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Colourless
Colourless
Colourless
Ebook174 pages2 hours

Colourless

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

3/5

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About this ebook

Trinity’s on a life journey to discover what life is about. On the way, people show up in her life and teach her new things about her life. Her love life has been an up and down struggle, and she begins to believe that real love doesn’t exist. It is only when she goes through her darkest moment, does she realise that love had always been around. She just had to open her eyes and see. Her breakdown gives her a chance to become the beautiful person she already is.

 

LanguageEnglish
PublisherIris Deorre
Release dateFeb 23, 2015
ISBN9781507048306
Colourless
Author

Iris Deorre

Iris Deorre is not only an Author but she is also an Entrepreneur. She loves to write erotic stories, weaving difficult love triangles with exciting and daring sex. Iris loves to mix her erotica with paranormal. You’ll find Shapeshifters, werewolves, vampires, to name a few. When Iris is not writing, you'll find her spending time with her daughter, taking long walks in the country or you will find her spending time with good friends and good wine.

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Rating: 3.1666666666666665 out of 5 stars
3/5

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  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I’d give this book 10 stars if that option was available.

    There are three major reasons for this rating (of course there are other smaller ones): There was a solid storyline, it was real [so real I found myself thinking this isn’t a novel, novels are supposed to be entertaining] and the book made me go inside my head and look at life again, as opposed to just browsing through it.


    This isn’t just another book; it is a wake up call. I felt so much emotion, from the beginning till the end, and there were moments when I’d say a little prayer that the story wouldn’t go where I was dreading it would go. I cried, I smiled and I got angry. If you want a predictable book that’s far fetched and fantastical: don’t bother reading this one. This book is not child’s play. It’s raw and good, it ends well, but not the way every other book does.

    I also appreciate that there were no grammar errors, which is a sign that the author was not taking this book lightly and the dots/characters actually connected. [I read about 12 books per week and I can tell you, this book was good!]


    Thank you for that treat.

    1 person found this helpful

Book preview

Colourless - Iris Deorre

This book is a work of fiction. All names, characters, locations and incidents are products of author’s imagination, or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, locales or events is entirely coincidental.

PART ONE

Dying to be free

Trinity tucked the twins Addison and India into bed. It had been a crazy few years. Their fourth birthday was only two weeks away, but Trinity couldn’t bear to think about it. She knelt between the two tiny beds and stroked the side of their faces.

‘Are you crying mummy?’ asked Addison.

Trinity sniffed and shook her head.

‘Are you sad?’ She asked.

‘No, mummy’s not sad.’ She didn’t want to startle the children. She didn’t want to bring them into the hole she’d dug herself into. ‘I want you to be good girls,’ she said. ‘Promise me you’ll be good.’

‘Yes, mummy we’ll be good, won’t we India?’

India nodded. Trinity dabbed her eyes with the back of her hand. It couldn’t be helped, no matter how many times she’d told herself.

‘Good girls. Now go to sleep.’

Off went the side lamp, the children were left in darkness, darkness that would soon turn their lives upside down again.

‘I love you mummy,’ said Addison.

‘I love you also,’ India said shyly.

‘I love you too, my angels. And she did, and that was why she had to do what she had to.

She walked into River’s room. The eight year old was still up, but in bed.

‘You should be sleeping young lady,’ said Trinity.

‘I can’t sleep,’ she said.

‘Why not honey?’

‘I have a bad feeling.’

Trinity walked towards her daughter’s bed and sat on the side. She took her little hand into hers.

‘A bad feeling about what?’

She shrugged.

‘Are they bullying you at school again?’

She nodded.

‘Did you tell the teacher?’

She shook her head. Trinity sucked in a deep breath. It was the same story all over again.

‘They called me coca cola. She said I was as black as the coke she was drinking.’

‘Who said that?’

‘Beth. She said my hair was like popcorn, my skin like coke.’

‘Oh honey.’ She took her into her arms.

The moment River’s head settled into her chest she squeezed her eyes shut.

‘Mummy?’ She pushed back and looked up at Trinity. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes honey I’m fine.’

River wasn’t convinced, but she leaned back into her mother’s chest. After a while, she lay back in bed.

‘Try to get some rest.’

She nodded. ‘I love you mummy.’

‘I love you too.’

The light was switched off, darkness engulfed the room. River hid beneath the blankets, but the deep sense of dread sat within her.

Trinity stood in the hallway and looked at the doors where her children lay. Two deep breaths did nothing. Talking hadn’t done anything, love hadn’t done anything. It had been a long road, the journey too steep, it was just too much. The hole within her soul could not be closed. It was dark, it was deep. The tears she’d shed had been from a place she could no longer name. They weren’t tears of sadness or of joy, they were tears of nothingness. She’d cried because there was nothing. She’d shed the tears because there was an empty dark pit with in her.

She placed her hand on the door of the twins and then went downstairs. The kitchen was where everything was, the pen and paper for the explanation, the wine for the courage, the pills to finally hammer away the nothingness. It was all there. Trinity had visited at least ten shops. Superdrug, ASDA, Tesco, bodycare... the list could go on and on, and at one point she wasn’t sure of what to get anymore. But at each store she bought another packet of painkillers. It was ironic, painkillers! Painkillers were supposed to take away the pain, but the pain she felt would only be cured when it was silenced.

The pen and paper were ready. Boxes were spread out on the table, the bottle of wine opened and the glass full. It was set. There was no thought about the children, or what they might think when they found her. There was no reasoning. Reasoning left a long time ago. To reason with an illness was guaranteed to be a fruitless exercise. Trinity knew this, she’d battled with it the moment she understood what it meant to be in a world where nothing worked. It was a losing battle, there was no arguing. It was only time to win. To win once and for all, end this dying, this suffering, end this feeling of emptiness, of nothingness. End the feeling of trying, or wanting or never getting. It would be her turn to win. Perhaps for the first time she’d win, she’d be victorious. Maybe this time it would be all right.

‘What are you doing mummy?’

Trinity jumped, she hadn’t seen or heard River come into the kitchen.

‘Why aren’t you in bed?’ she asked.

‘I still can’t sleep.’

‘Please go to bed, mummy has a headache.’

‘But why do you have all those boxes.’

‘Because I’m trying to decide which one’s will help kill the pain.’

River watched her.

‘Go to bed.’

River stood.

‘I said go to bed!’

After a little hesitation the little girl ran off upstairs, but not to her bedroom. Instead she headed for her mother’s room and picked up the mobile phone. River put in her mothers password. It had been a skill she’d learnt. It didn’t matter how many times Trinity had changed the password, River always found out what it was. Secretly she’d sit or stand behind her mother as she put in the password. At first she’d grasp the first number and then walk away so that her mother wouldn’t become suspicious. She’d let time pass before she’d get the other number, and wait awhile again until finally she’d have the combination to her mothers password.

There were five missed calls from Grayson. River pressed on the number and called.

‘Trinity,’ said Grayson.

‘No it’s River.’

‘River? What’s the matter? Is your mum okay?’

‘No she isn’t.’ The little girl cried.

‘Ssssh, it’s okay. I’m coming, just wait for me I’m coming.’

‘Okay, hurry.’

He put down the phone, told his friends he had to go and dashed out of the restaurant.

River went back to bed. Downstairs Trinity waited until there was no more movement upstairs. Just to be sure, she went upstairs and checked in on her girls. They were in bed. She was back downstairs staring at the table.

‘Okay,’ she said as if this would bring clarity, but it didn’t.

She picked up the pen and began to write.

A pasted smile, a hug, a kiss, a helping hand a giving heart! I’ve been all these things but nothing at all. No one knows the darkness I carry inside. I’m drowning, suffocating. Sometimes I have to touch something, remind it I’m here. A chair, a knife, a glass, a fork, but each time I do, I’m reminded of just how pointless everything is. So I must do this, I must live, I must be free. I’m just dying to be free. So let me be, let me live by dying.

She put down the pen and left the note on the table. One by one she pulled out the pills and popped them onto the table. It took a while but finally a hundred and sixty tablets were spread out on the table. The thought to crush them came to mind, but putting them into her mouth one at a time and washing them down with the wine gave some satisfaction. It was her way of taking back control. It would end! The bad news, the fights, the anger, the disappearance. It would all be killed. Slowly but surely it was in her hands.

Trinity watched the hands of the clock as she took a tablet at a time. There was a noise that stopped the action. The sound of tyres against gravel. Was someone here? Trinity didn’t care to know. The noise only forced her to act faster. But soon there was banging on the door. She could hear his voice.

‘Open the door!’ He shouted. ‘Trinity open the door!’

The kids hid beneath the covers too afraid to come down, to afraid to meet with real darkness.

Grayson walked around to the back. The kitchen light was on. He could see her through the curtain. He could see the boxes, the bottle of wine, the glass and the pills.

‘Trinity!’ He banged against the window.

Trinity didn’t turn, the noise was no longer loud. There was peace. It was like floating. The pills got less and less, but the peace she felt got more and more.

‘TRINITY!’

She fell off the chair and onto the floor. He rang for an ambulance. It would be there in five minutes. He ran to the back door, picked up the stone to the side and broke the window! He put his hand through and unlocked the door. Within seconds he was by her side.

‘Oh honey, what have you done, don’t you dare die on me. Don’t you dare leave these kids.’

‘What’s wrong with mummy?’ Addison had sneaked in.

Grayson had no words, he didn’t know what to say to the little person who asked the question. How could he explain the pills, the booze and the woman lying lifeless?

The sirens approached. The paramedics entered. The movements were fast, there was too much going on. The children watched. Grayson tried to explain everything as best he could. They all hoped it wasn’t too late!

‘Mummy!’ River ran towards the lifeless woman.

Grayson pulled her back.

‘No, I want my mummy! What’s wrong with mummy?’ She cried.

He pulled all three children close and turned them away from the woman who was once there mother.

‘I’ll have to call Lorraine; she’ll come and look after you for a little while.’

‘Don’t go, don’t leave us.’

‘I won’t, I have to be with your mummy, just until she’s better.’

‘Will she be okay?’ asked India.

He couldn’t answer that. It was all down to the medical team now.

‘Will mummy be okay?’ she asked again.

‘I...I...think so.’ That was all he could offer.

There she was, watching, standing in the kitchen, her children, the man who made her smile. She watched as they wheeled her body out and into the ambulance. She could see, she could almost see, and then everything was silent again. What had just happened?

The beginning of time

There was no name at the beginning. Things worked differently. There was no gender, no colour at the beginning, things were just perfect. Trinity, that’s what she’d decided. She’d chosen to be a girl. She had hand picked her mother, a mother who smoked and drank herself to a stupor. Her father had been like a thief in the night. It was his purpose to fuck Trinity’s mother and bring her into existence.

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