We're Not Alone
By Rik Isensee
()
About this ebook
Rik Isensee
Rik Isensee practices psychotherapy in San Francisco and has worked with some clients in recovery from ex-gay programs. He is the author of three self-help books for gay men: Love Between Men, Reclaiming Your Life, and Are You Ready? The Gay Man's Guide to Thriving at Midlife.
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We're Not Alone - Rik Isensee
Sky
Off the Deep End
Being a teenager is complicated. Sometimes I get so tired, I feel like going to sleep for about a million years. Mom says, Savor it, honey. You won’t be sixteen forever.
Easy for her to say.
There’s so many angles to keep up with, I start to lose track. Susie’s a big help. She always throws contradictions in my face. I tell her, Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds,
but she sticks it to me anyway.
Having a girlfriend in high school is practically a requirement, though it’s not like we hang out together strictly for appearances. We’re just really tight, that’s all. We’ve never made out or anything—not that I wouldn’t be into it, if it ever came up.
We often go on doubledates with Scott and Melody. They hooked up this past year. Scott’s my best friend, besides Susie, and Melody’s hers—so it was definitely convenient, having them get together like that.
Scott and Melody have made out. Especially in the back seat, on one of our dates. Not that I break my neck looking around, but it’s kind of hard to miss when you glance at the rearview mirror to check the traffic. Scott’s always telling me about someplace he and Melody went, where they made out like mad even though anyone could have come by any minute—except no one ever has.
Sometimes I think it must seem pretty obvious that Susie and I have never messed around on our double dates. A guy could start to wonder about his best friend, maybe. One time he asked me point blank, You and Susie ever get caught?
Nope,
I said. Which was the truth, of course.
Maybe it’s the juggling act that gets a little much at times. One-to-one, I’m a virtual chameleon. But get me near a crowd and I break out in a sweat.
Once in a while, even Susie goes off the deep end. Like now, for instance. Just when things are going along real smooth with Scott and Melody, she throws in this major wrench. All on account of us goofing around last night, she says we shouldn’t go out with them anymore. Our best friends!
Girls Just Want To Have Fun
The four of us bundled into the car, which I got for the evening. It was a toss-up for ’seventies night at the school dance, or some sci-fi flick at the drive-in. So, where to?
Both girls said, Let’s go dancing!
clicking their fingers, swaying from side to side.
Scott said, You know all they’re going to play is that sappy old disco music.
"Who wants to see another remake of Star Wars?" Susie said.
"So who said anything about watching it?"
That settles it, Romeo, we’re going dancing,
said Melody. If you guys can’t learn some old dance steps, Susie and I’ll kick up our heels. Right, honey pie?
Sure, sugar,
Susie crooned.
Give me a break,
Scott said.
To the dance, then?
I said, and pulled out of Susie’s driveway, heading for school.
Scott always wants to go to the drive-in so he and Melody can neck in the back seat, while Susie and I sit up front eating popcorn, for Christ sake.
As soon as we got there, Melody grabbed Susie’s hand and they dashed out on the floor, doing a line dance to the Grapevine.
We watched them for a minute, then I turned to Scott. You want to try it?
He looked over at me as though I’d suggested about the weirdest thing in the whole world.
I mean, with the girls. They said they’d show us how.
Oh sure,
he said, with the girls. Go ahead; I’ll stash my coat.
I lined up next to Melody, and tried to follow her steps. It looked easy enough. One, two, right behind, left behind, kick, turn!
They wheeled around and headed back the other way, nearly running me over.
Whoa, which way are you going?
Come on, Mike, you’ve almost got it,
Melody said.
I keep getting my right behind and left behind mixed up.
If you only had one behind, it wouldn’t be such a problem,
Scott said, sidling up next to me.
You’re so smart, why don’t you try it,
Susie said, as she kicked out to the side and turned to the right.
So what do you do?
he asked.
Here, follow me,
I said. Right behind, left behind, kick, turn!
and I bumped into him. Now we go back to the left. Turn around. Here.
I took his hand, and led off in the other direction.
Hey, no way, José,
Scott said, and yanked his hand out of my grasp.
Scott, for Pete’s sake!
Susie looked over her shoulder. It’s a line dance.
All right, so I’m in line, already.
He ended up on the wrong foot when we got to the kick, hopped on the other to catch up, then I bumped into him when we reversed directions. The girls laughed.
We almost got it. Honest!
I said, taking hold of his arm this time, dragging him after me. Right behind, left behind, kick, turn! All right!
We turned successfully and I followed him, while he looked back at my feet.
He said, We’re a team, Andrews.
A new song came on, and the girls started dancing together very close. Scott and I were left just standing there on the floor.
Finally, Scott went over and tapped Susie on the shoulder. He glommed onto Melody as this lazy blues came on. Susie joined me over by the punchbowl, then we went outside.
You should have seen the look on Scott’s face when you grabbed his hand,
she said.
Why’s it such a big deal if guys dance together? Nobody suspects anything if girls do.
She nods. Melody says you’re a good dancer.
I don’t know, it’s just fun.
Maybe that’s the difference,
she said.
Difference between what?
Between the way boys and girls look at dancing. Like girls just want to have fun, but boys think they’re supposed to prove something. If they’re not really hot, they don’t want to do it at all. Unless they can make out the whole time.
That’s what most guys think?
That’s what Melody says.
Great. So now I think like a girl!
What’s so bad about that, if the way other boys think is stupid?
Well…
Susie!
Melody and Scott joined us outside by the benches. Scott winked at me. Probably because he just made out with Melody all over the dance floor, as if nobody noticed.
The girls went off to the restroom. I’ve never understood why when one girl gets up, they all go off at once,
Scott said. I never thought about it much. Then he said, Let’s go park somewhere.
I knew this would come up sooner or later. If you’re best friends with a make-out artist, what can you expect? Around here?
Sure, up Glen Oaks Drive.
What’ll we tell them?
We want to go look at the lights—you know—something romantic.
Susie’s not exactly the romantic type.
"Is it her who’s not the romantic type, or is it you?"
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
There was no way to avoid it, now. We already got out of going to the drive-in. At least there we’d have had the excuse of watching the movie. Shoot.
Susie and Melody came back outside. So I said, Scott and I were thinking, wouldn’t it be fun to drive up and look at the city lights?
Susie winked at Melody, who said, I don’t know, my mother warned me about those lights.
Come on,
Scott said. It’s really clear tonight. You can see all the way into Los Angeles.
All right,
Susie turned to Melody, if they want to look at the lights, let them sit in the front seat, and we’ll sit in the back.
Scott rolled his eyes around. I said, Oh; well, sure. That’s cool. Huh, Scott.
Oh yeah, sure, that’s cool.
He stared at the remains of his Hawaiian punch.
Truth or Dare
We set off. The girls carried on, pointing at cars as we drove by, laughing and tickling us in the front seat; every once in a while Melody took Susie in her arms and said, We are on our way to see the city lights, my dear.
Ravishing, I’m sure.
Scott, with his chin in hand, seemed hypnotized by the side of the road.
Parked on the edge of the cliff, overlooking the sweep of suburbia, the girls continued. Oh! It’s so beautiful! Like a bucketful of jewels!
Melody exclaimed.
Kiss me, Melodia—I think I’m going to swoon.
Melody grabbed Susie in what appeared to me a rather passionate embrace.
Suddenly Scott leaned over and whispered, Listen, Andrews, two can play at this game,
then he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and brought me toward him, kissing me full on the mouth.
Holy Moly! Electric sparks went off all over my body. He slid his right hand under my lower back, clutching me tighter. Meanwhile Susie and Melody started to moan. Not one to be outdone, Scott began to groan. In no time at all, I found myself groaning as well, gasping for air.
It didn’t seem like the girls had noticed anything. Oh, this is boring,
Scott said. He got out and walked over to the edge of the cliff. I was left, weak and limp, leaning up against the door.
Where’s Scott?
asked Melody.
He took a walk.
Scott!
Melody slid out, and scrambled after him.
I peered over at Susie, who lay sprawled across the back seat. Control to space cadet, do you read me?
I don’t know, but I think I’m in love.
She tossed back her red hair and stared at the ceiling.
What a crazy couple they are,
I said. How did we ever get mixed up with them?
What about you?
she asked.
What about me? I’m Norman Normal.
No, I mean what was it like with Scott?
They were just clowning around, you know.
Maybe they were, but I think I liked it.
I didn’t respond for a moment, hoping she’d just drop it. It’s not like anything really happened. Nice view from up here.
You’re holding out on me, Mike.
What do you mean?
I think I’m in love with Melody.
Yeah, well so?
What about you?
she asked again. God, she’s persistent.
No, I’m not in love with Melody.
Mike, that’s not what I meant.
All right, I confess. I’m really an enchanted frog, and Scott just turned me into a Prince.
Andrews! I’m serious.
I said I was an enchanted frog. What more do you want?
Just tell me, Mike,
she sat up and looked straight at me, resting her arms on the seat. Are you in love with Scott?
My hands grew sweaty and my mouth seemed awfully dry all of a sudden. What is this, ‘Truth or Dare’?
Susie glowered at me and tossed back her hair. Oh, just forget it.
She got out and slammed the back door.
I figure we were just horsing around, right? But Susie has this way of making a big deal out of something