The Official Underground 2012 Doomsday Survival Handbook

INTRODUCTION

All good things come to an end: the summer holidays, your favorite TV show, the tub of ice cream you'd carefully hidden at the back of the freezer. Why should humanity be any different? Since the very dawn of time, species have risen and fallen with grim regularity. Organisms emerge from the primeval sludge, have their brief time in the sun, then perish along with the countless other creatures that preceded them. It has been estimated that 99.9 percent of all the species that have ever lived are now extinct. One day humans will be counted among that number. It's only a matter of time. Many now believe that day may very well be at hand. It is not the menace of global warming or other acts of environmental barbarism that we need fear in the short term, but a disaster of positively biblical proportions — a cataclysmic event that will have humanity clinging by its collective fingertips to the cliff of existence.

According to Mayan legend, our end could be as soon as December 21, 2012. Now, predictions of this kind are nothing new. Ever since our species swung down from the trees, there have always been party-poopers in the tribe that have warned that the good times are about to end. Yet, what if they are correct, and we are at this very moment hurtling toward a date with oblivion?

It is true that we live in perilous times. While our own personal extinction is only as far away as a momentary lapse of concentration on the motorway or fifty years of a hamburger-chomping, artery-clogging diet, riding the freight train to Armageddon with the rest of humanity is quite another story.

Forewarned is forearmed. There would be nothing worse than awaking on December 21, 2012, to meet your doom wearing nothing more than flannel pajamas and an embarrassed expression on your face. Let nobody tell you that they told you so.

This book is for those who do not want to perish with the masses on that or any other day. This book is for survivors.

SECTION 1

THE END IS NIGH… AGAIN

All we see and admire today will burn in the universal fire that ushers in a new, just, happy world.

— Seneca, 65 A.D.

One day Chicken Little was walking in the woods when an acorn landed on top of her head.

Oh my! cried Chicken Little. The sky is falling! The sky is falling! I must go and tell the king.

On the way to the palace, she told everybody she met that they were in great peril and that they should take immediate action.

We all remember this story from our childhoods. It is derived from the fable of Daddabha, from the fourth century B.C. Buddhist book known as the Jataka, and is a timely warning of the perils of hysteria in the face of perceived catastrophe. Doomsayers have been heralding coming destruction since our simian forebears first started bashing rocks together. To date, all prophecies of doom have failed. If we can learn to discriminate between truth and error, we will not only save ourselves from all the embarrassment of preparing for apocalypses that aren't going to happen, but we just might be able to get ready for the ones that are.

While many have dreamed of superpowers such as flight, invisibility, telekinesis or even immortality, most realize that these will forever remain mere flights of fancy. Yet there are those who walk among us and believe, to the very core of their beings, that they possess powers to see the future, or at very least, they know some-one who does.

Imbued with such powers, most would seek next week's lottery results or delve into the tangled web of future personal relationships. But there are some who would use their precognition for more altruistic purposes. Like Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day, who eventually used his foreknowledge for good instead of evil, they would use their gift to avert tragedies or warn others of coming calamity.

Prophets and their prophecies of doom are what concern us here.

Although a complete history of doomsday predictions is beyond the scope of this book, it is important that we gain an insight into the wonderful world of prophecy by an examination of some of the more notable predictions since the dawn of human records. For it is by learning from the mistakes of others that we will not be doomed to repeat them.

Like Noah before the flood, you will encounter many who doubt the soon-coming apocalypse. They will mock and deride your preparations. They will laugh as you warn those around you of their impending doom.

But remember, when December 21, 2012, dawns to whatever cataclysmic fate awaits humanity, who will be the one laughing as the perishing hordes beat on your reinforced bunker door?

2800 B.C., ASSYRIA

According to Isaac Asimov's Book of Facts (1979), one of the oldest surviving doomsday predictions comes from a clay tablet unearthed in Assyria. It reads: Our earth is degenerate in these latter days. There are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end. Bribery and corruption are common. Children no longer obey their parents. Every man wants to write a book, and the end of the world is evidently approaching.… It would seem that nothing has changed.

CIRCA 1000 B.C., PERSIA

Zarathustra (also known as Zoroaster), the ancient Iranian poet and mystic, had his first vision at the age of thirty. This led to his development of a philosophy that ran contrary to the popular polytheistic religions of the day. Although at first he found it difficult to win any converts (except his cousin, Maidhyoimanha), his teachings eventually went on to form the foundation of a religion that is today known as Zoroastrianism.

The core of his beliefs revolved around a moral philosophy of choice. Those who pursue a good life through thought, word and deed will be happier than those who don't. Zoroaster also taught that at the end of the age of man, there would be a great battle between the forces of good and the forces of evil. The mountains of the earth would melt away and rivers of molten metal would flow across the earth, consuming the unrighteous. Only the just would survive. Zoroaster was a very wise prophet indeed; he did not give many specifics.

Zoroaster taught that at the end of the age of man, the mountains of the earth would melt away and rivers of molten metal would flow across the earth consuming the unrighteous. Only the just would survive.

634 B.C., ROME

The recent popularity of games like Sudoku demonstrates our strange fascination with finding number patterns in the world around us. From the very earliest of times, doomsayers have tried to join the dots in any way they could to help support their claims. More oft en than not, this would involve convoluted juggling tricks with mathematics and calendar dates. Oft en, with a little imagination and a huge suspension of disbelief, these calculations would be enough to fool not only themselves, but also anyone else lacking the skeptic's eye. Sometimes, if you look at something hard enough, you start seeing what you want to see, like animal shapes in the clouds.

The early Romans were not immune to these apocalyptic numbers games. According to one legend, Rome was founded by twin brothers, Romulus and Remus. After surviving an attempted murder and being raised by first wolves and subsequently shepherds, they petitioned the gods to advise them on their town planning decisions. After taking the sighting of twelve vultures as a good omen, they found the perfect site to found the city of Rome.

In later years, citizens of Rome hypothesized that the vultures clearly indicated the number of years that Rome would last — each bird representing a decade. Placing their collective heads together, they surmised that as the city was founded in 753 B.C., you simply need to add 120 years to determine when Rome would fall.

It didn't happen.

A quick recalculation ensued. The mistake was now obvious. One vulture did not represent ten years, as previously thought, but rather one month of a year. Each year has 365 days, so each day was obviously meant to represent one year, bringing the new estimated doomsday to 389 B.C. QED.

In later years, citizens of Rome hypothesized that the vultures clearly indicated the number of years that Rome would last — each bird representing a decade.

Once again, it didn't happen. The avian apocalypse calculation method was promptly abandoned, and the Romans returned to more productive pursuits like territorial expansion. However, a precedent was now set and the way was paved for future doomsayers to test their mettle against the dull edge of the popular mind. This was not the first and would certainly not be the last apocalyptic prediction to fall short of hitting the mark.

167 B.C., BABYLON

The Book of Daniel recounts the story of the Jewish captivity in Babylon after the Siege of Jerusalem in 597 B.C. The hero of the story, Daniel, is forced to serve in the courts of a foreign king after being deported from his native land. After rising through the ranks as a part-time lion tamer and interpreter of dreams, he naturally becomes political advisor to the king. With more free time on his hands than he knows what to do with, he dedicates himself to recording a series of personal visions, which set the benchmark for all subsequent number-play shenanigans in apocalyptic literature. Biblical prophecies, being what they are, can often be somewhat difficult to interpret, as Daniel discovered when the Lord God gave him a vision of four mutant beasts, three aging tyrants, two haughty livestock and a partridge in a pear tree. According to the Archangel Gabriel, the meaning of these prophecies was so scary that they would remain a mystery until the very End of Days.

CIRCA 60 A.D., JERUSALEM

In the Gospel of Matthew, written towards the end of the first century a.d., Jesus of Nazareth fills us in on a few of the details surrounding the End of Days. Countries will fight each other, kingdoms will attack one another. There will be famines and earthquakes everywhere. All these things are but the first pains of childbirth. …The sun will grow dark, the moon will no longer shine, the stars will fall from heaven, and the powers in space will be driven from their courses. Then… they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Although Jesus did not fall into the trap of giving an actual date for these events, going so far as to say that no one knows when that day or hour will come, he did say that all these things will happen before the people now living have all died. (Mark 30:11)

Understandably, many of Jesus' followers took all this literally and were disappointed, to say the least, when he didn't return as promised. Not to be put off by these minor details, each subsequent generation of prophecy-interrupting-Christian has continued to calculate the date of his return, usually within their own lifetime, for maximum marketing effect.

It must be remembered that Jesus was rather fond of speaking in riddles, which only the most discerning could understand (Matt. 13: 10–13). They look, but do not see, and they listen, but do not hear or understand.

…The sun will grow dark, the moon will no longer shine, the stars will fall from heaven, and the powers in space will be driven from their courses. Then… they will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven with power and great glory.

90 A.D., PATMOS

Being locked up in solitary confinement for years can do strange things to your mind. And there are few things stranger than the account of the apocalypse found in the Book of Revelation. Purportedly written by the apostle Paul while in exile on the Isle of Patmos, this book records a series of spectacular visions about the End of Days. Unlike other accounts of the apocalypse in the Bible, these prophecies have everything: fire and brimstone, weeping and gnashing of teeth, and more numerical symbology than you can poke a stick at. This is what apocalypse is all about. God hasn't been idle all these millennia. He's been busy planning the homecoming from hell.

Locusts came down out of the smoke upon the earth, and they were given the same kind of power that scorpions have.

Each detail has been lovingly craft ed for maximum torment. Take the unleashing of the mutant grasshopper horde upon the unjust as an example. "Locusts came down out of the smoke upon the earth, and they were given the same kind of power that scorpions have. They were told not to harm the grass or the trees or any other plant; they could harm only the people who did not have the mark of God's seal on their foreheads. The locusts were not allowed to kill these people, but only to torture them for five months. The