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    The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News: Real Fake News in the Trump Era
    The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News: Real Fake News in the Trump Era
    The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News: Real Fake News in the Trump Era
    Ebook115 pages1 hour

    The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News: Real Fake News in the Trump Era

    By Carl Reader

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    About this ebook

    Only once in a millennium does a fake news outlet come along that is so fake and disreputable that it matches the president it covers. Such an outlet is the WTF Network News, where lies, fantasy and chicanery dominate the coverage of the current dangerous charlatan that masquerades as our Chief Executive. WFT Network News promotes tawdry absurdist journalism as the perfect mirror held up to the Oval Office occupant. So laugh along (or cry) as President Donald J. Trump, as the greatest president ever, solves the immigration crisis, lands Air Force One on Buckingham Palace, eats bees in Japan, brags about his endowments, declares himself as the first man to climb Mount Everest, goes to Mars and much more. These sterling examples of modern journalism will have you saying WTF over and over.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherCarl Reader
    Release dateAug 9, 2019
    ISBN9780463777091
    The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News: Real Fake News in the Trump Era
    Author

    Carl Reader

    Carl Reader trained as a journalist at Temple University and has worked as a reporter, photographer and editor in Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Montana. He's published short stories in literary magazines and on the Internet and has self-published a children's Christmas story called THE TWELFTH ELF OF KINDNESS.That book was partially published in Russia under the Sister Cities program. He's also self-published a novella called THE PERSECUTION OF WILLIAM PENN, which has been well-received in several college libraries. He works as a professional photographer and freelance writer.

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      Book preview

      The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News - Carl Reader

      The Absolute Worst of WTF Network News

      Real Fake News in the Trump Era

      By

      Carl Reader

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright 2019 Carl Reader

      Smashwords License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Table Of Contents

      An Intoxicating Solution to the Immigration Crisis

      Fifth Avenue Rag

      The President’s Hairy Recipe for Success

      Trump Makes Urgent Calls for World Peace

      The President Must Go

      Trump’s Latest Environmental Initiative

      Trump Meets With His Vultures

      Trump Eats Bees in Japan

      A Sweet Date With Death

      Trump Climbs Mount Everest

      Trump Explains His Golden Showers

      Trump and Mueller Hit the Ice in Washington

      Trump Plans to Raise Turnips in Mexico

      Trump Petitions Pope to Excommunicate McCain

      Trump Arrives at Buckingham Palace

      President Proposes Immediate Solution to Brexit

      Trump Defends Deals with Saudi Arabia from Mars

      President Attacked in White House by Immigrants

      Pelosi helps Trump Prepare for Life in Jail

      President Reveals a Detail of Mexico Pact

      Trump Cancels Census and Election

      Trump Announces Plans to Close the White House

      Trump Praises His Fourth of July Erection

      Trump Claims Largest Endowment Ever

      Three Ghosts Visit Trump at Rally

      Trump Warns Mueller to Dress Warmly at Congressional Hearing

      The President Mouths His Position

      Trump To Hand Out Free Guns in El Paso

      An Intoxicating Solution to the Immigration Crisis

      By Dee Fluck

      Washington Bureau Chief

      WASHINGTON, D.C. , May, 7 – The White House today claimed victory in the seemingly endless immigration crisis on the country’s southern border.

      The wall is going to be built, just as I said it would be, a jubilant President Donald J. Trump announced this morning to the press corps in the Rose Garden. And we will have no need for funding from the congress or Mexico or McDonald’s to build it. All we need are several billion gallons of glue, which I and several others of our great corporations will provide immediately. It is a great day for our great country. Promise made, promise kept.

      As much joy as the announcement elicited from the press to whom Mr. Trump made the announcement, several journalists expressed confusion over the president’s statement that all that will be needed to build the wall is glue.

      Glue? shouted several newsmen in chorus. How is glue going to build the wall?

      Listen and learn. I will use only glue, because I am the greatest of all builders ever in the history of America, or maybe even the universe, the president responded. I know for a fact that when God created Mars, he made it out of glue. Several galaxies are glue galaxies, with all the stars made of glue. Even most black holes are glue. Light gets stuck in them and can’t get out. Glue is the building block of the universe.

      Although that answer seemed to satisfy several of the president’s friendly and honorable right-wing reporters in the audience, as well as Senate Republican Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who was standing next to the president taking money out of his pocket, several slimy left-wing, so-called reporters still stupidly expressed concern about the proposed project.

      Just what are we going to glue together? asked CNN’s evil correspondent, Jim Acostya. If it’s going to be a true wall, we have to glue things together to make it.

      That’s true, responded the president with a friendly, knowing smile to the ignorant question. We’ve solved that problem, too.

      How? persisted the rude Mr. Acostya.

      We’re going to glue all the immigrants together to make the wall, stack them up like a wall made of bricks and mortar. If an immigrant wants to come into our country, he or she can, at least partially. Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador agreed this is how we will solve the border crisis. We will stack up the immigrants and glue them all together to form a wall, the greatest wall that has ever been built. And we’ll let vines of roses and poison ivy grow up it.

      A gasp rose from the dozens of reporters, which appeared to confuse the greatest of all presidents.

      Don’t worry, Mr. Trump said, recovering himself. We’re not letting the drug dealers and criminals into our great country. They’ll form the very lowest bottom bricks in the wall, but they will be let in partially, as a compromise with President Obrador.

      Partially? asked the repugnant Mr. Acostya.

      Their feet will be on the American side of the wall and their heads will be on the Mexican side of the wall. As part of this compromise, their bodies will straddle the border. As one immigrant after the other comes into our country, we will capture them, slather them with glue and stick them on top of the other immigrants to a height of fifty feet. This will happen all along the two-thousand-mile border. It is the most brilliant solution anyone could come up with to solve this crisis, and I did it. Not only will it bring us together as a nation, but it will bring the immigrants together and guarantee togetherness for all of us. Everybody wants our country to come together and be safe, so now we can, and I am so great I did it.

      But isn’t that inhumane? the vile Mr. Acostya asked, feigning foolish outrage. Isn’t it inhumane to glue people together to form a wall?

      Not at all. This wall will immortalize all immigrants forever, Mr. Trump responded. It will stand as a testament to their courage, and my brilliance, once their bones are bleached by the sun. They want a better life, and we’re giving it to them, we’re giving them immortal life. Our Great Wall of Immigrants will last longer than the Great Wall of China. Our wall will be a testament to our very humane immigration policy that I made up. Bones and glue will make our wall, and make our country great again

      The president said construction of the immigrant wall will begin immediately, with the first layer of immigrants consisting of those who have died trying to enter the country and those children who have died while in detention.

      Good for them. It the best way I can think of to honor them and me, he said. And isn’t that what this is all about?

      The president ended the press conference by asking the press corps if they would like to sniff the glue he planned to use, in order to better understand his latest solution to the immigrant crisis.

      Fifth Avenue Rag

      By Fay Fluck

      New York Bureau Chief

      NEW YORK CITY, May 20 – President Donald J. Trump returned home to Manhattan this weekend to fulfill one of his most sacred promises to the American people.

      The president killed not just one but three people on Fifth Avenue, much to the delight of his enthusiastic base.

      It was one of the most inspiring things I’ve ever seen, said stripper September Long, a witness to the crimes who identified herself as someone who hoped to become a personal friend of the president. No one can say that our great president doesn’t deliver on his campaign promises. You should have seen those corpses hit the pavement ... blood everywhere, just as he said there would be. It was awesome. People were loving it.

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