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    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing: Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire
    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing: Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire
    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing: Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire
    Ebook531 pages4 hours

    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing: Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire

    By Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter

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    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing documents the thriving folklore tradition that circulates in the workplace. Alan Dundes and Carl Pagter have collected more than two hundred and fifty "signs of the times"—the office memoranda, parodies, cartoons, and poems that daily make their way through copy machines, interoffice mail systems, and fax machines and are affixed to bulletin boards and water coolers. The rich vein of urban folklore tapped by this imaginative volume constitutes a great testament to one of the world's most prolific authors—anonymous.
    The popularity of the items featured in this timely book is apparent by their reproduction in mass or popular cultural form—as greeting cards, plaques, and bumper stickers—reminding us of the inevitable interplay between folklore and mass culture. Dundes and Pagter clearly demonstrate the existence of folklore in the modern urban technological world and refute the notion that folklore reflects only the past.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWayne State University Press
    Release dateJun 1, 1991
    ISBN9780814337400
    Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing: Still More Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire

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      Never Try to Teach a Pig to Sing - Alan Dundes

      A Word to the Wise

      Folk speech is part of folklore. Each folk group has its own unique argot. Sometimes the esoteric or seemingly arcane nature of a group’s folk speech causes amusement to outsiders. Explaining or defining common or uncommon terms of reference, peculiar to a given group, is a standard practice.

      In this opening chapter containing folk definitions, we have included not only pseudo-attempts to explicate specialized vocabularies, but also efforts to define individual words or concepts. Under the rubric of wise words, we have taken liberty of presenting discussions of names, recipes, and other verbal formulas. Almost all of the items contained in this chapter feature some form of wordplay.

      1. Medical Terminology for the Layman

      The medical profession has always had an aura of mystery. Its specialized vocabulary, often employing a combination of Latin terms and technical jargon, may bewilder the anxious patient. Not all doctors take the trouble to translate their diagnoses and prescriptions into terms the layman can understand. The following item, collected in Fishersville, Virginia, in 1989, pretends to demystify medical lingo.

      ARTERY – – The Study of fine paintings.

      BARIUM – – What to do when CPR fails.

      CAES ARE AN SECTION – – A district in Rome.

      COLIC – – A sheep-dog.

      COMA – – A punctuation mark.

      CONGENITAL – – Friendly.

      DILATE – – To live longer.

      FESTER – – Quicker.

      G.I. SERIES – – Baseball series between teams of soldiers.

      GRIPPE – – A suitcase.

      HANG-NAIL – – A coat-hook.

      MEDICAL STAFF – – A doctor’s cane.

      MINOR OPERATION – – Coal digging.

      MORBID – – A higher offer.

      NITRATE – – Lower than the day rate.

      NODE – – Was aware of

      ORGANIC – – Musical.

      OUTPATIENT – – A person who has fainted.

      POST-OPERATIVE – – A letter carrier.

      PROTEIN – – In favor of young people.

      SECRETION – – Hiding anything.

      SEROLOGY – – Study of English Knighthood.

      TABLET – – A small table.

      TUMOR – – An extra pair.

      URINE – – Opposite of You’re out.

      VARICOSE VEINS – – Veins which are very close together.

      2. The Electrocardial Guide

      One area of medicine which is particularly anxiety-producing for the general public is cardiology. Fear of heart attack is widespread in the population. One of the technical innovations in the detection of heart disease is the electrocardiagraph, a galvanometric device that records heart activity. The resulting electrocardiagram is a graphic presentation useful in the prevention and diagnosis of heart disease. Most Americans are generally familiar with the graphic displays of heart activity if from no other source than from television shows ostensibly concerned with emergency room or intensive care procedures. Deciphering the electrocardiagram requires medical expertise on the part of a doctor or a trained technician.

      The following item is a folk interpretation of the mysterious squiggles of the electrocardiagram. It was collected from the nurses’ station of the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit at Presbyterian Hospital in San Francisco in 1979. The place of collection suggests that this may be an in-group piece of folklore designed to relieve the anxiety of working in such a stressful location as an intensive care unit. Not all the terms are in fact intelligible to the layman. For example, the mention of Wenkeback syndrome refers to Karel Frederik Wenckebach (1864-1940), a Dutch internist in Vienna, whose name has been given to a particular heart irregularity.

      3. Employee Evaluation Form

      Part of the promotion process depends upon employee performance ratings. Traditionally, employees never saw these evaluations and they could only guess at their content. However, federal legislation in the 1970s made it possible for employees to have access to their own personnel files. As a result, some business firms have instituted procedures whereby employees are shown the evaluation reports and asked to sign them, indicating that they have seen them. Consequently, some evaluators are reluctant to speak candidly, especially about poor performance on the job. The following item collected in Fishersville, Virginia, in 1989, is a pungent parody of the tendency to euphemize the terms of employee competence.

      EMPLOYEE EVALUATION FORM

      Under the FREEDOM of Information Act of 1974 and the Federal Privacy Act of 1976, I understand that my work performance is being documented. I have the right to examine and copy documentation. I have the right to review differences in order to resolve them, and I have the right to request amendments to and/or modification of any document.

      4. Terms Used in Writing Fitness Reports

      As was noted in the previous item, there is a science, or perhaps it is an art, of writing letters of recommendation and filling out personnel evaluation forms. Again, most members of an in-group are well aware of the discrepancy between the terms used in official reports and the actual performance of the individuals being evaluated. Inflation occurs as often in the language of evaluation as it does in the economy. The bankruptcy of superlatives typically results in high-flown phrases of praise referring to mediocre if not substandard performance. The following guide for fitness report writers was collected at the Naval Air Station in Alameda, California, in the mid-1970s. Fitness reports are required for all U.S. military officers, and they play an important role with respect to whether or not a particular officer is promoted to a higher rank. Other versions of this item from the 1980s do not include a military frame of reference.

      5. A Glossary of Nautical Terms

      In contrast to the preceding definitions which sought to convey the hidden or true meanings of jargon, the present glossary is primarily concerned with making preposterous puns. While the title is quite similar to A Glossary of Naval Terms previously reported in WH, 51, the content is completely different. The following version was reported from a member of the crew of the Hughes Glomar Explorer at Long Beach, California, in 1975. A nearly identical version was collected from a Naval Reserve Officer in Washington, D.C., in 1976. For a Swedish variant, see MF, 53.

      A GLOSSARY OF NAUTICAL TERMS

      The two terms most commonly used in boating are TORT and STARBOARD.

      PORT—Facing the bow, PORT is on your left. It is easy to remember PORT has four letters, and left has four letters. So PORT is Left.

      STARBOARD—Since there are only two sides on a boat, and Port is one of them, it is obviously clear that the other one is left. So, STARBOARD is left.

      Other Necessary Nautical Terms

      AHEAD—The nautical term of ajohn.

      ASTERN—Without humor, i.e. The Captain told no jokes. He was astern Captain.

      AMIDSHIPS—This condition exists when you are completely surrounded by boats.

      ANCHOR—What you display when you find you’re completely surrounded by boats.

      BERTH—The day on which you were born.

      BUNK—Phony sea story.

      BUOY—A buoy is the floating device you always smash into when trying to avoid the submerged obstacle the buoy is there to warn you about.

      CHANNEL MARKER—Tells which station you’re tuned into on your TV set.

      DINGHY—The sounds of a ship’s bells, i.e. Dinghy-Dinghy-Dinghy-Dinghy.

      DISPLACEMENT—Accidental loss, i.e. When you dock your boat and later you can’t find it again, you’ve displaced it.

      DOCK—Nickname for a medical man.

      EDDY—Nelson’s last name.

      HEAVE-HO—What you do when you get seasick, and you’ve eaten too much ho.

      HITCH—The thing to look for when a millionaire invites you on his boat… especially if you’re a female.

      KEEL—What your wife does to you when she finds you’ve bought a boat!

      LAUNCH—The meal eaten aboard a boat about noontime.

      MOOR—Amount of people needed for a boat-party like, The moor, the merrier.

      OAR—When you have a choice, like "This… oar

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