Death of a Child Molester

Chapter One

Introduction

He’s dead… he was found dead on his front porch on a Saturday morning, completely alone. My first thought is, I wonder where he is going for his afterlife?

My second thought is, Does it make me a bad person because I am not upset he is gone?

I am not going to say that I was happy to hear Dave was deceased. The best way to describe the feeling is relief. Relief that I never have to worry about seeing him in person ever again. I never have to feel that terrible feeling that creeps into my body like the coldest chill imaginable. I feel relief.

I struggle on what to say to my family, although the only member of this branch of my family tree that I still have any contact with is my Aunt. I love my Aunt dearly, but I have no idea what to say. I cannot say, I’m sorry for your loss.

That is not a true statement. Let me clarify the reason I am not sorry for their loss. It is not because I am happy he is gone, it is because I am happy he is finally away from my family so that he can no longer play the hero that he was not, or the good, wonderful family man that was so far from the truth.

I wish I could say, Sorry for your loss.

However, the only statement that would hold true and have meaning is I am so very sorry that you are grieving (over a child molester).

I felt as though saying, I am sorry you are grieving seemed cold, or even rude. So I kept silent, I did not want to hurt anyone I love especially when they are already in emotional pain.

When you think of the words ‘child molester’, it brings images that are very far from the truth. I would bet that a majority of people would not describe a child molester to be a loyal, hard-working, dedicated family man. Someone who is very dependable, charming, likeable and even handsome, or good looking. But the scary truth is that a child molester cannot be described with a visual image, instead they must be described by the actions in which qualify them as a child molester. For most people, the actions of a child predator are too disgusting, revolting and extremely heartbreaking to comprehend. Therefore, our brain creates a visual image of a monster that in reality, does not exist.

I believe this is one of the biggest problems we face as a society when dealing with sexual abuse towards children. They say that one out of every four adults in the United States has been sexually violated at some point in their life. With those statistics, you would think that our prison system would be full of child molesters and rapists. The sad truth is, time and time again the perpetrator is never held accountable for his/her crimes, even when caught red-handed.

I know of one case in particular that DNA evidence was available and the pedophile still walked away from his crime and any consequences that should have followed a guilty verdict. Even worse, I have a much more personal connection to another case in Clark County, WA where a child was sexually abused. Her abuser was never even charged with the crime, simply because she was too young to explain exactly what day of the week she had been violated. The man that did those terrible crimes to that dear, sweet child, was later charged in another case and was finally arrested. Of course, only after he was able to add more victims to his resume. It is a cold hard fact that most abusers are never caught, and history proves over and over that they will go on to repeat the behavior until they die. Some abusers may eventually evolve into killers.

Sexual abuse is such a large problem. It is very likely everyone in this country knows at least one person that has had some experience with sexual abuse, could be a victim or the perpetrator. Child molesters live among us, they walk next to us on the sidewalk, they sit next to us in restaurants, or at the movies. We work with them and even go to church with them. Child molesters come in all shapes and sizes. They carry many different titles: your neighbor, teacher, and best friend. It is frightening to imagine that it could be your husband, your wife, grandparents, or even your parents. My abuser’s title to me was ‘grandfather’.

One thing that upsets me is that with these statistics, why is this subject still swept under the rug or closed behind the door? Why do so many people turn a blind eye to child abuse of any kind? Why is the subject of sexual abuse still so ‘hush hush’? I have found over the years that when sexual abuse comes up in conversation a large percentage of people just stop talking and become very quiet. We need to find out why?

Maybe if the subject was discussed more frequently, people would be aware of the signs and red flags. It is quite possible more individuals could intervene and maybe, save a child. Victims may feel more comfortable coming forward and witnesses would be more inclined to report suspicious behaviors.

When the abused are rescued or are finally able to come forward with their story, one of the problems they experience is the reaction of others. It is very unfortunate, but some reactions can become quite extreme… changing families forever.

If someone you love is being or has been sexually abused and you want to help them get through this, the best thing to do is let them talk, as much or as little as they want. Do not pry, and keep your emotions in check including facial expressions. This is very important as most people will find details of sex abuse revolting and disgusting and will express these feelings silently. There are a lot of facial expressions that are unique to individuals, but the look that someone gets on their face when they are disgusted is a universal expression. Victims will pick up on these signals and this only compounds the problems they are facing emotionally. They are already feeling dirty and disgusted about themselves, adding facial expressions of revulsion will only add to that. The victim will believe you feel that toward them.

Other feelings a victim may have are anger, anger at themselves for letting it happen. Confusion, because parts of what happened to them may have felt good physically, even though it did not feel good emotionally. Children are especially confused by this. Often the child molester will utilize the confusion and emotions their victims are experiencing to manipulate the situation. Laying fault on the child, as if a child has a choice in the matter.

Families of the abused need to let their loved one feel safe to discuss it openly and freely, even in public. One of the worst things to do to a victim is tell them to ‘Hush!’ when they are talking about the abuse. From a victim’s point of view, I have to say that keeping quiet about the abuse and not being comfortable to discuss what happened can make the emotional problems worse. Discussing the problems helps the abused take back control of their own life and their own body. Taking back control is absolutely necessary.

The biggest connection between Victim and Perpetrator is control. This is one of the reasons I believe that victims of sexual abuse always end up so ‘out of control’. Someone stole the control. Someone took control of your body, and forced you to lie about it. Until you know how it feels to lose that much control of yourself, you may never understand why victims can act so strangely. This is why it is so necessary to try and talk about the crimes that were committed against you, each word helps you take back control of your life. So again, if your loved one is going through something like this, the best thing to do is sit back, try to remain calm, and listen.

Right now, I am going to stop using the word victim to describe the survivor of child abuse. The word victim has a weakness about it. Survivor is a word that describes strength. Being a survivor rather than a victim gives you a certain social power over your abuser. You survived his/her crimes. Be thankful for being a survivor, because some are not so lucky.

I am not going to try to pretend that I know everything about sexual abuse, nor am I going to attempt to inflate or deflate my experience with sexual abuse or anyone else’s story. Every case of sexual abuse is different and everyone reacts differently to being abused but, the aftermath of sexual abuse can be lifelong. Forever changing the future of the survivor. Sexual abuse will also immediately rip away a child’s innocence. Stealing away the innocence of a child is as if you are murdering their soul.

From the moment a trauma takes place to a human, the survivor’s life is divided into two sections, before and after. Some have the ability to block it out completely, while some people are forced to relive it every day and around every corner of their lives. I did both. I was able to block it out through the years, although it was never blocked out completely.

I went through years of my life when I actually believed the abuse did not leave lasting effects. However, in reality, the truth was a ticking time bomb. Until I actually faced it, said it out loud and spoke the truth, I was living life like a zombie. I look back at the person I was before I spoke the truth and I do not recognize myself. I lived in a very dark place and was very alone. I sometimes wonder what kind of life I would have today if I had not been abused, if I had not spent so many years just running away from my problems, while thinking I was worthless. The only regret I have about speaking the truth is that I did not do it years sooner.

I remember when I first tried to tell my mother that I was abused as a child. I was over 30 years old and our relationship had deteriorated to almost nothing because of all the lies. So many lies. Lies are one of the first things an abuser teaches the survivor. They mold you on how to lie so you do not tell their secret. They control you with lies and eventually the survivor feels as though it is their secret too.

Abusers use the innocence of a child to control them. It makes my skin crawl to discuss or think about details of my abuse. It actually makes me physically ill to write certain things in this book and it is very difficult as memories that were placed in a very dark side of my life begin to come alive again on paper. Some of these memories I have never been able to speak aloud. One thing I learned from trying to explain to my mother about why she did not understand me and the reason she always seemed disappointed in me, is that you have to tell the whole truth.

When I finally got enough strength to tell my mother what had happened to me, I tried to tell her the truth without telling her the entire truth. It was the entire truth that needed to come out from the beginning, because not telling the entire story actually blew up in my face bigger than just saying what happened, how much it happened, and who had actually abused me.

So, here is more truth than I have ever put into words. Here is more truth than most will be able to comprehend or accept, especially those that knew or loved Dave Mathers. For those that doubt what I say…. well, someday you will know the truth for yourself. Someday, you will all know and believe the truth.

It has been extremely painful over the past eight years to learn that my grandmother knew about the abuse. I hope