Take Control of Life's Crises Today! A Practical Guide

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ROBERT HAYNES, PhD, is a clinical psychologist, author, and producer of psychology video programs for Borderline Productions. He has worked in the agency setting, taught at the university level, and provided individual and relationship therapy in private practice.

Bob’s life experience has taught him much about the human condition, about crises in our lives, and about how we can better handle those crises. The topic of stress and crisis management has been a focal point in Bob’s professional career.

• He led stress debriefings for 10 years, helping staff cope with a variety of crises from patient assaults and suicide to employee murder.

• He taught Stress Management workshops for more than 20 years.

Bob has co-authored two editions of Clinical Supervision in the Helping Professions: A Practical Guide, which is used as a professional resource and a textbook in psychology and counseling training programs. He has also written journal articles and co-authored manuals and workbooks to accompany psychology videos he produced for Brooks/Cole Cengage Learning on ethics, group therapy, integrative therapy, and personal development.

In his leisure time, Bob likes to camp, fish, bicycle, kayak, travel, and spend time with his grandchildren. He is married to Cheryl, who is a registered nurse and also a proud grandparent. They have two adult daughters, Crissa and Errin.

FOREWORD

Although most of us have experienced some crisis in our life or know someone who has, we do not like to think about the fact that one day we may be challenged to deal with a minor or major crisis. Many of us do not respond well to crises, either because we do not have the skills to effectively manage these crises or because we only think about what we should have done once the crisis is over. The bottom line is that preparation for meeting crises can make a crucial, if not life-saving, difference.

Typically we do not choose crisis events that occur in our lives, but we do have choices about how we respond and cope with crises. Bob draws on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, as well as his personal experiences and the life experiences of others, to provide you with basic knowledge and skills you can apply in dealing with the unexpected events of daily life. In this timely book, Take Control of Life’s Crises Today!, Bob invites you to apply each chapter to your own life to better understand how to manage your life’s crises. Many personal stories enrich this book and provide lessons we all can learn from. Bob’s goals are to assist you in learning more about your own style of crisis management, to help you develop a system for more effectively coping with crises, and to help you prepare to effectively handle any future crises that may come your way.

A number of features of this book make it unique and valuable both for laypeople and for mental health professionals. You will learn how to assess your current ability to cope with crises. Bob provides a self-assessment tool to help you refine your conclusions. How did you experience the crisis? How well did you resolve it? And most important, how can you become more effective in future crisis situations? Bob describes specific steps for preparing for a crisis cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally. Although we often do not have control over the crises that come our way, our self-talk has a great deal to do with how these crises affect us. It may not be possible to change events, but we can change how we perceive these events and how we react to them. With Bob’s guidance and encouragement, you will learn how to respond positively to what is under your control.

In today’s world, crises are occurring with ever-increasing frequency, and you will find many recent examples in these pages. Do you think you are too busy to spend time preparing for something that may happen in the future? Do you think you will somehow magically know the right actions to take when you find yourself in the chaos of a personal crisis? Bob would strongly disagree. We do not get better at something if we never practice our skills. Even minimal preparation and reflection on what you might do when faced with a crisis can help you act more effectively in a crisis. Bob sets out step-by-step guidelines for handling both minor and major crises. The numerous case examples show both effective and ineffective ways people have coped with crises, and these illustrations offer excellent material for self-reflection. You can gain foresight by analyzing others’ hindsight.

The discussion of resilience is invaluable. Your ability to recover from a bleak situation, to learn from it, and to garner courage in moving forward is a skill just like any other. You will also learn that effective self-care is a buffer against the stress of a crisis.

Three chapters speak to specific audiences. Chapter 7, for parents, provides unique information to help parents understand how their children react to a crisis and the ways it might affect them. It also offers a blueprint for parents in helping their children become better prepared to handle crises throughout their lives as they become mature and resilient individuals. Chapter 8, for teachers, acknowledges the serious responsibility teachers have to keep our children safe and secure. It is loaded with practical tips for improving planning and teamwork in the school setting. Finally, Chapter 9, for first responders, takes a look at the unique stresses that affect those who are first on the scene to help all of us whenever a disaster occurs.

Although this book is easy to read and personal, it contains a serious message about concerns common to us all. You can improve the way you deal with life’s crises. Take Control of Life’s Crises Today! will get you thinking about how you can prepare for your next crisis.

Marianne Schneider Corey, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Consultant

Gerald Corey, EdD, ABPP

Professor Emeritus, Human Services and Counseling

California State University, Fullerton

PREFACE

I pondered the topic of preparing for crises as I conducted therapy, trained psychology interns, taught various classes and workshops, and led debriefing sessions. Why do some people seem to know just what to do? And how did they mentally prepare for events so full of emotion and uncertainty? Several years ago I experienced a serious health crisis. As I reviewed my reactions, thoughts, and emotions, I felt I did very poorly in that stressful situation. I soon began to wonder how I could have handled it more effectively. This notion became a focal point for me, and a month after that experience I began to write this book. You will read about my personal experiences with a range of crises, and examine my successes as well as my failures. I have learned much over the years, and I continue to learn more every day that I can apply to handling crises. My goal in writing this book is to pass that knowledge and experience on to you. I believe we can all benefit from taking a proactive stance and improving our crisis readiness.

Today, more so than at any time in recent history, taking control of crises in your life is critical to living successfully. Financial difficulties, foreclosures, job loss, superstorms, raising kids, school shootings, kids on drugs, road rage, long lines at the supermarket, and fast-paced living are crises that we all may face. These crises may be large or small, a single event or an ongoing stressor. This book will help you develop a personalized plan and build on skills you already have to improve the way you respond in a crisis. Once you have defined your plan and practiced your new skills, you will be able to apply them in nearly any situation you encounter.

How to Get the Most From This Book

To get the maximum benefit from reading this book, you should read Chapters 1–6 and any of the specialty chapters that apply. You may streamline your experience by reading selected chapters. Here is a brief summary of what you can expect in each of the chapters. The first four chapters contain the essential introduction, understanding crisis, your self-assessment, and the program for learning to Take Control of Life’s Crises Today! If you only have time for the fundamentals, these four chapters provide a path you can follow on your own. Chapter 5, on resilience, and Chapter 6, on recovering from a crisis and practicing healthy self-care, are essential to developing a strong approach to crises now and in the future.

Three special chapters follow. If you are a parent or grandparent, or work with children in any fashion, Chapter 7, on preparing your child to cope with a crisis, is enlightening and empowering. Chapter 8 specifically focuses on the needs of teachers and other school workers and administrators. Chapter 9, for first responders, focuses on the stress first responders face and their special need for resilience as they are repeatedly sent out to help in times of crisis. Although their training may provide guidelines for action, first responders frequently lack resources for recovery and self-care.

You will get the most from this book if you are an active reader. Take time to think about your own experiences, and complete the exercises along the way. We learn by doing, not just by reading about doing. The more you participate in expanding your knowledge, the more likely it is that you will not only understand the concept of managing crises but actually be able to put these newfound skills into practice on a daily basis. Read, think, interact, challenge, practice, and implement. Begin to take control of your responses to life’s crises today.

Acknowledgments

Extensive research and reading went into the development of this book, but the insights I cherish most were gleaned from talking to people about their experiences and knowledge. I would like to thank the following individuals who provided input, case examples, or reviewed the manuscript at various stages: Patrick Callanan, James Daugherty, Michele Dignan, Jack Haynes, Andrew Heise, Charles T. Hendrix, John Keeley, Robert Macias, Crissa Markow, Michelle Muratori, Patricia Stalder, Roberta Stowe, Errin Taggart, Ian Taggart, Ryan Taggart, and Lisa Wolfe.

My thanks also go to Kay Mikel, manuscript editor, for her outstanding skill, wisdom, and guidance throughout the editorial process. I would like to give special thanks to Gerald Corey and Marianne Corey for their help with the manuscript, case examples, publishing resources, and their excellent guidance and modeling as brilliant writers and master therapists. Finally, thanks to my wife and best friend, Cheryl Haynes. Our frequent discussions of crisis topics and what we have learned from our own life experiences were invaluable in helping me shape this narrative.

Disclaimer

The material in this book is intended to help individuals, parents, teachers, first responders, and others in preparing themselves to better handle crises. This book is not intended as a substitute for training or counseling in the topics addressed. Anyone applying these ideas and methods in work settings should rely on agency policy and procedure as superseding the ideas presented in this book.

Information is constantly changing, with new research and theories being presented every day. The publisher and the author cannot be held responsible for the use of any of the ideas contained herein or for any error, omission, or dated material.

CHAPTER ONE

Crises Are Present in Daily Life

Most of us expect life to be good, easy, fun, and trouble-free; and we are surprised when it isn’t. We all experience minor crises on a daily basis—the kids, the job, money problems, plumbing problems, relationship issues, and more. We also experience larger, less frequent crises from time to time—natural disasters, a car accident, bankruptcy, divorce, and death. A crisis is any significant event or experience that occurs in your life that is stressful for you. It can be positive (a job promotion) or negative (a flat tire on the interstate).

Crises seem to be coming at us at an ever-increasing and alarming rate: the Newtown school shooting, the largest tornado ever recorded, the Boston Marathon bombings, three young women kidnapped in Cleveland and enslaved for 10 years. In the fall of 2012, the Northeast suffered through Superstorm Sandy, followed a few months later by a massive snowstorm. The National Weather Service reported that the United States broke the record for billion-dollar weather disasters in one year with 12 occurring in 2011. We experienced twisters, floods, snow, drought, heat, and wildfires with unprecedented frequency. Each of these events takes a major toll on those caught in them.

Historically, we have thought of crises as rare events, but with 24/7 news reporting on cable channels, alerts on our smartphones, and Internet access to the world, we are learning that there is a crisis somewhere in the world every minute of the day—tsunamis, starving children, rioting, school shootings, corrupt politicians, and murders by drug cartels, to name just a few. With the constant barrage of graphic details and the overwhelming extent and severity of the crises we hear about on a daily basis, we may become numb and lose our compassion for those we see suffering.

Because crises are a part of our everyday life, it is in our best interest to learn to handle them effectively—it is time for you to Take Control of Life’s Crises Today! I hope to provide you with the knowledge and skills to enable you to better handle every crisis that occurs in your life. Let me begin by describing a crisis in my own life, and how I handled it poorly and what I learned from that experience.

I Was a Basket Case When It Came to My Own Crisis

I lay in the hospital bed following a radical prostatectomy—surgical removal of the prostate gland laced with cancer—watching the seconds slowly tick by on that big elementary school style clock that now reads 2:10 a.m. The second hand pauses briefly with every tick. Every second now feels like a minute, every minute an hour. I have been in this bed now for 30 days straight; well, actually 30 hours, but it seems like 30 days. I resume reading an inconsequential story in a magazine. After a while I look up at my nemesis, the clock, and 2 minutes have passed. I am connected to a heart rate monitor that sounds an alarm every time my heart rate goes above 125 beats per minute. So far tonight, I must have sounded the alarm three dozen times. All I have to do is think irrationally about being confined to this bed for weeks or maybe months, perhaps a lifetime, and the alarm sounds again. My mind is controlling how my body reacts.

I like to think I handle crisis situations fairly well. I stay calm and do what needs doing in most situations. But this crisis poked a button for me, and I was unable to manage—I felt and acted a little crazy. Effective self-management enables us to feel in control and provides us with a sense of mastery. It allows us to influence, if not determine, the outcome of the crisis and the impact it will have on our life. Most of us handle some situations better than others, and some situations do not rise to the level of a crisis. But when we are in a crisis, we need to have a game plan in place, and I simply did not have one.

Finally, after what seems like 2 more days (it is now 2:30 a.m.), I signal the nurse with my combo remote TV control and nurse call button. When she arrives at my bedside, I tell her that I seem to be a little anxious and maybe I could have a sleeping pill. She cracks a slight smile and says, Yes, we’ve been watching your heart rate jump around all night. I go on to say that I am quite anxious about never getting out of this hospital and ask if I could also have something to ease the neurotic anxiety. She says there are no orders for any such medications, so I go back to reading, watching mindless early morning TV, playing a handheld video game, and watching the seconds tick by ever so slowly as I listen to the periodic screech of the heart rate monitor alarm.

The first evening after surgery and the next day as well, I had experienced low blood pressure and had fainted once shortly after sitting up in a chair the first day and nearly did the same the second day. My doctor thought it was a reaction to the anesthesia and ordered that I remain flat on my back until my blood pressure stabilized. A nightmare of fears cascaded through my mind. What if I am confined to bed for the