Why "We" Didn't Choose You, Vol. I: A Relationship Handbook for Women (and Men)

Chapter 1

Why We Didn’t Choose You

There is only one situation I can think of in which men and women make an effort to read better than they usually do. When they are in love and reading a love letter.

~Mortimer Adler

Open Letter: A letter that is published in a public forum but is addressed to a specific individual or audience. -Merriam-Webster dictionary

This chapter contains love letters written to the women who the panel of men didn’t choose as lifelong partners. They believed it would be best to start with the letters as a prologue to the ensuing chapters. Moreover, the men considered that the letters written to these women would serve as a bridge to understanding, making sense of, and explaining why the problems that transpired in their relationships could not be resolved.

The letters addressed the past and present concerns of the men. The following questions were answered in an attempt to explain to the women why they were not chosen for marriage: Why were these women not the ideal life partners? Were the lines of communication in the relationships open to discuss issues, problems, and concerns? Did a crisis happen in the relationships? Did the crisis change the direction of the relationships? What mistakes did the men make in the relationships? What could the men have done differently? Why did the relationships end?

Drew

Dear Paris,

How are you? I hope all is well. It has been a long time since we have communicated. This is unusual for me to write a letter to a former lover. However, I believed it was important to reveal my true feelings. There are many reasons for wanting to write this letter. The main reason is that I wanted you to gain a better understanding of why we are no longer together. I know that you had a lot of unanswered questions after we broke up. I should have told you all of the reasons I believed it was imperative we end the relationship. But, I was hurt and needed to move on before the pain grew any deeper. When the fear of where our relationship stood became greater than the fear of the direction it was going, I knew it was time for the relationship to end. In retrospect, I allowed my fears to become stronger than my love for you.

I hope that you open your heart and mind to the content of my words. Please don’t take them in a negative way. I will start by saying you are a beautiful person, both on the inside and out. We had some fun times together. However, reminiscing on the past we didn’t have any meaningful moments. Although I know you are a good person, you had a bad perspective on what it meant to please a man. You weren’t attentive to my emotional needs, and you didn’t make me feel like a man. No, I’m not talking about sex. Honestly, the sex was the least of my complaints throughout the relationship. I needed you to make me feel like a man by greeting me at the door after work with hugs and kisses, attempting to understand the rigors of my day, periodically making a home cooked meal, running my bath water, giving me a massage, and making passionate love to me before bed. You failed in the majority of these areas. These were simple requests. At certain times, it was like you weren’t even trying. Why continue to tell me you love me and not put forth any effort? Your words and actions were inconsistent.

In the words of John Lennon, A dream you dream alone is only a dream. I dreamt of us being together and starting a family. Before that dream could become a reality, you made it clear through your actions that reality leaves a lot to the imagination. In my opinion, there were things that you could have done differently if you wanted the relationship to work. You allowed too many external factors to influence our relationship. First, I felt that if you allowed your girlfriends to influence our relationship then, they would have continued to interfere after we were married. Second, because you told your mother explicit details about our relationship, she had a bias opinion of me. Third, if you were going to make one-sided decisions without consulting with me then, it was going to be problematic later. Finally, if you believed that you didn’t need a man to provide happiness to your life, then why should we have continued the relationship? I understood you were independent; however you were independent to a fault. You didn’t want me to be the man of the house. You only wanted me to be the man who lived in the house.

I also believed that your outlook on relationships was different from mine. I know it is much easier to point the finger when one person has a different viewpoint. But, I am pointing the finger because you put me through a lot of unnecessary bullsh!t. It was bullsh!t that I didn’t deserve. Your perspective on relationships was completely disturbing. Your past boyfriend really hurt you. He destroyed your self-confidence, and I spent the entire relationship trying to restore it. I couldn’t fix your broken heart.

After we broke up, I thought about all the things that I could have done differently. Maybe I should have brought flowers home once a week. Maybe I should have taken you out to eat regularly. Maybe I should have cooked dinner for you twice a week. Maybe I should have cleaned up more around the house. Maybe I should have been more understanding when you were feeling bad because one of your girlfriends was having troubles in their relationship. The reality is, even if I would have done all of those things, it wouldn’t have mattered. Your pain came from a much deeper place. A place that you wouldn’t allow me to venture and I didn’t know how to navigate to find.

In closing, it was a pleasure meeting you. I hope that you find a man who will make you happy. I wish you the very best. Love always, Drew.

Javier

Dear Jesenia,

Hey sweetheart. How are you? I have been missing you. I mean really missing you. I hope that life is treating you well. Everyone still asks about you. My mother talks about you every day. She asks, How is Jesenia? Where is she living now? Why did you two break up again? She always tells me that I made a mistake with you. But, I already knew that. My heart has told me many times you were the one that got away.

Since we broke up, I have reflected on our relationship. I made a lot of mistakes. Some you forgave me for and others were too extreme to forgive. I completely understand that. There are some things I realize now that I didn’t then. The biggest thing is that life only gets complicated when you complicate your life. I led a complicated life and I didn’t think you were ready to handle that. As much as my family and I miss you, ending our relationship at the time was probably for the best.

I remember first meeting you at Barnes and Noble. The line I used to introduce myself was so corny, but you still gave me your cell phone number and agreed to go out on a date with me. I guess you felt sorry for me. Our first date was at an old-school drive-in movie. We went to see A Walk to Remember, where a bad boy falls in love with a good Christian girl. You cried the entire movie. I can still remember holding you and thinking out loud, I do not want to hurt this woman. Now years later, I am pondering the errors of my ways.

I loved spending time with you. I really enjoyed when you would come over and we’d have movie night. I made you watch action films like Mission Impossible, and you made me watch girlie flicks like The Notebook. I would memorize Young Noah’s lines because I knew it turned you on. I would say, I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you every day for a year, and you would respond in surprise, You wrote me? I would deviate from the script and respond, Yes baby, I wrote you. You were on my mind every moment we were apart. We would lie on the couch, kiss and cuddle, but you would never let me have sex with you. You told me that you were waiting for marriage. You were a good girl, but I was a bad boy. I couldn’t wait that long. My life was about instant gratification. Your life moved at a slower pace. It was a pace that I wasn’t accustomed to. I was use to selling women a dream, but you actually wanted your dream to come true. You wanted me to show you real love. The only problem was I didn’t know how to love a woman. I only knew how to make her feel special for the moment. When you challenged me to love you, I retreated.

I began doing things that I was familiar with. That was surrounding myself with women who didn’t make me work hard to please them. Regrettably, rather than leave you alone, I still continued to spend time with you while juggling other women on the side. After a year, you finally had sex with me. Ironically, the more I pulled away from the relationship, the more you fell in love. I assumed it was your female intuition that led you to have sex with me so I wouldn’t leave. It was also your female intuition that discovered I was cheating on you with your roommate. She envied our relationship. When you would leave for work in the morning, she would come get into the bed with me naked. After doing it several times, I became weak. I should have told you. I should have loved you enough to resist. Even though I had cheated with other women, having sex with your roommate crossed the line.

I’m not making any excuses. I know that I caused a great deal of pain by my actions. I was thinking with the wrong head. If I had been thinking with the one on my shoulders, I wouldn’t have made that mistake. I would have ended our relationship prior to cheating. It would have broken your heart, but the pain wouldn’t have been so severe.

At the end of the day, I want to thank you. You helped to make me a better person. I’m still a work in progress. However, you made me realize that life doesn’t reward selfish people. While I was physically cheating on you, I was emotionally cheating myself out of love. You are an eternal loss. Love always, Javier.

Issac

Dear Monica,

Hello. How are you? I pray that life is treating you well. I’m writing to put a smile on your face. I want to place a smile on your face that I know at times I turned into a frown. I have missed you since we went our separate ways.

I once heard someone say, If you are not changed by the person you have fallen in love with, then you haven’t loved deep enough. Love will cause you to change and become a new person. Since we met, I have been overwhelmed with change. I had to seek God to know you. In the process, what I also found was myself. I grew spiritually, which was the impetus of my love for you. I found that I could be fun, witty, outgoing, caring, loving, and much more when we were together. You allowed me to shed the tough guy act that had confined me for years. The tough guy on the outside was only a mask of protection for the little boy who hurt on the inside. I’m now finally in acceptance of the what could be and not what I could be missing out on. I owe that to you. It is all because of you and what you have done for my life that has made me a better man. I write this with tears of remorse in my eyes. I’m revealing my feelings to you because I still love you. The funny thing is that now I have no problem expressing myself. In the past, I would have never been this honest. Now, I have accepted vulnerability in my life. I now know loving unconditionally requires me to be vulnerable. This is a feeling that I have denied all my life.

When we were together, I know that I hurt you. The greatest pain that I caused was my unwillingness to commit. I apologize for repeatedly breaking up with you. I didn’t do it because I didn’t love you. I did it because I was afraid. I know that I broke your heart, and each time you still loved me with all the pieces.

You would often ask me before we went to bed at night, Could you see yourself marrying me? And I would reply, Of course, you are the love of my life. I was petrified to even answer you. There was no doubt in my mind that you were a good woman, but I was unsure if you were good for me. I was searching for a woman with the same qualities of my mother, and unfortunately, you fell short of that. You didn’t cook, clean, nor do anything domesticated. You nagged all the time, never let me hang out with the boys, and always listened to your girlfriends. These flaws made me question whether I could see myself marrying you. I overheard your friend Gloria asking you one day if we were going to get married and expressing that if I truly loved you I would have proposed already. Excuse my French but she got on my freakin’ nerves. Women give each other such bad advice.

The minor flaws I complained about in our relationship were trivial in comparison to the major issues possessed by the women I have dated since we broke up. It took me some time to realize that no one is perfect. I was looking for perfection, and what I should have been looking for was someone to love me unconditionally. You provided that. I should have tried to see an imperfect person perfectly.

I received a serious reality check when I saw you with your new boyfriend. The two of you looked very happy together. That made me jealous. It was hard for me to watch the person I love appear happy with someone else.

For years I have reminisced on the love we had. You were on my mind and I felt like writing my thoughts. I hope that you know I will always cherish the time we spent together. As Robert Frost would say, Love is an irresistible desire, and I strongly desire to one-day reclaim the kind of love we once shared. I missed my golden window of opportunity with you. If our paths