Hope for Your Marriage: Experience God’s Greatest Desires for You and Your Spouse

Praise for Hope for Your Marriage

Clayton and Ashlee Hurst are on the forefront of marriage ministry. This book is full of practical wisdom that’s a must-read for anyone looking to grow in their marriage.

—Jimmy Evans, founder and CEO, MarriageToday, Southlake, Texas

This book, layered with scriptures and personal stories of overcoming obstacles, will bless every couple ready to have a healthy and happy marriage with God at the center!

—DeVon Franklin, CEO, Franklin Entertainment; bestselling author of The Hollywood Commandments, The Wait, and Produced by Faith

Whether you are a newlywed or married for decades, this encouraging book will give you new and practical insight into how to make your marriage the best relationship in your life.

—Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher; bestselling author of For Women Only, For Men Only, and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages

We encourage every married couple to not just buy this book, but live with it, mine its depths, and live out its principles. You will be better for it!

—John and Aventer Gray, Associate Pastor of Lakewood Church; Director of Dance at Lakewood Church

Ashlee and Clayton transparently tell their story of honestly misunderstanding each other—a story of every husband and wife! Yet, God revealed insights that enabled them to love and respect each other in meaningful and friendly ways. We are blessed by their lives and testimony.

—Dr. Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs, Love and Respect Ministries

Written out of the overflow of their own journey, Clayton and Ashlee share how God transformed their marriage. A hope-filled book for all those who desire a loving, supportive relationship.

—Gary Chapman, Ph.D., bestselling author of The Five Love Languages

With practical wisdom and real-life application, Clayton and Ashlee provide a treasure-trove of insights for building a God-honoring marriage. Every couple needs to read this fantastic book!

—Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, #1 New York Times bestselling authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

Read this book. Not only will it help you increase marital satisfaction, but it will lead toward a marriage you never dreamed possible.

—Ted Cunningham, pastor, Woodland Hills Family Church, Branson, Missouri; author of Fun Loving You

The key to success in any media, especially as authors, is to identify so thoroughly with the audience that they feel the story is about themselves. That’s what Clayton and Ashlee Hurst have so masterfully achieved. If you want a great marriage, not just a good one, read this book!

—SQuire Rushnell and Louise DuArt, New York Times bestselling authors of Godwinks book series and The 40 Day Prayer Challenge

You’re holding the quintessential playbook for a thriving marriage. No matter what marital season you find yourself in, this incredible resource will help you take your most-prized earthly relationship to the next level.

—Chris Brown, pastor, speaker, Ramsey Personality, nationally syndicated radio host of Life Money Hope

Read it. Your marriage will be glad you did!

—Ted Lowe, author of Your Best Us and founder of marriedpeople.org

© 2018 Clayton and Ashlee Hurst

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Emanate Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Emanate Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

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Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.Zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

Scripture quotations marked ESV are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation. © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked TLB are from The Living Bible. Copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version. Public domain.

Scripture quotations marked THE MESSAGE are from The Message. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from the New King James Version®. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Any Internet addresses, phone numbers, or company or product information printed in this book are offered as a resource and are not intended in any way to be or to imply an endorsement by Thomas Nelson, nor does Thomas Nelson vouch for the existence, content, or services of these sites, phone numbers, companies, or products beyond the life of this book.

Epub Edition November 2017 ISBN 9780785216384

ISBN 978-0-7852-1638-4 (eBook)

ISBN 978-0-7852-1645-2 (TP)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017956694

Printed in the United States of America

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We pray many marriages will find the

hope they need within these pages.

Even the marriages yet to be created.

Let this be written for a future generation,

that a people not yet created may praise the LORD.

— PSALM 102:18

Contents

Foreword by Joel Osteen

1. Dry Bones Come Alive

2. The Happily Ever After Myth

3. The Right Choice

4. Love, Security, Respect, and Honor

5. Effective Communication

6. Healthy Conflict

7. The Power of Partnership

8. Forgiveness

9. Sex Is Not a Four-Letter Word

10. Declaring Life over Your Marriage

11. Jesus at the Center

Epilogue: A Marriage Legacy Worth Leaving

Acknowledgments

Notes

About the Authors

Foreword

Years ago, my father was frustrated with my mother and decided to give her the silent treatment. Or, as we call it, the cold shoulder-deluxe. He went around all day not speaking to her, and when he had to speak he would only give a one word answer. Well, this went on for a few hours until my mother had had enough. She went and quietly hid herself behind a door without telling anyone. She remained as still and quiet as she could, until finally my father got worried because he hadn’t seen her in a while. He began searching the house. He looked, and looked. Then, when he walked right by, she jumped out on his back, scaring him and saying, I am not getting off until you cheer up! They laughed and laughed until my father could no longer remember what he was upset about.

Every couple will face difficulty in marriage, but the ones who learn how to overcome disagreements are the ones who will succeed.

Today, some of the greatest spiritual attacks are on our homes. The enemy works hard to divide families and bring strife into marriages. That’s why it is so vital for us to learn how to fight for our most important relationships.

Clayton and Ashlee Hurst have served faithfully here at Lakewood Church for more than a decade. We love the joy and leadership they bring to our family of ministries. Victoria and I have appreciated both their commitment to each other and their commitment to the people of Lakewood, and that’s why we asked them to oversee the marriage and parenting ministry here at Lakewood.

Clayton and Ashlee will be the first to tell you they are not perfect. They don’t have all the answers. But what they do have is a willingness to share all the ways God has worked in their marriage over the years knowing that if He did it for them, He will do it for you too.

In Hope for Your Marriage, Clayton and Ashlee openly share the difficulty they faced in their first five years of marriage. Young married couples often don’t realize what is going wrong and Clayton and Ashlee were no different. They didn’t know what they didn’t know. Slowly, over time, as they let God work in their relationship, they began to see the fruit.

In Hope for Your Marriage you will find encouragement for your marriage no matter where you are on your journey. Maybe you’re engaged and wondering what the days ahead hold for you. This book is for you. Maybe you are a newlywed, enjoying the afterglow of your honeymoon. This book is for you. Maybe you’ve made it through the first twenty years of marriage and are searching for a fresh wind in your relationship. This book is for you too. Or maybe you’ve been through a lot of pain in your marriage and are considering a separation. Yes, Hope for Your Marriage is for you too.

No matter where you are in your marriage, stay committed to your spouse and watch what God does on your behalf. Remain faithful and don’t quit. Your family and friends will see the difference. God will also see the difference and honor you for it.

There is hope for your marriage!

Pastor Joel Osteen

Lakewood Church

1

Dry Bones Come Alive

Son of man, can these bones live?

— EZEKIEL 37:3

They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

— TOM BODETT, AUTHOR AND RADIO HOST

Are you willing to do whatever it takes to have the marriage you always dreamed of?

At the very beginning of our marriage, we would have answered that question with a resounding yes! And if someone had challenged us with that question during the early years of our marriage, it could have changed the trajectory of our marriage.

On June 15, 1996, our wedding day, we began what we thought would be our uninterrupted, lifelong love affair. We were in love and all our energy had been spent planning and preparing for our big day. We picked out color schemes, decided whether to use real or fake flowers, and talked about whether eight attendants each were too many. The small details were important to us. We were both very proud of our Christian heritage and wanted everyone to know that our wedding day was dedicated to God and to the beginning of our commitment to each other. We had been engaged for about eight months, and the time had flown by quickly. Before we knew it, the pictures had been taken, the reception was over, and we were off on a romantic honeymoon. We were finally married, on top of the world, and nothing would ever change that—right?

In retrospect, we spent so much time preparing for our wedding day that we didn’t prepare much for the days that would follow. In our premarital counseling sessions, we were assured that since our parents had great marriages, we should be fine and there was no need to discuss anything deep concerning our relationship. And we believed it. We had a false sense of security. We thought there was no need to continue premarital counseling.

During that first year, we were redefining what normal looked like. We were learning how to be married, how to be a husband and a wife, and how to love each other on a new level. Honestly, we began that year on a mountaintop and then began our slow descent. We had no idea we were heading directly into a valley. A deep and painful valley. Almost five years later we found ourselves stuck in that valley. We had done so many hurtful things to each other we didn’t know if there was any way out.

There is a story in the Bible that describes a similar desolate valley. The prophet Ezekiel was swept away into a panoramic vision by God. The Lord placed him in the middle of a valley full of dry bones. Suddenly, God took him up in the air to survey the scene of destruction. As far as Ezekiel could see in any direction was nothing but death and despair. A broad valley filled with dried bones, scattered from east to west. It was the valley of death and all hope was gone. Or was it?

Our Valley Moment

Our valley moment came early on in our marriage when we realized we did not know how to effectively communicate with each other. Often we found ourselves yelling back and forth, trying to get our points across. We were miserable. We thought we had tried everything but nothing seemed to work. At that moment, we were desperate for hope! We were faced with the same questions we now ask other couples:

Were we willing to do whatever it took to have the marriage we had always hoped and dreamed of?

Were we willing to take small steps every day to get out of this hopeless valley we found ourselves in?

Were we willing to submit to God and to each other?

From Ashlee

It was November 2000. During the presidential election, as the world was debating and arguing over hanging chads, I was debating over a marriage hanging on by a thread. I had given birth to our first child just five weeks earlier. And as the world was thrust into chaos, I felt a chaos of uncertainty in my own heart of what the upcoming years had in store. How could we bring a new addition into our little family when our marriage felt lifeless? Why were we so unhappy? Why didn’t we have a successful marriage? Both sets of our parents had been successful, both of us were raised in Christian homes, and we were very involved in our church. I started thinking back over the last five years and what had gone wrong. I started picturing it in bullet points.

•Year 1: The first few months were exciting and fun, almost like living Christmas day over and over. We lived in the cutest little log cabin in a hayfield with cows all around us. It was any country girl’s dream. It was our own little East Texas paradise. We were happy. Clayton did have a few quirks that I thought were a little strange, but I was convinced I could eventually change him. I did, however, have some silent internal struggles from my past that I never shared with Clayton, but for the most part it was like dating, only we never had to say goodnight and leave.

•Year 2: The honeymoon phase was ending. When we tried to talk to each other, we would find ourselves disagreeing on almost everything. Those disagreements turned into hurtful arguments. I had just started my first year teaching high school and I was not enjoying it. I was young to be teaching high school students and felt overwhelmed. I tried to talk to Clayton about it so he could encourage me through it, but he just tried to fix all my problems. I didn’t want that, I just wanted him to listen. I stopped sharing as much as I used to with him.

•Year 3: Clayton took a