Why Don't They Just Quit? Hope for Families Struggling with Addiction.

Why write this book?

Kansas City, 1967:

On a dark summer night, my buddy Doug and I hop the chain-link fence at the end of the airport runway. After smoking some good weed, we sneak through the tall grass, lie on our backs and wait. Soon the ground trembles, the blinding lights of a huge jet flood the area and the deafening sound momentarily shakes our world. The jet is approximately fifty feet above us as it comes in to land—an incredible experience. Life at nineteen is fun.

Kansas City, 1972:

It’s about noon. I’m alone in my apartment. Some people were here last night but they left hours ago. I’ve been snorting coke since yesterday. My sinuses are a mess. I can’t inhale or breathe through my nose. I begin to think of ways to solve this problem. A soaking wet washcloth should do the trick. Lying on my back, on the couch, I put some rocks of cocaine in my nose, place the warm, wet washcloth over my face and let the moisture fill my nose and dissolve the drug. Bingo, it works! I’m a genius. Needles are only for drug addicts, so I won’t go there—I’m no junkie.

Some family members and a few friends have been bugging me about my drug problem. I wish they would just mind their own business. I know what I’m doing. Besides, it’s not really a problem. I mean, heck, if it was, I’d just quit.

Berthoud, Colorado, 2016

I hate addiction. I hate the way it devastates families. Addiction to alcohol and drugs almost killed me. My life-threatening problem was killing my family as well.

Addiction took sixteen years of my life, and almost took it all. I was in bondage to my addiction, and caring people actually helped me to break it. I’m humbled to say I’ve been free from alcohol and drug abuse for over thirty-five years. Life is good. The sickness that robbed me of joy, peace, and happiness is now in remission. God has been good to me.

The road to recovery has not always been an easy one. I’ve had many days of struggle. But although this journey of recovery is tough at times, it is possible not only to survive, but also to enjoy life again. A faithful friend of mine, Dick Lane, used to tell me in my times of adversity, Every day is not a hot fudge sundae. He’s right, of course, and I no longer try to medicate life’s challenges. After getting into recovery, I found that helping others was a great way to get my mind off myself. It also made me feel good. And, it’s a genuine feel-good—not an artificial, drug-induced one.

Through my own quest for knowledge and recovery, I was led to pursue training in the addiction and recovery field. I spent years working in jails and prisons in Colorado, as both a substance abuse counselor and chaplain. As a certified addiction counselor, I’ve worked with thousands of men, women, teens and their families to help them battle addiction. I’ve learned a lot over the years, as I’ve listened intently to many recovery stories. Writing this book is the latest step in a logical progression for me, a culmination of my personal experience and life’s work.

This chapter of my life—successful recovery—may spark a new hope in you. I believe in the old adage, You can’t keep it unless you give it away. I can’t imagine going through such a life struggle without trying to redeem it for some good. Perhaps I can even help you to avoid a mistake that could save your family a lot of needless pain.

This book is about recovery from addiction—recovery for the addict, the family, and close friends. It is also about how to cope with life when you are dealing with addiction in your family, relationships, or the workplace. My own personal battle, my training, and countless hours working with others who are struggling has given me some unique insights. I’m a survivor, a combat veteran of sorts. I want you to know the truth about addiction, answer some of your most perplexing questions, and provide you with practical tools to help those you care about.

Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.

—Booker T. Washington

My story is not unique, although for years I thought it was. I felt alone, unable to find a way out of a very dark pit. If I found my way out of the trenches to recovery, I know that anyone can. It’s never too late to start the journey. I don’t care who you are or how bad your situation may be.

Dramatic changes are possible. I’ve seen recovery happen at all ages and stages of life. Teens and adults alike can win this battle. I have seen a seminary professor who waited until he was in his sixties to get help to overcome addiction. He’s now well into his seventies and having the time of his life. I’ve been blessed to hear about, and play a part in, so many lives that have been restored.

Quitting is a moment in time; it is not recovery. The word recover means to restore or bring back from loss, that which has been stolen. My hope for those who read this book is for families to be restored. This all begins with knowledge and awareness. Families have been shattered because of the stronghold of addiction, and many loved ones have walked away not realizing there are options and ways to help the addict. This book is about solutions—what works, what doesn’t, and why. Life in recovery can be very, very good. It can even be fun again—for the whole family.

Why do we all take drugs?

From the delivery room to the nursing home, everyone has one thing in common: a desire to increase pleasure and decrease pain. Babies often come into the world crying. They come from the mother’s womb (98 degrees) to room temperature (72 degrees), and they are cold. A nurse wraps them in a nice tight blanket and places this fragile life into its mother’s arms, now content—until he gets hungry.

We all want comfort at every phase of life. And we don’t have to live long to realize that there is always something within us begging to be satisfied. Everyone can relate to this fact of life on some level. Realizing this is a crucial step toward helping your family and friends who are battling addictions.

Here’s the truth about drugs and alcohol: They are very effective for increasing pleasure or decreasing pain. They really do work, and many of them work fast. You don’t have to wait around and look at your watch: you can get instant pleasure or instant pain relief. Their effectiveness feeds into our culture of instant gratification.

So when you talk to your friend or loved one and tell them they need to stop using alcohol and/or drugs (something that has been working for them for a long time), don’t be shocked when they look at you like you are the crazy one! They have a good idea what living life substance-free really means: going through withdrawal, seeking counseling, committing to a treatment program, making new friends, experiencing stress, getting a job, growing up, being responsible, and being a better spouse and parent. To the addict/alcoholic, none of this is going to sound better than using. I know it didn’t to me.

One of the big problems for many dependent people (myself included) is that they don’t see the problem developing in the beginning. For most men and women, dependence is a slow and gradual process. Some will see their drinking as a reward: I worked hard today so I’ll reward myself with several drinks in the evening. No one I’ve known has purposefully set out to become an alcoholic or drug addict. In the beginning, using an addictive substance usually starts out as fun; but in the end, it becomes the very thing that robs their ability to enjoy life.

The dependent person knows how to feel better fast. Alcohol and drug use have become a way of life, a way of dealing with pain and experiencing pleasure. So expect recovery to be a battle—but a battle worth fighting. And I’m here to encourage you to believe that the battle can be won! Those in recovery can and do make dramatic changes in their lives.

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

—Jimi Hendrix

I spent many years lost in the fog of addiction. Friends and family members all tried to get through to me. I was defiant and wanted to keep using in spite of the fact that it was no longer fun. In fact, fun was a distant memory. It had become all about killing the pain. I see this now only in hindsight. At the time, I just had a chip on my shoulder (a brick, actually), and I didn’t even know why.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

—Albert Einstein

The real insanity concerning addiction is the fact that people continue their usage in spite of all the bad consequences. In fact, for me, the consequences were becoming reasons to get high. Addiction is a means to escape, and the more you try to escape from reality, the worse reality becomes.

Imagine having a friend who rents a DVD. He brings it home, puts it in his player, and sits back to watch the movie. After about thirty minutes, he decides that the movie is terrible and boring. He pops it out of the machine and puts it back in the case with plans to return it tomorrow—but the plan is always for tomorrow. In about an hour or so, he decides to put it back in the DVD player to try it again. Nothing has changed; it’s the same crummy movie. But he keeps thinking that one of these times it will be better. Now, imagine that this scenario goes on for years.

This is the insanity of addiction. Each time the addict uses, there is this false hope that life will be better, that using will fix everything, and life won’t be so bad. And, for those who witness this crazy behavior, such a pattern makes no sense at all. You feel as if your friend or family member has lost his mind.

Why don’t they just quit?

Several of my TV talk shows on the subject of recovery featured man on the street interviews: I would pick some large public place, like a walking mall, and ask people all sorts of questions on the topic. One particularly loaded question was, How do you become chemically dependent? A few people had answers right away, but most had to stop and think about it first. Many had no answer at all.

My questions on the street provoked many people, resulting in some interesting responses; some were quite emotional. On one warm summer day we were out asking questions to shoppers on the Pearl Street Mall in Boulder, close to where I live. I approached a woman and asked her the question of the day: When a person’s world starts falling apart because of their substance abuse, why don’t they just quit? She signaled to us that she did not want to answer. So my camera operator and I continued moving along the mall area. Suddenly, she came back to us from behind, yelling, How dare you ask me something like that! Maybe my average-woman-on-the-street was taking it a little too personally? Perhaps someone in her family was fighting substance abuse and she felt threatened by this stranger’s question. You never know how many in a crowd have experienced the profound pain of addiction. Whatever the issues people are dealing with, I have learned much just by asking this key question.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

—Unknown

Some of those I interviewed repeated the question back to me with, That’s a good question, why don’t they just quit? Parents, pastors, spouses, mothers, brothers, friends, police officers, teachers, judges, counselors, and employers all struggle with this same question today. In fact, many addicts and alcoholics themselves can’t understand why they continue down this road.

The Recovery Process

So in real life, how hard is it to quit using? And why don’t they just quit? Let me start by mentioning a few variables. The length of time someone has been using and how much of the drug they have been using (which affects their tolerance level) are factors in determining the difficulty. The recovery process for a twenty-two-year-old with an alcohol and marijuana problem will be different from that of a forty-two-year-old with a methamphetamine or heroin addiction. To completely stop all use of substances, for either person, will be the most difficult challenge they may ever face. It is hard to quit—really