Leading with Y.E.S.

FOREWORD

What Great Leaders Have in Common

Think about a time in your life when you’ve really felt connected to someone else. It could be the laughs you shared with a friend or loved one . . . the Sunday sermon or TED Talk that prompted you to look at yourself and your life differently . . . or a character in a novel or movie that swept you away in time. Most likely all of those scenarios (and others you might think of) have something in common—they involve telling a story.

You know from experience that stories lead us to a greater understanding of ourselves and others. They have enormous power in shaping lives. So much power, in fact, that they can shape the future and a better world.

In his classic book Leading Minds, the Harvard psychologist and faculty member Howard Gardner shows that all great leaders have two things in common. First, they have a story that inspires the people they’re leading. Second, their life embodies their story.

For instance, Martin Luther King Jr. told stories that connected African Americans’ quest for civil rights to the story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. He told stories that linked their cause to Mahatma Gandhi’s nonviolent approach to gaining independence for India. And, most powerfully, King made his stories real by marching with his people, by practicing nonviolence, and, as we know, putting his own life at risk in service of a greater story.

By identifying the stories he wanted to share and defining and acting on his own story, King helped change the world. By being aware of and intentional about your own story, you too can make a powerful impact through your unique contributions.

In Leading with Y.E.S., leadership coach Maria van Hekken shows you how to make that happen. Maria is the kind of leader that Howard Gardner wrote about. She is very clear about her story, and her life embodies that story. At the core of Maria’s story is the belief that all of us get to choose our own story. Circumstances are just that—circumstances. What matters more is the story you create about your life, who you are in the world, and how you act on that awareness.

With the skill and empathy of a highly experienced and caring coach, Maria leads you through a step-by-step process to uncover and live your own extraordinary story. Drawing on years of experience in helping her clients do exactly that, Maria offers thought-provoking questions, inspirational examples, and practical exercises to help you define the story you were meant to live.

Are you ready to change your life and the world? If your answer is yes, keep reading. Maria is ready to help you find and live your extraordinary story.

—Scott Eblin, author of Overworked and Overwhelmed: The Mindfulness Alternative

INTRODUCTION

How Do You Show Up in the World?

A number of lawyers were asked by AARP if they would reduce their fee to thirty dollars an hour to help needy retirees. No one agreed to do it. Then AARP did something unexpected: they asked the lawyers if they would do it for free. The answer was overwhelmingly yes.

Which sounds crazy. If I’m willing to do something for nothing, why wouldn’t I be willing to do that same thing for money? It seems completely irrational.

And it is.

But much of the time, rational reasoning has little to do with how we act. So what does drive our behavior? As Maria explores so beautifully in this book, it’s all about the stories we tell ourselves.

When we consider whether to do something, we subconsciously ask ourselves a simple question: Am I the kind of person who . . . ?

In the case of the lawyers, money changes the question. When the lawyers were offered thirty dollars an hour, their question was Am I the kind of person who works for thirty dollars an hour? The answer was clearly no. But when they were asked to do it as a favor, their new question was Am I the kind of person who helps people in need? And then their answer was yes.

We think of ourselves in stories. And whatever we do needs to fit those stories in some satisfying way. Which means, of course, that the stories we tell about ourselves—even if they are just to ourselves—are critically important. They influence what we believe is possible. And what we believe is possible determines what we are willing to make possible.

What does the voice inside your head tell you? How does it comment on the decisions you make, on the situations you’re in, on the way you live your life, on the people with whom you live your life? Are you aware of how much your experience of life is influenced by the stories you tell? Are you aware of how the choices you see available to yourself—the ones from which you must choose anytime you act—are governed by the stories you tell?

After reading this book, you will be.

In the pages that follow, Maria will take you through a well-thought-out process to uncover, clarify, create, refine, expand, energize, and unleash your own story so that it becomes the kindling that ignites your life.

But Maria’s book is not simply about the importance and usefulness of story. It’s a tool to help you use all of who you are to understand, create, and live from the story that will transform you into your most powerful self.

When I teach leadership, my entire focus is on helping people close the gap between what they know and what they do. Nobody fails for lack of knowledge. We don’t falter because we are missing some bit of information or because we don’t have the right process to follow or because we lack awareness of the right strategy.

We fail because we don’t follow through on what we know. We don’t have those difficult conversations, we don’t take those hard risks, we don’t speak the truth when that’s what we need to do.

Our challenges in life are not primarily intellectual. They’re visceral.

And understanding our own story—telling yourself your extraordinary story—is one of your key enablers. It will allow you to show up—fully and confidently and with presence—in whatever situation you find yourself.

Leading with Y.E.S. is a powerful step to closing the gap between what you know and what you do.

Here’s my advice: don’t just read this book, use it. Craft your story when Maria asks you to. Change it when she suggests you might. Play with it in your life as she gives you examples of the way others incorporate their stories into their own lives. Reading Maria’s book is—or at least it should be—an active process. So be active with it.

That’s how a book can transform a life.

I know Maria. We work together. And I want you to know that Maria is the real deal. When she writes about positivity, she isn’t being academic. She is speaking from genuine experience. My observation of Maria is that she shows up fully, positively, and with tremendous presence. I see her story in the way she lives her life. And it’s impressive. Maria is someone who I am happy to learn from. You will be, too.

Think of those lawyers whose story motivated them to do for free what they wouldn’t do for money. That’s the power of story.

But this book isn’t about them. It’s about you.

So, what’s your extraordinary story?

—Peter Bregman, CEO, Bregman Partners, Inc., author of Four Seconds: All the Time You Need to Stop Counter-Productive Habits and Get the Results You Want

GETTING STARTED

Tell Your Story Here

I wrote this book because I want to help you find your extraordinary story. For you to get the most from this book, I have just one simple request: please do not be tempted to jump ahead! Stay with me page by page, from start to finish. I promise that there is a method to my madness.

And now, before we begin, I encourage you to devote a small window of time—at least thirty minutes—to doing something that I guarantee will steer you in an exciting and meaningful new direction. Before you do anything else, I want you to take the important step of introducing yourself to me by telling me your story.

Tell me who you are as a leader, where you are in life, and why you are here. Present a clear picture of the story that you are currently living. Doing this will help you as you move through the book to ultimately create your extraordinary story.

WHY DO YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR STORY?

Your story is the script that you have chosen. It’s how you make sense of the world: how you frame what you see, what you experience, who you believe you are, and what you believe is possible.

When you capture your story and interpret it through your writing, you make your story real and concrete. It’s critical for you to know what it is that you routinely think and say to yourself, what you tell others about yourself, and how you see yourself as a leader. Writing down your current story will give you a useful benchmark as we work to create your new story. By the time you finish this book, you will be amazed as you compare your before story to your extraordinary after story.

On the next page, you’ll find the first of several Y.E.S. Action Tools that you’ll complete throughout the course of the book. Introducing yourself and your story is an important first step in this process. So turn the page and let’s get started.

Important Note on the Y.E.S. Action Tools

All of the tools featured throughout this book are available to Leading with Y.E.S. readers. Each tool can be downloaded and printed for your convenience. You can find all of the Y.E.S. Action Tools at http://leadingwithyes.com/tools.

Tell the Story You Are Living Now

Imagine creating a story that helps you realize that everything you have experienced has contributed to who you are. Get started by thinking about your story and introducing yourself. Here are five questions that will help you begin:

Who is the person you see in the mirror each day?

What adjectives do you use to describe yourself to other people?

What do you want people to know about you?

How do you describe your work or roles to others?

What else is important to know about you?

PART 1

Think About Story

We tell ourselves stories in order to live.

—Joan Didion

When I work with leaders and executives from all kinds of organizations and industries, I find that we all share several common truths: we all want to make a difference, we all want to make a positive contribution to the world, we all want to be happy, and we all want those around us to lead happy, meaningful, and satisfying lives. This primal drive is the connection that we all share.

However, there is also one other common truth that we all share. Often, this single belief is what keeps us from becoming our best selves. It holds us back from making the biggest impact on the universe that we possibly can.

We all think that we’re not good enough.

We believe that we have loads of critical weaknesses, that we’ve made an infinite amount of mistakes, and that really, in all honesty, we just happened to fall into our current position of leadership. Our success is not something that we set out to achieve or something that we have rightfully earned. We were just lucky.

But here’s the thing that I realized after coaching hundreds of people for thousands and thousands of hours: people are all just telling themselves the same small story. What I mean is that they tell a story that deliberately downplays the significance of what they do and, most importantly, who they are.

These small stories break my heart, because I know leaders who could make an even bigger difference if they could just create their story to show who they are at their very core. And not just create a new story, but completely embrace their story and who they are.

FIND YOUR GREATNESS

I have developed a simple method to help people identify all the characteristics that contribute to their unique greatness. Using this method, we take the facts of your life, but instead of telling a small story, we tell a bigger story—your extraordinary story.

Dare to be clear and confident and yes, still humble, and tell your story so that you can make a difference