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    Letters From A Bipolar Mother
    Letters From A Bipolar Mother
    Letters From A Bipolar Mother
    Ebook75 pages1 hour

    Letters From A Bipolar Mother

    By Alyssa Reyans

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    About this ebook

    In "Letters From A Bipolar Mother", Alyssa Reyans tells the story she's never been able to tell her children: of how she lost them in a battle with her own mental illness. she shares with them - and the world - what the mind of a woman suffering bipolar depression looks like, how the darkness she battled on a daily basis almost won, and how, years later, she found the courage to claw her way out of the abyss.

    Covering a span of five years, Alyssa Reyans shares both her pain and strength in a struggle against an incurable illness that many women today also share. She tells of her descent into the depths of ultimate despair and how the delusions of her illness cost her the most precious thing in her life--her children.

    (novella length approx 86 book pages)

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAlyssa Reyans
    Release dateJul 19, 2012
    ISBN9781476344737
    Letters From A Bipolar Mother
    Author

    Alyssa Reyans

    Alyssa Reyans is an American expat. Originally from the deep south, she converted to Islam in 1994 and moved overseas in 2005. She currently resides overseas with her husband and continues her daily battle with mental illness and the ghosts of her past.

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      Book preview

      Letters From A Bipolar Mother - Alyssa Reyans

      Dedication

      To Aimee Davis, a friend who without fear waded through the depths of the darkness within me to console the wounded being enslaved by it. Without your support, I would still be languishing in the darkness. You are more than a friend.

      To Erica Tomlin, for being able to walk in my silence and sit comfortable between the words

      But most of all to my husband for loving me when I did not love myself and supporting me during the darkest days of my life. For being the rock I leaned on for support and the cushion that broke my every fall.

      Introduction

      I did not know how profound the moment was when I first heard the phrase manic depressive, the term for bipolar before it was changed to help remove some of the stigma associated with the label. At 13 years old, it is hard to grasp the full impact such a big word is going to have upon your life. The realities of bipolar, or manic depression, were never properly explained to me. I did not realize the necessities of long term medication or therapy. Much of what I have learned of the disorder and its treatment has been through my own research and from speaking to others who also have the illness.

      This non-explanation of the severity of my illness is the reason I have not seen or spoken to my children since 2005. Many days have passed since I waved good bye to them in that empty parking lot. A part of me knew I would never see them again, but I did not know why or how. I just knew I was at a cross roads in my adult life and it would take me six years of insanity before I would be able to begin to understand the inner workings of my mind and how to gain a semblance of control over it.

      I have so many things I want to say to my children. I know it will not undo the damage caused by the disease that eats away at my brain, but I hope maybe it will be a bridge to a new beginning. I have compiled this book of letters for my children. It is explanations for things I haven’t been able to explain to them. By putting this out there in the universe maybe it will drift to them and one day open a door between my world and theirs.

      Prologue

      The Births of My Children

      I was only 17 when I found out I was pregnant, the same day I was to begin my senior year of high school. Your father and I had been married less than six months when I conceived you. I was terrified throughout the entire pregnancy. I had no idea how to be a mother, but I knew I loved the being growing inside of me more than anything in this world. At night I would sit and poke my belly to try to make you kick. I loved feeling you move inside of me. More than anything I wanted to be a good mother, but I had absolutely no clue how.

      I will never forget the moment they placed your pink, wrinkly, little boy body in my arms. I was terrified at seeing the wiggly thing in the blanket. I looked at you and feared breaking you. Looking down upon you wrapped up in your white hospital blanket was like seeing a baby for the first time. Even though I had taken care of numerous infants throughout my life, I was uncertain of exactly what to do with you. The fact you were sleeping contently seemed to be your way of saying you were confident in my ability to care for you while I was lost in a sea of doubt.

      Had you not been the quiet, understanding baby you were, I most likely would have had a meltdown much sooner than I did. You always had a calming presence upon me. Even from the youngest of age, you always seemed to know when I was nearing the breaking point and knew exactly how to pull me back from the edge.

      Your intelligence astounded me. You were always asking questions about things I knew nothing about. If it were not for you, I would have never seen an eclipse of the moon or viewed the stars through a telescope. I treasure those nights we spent trying to find galaxies other than our own. I wonder if you still look upon the stars or if your attention has turned to other things. I have no doubt you will go far and do much in this world. I know I will have no claim to whatever greatness you achieve, but even though I had no part in making you into the strong, independent young man you are today, I still feel proud to know I have a son like you. Whatever good I possess in my life, it all comes from you and your sister. For if it were not for the two of you, I would have had no reason to climb out of the darkness and lift myself up from the cesspool of an existence I had created for myself.

      Not quite a full year would pass before I would again become pregnant. I remember the exact moment I found out I was having a girl. It filled me with such joy to know I would have a daughter I could teach the wonderful secrets of the world to. I regret I was never able to find the way to show you how much I love you.

      Haider was barely six months old when I found out I was pregnant with you. I was barely managing to care for one baby. I had no idea how I was going to care for two. The thought alone terrified me. While my pregnancy with Haider was uneventful, my pregnancy with you was the complete opposite. Someday I hope to be able to share with you all that happened during those few months you lay safe inside

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