How The Elves Won Christmas - A Socialist Pantomime in One Act

How the Elves Won Christmas A Socialist Pantomime in One Act
Dramatis Personae The Narrator Santa Claus George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Baronetcy of Osborne The Elves: Mitsky the Elf Pitsky the Elf Krunsky the Elf Dunsky the Elf Plotsky the Elf Trotsky the Elf
By Edmund Schluessel, December 2012 contact eschluessel@gmail.com. This work does not necessarily reflect the opinions of anyone except the author. Released under a CC-BY-SA 3.0 license, see http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/ for details. For more information about the real Trotsky, visit http://www.socialistparty.org.uk.
Scene One Santas Workshop at the North Pole. The Elves are all working hard at their appointed tasks. A Christmas tree at stage left has a heap of presents beneath it, labelled with the names of public services: Pensions, Disability Allowance, Education, National Elf Service, etc. A toy rifle sits on a stool on the stage near Mitsky the Elf. Narrator: Its December 25th, Christmas Day. Across Europe and America, most workers have the day offbut workers in essential services are on duty around the clock, and at Santas Workshop at the North Pole, it is no different. All the Elves are doing the same jobs they do all year round. There at the lathe is Mitsky, the wood turner, carving wooden dolls. (The Elves wave in turn at the audience as the Narrator introduces them) And Pitsky, the tin smith, stamping tin soldiers. And Krunsky, the painter, painting a firemans helmet. And Dunsky, the electrician, wiring lights and including batteries. And Plotsky, the printer, printing books for all the bookish boys and girls. And there at the back is little Trotsky the Elf Recordist, who keeps track of the good and bad deeds of all the boys and girls in the world, all through history. As all the Elves go about their duties, in walks Santa, fresh from his Christmas deliveries, with an important announcement. (Santa Claus enters stage right) Santa: Ho ho ho! And a merry Christmas to you all! Gather round, faithful Elves, gather round! Santas got biiiiiiig news for you! The Elves stop working and gather stage left, facing Santa.
The Elves: Ad lib. e.g. Oh boy! News! I wonder what it could be? Welcome back, Santa! &c. Santa: Now you know, Ive been doing this job a long time, and my old back is starting to get tired Pitsky (Grumpily, to nobody in particular): My old backs starting to get tired too. Krunsky (whispering): Pitsky, hush! Santa: and as you know, Ive been thinking of retiring. Well, tonight, while delivering presents all around the world, I met a very special boy who really impressed me. Loyal Elves, let me introduce to you (George Osborne enters, stage right.) The Elves (in unison): Oh no! George Osborne! Trotsky opens a book and begins thumbing through intently Santa (oblivious): Little Georgie Osborne. George Osborne (sinisterly): HelloElves! Santa: Georgie says he has some big ideas for a Big Society so all his friends can feel the Christmas spirit all year round, and you know, he just touched my heart and offered me enough cash to retire very comfortably indeed! Im sure hell make as good a boss to you as Ive ever been.
Dunsky: But Santa, you cant Mitsky: You dont know what hes like! Plotsky: My cousin in Tatton says hes a big meanie! Trotsky steps to the front. The Elves fall silent and hang on his words. Trotsky (snapping the book shut and levelling a finger at George accusingly): The records sayGeorge Osborne has been very naughty! Santa: Well thats nonsense. I saw his house myself and it was simply full of nice presents! Fancy cars, designer clothinganyone with that much nice tat must be a good boy! Now, dependable Elves, Im leaving you in Georgies care. Mrs. Claus and I are off to Tenerife. Goodbye! And merry Christmas to you all! (Santa puts on a pair of sunglasses and exits, stage right.) (A pause at George and the Elves stare at each other.) Pitsky (Grumpily, to nobody in particular): This is going to go badly. I can feel it. Krunsky (whispering): Pitsky, hush! George: Elves! Your attention, please! (The Elves snap to attention) George: There are some very modern changes to be made here! Ive had a look at the books your whole operation is positively medieval!
Mitsky: Thats because we were founded in the 14th century. George: You there. (pointing at Plotsky) What is your name? Mitsky: Mitsky, sir. Mitsky the Elf, sir. George: And what is it you do? Mitsky: I carve dolls, sir. Out of wood, sir. George: Out of wood, you say? It is the twenty-first century! Dolls are made of plastic and have 44-double-D bustlines now. You, Mitsky, are redundant! Youre sacked. Mitsky (devastated): Bbut Mr Osborne sir! I can re-train, sir! Ill George (addressing all the Elves, cutting Mitsky off): Efficiency! We must make savings! There is a global recession on! We must make tough choices! Im afraidcuts are necessary! Trotsky: Oh no theyre not! George: Oh yes they are! All Elves: Oh no theyre not!
George: Oh yes they are! All Elves and hopefully also the audience: Oh no theyre not! George: Enough! Enough of this nonsense! In the days to come, all departments of Santas Workshop will be re-organised. (Georges eye catches the presents under the tree) No more dawdling! No more scrounging. No moremoreexcuse me, what are those under that tree? Are those presents? Pitsky, (stepping forward): (Proudly) Why yes they are! Krunsky (anxious): Pitsky, hush! Pitsky: Most of the year, we work for Mister Claus! But we always put aside a little bit of our wages and labour to make nice thing for each other, too gifts which keep giving the whole year round! (Pitsky walks to the tree. George follows.) Pitsky: This present over here is Disabled Living Allowance we all pooled our money to help Krunskys grandmother buy a scooter to get to the shops. This present here is a fully-staffed professional fire service! That keeps us all nice and safe. And this present here (he picks up the box labelled National Elf Service and holds it up) is my favourite one of all. The National Elf Service means that we all pay just a little so that any Elf, no matter what their place in life is, can have proper medical care for free from the day theyre born. George: That must be expensive!
Pitsky: It would be much more expensive if we all paid for it ourselves, like they do in America. And we only paid what we could afford Mister Claus, he paid half his salary every year and he didnt mind! George: Half his salary! I suppose you want me to pay in half of mine too, hmm? Pitsky: If youd be so kind. George: (sniffs) Hmph! I dont think that will be happening! Why should I, a successful person, be penalised for my success? Krunsky: Youre not successful, youre a politician! George: Ah, but Im not just a politician! I ama millionaire! (George flourishes) Plotsky: A millionaire? How did you get that job? George: My father is a millionaireand my grandfather was a millionaireand so on. Im keeping the family profession alive! Dunsky: But if youve never worked for your money, how can you say youre successful? George: Quiet, you. You obviously dont understand economics. I will give you an example! You have already agreed to cut your taxes on my salary Pitsky (nonplussed): We did?
George: and as a result of the tax cuts, I will now begin creating jobs! You there! (pointing at Mitsky) What is your name? Mitsky: MMitsky, sir? George: Mitsky! Would you like a job? Mitsky: Yes, Mr Osborne sir! George: You will be my new head of security! You will help me, as the company owner, ensure I keep what is mine. Pick up that rifle! Mitsky (with growing confidence, relishing authority): Yes, Mister Osborne sir! (He picks up the rifle) George (addressing the room): These so-called presents were made on company time by company labour! The belong to the companys owner that is, me! We must meet our bottom line and we must meet it by any means necessary a task made all the more urgent by the huge tax cuts we must now pay for! These extravagant public services must be sold off to make ends meet. I assure you, these are very difficult choices -- you are lucky I am here to make them on your behalf. (George gathers up the boxes and carries them off stage. Mitsky brandishes his toy rifle wildly at his fellow Elves, guarding his masters exit.) (The Elves stand on stage, shocked.) Trotsky: We cant stand for this. We need to organize!
All the other Elves except Mitsky: Thats a great idea, Trotsky! George (from offstage): All of you, get back to work! Trotsky, whispering: Meet me tonight in the back room of the Sleigh and Reindeer! (The Elves return to work, Mitsky standing guard over them with his toy rifle.)
Scene Two (A pub back room. All the Elves except Mitsky are talking to one another. Trotsky is on his own, writing in a notebook. Pitsky is standing and preparing to speak.) Pitsky: Fellow Elves! All the other Elves: (cheering) Pitsky: George Osborne is taking away the fruits of our hard work! All the other Elves: Yeah! Pitsky: Hes taking away support from sick people! All the other Elves: Boo! Pitsky: Hes selling off the National Elf Service the best thing we ever made for ourselves! All the other Elves: Never! Pitsky: And all to make us pay for a recession he and his millionaire friends caused! All the other Elves: Yeah! (chanting) Tories Tories Tories! Out out out! Tories Tories Tories! Out out out!
Pitsky: This never happened in the old days! All the other Elves: No! Pitsky: We want things back how they were? What do we want? All the other Elves: Santa back! Pitsky: When do we want him? All the other Elves: Now! (Trotsky looks quizzical) Pitsky: What do we want? All the other Elves except Trotsky: Santa back! Pitsky: When do we want him? All the other Elves except Trotsky: Now! Pitsky: What do we want? Trotsky (stands up raises his hand): Hang on a minute.
Pitsky: What is it, Trotsky? Trotsky: When Santa was around, we were working most of the year for him, not for each other. The only day he did proper work was Christmas Eve the rest of the year, he just supervised and put in publicity appearances at shopping centres! Dunsky: Trotskys right! Maybe Santa paid half his wages into the National Elf Service Krunsky: but all the money for his wages came from work we were doing! Plotsky: We dont need any bosses! We can run the whole workshop ourselves! All the Elves: Hooray! Krunsky: Wait, wait, waitwhat about Mitsky and his rifle? (a pause) Trotsky: Its a toy rifle. We make toys. All of the other Elves: Oh, right! Pitsky: Its decided, then! Tomorrow morning, we confront George Osborne and take back whats rightfully ours! What do we want?
All of the other Elves: Christmas! Pitsky: When do we want it? All of the other Elves: Now! (All of the Elves march offstage, chanting) The pixies, united, will never be defeated! The pixies, united, will never be defeated...!
Scene Three (George Osborne paces back and forth in a workshop empty save for himself and Mitsky, who watches out the window, his rifle slung over his back) George Osborne: A strike! The pernicious temerity! I shall...I shall... (He goes to a desk and begins writing a note) I shall revoke their freedom of speech! I...George Gideon Oliver Osborne...do hereby...withdraw the rights...of free speech, freedom to organise, and freedom to assemble...from my workers. There! That should do it! Mitsky, any change? Mitsky: (Mitsky shakes his head) Mmmph mmph mmph! George Osborne: You can speak, Mitsky, you're in the service of the management. Mitsky: They're continuing to speak, assemble and organise, Mr Osborne sir! George Osborne: Ingrates! I have given them so much! Employment, salaries, their precious National Elf Service... (Mitsky looks nonplussed) Do you have a comment, Elf? Mitsky: Well sir, well. We...they...we had all those things when Santa was here, sir. And we made them for ourselves, sir, through the work we did. Sir. And that was yesterday. Sir. (A beat, then Mitsky salutes smartly)
George Osborne: Ah, but of course. But I, in my benevolence, allowed your jobs to continue. In this time of financial crisis I am a job creator! You see, Elf... (He turns toward the audience. It's time for a soliloquy!) The work you do, for me, allows...no, not allows. You see, I am the enterpreneur. The enterpreneur creates the work you do! And since I've created the work, have I not then created the wealth? Therefore the work you do for me returns that wealth to me. And my employees will sell our toys, for me, so the money will come back to me. Then I pay you out of that wealth, in my generosity but not mere generosity, no! For my largess, I expect you to work harder, for me, so more wealth comes to me, and every day, around and around, more money for me, more profits for me. And that is how we grow the econo...me! I shall address the workers! They will recognise the absurdity of their struggle! (He approaches the window and leans out) Elves! For the time being, the gates are open! But in ten minutes, unless you drop your ludicrous demands, we will lock them. It will be...a lock-out! (To Mitsky) There, you see? They're talking amongst themselves already. Preparing their submission, I imagine. As Ed Miliband once said to me, don't you know, these strikes are wrong while negotiations are still going on... FX: The sound of a gate swinging open, then slamming shut. The distant sound of marching feet builds. George Osborne: What was that noise? Mitsky: Sir, sounded like history being made, sir. (The other elves march in, chanting)
Elves: Whose workshop? Our workshop! Whose toys? Our toys! George Osborne: Mitsky, to arms! (Mitsky stands in front of the assembled elves, and takes aim. The other Elves halt and all but Trotsky put their hands up.) Trotsky: (a beat) Toy rifle, remember? Toy rifle! The other elves: Ohh, right! Pitsky: Get him, lads! (A brief struggle, which George Osborne stays out of. Pitsky seizes Mitsky's rifle and Mitsky puts his hands up.) George Osborne: You don't know what you're getting yourselves into, elves. You don't have the managerial talent or the business sense! You need me to run the workshop! You need a boss! (Pitsky points the rifle at Osborne) There is of course always room for cool heads to negotiate. Let's sit down, together, as partners, and reach a...Security Elf, defend me, now! Mitsky: (To Osborne) It's a toy rifle, Mister Osborne. That's all it ever was, just an empty threat. The power was never in your hands, Mister Osborne, not really. It was with the elves all along. You need them you need us and we don't need you.
(To the other Elves) Lads, I was confused. I was scared for my welfare and my well-being. And I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Krunsky: We need more experienced hands to run the workshop, but I'll be keeping a close eye on you. Pitsky: Osborne, your time is up! We don't need bosses and we don't need baronets! You are redundant! George: You Elves have conspired against me from the beginning. But I am not defeated! I shall fly my private jet to warmer climes. Perhaps in Africa or Asia I will find workers more in need of my enterpreneurial magic. I take my leave! (Osborne, holding back tears, walks out. Pitsky stands up on a chair and addresses the cheering Elves.) Pitsky: Victory! The factory is ours! The National Elf Service is saved! No bosses, just ourselves! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a... Trotsky: Hang on a minute. (All eyes turn to Trotsky, speaking from the floor.) Trotsky: Osborne's left us but he's still out there, and so are all his rich friends. We've freed the North Pole but what can we do with just the North Pole? We're one very advanced workshop in a barren wasteland of ice and walruses! Plotsky: I like walruses.
Krunsky: Plotsky, hush! Trotsky: We depend on the rest of the world for food, for raw materials, for a place to distribute our toys. And don't we owe it to the rest of the world to help them free themselves the way we've learned to? (He turns toward the audience) The best little boys and girls all know we have more in common with each other, whether we're factory workers or teachers, electricians or street sweepers, humans or Elves, than any of us do with George Osborne and the rest of the bosses. And we all want the same things: a decent job, a home, public services like education and health care, food on the table, and tin soldiers and toy horses at Christmas. With the whole world working together, we can make these things together. So join a union in your workplace, and get active. Organise in your community. And join a revolutionary political party that's the best tool ever made for changing the whole world. And then everyone, everywhere, can have a merry Christmas. Now let's sing! All the Elves: (To the tune of Deck the Halls) See the way the workers won Fa la la la la, la la la la! Got George Osborne on the run! Fa la la la la, la la la la! Bosses gave us no solution Fa la la, la la la, la la la! Time for Christmas Revolution
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
Christmas toys for you and me Fa la la la la, la la la la! Coal for all the bourgeoisie Fa la la la la, la la la la! Now that you've enjoyed our caper, Fa la la, last fight let us face Would you like to buy a paper? Fa la la unites the human race!
-End-

How The Elves Won Christmas - A Socialist Pantomime in One Act

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