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    Homeownership Disease: The Saga of Owen Cash
    Homeownership Disease: The Saga of Owen Cash
    Homeownership Disease: The Saga of Owen Cash
    Ebook66 pages41 minutes

    Homeownership Disease: The Saga of Owen Cash

    By John Sailors

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    About this ebook

    Welcome to the world of Owen Cash, a man pushed finally to conform with society and pursue his own slice of the Great American Dream: Homeownership. He journeys forth to battle the trials of financial planning (negative amortization—what the hell is that?), house hunting (kids, go slice that family's tires), and mortgage applications (you need an ultrasound of my kidneys?!), all to please family and society and join the ranks of responsible, landed Americans—just at the height of the real estate boom (ka-pow!).

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherJohn Sailors
    Release dateDec 22, 2014
    ISBN9781938688065
    Homeownership Disease: The Saga of Owen Cash
    Author

    John Sailors

    John Sailors has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist in the United States and Asia. In recent years he has been based in the San Francisco Bay Area and is currently director of Story Crest Press.When not writing or doing mindless proofreading, John can often be found losing video games to his teenage son.

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      Book preview

      Homeownership Disease - John Sailors

      Homeownership Disease:

      The Saga of Owen Cash

      Part 1, How NOT to Buy a Home

      John Sailors

      Story Crest Press

      Copyright 2013, by John Sailors

      All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced

      in any form without permission.

      Published by Story Crest Press.

      ISBN: 978-1-938688-0-58

      Visit us on the Web at www.StoryCrest.com.

      Find us on Facebook.

      Email us at info@StoryCrest.com.

      Follow the annals of Owen Cash at

      Homeowner Owen on Twitter.

      This is a work of fiction. All characters

      and names are invented and the events

      are purely make-believe.

      Contents

      1. The Foundations of Homeownership: Digging a Hole

      2. Homeownership: A Dreaded Disease

      3. Homeownership: The Family Disease

      4. Cash for Houses: What’s in a Name?

      5. The Price of Accounting for Homeownership

      6. Eighty-Twenty: How to Qualify for a Mortgage You Can’t Afford

      7. From the Owen Wife: The Better Half of Homeownership

      8. Open Homes, Open Combat: How to Scare Away the Competition

      9. The North End Men’s Club, Part 1

      10. The North End Men’s Club, Part 2

      11. The North End Men’s Club, Part 3

      12. The North End Men’s Club, Part 4: The End of an Era

      13. Bidding Farewell (to Freedom) for Your Slice of the American Dream

      A Note from the Author

      About the Author

      Other Books by John Sailors

      Own and owe.

      Such a difference an N can make.

      —Owen Cash

      1

      The Foundations of Homeownership: Digging a Hole

      Oowwnn!

      My father had been saying this to me for years, in an unpleasant voice usually unpleasantly close to my ear. Oooowwwnnn!

      I began to suspect he had this in mind when he named me Owen.

      By the time I hit thirty, my father was not the only person saying it. A long string of girlfriends were leaving me for guys who were ready to buy homes (and start families and spend their weekends assembling swing sets and being super carpenter-plumber-electrician-handyman types!).

      But greater purposes commanded my time, filled my life, ends more profound than Home Buying. There were, for instance, fish to be caught, and video game consoles were being packed with groundbreaking technology that warranted time and testing.

      And travel? I wanted to see the world before I settled down. Do you have any idea how many varieties of dumplings they serve in Hong Kong, or how many types of ale are available in London pubs?

      And so, still single and renting at thirty-five, I was becoming a rarity. Neighbors were whispering about me: He’s not married? He’s not buying a home?

      I had high school classmates purchasing second homes to rent out, and buying cars for their already-teenage kids — cars that were more expensive my, uh, Datsun.

      So I went out and got some literature on Homeownership. And the first thing I learned about was down payments. Therefore …

      At forty, I was a downright spectacle, with family whispering about me, as well as neighbors, people at work, people at church (and I didn’t even go to church!), and complete strangers.

      Why hadn’t I settled down? Everyone else my age already had a home with ten years’ equity. They had retirement plans, college funds for their children, boats, skimobiles, campers, home upgrades, spas, swimming pools, and enough oversize SUVs to support whole sections of the Middle East.

      My Sony PlayStation

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