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    Unmasked at Last: poetry of a midlife journey to identity and autism acceptance
    Unmasked at Last: poetry of a midlife journey to identity and autism acceptance
    Unmasked at Last: poetry of a midlife journey to identity and autism acceptance
    Ebook167 pages1 hour

    Unmasked at Last: poetry of a midlife journey to identity and autism acceptance

    By Amy Alward

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    About this ebook

    This book contains poems, written as necessary therapy, when an undiagnosed woman on the autism spectrum suffered from autistic burnout, going from just functional to not functional. Grief, loss, burnout, and diagnosis led to a stream of identity crises and lifestyle adjustments. Quality of life and acceptance of self (without denial about her autism) became the focus of her redesigned life.

    The author documents her painful journey through the darkness and out the other side to a hopeful, authentic life through these free verse poems. The often dark verses capture the emotional upheaval of this time in the author's life, ultimately leading to healing and acceptance after a raw period of grief. As an autistic, the author confesses she does not feel as aware of her emotions as a non-spectrum individual. Yet, these poems clearly reveal a rich and intense emotional life--despite differently-abled neurological processing. Content ranges from romantic, mildly erotic love poems, to vengeance and anger pieces, expressions of grief, snapshots of what it is like to experience autistic meltdown or selective mutism, then ultimately turn to hopeful works on acceptance and self-love. Adult topics are covered and some language may not be suitable for children.

    Tips about understanding Autistic neurology, resources, references and where to find similar voices among the autism self-advocacy community are included.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAmy Alward
    Release dateJun 27, 2014
    ISBN9780989896214
    Unmasked at Last: poetry of a midlife journey to identity and autism acceptance
    Author

    Amy Alward

    Amy Alward is a Canadian author living in London who fits writing in around her work as editorial director for one of the UK’s leading children’s publishers. The Oathbreaker’s Shadow and The Shadow’s Curse are her first two books, published under her maiden name, Amy McCulloch. She lives life in a continual search for adventure, coffee, and really great books. Visit her at AmyAlward.co.uk or on Twitter @Amy_Alward.

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      Book preview

      Unmasked at Last - Amy Alward

      Imagine losing your identity as swiftly as a bout of soap opera amnesia. I did. Although swift, the realization that I didn't exist beyond a set of socially-acceptable masks dawned slow. First, came the realization that my mother was dying. Then, once she had passed, grief doubled. My exposed mortality meant I could no longer deny how unhappy I was with all aspects of my life. All my life, I had struggled for future goals, always working myself harder and harder to accomplish things that would somehow prove my worth, prove that I wasn't so stupid after all--prove that there wasn't anything 'wrong' with me. The emotional trauma of my mother's death forced me to end that struggle, while exhaustion and autistic burnout incapacitated me.

      Trapped behind endless masks and endless scripts to suit every situation, my authentic self felt always smothered, always just out of reach. Most frightening was my incredible fatigue as discomfort grew with all these painted identities. There were days it took all my strength to simply rise and dress. Days when my mouth and brain could not form a grammatically correct sentence and the words tumbled out upside down and backwards. This formed a definite problem, as I had earned my living as an accounting professor, lecturing to others for hours each day, posing as Dr. Alward in an academic mask. Each day I felt like a fraud. I felt stupid. I felt so very alone.

      Perhaps the problem was the masks? I tried to remove them, but didn't even know who I was underneath. Faced with a familiar, but unhappy, life leading to an early grave from the stress, or alternatively, seeking the unknown and the barest chance at hope, I plunged headlong into the dark--very much like Alice who fell down the rabbit hole.

      Somewhere in the midst of this, as my life had begun to implode from identity crisis, I was diagnosed as being 'on the spectrum'. My therapist and I both agree that my condition would most likely fit (at the time) Asperger's Syndrome, but without my mother's input, my diagnosis is lodged in this nebulously-defined area, just shy of High Functioning Autism. This is parallel to the way my personal identity had been riding gray areas for years. What I experience (as I crashed in exhaustion in my forties from years of always trying harder to be normal and fit in) many Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) adults call autistic burnout. Very little research or scholarly writing has been done on this phenomenon, but I can tell you that the experience of becoming suddenly unable to function overnight (due to exhaustion, trauma and distress) is a very real, very frightening and physical reality. It has taken years of recovery and trying things differently before I could even admit the embarrassing truths of this time. Dr. Alward, a smart 'normal' professional had to admit she could no longer read. The only path to recovery was to toss aside the masks of normalcy and pursue quality of life instead of measures of external success. These poems document my inner journey toward a more sustainable life.

      In a brief span of two years I lost: my mother, my perseverative special interest (school), my career, my marriage, the love of my life and my religion--all while coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed autistic. These poems are the fruit of those pains; it was a harrowing journey. Yet, there is light at the end of it, for I've finally found the authentic me under the masks--and I'm finally okay with her!

      Coming up the other end of the rabbit hole and returning from Wonderland, I've learned how to finally honor the signals in my body that tell me to care for myself. No longer do I push on when I meet my spectrum limitations just because 'normal' people seem to be able to go on. This isn't to say that I quit pushing myself, but I know to take much needed breaks, in the right ways for me, before pressing on. Pain is temporary if you listen to what it has to say, and provide the right kind of rest and recovery. You also have to be willing to do things in other ways, ways that 'normal' people don't have to consider.

      The poems in this volume were very much a part of my discovery and healing process. Often, I would be overcome with some ambiguous feelings, and turned to the page to help me figure out just what emotion haunted me. I would cry and scream and rock as my pencil scribbled, only to put them away still unsure what it all meant. The next day, I would read and finally come to understand my own feelings. Looking back over them now, they bring memories and stories of those times. In a sense, they are a travelogue of my journey

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