Out from under the Table: Finding God's Presence in the Midst of Loss

OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE

Copyright © 2019 by Linda Seabrook

Back cover author photo by Paul Theriault

All rights reserved. Neither this publication nor any part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Unless otherwise indicated, scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NIV) are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations taken from the New American Standard Bible® (NASB), Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org Scripture quotations marked (TLB) are taken from The Living Bible copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Print ISBN: 978-1-4866-1732-6

ebook ISBN: 978-1-4866-1733-3

Word Alive Press

119 De Baets Street Winnipeg, MB R2J 3R9

www.wordalivepress.ca

Cataloguing in Publication information can be obtained from Library and Archives Canada.

To Ariel and Hannah

You are God’s grace and mercy poured out on my life.

I don’t deserve the gift of being your mother,

but every day I thank God that He chose me.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Chapter One: Brokenness

Our Suffering

Chapter Two: The Unravelling

Strength and Courage

Chapter Three: The Problem With Feelings

Grace and Mercy

Chapter Four: Shelf-Sitting

Purpose

Chapter Five: The Greatest Of All

Love

Chapter Six: Desolate Places

Abiding

Chapter Seven: Laundry Detergent And T-Shirts

Comfort

Chapter Eight: Our Stories

Unending Hope

Acknowledgements

This book has been a process, somewhat written in secret but never without others standing by me and prodding me on, whether they knew it or not.

To Redemption Bible Chapel’s Pastors and Leaders, thank you for making me increasingly hungry for the Word of God, for growing my faith in leaps and bounds, and for giving me the opportunity to lead others in the same.

To Redemption Bible Chapel’s Women’s Ministry, thank you for allowing me the privilege to be a part of your countless stories of incredulous courage and strength through the power of Christ. And thank you for inspiring me to live the same in my own journey of faith.

To the Stoney Creek Seniors, thank you for caring for me and my daughters when we were at our lowest. Some of you are no longer with us, but you will always be in our hearts.

To Sandra Hill, thank you for being the one who always showed up. And keeps showing up.

To George, Deidre, Dylan, Elisha, Tim, Eric, Ava, Gavin, and little Levi, thank you for growing my family in leaps and bounds. The writer of Proverbs was right: blessed is the man (or woman) who finds his quiver full!

To Mom and Dad, thank you for loving me through the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To Guy, thank you for supporting me, keeping me grounded, and reminding me of this often: it’s not about what has been done to us, but what has been done for us.

To my Creator, my Father, my Saviour, my Sustainer, and my Solid Rock, you have taught me that one day in your courts is better than a thousand years of doing it on my own.

Ev’n should I fall o’er the broken bridge passing,

Or stray in the marshes, by false light beguiled,

Still will my Father, with promise and blessing,

Take to his bosom the poor orphan child.¹

—Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte

My soul is like a house, small for you to enter, but I pray you to enlarge it. It is in ruins, but I ask you to remake it.²

—Confessions, by Augustine

O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night, even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. (Psalm 121:1–8)

Chapter One

Brokenness

Our Suffering

Maybe a broken dream is a pathway that God uses to turn us into someone we could never have become without Him.³

—Sheridan Voysey

You will seek me and find me,

when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:13)

Most of our days seem to blend into the other, leading us along miles of road that make up the journey of our lives. Some days bring bumps and potholes. Others are major detours. We plan and hope and pray that the majority of our days will be smooth sailing, like the Sunday afternoon drives we took with our parents as kids. We bask in the sun shining down over the countryside. We cling to the promise of ice cream from the corner store before heading home.

But amidst my plans, hopes, and even prayers, I had one of those days that altered the course of my journey forever. And when all was said and done, I lost my marriage to divorce.

I didn’t plan for my life to turn out this way. In fact, when I was a child, I was always dreaming up other imaginary lives in my head and thinking about exactly how I wanted mine to be. I can recall that it always included a long, complicated romance for some reason. I never did like to do anything the easy way. But never once did it include divorce, single parenting, and remarriage. Those were words for other people.

Growing up in a big white Baptist church, a place that moulded much of my young faith, I have to admit that I rarely encountered someone who was divorced. I usually only heard about it in relation to Christian celebrities who had somehow fallen off the wagon. In my little world, it was a word almost never spoken.

As I grew older, it showed up more often, but not enough to ever once think it could happen to me. How could it? I loved Jesus.

But now here it was, right on my front porch. And it didn’t just stand there politely and ring the bell. It broke down the door, invaded my home, and wreaked havoc in every nook and cranny. Amidst all those who tried to come to my rescue and surround my little family with support and care, the reality is that I often felt overwhelmed and very alone in my pain.

Truth be told, at the end of the day I was alone. There was no one on this earth who could really make this better for me. They could help with temporary fixes on the outside, but not a person on earth could repair the brokenness in the depths of my heart. There were so many unanswered questions, so many uncertainties about the future, so many thoughts and feelings invading my mind and heart that I sometimes didn’t even know who I was.

And it seemed as though the more I began to pen these words over the years that followed, the more I felt drawn in one way or another to just one more story about suffering. We all know what it means to struggle.

The reality is this: life is often just plain hard. Unfaithful spouses. Wayward children. Family dysfunction. Single parenting. Aging parents. Widowhood. Addiction. Cancer. Depression. Infertility. Chronic pain. Abuse. Crime. Ongoing grief. Death. You name it. The list is endless.

Although the experiences are as unique as our individual lives, the battles are so much the same. We find ourselves succumbing to a realm of dreary possibilities: doubt, worry, anxiety, insecurity, fear, discouragement, anger, panic, hopelessness, depression, and defeat. Much of the time, it feels as if we’re the only ones who have ever been in this very place. Even if we are surrounded by others, in the middle of the chaos, we often feel isolated. Misplaced. Lost. Alone. It’s as if we’re standing on the outside looking in.

Suffering has a way of ostracizing us, whether it’s intentional or not. While we try to just take another breath, the rest of the world seems to be enjoying a day at the beach or a picnic at the park. Our instant connection to the rest of the world through social media certainly doesn’t help. And in the midst of it all, it’s easy to start believing the lie that God has forgotten us in this big universe of His. When I neglect to look upwards, the view gets fuzzy and it becomes quite natural to start to feel lost and alone.

Although my personal story is about my journey through divorce, this is not a book about surviving marital breakdown. I’m no counsellor or expert, nor will I ever be. The thing with divorce, and many other difficulties we may encounter, is that it doesn’t necessarily make for a sensational story. It just chips away at us, day after day, and it’s only remarkable when we look back and see who we have become through the process.

Each life experience is unique and comes with its own complications, yet each follower of Jesus has the exact same decision to make when the rubber hits the road. Will I live with my burden, fully alive in Christ, or will I die hopelessly in my pain? I say this metaphorically, of course, but many Christ followers who physically died have taken their last breaths with more aliveness for what is to come than people who are walking around right now, breathing but burdened down with their heavy load.

I have learned—slowly, painfully, and sometimes stubbornly—that my highest calling is to live as a follower of Jesus, no matter where my life takes me. If I’m striving to know who God is, living out the truths of His Word, experiencing what it means to abide, and accepting the Father’s good gifts of mercy and grace in my life every day, then I will have everything I need to walk the path He has laid before me.

So when I was at my lowest, when all seemed lost, I chose to find peace, strength, and hope through the presence of Christ. And I am still choosing Christ. At times, that choice has meant an instant cry for help. Other times it