The Bible of Family Life for the Newlyweds: Recommendations, Major Mistakes and Ways to Solve Them

Introduction

Contrary to what you probably know about marriage, the first year of marriage is the most difficult year in several ways! Of course there’s the honeymoon phase, the love overdose and never-ending sex but that doesn’t last as long as you might think. The real deal comes by in a few months and newlyweds often have trouble managing.

For some odd reason, marriage brings with it all sorts of impractical, idealistic and unrealistic expectations and stresses you weren’t guessing.  The problem is, newlyweds have never been married before so they don’t really know what marriage is like. They’re like freshmen students trying to get what’s going on and it’s kind of like finding your way around the new campus. However, eventually the new building doesn’t feel like a maze anymore and you can find your way around the place as if that’s where you’ve always been. So apply that to marriage. With time, you understand how to deal with it and it doesn’t feel like too much work. But, it has to be emphasized that marriage in the start is too much work. You have to work to get to where you don’t have to work. You have to put in that extra effort in the start for a better and more stable future.

No one ever really tells newlywed couples the struggle it takes to establish a peaceful relationship. The first thing that happens for you is that your bubble of fantasy and fairytale bursts and pops in your face. Oops! Didn’t think of that before did you? Well, it’s true. But you understand that soon enough. It doesn’t take too much to comprehend that this is the real life and you’re not casting in a fairytale. So marriage takes some getting used to.

To establish a strong, successful marital relationship you have to get past many challenges that keep coming your way. The first of year marriage is particularly complicated to deal with for a variety of reasons. It’s just that you can no longer overlook things you managed to overlook before. Everything matters and everything makes a difference. However, fortunately these challenges that come your way are not signs for divorce. They’re opportunities for you to grow stronger. So think of them that way. Once you learn how to accept the challenges and solve them, you’ll be a winner all your life.

Things you must always do

Some elements define a real relationship. They give meaning to your bond and ensure it retains its beauty all its life. These are simple things that inculcate harmony, peace and love and before anything else, you need to make them a permanent part of your marriage. Their significance is beyond the significance of anything else. If you practice these religiously, you’re bound to stick together!

Respect

People fall in love, people get married, and then they stay in love but the marriages don’t work out. Have you ever wondered why? I mean, if you’re in love with this person and that’s why you married them, then why would you want to leave them? The answer is quite simple. It’s a common misconception that all it takes to know who the one is, and who you want to spend the rest of your life is love. Well, that’s not true. It has been seen that several arranged marriages actually work out better than love marriages. This is because love is not all a successful marriage needs. A successful marriage needs nothing more than mutual respect.

Being ‘in love’ with someone means being emotionally attached and dependent, and not being able to imagine a life without your beloved. But when you get married, a lot of things matter way more than how much you love each other. More than anything, you need your spouse to respect you, your space, your family, your values, your rules, your decisions and most of all your ideas and morals. You can very well be in love with someone who doesn’t appreciate your family, or imposes his/her morals on you. But how’s that supposed to work out? It doesn’t.

So, as a newlywed, just remember that it takes patience and openness of mind to respect each other’s values, families, and backgrounds. You’ve both grown up differently, in different places and you cannot expect your husband or wife to have the same thinking as yours. So accept it wholeheartedly, talk about it, and reach a middle ground.  Of course you can’t live under one roof and be completely different. What I mean is, don’t disrespect and don’t impose.

Don’t bash out on each other for separate views. Understand them, and talk about them. In fact, use the differences to learn from each other and gain a new perspective. Figure out a way to deal with the differences. It takes a big heart but that’s what being married is about.

Appreciate

Sometimes, married couples tend to overlook things that their partners might have done just for them. This is very common and most people don’t realize that this is what they’ve done to hurt their spouse. There are many instances in which your spouse will give up what they wanted to do just for you for example watch what you wanted on TV instead of what they felt like, or miss an event that was important to them just to spend time with you. Most people will do it out of love and do it selflessly without the expectation of reciprocation and won’t consider it a favor. But everyone looks for appreciation. So always remember to appreciate the smallest of things your partner does for you. It works like positive reinforcement and provides a good ego boost as well. It’s important for your partner to see that you’re pleased with what he/she has done for you. Otherwise, your partner may end up feeling like you’re ungrateful.

This is vital to your relationship because it’s easy to point out the bad things and tell your partner to work on them but it’s not easy to remind what you love about them. But if you won’t balance that out by noticing all the great things your partner does for you, then you may end up building a lot of frustration inside them. They’ll think everything they do for you is unrecognized and the only things you ever notice are the mistakes. It’s utterly discouraging and hurtful for your partner. And it might even horribly damage their self-esteem, because this may make them feel like they’re not good enough for you and have only disappointed you.

So never forget to appreciate all efforts, no matter how big or small. I mean tell your husband how much you appreciated his friendly approach towards your friends and that he met them respectfully. Trust me, it’ll make him feel greater than you can ever think.

Accept your mistakes

We’re only human and we’re all capable of making mistakes. What differentiates a good spouse from a bad one is the acceptance of this fact. If you’re wrong and you realize it then accept it. Don’t let your ego come in the way of your marriage because that’s selfish and immature on your end. Everyone makes mistakes so don’t be ashamed when you do. Remember that your ego is not even half as important as your relationship and that it’s always better to let it go. Accept what you’ve done wrong and then have the courage to admit it. Apologize sincerely and don’t repeat your mistake. Try to make your spouse understand that you know you’ve done them wrong. If you’re not going to come out clean and admit your wrongdoings, you’re going to make the matter worse.

Accepting your mistakes not only helps solve matters of significance but also makes your partner realize that you have a big heart. If you accept your shortcomings and your bad habits, they’ll accept theirs too. It’s mutual; if you develop an ego, they’ll develop one too. So it’s better to avoid that rut. If none of you will work on fixing your mistakes then there will be no moving on. You’ll get stuck in a sticky situation.

Forgive

As mentioned earlier, we’re all humans, we all make mistakes and we all have our flaws. Learn to let the mistakes go. Have it in your heart to forgive your partner for his/her mistakes and shortcomings. It takes courage to do that but it’s supposed to be mutual. If you make mistakes, you should apologize and expect forgiveness in return. Forgiveness is a virtue.

When you forgive it doesn’t only release all the negative energy but also removes any resentment between the couple. Realize that your partner can mess up just like you can sometimes, and every one (especially someone you love so much) deserves another chance to prove themselves. Don’t make a big deal out of little faults.  Forgiveness brings peace not only to your relationship and but also to your mind. It washes away any scratches, and white washes your slate. You can start over and rebuild on a new level. Forgiveness is only a step forward.

Build a Strong Foundation

Most marriages fall apart not because things start going horribly out of control or because ‘it just wasn’t working out anymore’ but because the foundation of the relationship was weak in the first place. It’s important to develop an understanding on emotions, and then build up a relationship on it. An expression of emotions forms the basis of a strong relationship. Talk to each other, talk about your past, talk about your family, talk about your childhood and how different things make you feel. It helps your husband/wife to know you better, and see your perspective. This reduces the chances of misunderstandings in future. It works like damage control. This way, you both know where the other person comes from and you can understand what pleases them and what incurs their displeasure.

It’s essential to talk about your feelings: what makes you happy, sad, and angry? What disappoints you? What are your expectations and what are your inhibitions? These things help you help each other in times of distress, and under stressful circumstances. You don’t always have to worry about what your partner might be thinking, because you already have an established sense of what they think and feel about relevant things. You can help each other get out of troubling situations and judge all their thoughts in future because you know what makes them happy and what makes them sad. You automatically know what you need to avoid and what you need to ensure so they are not hurt.

Marriage is about accepting the likes and dislikes of your partner and living in a way that coincides with their lifestyle. You can’t completely change yours but in a marriage, a good husband or wife would modify their habits and their lifestyles to an extent for the happiness of their spouse.

Speak up

A common misconception is that when something about your husband or wife bothers you, you should ignore it and live with it. Well, let me tell you, that the worst thing you can do to ruin a beautiful relationship is to stay quiet. Don’t do that. I’m not asking you to make mountains out of molehills and argue/fight over anything you don’t agree on. I’m just asking you to be forward about your thoughts. You can do it nicely.

The first thing to remember is not to over react when something hurts or bothers you. Take a deep breath and don’t lash out. Wait for a good time. Ask him/her that you need to talk about something and then bring it up. Tell them whatever it is that hurts you, or bothers you and you’d appreciate if they do something about it. Never let things stay inside your mind. Letting out is essential. Sucking it up, and suffering is not going to help either of you. Your mind will keep turning it into a bigger and bigger problem. You will start acting passive aggressively and it will create resentment. Not talking about an issue will not bring an end to it. It will remain unsolved inside your head, and you will never really move past it.

Eventually, it will get under your skin and you will lash out horribly because your mind will have turned it into a bigger problem than it actually was. Only if you had spoken about it in the first place, it would have long been settled and the