The First Time...

SAY

Our Sexual Behavior

While researching material for this book, I was often surprised and even slightly unnerved by some of the information that was presented to me. At times I found it confronting and disappointing; however, as a result, I have learned an enormous amount about the beautiful and yet incredibly diverse people of the earth, and I have encountered, for better or for worse, many amazing facts about human sexual behavior.

This book initially began as an inquiry into the similarities and differences experienced by people when engaging in their first sexual adventures. It soon became a learning experience in cultural diversity and moral conditioning. For this reason, I chose in the preliminary chapter to include some examples from, and information about, a few differing cultures. The overview examples are those that stood out during my research. They refer to sexual development, expectations, and behavior within a few particular cultural frameworks. I hope this will help many of us understand or at least accept the choices and practices of different cultures with less judgment. It is easier to tolerate, understand, and accept certain behavior (that may at first appear unconventional) when you become aware of the traditional, cultural, or religious significance behind it.

My decision to delve a little deeper and take a good look into humanity’s diverse sexual conduct came about because I frequently heard the phrase ‘What’s normal anyway?’ Clearly, interpretations of normal vary a great deal, especially considering the diversity of global, religious, cultural, and peer groups. This assortment of ideals inspired me to review sexual practices from the past and present.

Past research conducted by scientists such as Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) and Alfred Kinsey (1894-1956) attempted to understand the development of human sexual behavior from birth to adulthood through studies and data collection. My impression is that these days many experts (whoever they may be) believe little of the original research has proven to be conclusive.

Often, evidence in regard to our sexual development relates partly to innate human nature and partly to the influences of a child’s cultural upbringing. Obviously, this mix varies greatly both between and within cultures.

In Freud’s 1905 work ‘Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality,’ he outlined a theory of psychosexual development involving five distinct phases. The following is a brief outline of what each phase entails. You may recognize some of the behavioral stages or at least have heard reference being made to them within social settings or the media.

(1)The Oral Stage (0-1.5yrs). This is a time when the libido is focused on the mouth. The desire for oral stimulation is evident in the child’s compulsion to place all objects into the mouth for suckling and biting.

(2)The Anal Stage (1.5-3.5yrs). The libido is focused anally as toilet training takes place, with rules and regulations, praise and punishment relating to the retention and expulsion of waste matter.

(3)The Phallic Stage (3.5-6yrs). Children become increasingly aware of their genitals and the pleasure of simple masturbation. Boys may develop a secret sexual desire for their mothers, and girls for their fathers. Each child views the same-sex parent as a threat to its desire, and competition for affection from the other parent. This is the ‘Oedipus Conflict.’

(4) Sexual Latency (6yrs to puberty). This stage follows the resolution of the Oedipus Conflict, when the child has renounced their sexual desires for the opposite-sex parent and chosen to identify with and imitate the same-sex parent. The child is hoping to achieve similar roles to the same-sex parent in future relationships, generally with members of the opposite sex.

(5) Genital or Adult Stage (Puberty onwards). This stage evolves during pubescence, and involves the full development of the genitals; the libido now begins its role in sexual contact with others.

Many of Freud’s theories, such as penis envy (developed by girls during the phallic stage, as they resent their mother and long for their father’s affection), have been superseded, and are now considered obsolete by modern experts; however, the core theories and material body of Freud’s work remains neither accepted nor rejected by much of the scientific and medical community. Some of this information and a number of the theories may sound a bit over the top, or you may suddenly be thinking of someone you know who displays classic examples of these behaviors. Alas we have all heard of the ‘Freudian Slip.’

During the 1950s, the Kinsey Reports of 1948 and 1956 created a fair amount of controversy and opposition, from both conservative quarters and the ever-present religious watchdogs of moral conduct. The reports were large scale surveys of sexual behavior that focused mainly on adults; however, they did include some studies on children, and included the first statistical reports regarding acts like childhood masturbation. At the time, this type of study was considered a risqué topic, especially in the era of the still-conservative middle-class American Fifties.

There is a dearth of substantial data in regards to what should be considered age-appropriate, or ‘normal’ sexual conduct. There has been insufficient statistical study in the latter half of the twentieth century that would give any new insight since the publication of the Kinsey Reports. This leaves us with little current data or facts about the impact of modern society’s sexual awareness, and the effect of high level marketing of sexually-related material, either culturally or on the development of the sexual self.

As has been indicated, cultural and religious variation in attitude to acceptable sexual conduct is enormous, and thus so is its impact on the sexual development and activity of the individual or group member. This depends of course on how strongly we identify with our surrounding culture and religious faith; we may or may not choose to incorporate the moral guidelines provided for us into our sexual expression and behavior.

Due to societal and peer variations, it can be difficult to define normal. My own interpretation of ‘normal’ would be ‘behavior considered socially acceptable by the majority of society.’ This means you are free to express a wide variety of behaviors within social and peer groups, within your culture or sub culture. Any conduct considered offensive to the majority of society usually results in removal from society (as in imprisonment) or punishment by enforced laws that reason against ‘unacceptable social behavior.’ These attitudes and laws naturally include social and sexual etiquette.

This leaves a wide scope for normal; as long as you’re not doing anything that would incite enough offense to have you locked away, you are pretty well normal.

Historical evidence brings in a further array of points and differing attitudes, depending on the era into which you were been born. There have been many changes in social behavior during various periods throughout time that were often dictated by the governing body of the era. In reality our public acceptance of sexual and social conduct is largely influenced by what is fashionable at the time.

The examples set by our leaders, idols, and other authoritarian members of society express or suppress sexually open behavior, resulting over the years in periods of extremely conservative guidelines or ‘let it all hang out’ phases. It has been noted by some historians that western society quite openly indulged in the sexual exploitation of children until the latter half of the 18th century. Although we may choose to brush this under the carpet of our conscience due to our own embarrassment, we must concede that at that particular time, the under-valuing of children and the importance of the psychological effects suffered as a result of childhood experiences were yet to be realized and recognized.

Around 1850, during the Victorian Era, certain behaviors that had been previously acceptable were repudiated, (a fine example of fashionable social comportment as set by Queen Victoria and her conservative moral stature). Parents were encouraged to make an effort to control moral decline so they began to discipline and punish children for their sexual curiosity and activity.

Western society developed a cultural belief that childhood should be free from sexual knowledge, interest, or activity. This shift in social attitudes brought with it some paranoid behavior resulting in constant adult surveillance, chaperoning, and the attempted control of childhood and adolescent sexuality.

This time in history placed emphasis and concern on the detrimental effects of childhood masturbation, and it became the focal point of many parents and doctors. With it came the requirement to make children feel shame and guilt about anything that may be deemed an immoral pursuit, action, or thought. Parents relentlessly attempted to discourage and quash any interest in sexual activity by dealing out severe punishments and displays of emotional disgust.

Strict moral codes and guidelines relating to anything of a sexual nature were considered of the utmost importance. Clothing reflected the conservative nature of the times; women were dressed in garments with high collars and long skirts designed to cover and hide any part of the anatomy that might induce sexual arousal. It was thought that the mere glimpse of a delicately formed female ankle while a lady alighted from a carriage could induce thoughts of lust, even in the most morally upstanding man.

A little publicized but historical fact from the so-called civilized West is that despite our modern view of being horrified by, and campaigning against, all forms of female genital mutilation (FGM), in 1850-1859 some doctors in the UK went as far as recommending surgical procedures similar in nature to some forms of FGM. In 1858 a London surgeon named Isaac Baker Brown developed the ‘clitoridectomy,’ a procedure designed to halt excessive masturbation in female children. It appears the reasoning behind Browns’ development of this procedure relied on and promoted the idea as a simple quick fix for the excessive masturbator. To put it bluntly, if they keep touching it, cut it off!

The practice of female circumcision/mutilation is still taking place in some African countries and cultures today.

So what is considered the sexual norm will depend largely on the time and place of birth. There is strong evidence to support the theory that sexual curiosity in children is innocently and spontaneously expressed, until the child is taught to inhibit such behavior.

When left to their own devices, children as young as two years old will naturally engage in simple pleasurable handling of their genitals. Some two to three-year-olds will begin masturbating and, if left unsupervised, may indulge in interactive play that can be sexual, although interest in sex is not the dominant theme. At the age of four and five, curiosity about their own genitals and that of their peers often increases, and they may fondle their own genitals and show them to others. Sex play is light-hearted and spontaneous, there is a feeling of freedom to explore all areas of the body; play is interactive and contact with other’s bodies is common. It should be noted that although we consider the play sexual in nature because it involves the sexual organs and genitals, children do not. It is quite reasonable that children view their body as a total organ instead of a construction of individual parts that are divided into good bits and naughty bits.

In the middle childhood years of between six and eleven, sexual activity varies widely; it may include hugs and kisses among peers as well as one-sided or mutual masturbation. Children may engage in sexual role play such as ‘Mummies and Daddies.’ Some researchers suggest that masturbation by children can be considered non-sexual if the child has not learned to associate it with intercourse. Interestingly depictions of such innocent play often appear on items such as cute Valentine’s Day cards which depict a little boy and girl, usually dressed in vintage apparel, and one or the other is often planting a kiss on the cheek of their counterpart, or presenting flowers.

At the age of around ten years to puberty, children usually develop an increased interest in sex. Most children will come to understand the fundamentals of intercourse; some by getting information from older children and a considerable number will view pornographic magazines with others. There is often an increase in play that may involve things such as kissing games between the sexes, with the frequency of goal-orientated kissing increasing, resulting in arousal and subdued erotic overtones. This is often associated with guilt or embarrassment. Studies have found that around one-third of children in the USA have engaged in sex play, and attempted or completed intercourse, by the age of 13.

The above material is an example of the sexual research conducted by scientists and social studies. Some of it may be surprisingly accurate to you or it may seem outdated. Either way there is no fully comprehensive data or analysis available at this stage. Even if there were, I suspect that the data would be mainly related to western society, as it is unlikely there have been open and frank studies conducted in many of the more conservative cultures and countries.

As the societies we live in become increasingly multicultural due to immigration, and the ease of travel and international work placements, it is only fitting that we make an effort to understand our new neighbors and friends, including their diverse beliefs and customs. Awareness of the reasons and motivational ideology behind certain customs and traditional practices enables us to embrace differences we may have previously feared due to our lack of understanding. With this in mind, the following information demonstrates the wonders of worldwide diversity. Regardless of our own personal preferences, most people have at some time felt the pressure of having to live up to certain expectations from parents or peers.

19TH CENTURY INDIA

Recent Indian history gives us a clear example of the expectations within culture. Should you happen to have been born a female in parts of India during the eighteenth century, you may have found yourself betrothed at birth, married by the age of five, and living at your husband’s residence by the time you were eight or nine years old. Due to more than 2000 years of scripture and cultural practice, child brides were a normal social expectation at that time, and for a considerable time after.

Fortunately for many young Indian girls, the involvement of more conservative religious movements such as the Brahmo Samaj and Arya Samaj pioneered movements against childhood marriage. Late in the 1860s they obtained some token success when the Indian Penal Code prohibited intercourse with a wife who had not yet reached ten years of age. In 1880, childhood marriage became a public issue in India and debate on the Age of Consent bill was in full swing.

As the end of the debates neared, an eleven-year-old named Phulmani died as a result of injuries received when her husband raped her. Following the incident more than 500 women doctors united in protest, and sent a memorandum to the viceroy, asking that he stop the marriage of girls under the age of fourteen years. The Bill was negotiated and in the end the age of twelve years was settled upon as the new suitable age for marriage. Sadly this has not managed to halt the practice. As recently as September 2013, a news report outlined the case of a child bride in India, who, at the age of eight years, died from internal injuries inflicted by her husband’s sexual attack. Her husband was more than four times her age.

THE MARQUESAS ISLANDS

Here we find an example of a sexually permissive society from an era long gone by. During voyages throughout the Marquesas Islands in 1790-92, an explorer by the name of Marchand observed that ‘native girls, as young as eight years old, were not at all inexperienced in sexual techniques.’

Later, in 1813, a Russian explorer named Kruzenshtern noted while in the Islands that a native father brought a girl of ten to twelve years to his ship for the purpose of engaging in sexual intercourse with the sailors (I can find no official historical documentation to support this claim). Other stories from early travelers in the region included one report from Lisiankii, who commented that approximately 100 native female islanders approached his ship, and ‘practiced all the arts of lewd