The Path to Addiction...: "And Other Troubles We Are Born to Know."

CHAPTER 1

September 11, 2006, was the five-year anniversary of America’s unbelievable nightmare…the attack on our way of life. Like most Americans, it was a reflective day for me as I went about my daily routine of managing my personal existence. I was settling in for the evening when my world was shaken to its very core. By way of a Bcc email, I was made aware of a developing tragedy within my immediate family. My deepest fear was being realized as my stomach churned and my heart ached. My son, Landon, had once again…relapsed.

Life’s external pressures and perceived expectations have always been heavy burdens for Landon. But unlike a significant portion of today’s troubled young adults, he has never blamed circumstances for his situation. Landon has always taken personal responsibility for the road he has traveled.

My greatest fear today is that I will someday suffer the same unbearable pain and anguish that my Mother endured when she buried her daughter, my sister, Regina Kay.

If you read my earlier book, Fridays With Landon, you will now understand why it was left open-ended with the closing observation: But only time will tell…

Landon had been clean/sober for well over two years preceding this latest setback. He hit absolute rock bottom in the spring of 2004, and was subsequently sentenced to eighteen months in prison for drug-related crimes. It wasn’t Landon’s first entry into California’s penal system, but we were all hoping it would be his last. Each time he has managed to keep a positive attitude and utilize the otherwise wasted time by working on self-improvement and understanding of his ever-present demon. He attended, and completed many, many self-help classes and even earned his California Department of Education GED Certificate while incarcerated. I know he did all those things because each and every Certificate of Completion was mailed home for his mother and me to see that he was trying. But more importantly, he registered months before his release date to secure a bed in one of the state-funded Aftercare Houses. Accommodations are limited, but his proactive approach provided the structured transition he needed as he struggled to reenter the real world. While he would have preferred to walk scot-free from Corcoran State Prison on October 24, 2005, he knew it was in his best long-term interest to do the additional 90 days, with its limited freedom. He completed his 90 days of aftercare in a Costa Mesa facility (January 25, 2006) and received his Certificate of Completion for Supportive Recovery Services 90 Day KICS Program.

Landon quickly began reassembling his world and within a relatively short time had positioned himself to live a sober, drug-free life. He was lucky enough to have met a wonderful woman (Julie), with two great kids (Gage and Tyler), and they recently became engaged. Landon was doing very well on his new job and had even been promoted to manager just before the unthinkable.

About a month ago (early August), Julie was out of town on a short vacation with a group of female friends for a few days, leaving Landon and her sons to fend for themselves. A couple of days after she left, I felt a compelling urge to call and inquire about how they were coping on their own. Gage answered the phone and when I asked how things were going, he replied that everything was fine. When I asked to speak with Landon, he informed me that Landon was out running a few errands. It immediately struck me as odd that first, both boys would want to stay in the house…and secondly, that Landon would leave them at home alone. In the past, I would have been more skeptical and should have recognized the red flag. I did briefly experience a fleeting twinge, a sinking feeling…but, because I desperately wanted to believe in Landon, I just sucked it up and told Gage to tell Landon I had called and if they needed anything, I would be at my house. In retrospect, he was probably already under the influence even as I spoke with Gage. And of course, everything came crashing down a month or so later…a tornado had been unleashed amidst our families. I had ignored the early storm warning, I should have known.

At this point I’m watching from a distance (my usual stance) because I know (as a prideful Neal) he is remorseful and embarrassed by what he has done to both families. It is my understanding that Gage was told the truth about Landon’s relapse, but Tyler (the younger brother) was told that Landon’s sickness was the manifestation of hepatitis ‘C’…to shield him from the ugliness of the situation. Protecting Tyler (at this time) was a necessary white lie to stave off the negative impact on a young, impressionable mind. There was no value in sharing the hard facts of life with the youngster and forcing him to deal with awkward and uncomfortable feelings regarding the man he had come to trust and look up to; an unfavorable perception could alter his feelings toward Landon and affect the family’s long-term viability. I believe Landon would prefer to be left alone and unquestioned until he works through his, at home, detoxification. Additionally, his relapse has caused his parole officer to instruct/order him to enter a 90-day recovery program…or return to prison for parole violation. Of course there are other questions and concerns…will he still have a job when he gets clean and sober, and the bigger question, how will the family survive while he does his 90 days?

Friends and relatives ask me, Why did Landon relapse, what caused him to falter? Some even naively ask, Why doesn’t he take corrective actions when he feels the urge? It hurts me when I heard those uneducated…almost condescending remarks. If only it were that easy! There are no simple answers, but I do know that Landon is not a rudderless ship in a darkened sea of unmarked pathways of misdirection. The good Landon navigates with determination and fights the battle everyday…with all of his heart, but I’m sure his relentless opponent, the pseudo Landon is strong, tireless and eventually, over time, takes them both down. The other Landon once traded their $10,000 vehicle, to a drug dealer, for a week’s supply of heroin.

I have (more than once) asked Landon to help me understand what precipitates and/or precedes a relapse. We have talked and tried to evaluate the sinister force that’s always waiting in the shadows, waiting for him to capitulate one more time. What I’ve learned from those discussions with him is that it’s like an intruder residing within him and it’s capable of manipulating the mind/brain. This intangible influence is able to convince the brain that it’s okay to do the heroin (or whatever the drug of choice) one more time without negative consequences. The brain, being the computer of Landon’s body and soul, then passes that information on to the operator…Landon. That influential entity has also directed the brain to secrete specific chemicals to drive the overwhelming desire to go over the edge…no matter what! In hindsight, I have often pondered his physical situation (job, relationships and his meetings) and his psychological frame of mind prior to a fall. I was seeking to possibly identify some common denominators and/or causal triggers, anything that might suggest that problems were looming on the horizon.

I know there’s more to it than what I’m about to write, even the experts don’t have the answers. Drugs have blighted our civilization since the beginning of time and the problem is only getting worse. It appears to me that Landon’s tormentor feels stronger and more likely to exercise his subliminal control when his host becomes lax about attending his meetings. That is probably the first developing fray in Landon’s safety net system…but there’s another disturbing commonality that jumps out at me. His demon seems to prefer to seize control when Landon is left unattended…without support and at his weakest.

I feel that Landon’s relapse back in ‘04, which subsequently led him to prison, was a classic example of his being left unattended. Following his release from an earlier period of imprisonment, Kelly Bowlin (The Kelly Bowlin Band) had taken Landon under his wing and was training him to become the band’s sound-systems manager. Landon traveled with the band; he had his own room, ate well and was paid for his time. When not on the road and the band was playing locally, Landon not only worked the shows at night, but worked days as a loan broker (for Kelly) during the red-hot real estate market of that time. Kelly even allowed Landon to utilize one of his vehicles and could be counted on for an advance (until payday) if Landon was short. Kelly was Landon’s security blanket, the other part of his safety net.

Meanwhile, Kelly’s personal relationship with his girlfriend had been moving forward and they had decided to take the next step and get married. Between the pre-wedding planning, the wedding and the extended honeymoon, Landon was left unattended too long.

His current lapse would appear to have been driven by the same external influences. It is my undocumented belief that he once again…fell into the alluring comfort of the always-beckoning denial zone. When things are going well and life seems to be turning toward the light, he relaxes his guarded posture and begins to think the impossible. I can handle this on my own…I am in control. I believe that even though he accepts the fact that he’ll always be a recovering heroin addict, he is in denial regarding the pitfalls of this life-long dance. As I stated in my first book, the problem with romancing a gorilla is that you don’t stop dancing when you want to; you stop dancing when the gorilla wants to stop dancing.

He had been sober for almost two-and-a-half years, before this latest regression, and was doing well in every aspect of his day-to-day life. Some details of this crash I know, others I speculate on based on historical knowledge. I’m guessing that two-and-a-half years of sobriety (one-and-a-half of those in prison) had given him a false sense of security, and perhaps because of this self-serving delusion, he had been neglecting his meetings. What’s that saying, Timing is everything! About that time, three other contributing components (that I know of) were approaching and would soon come to bear…the crisis was developing, and no one saw it coming, not even Landon. First, his boss took a week of vacation and left Landon in charge of the store…unattended. And then, within a week or so of that, was Julie’s pre-planned vacation/holiday with her friends, again leaving Landon unattended. And coincidentally (or as luck would have it), The Kelly Bowlin Band was in a period of inactivity about that time, on hiatus for a couple of months while their drummer recuperated from back surgery…what were the odds? It appears that his usage had gone undetected for three, four, maybe five weeks before Julie confronted him.

How much of the family’s limited income was diverted to heroin? What about the store’s receipts (peculation) during those unattended days and weeks, were they misused? I don’t know, but the possibility is a real concern.

While this current turn of events might appear fatuous to most, I know that Landon’s life is always teetering on the proverbial slippery slope.

CHAPTER 2

I had dinner with Julie, Gage and Tyler last night (September 22, 2006) in an effort to assure them that they weren’t alone in this unfortunate situation. They (Julie and Gage) were hopeful and upbeat about the way Landon had moved forward with the necessary correction to right his drift and bring his (their) life back on course. After a brutal, at home detox, he had made arrangements for a bed in a recovery house in Costa Mesa, checked in with his parole officer and was even talking about getting back to work by the end of this week. Julie expressed some mild concern regarding the permissive environment at the home. Landon would be allowed to go to work during the week, return and spend the weeknights at the facility and then be granted weekend passes at home with the family. I didn’t express my concerns, which were far more elevated than Julie’s. Once the other Landon has gained control, he isn’t about to relinquish his power without causing widespread pain and suffering, heartaches and tears. Even though this isn’t Julie’s first experience with an addict (Gage’s father is also an addict), I feel she is still too naïve and inexperienced when it comes to the other Landon’s persuasiveness, I’m afraid she is being duped by the other Landon.

During dinner conversation, Julie mentioned that Landon’s cell phone number was out of service while they (she and he) worked with their wireless provider to get the number reloaded to a different phone. Before I could ask the reason for the change of phones, she volunteered that he had lost his phone. What should have been nothing more than a routine conveyance of shit happens…immediately raised red flags…for me! While I did not share my thoughts and grave concerns with her, my mind began analyzing her timely information. I then casually inquired about the timeframe of the phone’s disappearance. I was already wondering if he had traded the phone for a quick fix. Because I had misread the early warning signs in the beginning, I had become much more in tune with the telltale signs of his usage. Her advisory regarding the lost phone and the temporary loss of his phone number prompted me to recall an unsettling phone call I received a few days before this dinner engagement. I had turned my cell phone on (it’s off more often than not) to check for messages when it revealed a missed call. At a glance, I took it to be Landon’s number so I selected it and hit send. A Mexican sounding, male voice answered my call, and when I inquired about the possibility that he had called my home, his English skills quickly deteriorated considerably as he denied calling my phone. The timeframe of that call became even more disturbing as Julie stated the phone had been lost a few days earlier (around the time of my unidentified caller). But there’s more, just a couple of days after our dinner meeting, my home phone rang and the caller ID again identified Landon as the caller. I answered the phone…with some consternation, and briefly heard Landon’s voice (almost hesitantly…as if in the background) say, Hello, just before the caller (or someone) hung up. I then waited a few minutes to give the caller time to reconnect if the disconnect had been unintentional, but no call was forthcoming. After an appropriate delay I used my phone to redial the prior incoming call, but the phone on the other end just rang and rang…until finally, it dauntingly switched to Landon’s voicemail.

If you’re wondering where all this is going…well, so am I, and I’ve been here before. History tells me that once Landon starts down that unforgiving path, the one filled with misdirection, ill-advised decisions and drugs, and driven by the unknown, his destination is predestined. He will follow his demon until his body and mind can go no further. If you want definitive answers, they will not be forthcoming. Any semblance of an answer will be vague and gray today, and chances are that tomorrow’s answers will continue to be unclear and perhaps fading to dark. I fear that Landon is, once again, about to turn something (his new life) into nothing.

There’s a saying that says, Think twice before rolling the dice. Landon doesn’t knowingly roll the dice; it’s never his conscious decision to relapse. Just a few days ago I learned of another, and probably the major, contributing factor to this latest, devastating setback. Landon had a surgical procedure performed to relieve pain and swelling around his tailbone. Part of the surgery entailed the draining of fluid that had accumulated in the area and the process left a sizeable entry point to manage (at home) while the body’s natural healing closed the opening. Initially Landon turned down the doctor’s offer to prescribe pain pills, but the ensuing pain forced him to relent and accept the painkillers. Vicodin (an addictive drug itself) was the prescription the doctor wrote and the stage was now set…Landon’s fate was sealed. After the prescription ran out, one of his friends supplied him with some methadone and the roller coaster left the station. The neurotransmitters were pumping out their feel-good peptides and the other Landon had taken control. The next step was their old friend…heroin.

Landon’s addiction, and relapses have perpetuated a seemingly lifelong whirlpool of heartbreaking emotions for those in his life at any given time. Some have stood by him from the beginning…while others, even though they tried, eventually moved on because the price was too great. The levels of emotion and the degrees of concern and apprehension have always been driven by the affected person’s history with Landon. The longer one has been a passenger on that roller coaster (with its highs and lows), the more that person fears for the worst. Gage is a young passenger and believes that Landon will be fine. Julie has some experience with addicts (but not heroin) and believes that Landon has the desire and willpower to get off at the next station. I, on the other hand, am one of the longtime riders and know that time is running out. It has been a twenty-year nightmare and I have tried hard to believe that, just maybe, this time things will be different. I actually thought that the first book, with his name and face on the cover, had provided the motivation for him to move forward, and leave the past behind. I don’t want to be viewed as a doomsayer, but history and the time remaining do not bode well for my son.

Today (October 2, 2006) I received a sickening phone call informing me that Landon’s situation had escalated from bad to dire. His tipping point probably occurred a few weeks back and he was just able to maintain (through deception) the appearance that he was on the road to recovery. But the sad truth has now reached the surface and is screaming for retribution. As I questioned in the beginning…he did, in fact, embezzle from his employer. His former boss is now demanding $3,500, or he is going to the police. Landon, of course, has no money, and our/his family is not going to bail him out. If we buy his way out of this current crime (and a violation of his parole), we will just be providing him with yet another stepping stone to his next addiction-driven crime. And Julie will (at some point) be forced to jettison him for the survival of her own family unit. As callous as it may sound, the reality is that at this point, prison is the best place for him. If he is allowed to remain on the streets, and that’s where he’ll land, there will be few avenues of escape. His options will be severely limited and his addiction will dictate. At this point, Landon has no control over his life; the other Landon may well determine whether he lives or dies.

The first book’s live date (September 6, 2006) and Landon’s relapse date (conjecture) were running on parallel tracts, side by side…when they collided. I’m sure he was proud of the book and his prominence in the storyline as he anxiously waited for his day in the sun. I’ve been told there were evenings at home when he would read some of the original letters to Julie and the boys. Even as Landon has lost his direction, he has given me new direction. I know that I must continue to follow and document. I cannot standby and allow the world to view Landon as a worthless, thieving, heroin junkie (general perception)…I must tell his side of this endless nightmare.

CHAPTER 3

One of life’s greatest ironies, and the one that most will never be cognizant of…is that it takes a lifetime of learning to discover that we really know so very little about ourselves and even less about those around us. As my understanding of Landon’s battle grows, my acceptance of his titanic struggle brings me to tears more than anyone will ever know. Landon is not a weak man, but his adversary is all-powerful and the conductor of manipulation through mind control, all driven by those feel-good peptides produced right in his head. His willpower should never be in question; the brain, inexplicably, creates an imbalance in the body’s chemical distribution system and then reacts accordingly. In this mode, the body’s natural safeguards will short-circuit and the other Landon will take control as they spin into a malfunction crisis.

I have read that some studies (and there have been many) profile the addict as a person who never learns to come to grips with his world, and therefore seeks stability and reassurance through some repeated, ritualized activity. This activity is reinforced in two ways…first, by a comforting sensation (familiarity and security) of well-being induced by the drug; second, by the atrophy of the addict’s other interests and abilities and the general deterioration of his life situation while he is preoccupied with the addiction. As alternatives grow smaller, the addiction grows larger, until it is all there is. A true addict progresses into a monomania state of mind in regard to his drug of choice, or lack of said drug.

As I read Julie’s latest email update (October 9, 2006), regarding the other Landon’s barrage of manipulative mind games and how she was afraid to sleep at night, because she knew he would try to leave with whatever he could take to get what he needed, I knew he had reached the monomania plateau.

My immediate reply to her email brought forth a phone call from Julie; she was consumed with worry and grief and near hysteria as she unloaded everything about the preceding 36 hours. Landon had left the house Sunday morning saying he was going to turn himself in because that was the only way he could beat the other Landon. It’s now Monday night and she hasn’t been able to get in touch with him since he walked out the door. We talked (I mostly listened) for a while before I finally said to her, Julie, he’s gone and you have to look out for yourself and the boys, and no matter what, don’t let him back in the house or allow him to drive your vehicle. Her reply made me sick to my stomach, she said, He took the SUV when he left Sunday, and his name is on the title with mine now. I just wanted to cry.

She called a few hours later to let me know that she had located him and that we were wrong with all of our negative speculating. She said he had been with sober friends and had experienced an epileptic seizure and had been afraid to leave their house because he felt as though another seizure was possible. He also told her that once he felt stable, the friend was going to drive him and the SUV home. The friend’s wife would follow them to Julie’s place, retrieve her husband and head back to their home. As much as I wanted to believe, I just couldn’t buy into the story. It is now 24 hours later (Tuesday night) and I haven’t heard a word from the war zone. Is no news good news? I’m not counting on it…

Julie’s email to me had been prompted by my request for an update on Landon’s situation. And the driver for my inquiry to her had been another of those disturbing calls from sources unfamiliar to me and with no logical basis. Again it was a Mexican-sounding male asking about the destination of his call: Is this so and so, is this number blah, blah, blah? In both cases, I replied in the negative, even though it was my number he was referencing. I could tell that he was fishing for my name even as he again challenged me on my negative reply to the phone number question. He then matter-of-factly asked, So what is the address of your place? Almost like he was still hoping I would believe he was trying to understand why the phone number was incorrect, and all the while, we both knew the phone number he had dialed was the number he intended to call. At that point, I just said, You don’t need to know my address, as I hung up the phone.

Of course you’re probably wondering, didn’t Landon check into a rehab/sober living facility just a week or so back? Yes he did, and money was paid upfront, but he only lasted five or six days. I do not know if he walked away on his own (a possibility) or if he was asked to leave because he violated house rules (a real possibility).

The mention of heroin addiction always brings forth, Oh my God and/or I’m so very sorry! It dredges up the most horrible, vile, preconceived images imaginable from even the best-intentioned friends and relatives. While depravity is not a spoken word you will hear, chances are that it is an unconscious thought languishing in the recesses of human nature. One friend recently asked, Are there other ways to ingest it…or is it only taken intravenously? Heroin is a dark and sinister drug that is not only difficult to understand, it is a subject that generates feelings of discomfort and therefore limits dialog and education.

First synthesized from morphine in 1874, heroin was not extensively used in medicine until the early 1900s. The Bayer Company first started commercial production of the new pain remedy in 1898. It initially received widespread acceptance from the medical profession, and physicians remained unaware of its addictive potential for years. Heroin is the most prevalent of the semisynthetic opiates and commonly found in a powder form. The more prevalent method of administering is by mainlining (intravenously), skin-popping (subcutaneously), or intramuscularly. With the purer forms becoming more available, snorting or smoking the powder has also become common. Heroin also goes by the names Big H, Smack, Dope, Mojo, Brown (due to the crude processing methods), Mexican Brown, and Mud.

As a direct result of the respiration being repressed, an overdose is an extreme yet common effect of the abuse of opiates. Malnutrition, gastrointestinal problems, disease, and severe infection can also be the expected collateral damage when injecting heroin. In addition to these side effects, the withdrawal symptoms are equally severe.

Chronic narcotic use is associated with physical dependence and a withdrawal or abstinence syndrome when drug use is discontinued. In general, shorter-acting narcotics tend to produce shorter, more intense withdrawal symptoms, while longer-acting narcotics produce a withdrawal syndrome that is protracted but less severe. Although unpleasant, withdrawal from narcotics is rarely life threatening. The withdrawal symptoms associated with heroin addiction are usually experienced shortly before the time of the addict’s next anticipated fix. Early symptoms include watery eyes, runny nose, yawning and sweating. Restlessness, irritability, loss of appetite, nausea, tremors and drug craving appear as the syndrome progresses. Severe depression and vomiting are common. The heart rate and blood pressure are elevated. Chills, alternating with flushing and excessive sweating, are also characteristic symptoms. Pain in the bones and muscles of the back and extremities occurs, as do muscle spasms. At any point during this process, a suitable narcotic (methadone…or more heroin) can be administered to dramatically reverse the withdrawal symptoms. Without intervention, the dope sickness will run its course, and most of the overt physical symptoms will disappear within seven to ten days.

According to a recent study, there are approximately 1.9 million habitual users of analgesics (medication that reduces or eliminates pain). That same study revealed that about 3.7 million Americans have used heroin at some point.

While addiction does exist, and is a large issue in human psychology, an understanding of addiction can bring some enlightenment to the question, Why do we repeatedly return to things (some good…some bad) we have embraced before? Some learned researchers have raised the question of habit, even advocating the theory that addiction should be categorized as a pathological habit. It occurs with human necessities, such as food and love, as well as with things people can do without, such as heroin and nicotine. For me, does that opinion not beg the question, then what drives our habits? It would appear we’re right back to the feel-good peptides that the brain inexplicably pumps out.

For the last week I’ve had my head in the sand again, hoping on hope that Landon was actually working his way through this quagmire. But again, my latest update (from Julie) only revealed that even I could be as naive as those I refer to as the uneducated. I have seen this melodrama played out more times than I care to remember, and always with the same emotional conclusion. They say time heals all wounds, but this healing can never move forward because the scar is always subject to reopening. And neither is there a developing level of tolerance for those of us affected by his regressions…if anything, the pain grows with each failure because we know that his time is running out.

But everyday that I don’t receive an update on Landon’s free-fall is one more day I can rationalize and still cautiously (but not optimistically) believe he may yet turn the corner…before going over the edge.

CHAPTER 4

With encouragement from Landon’s mother and myself, and her own acceptance that without outside intervention Landon would continue his escalating cascade into the unforgiving darkness, Julie contacted his parole officer (October 10, 2006). Given what has been written in the preceding chapters, I was somewhat surprised at the verdict that was handed down. The parole officer recommended he enter a federally funded 90-day recovery program. So why wasn’t his parole revoked? What’s the point of drug testing being a prerequisite for parole if, when they catch you, you can then obtain your drug(s) legally, and what about the alleged misappropriation of cash from his prior employer?

Due to the lack of hard evidence, the allegation of theft was never taken to the police and therefore no parole violation was committed. If no crime has been perpetrated (proven in court), California’s penal system prefers to treat the addict’s illness outside its prison walls. I believe California’s overcrowded prison system is, in part, the driver for Landon’s relapse not landing him back in prison. But it’s also my understanding that our culture is beginning to view addiction in a different light. Locking the addict up (over and over again) is doing nothing to alleviate the long-term problems for society, and certainly not for the individual. There is an emerging acceptance, based on long-term studies and disheartening statistics, that some addicts will never be capable of completely conquering their demon. They are able to subdue the cravings for periods of time, but when that urge surfaces (and it will) and is then exacerbated by intersecting with negative, external influences (pressure, stress, missed meetings and, as in Landon case…being left unattended), they are prone to meandering into no man’s land where they lose their way and become stranded. For these people, it is becoming painfully apparent that their survival may well hinge on a lifelong maintenance program of methadone. That scenario would dictate a daily, low-level, stabilizing dose of methadone.

Because we’re not ready to subscribe to that extreme solution (with its admission of surrender), Landon has opted for a 60-day methadone program. Our family will be picking up the cost ($70.00 per week) of this program. In this current treatment program, he must commute to the Recovery Solutions of Santa Ana facility on a daily basis, where he is administered maintenance doses of methadone. At the conclusion of his 60-day transition treatment, he will then have the additional option to enter the above-referenced, federally funded, 90-day in-house recovery program. The other Landon will probably be appeased during these 60 days, but I have my doubts regarding his willingness later to enter the more structured and confining recovery home.

I still ask myself how Landon could have sunk so deeply into this life-threatening black hole. But I remember an old Arkansas folktale that states, If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out, but if you put him in a pot of cool water and heat it up gradually, he’ll sit there until he’s cooked. The moral is that when conditions deteriorate incrementally, we don’t notice how bad things have gotten until it’s too late.

I do know that Landon was/is devastated by his failure to maintain the stabilization that Julie and her boys had provided while he worked his way back into a normal lifestyle. Julie told me that during Landon’s closed door meeting with his parole officer, she could hear his plaintive voice pleading to have his parole invalidated. Due to his emotional rationale for requesting a return to prison, the door proved to be inadequate as a sound barrier. It provided little to no privacy as Landon’s elevated declaration of concern for Julie, Gage and Tyler penetrated the waiting area: Being locked up again is the only way out for me now; I don’t want to keep hurting those who love me. He was adamant in his belief that Julie and the boys would be better off with him in prison. While he didn’t say it, I have no doubt that he feared for their well-being with the other Landon so close…and still strong.

It has been stated (by prominent people…who should know) that drug use permanently alters the biochemical makeup of the brain. The effects will vary from individual to individual, but all will experience some change. For most, the repercussions will be inconsequential with no real course deviations in their life. Those landing on the middle ground will probably deal with the manageable ramifications throughout their lives; but at the far end of the spectrum, the aftermath will severely test the others. For me, this information provides some clarity to the notion that the brain inexplicably pumps out those feel-good peptides.

Landon is no stranger to the rain, nor is he oblivious to the perils of the gathering clouds…even as they grow darker. So why doesn’t he seek shelter from the advancing storm?

In an effort to explain why or how Landon allows himself to wander back down that dead-end road time and time again, I’ve come up with three analogies. My theories are not based on scholarly conjecture or scientific studies, but rather on common-sense thoughts and observations…just my personal opinion.

The first one that comes to mind is the stories we’ve all heard regarding near-death experiences. People are very near to being declared clinically dead when they somehow pull themselves back from the brink, and live to tell of a spiritual awakening…an exhilarating feeling of peace and contentment. They also describe a brilliant light, which, like a lighthouse, guides the departing souls to the other side as it illuminates the way. And even though their subconscious minds somehow knew that by advancing headlong into the radiant of the light, those individuals would pass from the living and into the unknown, they all said they had wanted to continue toward the light. The euphoric feelings of peace and tranquility were just more compelling than the fear of death.

Another comparable situation I have encountered has to do with people afflicted with Type II diabetes. During my years of employment at Shell’s Huntington Beach location, there was a female in the clerical department who struggled with her diabetes. Over the years when I would see a commotion in or around her office area, I would know (without inquiring) that Kim had allowed her blood glucose level to drop too low, and that she had descended into hypoglycemia. Our company always encouraged her to take time out of her day for testing and even kept a supply of the appropriate hard and soft candies, fruit and fruit drinks on hand. All that and her own supply of glucose tablets, so how could she sink into hypoglycemia (with its seizures and incoherence) several times a year?

Because of my concern for her health and the awkward situation her seizures and the involuntary, but sometimes suggestive gyrations created, I, as a friend and co-worker asked about her inability to see and forestall her low-glucose circuses, and the ensuing embarrassment. Her answer was…yes; I do get an inkling (feel weak, confused, irritable, hungry, tired and even a little shaky) that perhaps I need to make an adjustment in my glucose. But along with the red flag comes an exhilarating feeling of excessive well-being and happiness (although those feelings would later prove to be groundless) that completely resolved all the body’s physical discomforts. And due to the utopian nature of