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Written by Nick Lang, Matt Lang, and Brian Holden Songs by Clark Baxtresser, Pierce Siebers, and AJ Holmes

Additional Songs by Darren Criss Based on the books by J.K. Rowling

This script has been released for private viewing only. We sincerely ask that you do not produce this show in any way. As a policy, StarKid Productions does not permit any other group to perform their parody work.

A dark stage; we hear the ding of an elevator as it comes to a stop. An Elevetor Voice says... ELEVATOR VOICE: Bottom Floor. The Department of Mysteries. LUNA: Lumos. (lights up on LUNA LOVEGOOD, her wand drawn; she exits the elevator) NEVILLE: Luna! Wait for me! (NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM enters from the elevator, out of breathe) LUNA: Come on Neville! NEVILLE: Sorry. Its a nervous tick; I slow down whenever I have to hurry up. LUNA: Wow, were here. The Department of Mysteries. Isnt it wonderful? All the worlds most mysterious and magical anomalies in one booby-trapped labyrinth. I wanna see the Room of Death! (she takes out a small pink camera) Smile Neville! (she snaps a pic, the flash goes off)

NEVILLE: Can we just find the rest of the DA? Before the Death Eaters (gulp) find us! LUNA: Oh yeah, were here on a mission. The very last of the Death Eaters broke in and we gotta catch em! Maybe I should turn my flash off. (the flash flashes again) Oops! Thatll be a good one! (Neville panics and jumps into her arms) NEVILLE: Ahh! LUNA: Neville, dont be such a guppy. Whats the worst that could happen? NEVILLE: We could get caught by Death Eaters. LUNA: I think you mean: get killed by the Death Eaters. That would be a lot worse. NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear. SONG-THE END LUNA: It's been a long time coming But tonight is the end of the war my friend Tomorrow only one side will remain

We will win or we will lose the fight, either way it's the end, no use to pretend It's the final show, we gotta go, meet our destiny! THIS IS THE END (Luna and Neville are suddenly surrounded by DEATH EATERS, they close in and grab the kids ) NEVILLE: Oh no! Death Eaters! LUNA: Be merciful and kill us quickly! (FENRIR GREYBACK slowly stalks his way into the room) FENRIR: Well, well, well. Luna Lovegood and Neville Schlong-bottom. LUNA: Gasp. Fenrir Greyback. (She snaps a picture) DEATH EATER #1: Should we kill them now, sir? FENRIR: Oh these two little piggies are gonna make a yummy snack, but not yet. For now theyll serve as hostages. The rest of Dumbledores Army must be here somewhere. NEVILLE: You wont get away with this, you villains! FENRIR: Oh really? You DA brats have been a thorn in our side all through your sixth year at Hogwarts, but tonight we reclaim the ultimate weapon and the Death Eaters will rise again. Dolohov! DEATH EATER #2: Yes master. (bringing Fenrir a small pouch) FENRIR: The Department of Mysteries is protected by the most arcane and powerful spells. Thats why the weapon was hidden from us for all these years. But now that were inside the medallion should work. (he removes the Horcrux-Seeking Medallion from the pouch and listens to it) This way! (Fenrir heads off and the Death Eaters follow, dragging Luna and Neville along through the winding, cluttered halls of the department; along the way we see various weird things, like a tank of brains and the Ark of the Covenant) DEATH EATERS: Your time is running out Where is your hero now You can look everywhere but he's nowhere to be found DEATH EATER 1: You look to your right DEATH EATERS: You're not gonna find him! DEATH EATER 1: You look to your left DEATH EATERS: he's not even there! don't even try he doesn't care about you he's moved ooooon he's gone he's gone he's gone! THIS IS THE END

(Fenrir, the Death Eaters, and the kids reach a safe amidst the piles of mysterious objects; Fenrir holds the medallion to the safe, then his ear) FENRIR: Here it is. Macnair! (he summons MACNAIR, a large Death Eater wielding an axe; Macnair brings his axe down on the safe, cracking it into pieces; inside the safe is a small DIARY; Fenrir picks it up) Yes At last! AT LAST! Finally, the ultimate artifact of evil is within my grasp! Now all of wizardom shall fall to the Dark Mark! You two, however, wont be around for the show. (he approaches Neville and Luna, licking his lips) Ive been working so hard on this evil plan all year, Ive worked up quite an appetite. Its time for a little weirdo sandwich with extra mo-RON! RON: Did somebody say Ron? (a Death Eater removes his mask and is revealed to be none other than RON WEASLEY in disguise) FENRIR: What?! No, I said morLUNA & NEVILLE: Ron! RON: Stupify! FENRIR: Argh! (Fenrir is hit by the spell and throws the diary into the air. Ron catches it) RON: YES! Come on guys, lets get outta here! (Ron pushes over the tank of brains, flooding the stage and entire theatre with slimy, green, brain-filled water; the strange brains begin to ensnare the Death Eaters, allowing the kids to make a break for it) RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: Of all the fighting RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: The people dying RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: The curtain's closing RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end

RON: The final showing RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: This is the end RON: This is going to be the best scene in the whole show RON, NEVILLE & LUNA: this is the end (Ron, Neville and Luna run through the various rooms of the department, as they enter each different chamber the Elevator Voice announces its name. The kids dash into a room at the end of a corridor. The Elevator Voice announces) ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Time. RON: Alright, were supposed to meet Hermione in here! (HERMIONE GRANGER rushes into the room, also dressed as a Death Eater) HERMIONE: Ron! There you are! (Luna grabs Nevilles arm) LUNA: Neville! A Death Eater! Protect me! NEVILLE: (singing) This is my moment This is my time Ill impress Luna, Then shell be mine (speaking) Take this you Death Eater! (Neville runs to Hermione and begins beating her mercilessly) THIS IS FOR MY FAMILY! HERMIONE: AH! My nose! RON: Neville stop! Thats Hermione! Thats my girlfriend! (Ron pulls Neville off Hermione) NEVILLE: Oh, d-d-d-dear RON: Hermione, are you okay? LUNA: Wow Neville! That was really cool! Ive always wanted to punch Hermione in the face! HERMIONE: Oh goddammit! I think my nose got broken! (she points her wand at her face) Reparo! Tell me Ron, whats the damage? (Hermione removes the Death Eater mask) RON: Woah Hermione, dont be scared but you look hot. HERMIONE: Oh no! There goes all my credibility as an intellecreally!? RON: Yeah! Look in this mirror! (Ron gives Hermione a hand mirror) HERMIONE: Gasp! It didnt break! Well, I may look different, but you guys should just treat me like Im the same old Hermione you know and love. (she turns and addresses the audience) And that goes for you all too. (Hermione winks and flashes a winning smile. The audience chuckles and accepts her at once. She then notices the diary Ron is carrying) Ron, is that a book? Ive never seen you with one of those before! RON: Its a diary. (he hands it to her) Were trying to keep it away from the Death Eaters! LUNA: And its really fun! (DEATH EATER #3 enters and heads toward the kids) DEATH EATER #3: RAWR! RON, LUNA, HERMIONE, & NEVILLE: Death Eater! (the kids run)

HERMIONE: It's been a long time coming But tonight is the end of the war my friend Tomorrow only one side will remain ALL: This is the end -our time is running out This is the end Where is our hero now This is the end He is nowhere to be found This is the end of all the fighting This is the end The people dying This is the end There's no trying to deny it's gonna be us or them This is the end This is the end This is the end This is the end This is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end this is the end THIS IS THE END (Eventually the chase leads Hermione, Luna, Ron and Neville to The Room of Death. The Death Eaters surround the kids.) ELEVATOR VOICE: Welcome to: the Room of Death. LUNA: Oh boy wow! Look at this veil! Whats beyond it? (Luna pulls back the veil and looks in) Oh! It leads to hell! Hi! (Luna waves at the many demons of hell and snaps a picture. The Death Eaters grab the kids.) FENRIR: Finally caught up with you meddlesome stinkers! Now hand over that diary, you nerd! (he grabs Hermione, attempting to rip the diary from her hands) Struggle all you like! (more Death Eaters fill the room, surrounding the kids) HERMIONE: No! Get away! NEVILLE: Hermione! (he points to an archway as it fills with blinding light) Its H- HHERMIONE: Neville, help me! NEVILLE: Its (he continues to point as the light grows brighter, now Fenrir notices it as well) FENRIR: Oh no. Not him NEVILLE: Its Harry Potter! (suddenly the silhouette of HARRY POTTER fills the archway, he raises his wand to the surrounding Death Eaters) HARRY: Expelliarmus! (the Death Eaters wands are cast aside and they begin to scramble in terror) FENRIR: Where are you going, you cretins!? Hes just a child (Harry emerges from the archway, a full-grown teen wiz-kid)

HARRY: Im not a child anymore. Im seventeen years old. Happy Birthday to me. And what better present than the last of the Death Eaters, all conveniently in the same place, wrapped in a big bow. You made a mistake coming here tonight, Fenrir. FENRIR: You arrogant little--HARRY: Youve been trying to kill me all year and now you threaten my friends?! Lets finish this. (he raises his wand) FENRIR: As you wish. (he lashes out with his wand) Avada Kedavra! HARRY: (he dodges Fenrirs spell and shoots one of his own) Jelly Legs Jinx! FENRIR: Woah! Woah! My legs are jell (Fenrir stumbles backwards and falls through the veil to hell) WAHHHHH!!! (he is gone) DEATH EATER #1: Lets get out of here! (the Death Eaters scatter to the doors and archways in the room, making their escape) HERMIONE: Harry! The rest of the Death Eaters are getting away! HARRY: Oh no theyre not. (before the Death Eaters can escape, the doors to the chamber burst open) WIZARD COP#1: Freeze motherf*cker, were the Wizard Cops!! (THE WIZARD COPS rush in to save the day, their wands drawn) RON, HERMIONE, LUNA & NEVILLE: The wizard cops! (the Wizard Cops push the Death Eaters to the floor, hand cuffing each and every last one) WIZARD COP#2: On the ground! On the ground! (the Death Eaters are beat. Just then, KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT enters) KINGSLEY: Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it again yall. HERMIONE: Kingsley Shacklebolt, the Minister of Magic! KINGSLEY: And chief of the wizard cops. Well, now that yall saved the world and rounded up the last of these Dark Magic turkeys, I gotta ask: Why the HELL cant you kids just let me do my job for once?! HERMIONE: Mr. Shacklebolt, you dont understand! We had to stop the Death Eaters! Harry was having these visions KINGSLEY: Yeah, I already heard the whole story from your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Hes the one that gave us the call to come down here tonight. Come on in Alastor! (MAD-EYE MOODY enters) MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello, hello. KIDS: Mad Eye Moody! MAD-EYE MOODY: Thats right. That was some fine work you done here, Potter. I taught you well. HARRY: Thanks Professor. MAD-EYE MOODY: And you defeated Fenrir Greyback did you? RON: He sure did. MAD-EYE MOODY: Nice. Very nice. HERMIONE: Looks like the Death Eaters were after this. (she holds up the diary) But we managed to keep it away from them. MAD-EYE MOODY: And its a good thing you did, Miss Granger. If the Death Eaters were to get a hold of that then the entire world would be in jeopardy. You best hand that over to me now. Ill keep it nice and safe. (he reaches for the diary, but Harry intercepts it) HARRY: Oh, Im sure you would Professor Moody, or should I say Barty Crouch! (Panicked, MAD-EYE MOODY rips off his mad-eye revealing himself to actually be the villainous BARTY CROUCH JR.)

BARTY CROUCH: Blimme! (Barty grabs Kingsley and puts a gun to his head) No one move a goddamn muscle you hear me!? Drop the wands. (everyone freezes and drops their weapons) So Potter, how long have you known it was me? HARRY: Ive had my suspicions for a while. It was briefly mentioned Mad Eye Moody died during my second year, but I wasnt sure it was you until tonight. Now youre gonna answer for you crimes, Farty Couch. BARTY CROUCH: Oh yeah? Ive got a better idea! Me and Mr. Shacklebolt are gonna make our way to the Floo Network, and were going on nice little trip, and none of you jive-ass bobbies is gonna follow! You dig!? (this infuriates the Wizard Cops, but Kingsley motions for them to calm down) KINGSLEY: Chill my wizard-cats. We dig Mood-Eye. We dig. (Barty begins to drag Kingsley away) HARRY: Oh Barty, if youre going on a vacation I know a first rate hotel that offers free bodyguard service and meals. It has every amenity. One could live there. BARTY CROUCH: Oh, Im sure they require reservations. HARRY: Nope. You dont need one for Hotel Azkaban! BARTY CROUCH: Thats enough out of you Potter; you self-righteous son of a bitch. (he points his gun at Harry) Avada Kedavra! Huh? (Nothing happens. This is because a gun is not a wand and cannot shoot spells. Hermione picks up her wand and aims it at Barty) HERMIONE: Stupify! (Barty falls backwards, out for the count; Kingsley is free) BARTY CROUCH: AHHHHHHH!!!! KIDS: Yey! KINGSLEY: That was some quick thinking. You just saved my life. But that still doesnt excuse what you kids did here tonight. Breaking into the Department of Mysteries, flying threshals right through the Queens Day parade. You kittens may think Dumbledores Army can take on the world, but yall should have called us the second you heard some funky shit was going down here tonight! HARRY: Sorry Kingsley, just didnt have the time. KINGSLEY: You know what Potter!? Youre a hot-shot loose cannon! Its that kind of maverick attitude that makes you perfect for the Wizard Cops! KIDS: Wow! KINGSLEY: So what do you say HP, you ready to join the force and take a bite out of crime? HARRY: Id love to. But I cant.

KINGSLEY: And why the HELL not!? HARRY: Cause Im going back to Hogwarts. Senior year starts September first. KINGSLEY: Haha. Well dang HP, youre right. Its a shame though; you wouldve made one wizard-goddamn, wizard-hell of a wizard-cop. Alright boys, pack these suckers up! (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops start taking the Death Eaters away; Harry stuffs the diary into his pocket and picks Barty up off the floor) HARRY: Beaten again. You Death Eaters never learn. Your Dark Lords been dead for five years. Why do you guys keep hanging on to something thats over? BARTY CROUCH: Well, if its over for me then its over for you too, Potter. All you are is someone who fights us. When were gone the world wont need a hero. And soon, youll be forgotten. If the Dark Lord cant live forever, then neither can you. HARRY: (Harry looks a Barty for a moment, then pushes him towards the Wizard Cops) Take him away.


Lights up on The Burrow, the home of the Weasley family; the house is small and messy, on the wall hangs a sign that reads Burrow, Sweet Burrow. MOLLY WEASLEY enters in a huff MOLLY: Rise and shine, Weasleys! Its September 1st and you know what that means! You little knuckleheads better be packed and ready to leave for school after breakfast! (GINNY WEASLEY enters) GINNY: Hi, mom! Have you seen my boyfriend, Harry Potter? MOLLY: No dear, I havent dear. Ive got all these extra kids staying at the house! Bills wife. Rons girlfriend! Harrys girlfriend! Im swamped! Would you go and wake everyone up for me? GINNY: You got it mom! (GINNY walks up a crooked staircase to the bedroom, where she finds RON sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly strumming a guitar and singing with his meager voice) GINNY: Heeeeeyyy Haaaaarrrryy Potter! Its time for breakfast! RON: AHH! EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING!?! Get outta my room! (RON hides his guitar from GINNY) GINNY: Its my room too Ronald! What are you doing in here anyway? RON: None of your beeswax thunder-butt! CHARLIE: Hes writing a love song for his girlfriend. (CHARLIE WEASLEY pops up from beneath the covers.) RON: Charlie! Get outta here! CHARLIE: Its my room too. FLEUR: I think its romantic! (FLEUR DELACOUR pops up from beneath the covers) RON: Fleur! BILL: I think youre romantic. (BILL WEASLEY pops up) FLEUR: Bill! (they kiss) RON: Ew! Get a room you two! BILL: This is our room! PERCY: Will you guys shut your fat faces! Its the butt-crack of dawn! (PERCY is also in the bed) BILL: Percy, youre just jealous of Ronnies girlfriend, and my beautiful wife. PERCY: As if! Argh! Im gonna go sleep out in the garden! At least the gnomes are quiet!

RON: Percy! Dont go out there! Hermiones reading in the garden! PERCY: So? Why isnt she in here with you, Mr. Perfect?! CHARLIE: Yeah, whats up Ron? Why didnt Hermione crawl into bed with us last night? BILL, FLEUR, GINNY: Yeah? RON: Well, she was up late reading. We havent been spending too much time together cause shes really into these young adult novels lately. (Percy storms out of the room) RON: Thats what the guitar is for. I thought I could sweep Hermione off her feet if I wrote her a song. Im just trying to get her to kiss me again. CHARLIE: Well, when was the last time she kissed you? RON: Let me think Um Yeah. It was that first time. FLEUR: Ron, as someone whos so very happy in love, I have advice for. Just how you say?... Be yourself! GINNY: Yeah Ron! Thats what girls want. Not love songs or cheesy compliments or surprise presents. (just then HARRY literally surfs into the room on a heart shaped guitar, being held up by enchanted rose pedals. He aims a real bow and arrow at GINNY, as though he were cupid, but misses and pierces RON in the leg.) RON: AHRGH! (HARRY then surfs onto the bed and flips the guitar into the air. He sings) HARRY: Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, youre my lover, oh yeah! I love you Ginny Weasely! Youre the most magical creature Ive ever seen! Surprise! A present! (he pulls out the Diary from the Department of Mysteries with a bow on it) GINNY: AHHHHHHH! HARRY POTTER, YOURE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER! A diary!?!? Oh boy!


HARRY: Yup. Those Death Eaters arent using it anymore so I figured Id give it to you as a going back to Hogwarts gift. GINNY: Oh, Harry Potter! Its perfect! Im going to go write in it right away! (She exits) HARRY: Hey Ron. Hey Weasleys! WEASLEYS: Hey good buddy! HARRY: Guys, thanks for letting me stay at the Burrow all summer. RON: No problem pal. Sorry you had to share a bed with Ginny the whole time. It must be weird sleeping with your girlfriend. HARRY: No. It was weird that your mom was there too. And you. And your whole family. All in one bed. You guys are so poor. RON: Yeah You all packed for Hogwarts? HARRY: Yep. I got my invisibility cloak, that piece of the mirror Sirius gave me, and my talk boy. But what I cant find is my lucky snitch. RON: You mean the one Dumbledore left you when he died? HARRY: Yeah, have you guys seen it? It has an inscription on the side of it that says I open at the close, whatever that means. BILL: Oh, I think I saw that behind Fleurs ear! (Bills pulls the Snitch out from behind Fleurs ear) FLEUR: Bill! You did a magic! (they kiss. Then Bill, Fleur and Charlie exit.) RON: Man. Im surrounded by people kissing. Bill and Fleur. You kiss Ginny. I wanna do that too! HARRY: Dude, shes your sister, just ask her. RON: Gross! No, I mean with Hermione. HARRY: Gross! (just then Hermione enters, sighing and closing her copy of the book Mockingjay) HERMIONE: Oh wow. Our young depressed heroine reluctantly settles for the doughy boy next door. And although she had some kids, I like to think she was still unfulfilled. Another perfect end to another perfect young adult novel series. The Hunger Games, by Gilderoy Lockheart; hes such a genius! HARRY: Whos Gilderoy Lockheart? HERMIONE: Whos Gilderoy Lockheart!? Hes only my favorite author and idol! Hes like the most talented, famous, beautiful wizard ever! Hes given the world so many wonderful young adult novels. The Twilight Saga. The Hunger Games. Percy Jackson and whatever he did. HARRY: Twilight? Oh, I heard about that. I dont like how those books objectify men. HERMIONE: Oh yeah hot stuff! Have you ever read them!? Have you ever read a book!? HARRY: No! Have you ever not read a book? HERMIONE: No! I just cant stand people who dont read. Ron, are you almost done with the Hunger Games? I gave you the first book weeks ago. RON: UhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhYeah. Yes. I did. It was good. It was a good game. HERMIONE: Oh really? What is it about? RON: Uhhhhhh.Its about a. umuh hungry! uhhh withholding girl who wont KISS HER BOYFRIEND!! HERMIONE: You did read it! GINNY: Hey guys! I already told my diary so now Im gonna tell you! Breakfast is ready! Come on! (They walk downstairs to the dining room. The table is set. BILL, FLUER & THE OTHER WEASLEYS enter)


FLEUR: Bon jour, Weasleys! PERCY: Yeah, sorry my girlfriend couldnt be here everyone, but the wifi isnt working. BILL: Percy, you dont have a girlfriend. PERCY: EAT IT, CREEPO! BILL: Booger Butt! MOLLY: Boys, stop it! Arthur say something! They dont respect me! ARTHUR: Bill! Dont call your brother names! Percy! Dont lie to the family, it hurts your poor mother! Look shes crying! MOLLY: Ill be fine! Im just so sad that this is the last meal we have with these boys before they leave me for a whole year! (she rushes over to Harry and Ron and pulls them in tight) I cant wait until youre all done with Hogwarts so you can just move back in here! Like all my other children! Even Fred came back from the dead as a ghost to stay at home! (FRED floats up through the table) FRED: The light I can see the light its my time to move on now looks like I wont be able to do the dishesPercy will have to cover for me (chuckles from the rest of the Weasleys) MOLLY: Oh Fred, knock it off. And get out of the table! (GEORGE comes from around the corner with a sheet over his head and eye holes cut out.) GEORGE: But Im Fred! MOLLY: George!!! HAHAHAHA! (Everyone laughs raucously except PERCY) PERCY: Thats not funny. (he laughs a little bit though) MOLLY: That includes you Harry! The second youre done with Hogwarts youre more than welcome to move right in here! HARRY: Golly, thats really nice of you Mrs. Weasley. MOLLY: So ARE YOU MOVING IN OR NOT? HARRY: Um, I dont know. I guess I never thought about life after Hogwarts. Its the only home Ive ever known. I cant even imagine leaving it behind. BILL: Well you dont have to worry about that yet, Harry. Youve still got your whole senior year. ARTHUR: Speaking of senior year! Ive got a present for you Ronnie my boy! Its a Weasley family tradition! Here you go son, the keys to the flying car! WEASLEYS: YEH! ARTHUR: Yep! Youre going to Hogwarts in style! And you can have it all year son! HARRY & RON: This is gonna be the best year ever! ARTHUR: It sure is! Cheers Everyone! To senior year! EVEYONE: To senior year! (they all clink glasses) SONG- SENIOR YEAR RON: (singing) Were going back to Hogwarts for the very last time HERMIONE: our final year, at last its here, time to start our lives GINNY: and everyones excited 'bout what the future holds for you what the worlds most famous wizard is gonna get into


ALL: well were going back today in the very same old way tell me Harry, cant you hear its gonna be your year Its a VERY POTTER SENIOR YEAR They hear the Honk! Honk! of the Flying Car as it magically pulls up outside RON: (speaking) Come on guys! Lets hop in the flying car and get outa here! WEASLEYS: Bye! ARTHUR: I love you so much! Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny pile into the Flying Car and take off for Hogwarts RON: (singing) I never thought that we would get this far But we made it, we're on top of the world! ALL: (We're on top of the world) RON: I feel unstoppable, I'm super-charged ALL: It's contagious that's for sure (We're on top of the world)

HERMIONE: Well have some cool new spells to learn And were gonna earn good grades GINNY: Youre gonna spend lotsa time with me And this is gonna be The very best year! ALL: The very best year! ALL: Its a very potter senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! ALL: It's a very Potter Senior Year! HARRY:


Somethings on the horizon And I know that something is me Ive been realizin Theres no one else Id rather be than me you know I'm gonna rule the school RON: Just remember when you need a friend Our friendship never ends I'll be there GINNY & HERMIONE: (We're at your side) HERMIONE: Don't forget I got a hand to lend You don't have to pretend Anymore GINNY & RON: (No don't do that) HARRY: Cause you're the very best friends to me and this is gonna be the very best year! ALL: The very best year! ALL: Its a very potter senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: Ill be the king of the school, RON: Oh man it's gonna rule! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the last time RON: We gotta make it count, HARRY: That's what I'm all about! GINNY & HERMIONE: This is the magic HARRY & RON: Of growing up and showing up for ALL:


Senior year GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: And soon all the fun Will be over and done GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the last time HARRY: Its hard to pretend That Im not scared of the end GINNY, RON & HERMIONE: This is the magic HARRY: There must be something more But I should get ready for my seniorALL: senior year! Senior year! Were not just kids anymore! Senior year! Senior year! Better than ever before! (this is the last time) It's a Very Potter Senior Year! Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny look out their windshield to see HOGWARTS off in the distance; its glorious. RON: Well, there she is. Hogwarts. Welcome home Harry. HARRY: Okay Ron, just land in that courtyard over there so everyone can see how cool we look. RON: You got it buddy. (as they descend the ride becomes very turbulent) HARRY: Ron, keep her steady man. Dont hit the Whomping Willow or anything. RON: Okay, dude, Im trying! Uh oh! Were going down! Hold on! HARRY: TO WHAT!? KIDS: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! (they crash)


Lights up on the smoking wreckage of the Flying Car, which has crashed into the Herbology Room of Hogwarts; completely destroying it HARRY: Woah. Wipe out. HERMIONE: Ron, look what you did!


HARRY: Hey, at least we crashed into the Herbology Room. I always hated that class. (the Flying Car suddenly comes to life once more and drives off) RON: Hey! Hey! Where are you going?! HARRY: No, Ron, your cars got the right idea. Lets get outta here before we get in really big trouble. (suddenly MINERVA MCGONAGALL enters) MCGONAGALL: Oh, in the name of stuffy, old ninnies everywhere, whats all the hubbub in here POTTER!? KIDS: Professor McGonagall! MCGONAGALL: Look what youve done to greenhouse! An entire crop of Mandrakes destroyed! Itll take all year to grow another! And look! You killed Professor Sprout! Youd better have a jolly good explanation for all this or, so help me, youll be expelled so fast your head will spin-spin like a Fizzing Fancy!

HARRY: Guys, lemme take care of this. Professor, this isnt what it looks like. We couldnt have destroyed the Herbology room, you see because it was like this when we got here. MCGONAGALL: Potter, I know I may not be as hip as Dumbledore was but Im the Headmaster of this school now. I consider myself a very reasonable uptight-bitch but if you expect me to believe that cockamamie excuse then youve got another thing coming! RON: But its true! MCGONAGALL: Im sorry, but if you havent got a witness to back up your story then its out of my hands, Potter. (just then, DRACO MALFOY struts into the room) DRACO: Well, well, well What a fine opportunity that has fallen from the sky straight into my diapered lap. HARRY: Malfoy! DRACO: How fortuitous that I happened to be exploring the next room with my bilingual friend Dora (Draco holds up a Dora the Explora doll), when I witnessed the entire goings on of what happened here tonight. MCGONAGALL: Oh thank goodness, Draco. Can you please clear up this whole mess? DRACO: Indeed I can. But before I do, I just want to point out to Mr. Potter how I now hold his fate in the palm of my tiny hand. RON: Malfoy, you little shit DRACO: And I can safely say, Headmaster, that these fellows are entirely innocent. MCGONAGALL, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE & GINNY: What?!


MCGONAGALL: Well, then whos responsible for this severe property damage? DRACO: Isnt it obvious? (to his Dora the Explora doll) Sorry old friend. (turns to McGonagall) It was Dora. MCGONAGALL: Miss Explora! I am shocked! Well youre coming with me. DRACO: Looks like this is where our adventure ends Dora. I really did love you. (Draco puts his hand over his mouth and makes a small Dora voice) Te amo tambien, y lo siento MCGONAGALL: You kids had better head off to the Great Hall or youll miss the welcoming feast. Spit spot! Off you go! (she exits) RON: (wiping sweat from his brow) Shwew. That was a close one. HARRY: Alright, Malfoy, whats the deal? DRACO: What? Surprised how I could pin your crime on that saucy tart? Im not denying it, I did sleep with her; but shes been seeing my Paddington Bear behind my back for weeks now. Ill have to settle up with him one of these days; hes had his own way for far too long. You see Potter, its very dangerous to be one of my enemies. Thats why its a good thing that were friends. HARRY: Yeah right. Ill never be your friend Malfoy. Come on guys. (the kids head out of the Herbology room and make their way through the halls of Hogwarts) DRACO: Oh come now, surely you chaps must remember all the good times weve had during our school years together. Like when we battled Professor Quirell and I destroyed that last horcrux. Or how about when I traveled back in time to our first year to save you from my evil father? HARRY: No, I dont really remember that cause I was 11. DRACO: Well, certainly you cant have forgotten our third year?! The most memorable and beloved one, when we all went to Pigfarts! I did a lot of really important stuff that year; and there were so many songs and good clean jokes and nobody swore. HARRY: Oh yeah, I remember F*ck that year. DRACO: Weve only got one more year together, chums. What do you say we finally burry the hatchet and enjoy these, the best days of our lives, together, as good friends should? HARRY: Whatever, Malfoy. Just butt out. RON: As in, get your poopy butt outta here! DRACO: Alright, dudes. Until next time, hang loose! (he exits as Harry and the gang reach THE GREAT HALL; kids flood the stage and there is a great hustle and bustle; SEAMUS FINNIGAN and DEAN THOMAS enter) SEAMUS: Bloody nuts, its Harry Potter. HARRY: Seamus. (he hugs Seamus) Dean, gimme some skin. (he hugs Dean) DEAN: Much love. (there is the flash of a camera, COLIN CREEVEY has taken a picture of them) COLIN: Zowzers bowzers! Harry Potter! Mind a few pictures? For the school paper? HARRY: Whos this? COLIN: Colin Creevey, sir. First year. I just got sorted into Gryffindor House, and Im a huge fan! HARRY: Is that so? Thats what I like to hear. Hey, be sure to get one of just me. (Harry poses) COLIN: Jillickers! Sure! (Colin snaps another picture) (just then NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK floats by) NICK: Boo! Did I frighten you Gryffindors?


RON: Are you kidding, Nearly-Headless Nick?! Gryffindor is the house of the free and the home of the brave! NICK: Thats what I like to hear! See you at my Death-Day Party, will I? HARRY: I wouldnt miss it for the world. HERMIONE: Sounds intellectually stimulating! NICK: Good show! (he floats away) COLIN: Well, Im off to the dark-room to develop these shots. Wow! I still cant believe Im in the same house as THE Harry Potter! (he exits) HARRY: I can tell that boy has a long and illustrious career ahead of him. (as all the kids head to their tables/benches, McGonagall reenters and takes center stage) MCGONAGALL: Alright children! Silence! Silence! Welcome one and all to another magical year at Hogwarts! For some of you, this is your first year. For others, this is your last. But whether youre Freshmen, Seniors, or in between, I hope that you all have a lot of fun! Now, before I introduce this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I would like to present the schools newly chosen Head-Girl, Miss Cho Chang! (CHO CHANG stands) CHO: Howdy, yall! Im the Head-Girl, so come to me with all your head-needs. Or if you need any help with school and stuff! MCGONAGALL: Now I wouldve introduced this years Head-Boy, but sadly the young man who was chosen was murdered at the end of last term by Fenrir Greyback. RON: Poor fool. MCGONAGALL: Of course, we cannot leave the school Head-Boy-Less, so to fill the gap we have chosen two male students to act as candidates in the first ever Hogwarts Head-Boy Election. These two young men will campaign for the position throughout the first term, at the end of which there will be a school-wide vote. The winner, having been determined to be the most popular boy at school, will act as Head-Boy for the rest of the year. And the two candidates are Harry Potter! RON: Woo! Woo! Woo! MCGONAGALL: And Draco Malfoy! RON: Hahaha! Malfoy?! DRACO: Hmm, it is with a heavy heart that I accept this civil duty. Of course my vote will be going to Harry Potter, who I believe to be the best man for the job. HARRY: Thank you Malfoy. Ill be voting for myself as well. MCGONAGALL: You will each been be given a campaign budget of $50 KIDS: (impressed) Ooooo MCGONAGALL: Whence you have settled upon a campaign manager. HARRY: Easy. As my campaign manager I choose my very best friend whos really smart and good at organizing things Ron Weasley! DRACO: A fine choice. And for my campaign manager, I pick my most trusted underling Crabbe and Goyle. (a door opens and GOYLE walks onto the stage alone and sad) Goyle, where the devil is Crabbe? GOYLE: Hm Me and Crabbe were in the Room of Requirements We started a fire and (sigh) Crabbes dead. DRACO: Oh no I was counting on his vote. GOYLE: But its okay. I met this guy on the train who seems pretty cool. (through the door walks THE CANDY LADY pushing her trolley of candy) CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley? DRACO: Oh brimstone and broil. Shell have to do.


HARRY: This is great. For a while I was worried, but without Crabbe, Malfoy doesnt stand a chance! RON: Yeah, Harry. You got this election in the bag! (suddenly the door swings open, startling everyone, and GILDEROY LOCKHEART enters) GILDEROY: Oh, I wouldnt be so sure of that. SEAMUS: Bloody piss! Its HERMIONE: Gilderoy Lockheart! KIDS: WOOOOAAAAHHHH!!!!! GILDEROY: Yes, yes, hello ladies and ladies. (he takes Cho Changs hand and kisses it) Here, have a signed headshot. (he hands her the picture) Thatll be forty dollars. (she gives him some money) Thanks. MCGONAGALL: Children, it is my great pleasure to introduce your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher: New York Times bestseller, Tony Award winner and all around heartthrob Mr. Gilderoy Lockheart!

GILDEROY: Why thank you, Headmaster. Youre too kind for your own good, and a little too foxy for mine. (wink; McGonagall swoons) Here, have a signed copy of my country album. (Gilderoy hands her a record entitled Achey Breaky Lockheart.) Seventeen big ones please. (he takes a 20 dollar bill from her) Ill keep the change. SEAMUS: (points to Gilderoy) Thats the most famous wizard in the world that is! HARRY: Woah, guys! (stands and points to himself) I think you mean second most famous. GILDEROY: Well, Harry Potter. We meet at last. Yes, Ive heard all about your heroic deeds in the past. (they shake hands) HARRY: Yeah. Well, why dont you have a copy my country album? (Harry hands Gilderoy a record entitled Save A Horse, Ride A Cow-Boy Who Lived) On the house. GILDEROY: Oh, how generous of you. But why would I want a record thats so out of fashion?! (he throws the record to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces) KIDS: WHAT?! GILDEROY: Oh, didnt you kids hear? Harry Potter used to be cool. SEAMUS: Used to be cool? DEAN: Watchu talkin bout? GILDEROY: I guess youve all been locked up in this horrible school for so long that youve lost touch with the real magical world.


RON: But Harry just saved the real magical world from real Death Eaters. GILDEROY: Boring! How sick are we all of seeing Harry fight Death Eater after Death Eater in these long, drawn-out episodes? I mean, how many years ago did the Dark Lord die?! Five! And heres Harry Potter, still doing the same thing again and again. Look! Hes even been dating the same butter-faced girl since he was twelve! I mean, when will it end so we can move on with our lives?! SEAMUS: Yeah! HARRY: No, youre wrong Gilderoy. People love me. My adventures arent repetitive. Theyre familiar and comforting. Besides, if the whole Wizarding world isnt obsessed with Harry Potter, then who are they into now? GILDEROY: Why that would be me. Im telling you children, take one step off the grounds of Hogwarts and you know what theyll be talking about? A forbidden love between a young girl and a Dracula monster. Twilight. Now a major motion picture. (he hands a signed copy of the book to the kids) KIDS: OoooooOooo. LAVENDAR: Forbidden love. Sounds exciting! LUNA: And smutty! Wow! Harrys love story has always been an under-developed side thing. GILDEROY: And have you children ever heard the amazing tale of Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief?! KIDS: Ohhhh. LAVENDAR: Whats a Lightning Thief!? GILDEROY: I dont know Yes, the world has grown weary of Harry Potter. Hes nothing more than a passing fad! Entirely old hat. HARRY: Old hat?! OLD HAT?! Hows this for old hat? (he takes out his guitar and begins to sing) Hermione cant draw. Hermione cant draw. Hermione cannot draw (Cho stands in Hermiones defense) CHO: Harry, that song is not funny anymore. It is rude and insensitive! Making fun of Herman Granger?! How dare you! Shes my best friend! HARRY: Wha But Come on guys No one delivers classic musical hijinks like HP GILDEROY: Oh, why anyone could strum that silly old lyre! It takes a real man to tickle the ivories (Gilderoy sits down at a baby grand piano which has risen from the floor Phantomof-the-Opera style; he begins to play it as he sings) SONG- WIZARD OF THE YEAR GILDEROY: Who's wiser than a warlock, and tougher than a troll, and charming as a candy cane? Faster than a phoenix, sly as a sphinx, and always set to entertain? Here to give this sagging tale a hero to employ. Look up to the skies, now look in my eyes, it's Gilderoy!


Who's handsome as a hobbit, and manly as a mare, and always gives the girls a wink? Who's funny as a ferret, and quick as a quill, and always sings without a lip sync? Here to rid your nostrils of that dreadful Potter boy 'cause that smell in the air is the marvelous flair of scuse me, Gilderoy! Long ago lived a fellow who caught your eye, Hair that curled in a beautiful fro. Now it's gone, and replaced with a suit and tie, dancing in a variety show. Oh, where did he go? Does he even care at all? Recently, he's been acting very queer. Every day, his story grows more and more banal, And Voldemort isn't coming this year. Gilderoy is here to fill your short attention span. Why look at that wonder boy, when you could be looking at a wonder man? GIRLS: We could be looking at a wonder man! GILDEROY: Who was Wizard of the Year seven times in seven years? (spoken) Who was it? KIDS: Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Who conquered all his fears and made a bogart disappear? (spoken) go on say it! KIDS: Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Who taught a yeti how to sing? Walked in to Mordor and destroyed the ring? Battled a banshee and came out a champ? trapped Jafar inside of a lamp? Stories of wonder for each girl and boy Paperback or hardback, for you to enjoy Form an orderly line, KIDS: It's Gilderoy! (As they sings this, everyone forms a line and walks up one at a time, handing over cash for


books, headshots, pieces of lint from Gilderoy's armpits, etc) GILDEROY: Ladies one at a time! KIDS: It's Gilderoy! GILDEROY: Give me something to sign! KIDS: It's Gilderoy! GILDEROY: All sales are final. Soon the school will be mine! EVERYONE: It's Gilderoy!! (The kids laugh and cheer and follow Gilderoy out of the room; the only two people left are Harry and Ginny) HARRY: Yeah! Yeah! That song was okay. But check this out! (singing) Im Harry Freakin Potter! I dont wince at all! Im invincible from allharm (talking) Ow. Ouch. Oh man. What is this? OuchI feel something? Its not like a bummer or even a wipe out. Its like a drag, man... but worse. GINNY: Oh Harry. Dont listen to that Gilderoy. Everybody still likes you, even if no one likes you anymore. HARRY: No. Hes right. GINNY: Harry HARRY: Hes right, Ginny. Im boring. Im predictable. I keep doing the same stuff every year. Fight the same dudes. Date the same girl. Im old hat. GINNY: Well, you know what they say about an old hat! It fits like a glove! HARRY: I gotta shake things up! I gotta change everything! Stay fresh! Have a forbidden love of my own! Then people wont forget about me! Ever! Ginny, Im sorry butWe have to break up. GINNY: What? But but we love each other. Dont we? HARRY: Ginny, its not that I dont like you. Its that other people dont like me. Its nothing personal. GINNY: But I need you. My body needs you! I gave you five years of my life! HARRY: Yeah, and they were bodacious. We had some really great times. Ill never throw out any of the stuff you bought me. And Im sure youll never forget how hard I wrocked your world. GINNY: So, thats it?! Goodbye? Just like that?! HARRY: Ginny, this isnt goodbye. Its just youre cramping my style. Ginny, Im sorry. Please dont make this hard on me. GINNY: Fine! I wont Harry Potter! You suck! (Ginny runs off crying as Ron enters) HARRY: Ginny, thats not fair! You know Im self-conscious about that right now! RON: Whoa. Whats wrong with her?


HARRY: Ron, Im sorry man but I just broke up with your sister. (Ron stares at him for a moment in disbelief) RON: YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! This is the best news ever! I gotta tell you, I hated pretending to be nice to your girlfriend because I cannot stand my stupid little sister. Yes! This feels good! HARRY: Yeah, I just hope shell be okay. RON: Who cares?! Youre a free man! You can do whatever you want. You could finally go on a date with Cho Chang, yall. HARRY: Yeah, maybe. But first lets concentrate on making sure Im still the most popular kid in school. Lets win that Head-Boy election! (the boys exit)


Lights up on the Girls Bathroom; Ginny sits in an open stall, holding a picture of Harry Potter and sobbing her eyes out GINNY: No. No. It cant be trueP-p-p-p-p-p-wease. (suddenly MOANING MYRTLE, a ghost, floats out of a nearby stall) MOANING MYRTLE: Hey! Shut up over there! People are avoiding this bathroom and I think its your fault! GINNY: Sorry Moaning MyrtleIm just heartbroken MOANING MYRTLE: Aw, get me a violin! Harry Potters girlfriend sad cause shes still alive! F*CK YOU! GINNY: Im not Harry Potters girlfriend anymore. I might as well die MOANING MYRTLE: Well dont die here! The last thing this school needs is a whiney BITCH haunting this bathroom! Now keep it down! Your voice is annoying! (she floats away) GINNY: Okay Sniff, Sniff. (Ginny takes out the Diary that Harry gave to her and starts writing) Dear Diary. Its me, Ginny. Today my whole world fell apart. My boyfriend dumped me! Well, you know what? Im done with him! I hate him! You hear me diary? I hate Harry Potter! (an eerie voice emits from the Diary; the voice of TOM RIDDLE) TOM RIDDLE: Tell me about it.


GINNY: Huh? Huuuuh?! Who said that? TOM RIDDLE: Someone who understands you Ginny. Someone who knows what its like to be filled with hate. GINNY: Diary?! TOM RIDDLE: Im a journal! Not a diary! Diaries are for girls. No, Ginny, Im a magic diary SHIT! I mean, journal! Im a magic journal enchanted with the spirit of its former owner. GINNY: Harry? TOM RIDDLE: No! GINNY: Harry gave it to me. TOM RIDDLE: Read the name on the cover, stupid! GINNY: Tom (tries to read middle name) Marv Marvle Mar TOM RIDDLE: Just skip that name. Its a made up name for this letter re-arranging trick youll find out later. Just go to the next name. GINNY: Riddle. TOM RIDDLE: Yes, Tom Riddle. Im a piece of his soul, separated from the whole and bound to this diary SHIT! JOURNAL! BOUND TO THIS F*CKING JOURNAL! GINNY: What do want, diary? TOM RIDDLE: To help you, Ginny. Thats what journals are for. See, I was once like you. Alone. Angry. The world had turned its back on me. GINNY: What did you do?! TOM RIDDLE: Let me show you in a magic flashback. It all started when I was a boy, an orphan boy (Lights down on Ginny. Lights up on the magic flashback; we find ourselves in Wools Orphanage, many years ago. Mrs. Cole enters in the midst of conversation.) MRS. COLE: I think youll find that Wools Orphanage is a first rate establishment. We carry over seven breeds of orphan, including street urchin, rosy-cheeked, crippled, delightfully small, and one evil, little, telekinetic anti-Christ. Oh, and then theres Tom Riddle. Tell me, what kind of orphan are you interested in today, Mr DUMBLEDORE: Dumbledore. (Dumbledore enters. He is dressed in a purple suit; he wears Scarfy around his neck) Albus Dumbledore. But you can call me Dumby, or Big D. The D stands for my doctorate! Im a professor, at a school for very magical children I mean, regular children. MRS. COLE: Well, Big D, we have a couple of those in stock. Follow me. SCARFY: Your shawl is cute! Whats his name?! (Dumbledore turns away from Mrs. Cole) DUMBLEDORE: (whispers) Scarfy! Quiet! This is a muggle orphanage. Were undercover! MRS. COLE: Why thank you, Dumby. I got this shawl at Marshals. Youre a charmer. DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. Listen, Doll-Face, Im here to see one little cutie in particular. That Tom Riddle. I think he might be just right for our school. MRS. COLE: Tom Riddle? Are you sure you dont want to see the Anti-Christ? Hes a little less freaky. DUMBLEDORE: Freaky? How is Tom freaky? MRS. COLE: There have been several incidents, Mr. Dumbledore. Nasty things. You see hes always dancing around like a little fruitcake. Its poisoning the other boys minds. They see him dance and it looks so fun they wanna dance too. DUMBLEDORE: And just what is wrong with that?


MRS. COLE: Well, you know how these things go; first its dancing then its musical theatre. And I dont want these boys to become a bunch of thesbians, if you catch my meaning. Its just not natural. DUMBLEDORE: Ah, what do you know you filthy muggle! Ill see the boy and judge for myself, thank you very much. MRS. COLE: Suit yourself. But I warn you, that boy is a monster. (Mrs. Cole and Dumbledore enter Tom Riddles room. Tom sits on his bed.) Thomas, you have a visitor. A Professor Dumbledore. DUMBLEDORE: How do you do, Tom? (Tom turns to Dumbledore) TOM RIDDLE: Professor? Like a doctor? They sent you to take a look at me! Well, theres nothing wrong with me! I didnt do anything to that little boy in that cave by the sea! MRS. COLE: Dont shout at him, Mr. Man! Hes from a school that might just take you off my hands, you evil little heathen! DUMBLEDORE: Thank you, Mrs. Cole. I think I can take it from here. Now get outta here! (Mrs. Cole exits) TOM RIDDLE: Why dont you get outta here too? Youre not gonna want me. Shes right, you know. I'm evil. DUMBLEDORE: You're not evil, Tom. You're cute! TOM RIDDLE: No. I am evil. Mrs. Cole told me that my mommy died when I came out of her tummy. The first thing I ever did was kill somebody. DUMBLEDORE: Well, Tom, sometimes you accidentally kill your family. It's nothing to beat yourself up about. You know who killed his sister while he was in a fight with his boyfriend? This guy, right here. (Dumbledore points to himself) TOM RIDDLE: Youve killed people too? DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. But it doesnt make me bad, and it doesnt make you bad. There are just some things you dont know about yourself. All you need is a big strong hand to put you on the right path. Tell me, Tom, do you ever feel like you're different from all the other little boys? TOM RIDDLE: Uh huh. DUMBLEDORE: And sometimes can you make extra special things happen? Silly fun things? TOM RIDDLE: Well when I get really happy, I can shoot sparkles from my hands! DUMBLEDORE: Gasp! You know what that means?! Tom, that means... you're a magic boy! TOM RIDDLE: What?! DUMBLEDORE: You know those sparkles that come from your hands? That's magic! You're a wizard, Tom! TOM RIDDLE: Oh boy! I knew I was special! DUMBLEDORE: And you're gonna come with me, and I'm gonna take you to a magical school for wizards with a silly name! Do you wanna know the name? It's Hogwarts! TOM RIDDLE: Hehe! That's funny! DUMBLEDORE: And at Hogwarts the professors are giant people, and tiny people, and werewolves, and cats! And we play games! And there's no homework! And all we learn how to do is sing and dance!!! TOM RIDDLE: Whoppie!!!! Yahoo!!!!! Sparkles! (Tom jumps around happily and shoots sparkles from his hands)


DUMBLEDORE: Oh Tom! Look at that sparkly magic! You're so happy! You look as gay as the 4th of July! TOM RIDDLE: Yey! I'm magic! I'm gay! DUMBLEDORE: Me too! Tom, from this moment forward, youre turning over a new leaf. SONG- ALWAYS DANCE DUMBLEDORE: Now you are a boy, an orphan boy, and deep inside of you a broken soul, a gaping hole has left you feeling blue. But you're not like the other boys you've got that magic flair. Cause when you start to sway, you get carried away! And no one can compare. I've been watching you play, (TR: you have?) I've been listening to the things that you say (TR: uh oh) and I've come to tell you today, You're no ordinary blighter. You've got a broken heart, (TR: sigh) and you keep reaching inside to tear it apart, But I'm here to give you a brand new start And make your spirits brighter! When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer, I know a secret way you can make them disappear. You've got the talent, kid, so here's your chance. They might not understand, but just stick to the plan and show em all its time to dance! Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping, Take your foot and set it tapping! You were born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance! Oh, Tommy, always dance! (After Dumbledore finishes his verse Tom grabs his bag, takes Dumbledores hand, and prepares to leave for Hogwarts. The kids of the orphanage gather and wave goodbye to Tom. One of the


children waving goodbye is an Anti-Christ demon creature with horns and goat legs; his name is Damien.) KIDS: Bye Tom! Bye! (Tom turns toward the group of children) TOM RIDDLE: Dumbledore, can I say goodbye to Damian? Hes that Anti-Christ kid that I kinda know. DUMBLEDORE: Oh yeah. (Tom runs over to Damien; the other orphans exit) DAMIAN: So you finally got out, didnt you Tom? TOM RIDDLE: Hey, Damian. You wont tell anybody about what we did in that cave by the sea, will ya? We were just practicing, werent we? For when we grow up and have girlfriends or whatever? Right? DAMIAN: But I thought Nevermind Youre right, Tom. We were just messin around. (sheds a single tear) I have to go. The sun! It burns us! (Damien exits) TOM RIDDLE: Damians so cool. (Tom rejoins Dumbledore) DUMBLEDORE: Well, ready to go to Hogwarts? TOM RIDDLE: I've been ready to go, for how long I really don't know, but one look at you and I know that you would never fool me. I've been living a lie. Ever since I made my poor mommy die I've been softly wondering why they all choose to ridicule me. (he gets sad during that last part, so Dumbledore chimes in to cheer him up) DUMBLEDORE: When all the other boys start to laugh and jeer, DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE: I know a secret way you (I) can make them disappear. DUMBLEDORE: You've got the talent, kid! TOM RIDDLE: This is my chance! DUMBLEDORE & TOM RIDDLE: They might not understand, but well stick to the plan and show em all its time to dance! Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping,


Take your foot and set it tapping! TOM RIDDLE: I was born a magic boy, Ill leap and twirl and prance! DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Tommy, always dance! TOM RIDDLE: (overlapping) Dumby I'll always dance! (By the end of Tom Riddles verse he is at Hogwarts. The Sorting Hat is placed on Toms head) SORTY: Slytherin! (Dumbledore removes the hat. Tom starts to walk away. Dumbledore stops him) DUMBLEDORE: Wait Tom! Youre sortings not done yet. The Scarf of Sexual Preference! (Dumbledore places Scarfy around Toms shoulders) SCARFY: Oh! Interesting. I could see you going a number of ways. TOM RIDDLE: Youre wrong! I dont care about anybody! SCARFY: Well see about that, hot stuff. I think one day youre gonna find someone real special. Who am I to slap you with a label! Your future is a blank page, the rest is still unwritten. Undecided! (Dumbledore removes Scarfy. Tom walks over to the Slytherin benches; there he sees a young Lucius and Bellatrix. Lucius dances in place as Bellatrix watches in astonishment. Lucius turns to Tom.) LUCIOUS: Why, hello there! TOM RIDDLE: Um... hi. LUCIUS: My name is Lucius, but you can call me Louie! When I grow up, I'd like to be a Rockette! BELLATRIX: And I'm Trixie. I like Hogwarts cause there's lots of nice friends to make and yummy food to eat! TOM RIDDLE: Are you guys making fun of me? BELLATRIX: No. Wanna be friends? (Bellatrix holds out her small baby hand for a handshake) TOM RIDDLE: Back off! (Tom pushes her to the ground. Bellatrix is turned on.) BELLATRIX: Gasp! What a man! LUCIUS: Oh, well see how much of a man you are! Care for a friendly dance-off? (Lucius and Tom have a dance off; it is clear Tom is the better dancer; he thus gains dominance in Slytherin House) SLYTHERINS: Look at his style! Look at him go! Watch his technique! Check out his flow! My, how he leaps! Oh, what a prance! Look at him look at him look at him dance!


ALL: Always dance! Always dance! Though they'll try to stop you, always dance. Shut your mouth and stop your yapping, Take your foot and set it tapping! (bring it home tempo) He was born a magic boy, so leap and twirl and prance! (one Slytherin leaps and says "and leap!") Always, always, always dance! (The magical flashback fades away, except for Tom; and we are now . Ginny is now alone. TOM RIDDLE: You see Ginny! When life sucks, just dance. And life always sucks.. so always dance! What do you say? Dance with me? GINNY: Oh boy yeah. (Tom and Ginny dance.) TOM RIDDLE: You've got the talent, kid, so you're my nominee. You might not understand, but you will dance with me Always dance.. Always dance... Though they'll try to stop us, always dance. You were born for my control, so step into my trance... Alwayssss Alwayssss Alwaysss dancccccccceeee... (Lights down.)


Lights up on Professor McGonagall MCGONNAGOL: Attention all Hogwarts students! With All-Hallows Eve right around the corner, weve got a full line-up of spooky events to celebrate! Theres Nearly Headless Nicks Deathday Party coming up, and this afternoon there will be a public execution of our beloved animal friend, Buckbeak! Hell be completely headless! Haha! And for all you literary fans, Gilderoy Lockheart will be signing autographs outside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom! See you there! (she exits; Lights up on Gilderoy Lockhearts autograph line; several kids wait to meet Gilderoy, including Hermione, who stands at the end of the line; Gilderoy finishes signing a headshot for Luna) GILDEROY: There you are, Miss Lovegood. Thanks for stopping by! Okay, whos next? Oh, why hello, Neville! My, my, its nice to see a boy in my line for a change! (Gilderoy


signs a headshot for Neville) NEVILLE: Thank you sir. Katniss Everdeen is my idol. GILDEROY: Here you are. Next! (Neville exits, only Hermione is left) HERMIONE: Hello. Gilderoy Lockheart. GILDEROY: Why, hello there. Its forty dollars for a headshot, and thirty dollars for an autograph. HERMIONE: No, thats okay. If you could you just sign my copy of Breaking Dawn that would be great. GILDEROY: No. No. I only sign the 40-dollar headshots. HERMIONE: Oh, so really an autograph is just seventy dollars. GILDEROY: Well arent you clever? You must be Hermione Granger. HERMIONE: You know who I am? GILDEROY: Oh yes. Professor Flitwick tells me youre an aspiring young writer. He says your translations of Beetle the Bards boring stories had him on the edge of his seat. And thats saying something, because if that small man were to fall from a chair he could die. HERMIONE: Well, I dont know how good my writing is. I mean, that Beetle the Bard translation was just something silly for fun. My real passion is fan fiction; based off your work! GILDEROY: Oh really? HERMIONE: In fact heres one fanfic Im working on right now. (Hermione takes out a fan fiction story and hands it to Gilderoy) In it, you're a capital person, and you're dating Effie Trinket, but you fall in love with this sort of mousy under-spoken Avox... But um, the Avox regains her ability to talk... and she has a great voice and is kinda um... the coolest girl in the whole wide world. You can read it if you want; or you don't have to! GILDEROY: A mouse-y girl, eh? Well, let's have a looksey. (begins reading) Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Huh!? Ohhh....Oh my... Ewww! Oh my god! Hermione. This is absolutely depraved. I LOVE IT! HERMIONE: Really?! GILDEROY: Hell yes! This makes 50 Shades of Grey look like a f*cking book for kids! With writing like this you could be going places. In fact, I have been looking for someone to write my autobiography-- I mean... my biography. HERMIONE: What!? You mean me? You want me to write your story!? GILDEROY: Perhaps. But Ill need to see more samples of your writing. HERMIONE: I can bring you some more of my fan fiction if you want! I've got this one where I'm Cato and you're those wolf mutations and you graphically eat me... amongst other things. GILDEROY: No. No. Fan fiction won't do. I need to see how you craft real life into drama. What if you wrote me a few essays on someone you're close to... Someone at Hogwarts... Oh, let's just say... Harry Potter? HERMIONE: Harry? Didn't you say yourself that his life is mundane and repetitive? GILDEROY: Well, if you don't think you could do it... I'll have to find someone else. It sounds funny to say it now... I just thought you were special. HERMIONE: I am special! GILDEROY: No... You're not... HERMIONE: Yes I am! I'll do it! I'll write about Harry! GILDEROY: That a girl. Why don't you just write me an essay on each of Harry's years at Hogwarts?


HERMIONE: Oh I will Mr Lockheart! I wont let you down! In fact, Im gonna get started right now! (she leaves; Gilderoy looks around then addresses a tiny hidden someone in his left breast pocket) GILDEROY: Haha. Yes Sprinkles, its all going according to our plan. But we cant talk here. Mrs. Norris could be anywhere. To my office; then you can safely reveal yourself. Disapperate. (He exits. Draco enters with Goyle and The Candy Lady) DRACO: If Im going to win this Head-Boy election, Ive got to have a strong campaign platform. A message that all of Hogwarts can get behind! Something like, End House Elf slavery. Begin Muggle and Mudblood slavery. Something inspiring like that. Goyle, Candy Lady, how are those campaign posters going? A candidate is only as good as his placards. Goyle? (Goyle holds up a picture of an owl he drew. Its okay.) GOYLE: I drew an old, majestic owl. DRACO: Hm. Yes. Its a fine rendering. But it doesnt appear to say anything about me or the election. Perhaps if you added a word bubble coming out of the owls beck that said, Vote for Malfoy. Hes a hoot! GOYLE: (Goyle rubs his chin and considers this) Hm. I dont think the owl would say that DRACO: Candy Lady, what have you got? (The Candy Lady holds up a sign that reads, Candy from the trolley?) MmHm. Yes, well I dont mind if I do. Ill take one chocolate frog. Do have change for a 500 hundred-dollar Monopoly bill? (Draco, Goyle, and The Candy Lady walk off. Harry and Ron enter in the middle of a conversation. Ron holds a rolled up poster) RON: And sometimes I feel like maybe Hermione isnt kissing me cause she doesnt want to kiss me. Harry, do you think she likes someone else? HARRY: I dont know. Maybe she likes Fluffy. Theyd be a good couple, cause theyre both dogs! (Harry holds up his hand for a high five) Am I right!? RON: (Ron half-heartily laughs and gives a reluctant high-five) Ha. ha. Im just worried cause she hasnt been hanging out around us lately. And shes always busy reading those stupid books. HARRY: Well, she better remember to do my potions essay cause its due tomorrow. (Harry finds a good looking spot of a back wall) This looks like a good spot. Got that campaign poster? RON: Right here. HARRY: Alright, so the rules of the election are that you can only run positive campaigns. Thats why no one will be expecting this. (Harry unrolls the poster and hangs it on the wall.) RON: Malfoy is a snobbish, racist, elitist brat. Take that Malfoy! HARRY: Good work Mr. Campaign Manager. Now lets see who votes for Malfoy. (Harry and Ron give each other a high-five. Harry spots Lavender and Pansy who enter giggling. He approaches the girls) HARRY: Hey girls! (Harry points to his poster) Pretty funny sign huh? (Harry notices they are giggling about something else) Hey, what are guys laughing at? PANSY: This. Hehe. (Pansy shows Harry a Potter Stinks button) HARRY: Potter Stinks. Haha, yeah thats pretty wait. No Thats not funny. Lavender, whered you get that button? LAVENDAR: Someones just passing them out to everyone in school. HARRY: WHO!? (Harry grabs Lavenders arm) Tell me!! (Lavender starts crying and runs off)


PANSY: Ugh. That was really mean Harry. You stink. And not just cause of your toots. (Pansy exits) HARRY: RonDo I smell like toots!? Well. DO I?! RON: No! No! (Ron embraces Harry) HARRY: Well, then why is everyone saying I stink!? Whos responsible for this!? (Draco, Goyle and the Candy Lady enter. Draco stands behind Harry and reads Harrys sign) DRACO: Hm. Malfoy is a snobbish, racist. elitist brat. Hm. Why that sums up my entire campaign platform! Goyle, are you responsible for this beautiful placard!? HARRY: Malfoy! You must be behind all this! (he advances on Draco) DRACO: Not so fast Potter! (Draco runs behind Goyle and the Candy Lady) Goyle, Candy Lady! (they protect him, Goyle pushes Harry back) GOYLE: Back off nerd! We hate nerds. CANDY LADY: And children who dont pay with exact change! HARRY: Get rid of the buttons Malfoy, or Ill kick you off my street team. Then well see who checks out your tumblr. DRACO: Harry, Id never make up a rumor about you. I treasure our friendship. Dont you remember all those times we--- (as Draco speaks, the lights dim and his voice fades away; in its place, Harry can hear an eerie Mysterious Voice that echoes from somewhere in the distance) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: SSsssss. Ssssnaaaake. Im sssssnake. Whered my arms go? Jussst kidding Im a ssnake. HARRY: Whoa!? Did you guys hear that? DRACO: Hear what? MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Im gonna get sssso many of you ssstupid humans now that Im free. None of you can even hear me Oh, theressss one. Take thisss. (Suddenly a voice can be heard screaming from offstage) VOICE: AHHHHH!!!! DRACO: What the devil was that!? HARRY: It came from down there! Come on! (Harry and Draco run off to investigate. Ron, Goyle, and the Candy Lady follow. The gang eventually run into Colin Creevey, who stands motionless in the center of the stage. Ginny stands there, her hands covered in blood, On the wall behind her, is a message written in blood)


HARRY: Ginny? (Ginny snaps out of what appears to be a trance, looks down at herself, shocked, and runs off; Harry approaches Colin) Hey Colin! Are you okay little buddy? (Colin doesnt respond) RON: (Ron points to the message) Wha-wha- what is that!? DRACO: (Draco reads the message aloud) The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the heir beware. Thats good. Now just add, Youll be next Mudbloods. Vote for Malfoy (McGonagall and the rest of the Hogwarts kids enter, with the exception of Hermione) MCGONNAGOL: Whats going on in here! (takes in the scene) Oh good heavens! Children what happened!? KIDS: (All the Hogwarts kids begin talking over each other) Rabble, rabble! Rabble! MCGONNAGOL: One at a time please! HARRY: Listen Proffessor, Im not lying this time; this was all like this when I got here! LUNA: Oh boy! Is Colin dead?! MCGONNAGOL: No, hes still alive, but he appears to be petrified. CHO: What do you think this means Professor? MCGONNAGOL: Just what the note says, Miss Chang. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. NEVILLE: Professor, what is the Ch-Ch-Chamber of Secrets? MCGONNAGOL: A hidden dungeon somewhere inside Hogwarts; built by Salazar Slytherin himself. The legend goes that one day, Slytherins heir, would use parseltongue, snake language, to open the Chamber and unleash a monster. KIDS: (impressed) OoooooOoooo! Cool! MCGONNAGOL: No! Not cool! Everyone! Off to your dormitories! Im taking Mr. Creevey to the Infirmary. (everyone exits but Ron and Harry) RON: Whoa Harry; the Chamber of Secrets monster. This cant be good. HARRY: Youre right Ron. This isnt good its great! RON: Huh? HARRY: Dont you get it Ron! All I have to do is save the school again! Then everyone will forget about this Potter stinks crap! Ill just wow everybody with some classic HP action! Ill win the Head Boy election and prove that Harry Potter is still the number one wizard in the world! RON: Awesome! Well, where do you think we should start Harry? HARRY: (Harry looks confused) What? Did you want me to help? I figured you could just get this one, Mr. Campaign Manager. Besides, I cant help right now, I got a date with Cho Chang yall! Lalalala(Harry walks off singing a jolly tune)


Lights up on the Girls Bathroom; Ginny furiously tries to wash the blood from her hands in the sink GINNY: Ewww. How did all this blood get all over my hands anyway? (Luna enters) LUNA: Hey Ginny! You washing blood off your hands too? (Lunas hands are also bloody; she begins to half-heartedly rinse them) GINNY: No!


LUNA: Oh. Well Im just covered in gore; I had a front row seat to Buckbeaks execution! Hey, did you hear about the Chamber of Secrets being opened? How exciting! Well, see ya! (she exits) GINNY: Huh. Huuuh. Chamber of Secrets? Message in blood? Hands covered in blood? Cant remember past few hours? Wait a minute? I think Im having a Nope! Lost it. Ginny, you think too much. Oops, diary time! (she takes Tom Riddles Diary out and begins to write in it once more)

GINNY: Dear Diary! Its me again! Ginny! (Toms voice again emits from the diary) TOM RIDDLE: Ohyou. Yep, this is your journal. Anything youd like to journal about? GINNY: Diary, I need some help. Something really weird is happening. Somebody opened the Chamber of Secrets TOM RIDDLE: Hehe. Someone indeed. GINNY: And I hope they catch however did it red handed. Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets, diary? TOM RIDDLE: Maybe GINNY: Can you tell me about it? Or show me, in another TOM & GINNY: Magic flashback (Another Magical Flashback begins; Lights go down on Ginny and come up on Dumbledore and MADAME POMFREY, who stand in a Hallway looking down at a stretcher covered with a white cloth; on the stretcher, under the cloth, is a YOUNG GIRLs body) MADAME POMFREY: Im sorry, Headmaster, weve done everything we could, but shes gone. Dead as a muggle door-nail. DUMBLEDORE: Ah nuts. MADAME POMFREY: Do you think its true what the children are saying? That this is the work of the monster from the Chamber of Secrets? DUMBLEDORE: Lets not jump to any conclusions, Madame Pomfrey. We keep a lot of killer monsters in this school. This one might not have been from the Chamber of Secrets at least I hope not. (just then Tom Riddle enters, flanked by a gang of his cronies, including Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix) TOM RIDDLE: Uh Professor Dumbledore? You wanted to see me?


DUMBLEDORE: What? Oh yeah. One second, Tom. (he turns to Madame Pomfrey, Tom turns to his goons) TOM RIDDLE: Alright, slaves. See you later? At the club meeting? LUCIUS: Sure thing, Tom. TOM RIDDLE: How many times do I have to tell you, Malloy, call me LUCIUS: My Dark King, right right. TOM RIDDLE: Thank you. Its not so hard. I remember your name. Now scram! (Lucius and the others exit) DUMBLEDORE: Well, Pom-Pom, I guess you can just take this poor girl down to the kitchen and feed her to the house elves. (Madame Pomfry begins to wheel the dead girl out of the room) Actually, wait. Lemme just try this thing one last time. (from his robes, Dumbledore removes a small, magical-looking stone; he waves it over the girls body, but nothing happens) Come on! Work! Worst Deathly Hallow ever. Never mind. (Madame Pomfrey takes the dead body away) TOM RIDDLE: Whats that? DUMBLEDORE: Oh this? (Dumbledore holds up the magic rock) Its just the Resurrection Stone; supposed to bring people back from the dead, but I cant get it to work. I tried to revive whats-her-face with it, but all I did was eternally trap her soul in the bathroom. Oops! TOM RIDDLE: Magic rock? That brings people back from the dead? I like (Tom reaches for the Resurrection Stone but Dumbledore quickly retracts it and puts it in his pocket) DUMBLEDORE: Whoa! Whoa! Hands off you little scamp! This is going back in my office where it belongs. Oh, speaking of little miss dead-pants. You wouldnt happen to have anything to with her death would you, Tom? TOM RIDDLE: I dont tink so. Mhuhahaha! DUMBLEDORE: Cause I heard from Slughorn that you were asking about the Chamber of Secrets. Not to mention theres been a student death every couple days since you enrolled at Hogwarts five years ago. TOM RIDDLE: Yeah, but most of those deaths are from Quidditch. And when you make kids fight dragons. DUMBLEDORE: Yeah, but not all of em, Tom. And your names been tossed around as to whose responsible. Youve got a bad reputation. People say youre angry all the time. And I have to agree. TOM RIDDLE: Angry! Im not angry! CRUCIO! (Tom wildly shoots a spell; NEVILLE LONGBOTTOMS FATHER just so happens to be walking through the halls, and is hit by the torture curse. He drops to the ground in unspeakable agony) NEVILLES DAD: AHH! DUMBLEDORE: Hey! Hey! Hey! (Dumbledore turns to Nevilles dad) Watch where youre going Schlong-bottom! Real wizards are trying to shoot spells over here! (turns back to Tom) Tom. A lot of people are saying I should kick you out of school. TOM RIDDLE: How dare they try to expel the Lord of Darkness. DUMBLEDORE: And that might have something to do with it. All this Dark magic stuff. That little club of yours that follows you around, whats it called? TOM RIDDLE: The He-man Woman Haters. But were thinking of changing the name. DUMBLEDORE: Youre creeping people out, Tom. Now, I know you got a lot of fifthyear angst going on, but we just gotta get to the root of what makes you so unhappy. TOM RIDDLE: Uhhhh. I dont like this. DUMBLEDORE: You ever talk about your feelings?


TOM RIDDLE: Only to my journal! But thats top secret! DUMBLEDORE: Just pretend Im your journal for a second. What fills you with so much hate? TOM RIDDLE: Well I guess I hate all the regular stuff; muggles, mudbloods, the Ghostbusters. But then there's some weird stuff too, like... Snickers. DUMBLEDORE: You mean, when people laugh at you? TOM RIDDLE: No. I like to make people laugh! What I hate is Snickers. You know, the bar. DUMBLEDORE: Oh the candy bar? TOM RIDDLE: Yeah. DUMBLEDORE: The chocolate treat? TOM RIDDLE: Yes... Snickers. DUMBLEDORE: What, you don't like chocolate? TOM RIDDLE: Of course I like chocolate. DUMBLEDORE: Do you not like nuts? TOM RIDDLE: I love nuts! DUMBLEDORE: Then what don't you like? TOM RIDDLE: SNICKERS!!!!! CRUCIO! (Tom shoots Nevilles dad with another torture curse; it had taken this long for Nevilles dads to finally get to his feet after being hit with the previous curse. Nevilles dad again drops to the ground.) NEVILLES DAD: AHH!! DUMBLEDORE: (to Nevilles dad) Are you still here, poindexter?! Imperio, beat it. (Dumbledore shoots Nevilles dad with a curse and makes him exit the stage) Listen Tom, I think I know exactly what youre going through. TOM RIDDLE: No! Not exactly! DUMBLEDORE: You feel anxious. Confused. You have funny thoughts about your guy friends that upset you, so you take it out on the rest of the world. My family never really excepted me; so I--


TOM RIDDLE: At least you had a family! AHH! (Tom immediately weeps uncontrollably. He collapses to the ground.) DUMBLEDORE: There, there Tom. There, there. (Dumbledore puts a hand on Toms shoulder) How were you ever supposed to learn how to love, when you never had anyone there to teach you? Well I got good news for you, Tom. Im suspending you. TOM RIDDLE: Thats not good news. DUMBLEDORE: Im suspending you so you can take a vacation to Little Hangleton. Youre gonna spend this Christmas with a very special family thereThe Riddles. TOM RIDDLE: What? DUMBLEDORE: I found your dad, Tom. His names Tom too. Tom Riddle Senior. TOM RIDDLE: Tom Riddle Senior? That makes me a junior. Little Tommy junior! DUMBLEDORE: He lives with your grandmother and your grandfather. TOM RIDDLE: What kind of wizards are they?! I always imagined my dad was something incredible! Like a Fiend-Fire Fighter! Or a magic astronaut! Or a ballerina! DUMBLEDORE: Tom, it doesnt matter what kind of wizards they are. If you want them to accept you, youve got to accept them. TOM RIDDLE: Youre right. Ill accept whatever kind of wizards they are; just so long as they are wizards. DUMBLEDORE: So pack your bags, cause youre leaving right away! TOM RIDDLE: But I cant leave now. Ive got a meeting with my club of slaves. Were gonna vote on a new name! DUMBLEDORE: Forget the club! Nows your chance to find a new path. Maybe youre not supposed to live your life consumed by darkness. TOM RIDDLE: But thats all I know. DUMBLEDORE: Well its time to go out there and learn something new. Something you cant learn in a classroom. Tom, its time to go home. TOM RIDDLE: Youre rightUhhhYoure right! DUMBLEDORE: Good luck boy. I love you. TOM RIDDLE: Thanks Dumbledore! (Tom grabs a suitcase, and heads off; Lucius and Bellatrix appear and call after him) LUCIUS: Tom! My king! You cant leave! Youre gonna miss the meeting! BELLATRIX: Where are you going!? TOM RIDDLE: Im going home! (Tom runs and dances as Clark Baxtresser sings a beautiful song about going home. Tom Riddle finds himself outside of a cozy looking house; the sign on the door reads Welcome to the Home of the Riddles!; Tom sighs; on the front lawn a small boy, BILLY, plays and frolics, Tom approaches him) TOM RIDDLE: Hey kid! Is this the Riddle house? BILLY: It sure is mister! Welcome to the neighborhood! TOM RIDDLE: Thanks kid. (Tom walks up to the front door) Here goes nothing. (he rings the bell and a kind-looking old woman, MARY RIDDLE, answers the door) MARY: Hello? TOM RIDDLE: Hi. Are you Mary Riddle? MARY: Yes. Gasp! Oh my Heavens to Betsy. Tommy? Tommy junior? Is that you? TOM RIDDLE: It sure is.


MARY: Oh junior. You look just like your father. Now you come here and give your granny some sugar. (they hug and kiss) TOM RIDDLE: Oh grandma! MARY: Welcome home junior. Now you go straight into the kitchen and you help yourself to some cookies. But be careful not to burn yourself, cause theyre fresh from the oven. TOM RIDDLE: Alright! MARY: And Ill get you a glass of milk to go with, one second. (she turns to the young boy in the front lawn) Billy! How many times do I have to tell you? Stay the hell off my lawn! (She turns back to Tom) That boy is a homo. Come on in. TOM RIDDLE: Uhhh (Tom heads into the Riddle House as the lights go down on him and come up on Ginny. Dean is talking to her and she is no longer in the girls bathroom) DEAN: Hey Ginny! (Ginny comes out of a trance-like state) GINNY: Huh!? Huuuuuh? (she looks around) This is scary. Howd I end up in the Common Room? I was just in the bathroom. DEAN: I dont know. Say, I was wondering, since you arent dating Harry anymorewhatre you doing next Saturday night? Me and Seamus would love to take you on a date. GINNY: (turns away from Dean and talks to herself) Ohhh. I see. This isnt scary that I keep blacking out and winding up in weird places! Its romantic. Its my diarys way of telling me to open my heart to new love; just like Tom did. (turns to Dean) Sure Ill go on a date with you guys! Im down for whatever. But I wont snog Seamus, okay? DEAN: I can live with that. Well pick you up at eight. (Dean exits) GINNY: Yeah, its time to move on. Seamus and Dean are twice the man Harry is! My new, better boyfriend! Thank you diary! Youre my best durr--- (Ginny enters a trance. Tom Riddles voice can be heard) TOM RIDDLE: Do my bidding. Quickly, to the Chamber (Ginny exits. Lights down)


(Lights up on Nearly Headless Nick. He stands in the middle of a party, his Deathday Party. Ron sits in the corner of the room on a bench. Nick makes a speech to his guests) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Welcome! Welcome one and all! This Hallows Eve is my Five Hundred and Sixth Deathday! Its going to be a night to remember! So help yourself to drinks! Enjoy the music! And rock on Hogwarts! (Nick finishes his speech and approaches Ron) Why hello there Mr. Weasley!


RON: (sounding very melancholy) Hey Nick. Happy deathday. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: You look troubled, young Weasley. What ales you? RON: Well, Hermione really wanted to come to your Deathday party cause she thought it would be intellectually stimulating. So I told her we could make a date out of it but, she didnt show up. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Well, why not try talking to some of the other girls, Ron? Just dont put the moves on The Grey Lady okay!? Im trying to build up the nerve to buy her a drink. RON: You should go for it, Nick. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Youre right! Im gonna go over there and--- no. I couldnt. Maybe next year. Ill be okay as long as she doesnt make out with that bastard the Headless Horseman! (Harry enters and holds the door for Cho and Lavender, who enter behind him) CHO: Well, thank you Harry Potter! Bless your heart! HARRY: No problem. LAVENDER: (Lavender points to the benches where Ron sits) Hey Cho. Ill be waiting over here for you all night. And you look really pretty by the way. CHO: Oh Lavender! Bless your heart! But you dont have to lie to make me feel better. I look awful! Just awful! LAVENDER: No Cho! Youre the prettiest girl ever! HARRY: (Harry looks impatient and bored. It seems he hasnt been having fun with Cho) Wanna sit down? CHO: Sure. Bye Lavender. (Harry and Cho sit down at a table as Lavender sits on a bench next to Ron) Thanks for taking me out on this date Harry. Though, I must not be that fun to be around. I must be really boring. (Cho looks at Harry and pouts) HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: No. Youre just saying that. You know, when I dated Cedric Diggory, he would always find really nice things to say about me. But he was probably just lyin. Im boring and ugly. (Cho pouts again) HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: (Cho is getting a bit frustrated. Shes fishing for compliments) Ugh. Well, Im gonna go powder my nose. My whole face is probably all shiny and gross looking. Aint it? HARRY: Youre fine. CHO: (Cho is now visibly irritated) Well, Ill be back in a minute. (Cho exits. Ron approaches Harry) RON: Hey there good buddy. How you doing? HARRY: Ron, Cho Chang sucks! All she does is fish for compliments, its the most annoying thing a girl can do! You know, when me and Ginny dated wed stay up all night talking about my fame, and my fortune, and how busy I always am. Why cant Cho just do that? RON: I dont know. Maybe when you where dating Ginny you kinda took her for granted. HARRY: (Harry thinks for a moment) No. I would never do that. (Dean enters and holds open the door) DEAN: Ladies first. (Seamus enters with Ginny) SEAMUS: Right this way Miss Weasley. GINNY: Thank you boys. (Ginny takes each boy by the arm. Harry notices)


HARRY: What! Is that Ginny on a date with Seamus and Dean!? Ill take care of this. (Cho enters and grabs Harry before he can walk over to Ginny, Seamus and Dean) CHO: Oh Harry! Im back! Nose powdered! But it still probably looks bad, huh? HARRY: Youre fine! Lets just go get a drink. (Harry and Cho go off to get a drink. Ron returns to his bench. Ginny, Seamus and Dean take a seat at a table) GINNY: Thanks for inviting me to the Deathday party guys. Im having a really fun Durh! (Suddenly Ginnys eyes cross and she enters a trance-like state; The Diary floats up out of her purse and hovers around her head; Tom Riddle appears in the doorway) TOM RIDDLE: Come to me, slave. Now is the time. GINNY: I have to go to the bathroom now. (Ginny and Tom Riddle exit) DEAN: Thats cool. Well be here. (Seamus turns to Dean) SEAMUS: Alright Dean. So heres how its gonna work. We is gonna wine and dine this honey! We is gonna get her hot, and mad bothered! We is gonna make her fall in love with us! And then youll snog her! DEAN: Sounds like a plan to me. (Harry overhears this and abandons Cho) HARRY: Hey! Stop trying to snog my girlfriend! DEAN: Say what!? She aint your girlfriend no more HP. SEAMUS: Yeah! So bugger off Potter! HARRY: You stay outta this Seamus! Dean, dont play me like this! I would never do this to you! Remember all those time we--- (Harry starts talking about all the great memories he and Dean share. Lights down on that scene. Lights come up on Ron and Lavender, who are sitting on the bench in the corner) LAVENDAR: HeyRon RON: Hey there. Lavender Brown. LAVENDAR: So(Lavender begins talking but is talking in a very quiet mumble) RON: What? (Ron gets closer to hear her better) LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble) RON: What did you say!? (Ron gets even closer to Lavender) LAVENDAR: (very quiet mumble) RON: I cant hear you! What!? (Ron is now about an inch away from Lavender. Lavender quickly gives him a tiny kiss on the cheek)


RON: Oh no! (Ron stands up) I just cheated on my girlfriend. I did it. Im nothing but a no-good, low-down, rotten fat, ugly, cheating scumbag. I better go tell Hermione. (Ron starts to leave but Lavender grabs his hand) LAVENDAR: No. You stay here. Were dating now. RON: No Lavender, I think we need to talk about our relationship. LAVENDAR: (hurt) Why? RON: I dont know if its working out. (Lights down on Ron and Lavender as they talk about their relationship. Nearly Headless Nick enters. He looks around to see everyone arguing) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Hm. This night doesnt seem to be working out for anyone. But I wont let that get me down! Im finally gonna ask the Grey Lady for a drink! (Nearly Headless Nick goes over to an archway and pulls back a curtain to reveal the Grey Lady making out with a jack-lo-lantern on top of the Headless Horsemans body) What!? I knew it! Horseman you bastard! You know I like the Grey Lady! What do you have to say for yourself!? (The Headless Horseman tries to explain himself with body language) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Nothing! You coward! This was my one special night! Way to ruin it Grey Lady! (Lights down on that argument. Lights up on the argument between Harry and Dean. Harry is finishing his piece) HARRY: -and I saved the school and the world! DEAN: You know what HP? You did us a solid when you saved the school all those timesbut Ginny is not your property! HARRY: But thats not fair! CHO: Well. I can see that Im just getting in your way, arent I Harry Potter. I was stupid to think someone as ugly as me could ever have a fun date. (Cho pouts) SEAMUS: Bullocks! (Seamus takes her hand) Your face shines brighter than Dumbledores patronus it does! HARRY: Cho, stop fishing for compliments! Okay!? Nobody cares! Were trying to talk! So just shut up! (Cho is taken aback) DEAN: (Dean stands up) You better back off HP. Now I see why Ginny dumped your ass. HARRY: No! I dumped her! You know what?! Weve got beef Dean! Weve got beef! SEAMUS: Oy! You cant have beef with Dean! Hes my mate! Now we got beef Potter! CHO: And weve got beef too! I dont care who you are! Nobody talks to me like that! Take this! (Cho slaps Harry. Harry falls backwards. As he does he steps over to Ron and Lavenders argument) LAVENDAR: So were on a break now!? RON: Youre always like this! LAVENDAR: Oh! Well, then lets just call it quits Ron Weasley! Take this! (Lavender tries to slap Ron but he ducks. Lavenders slap goes over Ron and hits Harry in the face) HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked backwards in the other direction. Harry wobbles his way toward Nearly Headless Nick and The Headless Horsemans argument) NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Unless you answer my questions youll have to face me in a duel sir! (Headless Horseman cant answer) Thats it! Take this! (Nick attempts to slap The Headless Horsemans Jack-o-Lantern head, but the Grey Lady quickly removes it. Nicks slap goes over the Horseman and hits Harry in the face) HARRY: OW! (Harry is knocked in another direction. Draco is crossing the stage. Draco takes out a roller skate and sets it down in the center of the stage) DRACO: This looks like a fine spot for my roller skate. (Harry steps on the roller skate and slides in another direction)


HARRY: WOAH! (Neville enters with a large birthday cake) NEVILLE: Happy Death Day! Hope you like banana cream! (Harry runs into Neville and the cake smacks him in the face. Harry wobbles backwards) HARRY: Ahh! (Draco walks to another part of the stage) DRACO: And this looks like a fine spot for my marbles. (Draco puts some marbles on the ground. Harry stumbles into the marbles and looses his balance) HARRY: Whoa! (McGonagall enters with a large ice sculpture) MCGONNAGOL: Ive finally finished the ice sculpture! (Harry smashes through the ice sculpture and finally falls to the ground; flat on his ass) HARRY: Ahh! (Everyone in the room turns to Harry) EVERYONE: Harry! (Gilderoy quickly peaks out of the door) GILDEROY: Great job Potter! You ruined the Death Day Party! EVERYONE: (angrily) Thanks Harry! HARRY: But I CHO: Come on yall! Lets get outta here! (everyone but Harry and Ron exit. Ron approaches Harry and tries to put a hand on his shoulder) RON: Are you okay pal? (Harry pulls away) HARRY: Dont touch me. (Hermione enters) HERMIONE: Hey guys. RON: Ah! Hermione! HERMIONE: Sorry Im late. Ive been so busy with this extra-credit thing Im doing for Gilderoy Lockheart. HARRY: Well if it isnt Hermione Stranger. Or should I say, Hermione the Traitor. You didnt do my Potions Essay! And because of that I had to do it! So it never got done! And I failed! Your plan to ruin my life is working out perfectly! HERMIONE: Im sorry HARRY: Yeah youre sorry! Sorry excuse for a friend! HERMIONE: Harry! You need to calm down! Youre acting way too angsty for your own good! This is just like how you acted in our fifth year when--- (Hermiones voice is drowned out as the lights change and we hear the echoing Mysterious Voice yet again) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Ssssnake. Im a sssnake. I'm huge. A huge snake. Im a ton bigger than youd expect. You could make like a 1000 ssshoes out of me, or a million little purses. Or two really big boots or sssomething. Sssnake (The mysterious voice quiets) HARRY: Wait! Hermione! Quiet down for a sec! Do you guys here that!? HERMIONE: What?


HARRY: Its that voice again. (We hear the mysterious voice again) MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Oh Shit! I think that kid hearssss me, I better get back to the Chamber of Secrets! HARRY: The Chamber of Secrets!? Come on guys! We gotta follow that voice! (Harry runs off) RON: I didnt hear anything! HERMIONE: What voice Harry?! (Ron and Hermione follow Harry. Harry, Ron, and Hermione come across Ginny and a petrified Nearly Headless Nick) HERMIONE: Harry look! Nearly Headless Nick! Hes petrified! HARRY: Ginny whats going on!? GINNY: Huh? (Ginny snaps out of a trance) HARRY: What happened!? GINNY: I dont know! HARRY: What do you mean you dont know?! You were standing right there! Some help you are. Why dont you go snog Dean or something!? GINNY: Fine! Maybe I will! (Ginny exits) HARRY: Whatever. HERMIONE: Harry, what are looking for? HARRY: I heard a voice back there. The same voice I heard before Colin Creevey was petrified. I think it was the Chamber of Secrets monster. Just look some kinda clue or something! (Turns to Ron) Find anything Ron!? (Harry approaches Ron) RON: No. Nothing. Just of an endless parade of spiders leaving the castle. HARRY: Good reddens. Damn spiders. Wait! Maybe one of those spiders saw what happened here! Dammit! If only I had the power to talk to spiders instead of this useless ability to talk to snakes that I never use! Come on! Lets follow them! RON: I dont know Harry. Im afraid of spi-spi-spi--bugs. And it looks like theyre headed for the Forbidden Forest. HARRY: They could lead us to the monster! I have to save the school or I might as well die! (The kids exit)

(Harry, Ron and Hermione, follow the spider-trail into a bleak den or nest; spider-webs hang everywhere and our heroes struggle to rip through them) HARRY: I think they went this way. KEEP UP! RON: Im frightened Harry! HARRY: Quiet Hermione! This is it! The Chamber of Secrets monster! I can feel it! Usually it takes me all year to solve a mystery. I get stuck on tangent adventures, following all these red herrings. But not this year! Im on fire! The boy who was on fire, thats what theyll call me! Hey, did you guys hear that? (The kids huddle together. They can see something moving in the shadows. A spidery noise grows as a large figure closes in on our heroes) ARAGOG: Well, well, well. Three little PYTs have found their way to my humble abode. You must be the ones chasing my children through forest. HARRY: No way, whoever you are! We were chasing some disgusting spiders. Not little kids! HERMIONE: Wait, we were chasing your childrenDoes that mean that youre a


ARAGOG: GIANT SPIDER! (ARAGOG jumps out from behind the spider webs and is a huge spider. It rises up on its back legs and has dripping, hideous fangs.) RON: AAAAAAHHHHHH! ARAGOG: The names Aragog! Welcome to my crib. HARRY: Yes! I do have the magical ability to talk to spiders! Im back! ARAGOG: No! Im just a spider that has the magical ability to talk to humans! HARRY: Ah rats RON: LETS GET OUT OF HERE! ARAGOG: Wait wait wait! Where are yall off to so fast? Make yourselves comfy! Grab a web and stick around. SONG-GET IN MY MOUTH ARAGOG: Hey Please Dont run away from me, oh no Baby I cannot breathe Without you inside of me When I look at you I think of one thing I feel embarrassed cuz I know its obscene I want you I need you Ill teach you what its like to party with me Im getting hungry baby its time to feed! Get in my mouth Get into my mouth Get in my mouth I know you want to baby Get into my mouth Dont even try to escape me Hey Hey Its gonna be ok, oh no Stay Dont run away You cannot hide from me its useless anyway You cannot hide from me its useless anyway, ok!? I need to tell you something please dont go! ARAGOG & BACK UPS: Get in my mouth Get into my mouth Get in my mouth I know you want to baby Get into my mouth


Dont even try to escape me BACK UPS: Ah ah ah etc ARAGOG: You know I got this feeling it goes wherever I go Ill never let you go, youre mine You know I gotta taste ya cuz you look so fine Cant get ya outta my mind So wont you get into my mouth ARAGOG & BACK UPS: (sarcastically, mocking) Oh no, its a big bad spider Im so scared! Hes gonna eat me and Im gonna be so tasty oh no! My life is over oh my god this spider is so cool! ARAGOG: I want you I need you Ill teach you what its like to party with me Baby its time to feed ARAGOG & BACK UPS: Get in my mouth Get into my mouth Get in my mouth I know you want to baby Get into my mouth Dont even try to escape me BACK UPS: Ah ah ah etc HARRY: You cant fool us, man! I dont care how funky your mouth is! We know youre the monster from the Chamber of Secrets. You petrified Collin Creevy and Nearly Headless Nick. THEY WERE MY BEST FRIENDS! ARAGOG: Chamber of Secrets Monster? Look around you boy! We in a chamber right now? Im looking straight in your eyes. You getting petrified? Im no Chamber of Secrets monster! HARRY: Ah man! Well, if youre not the monster and youre not gonna help us find the monster, then youre just another useless and amazing creature. I was going to kill you, but now Im just bored. Whats wrong with me!? Have I lost my edge? ARAGOG: You sure have! And now Im gonna eat ya! You aint got no one to save you! You aint got a friend in the world! (ARAGOG lunges. Just then a giant, lumbering figure bursts through the tangle of webs.) HAGRID: They still got one friend left, you bastard!


KIDS: Hagrid! (its HAGIRD) HAGRID: Kids! ARAGOG: Oh, Hagrid. Not you again! Me and my millions of children never get to eat! Were starving! HAGRID: Now you know thats not true! I just dont let you eat any innocent creatures that dont deserve it. Ill bring you some more puppies in the morning. (to the kids) Well, if it isnt Harry, Ron and Hermione. Arent you a sight for sore eyes! Come on! Lets get you outta this spiders nest and into someplace that may be a wee bit grosser. (Hagrid leads the kids out of Aragogs Nest and into a small shack on the edge of the Hogwarts grounds) Come on in! Come in to Hagrids Hut! Sorry its a bit of a mess. Havent cleaned up or showered since you were last here, but its not just me you know! Ive added another roommate to the mix. You all remember Fawkes the Phoenix! (The glorious red and gold bird sits on a perch in the corner, surrounded by his own droppings) RON: Didnt Dumbledore leave him to you when he died?

HAGRID: Thats right, Ron. Fawkes is a great roommate. Sleeps in the fireplace. Keeps to himself, unlike like this sleepy dragon over here. (Hagrid points to the dragon from the first play, who sleeps in a corner of the hut) WAKE UP YOU BASTARD! Hes fine. (notices Harry is in a bad mood) Wait a minute. Harry? Wheres that glowing smile of yours? Youre actin like somethings wrong HARRY: Something is wrong Hagrid. HAGRID: Oh thats not right. You come over here and climb up on Hagrids knee. Best seat in the house. (Harry does so) Heres a warning, Im gonna bounce ya. (Hagrid bounces Harry on his knee) There you go, that feels nice, dont it? If you need to spit up just do it right into Hagrids beard; thats what I always do. Now tell me whats wrong. HARRY: Oh its nothing Hagrid. My life just sucks, thats all. Its like people dont even care that Im Harry Potter. Neville doesnt even stutter around me anymore. Hes


acting less like hes got a Schlong-bottom, and more like hes got a Schlonkey-dick. Ive saved the world like a million times! How could everyone forget about that? HAGRID: Harry. Dont you f*cking talk like that! You might be wee, but you got a greatness in you. Whether youre flying around on that broom of yours, or singing a song or two, or reminding us all that maybe were not alone. Why, for some people youre the light at the end of a dark, lonely, shameful tunnel. Youre a hero Harry; as timeless and unforgettable as the VR Troopers. RON: Who? HAGRID: You know, the VR Troopers. Youve never heard of this? They're three little kid superheroes who have sort of mechanical suits. HARRY: You mean Beetle Borgs? HAGRID: (incredulous) BEETLE BORGS!?!?! BEETLE BORGS ARE SHIT! No! The VR Troopers were cool! They had this amazing power to travel through telephone lines... or power lines, or something I can't really remember actually. My point is youre like them! Cherished for all time. HARRY: But Hagrid, all my life Ive only been known as the savior of Hogwarts. So what does it mean when Im not at Hogwarts anymore? Im scared. HAGRID: Harry, I was once in the same situation as you. A senior. Starring down the inevitable end of school and childhood. I didnt want to let it go. HARRY: So what did you do? HAGRID: I didnt let it go! I never left! HARRY: You never left Hogwarts? HAGRID: Nope! Oh they wanted me to leave; but I refused to attend graduation! Im technically still a student! Plus people leave you alone once you start threatening to hurt yourself. But when you love something so much and you feel it slippin through your fingers JUST HOLD ON TIGHTER! (Hagrid squeezes Harry) HARRY: Youre hurting me Hagrid! HAGRID: Oh, Im sorry Harry. My advice is to you is to never change. Its fun living at Hogwarts! Sure all your friends will leave, get jobs, and start families of their own. Eventually their kids will grow up, and then theyll come to Hogwarts too! And itll be sad. So sad to see them. Youll probably just sit down in your hut most days, watching NetFlix or Hulu Plus, waiting for those three rosy-cheeked little angels to come down and visit. Ask for dance lessons or advice. Then theyll grow up too. They wont come around as much anymore, and youll wonder why you keep going. Soon, youre only company is a dragon thats been asleep for 5 years, and a Phoenix, which only reminds you how short life is. But we dont get second chances like that Phoenix, do we kids? No, once weve burned, were toast. . WELL pep talks over! Thanks for coming down here to cheer me up. RON: Thanks Hagrid! This has been fun! HERMIONE: We better get back to the dorms. HAGRID: You dont have to leave yet RON: Hahaha! Bye Hagrid! HAGRID: If you leave I might hurt myself! HERMIONE: Youre so funny Hagrid! Bye! (The kids exit the hut) RON: Hagrid always has the best advice. Well Harry, we didnt catch the Chamber of Secrets monster, but do you at least feel better? HARRY: Hardly



Lights up on Ginny in the Gryffindor Girls Dorm. She throws herself onto her bed, pulls the diary from under her pillow. GINNY: Oh Diary. That date was a total bust; I dont even remember most of it. Seamus must have slipped something in my drink; that creep! And then I saw Harry again. And he yelled at me! Oh diary. Do things ever turn out the way you want them to? Show me another life lesson, in another magic flashback (Lights up on Tom Riddle, who sits in a bedroom of the Riddle House; from downstairs Marry Riddle calls to him) MARY: Oh Junior! Are you all washed up for Christmas dinner? Your father should be here any minute now. TOM RIDDLE: Yeah, I am grandma! (he plops down on his bed, pulls the diary from beneath his pillow and starts writing) Dear Diary JOURNAL!!! I feel great! I havent maimed or tortured anything since I came to Little Hangleton. And thats kind of a big deal for me. Just been spending time with my grandma and grandpa. And tonight, may be the most important night of my life. Im gonna meet my father. And I know that hes gonna love me. Its strange not hating everything I see. I feel something else in my chest. Something new. Im not sure what. But I think it might be something really special. Wish me luck!

(Tom puts his diary away and heads downstairs, where he finds his grandfather, THOMS RIDDLE, who is extremely old, crotchety and uses a wheelchair) THOMS: Hey boy! TOM RIDDLE: Hi Grandpa. THOMS: Come here! Pull my finger. TOM RIDDLE: Why? THOMS: Just pull it! TOM RIDDLE: Okay! (Tom pulls his finger) THOMS: AH! NOOOOOOOOO! You made me poop my pants! (Mary enters) MARY: Junior, did you pull his finger!?


TOM RIDDLE: He told me to! MARY: Well you cant always listen to Thoms, junior! He thinks hes still in the war. You made this mess, now you gotta clean it up. Im very disappointed in you junior! Very disappointed! (she exits) THOMS: Unbutton my pants! I dont know how! TOM RIDDLE: Alright Grandpa, lets get those britches off. (Tom takes off his grandpas pants) Well get you cleaned up in no time. (Tom takes out some powder, wipes and oldpeople diapers; he begins to change Thoms) THOMS: Quit looking at my wiener! TOM RIDDLE: I have to. Theres poop on it. (Tom begins to wipe Thoms bum) THOMS: OH! NO! Youre wiping! Youre wiping! TOM RIDDLE: I know! Im trying to get you all set! THOMS: No! Dont wipe you fool! You gotta DAB! DAB! MARY! HELP ME! (Mary enters again, this time with a phone to her ear) MARY RIDDLE: God bless America! Junior, you didnt wipe on his anus did you!? TOM RIDDLE: Yeah! Cause nobody told me dab! MARY RIDDLE: He has an irritated anus junior! You couldve killed him, you monster! Now Im on the phone with my sister! (starts talking into the phone) No Mabel, I dont like this boy at all (Mary heads back into the kitchen, Thoms pulls on his pants and TOM RIDDLE SENIOR enters) TOM SENIOR: Im home! Mom Im home! My day sucked and I (noticing Tom Riddle) Who are you? TOM RIDDLE: Hi. TOM SENIOR: Mom! Whos this guy? TOM RIDDLE: Dont you know me? Im your little Tommy boy. Dad, Im your son. TOM SENIOR: Nooo. Nooo. Noo. TOM RIDDLE: Whats wrong dad? Are you ashamed for leaving me in that awful orphanage? Its okay. Its water under the bridge, or over the dam, or wherever you like it. (Mary enters with dinner) TOM SENIOR: Mom, are you gonna make me talk to this guy? MARY: Oh, stop your bellyaching Tom. You knew one day that relationship of yours would come back to bite you in the bum. Now lets all sit down for a cordial Christmas dinner. TOM SENIOR: God! This is the last thing I need! (they at sit down at the dinner table, Tom Riddle stares lovingly at his father) TOM RIDDLE: So Dad? TOM SENIOR: What? TOM RIDDLE I have so many questions. So many things Ive always wanted to ask you. Where do I start? What was mom like? TOM SENIOR: Oh she was fat. TOM RIDDLE: Oh. Okay. So I had a fat mom. A nice cuddly fat mom! TOM SENIOR: Yeah. And she was gross. She had no nose; like you. On you it looks like a snake. On her it looked like a pig. You know Ninja Turtles? Remember Shredders guy; Bebop? The warthog? Thats what she looked like. Only Bebop was fit! She was fat! TOM RIDDLE: But she was beautiful on the inside. And thats why you loved her. Right dad?


TOM SENIOR: No! I didnt even like her! She just got me drunk one night while I was high! And then next thing I knew she pooped you out! God! (he pulls on a pair of headphones and hunches over, putting his face down on the table) TOM RIDDLE: Dad! You must have felt(he reaches to touch Tom Seniors back, but Mary stops him) MARY: Dont touch him! He doesnt like being touched when he has his headphones on! And thats enough about your mother junior. I never liked that Miss Piggy character, because she was on the drugs and she made him (she motions to Tom Senior) do the drugs to. What about you? Do you have a girlfriend, Junior? TOM RIDDLE: Well... I dont really have time for girls right now. THOMS: Why not? Whats wrong with you, boy!? MARY: Leave him be, Thoms. Hes probably just too busy with sports; big strapping, young man like that. What sports do you play junior? TOM RIDDLE: I dont really play sports. MARY: No sports. No girls. Well, what the heck do you do all day!? TOM RIDDLE: Well.. UhActually, I kinda do a sport! Idance! MARY: What? TOM RIDDLE: I dance. You know. Tap. Jazz. Ballet. Im also really good at dark magic. MARY: Do you go to church on Sunday junior? TOM RIDDLE: Uhh No. I went to magic church once. MARY: MmHm. MmHm. Could you pass me the gravy, Thoms? THOMS: This gravy looks like my poop! MARY: That is not polite dinner conversation junior! TOM RIDDLE: Me!? He was talking about poop! I was talking about magic! (Tom Senior rips off his headphones) TOM SENIOR: God! Quit it with the magic! Youre just like your stupid mom! She was always walking around saying Dumbadoor! Hogwarts! Quitch! Quitch! And I was like, Quidditch? QUIT IT! TOM RIDDLE: Why didnt you wanna talk about magic with mom? TOM SENIOR: Cause its not real. TOM RIDDLE: Huh? TOM SENIOR: Your stupid mom just thought it was. Cause she was on drugs. It was all up here (points to his head). Its like, show me Hogwarts on a map of the United States of America. Its not there. TOM RIDDLE: Of course you cant see Hogwarts on a map! Its invisible! Its hidden by a magic bubble! MARY: Goddammit, junior. What kind of drugs are you on!? TOM RIDDLE: Im not on drugs! TOM SENIOR: Yes! You are! Youre on drugs! TOM RIDDLE: Youre on drugs! TOM SENIOR: SO WHAT!? THOMS: I pooped again! MARY: Look at us all fighting like this! Look what you did! You ruined Christmas junior! Lets just open the presents and get this whole disaster over with! (she gets up to go fetch Tom Riddle his Christmas gift) TOM RIDDLE: Hold on everybody. This might be a really off the wall thing to say, but you guys are sounding like filthy disgusting muggles right now.


TOM SENIOR: Oh yeah, muggles. Thats what your mom called us while she was tripping balls. TOM RIDDLE: Youre muggles? Muuugggllleesss??? TOM SENIOR: Thats what she said. God she was annoying. The only good thing about you being born was that you killed your mom and she stopped calling me! Its like, what do I have to do to make you never talk to me again!? Tell you where a total mistake. A totally unwanted little murderer! After you were born I put in a trashcan! But my stupid mom took you out of the trashcan and sent you that orphanage! MARY: So sue me. I didnt know hed turn out like (she makes a limp-wrist motion) you know. TOM RIDDLE: Muggles? Theyre muggles MUGGLES! NO! (Tom claws at his skin) GET IT OUT OF ME!! NO! No Tom. Calm down. Remember what Dumbledore said-Dumbledore he must have known they were muggles! He tricked me! Hell die for--Wait no! NO! Maybe he didnt know?! This is your family Tom! Just accept themand maybe theyll accept you. No argh no TOM SENIOR: Oh my god, are you crying? Quit it! MARY: Of course hes crying. Hes not a real man. (she places a package on the table in front of Tom) Here you go Junior. Its not much, but its what you deserve. I hope you like it. (Tom opens the package and looks inside; after a long moment he slowly removes the gift from within a Snickers Bar)

TOM RIDDLE: .Snickers? Snickers! SNICKERS!? TOM SENIOR: Quit it! THOMS: I pooped! MARY: Well do you like it or not you ungrateful little(Tom takes out his wand from inside his jacket and points it at his family) TOM RIDDLE: AVADA KEDAVRA!!! (Lights snap back up on Ginny, who throws the diary to the ground in shock) GINNY: GASP! (after a frightened moment, Ginny runs out of the room, leaving the diary behind)



Lights up on the Great Hall; McGonagall takes center as kids file in around her. MCGONAGALL: Attention all Hogwarts students. The last day of the term has arrived and its time to cast your votes for the Head-Boy Election! Please report to the Great Hall immediately, as the Results Ceremony will begin as soon as the finals votes have been tallied! How exciting! (Harry and Ron enter.) HARRY: Alright Ron, todays the day. I think we should be fine, right? I mean, I can beat Malfoy! Cant I? RON: Oh, youre gonna beat his pants off. (Neville and Luna enter) HARRY: Neville! Luna! My loyal DA. Did you guys voted for me? LUNA: Well, not exactly. But good luck! (they sit; Seamus and Dean enter with their arms around Ginny) HARRY: Hey guys. Look, I know we all havent been getting along lately, but can I count on your vote? SEAMUS: Dont hold your breath, Potter! DEAN: Come on Ginny. (Ginny looks at Harry for a moment, but then heads to her seat with Seamus and Dean; Hermione enters) HARRY: Hermione, there you are! Youre the best! At least you voted for me, right?! HERMIONE: Well (McGonagall takes the stage, not as enthusiastic as before) MCGONAGALL: Alright children. Silence! Silence! I just received the voting results and I can see that some of you didnt take this election very seriously. In second place, receiving a total of two votes Mr. Draco Malfoy. DRACO: Two votes? Thats more than I was expecting. Arent I as proud as a peacock? HARRY: HA! HA! HA! (he starts parading around the stage) Take that Malfoy! Two votes?! Who looks stupid now?! (he sits) MCGONAGALL: And tying for second place, also with two votes, is Harry Potter. HARRY: What?! WHAT?! I voted for me! DRACO: As did I. HARRY: Ron?! Who did you vote for? RON: (fighting back laughter) Just wait for it Harry! MCGONAGALL: And winning the election in a landslide, with 867 votes Fozzy Bear. KIDS: YEEEEEEEY! MCGONAGALL: I hope you children are all proud of yourselves. KIDS: YEAH! MCGONAGALL: I hope you think this is funny. KIDS: HAHAHAHA! MCGONAGALL: You children had a chance to have your voices heard, but instead you wasted your vote on that silly bear! KIDS: YEAH!!! MCGONAGALL: Silence! Now obviously, Fozzie Bear cant very well be our newest Headboy! KIDS: BOOOOO! MCGONAGALL: Silence! Because Fozzie is a fictional, puppet who fancies himself a comedian! And even if he werent fictional hes a bear! Im sorry children, but all votes for Fozzie Bear will have to be thrown out! KIDS: BOOOO!


MCGONAGALL: Silence! Now, Im not sure whos behind this prank; but because of your outstanding immaturity, the election has ended in a disastrous draw! KIDS: YEEEEEEEY! GILDEROY: Tisk tisk tisk. For shame on you all. I myself took this business very seriously. Why, I voted for Draco Malfoy. (puts his arms around Draco) And so did my brother, Lidaroy Gockheart. Theres only one way to break this tie, Headmaster. As Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I suggest a Wizard Duel. KIDS: Gasp. GILDEROY: Yes, a wizard duel. With our darling little Draco in one corner, and that tootatstic stinker Potter in the other. The winner will be Head-Boy, and the loser will be just that a big, fat loser. MCGONAGALL: A Wizard Duel? Is seems fair, but putting the children in unnecessary danger for sport? Dear, what would Dumbledore do? HARRY: Its okay, Professor. Im not afraid of Malfoy. MCGONAGALL: Oh, alright. Children, clear these benches, back as far away as you can, and put on your 3D glasses! Things are about to get messy, in fabulous 3D! (all the kids prepare for the Wizard Duel; Draco takes Goyle aside) DRACO: Goyle, Ive been thinking, what does this election really mean to me? Is it worth endangering my relationship with one of my oldest friends, Harry Potter? What say you, campaign manager? GOYLE: Hm No. DRACO: And you, Candy Lady? CANDY LADY: Candy from the trolley, dear? DRACO: I thought you might say something like that. Its settled then. Im going to march over to Professor McGonagall right now and conceit my candidacy. (Draco heads towards McGonagall, but is stopped by Harry) HARRY: Malfoy. DRACO: Harry, I have great news. Ive come to a decision HARRY: And so have I. You better get ready, cause I am gonna kick your butt so hard youre gonna burp out farts. DRACO: Harry, I know this green-eyed election-monster has the best of us, but remember were friends. HARRY: No were not Malfoy! Dont you get it?! I never was, and I never will be your friend. I hate you. DRACO: (wipes away a single tear) Hm I see So it is to be war between us? HARRY: Bingo. (Harry and Malfoy take opposite sides of the dueling arena; Gilderoy stands between them) GILDEROY: Alright boys, I want to see a good clean duel. And Draco, dont shy away from those Unforgivables if youre in a pinch. (Gilderoy raises his hand and the room falls silent with anticipation) Ok. On the count of 4. (he counts off) Uh one, two, three, four (and the Wizard Duel song begins) SONG- THE SCHOOL IS MINE DRACO: Harry Potter, lover of only himself, Do you recall the memories we've shared?


You never once was nice. You never cared at all. Now you will! I'll have you running scared. HARRY: Draco Malfoy You know nothing of my life All I am is what I do. I can not let you win You snobbish evil brat! Surrender now before I come for you. DRACO: You know nothing of Malfoy! I have more inside of me You will all bow down to me, your reign is at an end You are not the man you think. You are nothing but a fool. I see you now, You never were my friend . HARRY: I am warning you Malfoy I'm a hotter man by far I was born to rid the world of poopy butts like yours I am still the hero here. Your butt is mine to wipe! Give it to me! Get down on all fours!

HARRY & DRACO: At last the lines are drawn into the sand. At last I know exactly where I stand. You may think that I'm on the decline, but tonight this school is mine. Yes, tonight this school is mine! Yes, tonight this school is mine! DRACO: You've had luck in duels before but now we knowYou are just a shadow of a tale from years ago. If you're doubting all you've ever known, then take it as a sign that tonight this school is mine. Yes, tonight this school is mine! Yes, tonight this school is mine! Everte Statum! (Harry flies backwards and lands in a heap) DRACO: As your legacy dies, Malfoy will rise! HARRY: Expelliarmus! (Malfoys wand goes flying out of his hand, Harry runs up and grabs Draco by his shirt and lifts him up in the air)


HARRY: You think you're close to beating me, but you never will the more you try to climb the more you're slipping down the hill. Look into my eyes and know - this is the bottom line: Tonight this school is mine. Yes, tonight this school is mine! Yes, tonight this school is mine! HARRY: Punchify! (A big hand comes out of Harrys wand and punches Draco in the face. Draco falls to the ground and is bleeding from the nose. Harry stands over him with his wand.) DRACO: Well, Potter, finish it why dont you? HARRY: I already have. This duel is mine. (he drops his wand to the ground and turns to leave) DRACO: I dont think so. Serpentsortia! (he shoots a snake from his wand, it plops to the floor. Dean sees the snake and recoils in horror.) DEAN: Motherf*cker, shit, motherf*cker! RON: Harry! Look out! Your wiener! HARRY: Woah! (Harry guards his dick; the snake turns toward Seamus and stares at him with hungry, glossy eyes) SEAMUS: That snake is eyeing the snake (points to his wiener)! Am I right!? Maybe its trying to make friends. (Seamus holds his crotch and makes a voice for his wiener) Back off love! Im spoken for! SNAKE: (in a whispery, hissy voice) Gimme that dick. Gimme that dick. Gimme that dick. HARRY: Seamus! Hey Snake! (the music swells and Harry jumps forward and begins to sing) (singing) Hey, listen snake, I know your life is kinda rough If I was in your shoes, or scales, i wouldn't be so tough. But I can see the girl inside, oh babe you really shine. (spoken) There you go snake. Thats a good girl. Serpensenzia! (The Snake dies) Cause tonight this school Yes, tonight this school Yes, tonight this school is mine! (spoken) I beat the snake! Did you guys just see that? I tamed that vicious serpent with my voice. SEAMUS: You just talked to a snake, is what you did. HARRY: Yeah, I was singing to it. Telling it to leave you alone. I saved Seamus! DEAN: All we heard was a bunch of hissing. PANSY: Hes a parcel-tongue! CHO: Just like Salazar Slytherin. NEVILLE: Oh d-d-dear! GILDEROY: Oh my. What if Harry Potter is the Heir of Slytherin?


EVERYONE: Gasp! RON: Thats ridiculous! HERMIONE: That would mean Harry was the one opening the Chamber of Secrets GILDEROY: It would make sense. Wouldnt it? What Potter? Were you so desperate for attention? You just need to be the main character of everyones life, dont you? But no mystery to solve this year; so you decided to make one. Open the Chamber, petrify students all year, then save the day at the last minute and everyone will cheer like your some kind of a hero?! HARRY: Thats not whats happening! You guys believe me, right? Dean? Luna? (the kids of Hogwarts are silent) GILDEROY: Take a look around boy. Get it through that thick skull of yours! Nobody likes Harry Potter anymore! Whatever spell you had over the world has faded. Weve moved on. So why havent you? HARRY: Im outta here. (Harry runs off) GINNY: Harry, wait! (she runs out after him) GILDEROY: Well, I guess by exiting the dueling arena Potter has forfeit. That means the winner and newest Hogwarts Head Boy is none other than Draco Malfoy. DRACO: Thank you Professor. In honor of my fellow candidate, Fozzy Bear, Ive prepared a joke. Why does Tigger smell? Because he plays with Harry Potter. KIDS: Hahaha! DRACO: Yes, rejoice, people of Hogwarts, Draco Malfoy shall rule over this school with peace and love for a thousand years. But first, there must come a time of swift retribution. Fore I will bring down such a vengeance on those who have teased me in the past. Welcome to my nightmare, slaves. The age of Harry Potter is over. The reign of Malfoy has begun! Hahahaha! GILDEROY: Muahahahahahahahaha!


(Harry runs out of the Great Hall into the Hallways of Hogwarts; poor Ginny follows closely behind) GINNY: Harry! Harry, wait! HARRY: What do you want? GINNY: To talk; about that diary you gave me. Tom Riddles Diary. I think I need your help. HARRY: Like you helped me in the Great Hall?! You didnt even try to stick up for me! You just sat there with Seamus and Dean! Tell them about your diary! Im done helping people. Never again. GINNY: Harry, you may not be popular anymore, but people still need you. Youre Harry Potter! HARRY: No Im not. Not anymore. Everything that made me who I am is gone. I was Harry Potter. (Ginny exits. Harry Begins to sing)


HARRY: There was a time when life had meaning


Not so long ago I knew the lines, it was easy being The star of the show There was a time when things were fine I could make wine from water There was a time when I was happy When I was Harry Potter (Lights dim on Harry. Lights up on Ginny. She looks to her side to find Tom Riddles Diary, at first she is afraid, but she soon picks it up) GINNY: Tom, I think I understand you now. You cant put your faith in anyone. The world is a lonely, terrible place. I think Im ready to know what happened to you after you killed your father. (Lights up on Tom Riddle) TOM RIDDLE: There was a time when I was hopeful When I was good inside Everyone said that I was evil Maybe they were right I changed my name, I went insane I never felt so little I was a fool -to think they could love me When I was Thomas Riddle (Light come up on Harry. Tom and Harry now stand in two pools of light on opposite sides of the stage. They sing together.) HARRY & TOM RIDDLE: Ive fallen From up high The world has said goodbye Im not an angel Not the answer Im just going nowhere faster HARRY: There was a time I was a hero But that heros gone Looking back, I can hardly see him Everyones moved on HARRY & TOM RIDDLE: Cast me aside Throw me away Go on, forget Yesterday And Ill try to forget it too


(As Tom and Harry sing this verse they both remove their house ties) (But) I wish it was Just like it was before (Lights down on Tom Riddle. Harry grabs a broom. Ron and Hermione enter and approach him) RON: Harry. Where are you going? HARRY: Away from here. HERMIONE: Dont say that Harry. Lets go back to the Great Hall; well try to explain things. HARRY: Im not going back to the Great Hall, Hermione. Im never going back. RON: What? HARRY: Im leaving Hogwarts. Forever. You saw what happened back there. Nobody wants me here. And I dont blame em. Who would care about a loser like me? RON: Losers like us, thats who! HERMIONE: Harry. Hogwarts is your home. HARRY: I dont have a home. Goodbye. (Harry hands Ron his Gryffindor tie. Harry walks away from Ron and Hermione as he continues singing.) HARRY: Ive fallen From up high The world has said goodbye Im not an angel Not the answer How did life become a disaster? Im just going nowhere faster There was a time when things were fine I could make wine from water There was a time when I was happy When I was Haaaarry Potter (Harry exits. Lights up on Ginny. She is reading from the diary. We hear Tom Riddles voice.) TOM RIDDLE: And so I left Hogwarts, never to return. For years I wandered, mastering the dark arts; becoming something all would come to fear. And now, tonight, I call on the wizards and witches who entered my service long ago. Which of my servants will answer the call? (Death-Eaters, Harrys entire rogues gallery marches onto the stage) TOM RIDDLE: Now we will see, now we will know, who will be brave enough to return, and who will be foolish enough to stay away. Tonight, I begin my war on this world. Tom Riddle is no more. I am LORD VOLDEMORT! (Tom re-enters, now transformed into VOLDEMORT. Voldemort turns toward Ginny, the Death Eaters fade away.) GINNY: No! It cant be! Youre dead! VOLDEMORT: No, not dead. Nor am I alive yet.


GINNY: I have to stop you! Just go away! Please! VOLDEMORT: You dont have a choice anymore, Ginny. Ive grown too strong to resist. Now, slave, to The Chamber of Secrets! (Ginny enters a trance-like state and begins hissing; behind Voldemort, a large door clanks and opens) Come my Basilisk! For too long youve fed on mere vermin, youll have finer prey than that soon. Lord Voldemort shall provide. (from within the Chamber of Secrets, a gigantic snake, THE BASILISK, emerges) Voldemort does an evil reprise. The Basilisk coils around the stage, as the song comes to an evil climax, lights down End of Act One

A dark stage; suddenly the silence is shattered by a blood curdling scream HANNAH: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (Lights up on HANNAH ABBOTT; who stands motionless in the Halls of Hogwarts, a look of terror frozen on her face; hearing the commotion, McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey rush onto the stage) MCGONAGALL: Heavens to Betsy, whats all the hubbub (she finds Hannah) Oh. Oh my. Not another one. MADAM POMFREY: Oh dear me, its Hannah Abbott. Poor thing. Petrified. Just like the others. How many is that now? MCGONAGALL: Three hundred and forty one. Ill have to send word to the Ministry. The fate of the school will be in their hands now. Well, take Miss Abbott to the infirmary. Spit spot. (Madam Pomfrey takes Hannah away as McGonagall places her wand to her throat) Attention all Hogwarts students! There has been yet another petrification, now putting us over the 340 limit of allowed student casualties in a single school year. As a result, new safety regulations will be implemented effective immediately. Students shall, henceforth, report directly from class to their dormitories. All lollygagging privileges will be suspended until further notice. Beware, children. Hogwarts is no longer safe. Unless the Chamber of Secrets is found, and the monster there is destroyed, the Ministry may close the school forever. Wizard God help us all. (she exits; lights up on Seamus, Dean, Neville, Cho, Lavender and Luna in the Great Hall) LUNA: Close Hogwarts? LAVENDER: Forever? NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-d-dear. SEAMUS: You know, I heard this all wouldnt be a problem if the schools entire supply of Mandrakes didnt get destroyed when somebody mucked up the Herbology Room. DEAN: Yeah, and its too bad those were the last Mandrakes in the whole world. Mandrake juice is the only thing that can cure being petrified. LUNA: Or if somebody kills the Chamber of Secrets monster! That would break the petrification spell! CHO: Yeah, but whos gonna do that, Looney? (Ron and Hermione enter)


SEAMUS: You know whose fault this all is? Harry Potters. I heard it was him that wrecked the greenhouse. The school just blamed it on some Latina chick, cause theys racists DEAN: True that. SEAMUS: But it was actually Harry that did it, and probably on purpose so as no one else could save the school. Bloody darby, couldnt handle not being the hero. Well, where are you now, Harry Potter? Where are you now? RON: Shame on you! KIDS: Huh? (the kids turn to Ron)

RON: I said shame on you, Seamus! Shame on all of you! Look at yourselves. Just sitting around! Complaining. Spreading gossip! Harry didnt destroy the Herbology Room! It was like that when he got there! HERMIONE: Actually Ron, thats the lie we told McGonagall, remember? Harry did destroy the Herbology Room. RON: So now you believe Seamus?! You guys wanna know why Harry always saves the school?! Cause he doesnt wait for someone else to do it. Remember our fourth year, when Igor Karkaroff was bewitching those exchange students. Made them compete in the Tri-wizard tournament, not to be confused with the House Cup tournament. Who was it that unmasked Karkaroff as a Death Eater and sent him to Azkaban? KIDS: Harry. RON: What did you do that year, Cho? CHO: Fooled around with Victor Krum LAVENDAR: Me too. SEAMUS: Yeah, me too. Shooting marbles. Tag. Ordering all them pizzas to Filchs office. We did some right fooling around that year. RON: Or how about our fifth year? When Umbridge became the Minister of Magic and appointed those incestuous Carrow twins as the Dark Arts teachers. Luna, what did you do when the Carrows told you to shoot Neville with the cruciatis curse? LUNA: Asked if I could try the killing curse.


RON: Who was the only one of us that refused to raise his wand against a fellow student? KIDS: Harry. RON: And when the Carrows tried to torture the location of the DAs headquarters out of Cho, who tricked them into walking through Devils Snare where they were torn asunder?! KIDS: Harry. RON: Then united the giants against Umbridges evil ministry!? Who was it!? KIDS: Harry! RON: Thats right Harry. And how do we repay him? Tell him he stinks. Drive him away. Well, the schools in bigger trouble than ever this time. And I hope youre all proud of yourselves, cause now the only person standing between you and whatevers in that Chamber of Secrets, is your new Head Boy Malfoy. (Goyle enters, followed by Draco being rolled into the room atop the Candy Trolley by the Candy Lady; he sits on it as if it were a throne) DRACO: Well, well, well, if it isnt the ignorant mob that handed me supreme power. They all look so tiny from up here. Dont they, Goyle? GOYLE: Yes. DRACO: (to the kids) The Head Boy Draco Malfoy will now hear your questions, concerns, praise, worship KIDS: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! DRACO: Order! None of that sounded like worship! DEAN: Whats your plan to save the school Malfoy? For dealing with this Chamber of Secrets mystery?! DRACO: Plan? What do you mean plan? I have a four-step plan already in place. Do nothing. Watch mudbloods get petrified. Laugh. Repeat. And I promise, my administration will do all we can to aid this Heir of Slytherin hero! Draco Malfoy will bring change you can believe in! KIDS: BOOO!!! DRACO: Damn. (to himself) I need to fire my speechwriter. SEAMUS: Youre the Head Boy! Do something to save the school! Lead us! DRACO: Okay. Well I can do that. I can lead you straight to folly or disaster. Which would you prefer? SEAMUS: Folly! LUNA: Disaster! DEAN: Which is worse? DRACO: Oh, theyre both very bad. KIDS: BOOO! DRACO: Silence! Silence you worms! I wish you had one neck, Id hack it through! I dont claim to be as deft a politician as that Fozzy Bear. But I think we can all agree that I fill the office of Head Boy better that Harry Potter ever could! RON: Thats not true Malfoy! Your rule is a pathetic sham! DRACO: Silence yourself, Weasley! Dont you know I have the power to make anyone in this school do just what I please!? Why dont you stop wasting my time and go cry about it to your two girlfriends? RON: Gasp! HERMIONE: Ron, girlfriends? RON: What are you talking about Draco? Ive uh. only got one girlfriend.


DRACO: Oh yeah? Then what about that little slut right there? (he points to Lavender Brown, she blushes) HERMIONE: Lavender Brown? DRACO: Oh, havent you heard. Didnt he fess up? Or is Weasley a liar as well as a fat, ugly, cheating scumbag. RON: Hermione. Its true. Lavender Brown and I choreographed an affair behind your back Im so sorry. I tried to tell you so many times well, I tried to tell you once. Then I lied so you wouldnt break up with me. Could you PLEASE not break up with me!? HERMIONE: Ive been so busy all year. Writing those Harry Potter essays for Gilderoy Lockheart, doing work for my future. Our future! and you go off and do this. RON: Our future? Where youre just bored with me and we never kiss?! And you wont put down those crappy young adult novels?! I hate Gilderoy Lockheart! HERMIONE: Ron, dont you remember how the Scarf of Sexual Preference sorted me when I came to Hogwarts? Waiting till marriage. I thought you understood that! Im sorry that I wanted our next kiss to be our wedding! I dont think I better be around you anymore. RON: But HERMIONE: Just go. (Ron sulks away; after a moment, Draco saunters over to Hermione and puts his arm around her) DRACO: Tut tut; what a shame. Believe me, Miss Granger, I know how much it hurts to be betrayed by someone you love. When I found Paddington Bears big floppy hat in mine and Doras crib, it tore me apart. I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to, or just have comforting sex with, you can always come to me. (Hermione pushes him away) HERMIONE: In your dreams Malfoy! DRACO: Filthy Mudblood! (he crawls back atop the Candy Trolley) You could have joined me up here, Granger, if only you had the courage. Goyle! Knock those books from her hands! (Goyle knocks Hermiones books from her hands) Excellent work. The future is littered with prizes for those who bend to my will. Here you are, Goyle. (he takes a candy bar from the trolley and hands it to Goyle) Theres plenty more where this came from. GOYLE: Snickers? DRACO: Candy Lady, to Potions class! Show me the meaning of haste. (Draco, Goyle and the Candy Lady exit; most of the Hogwarts kids head off to class, except Cho Chang, who approaches Hermione) CHO: Hey Herman. HERMIONE: Hey Cho. CHO: Looks to me like you need some Head Girl advice. You know what I would do if I was you? HERMIONE: What? CHO: I would find someone that Ronald Weasley cannot stand and I would re-cheat that no good scrub for the win. Just think about it. (she exits) HERMIONE: Re-cheat Ron? Hmm. But who does Ron hate more than anyone? Besides Malfoy of course. (McGonagall rushes into the room) MCGONAGALL: Miss Hermione Granger! There you are. Professor Gilderoy Lockheart requests you presence in his office immediately! (she exits; Hermione gets an idea and rushes off)



Lights up on Hermione, who stands outside Gilderoy Lockhearts Office. HERMIONE: Wellhere we go. Thisll show Ron. (Hermione enters the office. Gilderoy is working at his desk) Hello Mr. Lockheart. Its me Hermione Granger. (Gilderoy looks up and notices her) GILDEROY: Took you long enough. Get in here! HERMIONE: Whatever you say Professor! (Hermione rushes over to Gilderoy) GILDEROY: I wanted to talk about these essays of yours. (Gilderoy holds up Hermiones Harry Potter essays) HERMIONE: Youve read my Harry Potter essays already? GILDEROY: Yes. I think you have quite a gift. Your witty prose delivers a sophisticated humor packed with plenty of ghoulish giggles. That being said THIS IS AWFUL! AWFUL WORK! (Gilderoy throws the essays on the floor) HERMIONE: But I thought you liked it. I thought it made you ghoulishly giggle! GILDEROY: Giggle? Yes! But chortle?! Hardly! Why, I cant even remember a single guffaw escaping my lips whilst reading this GARBAGE! THIS TRASH! HERMIONE: Yes! This is just like one of my fan fics! (Hermione turns away from Gilderoy and begins talking to herself) This is your chance Hermione Granger. Ron will feel so stupid after this. (Hermione turns back to Gilderoy)

HERMIONE: Oh yes! Scold me Professor! Teach me a lesson I wont ever forget! GILDEROY: Oh, intend to do just that. Im going to teach you a thing or two about dramatic flow! In your Harry Potter essays everything exciting happens in Harrys first and second years, but the rest of it is extremely boring. So Ive taken the liberty of tweaking your essays a bit! HERMIONE: Feel free to tweak anything you want Professor! I want you to! GILDEROY: Good! Cause Ive tweaked plenty! I had to rearrange everything! I changed Voldemort, of course. Hes arguably Harrys main villain, but in your story hes defeated


in year two. Thats moronic! I made sure he was in it throughout, and only gets beat at the end climax! HERMIONE: Im sure its better. You must be great at making things climax. GILDEROY: Well I did the best I could, but this one still stinks. Harry just bounces the killing curse back at Voldemort again! Its lame; but hopefully Ive killed off enough side characters to make some people cry. HERMIONE: You can make cry. My eyes already getting wet. And thats not all GILDEROY: Youre right thats not all! Ill tell you what else is boring about your essays! All these human characters! Why arent any of these characters dogs!? Your story has no dog appeal! HERMIONE: Waitwhat? GILDEROY: Do you have any idea how many people in the world are dogs!? Why do think Twilight sold like hot cakes? Cause I had the wolf market cornered! HERMIONE: Um. Okay. Sorry. I guess I just dont know how to write for dogs. Maybe you could teach me about doggy-style, Professor. GILDEROY: No! I cant! If you dont know how to write for dogs by now youll never learn! Ive already made the changes for you. I took one of the less interesting characters, Sirius Black, and turned him into a dog. You see, you have to give the pooches out there a character they can relate to; throw them a bone, so to speak. HERMIONE: I wouldnt mind a bone! GILDEROY: Quiet you! I also made Professor McGonagall a kitty. A fancy cat! And that Peter Pettigrew, hes a kindred spirit; I turned him into a mouse. HERMIONE: Well if youve done everything already, whyd you call me in here? Didnt you want me? Dont you WANT ME? GILDEROY: I do WANT YOU to sign this release form. (Gilderoy hands Hermione a release form and a quill) Handing over all creative rights of these Harry Potter essays to me. HERMIONE: Fine. (Hermione signs the form) Can we stop talking about Harry Potter now? (Hermione hands the form to Gilderoy; he takes it) GILDEROY: (looking at the release form) Yeeeeessss. HERMIONE: Good. Lets get to know each other better. You already know me; Im just an innocent young girlwhos never done anything crazy. But youre such a mystery. What are your hopes? What are your dreams? What are your deepest fantasies? GILDEROY: My fantasies? Oh, you wouldnt understand my fantasies. HERMIONE: Try me? Tell me Mister Lockheart; if you could do anything, right here, right now; anything at all; who would it be? GILDEROY: If I could do anything? HERMIONE: Yeah. (Hermione unbuttons the top button of her shirt) GILDEROY: If I could do anything, I think I would shrink myself to the size of a mouse. Id leave the world of men behind me forever, and I would start a new life amongst the mice. And I would bring technology, and art, to those uncultured swine! Build tiny tools for their mouse hands; made from toothpicks, and marshmallows! And I would be their king. Neigh, their prince! Gilderoy the mouse prince! Ruling from my grand castle, inches high! Carved from the finest cheeses! And there I would dwell, with my three beautiful mouse wives. And my twelve mouse concubines! HAHAHA! Ohhhhh, but the wars wed have with the frogsTerrible Just terrible. Those meadow-mice warriors; the atrocities theyve seen. Yes that is my dream. My secret


dream. What a minute! Im not alone! (Gilderoy turns to Hermione) What the hell are you still doing here POTTER!? HERMIONE: Im not Harry Potter. GILDEROY: Oh yeah? Then why do you dress like him? HERMIONE: Uh.. GILDEROY: Youll have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool the mouse prince! (Gilderoy walks over to his desk) Well Im through with your meddling; its time to take care of you once and for all. (Gilderoy opens the top drawer of his desk, takes something out, and then walks toward Hermione. Gilderoy sets down a small white mouse next to Hermione: this is Sprinkles) Sprinkles, escort him out of my office. (Sprinkles scurries away) Where are you going!? Wait! (Sprinkles runs to a mouse hole in the wall; Gilderoy dives after Sprinkles; but doesnt catch him in time. Sprinkles runs through the hole. Gilderoy is baffled) Howd you fit through that hole!? Ive never been able to fit through it! Damn. Double damn and shit! Oh Sprinkles, my closest accomplice, how could you leave me now? You know how much I appreciate your friendship and council. Now whos going to grade all these papers!? (Gilderoy point toward a pile of midterms on his desk) Well, good reddens! I wont allow myself to be governed by a fussy little mouse any longer! (Gilderoy turns his attention back to Hermione)And you Potter. Yoooooou. (Gilderoy walks over to a chair and sits down) Im going to sit down in this chair and close my eyes for the next eight hours. And when I open them, for your sake, youd better beZzzzzzZzzz. (Gilderoy falls asleep) HERMIONE: What a f*cking idiot. (Hermione exits the office; in the hall, she happens upon a possessed Ginny) GINNY: Wuuuuuuuhhhhhh HERMIONE: Hey Ginny. Whats up? GINNY: Duuuuuuhhhh HERMIONE: Okay Ginny, Ive noticed that you havent been saying as many stupid things lately, but I think its cause you havent said anything in days. Is everything okay? GINNY: Uuurrrhhh! (Ginny runs off) HERMIONE: Hmm. What is that girl up to? (Hermione suspiciously follows Ginny)


Lights up on the Headmasters Office; the place is in shambles; Ginny holds the diary in one hand and rips through drawers and cabinets with the other, as Voldemort barks orders to her. Voldemort looks up at a portrait of Hogwarts former Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore VOLDEMORT: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Dumbledore, you old fool! I know youve hidden the Resurrection stone somewhere in your office! Keep looking, slave! Even if you have to tear this whole school apart, brick by brick! (Hermione enters and sees Ginny destroying the office; she cant see Voldemort) HERMIONE: Ginny? Whats going on? GINNY: Huuuh? VOLDEMORT: Eek! Get rid of her! Get rid of her! (Voldemort hides behind a desk; he is not spotted by Hermione; that was a close one!) HERMIONE: You realize its against the rules to destroy the Headmasters office. Ginny, youve been acting like a real rule-breaker ever since you got that diary.


VOLDEMORT: Journal. HERMIONE: Wait the Death Eaters were after that thing for some reason that night in the Department of Mysteries. Maybe you should let me hold onto that (she tries to grab the diary, but Ginny recoils) GINNY: Uhhh! HERMIONE: Give me that diary, you spaz! (Hermione grabs at the diary, Ginny punches her in the face) Ow! (she holds out her wand) Accio diary. GINNY: No! (the diary flies from Ginnys hands and into Hermiones; she examines the name on the front of it, her back is to Voldemort) HERMIONE: Tom Marvolo Riddle? Wait a second If I just take this letter here, and rearrange it with this letter and move this here and that there (Hermione scratches out some notes on a piece of paper; quickly deciphering that letter-rearranging trick) Now it reads Am I Lord Voldemort? (she got it a little wrong) VOLDEMORT: No! I AM Lord Voldemort! (Voldemort jumps out from behind the desk) HERMIONE: No. No. This cant be happening! Youre dead! VOLDEMORT: Nope! HERMIONE: Harry defeated you! Dumbledore destroyed all the Horcruxes. VOLDEMORT: Nope! There was one he missed. One that was hidden, until now. HERMIONE: The diary? VOLDEMORT: Thats right, the journal. HERMIONE: Youre the Heir of Slytherin! Youre the one opening the Chamber of Secrets! VOLDEMORT: Uhhhhh.Duh! HERMIONE: But why are you petrifying everyone? VOLDEMORT: Besides the fun of it? Well Miss Granger, Im afraid it was nothing more than a red herring! To keep you idiots distracted while I hunt down the real prize; the Resurrection Stone. Once I have it, Ill be whole again. The bitch is back, and theres hell to pay. You do realize, now that you know the truth, you must be silenced? HERMIONE: Are you going to kill me? VOLDEMORT: Nope! I think Ill put you on ice. Save you for later. Oh slave!! Summon my beast from the Chamber of Secrets! GINNY: Hiiiiisssss VOLDEMORT: (turns to Hermione) Id run if I were you. (Hermione makes a break for it; in the distance, the sound of a giant approaching snake grows louder and louder) BASALISK: Wheresssssss that sssstupid human you want me to get? Ill murderlizessss em. Lemme at em. Lemme at em! Hisssssss (as Hermione runs through the halls, she takes a piece of paper and begins to scribble on it)


HERMIONE: To whoever finds this note BASALISK: Lemme at em. Lemme at em! Take thisssssss HERMIONE: Destroy the diary (as Hermione rounds a corner, she comes face to face with the Basalisk) DUUUURRRRRHHHHH!!!!!!!! (she is petrified, lights down)


(Lights up on the Infirmary of Hogwarts; MADAME POMFRY solemnly attends to the hundreds of petrified students. Ron rushes into the room.) RON: Madame Pomfry! Madame Pomfry! POMFRY: Oh Ronald, there you are! RON: I came as soon as I got your telegram. What's up? POMFRY: Well, I didn't know who else to call. Her nearest of kin were unreachable, then I remembered the two of you were an item so... RON: Oh god, LAVENDER! POMFRY: No Ronald, it's not Lavender Brown... It's Hermione. (she pulls back a hospital curtain to reveal a petrified Hermione lying motionless on a cot) RON: Hermione? Oh no... OH NO! What happened to her, doc?! POMFRY: Shes been petrified, Ronald, badly. And unless someone puts a stop to that Chamber of Secrets Monster, Im afraid she doesnt have much time left. (she exits, Ron kneels at Hermiones side) RON: Oh Hermione. I dont know if you can hear me in there but Im sorry. Ive been a lousy boyfriend. Im the one that should be lying on that cot, not you. I dont know if Im cut out to solve this mystery. Im no hero. SONG- IM JUST A SIDEKICK

RON: (singing) It's not fair Its not fair I didn't know I wasn't there Its not fair Its not fair Seeing you lying there I wasn't strong enough to save you from the evil stuff I wasn't smart like you To do what you would do


I know Im not a leading man I know Im not a star but I know what makes me special is what I feel in my heart.... Im just a sidekick but I love being at your side I've been in the shadows for far too longBut I'm the leading man of this song I was a stupid doofus but now that's gone Im ready for a change, gonna keep calm and carry on! I know I'm not a pretty boy, but I'm a man I'll find a way to save ya baby, yes I can don't confuse the way i was with the way I am Im ready for a change, gonna take a stand I'm just a sidekick Im just a sidekick Im just a sidekick but I love being at your side I'm always forgotten always come in second place I'll never be a front man no one can remember my face If I was in a dinner I would surely be the less prominent taste but when I think of how I feel for you and the love I have inside I forget about all the things I am not and my heart swells up with pride Am I the strongest (no Im not) Am I the smartest (no Im not) Am I the hottest (no Im not) But am I the greatest (no I'm not) Am I the hero (no I'm not) Am I the one who steals the show (no I'm not) Am I the one who you should know (no Im not) But am I the one who takes you home (definitely not) Am I the chosen one (no Im not) Am I the prodigal son (no Im not) Am I almost done (no Im not)


But I'm the one who's gonna love you with-- all of his heart because... that's what I got! I'm the one who's gonna love you with-- all of his heart because... that's what Ive got! I'm not a great athlete, I'm no good at art I know my brain is not my most impressive part My wand can barely work and my car won't start but I know what makes me special's what i feel in my heart Im just a sidekick Im just a sidekick Im just a sidekick but I love, I love, I love being at your side (Ron grabs Hermiones hand, where he finds the note crumpled inside) RON: Whats this? (he reads from it) To whoever finds this note, The Chamber of Secrets is being opened by Lord Voldemort. Hes back. Theres one final horcrux. Destroy the diary What diary?! Oh shit. (Draco Malfoy runs in) DRACO: Madame Pomfry! I came as soon as I received your telegram! Madame Pomfry? Where is she? Wheres... Hermione. (he sees her frozen body) Oh no. RON: This is all your fault, Malfoy! You're the Head Boy and you didnt do anything to find out who was opening the Chamber of Secrets! DRACO: Now now, pointing fingers wont solve anything, no matter how true it may be. RON: Well Hermione figured it out! Its Voldemort. Hes the Heir of Slytherin. Hes back. So why dont you just get outta here?! Youre the last person I wanna talk to right now! DRACO: Wait. Just hear me out, okay?! I know we havent always gotten along. I hate you because you have everything I could ever want and dont deserve any of it. RON: I agree. And I hate you because someone told me to. DRACO: But despite our differences, we do have something in common Neither of us wanted this to happen to Hermione. RON: Okay, so what do you suppose we do about it? DRACO: Us? Theres very little we can do. You and I are the two stupidest people I know. But together, we just might be smart enough to find someone who is smart enough to save the school and Hermione. RON: Youre right! If were dealing with Voldemort theres only one guy to turn to. The one guy that has the power to make the impossible possibleWe need to find Harry Potter! Hes the savior of Hogwarts; thats his thing! But how are we gonna do that? He could be anywhere! To find him it would take all the luck in the world. DRACO: Luck eh? Well, we could always use this! (Malfoy removes a small vile of liquid from beneath his robes) RON: Malfoy, is that what I think it is? DRACO: No. Its Felix Felicis. The most powerful good-luck potion in the world. Professor Slughorn gave it to me last year before he got busted for collecting young boys. RON: Whoa! Youve had Felix Felicis this whole time and you havent used it? DRACO: Of course Ive used it Weasley! How do you think I got those two votes in the Head-Boy election?!


RON: Well hand it over! (he reaches for it, but Malfoy pulls away) DRACO: Ah ah ah Weasley. We havent discussed the subject of payment. RON: Payment?! Malfoy, you butthead! Isnt saving the school payment enough? DRACO: Nope. I want something else. What Ive always wanted really. If were able to save the school, and stop Hermione Granger from dying we both get to date her. RON: Argh. DRACO: Or I could just drink the last of my Felix Felicis and hit the penny arcade RON: Alright! Alright! You win, Malfoy. I guess sharing Hermione is better than burying Hermione. DRACO: Excellent. HAHAHA! (he pours half of the viles contents into a small cup and hands it to Ron) Okay, Weasley, heres half of whats left. Now, when you drink this potion, youll have better luck than youve ever had before. But the effects are only temporary and they wont last long. RON: Malfoy, you look for the Chamber of Secrets. When I get back with Harry, well need you to show us where it is so we can solve this mystery once and for all! DRACO: Got it. Well good luck, my man. RON: Bottoms up. (Ron and Draco down the felix felisis, it makes both of the boys groggy) Woah, this feels goooooooood. DRACO: Alright, gotta find the Chamber of Secrets. Will do right after I go to the bathroom. The prefects bathroom. But wait, Filtch has the boys one closed for repairs. Oh well, Ill just have to use the girls Hm. I have the curious desire to hiss at some graffiti of a snake. (Draco wanders off) RON: Okay Ron. First things first: transportation. Gotta find a broom, or learn how to apperate really quick. Its too bad that flying car drove off on the first day of THE FLYING CAR: Beep Beep! (suddenly The Flying Car appears and pulls up next to Ron) RON: The Flying Car! THE FLYING CAR: (sputtering, trying to explain itself for running away) PuuuPuuuPupupupPuuu! RON: You dont have to explain anything. Youre hear now and thats all that counts. Quick lets blow this (Suddenly the flying cars door swings open, hitting Ron in the face. Gilderoy Lockheart emerges from the drivers seat) GILDEROY: Where are you off to in such a hurry, SNEEZLEY!? RON: Oh what luck, an adult! Maybe you can help me! Im trying to find Harry Potter! GILDEROY: Oh, I know exactly where to find Harry Potter. RON: YOU DO!? GILDEROY: Of course I do. You can find Harry.In your neighborhood bookstore; this fall, motherf*cker. (from within his robes, Gilderoy reveals a hard-cover copy of the book Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone) RON: What the hell is that!? GILDEROY: This my dear boy, is a young adult novel; my latest work. Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone. Catchy title, wouldnt you say? RON: Sorcerers Stone? Do you mean Philosophers Stone? That stupid piece of crap Draco found at Pigfarts? GILDEROY: Yes. I thought it was safer to call it the Sorcerers Stone; so its very clear that this book is about wizards. RON: Wait!? Why would any-wizard in the world not know that a book about Harry Potter was about wizards?


GILDEROY: Hohoho. This book isnt for wizards, you meddlesome ass its for muggles. RON: Muggles? Muggles dont know anything about Harry GILDEROY: Which makes them the perfect market. Beautiful isnt it? In our world Harrys story is common knowledge. But to muggles, Harry Potter is brand new! In fact, its the cash cow franchise of the decade! You see, Ive been pulling this is a little scam for a while now. I go to the muggle world, find a popular book series, bring it to the Wizarding World, slap my name on it, and sell it to idiot wizards. But then I got the idea to do the same thing but different. Take a wizard story, and sell it to muggles. So I coned some stupid troll into writing this shlock for me and ALAKAZAM! Every eleven year old in the world will be wishing they were Harry Potter! RON: But Mr. Lockheart, if you sell Harrys story to muggles youll expose wizards! Thats like taking our whole world and and GILDEROY: F*cking it in the face? RON: Yeah. GILDEROY: Thats the idea. Im going to make these books HUGE; then real fun begins! Do you have any idea how much Im going to make on merchandise? The Severus Snape beach towel! The Hermione Granger toothbrush! How about a real wand you little muggle bastards!? Well guess what kiddies: theyre just resin! They dont shoot spells! And boy howdy, do they break like f*cking twigs! (he snaps one of those movie replica wands in half) T-Shirts, bed sheets, video games, action figures. And in time, a theme park in sunny Orlando Florida; 85 bucks a head! How about a real Butterbear! 9 bucks please! Its just cream soda you F*CKING. IDIOTS! Im going to squeeze the Harry Potter franchise for every, last, red cent. And once I have all that money, Im going to shrink myself to the size of a f*cking mouse. RON: Youre mad Gilderoy. GILDEROY: Ive worked hard to drive Potter away, that stinker. Who do you think made all those buttons? Im not letting you bring him back to stop me now! RON: Then youll have to kill me! Cause Ill do anything to bring Harry back! GILDEROY: (brandishing his wand) Oh no you wont Sneezley. I happen to be quite adept at memory charms. After Im done with you, you wont remember anything about Harry Potter. But dont worry; you can read him and all his friends for only $29.95. Now saw goodbye to your memories! OBLIVI- (just then the door to the room bursts open) WIZARD COP #1: FREEZE MOTHERF*CKER WERE THE WIZARD COPS!!! (Wizard Cops flood the stage) GILDEROY: NO!!!! KINGSLEY: On the ground! GILDEROY: Youll never take me alive! KINGSLEY: Fire! (the Wizard Cops open fire on Gilderoy; he holds his own wand to his head and puts a spell on himself) GILDEROY: Reducio! HAHAHAHAHAA!! (Gilderoy shrinks himself to the size of a mouse and makes a break for it) KINGSLEY: Whered he go!? WIZARD COP #1: Look! Hes headed for that mouse-hole! KINGSLEY: Bust that sucka! (Gilderoy escapes into the mouse-hole) WIZARD COP #1: He got awayfor now.


KINGSLEY: Damn. According to our Ministry files Gilderoys got a time turner stashed away somewhere; I sure hope he dont do nothing with those twisted Harry Potter books. RON: Kingsley Shacklebolt! KINGSLEY: You sure are lucky Ron Weasley. The Wizard Cops just got to Hogwarts when our man inside told us you might be in trouble. RON: Man on the inside? Whos that? (Hagrid enters) HAGRID: Hagrid! Thats who! Ive been working with the Wizard Cops all year. Keeping an eye on you lot. And I think it just paid off! So what do you say, Kingsley? Can I please be a real Wizard Cop? KINGSLEY: Oh well see about that junior deputy. (He hands Hagrid a plastic starshaped badge) HAGRID: GASP! KINGSLEY: Hagrid. Welcome: to the Wizard Cops! WIZARD COP #1: Word. HAGRID: Thank you! This is a dream come true! KINGSLEY: Now, lets do the job we actually came here to do! Get all the kids out of their dormitories and into the courtyard. RON: Why? KINGSLEY: Were evacuating Hogwarts. The schools not safe anymore. Kids getting petrified. Monster on the loose. The whole Wizarding world could be in danger. The Ministry has made its decision; were getting everyone out and were destroying the castle. RON: No! KINGSLEY: This is the end of the line. In about thirty minutes the Wizard Air force will be here; and theyre blowing up Hogwarts. RON: Mr. Shacklebolt! You gotta wait! We can still save it! KINGSLEY: Back off Ron! I got a job to do. Hagrid; keep an eye on him. And if I catch you or any of Dumbledores Army trying to get in our way, Ill take you down myself. Im sorry Ron; its for your own good. (Kingsley and the Wizard Cops exit as McGonnagol appears to address the school, her wand at her throat) MCGONNAGOL: Attention all Hogwarts students! This is an emergency! Please exit the castle and prepare to apparate off school grounds! This is not a drill! (she exits) RON: No HAGRID: Ron! Psst! Ron! Come here! Im puttin my badge on the line herebut I dont care! (Hagrid leads Ron to the open front door of the flying car) Get in the flying car! Go find Harry! Bring him back! We cant let Hogwarts be destroyed! RON: If only Harry hadnt left! If only you didnt scare him away with that stupid pep talk of yours! HAGRID: Ron! You listen to Hagrid! I told Harry just what he needed to hear. This might come as a shock to you but Im not a happy person. And I didnt want Harry to end up like me. Because as great as school iswhen you get old and fat like Hagrid; you realize it isnt school you miss. School was shit! It was being young, and skinny, and physically able to have sex. I know this sounds crazy to you; but at seventeen, when your time at school is done, your lifes just startin. Thats what I wanted for Harry. Not this. So think Ron! Where would Harry go if he had nothing left in this world? RON: I think I know.


HAGRID: Then are you waiting for!? Go! (Ron hops in the drivers seat of the flying car and takes off) RON: Goodbye Hagrid! Ill either come back with Harry, or Ill die trying! Lets go Flying Car! (Ron flies off into the night sky)


(Harry enters the village square of Godrics Hollow; in the middle of the square, stands a huge statue of Harry) HARRY: Here I am. Godrics Hollow, the place of my birth. The one place in this wretched world where Ill be remembered for all time. (He touches the statue fondly) Youre not going anywhere, are ya buddy? (A MAN WITH A BEARD enters, hes dressed as a construction worker in flip-flops) MAN WITH THE BEARD: Alright! Let her rip! (a wrecking ball flies onto the stage, smashing the Harry Potter statue to a million pieces) HARRY: Hey! Whatd you tear down that statue for?

MAN WITH THE BEARD: What? That old eyesore? Citys been getting to many complaints about that thing. We gotta make room for this! (motions to his crew offstage) Bring it in boys! A new statue of Spider-Man! HARRY: Well, if Im being replaced by Spider-Man, I guess I can live with that. (A giant, full color statue is dropped into place) MAN WITH THE BEARD: Yep, Andrew Garfield. HARRY: What? No. Toby Maguire is Spiderman. MAN WITH THE BEARD: Who? HARRY: You know. Toby Maguire? Spiderman? MAN WITH THE BEARD: Oh! You mean from those old movies? Yeah, I saw those once. What was the bad guy in those? He was like a green gremlin with those robot snakes on his back; could turn to sand or something. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Did you know they do all that with computers? Say kid, why the long face?


HARRY: I guess not even the Spiderman movies are sacred, are they? I thought people would remember those forever. I take back all the bad things I ever said about Spiderman 3. Sam Raimi did the best he could, given the circumstances. Studios breathing down his neck; Avi Arad making him put Venom in the movie. Sam did so much good, and in the end they threw him out like yesterdays garbage. MAN WITH THE BEARD: Hey come on kid, theyre just movies. Theyre not that big of a deal. HARRY: Well, if the Spiderman movies arent a big deal, then what is? MAN WITH THE BEARD: Guess that all depends. Take it from me, a professional monument destroyer and re-builder. In the late nineties I was tearing down statues of Batman, now Im building em all over the place. You like Toby Maguire Spiderman, but this Andrew Garfield Spiderman is gonna mean a lot to a ton of kids with bad taste. But one day Ill come and tear him down too if I get the contract, god willing. Things come and go. Nothing lasts forever, and kid, nothings built to. But what do I know, huh? Im just your everyday, working class, run-of-the-mill, blue-collar, gay guy with a beard. Well, were right about to bulldoze the old historic Potter house and the Potter museum. In fact, this whole Harry Potter craze is gonna be over in about thirty minutes. Why dont you go on in there and take one last look around? HARRY: Thanks. MAN WITH THE BEARD: Hey no problem, Harry. I love you. HARRY: Hey howd you--- Huh? (Harry turns to look at The Man with the Beard, but hes gone; Suddenly, we hear the approach of the flying car) RON: Harry? Harry! HARRY: Ron? (Ron lands the Flying Car, jumps out, and rushes to Harry) RON: I knew youd be in Godrics Hallow! HARRY: Man, whatre you doing here? RON: I came to get you. The schools in trouble! HARRY: Again? RON: Big trouble this time! Harry, theyre gonna destroy Hogwarts! HARRY: Why dont you call the wizard cops? Or better yet, have Gilderoy Lockheart take care of it. RON: Both of those people are part of the problem! But thats not the worst of it, Harry. Its Voldemort. Hes still alive. Hes the Heir of Slytherin! HARRY: Voldemort Thats impossible Well Just bounce his own killing curse back at him! That usually works! RON: But hes got the Chamber of Secrets monster this time! And its already petrified half the kids at school! HARRY: Sucks for them. RON: And it got Hermione. Harry, shes petrified And I cant do anything to help her. HARRY: Ron, I cant come with you. RON: Why?! Cause youre afraid to fight Voldemort again?! HARRY: No! RON: Or is it cause nobody thinks your cool anymore?! Who cares! You havent changed! Youll always be cool! Cause cool doesnt come from other people, it comes from you! Here. (Ron takes a Gryffindor tie out of his pocket and offers it to Harry) This is yours. Remember what this means? The house of the brave. The house of the good guys. Theres a reason you got put in this house. Harry, Ive gotten as far as I can go. I need you to finish this.


HARRY: It must nice having someone to come crying to when you cant do things for yourself. RON: Yeah, it was nice Having a friend to rely on. Harry Potter was my best friend, but you know what? Youre not Harry Potter. HARRY: Thats right. RON: Well, whoever you are, you dont deserve to be my friend Here. (Ron throws Harrys tie to the ground and exits; Harry stares at it for a moment, then slumps to his knees; he drops his head into his hands until he hears a strange, muffled music emitting from his pocket) HARRY: Huh? (he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the snitch that Dumbledore left to him) My lucky snitch? (he reads the inscription on it aloud) "I open at the close." (the snitch magically opens to reveal a beautiful shimmering stone, The Resurrection Stone; behind Harry, the ghost of his father, JAMES POTTER, fades into existence and sings) SONG- EVERYTHING ENDS JAMES: (singing) You dont know what youre hiding from How did life become such a sad song HARRY: (speaking) Dad? (the ghost of SIRIUS BLACK appears) SIRIUS: (singing) You dont know what youre fighting for What you came here for, feeling all alone HARRY: (speaking) Sirius. JAMES: You have loved SIRIUS: You have lost JAMES & SIRIUS: How could this be happening? JAMES: All alone SIRIUS: On your own (REMUS LUPIN's ghost appears) JAMES, SIRIUS & LUPIN: But you shouldnt give up No you shouldnt do that! HARRY: (speaking) Lupin! JAMES, SIRIUS & LUPIN: Never ever give up! No you never do that! HARRY: Dad, Sirius, Lupin!


JAMES: Hello son. LUPIN: Hey Harry. HARRY: What are you guys doing here? I thought you all died. LUPIN: We did. But you brought us here, Harry. HARRY: How? SIRIUS: That thing in your hand. That's what Dumbledore left to you. It's called the Resurrection Stone. HARRY: It brings people back from the dead? JAMES: Not really. It just sort of lets you talk to ghosts. HARRY: But everybody at school can do that. LUPIN: It's kind of a piece of shit. (Harry covers his ears) I mean, poopy. SIRIUS: Nothing can stop death, Harry. JAMES: (singing) Nothing is made to last The sun goes up, and falls so fast LUPIN: (singing) The clock looks still, still the hours pass And all that time is never coming back (LILY EVANS appears and joins the three Marauders) JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN & LILY: (singing) Everything has an end Even the lives of family and friends Everything has an end Even when it doesnt make sense HARRY: (speaking) Mom! You're still with dad in heaven? That's beautiful. LILY: Actually. I separated from your father. Hes kind of immature. I found someone new in heaven. (a voice calls out from offstage) CEDRIC: Id say we found each other! (the ghost of CEDRIC DIGGORY enters) HARRY: CEDRIC!? CEDRIC: Why hello there Harry! HARRY: Mom! Youre dating Cedric!? LILY: Were not dating Harry; were married! CEDRIC: Looks like Im your heavenly father, eh Potter! HARRY: MOM! This is the stupidest thing youve ever done! CEDRIC: Hey! You can speak to me however you like. But when you talk like that to my woman, thats when were gonna have words. HARRY: Alright! You suck so much Cedric! CEDRIC: Well agree to disagree. Im glad we could find some common ground. HARRY: UghYoure still doing that? CEDRIC: Well if its not broke, dont find a way to fix it! HARRY: Man. I hate that guy. SNAPE: Tell me about it. (Lights up on the ghost of SEVEROUS SNAPE) HARRY: Snape! SNAPE: Hey Harry. Pop a squat, dude. (Harry sits next to Snape) Listen, we're all here cause we've been watching over you, and it looks like you're having some trouble. At first, I took great pleasure in your suffering, but now it's just bumming me out. What's


the deal, man? HARRY: Snape, I've lost everything that made me who I am. I lost my fame, my purpose. And I'm about to loose Hogwarts. What do I do? How do I make things go back to how they used to be? SNAPE: That's just it, Harry... you can't. JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing) You cant hold on to whats gone Dont try to fix it, just move on Only then, youll see the world all brand new SNAPE: (speaking) The end comes to us all, Harry, whether we like it or not. But sometimes, we get to choice how we go. Look at me, I could've helped the Dark Lord take over the world and lived like a half-blood prince. But instead, I died to protect the last trace of the woman I loved. And did I do it because I thought it would make people like me? No. I hate people. Did I do it to be remembered? No. I did it, because it was right. And now you have a choice, Harry. You can run and hide until you inevitably peter out of existence, or you can go down in one last blaze of glory. JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing) Everything ends Everything ends Everything ends Everything ends HARRY: Snape, if I go back. If I face him again, it'll be my end. SNAPE: Yes. But you have to ask yourself the same thing I did... Would you rather it end any other way? JAMES, SIRIUS, LUPIN, LILY, CEDRIC & SNAPE: (singing) After the sun has had its rest It will arise, and light up the sky! You cant hold onto whats past Nothing is made to last. (as the snitch closes once more, the ghosts fade away and Harry Potter is left alone onstage in a single pool of light; after a moment, his reprise begins.) HARRY: (singing) Underneath these skies I hear the groans, I feel the eyes of my teachers, my mother, and my dad I know how right they are And it stings my lighting scar To know that I couldve messed things up so bad Now the schools in danger And my friend, Hermione Granger Has been petrified Voldemorts been plottin


But theres one thing hes forgotten Im still alive Ive got a plan that Ive been kickin around My friends in trouble so Im skipping this town Hey, its no mystery Its all so clear to me now I gotta get back to Hogwarts (Harry puts his Gryffindor tie back on) I gotta get back to school I gotta myself to Hogwarts How have I been such a fool? Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts To goblins and ghosts, its a magical feast Its all that I love and its all that I need At Hogwarts, Hogwarts I think Im going back Ill save my friends, gonna laugh till we cry Take my firebolt, gonna take to the sky No way this year anyones gonna die And its gonna be totally awesome Ill cast some spells with a flick of my wand Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah bring it on And do it all with my best friend, Ron Cause together, were totally awesome (Ron enters) RON: Yeah, cause together we're totally awesome! HARRY: (speaking) Ron, you came back. RON: Just in the nick of time. I was on my way back to school, but I ran into this man with a beard. He told me youd probably change your mind, and then I heard you singing. HARRY: Ron, sorry I forgot who I was. But I remember now Im your friend. RON: Best friend. HARRY: Now come on, pal! Rev up that flying car! (the Flying Car drives up beside the boys and they hop inside) RON: Lets go buddy! (they take off into the air; Ron sings) We don't have long, but we're goin' back Don't go for work, don't go there for class HARRY: As long as we're together RON: Gonna kick some ass HARRY & RON: And it's gonna be totally awesome Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome We've sick of sulking and this moping around


It's like we're sitting in the lost and found Don't take no sorcery For anyone to see how We gotta get back to Hogwarts We gotta get back to school We gotta get ourselves to Hogwarts Where everything is magicooool! Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts To goblins and ghosts, it's a magical feast It's all that I love and it's all that I need At Hogwarts, Hogwarts I think we're goin' back (Back at school, Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Wizard Cops are finishing the evacuation of Hogwarts; the Kids glumly file out of the school in an orderly line; Neville carries the Sorting Hat and the Scarf of Sexual Preference) KINGSLEY: Keep moving kids! Get as far away from the school as you can! SCARFY: Who would have thought, after all these years it would end like this. SORTY: There, there Scarfy (just then, a Beep beep is heard in the distance) LAVENDER: Did you hear that? DEAN: It sounded just like No, couldnt be. (There is a WOOSH as The Flying Car swoops over the kids heads and flies towards the castle) SEAMUS: Bloody hell Its Harry Potter! DEAN: Hes back? NEVILLE: Hes b-b-back? SEAMUS: Hes back!! CHO: Then theres still a chance to save the school! KIDS: YEH! CHO: Come on yall! (all the Kids of Hogwarts start heading back inside the castle) KINGSLEY: And where the hell do you kids think youre going!? LUNA: Were going to help our friend. KINGSLEY: If you set one foot inside that school youll be in direct violation of the Wizard Cops! WIZARD COP #1: Word! SEAMUS: Stuff it you old geezer! (the kids push past the Wizard Cops and run back into Hogwarts) DEAN: Come on gang! KIDS: (singing) Who knows how fast the schools gonna blow This is our last chance, the end of the show Grab the whole cast; Neville, Luna and Cho CHO: Oh no, this is way too awesome! KIDS: Were back to do anything that we can To save the place where our story began And here we are and alakazam Here we go, this is totally awesome


This school has taught us everything we know The wait is over and were itchin to go I think were ready for Our favorite Gryffindor! AHHHHH! (Harry and Ron land the Flying Car and are greeted by the Hogwarts Kids, who part to make way for Headmaster McGonagall) MCGONNAGOL: Welcome both of you to Hogwarts I welcome back you both to school Did you know that here at Hogwarts Weve always known that you are cool? Youll always have a home at Hogwarts All you hotties, nerds and tools The time has come to fight for Hogwarts So lets go and beat these nasty fools! (Draco rushes onto the stage and sees that Ron has returned) DRACO: Weasley, good. Youve found Harry. Ive found The Chamber of Secrets. It was in the girls bathroom all along. I got the information out of Moaning Myrtle. It wasnt hard to seduce her. The entrance is over the stall with the perpetually clogged shitty toilet with crap smeared all over the ground. We always assumed that one girl in school was just a really messy pooper; but it appears the stall is magically kept gross to ward off the curious. MCGONAGALL: Excellent work, Mr. Malfoy. Harry Potter, youve got to get down there and slay the monster, or else this school and everyone in it will be destroyed. Ill try and stop that Wizard Cop air strike! Prepare my flying machine! (she runs off) HARRY: Alright, guys, lets go. Nobody has to come who doesnt want to. SORTY: Were with you, Harry! SCARFY: Hogwarts is our home too! HARRY: Then its time to take it back. KIDS: (singing) Back for witches and wizards and magical beasts For goblins and ghosts, it's a magical feast It's all that I love and it's all that I need At Hogwarts, Hogwarts Back for spells and enchantments, potions and friends For Gryfindors, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws, Slytherins! Back to the place where our story will end At Hogwarts, Hogwarts RON: I'm sorry, what's it's name?! KIDS: Hogwarts, Hogwarts RON: I didn't hear you guys! KIDS: Hogwarts, Hogwarts


HARRY: (spoken) Man, I'm glad I'm back.


Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, Luna, Seamus, Dean, Cho, Lavender, and the other kids of Hogwarts stand in a tight group in the girls bathroom; Draco points to a picture of a snake above the gross toilet he described earlier. DRACO: Right there. That picture of a snake. Speak parseltongue at it and the Chamber opens. HARRY: Lets do this. Voldemort is going down. Hiiisssss. Come on. (The door to the Chamber of Secrets clanks open and they step inside; the Chamber is dark, wet and cold) Alright everyone. Stick together. (suddenly the voice of Lord Voldemort fills the Chamber) VOLDEMORT: Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived. We meet again, for the last time. (Voldemort emerges from behind a stone pillar) So you came back to die with your school? HARRY: I came back to stop you. How many times do I have to kill you, Voldemort? VOLDEMORT: Clearly more than once. HARRY: You really think you stand a chance? I already beat you; the real you. All you are is a ghost. VOLDEMORT: Not for long. Soon Ill find the Resurrection Stone, and Ill be back. HARRY: You mean this? (Harry removes the resurrection stone from within his robes) VOLDEMORT: Yeessss. HARRY: I hate to rain on your parade, but it doesnt work, Voldemort. It only brings back spirits. It doesnt raise people from the grave. I dont know what you heard, but its just a piece of crap. No one escapes death. VOLDEMORT: Ah, but its not a piece of crap. Youre a piece of crap. It does work. Dumbledore just didnt know how. In order to truly regain life, you have to take it from someone else. (Voldemort summons Ginny from the shadows, she is completely under his control) GINNY: Durrrrrrruuurrruurrrrrr VOLDEMORT: Im gonna use hers. (Harry runs to Ginny, grabs he shoulders, and begins desperately shaking her) HARRY: Ginny! Snap out of it! What did you do to her? VOLDEMORT: Ive been possessing her all year. Devouring her soul. And I should thank you Harry; youre the one that gave her to me. (Voldemort raises his hand, magically making Ginny punch Harry in the face) HARRY: Ow! (Harry recoils, rejoining the group of Hogwarts kids, Voldy puts his hands on Ginnys shoulders) VOLDEMORT: She belongs to me now. And once I have that stone, Ill be able to fully steal her life. Then Ill return, and her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever. HARRY: Youre not gonna get this stone, Voldemort. Ive got a whole school backing me up. This isnt just between you and me. VOLDEMORT: Youre right. This isnt between you and me. Its between you and me and my giant SNAKE! (as Voldemort calls to it, the Basalisk emerges from its resting pool; it rears up and bears its enormous fangs) BASALISK: HISSSSS!!! Im gonna get you stupid humans!!! Take thisss! (the Basalisk advances on the children)


KIDS: CHAMBER OF SECRETS MONSTER!!!!!!! SEAMUS: Bloody hell! That snake is almost as big as the snake.. (he points to his wiener, but accidentally looks into the Basalisks eyes; he is suddenly struck motionless) Duuuhhh--(Dean runs to Seamuss side) DEAN: Seamus! Hes petrified! KIDS: AHHHHHH!!! HARRY: Dont look at that thing! Itll petrify you if you do! CHO: Run for it! (the kids scatter) KIDS: AHHHHHH!!! (the Basalisk gives chase) BASALISK: HISSSSS!!! (Harry, Ron, Draco, Neville, Sorty, Scarfy and some other kids take cover behind a pillar as the Basalisk slithers past) RON: How do we beat the Chamber of Secrets Monster!? We cant even look at it! SORTY: This creature is a basalisk! The sword of Godric Gryffindor is the only weapon strong enough to pierce its scales! It is said the truest Gryffindor, without fear or selfdoubt, will be able to pull the sword from within me! RON: Huh? Howd the sword of Gryffindor get inside you, Sorty? SCARFY: Well, I might have had something to do with that. NEVILLE: Let me try! (Neville reaches into the Sorting Hat, but comes out empty handed) Nothing. HARRY: Ill try. (Harry reaches into the hat, but also fails to pull out a sword) What!? Nothing! SCARFY: Harry! Youre still afraid! Unsure of yourself! (suddenly the Basalisk whips his head around the corner, spotting the hidden kids) BASALISK: HISSSSS!!! Found ya! KIDS: AHHH!!! SCARFY: Well, if we want a fighting chance somebodys gotta blind that thing! Outta the way kids! (Scarfy starts flying toward the Basalisk, Sorty stops him) SORTY: Scarfy Why do you have to be so brave? SCARFY: Youre the one who sorted me into Gryffindor! SORTY: And youre the one who taught this old hat how to love. SCARFY: Goodbye Sorty! SORTY: Be careful! (Scarfy flies at the Basalisk) SCARFY: Take this you tacky snake! HAH!!! (Scarfy jumps onto the Basalisks face, covering his eyes) BASALISK: Oh! I cant see!!! HARRY: Lets try some magic! Everyone! Shoot the snake! (all the kids jump out from behind pillars and begin shooting the Basalisk with spells) KIDS: Magic! Magic! Pow! Pow! Pow! BASALISK: Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Did you guys come here just to hurt me!? Ow! I liked it better when my Chamber was a Secret! (all the spells simply bounce off the Basalisks thick skin) RON: Our spells arent doing anything! His scales are too strong! HARRY: Well at least he cant see us. Everyone be quiet! (all the kids become silent) BASALISK: Huh? Whered they go? Macro. DRACO: Polo. BASALISK: Got you sucker! HARRY: Shit! Draco! (the Basalisk lunges towards Draco, but Harry pushes him out of the way; the Basalisk then starts swinging his tail at Harry, thrashing madly) AHHH!


RON: Harry! Over here! (Harry tries to run to Ron, who is hidden behind a pillar, but before he can, Ginny appears, her wand pointed at Harry) GINNY: Stupefy! (Ginny shoots Harry with a spell) HARRY: Durr! (he falls to the ground; Voldemort appears, he controls Ginny, making her approach the Basalisk and pull Scarfy off its face; Ginny holds Scarfy so Voldemort can look him straight in the button eyes) VOLDEMORT: You! Rrrr SCARFY: Well, well, Tom Riddle. VOLDEMORT: How dare you use that name SCARFY: You may have slicked your hair back, lost the shirt and added a fabulous cape, but youre still that confused little orphan boy from all those years ago. Or a piece of him, at least. The angry piece that never opened his eyes to all the people who tried to love him! VOLDEMORT: Shut up! SCARFY: But youre wrong about the world, just like youre wrong about yourself. People did care about you. Dumbledore did. I did. And I think you care about people too, deep down. And you know it VOLDEMORT: Oh yeah? Hows this for caring? (he grabs Ginnys wand-holding hand and points it at Scarfy) Avada Kedavra! SCAFRY: Ah (Scarfy dies, Ginny tosses him to the ground) SORTY: Scarfy! KIDS: NOOOO!!!! VOLDEMORT: (pointing Ginnys wand toward Harry) Accio Resurrection Stone! (the Resurrection Stone flies from his pocket and towards Voldemort) HARRY: No! (Harry jumps onto the stone, pinning it to the ground) VOLDEMORT: Give me that stone. Basalisk! (the Basalisk begins beating Harry with its heavy tail, over and over) Youre finished. You cant stop me. Remember? Youve lost everything that made you the Chosen One. Youre not the boy you were. Face it, you dont even know who you are. (Harry, though on the ground, still holds the Sorting Hat; with the last of his strength, he reaches inside of it and pulls out the Sword of Godric Gryffindor) HARRY: (singing as he raises) Im Harry freakin Potter! Ill do what I can If what you say I am is true I cant be bothered By my awful past Ive found at last Something I can do So its time I knew Exactly who I am Im Harry Freakin Potter KIDS: Youre Harry Potter HARRY: Im Harry Freakin Potter And Im the man! (Harry stabs the Basilisk in the throat, it begins to wriggle and die) KIDS: Harry Freakin--- (just then, the dying Basilisk jerks its head around and bites Harry) HARRY: Uhhhh!!


RON: Harry? (the Basalisk and Harry fall to the ground; the Basalisk is dead, but Harry is dying; Voldemort walks to the Resurrection Stone and picks it up)

VOLDEMORT: HAAAA!!! YEEESS! At last! Its mine. Come to me, slave! (he holds out his hand and Ginny is drawn to it) I want the last thing Harry Potter sees to be me, sucking the life from his girlfriend. (he grabs Ginnys throat; the Diary falls from her robes and onto the ground next to Harry) Thanks babe! Its been one crazy year! YAH! Oh Harry, how does it feel? Knowing you failed in every way? Knowing that Im gonna walk out of here, and rule this world with blood and terror for all time? And when I do, Im going to make sure every trace of your story is wiped from the face of the Earth. No one will remember you. No one will care. This is your end Harry Potter. HARRY: Well, Voldemort, if Harry Potter cant live forever then neither can you. (Harry lifts up the Sword of Gryffindor and stabs the Diary) VOLDEMORT: What? NO! DUR!! (blood begins to spurt from the Diary as Voldemort convulses) AHHHHHHH!!!! (Voldemorts chest explodes open, a blinding white light shines out) WAWAWA! WHOAA!! (pieces of Voldemorts body break off as he desperately wails; his face flakes away, revealing a grotesque screaming skull; soon all his skin ignites into flame; his burning skeleton crumbles into a mess of gore and green goo; Joe Walker dies; Ginny comes out of her trance in time to see Harry slump onto the ground, fading fast; she and Ron run to his side; the other kids follow) RON: Harry! Oh Harry KIDS: Harry. (Ron picks up Harrys head and holds him in his lap) RON: No No You cant die. HARRY: (weakly) Everything has an end, Ron. This is mine. Thanks for brining me back. RON: No problem, pal. I just never thought Id actually have to say goodbye. HARRY: Well, I guess, nows the time (Harry looses his strength, and slips away; suddenly a giant figure appears in the entrance to the Chamber) HAGRID: Not if old Hagrid has anything to say about it! (Hagrid enters and makes his way to Harry) Stand back kids. Harry, the end will come, but not today. Not today. (From within his coat, Hagrid reveals Fawkes the Pheonix, who begins to cry into Harrys wounds with his magical healing tears) There you go, Fawkes. Give him a good cry. Let it out. (after a long moment Harrys eyes open, he groggily sits up)


HARRY: Woah wipe out. CHO: Well, chocolate frogs! Harry Potter did it yall! KIDS: YEY!!!! (the Hogwarts kids rejoice; Ginny kneels beside Harry and throws her arms around him) GINNY: Oh, Harry Potter HARRY: Ginny. Sorry I was in such hurtful mood all year. I was thinking; dumping you didnt bring me anything good so Wanna date again? GINNY: Really!? You want too? Even if I make you old hat? HARRY: Hey, theres nothing wrong with an old hat, is there Sorty? SORTY: I sure hope not. KIDS: Chuckle chuckle. GINNY: Oh boy! Im so happy! Im gonna tell my diary all about this! (Ginny picks up the bloody, destroyed journal and runs off; Ron picks up Scarfys dead body and gently carries him to Hagrid) RON: But wait, Hagrid, what about Scarfy? HAGRID: Im sorry, kids. The phoenix tears dont work on clothes. KIDS: Scarfy (the kids are silent; only Sorty knows what to say) SORTY: He died how he lived, throwing caution to the wind. And he wouldnt want you kids to be sad for one instant. He would have wanted you to be gay. (just then, McGonagall leads Kingsley Shacklebolt and the Wizard Cops into the Chamber) MCGONAGOL: Look! You see Mr. Shacklebolt! Harry Potter has defeated the Chamber of Secrets monster! The school is safe! It doesnt have to be destroyed! KINGSLEY: It seems so. (he turns to the kids) But you kids! Rushing past my men, fighting a giant snake all by yourselves, going against the direct orders of the Minister of Magic! Those are magic felonies! Why I think I just might give magical medals to all you little heroes! (to the Wizard Cops) Call off the air strike boys! Hogwarts is here to stay! WIZARD COP #1: Word. KIDS: YEH!!!!!! (Madam Pomfrey rushes in) MADAM POMFREY: Its a miracle! The students who were petrified have reawakened! With the exception of Mr. Creevey, who unfortunately died, all the other children have made a full recovery! KIDS: YEH!!! (Hermione stumbles in)


HERMIONE: Whoa. Wipeout. I cant believe the Chamber of Secrets was in the girls bathroom all along. I guess the legends were true. Salazar Slytherin built this place so he could watch little girls pee. (Ron spots Hermione from across the room) RON: Hermione? (he suddenly feels something in Scarfys folds, it is a diamond ring) WaitWhats this? A ring? SORTY: Just as a true Gryffindor can pull the sword from within me; when someone is truly in love they can pull a magical ring from Scarfys folds. Its his last gift to you, Ron. You know what to do with it. RON: I think I do. (Ron hands Scarfy to Hagrid and marches over to Hermione) Hermione! Ive got to explain things- (she puts a finger to his lips) HERMIONE: You dont have explain ANYTHING Ron. I could hear and see everything while I was petrified. Ive already told the wizard cops what Mr. Filch did to me while I was petrified, and hes being arrested as we speak. But I also know that it was you, Ron Weasley, that brought Harry back to save the school; and me. RON: Yeah- Wait? What did Filch do to you? HERMIONE: Ive had a lot of time to think and Ive decided: Gilderoy Lockheart is a creep. And his books suck! Ron, do you mind staying with me, even if I am waiting till marriage? RON: You wont be waiting too long! (he gets down on one knee and holds up the magical diamond ring) Hermione Jean Granger, I wanna get another kiss, so will you marry me? (Draco jumps over, drops to his knee and pulls out a bigger ring) DRACO: And me? HERMIONE: Oh yes! Yes! Wizard God yes! RON & DRACO: I did it! She said yes! (they turn to each other) HEY!! RON: Shut your fat face, fart mouth! She said yes to me! DRACO: No, good sir! She said yes to me! (Ron and Draco begin to wring each others necks, like Homer does to Bart) HERMIONE: Oh my! Two boys who want my kisses! Now I know how Katniss feels! Its wonderful! KIDS: YEH!! (as the kids rejoice, a figure appears in the corner of the Chamber, unseen by the crowd; its Dumbledore, he removes his Man With The Beard disguise) DUMBLEDORE: Haha. You see? Told you Potterd pull through in the end, didnt I Rumby? (Rumbleroar enters and sits beside Dumbledore) RUMBLEROAR: Haha. You sure did. DUMBLEDORE: Well, I guess theres only one problem left... RUMBLEROAR: And what is that, old friend? DUMBLEDORE: How much Im going to miss those sexy little boys! Dissapperate! (Dumbledore and Rumby vanish, leaving only a few magical twinkles behind; Harry is the only one that notices the twinkles, and he knows) HARRY: Well, thats it guys. (He puts his arms around Ron and Hermione; the trio is flanked by Ginny, Draco, and the rest of the gang) RON: Senior year is over. HERMIONE: I think we all graduated. RON: And Voldemort is gone forever. Unless theres some other, unrelated piece of his soul floating around somewhere. HARRY: I doubt it. So I guess that means Butterbeers on me! KIDS: YEH!! (the kids head out of the Chamber, but are stopped by McGonagall)


MCGONNAGOL: No! No! No! What kind of Headmaster would I be if I allowed that?!... Butterbeers on me! KIDS: YEH!! (singing) Dont wanna see you go But its not forever Not Forever Even if it was you know that I would never let it get me down Cause youre the part of me that makes me better Where ever I go So I will try Not to cry Cause now its time to say goodbye (the kids of Hogwarts begin to file out of the Chamber and off of the stage for the last time; Harry shakes each of their hands as they leave) HARRY: Goodbye Seamus, Dean. SEAMUS: Bye mate. DEAN: See you around Harry. (Seamus and Dean exit) NEVILLE: Goodbye Mr. Potter. HARRY: Oh Neville, Im gonna miss you pal. NEVILLE: Oh d-d-d-dear. (Neville begins to cry, but is comforted by Luna, they exit) CHO: Sayonara Harry Potter. (she kisses Harrys cheek) HARRY: Goodbye Cho. (Cho exits, Draco approaches Harry) DRACO: Well, seems like this is goodbye. You sure showed Voldemort, didnt you Potter? HARRY: Yeah, its pretty dangerous to be one of my enemies. Thats why its a good thing that were friends. (Harry extends his arm to Draco and the two shake hands; Draco exits)

HERMIONE: Well, guys, lets go see whats next. (Hermione, Ginny and Ron exit; Harry stands onstage alone for a moment, looking at Hogwarts for the last time; Ron pokes his head back into the room) RON: You ready to go buddy? HARRY: Yeah. Take it easy Hogwarts. Its been totally awesome. (Harry joins Ron, and the two head off into the world, together)



Lights up on Platform 9 and , nineteen years later; a WIZARD CONDUCTOR blows a whistle and calls out CONDUCTOR: All aboard! All aboard the Hogwarts express! (Harry enters; at his side is a timid young boy with glasses and a messy head of hair; this is Harrys son, ALBUS POTTER) HARRY: Alright son. This is it. Your first day of school. ALBUS: Dad, Im scared. Could you come with me? HARRY: No. My time at Hogwarts is done. But you listen to me. You dont have to be scared of moving on to something new. Why, youre named after the two bravest men I ever knew. So go ahead and get on that train, Albus Scarfy Potter. Cause

HARRY: (slowly singing) Now you get to go to Hogwarts Now you get to go to school Now you get to go to Hogwarts I hope you find that swimming pool Off to witches and wizards and magical beasts To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts The things that I love are the things that youll see At Hogwarts, Hogwarts (speaking) Man Im glad you get to go. ALBUS: Thanks dad. HARRY: Ill see you next year boy. I love you! ALBUS: Love you too. Bye! (Albus runs off, onto the train; as Harry turns to leave, a young girl, WANG MU, enters in a hurry) WANG MU: Oh no! Im gonna miss the train to Hogwarts! Come on, daddies! Were so late! (Wang-Mus adoptive parents enter after her, VOLDEMORT and QUIRREL; the two walk back to back, Quirrel wears a turban that covers Voldemort) QUIRELL: Were coming! (as Harry walks by, he bumps into Quirrel) Oops, excuse me!


HARRY: No, it was my fault. Hey Do I know you? QUIRELL: Uhhh No. HARRY: Funny, my scar kind of tickles. Well, see ya! (Harry exits the stage) QUIRELL: Voldemort! Voldemort! (Quirrel removes his turban to reveal Voldemort on the back of his head; Voldemort is older and kinder looking) That was Harry Potter! VOLDEMORT: Yes. I know Quirrell. I hear everything you hear. QUIRELL: Do you want me to (he takes out his wand, ready to finish Harry once and for all) VOLDEMORT: No. Just Let him go. You see Harry Potter, helped me once. He taught me that its okay to let go. Let go of my hate. Care about people. Because of him, I have a new family. Guess thats kind of what Harry Potter is all about. But there comes a time when you have to let even Harry Potter go. And thats okay QUIRELL: Voldemort VOLDEMORT: Yes, Squirell? QUIRELL: Okay is wonderful. Lights down. The End


OR IS IT??? BONUS SCENE- THE PRINCES TAIL (During his daring escape from the Wizard Cops, our hero Gilderoy the Mouse Prince, shrunk himself to the size of a mouse and scurried into a nearby hole. But as he dove to safety he was struck by a way-word spell, rendering him unconscious. Some time later, Gilderoy lays sleeping in a bed made from a matchbox. A mouse girl dabs single drops of water on Gilderoys feverish forehead; she uses a thimble as a water basin. Gilderoy opens his eyes.) MOUSE GIRL: Hes coming to. (she turns to Gilderoy) Are you alright, sir? GILDEROY: Ugh. Where am I? (an old mouse using a match as a cane approaches Gilderoy) OLD MOUSE MAN: In the hole of the Crumb-Bottoms. My name is Whiskers CrumbBottom. And this is my daughter Mouseina. MOUSEINA: How do you do? GILDEROY: Ive never felt better. Thanks to you. (Gilderoy places his hand on her paw; this tickles his hand a little bit. Mouseina blushes and turns away) WHISKERS: You came at an inconvenient time, friend. We dont have any cheese to give you. Why, with that Mrs. Norris around we can hardly find enough cheese for the little ones. (Whiskers motions toward five mouse children; they sleep peacefully in a sardine can bed) GILDEROY: I see. Well Whiskers, what if I told you we could put an end to Mrs. Norris once and for all? WHISKERS: Id say you hit your head harder than we thought. MOUSEINA: Id say youre the answer to a prayer. (Gilderoy and Mouseina share a glance) GILDEROY: Just do exactly as I say and that damnable cat will be history. Were going to need toothpicks and marshmallows