Shoplifting... The Funnier Side

Shoplifting...

The Funnier Side

By

Gary Miles

First published in Paperback in 2006 by Baico Publishing

E-Published by Gary Miles at Smashwords

Copyright 2015 Gary Miles http://www.quinpool.ca

Discover more Funnier Side Books at http://www.smashwords.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

In other words help this author put these digital books into paperback too by purchasing it and encouraging your family and friends to purchase it rather than just lending it out and in return I'll try to keep the prices low and the books coming!

Thanks and Enjoy

GARY

This book is dedicated to all my fellow colleagues,

my sister Pat for her encouragement,

and my two beautiful kids for just being my kids.

Table Of Contents

Introduction

Injuries May Result

You See The Strangest Things

Policy Is Important

Catching And Concealing

Seasonal Mishaps

Some Court Humour

Electronics

Grocery Stores

Employee Thefts

Excuses

Criminal Excuses And Blunders In The Office

You Meet All Kinds:

Shoplifting...The Bad Side

Epilogue

Private Investigating…The Funnier Side – Preview

Introduction

Throughout my career in security, I have been witness to many changes in this profession. Loss Prevention Officers (L.P.Os), commonly known as Floorwalkers, have been a most important part of theft prevention in the retail market. L.P.O.s of today are better trained and are more aware of loss problems faced by retailers than those of just a few years ago. Today L.P.O.s are regarded as not just professionals, but also consultants to the retailer. We are expecting a change in how retailers of today look upon retail loss and how today’s retailers are showing more confidence in the professional manner with which L.P.O.s handle their security problems.

We are constantly being faced with new challenges in our jobs and violence in the workplace has become an increasingly serious consideration. In day to day activities, my fellow colleagues and I are faced with such things as pepper spray, guns, knives, tire irons and baseball bats. Violent reactions by thieves are commonplace and L.P.O.s of today must be prepared at all times for the unexpected. So the training of Loss Prevention Officers has expanded to include self-defense methods, physiology, handling race relations and a basic understanding of the economic factors which trigger some to steal; out of necessity, out of greed or out of total disregard for the property of others.

For the most part, The Shopthief of today is just as stupid as he has ever been. (The male pronoun is used for brevity but shopthieves come in all sizes, ages and both genders) The old methods of stealing return time and time again. As professionals, we have had the chance to experience some of the funny things that occur when these methods are used.

The situations contained in this book, which have happened to me and my colleagues over the years, are true stories. Some you may find funny and pitiful. It is stories like these, however, that give us in the Loss Prevention business a little enjoyment in a profession that is sometimes boring, sometimes dangerous, but always satisfying and important to the retailer’s survival. Ours is a profession that has been looked down upon by some courts, lawyers and police agencies whom we work with in conjunction with, but has always survived and shown its worth.

In our profession, we have adopted an Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Get Away With It. And in the line of duty, to protect and serve our clients, we find enjoyment in the humorous antics of those who would break this rule. So for your enjoyment and interest, I give you......

SHOPLIFTING, THE FUNNIER SIDE

Injuries May Result

Shoplifting is a crime and it hurts everyone. Sometimes, however, the hurt is purely physical and it is the thief, as you will see in the following stories, who suffers the most.

The Drill Boy

For several weeks, our investigators had observed a young individual enter one of our client’s stores, trying to steal a power tool. It seemed that he would get to a certain point, then decide to give up. On this particular day, I was at this store talking to the Store Manager. I observed our friend enter the store through the front doors and commented to the manager that Mr. Power Tool was present. From an upstairs window, overlooking the sales floor, I observed the youngster proceed to the tool aisle in the store.

Now it just so happened that, on this particular day, a display was being built by some store employees and they had taken a break at the same time that this guy came in, leaving behind their tools. Among the tools was a 10mm cordless drill. Our youngster decided to steal this article and did so by placing the power tool down the front of his pants. He then proceeded to exit from the store.

I quickly went downstairs and observed him just before he exited the store. As he exited, the youngster made an adjustment to his pants by pulling them up. We believe that when he did this the trigger of the cordless drill hit his belt buckle, thus causing it to engage. The youngster immediately showed signs of increasing pain and held his genital area as the drill performed its primary function on his underwear.

The youngster danced out into the parking lot on his toes. Following directly behind him, but doubled over in laughter, I arrested the youth and read him his rights, performing both tasks with great difficulty. Then I just pointed the way back into the store.

In the Security office, it dawned on me that the power tool possessed a drill bit in the chuck section and may have done some major damage to the youngster. I had to be sure that the youth was not permanently injured so the youth was asked to drop his pants, which he did. My conclusions were partially confirmed. The drill bit had taken the underwear and had driven it up into the chuck. The elastic waist band had melted around the outside of the chuck and had burnt the motor. We tried to free the cloth by adding a new battery to the drill and reversing it, but to no avail. It was decided that the only way to set the individual free would be to cut the underwear off.

As we started this procedure, one of the city’s finest arrived to take the report. As it happened, the officer was female and though she fought to keep her reaction professional, the situation was too much for her and she burst into fits of laughter.

The youngster was as red as Aunt Martha’s prize tomatoes. It was also our observation that the youngster was not as concerned with the dilemma as he was with the possibility of never achieving manhood.

Physical Force

When I observed a shopthief known to run with his loot enter this client's store, I alerted several members of the staff for back-up. As expected, the individual took a car stereo and dashed for the front doors. I waited outside with the store Manager for our crook to make his escape. As he crossed the parking lot and we were preparing to put the crunch on him, another store clerk, who we did not know was outside, came out from behind a parked car and simply stuck his forearm out and clotheslined this guy as he went past. The unsuspecting thief was lifted straight into the air and landed on his back. He was arrested after he caught his breath. I must admit that this clothesline was one of the best I had ever witnessed.

The Bicycle Tube

On this one occasion, I witnessed an individual who was known to me as a shopthief. I followed the suspect into the Sports section and observed him place a bicycle tube down the front of his pants. I followed the individual to the front doors of the store and as he left, stopped him to inquire about his crime. As the individual was being escorted back into the store, he decided to start fighting with me. As he struggled, he undid his zipper and removed the article. He then did up the zipper quickly, catching his member in the process.

At this point, however, we had the suspect on the floor and were attempting to place cuffs on him. Obviously the more he struggled in pain, the more we thought he was trying to get away.

I'm caught... I'm caught. he kept repeating to us. And we responded that he was indeed caught and not to struggle so much. It wasn't until we turned him over that we discovered the real problem. It was apparent that the damage inflicted was considerable, so an ambulance was called.

The Skateboarder

A few years ago, a young individual entered this store on his skateboard and snatched two articles from a display area. As he tried to make it to the door, a customer stuck his foot out and the youngster tried to jump the man's foot with the board. He lost control and fell over the cash counter to the floor and ended up flat on his back still holding the two articles.

That Smarts

There is the story about the shoplifter in the States, who tried to spray the security officers after him with pepper spray, but had the container facing the wrong direction. It hit him full force in his own face. Now that's an easy arrest.

M.T. Hammer

Arresting a suspect for the theft of a hammer, which was placed down the back of his pants, the suspect swore that he had taken nothing at all. I was also told that he was going to sue me and everyone else that was in the store that day for the embarrassment. I asked the suspect to sit down and discuss the problem. Of course he refused. At the same time, one of Ottawa's Finest entered the office after hearing the discussion. Again he refused to sit down in the office. So, as I walked by him, I gave him a firm tap and he dropped into the awaiting chair and immediately showed his displeasure with the result. The problem was that the handle of the hammer got partially stuck... well you get the idea. The suspect was taken to hospital and later charged.

Watch Out

Then there was the guy who ran through a closed door and almost killed himself on