Parenting with Love: Discussions on How to Create a Legacy of Love for Your Children

Parenting With Love

Discussions on How to Create

A Legacy Of Love For Your Children

Florence Bienenfeld, Ph.D., M.F.T.

Award-winning author of

My Mom & Dad Are Getting A Divorce

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© 2014 Florence Bienenfeld. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/23/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-5435-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-5434-1 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014900909

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Contents

About the Book

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgments

Part I:   The Only Thing That Changes is Everything

A New and Different Life

Putting Parenting into Perspective

The Tug That Lasts Forever

Learning from My Own Upbringing

What to Know and What to Avoid

Part II:   The new trend

Glimpses into the lives of Seventeen Working Mothers

Part III:   From Mother to Mother and Father

An Important shift

Involved Fathers Juggle Too

Part IV:   Amazing Interviews on Managing Kids and Careers

Mother/Pediatrician

Mother/Political and Community Activist

Mother/Youth Director

Single Mother/Management Consultant

Juggling the Roles of Wife, Mother, Stepmother, and Career Woman

The Case of a Mother on Overload

Creative Solutions for Working at Home

Part V:   Overcoming Challenges

The Challenge of Twins

Surviving and Overcoming a Child’s Serious Drug Addiction

Mothers Who Say, I Won’t Leave My Children

How Patience and Perseverance Saved a Troubled Child

Part VI:   Looking Back

Reflections of a Mother/professional Baby Nurse

A Widow Chose Her Priorities

Even with Migraines, It Was Worth It

A Mother of Five Looks Back

Thirty-One Years Later

About the Author

About the Book

By working as a therapist, with families for over thirty-five years, Florence Bienenfeld PhD, MFT has put together the definitive guide for raising children to become loving and empowered adults. Using anecdotal case studies and contextual principles, Parenting with Love will teach you as parents:

*    How to create trust between you and your children

*    How to address each child as special and unique

*    Strategies that work to create harmony and security with your child

*    How to juggle your parenting with your life

*    How to let go of family patterns that don’t work

*    How to create the strongest love bond possible

Parenting with Love is dedicated to parents and their children. Without a doubt, parents are the greatest givers, the bravest heroes and heroines, and the greatest jugglers on Earth, and their children are the neediest humans on the planet, every day in every way.

Foreword

PARENTING WITH LOVE

In days gone by, women had an opportunity to gather together when taking a break from the demands of their day to share with other wives and mothers in an informal fashion—that was the coffee klatch. It served a very important function of providing an informal, quasi-therapeutic support group, as it allowed these women, who often felt overwhelmed with the responsibilities of homemaking and parenting, a chance to share their fears, concerns, and successes. Younger women could feel better about the normalcy of their apprehensions and pick up a tip or two on how to handle child rearing issues and husband concerns.

That vehicle has pretty much disappeared, but the concerns have not. In fact, they have multiplied as the complexities of societal pressures have increased and as the women themselves as mothers and wives have had to add yet more to their responsibilities in entering the workforce and pursuing their own professional fulfillment.

In sharing her own experiences and in gathering those of many other women in varied roles, Dr. Bienenfeld has helped to bring back the idea of that ability for women to gather around the (figurative) kitchen table and unburden themselves of their concerns free of judgment and share their successes. She does this with examples culled from her numerous interviews but also blends in experiences from her own life’s trajectory. It is a pleasant, touching, warm, and lovely read that does not ignore the important lessons one can incorporate into one’s own life—just like being at that proverbial healing kitchen table.

Sheldon H. Kardener, MD

Sheldon Kardener, MD, psychiatrist, clinical professor of psychiatry and bio-behavioral sciences at University of California at Los Angeles and in private practice in Santa Monica, California, and coauthor of Breaking Free: How Chains from Childhood Keep Us from What We Want, by Sheldon H. Kardener, MD, and Monika Olofsson, MFT; Morgan James, Publisher, New York, 2009.

Preface

I have written Parenting with Love in a simple and popular style. My main purpose in writing this book is to inspire parents—to give them a broader perspective; to inform, enlighten, and expose them to a wide range of alternative views to consider; and to give them comfort.

As a marriage and family therapist for over forty years, I have counseled thousands of children and entire families. I have worked with parents to face and resolve a variety of problems and issues regarding raising their children. Among those I counseled were married couples, single parents, and divorcing couples.

It is not my place, or purpose, to judge these parents. Each parent is raising his or her children the best way he or she knows how and is the best he or she knows how to be. These parents had stories.

I have included interviews with some of them, all of which are authentic, using fictitious names to protect confidentiality. Each interview deals with various aspects of parenting and clearly brings out how parents deal with their situations and problems and also how they manage with their children. The stories are healing and inspiring. I wholeheartedly encourage you to read them all and learn from them.

I was very touched and impressed at how brave, strong, loving, and resourceful these parents were. Some have spouses, and some are divorced or raising children alone.

Each different situation presents unique and diverse issues those parents—whether together, divorced, or going it alone—must tackle. As a result, crisis may allow for growth.

I write to inspire mothers and fathers to realize how important and heroic they really are, to give them a perspective in terms of the present and future of their own lives and their children’s lives, and to expose them to a wide range of alternatives to view and consider. Many parents feel very alone with their children and are actually isolated from other people because of their tremendous responsibilities.

I wish to offer all parents the loving support and acknowledgment they so richly deserve, because without a doubt, parents are the most important people in their children’s lives. Parents play the greatest role on earth; they shape not only their children’s future, but also the future for us all. This goes for both parents actively participating in their children’s lives.

You mothers and fathers are challenged daily; every day, you must face your children’s little problems that are as big as the world. Without realizing it, you are the unsung heroines and heroes, the greatest givers, the true VIPs, and the greatest jugglers on Earth.

Parenting with Love will assist you in creating a legacy of love for your children—and for generations to come by offering you insight, information, loving support, and inspiration to help you as parents through this enormous, difficult, and marvelous task of raising your children.

I thank and acknowledge all of you from the bottom of my heart for the important work you are doing. I hope you appreciate how important you are. I certainly do.

Warmest regards,

Florence

Acknowledgments

I wish to acknowledge the following for their help, support, and love: my wonderful family; my husband, Mickey, of over sixty years; my three children and their spouses; and my six grandchildren. They are all the best!

Next, I wish to acknowledge the following for helping me make my book a reality: Terrie Barna of ASAP Word Processing & Editorial Service. She expertly did all of the word processing for this and my other books.

Next, I wish to acknowledge Janet Rosen, a literary agent with Sharee Bykovsky and Associates in New York City, who also found a publisher for my last book. I thank her for all her help and support.

Special thank you to Anne Stifter Bienenfeld, my daughter in law, for co-editing this book.

Last but not least, I wish to thank my friend Dr. Sheldon Kardener, psychiatrist and coauthor of Breaking Free: How Chains from Childhood Keep Us from What We Want, with Monika Olafsson. Dr. Sheldon Kardener wrote the foreword for this book.

PART I

The Only Thing That Changes is Everything

A New and Different Life

One day while on vacation I met a lovely young couple. They were walking on the quiet beach near my hotel. Her stomach pooched out slightly under her white wraparound skirt. We chatted about the quiet beauty of Maui, and I asked her if she had any children. She said, Yes, a one and a half-year-old daughter. This was their first vacation since their child was born. She and her husband, who live in Washington, DC, had left their baby with her parents in New York City.

I told the couple I was writing a book about parenting and that I have been informally talking with parents I meet to find out how they manage with their children, how they feel, what they think about and worry about, whether they stay home or work or have any help, and whether they find any time for themselves. I asked if I could ask them a few questions. They said, Sure.

So I asked, How do you manage with your baby?

She replied, It’s hard. When I gave up my work to have my baby, I thought I’d have time to do a lot of things I’d been wanting to do; but with the baby, I just can’t.

I asked if they were getting any help from their family, and her response was, My husband helps me a little, but he’s never home. He works very hard, and both his and my family live in New York City.

She repeated again, with a little sigh, It’s hard, and I’m expecting another baby.

I wondered if she was enjoying her baby, so I asked her. She smiled a little and said, Yes, and I am missing her so much.

She said that she had nursed her baby for one year. She told me that she wanted to stay home with her baby and added with great feeling, I don’t know how working mothers manage.

She was obviously very involved with her baby, and I sensed that she was also slightly depressed. My mind flashed back to just after my first child was born, and I recalled how I felt those first few months. I was more than just slightly depressed. That tiny, beautiful creature in her crib was entirely dependent on me, and I had never taken care of a baby before. I felt frightened, and an ominous thought gripped me—I will never be free again. My life will never be the same. I was right. It never was. I was a mother now and made a total commitment to my children.

My thoughts returned to the sensitive lady beside me on the beach. I told her how hard it is for young mothers to even imagine that there will ever be an end to the bottles and diapers. I described how busy my days were when my three children were very small, all hanging around my legs, all wanting something at once. There were days that I hardly could find time to go to the bathroom. I rarely left my children, and I was always dragging and tired; but no sooner than my youngest was in nursery school two mornings a week, I started taking graduate classes at the university on those mornings and, gradually over the next few years, I took a few more classes in the evening.

By the time all my children were in school, I went back to the university full time and got my master’s degree. I began working part time as an educational therapist and family counselor out of my home. I was always there when the kids came home from school. By the time they were all in high school, I took a full-time position with the Conciliation Court of Los Angeles County as a senior family mediator and counselor.

Now my children are all married, and they are all great and sensitive human beings. I feel a sense of deep satisfaction. My life is totally my own again. My husband and I are free to come and go as we please. I have had the time to write five other books. This one is my sixth.

I told this young mother beside me that I have no regrets for devoting those few years of my life to be with my kids when they were small. I let her know that I consider raising my children the most important job I have ever done or that any person can do.

The young mother replied, I am so happy to hear you say that.

The next day, I met this couple on the beach again. I had the chance to talk with the husband. He told me that he doesn’t get to see his baby much. I see her for two hours every night, maybe five minutes every morning and on weekends. I have fun with her. She loves to be chased. She runs behind the drapes or gets under the table. I roughhouse with her. I’m making her into a tomboy.

I asked him if he was hoping for a boy this time. He answered, It doesn’t matter. He mentioned that he got to stay at home with his daughter for three months when she was three months old. He had just completed graduate school but hadn’t found a job yet. He said he liked being home. I got to be an equal parent. Now I don’t feel equal anymore, but I’m glad my wife can stay home and be a full-time mother.

My mind flashed back to my own dear husband, Mickey, as a young father. Until recently, ever since we were married, he has always worked very long hours. He used to say jokingly, I only work half a day, from six to six. In those days, we had a traditional marriage. He was the breadwinner, and I kept house, cooked, and took care of our children. I didn’t expect or ask for much help from him. When he and I were together, the children always hung mostly around me.

I was so involved and occupied with the children that I believe at times, not unlike many young fathers, he felt left out. It was the kids and me, and then there was him. The antidote to this, of course, is for fathers to be more involved with their kids, more like moms are. If I had it to do over again, I would have involved him much more, but in those days, who knew about such things?

I am extremely grateful to my husband for enabling me to stay home and care for our children when they were small. Not many mothers get to stay home these days. Now most women have to work, and a great many mothers raise their children alone and are the sole breadwinners in their families. Other women voluntarily choose to return to work shortly after their children are born in order to continue their professions and careers and for a variety of other reasons.

Even when both parents are involved, parenthood is still the greatest juggling act on Earth. How do parents do it? What do they believe, think, and feel about parenthood? Are they enjoying their children and finding satisfaction for themselves? How do involved fathers juggle all of their roles? How do parents with grown-up children feel looking back? These were some of the questions to which I sought answers. I asked the people who knew best—the parents themselves.

Before this couple I met on the beach left the hotel for Washington, DC, and back home again to their baby, we shook hands warmly, and I said, Enjoy your baby! They both thanked me and wished me a good vacation and good luck with my book.

Putting Parenting into Perspective

Raising children is a dilemma. No written music on how to do it exists. Mothers and fathers have to play each tune by ear and by trial and error because each parent, each child, and each situation is unique. Each parent has the difficult task of managing the unmanageable, yet they do it. Raising children takes courage, enormous strength, patience, and a lot of love. It is love that makes it all possible.

Even under the best of circumstances, raising children is not easy. I had a very ideal situation and still found being a new mother scary and difficult. I had a loving husband. We both wanted and could afford a child. I could stay home with my baby. I had a normal, healthy baby, and I was healthy. What more could anyone ask for? I was a college graduate and elementary school teacher, but I was totally unprepared to be a mother. I didn’t know the first thing about it.

I loved my baby. I held her and tried to nurse her, but being nervous, uptight, and somewhat depressed, as I didn’t have enough milk to nurse her very often. I enjoyed my next two babies so much more. By then, I was a well-seasoned, more secure mom. I knew how to take care of babies, and I was no longer afraid.

We planned our three children very close together. By the time our last child was born, our oldest was only three and a half. Mickey jokingly told people, After three kids in three and a half years, my wife bought me a guitar.

I was busy from early morning to late at night. I remember how good my bed felt. It has never felt more comforting than it did then, because I was so exhausted by the time I got to bed.

Being awakened during the night was one of the hardest parts for me. When the kids were small, between all three kids, I was awakened each night for approximately five years. If one wasn’t up, the other was. I napped when they did. It was such a treat to finally be able to sleep through the night again.

During those days, I was happy just being able to take care of my children. Strangely enough, I expected nothing for myself. It was as though I had put my own needs aside. I remember having the patience of a saint. Looking back, I don’t understand how I did it. I certainly am not that way now. Now I need some time to myself and time to rest and relax. I love it when our grandchildren come over, and I love it when they leave. I’m glad I had my children when I was young.

Raising kids is a full-time job, and most parents are on overload, especially divorced and single parents and parents who are both working full time when their children are young.

Barbara, a thirty-four-year-old, divorced mother with two children, three and five, is a perfect example. Barbara works two jobs to make ends meet financially. She is a full-time night auditor for a resort hotel and works three hours daily cleaning house for a woman. She told me, It’s hard. I get exhausted. I have a boyfriend and no time for myself. I just wish I could rest more and maybe read a little. Barbara gets a few days to herself occasionally when her children spend a weekend with their father.

After Barbara told me her weekly schedule, she added, My son is very active. He always wants me to take him to the beach, but I’m too exhausted. Sometimes I get so frustrated, I tell the kids, If I don’t get some sleep, I’ll be a bear. They understand and are pretty good. I get about six hours of sleep a day, and I’m always tired, but it won’t always be like this.

Like so many parents, Barbara looks forward to the time when life will be easier, when there will be fewer pressures and responsibilities and when there will be some time to relax and rest. This time does eventually come, but it takes a very long time. Like someone told me jokingly, Having the first is easy. The only thing that changes is everything.

The Tug That Lasts Forever

After my first child was born, I didn’t leave her for the first six weeks. I felt stuck to her like glue. Then I received an invitation to a bridal shower. At first I decided not to go because I did not want to leave my baby; but Mickey offered to watch her, so I went. I remember feeling very anxious and guilty about leaving her. I called Mickey when I arrived at the luncheon and several times while I was there. I didn’t really enjoy myself, and I could not wait to get back home.

It is not uncommon for parents of babies and very young