Five Keys to Divine Sex: Your guide to presence and pleasure

Five Keys to Divine Sex

FOREWORD

STARTING POINT: PRESENCE

KEY 1: ACCEPT YOURSELF

THE DIVINE ME

DEVELOPING ONESELF

BREATHING

FANTASIES AND MASTURBATION

STARTING SEX LIFE

KEY 2: CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER

NEEDY CONNECTION

GENUINE CONNECTION

BEST WAYS TO INCREASE PRESENCE IN SEX

ESCAPING FROM PRESENCE

DIFFERENT QUALITIES OF THE MAN AND THE WOMAN

THE MAN ADORING THE WOMAN

EXPERIMENTING

KEY 3: TOUCH INTUITIVELY

TOUCHING WITH PRESENCE 

DIFFERENT WAYS OF TOUCHING

BEING STILL WHILE TOUCHING

ORAL SEX FOR THE WOMAN

ORAL SEX FOR THE MAN

KEY 4: RELAX INTO SEX

INSIDE THE WOMAN

HOW LONG SHOULD IT LAST?

INSIDE ALL THE WAY

THE WILD SIDE

RHYTHM

HELPFUL TOOLS FOR SEX

ORGASM

KEY 5: CHERISH YOUR RELATIONSHIP

TAKING & GIVING SPACE

TRUE ADULTHOOD

DEVELOPING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

LANDING: 15 GUIDELINES TO DIVINE SEX

Copyright

FOREWORD

Being completely present enables us to enjoy sex without thoughts, expectations or worries - anything that keeps us away from simply expressing ourselves. The secret of presence in sex is in the freedom of being here and now. We all have the possibility and the ability to free ourselves of thinking, in every moment of our lives. Be encouraged by this! It is truly possible for you to express yourself without worrying about anything, not only during sex but in every situation of your life. 

For many people sex unfortunately has an aspect of performance. We worry about what our partner thinks and whether we are doing the right things, and for that we loose our possibility to surrender into the loving, free and relaxed flow that sex can be. This book is an unique guide to help you to be present in sex, so that you can enjoy your sexuality freely. It will also help you to improve your communication with your partner, honesty, self-knowledge and love. The book includes various practices in every chapter. First you are guided to know what to do to free yourself of all unnecessary barriers, and then you are guided how to do it by easy and simple practices. 

In KEY ONE: Connect with yourself you get tools in accepting and loving yourself. This is the foundation. Being present is a crucial part of loving yourself. In the next chapter KEY TWO: Connect with your partner you learn how to create a flowing communication with your partner. You will be able to express yourself freely and also listen to your partner as he/she is, without interpretations based on your beliefs, fears or wishes. This will help both of you to be more genuine and to cherish your friendship as well. 

Chapter KEY THREE: Share genuine touch is about learning to touch in different ways without routines, expectations or old patterns. You will also learn to trust and listen to your intuition in touching. In KEY FOUR: Relax into sex the focus is in sex and intercourse, and communicating in a natural way about your sexual needs, wishes and boundaries. In the final chapter KEY FIVE: Cherish your relationship you learn to maintain a renewing, relaxed and loving relationship.

The book includes insightful and inspiring quotes by many men and women of different ages. They have written their experiences specially for this book. Their names have been changed. 

FOR THE READER:

You have an innate freedom to be, move, enjoy, listen and express yourself. You have the freedom to say yes, and you also have the freedom to say no. Listen to your heart, and you will always feel what is right.

Remember that this is about opening up, relaxing and being you as you are. Don't perform the practices. Love is the ultimate key in opening everything up.

Leave all thoughts aside and let love guide you.

Close your eyes and surrender - let things happen. This is especially powerful, if you tend to maintain control or observe your partner instead of letting go. Remember this when you talk, kiss, do the practices and have sex. The purpose is not to escape a deep connection, but to surrender.

Remember to breathe deeply, for it relaxes your body and makes presence easier. Just breathing deep has an astounding effect on how you feel!

The quotes can also be starting points of discussion for you and your partner. How do they make you feel? Do you find them relatable? 

Talk to your partner! Tell him/her if you feel shy, disconnected, nervous, or if your head seems to be full of thoughts you can't seem to get rid of. Even this is a huge step to being present, for when thoughts or emotions are discovered and seen, they cannot control your behavior anymore.  Say that you miss being close, or that you need a moment to yourself. Be honest, for it builds trust and respect.

I wish you a beautiful journey to peaceful presence and deep sexuality - Relax and Enjoy!

Mitra Vasara

STARTING POINT: PRESENCE

Presence is being in the moment without trying to change it. The moment is experienced through awareness and inner peace, not through thoughts. There is only being, not doing. Any action rises upon itself, instead of being a result of analyzing.

For most people such moments of peace, simply being without thinking, are experienced when they quiet themselves down by calming activities such as walking in the woods or meditating. The challenge is to remember that it's possible to feel inner peace at any moment, even when you feel emotional. 

Feeling disconnected to your emotions during sex, or even to your own sexuality, shadows all your sexual experiences. If sex is something you perform and not something you surrender yourself into, you lose your chance to enjoy fully. This is caused by something completely unnecessary during sex: thinking.

Thinking is useful, when you need to act. If you see a car coming towards you, you analyze a split second if it might hit you, and you act accordingly. When your heart tells you that you need to find another job, you use your mind to the process of seeking a new job. The skill of thinking is very useful, but it is often misunderstood as the leader of our actions. The mind has a tendency to avoid surrender and trust. Instead it focuses either on dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. That is why the mind should not be your boss! 

Thinking does not need to be something you identify yourself with. Thoughts may arise, and sometimes they tell you something useful. At other times the thought simply does not mean anything. Ideally your intuition, your heart, inner peace, presence – whatever term you prefer – is the true leader of your actions. Your intuition does not analyze things, but experiences them.  

WHEN YOU ARE PRESENT

. . . you don't escape the intimacy of sex into fantasies and images

Many people grow up without even knowing that there are more aspects to sex than the physical pleasure it provides. If you are emotionally distanced from yourself and your partner, you might use images and fantasies during sex to keep yourself physically aroused. If you have intimacy issues, emotionally intimate sex can feel challenging. But when you open up in presence, intimacy feels calming and safe.  

Using images means that you try to keep a sense of control by escaping the intimacy. If you keep your emotions to yourself, you make it impossible to your partner to truly feel and understand you. Although you are physically intertwined, there is no really deep intimate contact between you. In purely physical sex you miss the surrender, the presence, the freedom and the true connection between you two – but if you've never even heard of it, you cannot know how to achieve it. In KEY THREE and KEY FOUR you'll practice expressing your sexuality without hurry, pressure or agendas.  

. . . sex is not a performance

If sex is a performance, it is very stressful to you in some levels, although you might enjoy it physically and even climax. You release a physical pressure, but won't relax on other levels. Your emotional needs remain unsatisfied. You also miss a chance to encounter your partner lovingly. You probably try to satisfy these needs by other means - sometimes by very wrong ones, like buying yourself something nice. You will feel truly happy and free only when you get what you really need, which is to be seen as yourself and encounter your partner as he/she is.

Physical sex is like fast food, which satisfies your hunger but does not offer you the nourishment you need. Presence in sex is like a meal: it offers you what you need in that moment, be it something to drink or a slow, 3-course meal.  

. . . sex feels like making love, not like an accomplishment

When you let go of all worries, expectations, thoughts and fears you feel tenderness, passion and warmth towards yourself and your partner. This is what happens in presence. You are safe within yourself and listen to your feelings respectfully. You do not follow a routine from A to B and then to O. You are expressing love and the pure joy of being in sex, so the focus is not in the end result, but in the act of expressing love at that very moment. You are not guided by routines and what worked the last time. Instead your touch, words and movements are in sync with the present moment. You simply relax into doing what you want to do in that very moment. And as your actions arise from your heart, your partner feels safe in your expression with joy, love and understanding. This is not to say that sex with presence should be etheric or slow. Your most genuine feeling can also be wildly passionate. 

Without presence sex is purely a physical act, in which you don't share what you are really feeling. Though the sex would be pleasant physically, both you and your partner feel a bit empty in the emotional level.  If you know how to stimulate each other physically and your sex life is active, you might think that your sex life is just fine. But you still have a strange feeling that you are missing out on something, and you just do not know what it is. 

It is impossible to share presence if you are not genuinely connected to yourself. This is why KEY ONE is all about listening to yourself, body and emotions. 

. . . you are able to talk freely to your partner, also about sex

If you are guided by your mind rather than your heart, you worry about your own and your partner's actions, thoughts and feelings. What makes it even worse, you do this without discussing them with him/her. Discussing your needs, limits and impulses can feel uncomfortable, as you need to reveal yourself to do so. But talking straight has a major effect on mutual trust in your relationship. You both feel relaxed when you express yourself honestly, without having a constant need to protect yourself or your partner from critique.

Feeling that you can't, are not able to or do not have a right to talk about your needs and experiences, reveals a wound in your self esteem. Thinking that your point of view is much more important than your partner's is a result of the same problem: self esteem issues. You can do a lot to improve your self esteem very easily, and we'll start with that in KEY ONE after a few pages. 

Talking, listening and sharing are crucial in communicating what you need, wish and want in your sex life. Only by communicating clearly you can understand your partner's point of view clearly as well. You cannot get what you want, if you do not express your needs. You'll find a lot of practices (marked HOW) to improve your communication in various ways. KEY TWO is all about communication, and that is where the communication practices are. 

All you need to do first is to stop thinking and starting listening to yourself.

You cannot find your true self in your thoughts or emotions but in your heart, in silence, in presence. If you have a need for control, you cannot be here and now.  You will not be able to relax and listen to your impulses in the moment. Instead you try to control the moment with your mind, ideas and thoughts. Letting go of control can be scary at first, but it will help you to enjoy full-heartedly. Your energy is not anymore tied to trying to control, so you can relax and focus on enjoying. You cannot control life, no matter what you do.

Life can give you ultimate pleasure, when you just allow it! Letting go of control can show you something you've never even imagined. Surrendering into sex is not only surrendering to the intimate moment of you two, but it has a symbolic meaning as well: you let go of the ideas in your mind, and receive what the world can offer. This does not mean that you receive something that feels wrong in your heart. Value your boundaries and your heart.

When you are present, you are at peace with yourself. You give yourself the acceptance you need, so you do not need your partner to assure you that you are wanted, sexy or sufficient. Instead of demanding for affirmation you have something to share: your presence, love and enjoyment. 

KEY 1: ACCEPT YOURSELF

Presence is your true nature. it is simply being without the burden of constant thoughts and discontentment. There is nothing difficult in presence, and it is not an altered state of consciousness. It may be difficult to hear the silence within, for the mind is so loud, but it is certainly possible.

Being connected to yourself is about knowing yourself – not with your mind, but with your heart. When you are content with yourself, life is a lot easier. You do not blame yourself for your flaws but have patience and love even for your weaknesses. You have a lot to share with others, but you do not need acceptance for affirmation of your value. You are happy with and by yourself, thus sharing is something light and natural. 

Being connected to yourself means that you know who you are and accept yourself. You listen to your own needs and know when to put yourself first. Other people's expectations and suggestions do not affect you, as  you are not afraid of what other people think of you and whether or not they accept you. You can talk about your boundaries, your needs and your difficulties in a neutral tone, without blaming yourself or others. It is also easy for you to express gratitude, excitement and enjoyment. You feel free to disagree with people, since you have no need to please people. You follow your heart, which is full of love and peace, instead of your mind, which is full of doubts and fears.

You are the key person of your own life!

- Listen to yourself and be gentle with yourself. This way you can fulfill your deepest needs, like the need of being accepted, yourself. No amount of admiration from someone else can fill your need to be accepted. 

- Only you can improve your own self esteem, self-knowledge and appreciation towards yourself. Surely it helps to leave relationships or jobs where you clearly are not being respected, but only you can do this.

When you know yourself, the most important thing in your life is inner peace. It is being here and now, without a need to change anything. It is also called presence. Most of us experience presence momentarily. Doing practices that quiet down the mind helps to extend there moments into minutes, maybe even hours. There are people who live in a permanent state of presence, and it rarely happens without some kind of practice to silence the mind.

Presence is not pretension, and it is not an altered state of being. There is nothing new age about it, it is simply being in the moment. You can hear the inner peace in yourself at any moment: just breathe and maybe close your eyes, so you aren't distracted by your surroundings. What is left when the mind is quieted down or even just ignored is a state of observation, of peace and acceptance. 

What is presence?

Breathe slowly and quiet your mind. Calm yourself down to feel the answer.

Before you can truly connect with another person, you need to