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    The Musician's Joke Book
    The Musician's Joke Book
    The Musician's Joke Book
    Ebook166 pages48 minutes

    The Musician's Joke Book

    By Jim Green

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    A side-splitting selection of one-liners, comic definitions, yarns and witty quotes from the world of music. Most professions have their own jokes, but musicians seem to have more than their fair share. Perhaps it's the insane travel schedule, the bad lodgings or just lack of sleep. But as Jim Green says in his introduction, "...it's not surprising we're a band apart (so to speak), outcasts who seek only our own company, rubbing two jokes together for warmth and trying to feel superior by sneering at one another's abilities and personalities." So maybe the reason musicians love poking fun at one another is nothing more than getting in first before everyone else does. Or perhaps choosing laughter is the only alternative to despair... Anyway, here is a truly great selection of jokes, quotes and stories from the world's second oldest profession. Enjoy! Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? A: When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim. Q: What do you throw a drowning lead guitarist? A: His amp. Q: Why was the clarinetist staring at the orange juice bottle? A: Because the label said "concentrate." "I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." Elvis Presley
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherOmnibus Press
    Release dateJun 7, 2010
    ISBN9780857123695
    The Musician's Joke Book
    Author

    Jim Green

    Jim Green has worked for many years in the field of mental health with both local and national organisations, the Open University and the BBC. He describes his decades of meditation practice as 'always learning to be a beginner'.

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      Book preview

      The Musician's Joke Book - Jim Green

      www.sheetmusicdirect.com

      Flutes & Piccolos

      What is the range of a piccolo?

      Q: What is the range of a piccolo?

      A: About twenty yards on a good day.

      Q: Why do you hardly ever see a flautist take a breath?

      A: Because they already have a vast supply of air in their heads.

      Q: What’s the difference between a flautist and a seamstress?

      A: A seamstress tucks up frills.

      Q: How many flautists does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: Five. One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.

      Q: What do you call a good flute section?

      A: Impossible.

      Hell is full of musical amateurs

      George Bernard Shaw Dramatist/Critic

      Q: How many flautists does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: Just one, but she’ll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.

      The only good thing to come out of religion was the music

      George Carlin Comedian

      Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?

      A: When the engines stop, the whining continues.

      Q: How many flautists does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: Only one, but she’ll break 10 bulbs before she realizes you can’t just push them in.

      I got to try the bagpipes. It was like trying to blow an octopus

      James Galway Flautist

      Q: How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?

      A: Shoot one.

      Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?

      A: When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn’t hit the rim.

      Q: How many flautists does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: Just one. She simply holds it up and the world revolves around her.

      The flute is not an instrument that has a good moral effect – it is too exciting

      Aristotle Philosopher

      Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some

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