Easy Does It, Mom: Parenting in Recovery

book.

Introduction

This book is for you. I've written it because I know you, like every mom, want to do the very best job raising your children that you can. Being a mom can be overwhelming and exhausting, with few expressions of gratitude coming to you for all of your hard work. I can tell you this because I am a mom of three now-grown children. In spite of the many peaks and valleys (sometimes cliffs and pits!), all three of them grew up to be loving, responsible, selfreliant adults. Being a mom has been the most challenging, as well as the most rewarding, chapter of my life. It is my greatest success. I wish the very same for you and your children.

You and I have things in common. We are moms. Have you ever noticed how moms have an understanding of one another that others don't share? We know how hard it can be. We know how we hurt when they hurt. How we miss them when they are not with us. We know how much we wish they would just behave when they are with us! Many times, as moms, we feel alone and isolated. We wonder if we are the only moms feeling out of control and helpless—wanting to be good moms and not knowing what to do.

This book will help you to become the best mom you can be. Within these pages, you will discover many effective tools that you can begin using today with your children. You will most likely be pleasantly surprised to find that, as you begin to parent in a more positive way, your children will respond in the same way.

For the past twenty-five years, I have worked with parents and children in many arenas—teaching, nursing, advocating, coaching, and consulting. I am passionate about helping parents acquire positive parenting tools that can help them raise children who are happy and healthy, with good self-esteem. It is equally important for you to build your confidence as a mom and be proud of how you parent. While I am not a mom in recovery, I have worked with many moms over the years who have been. Moms in recovery and their children have generously shared with me their true experiences. You'll find them within the pages of this book. The names have been changed to respect their anonymity.

Anyone who is involved in a child's life will benefit from this book. The child will also benefit, because the more that the important people in his life model respectful parenting, the better for the child. These important people include:

As a way of supporting you in your reading, I've included three sections at the end of every chapter. The first one is a journaling activity. I will give you some suggestions about things you may want to spend a little time thinking about and writing down.

Journaling may be new to some of you. When you journal, there is no right or wrong. It is merely a way for you to process your thoughts, feelings, ideas, and experiences. Many times, writing something down helps you let go. Sometimes you may find yourself feeling better or even getting clarity on a situation.

Your journal can be anything from an actual hardbound journal, to a notebook, to a piece of paper you happen to have with you when you want to write. The journal is only for you, unless you choose to share it with someone. Find a place where it will be safe, so that you will have the freedom to write whatever you need to write whenever you need to write it. You can also explain to your family that it contains your personal thoughts and that no one else is to read it. This is one way to teach your children about respecting each other's privacy. Many children, some as young as age eight, enjoy journaling. What a wonderful way for your children to sort through some of their feelings.

The second section at the end of each chapter is called Gems for Your Pocket. These are short phrases or sentences that highlight some of the key points in the chapter. I call them gems because I think of them as tiny nuggets, full of wisdom, that you can carry with you throughout your day.

The third section is Affirmations. Affirmations are short, simple, positive statements to say, think, and feel about yourself. I encourage you to write them at least twice a day. Say them out loud while looking in your mirror. Go ahead. Be brave. You can do it, even if you feel silly. Carry them with you. Put them in a spot where you will see them during your day—in your binder, on your dashboard, on the fridge. Be creative and add some of your own. Include them in your daily prayer time. How about making a section in your journal for affirmations?

One recurring theme in this book is the importance of giving your child encouragement. You need and deserve it too. This book is filled with inspiration and encouragement for you, and at the end of the book, there are Recommended Readings that give you more information on many topics we will talk about here.

You are a woman of courage and strength. I acknowledge you for remaining committed to your recovery. It is the greatest gift you can give your children.

I wish for you continued determination and healing, as you move forward, one step at a time, to be the very best mom you can be.

CHAPTER 1

Who Do You Want to Be?

Parenting is a two way street.

As you take them by the hand,

they will take you by the heart.

—Judy Ford

Every mom wants to be the best mom she can be. I understand that you may be struggling, not only with guilt and shame from your past, but now also because you are a woman in recovery and a mom at the same time. A mom that wants her children to grow up to love, trust, and respect her. A mom who will be there for her children during the good and not-so-good times. Teaching your child to one day become a loving and responsible adult is important. You, like every mom, want to succeed. Every day you remain in your recovery, you are succeeding.

Every child wants to have a happy and safe childhood. All children want to have moms they trust and know will protect and provide for them. They want stability, consistency, and structure in their lives. Another word for structure is routine. Routine is more than a schedule. It's a rhythm.

Some days seem to flow smoothly. Other days are full of chaos and confusion. When children have a routine, they feel more safe and secure. When they feel more safe and secure, there is less need to act out. Parents often ask why their children do well at school, but not at home. Many times, this is because children know the routine at school. They know what to expect in their day. If you want support in creating a routine for your family, take a look at Positive Discipline for Parenting in Recovery by Jane Nelsen, Riki Intner, and Lynn Lott. They lay out many helpful daily routines.

In addition to routine, what children most want are moms who are present with them on a regular basis. Being present is when you stop what you are doing, or when you plan for times in the day during which you genuinely are paying attention to your child. Children know that this is their special time with you. They feel important, that they matter in your life.

Looking Back So You Can Move Forward

Some of you had parents who were very strict and used punishments as discipline—restrictions, hitting, threats, yelling, grounding, and physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. This is called an authoritarian style of discipline.

Others were raised by permissive parents—parents who did not provide rules or boundaries. They were inconsistent and passive. Bribing and pleading were frequent discipline tools. The child had the power and was in charge. It may appear that children want to be in charge. They don't. They want to be kids—to play and have fun. They want parents who will help them learn to make good choices.

It's common that one parent is authoritarian and the other permissive. Sometimes, this occurs because the parents think they are balancing each other out. If one parent is too strict, the other may tend to be easy on the kids, thinking this will compensate for the other's strictness, and vice versa. Children with parents like this have to figure out how to behave, depending on which parent is with them at any given moment. When the permissive parent is there, no one is in charge unless they take on that role. When the authoritarian parent is there, they are most likely anxious and fearful, not knowing what is going to happen next.

A young mom, Liz, shared this with me. My father was an alcoholic and very authoritarian when he did parent me. I grew up in uncertainty because I never knew what ‘mood’ my father would be in when he came home. The more he drank, the meaner he got. Sometimes, he came in the door yelling at us kids and cursing my mother. Other times, he beat us and locked us in our rooms. My mother was the submissive parent, most likely out of fear of my dad. I think she would take anything he said or did in order to protect us kids. It was very scary. I lost respect for both of them and left home at seventeen.

While children are adaptable and resilient, this kind of parenting causes confusion and stress. Many times, it leads to manipulation and playing parents against each other. This benefits no one in the family. Children are not born manipulative. It is a learned behavior that they develop from the important adults in their lives. Sometimes, it is the only way that they know how to survive.

Presents Or Presence

Presence or presents? What do your children really want? There is no doubt. They not only want, they need your presence. You are the gift. Being present with your child does not have to involve money, treats, or toys. It involves a mom who can simply be with her child. Maybe it's taking a walk, reading a book, sitting quietly and just talking, or doing a creative project together. Maybe it's pulling weeds, planting a garden, folding clothes. The what does not much matter. What matters is that you are concentrating on your child during this time. The TV, phone, computer, reading the newspaper, talking with a friend, or whatever else may distract you, is off-limits for the time being. If you can find ways to slow down during your busy days and give your children some genuinely present time, that gift will far outweigh anything that you can buy them. It is a lasting gift that will be cherished by you both. Sometimes, we may forget or do not fully realize just what a gift we are in our children's lives. Give them the gift of your presence.

Many moms say this feels weird and uncomfortable. You may not have experienced anyone in your life being present with you. So how can you do this with your child? Start simple. A few minutes at a time. Sometimes it's helpful to think of something that you both enjoy and do that together. Before long, you will begin to see your child in a new and wonderful way—a child full of love, and wanting to be an important part of your life.

Very young children need short, but frequent, times throughout the day for you to connect with them. As children get older, although it is wonderful to do, sometimes it's not realistic to find time daily. In that case, you can let them know that you want to spend some special time with just them, and that you will be able to do something together on the coming weekend.

The next time your child is acting out, ask yourself, When was the last time I gave him (or her) some of my undivided attention? Often, if, instead of battling with them over and over, you just stop what you are doing and spend a little time, without interruption, the day improves for you both.

Let's say a good friend of yours comes for a visit. She has a nicely wrapped gift for you. Would you rather have the wrapped gift or thirty minutes to sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk? When I ask moms this question, I get the same answer. The coffee and talk. It is far richer and longer-lasting than a material gift. Children are the same way. You may think that they would choose the new video game over spending time with you. And they may at first. But once they know that they can actually have you and your undivided attention, that is what they will choose. Children crave their mom's presence.

Your presence is a lasting gift that fills the heart, builds self-esteem, and cements the relationship between you and your child. We'll be talking more about building healthy self-esteem in chapter 6.

When You Know Better, You Do Better

When you became a mom, you most likely found yourself parenting in a way very similar to the way you were parented. We do what we know, and when we know better, we do better.

Have you ever noticed your face in the mirror when you were angry and thought, Yikes, I look just like my mother did when she was mad at me? Or have you heard your mother's exact words and tone coming out of your own mouth when you were frustrated with your child? Most of us have, more than once. These are things we hoped we'd never do to our own children.

At a very young age, we take the experiences of how we are treated and what we are told about ourselves deep within us. Believing them to be true, most of us pass on those behaviors and beliefs to our own children, until we learn new, more positive ways of parenting and change our beliefs about ourselves. A small number of parents who were more severely abused will, many times, swing to the exact opposite of how they were raised.

Beverly said, I was raised by a permissive parent. There was absolutely no structure or organization. No rules, limits, consequences. She wasn't home often, but when she was, nothing was any different. My life was always full of chaos and confusion. When I had my first child, I was determined never to treat him like that. I became very strict. There were consequences for almost everything. Actually, they were punishments. Finally, after my third child was born, I took a parenting class. I learned that there's a balance between being permissive like my own mom had been and being a tyrant like I had been. I am working on finding effective ways to parent. My children seem to be acting out less. I try not to beat myself up because it took me so long. But it sure is easier this way.

Fortunately, today there is support and education for parents to learn ways of parenting that are more effective than punishment. You can teach and guide your children to become responsible and loving. The good news is that, once parents begin to make positive changes in their parenting style, they most likely will soon see improvement in their children's behavior and attitude.

Punishment Versus Discipline

Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. When used correctly, punishment is a very small part of discipline. Punishment usually has something aggressive and/or punitive in it. Discipline does not.

Parents have said to me more than once, Punishment works. When I spank them, they straighten up. This may appear to be true. Children may straighten up in that moment, but are they learning anything from the spanking? I believe what they are learning is that they must be pretty bad kids, because their parents had to hit them. They are learning to behave out of fear, not learning to behave because it's the right thing to do.

Every time a child is spanked, his or her self-esteem goes down. Positive discipline leads to raising children who have healthy selfesteem. Aggression teaches aggression. If moms hit when they are frustrated, children learn to hit when they are frustrated. If moms talk respectfully and listen to their children, their children will learn to do the same.

Discipline includes all those things we, as parents, do to teach our children how to make better decisions. Discipline teaches them to become responsible, to think for themselves, to make better choices. Many parents think of discipline as punishment. Below are some differences that can help you to understand how they are different.

Implementing new discipline tools is no easy undertaking. It is a one-new-tool and one-step-at-a-time process. As the psychologist Abraham Maslow so famously said back in the 1960s, If the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem is a nail. For example, let's say that all you know how to do is yell. When your children misbehave in any way, you yell—whether you are trying to make sure they stop at the stop sign, or they have just spilled their milk, or they are fighting with their brother, you yell. Try and save the yelling voice for when something is really important, especially in regard to their safety. If you yell all of the time, they won't