here was Garg, eight years later, helping intelligent life forms to evacuate their planets fleeing the invading, tiny black balls.

    Garg snapped his sleeves around his wrists, and said, Open. The door to his compartment slid open, and he walked into the hall. He turned right and headed for the etron mover. This particular spaceship, one of many, which had been fitted with one hundred thousand compartments---for intelligent life forms, and a huge animal bay---for transporting animals indigenous to their planet, had evacuated one hundred thirty-eight inhabited planets to the other side of the galaxy in the last eight years. They had just been able to stay ahead of the black blight, but it was a difficult task---fast and furious.

    Garg stepped onto the etron mover. It would take him to the control room, which was situated in the middle of the ship a hundred and twenty-two floors up (or down depending on how you look at it).

    Garg stepped out of the mover and into the control room. He quickly surveyed the men and women. There were more than one hundred of them either sitting or standing at their stations, while others went from one station to another performing their duties. The captain was sitting in her swivel chair in the middle of the room studying computer screens.

    Garg walked over and sat in the chair next to the captain’s. He looked at his computer screen and said, Garg on duty.

    Without acknowledging him, the captain said to her second in command, We’ve come to an unusual planet. She looked up.

    Garg gave her a questioning look. What’s different about it? he asked.

    They have an intelligent life form, but we can’t find any large cities. She paused and said to the computer, Bring up the hologram of planet XXX19S.

    An ethereal depiction of the planet immediately jumped to life in a round open area a few feet in front of them. You see, she said. They had large cities once, but they’ve all been destroyed---probably in a war.

    Garg could see at least two dozen remains of cities along the coastline of two of the contents. There were large black pits in the middle of each with vast destruction to the buildings and structures along the periphery. What a shame, said Garg.

    Yes, agreed the Captain. But now it’s going to be more difficult to find a governmental organization or persons of authority who can oversee the evacuation of their planet.

    They sat silent for a moment, then Garg said, I think we should start there. He pointed at a large smattering of homes and farms in the plains on one of the contents. It seems to be the largest population in one area.

    I was looking at that, said the Captain. She grimaced, but I don’t see any large structures, which would indicate a government building. She paused for a moment while she thought it over. Okay, she said. We’ll try them first. Get the away-team together, and this time you and I are going with them. I want to make sure we get this going quickly.

    Garg raised a black eyebrow on his green face. The captains of intergalactic spaceships were advised to never go to the surface of an alien planet for fear of the unknown and the unexpected---things which could immediately kill or maim.

    The Captain saw the look. Like I said, I want this evacuation to go quickly. The blight is on our heels, and we need to move faster.

    Yes, ma’am, said Garg. He turned to his Lieutenant. Get the away-team ready, and tell them the Captain and I will be accompanying them to the surface of the planet.

    Yes, sir, replied the Lieutenant. He hurried away.

    *

    *

    The shuttlecraft was a hundred meters in diameter and fifty meters thick in the center, tapering to ten meters at the outside circumference. Its shape was that of a disc. Its color was silver and readily reflected sunlight in all directions. Garg thought about his civilization thousands of years ago when it was warlike. The shuttlecraft would have had a full arsenal of weapons and its outside would have been camouflaged and would have changed color with the sky or the surroundings. It was almost impossible to detect with the naked eye.

    But that was then, not now. It suddenly occurred to Garg that the life of civilizations was like that of an intelligent being. In the beginning the baby is born. If it’s healthy---being brought up in a healthy environment, it survives into childhood at which time it begins to learn (the development of science and technology in a civilization). As it continues to learn it moves into its teenage years at which time it becomes rebellious, thwarting advice and authority of the adults (neighboring and more advanced civilizations). Then it moves into the young adult stage, at which time it feels a need to prove its manhood and to flex its muscles. The young adult gets into fights, whether it be physical fights, political fights, financial fights, and so on. Finally, as the intelligent being gets older it begins to mellow. It no longer has to prove it has power. It becomes peaceful and more loving, trying to help the younger generation with its knowledge and experience.

    Garg thought that this was a good analogy, comparing the existence of an intelligent being from birth to death with the existence of a civilization from birth to death. He knew that this, of course, was a generalization, that not all civilizations followed this pattern, but it was a good generalization because most civilizations did follow this pattern.

    The civilization that he now lived in was in that stage of being peaceful and helpful. That is why they now helped the populations of other planets to relocate to the other side of the galaxy out of harm’s way, while the scientists worked day and night on a solution for stopping the black blight.

    The Captain sat in her chair next to the round table in the control room of the shuttle looking, as always, prim and proper, and in Garg’s eyes, pretty and sexy. Garg sat next to her. The other twelve men and women who sat around the table were mostly strategists and statisticians who could quickly analyze situations and give advice.

    In the middle of the table was a three dimensional holographic depiction of the planet, which continually changed as they came closer to the surface. When they were but a mile away, the landing analyzer, a middle aged lieutenant, pointed at the hologram and said to the Captain, Ma’am, there’s nothing but farm lands in all directions. If we are to land in this vicinity, we shall have to land on someone’s crops.

    Lieutenant, in less than a year the blight will be here, and then nothing will be living. So, it doesn’t really matter if we destroy a small plot of a farmer’s crops. Pick a spot and land the ship.

    Yes, Ma’am.

    When the ship landed, the hologram showed a farmhouse about a half a mile away. It could be seen in detail along with everything else within a two-mile radius.

    Garg, said the Captain.

    Yes, Ma’am.

    Send out the linguistics crew.

    Yes, Ma’am.

    Whenever they landed on a planet they had to analyze the language spoken by the aliens in order to communicate with them. The linguistics crew, which was sent out, was composed of a linguist and two armed guards. Only three were sent because an unknown planet was considered dangerous until all the indigenous microorganisms, insects, plants, animals, and, most importantly, the intelligent life forms had been studied and categorized as benign or dangerous. There was no need to endanger more lives until after the language analysis was complete.

    Just then, the hologram showed a man stepping out of his dwelling. He walked across the porch, down the three steps, and onto the path leading away from his house. He looked at the spaceship with an expression of indifference.. He was a white man with brown hair. He was about the average size of males in Garg’s civilization.

    He doesn’t seem surprised or afraid, said Garg.

    No he doesn’t, and that may not be a good thing, replied the Captain.

    A minute later the two armed-guards and the linguist came into view in the hologram. They approached the alien. All they had to do was get him to speak a few words and then the linguistic computer would take over and start to build a language for the communicator. After the alien had spoken three or more long paragraphs, the language would be ninety plus percent complete.

    They watched as the linguist talked to the man. A moment later the linguist spoke into his communicator. Captain, they speak our language!

    The Captain looked at Garg. Impossible, she said.

    Garg shook his head. The possibility of an alien civilization speaking our language is one in one septillion. In other words, you’re right, it’s impossible.

    Then how?

    I have no idea, said Garg. He spoke into the communicator. Do they seem friendly?

    Yes, sir, said the linguist.

    Okay, said the Captain to the linguist. You stay there. We’ll be joining you in a few minutes.

    Garg looked at the captain in dismay. Ma’am, he said, If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then I must protest. You’re stepping onto a planet that has not been analyzed.

    ‘It’s okay, said the Captain. For the first time that I can remember in my career, I’m starting to get cabin fever. I need to get off the metal floor and walk on some dirt. Besides the quick analysis, which is always performed before landing, is ninety-five percent accurate most of the time."

    The quick analysis was always performed before anyone was allowed to set foot on a planet, and it was usually accurate, but Garg knew of times when it wasn’t, and starship personnel paid for it with their lives. Ma’am, . . . .

    Let’s go, said the Captain.

    Yes, ma’am.

    The Captain and Garg left the control room, and with an armed escort of twenty elite guards, they made their way to the farmhouse to talk to the man.

    Sir, said the Captain as she stood in front of the man, my name is Herminine. What is your name?

    Name? asked the man with an inquisitive voice.

    Garg didn’t understand why the alien didn’t understand the question. Yes, sir, he said to the man. My name is Garg. What is your name? It occurred to Garg that their language might not be exactly as his.

    Oh, I see, said the man, and then he answered, We don’t have names.

    A look of mixed emotions---puzzled and anxious, crossed the Captain’s face. Then how do you call to one another? she asked.

    I don’t know, said the man.

    Even though this turn of events seemed perplexing, the Captain was in a hurry. She didn’t have the time to build bridges, which would cross the cultural barriers, so she said, I am the Captain of the spaceship which sits in your field. She paused, but the man didn’t say anything, so she continued. We have come to your planet with urgency, and we must speak to your leader.

    We have no leader, said the man.

    Then we must speak to your council or governing body.

    We don’t have them either, said the man.

    But we must speak to someone who can help us, so we can help you. In less than one of your years, a terrible blight will be landing on your planet, and it will kill every living thing. Do you understand?

    Oh, said the man, you need help because of a terrible danger. He smiled. I know who can help you.

    The Captain let out a sigh of relief. Can you tell us where we can find him?

    I’ll take you to him. He doesn’t live far from here.

    The man led them down the walkway in front of the house to the main road. He turned right and started toward a farmhouse about a mile away. When they arrived, they turned onto the path and walked up to the

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