Jefferys 1 Benjamin L. Jefferys Paradigm Shift Essay Craig Rood CAS 137 H Sacrifice or Fear?

Elbert Hubbard once wrote that a friend is someone who knows all about you and still, loves you. a convenient statement for those of us living now in the digital age. (True Friends) It is easier now than ever before to know all about potential dates or mates, but what does the full disclosure of information really offer us? Is full disclosure truly full? Or do we only know what they want us to? Can insights into a person such as their Facebook page, their Twitter feed, or their LinkedIn account really offer us what is necessary to build a lasting and meaningful interpersonal relationship? Only ten years ago these avenues of relationship building did not exist, and the idea of dating was still something held in general view of the public as something to be respected. But today, things are different. Today we are faced with the challenge of creating real relationships in a world that tells us no real connection is needed to do so. In only ten years, weve seen I love you turn into I <3 u. What does this mean for society, and what does this mean for relationships? Today through the advent of social media and its total takeover of our lives, we are dealt a hand that involves Facebook to meet people, Twitter to stay in touch, and LinkedIn to know their business. Dating and relationships in general are different today than even 10 or 15 years ago, but they are tremendously different from 50 years ago. (Mental Health)

Jefferys 2 Before 1950 the relationship while far from simple was one of commitment. Before entering a marriage or even a dating situation, the pluses and minuses had to be weighed carefully and the act of dating was something not for sexual gain, or societal status, but for the purpose of finding your potential mate. Dating has certainly evolved over time. When thinking of the 1950s the average American with some knowledge of history probably calls to mind, hot rods, hamburgers and milkshakes, poodle skirts, and drive ins. ( Leave It to Beaver) But these pieces of culture only scratch the surface of what was taking place. Relationships with authority and parent figures were different than they are today. For in the typical American household of the Cleavers in Leave it to Beaver, going steady with Luanne was something that was consulted with Mr. Cleaver, and discussed at length. Now, to say that the sitcom of Leave it to Beaver is a perfect representation of 1950s America simply would not be true, however it is certainly a reflection of society as most Television programming today is. So, the conclusion can be drawn that relationships were considered more meaningful then than now. In the 1960s America saw a different scene arise as the children of the sun began to sweep across the continent. Political unrest, social movements, and a strong middle class made for a movement involving slogans like make love, not war and live for today, not tomorrow if you may. It was a time that American history books often overlook but its cultural significance stays with us today. Some say that the 1960s produced a more liberal and reckless attitude towards interpersonal relationships and some say that the attitude is not reckless but certainly liberal. But most agree that the 1960s social movements allowed Americans to be more sexually comfortable. The focus in the 60s was not on the structure of relationships but the methodology, which was a

Jefferys 3 new idea for many young people. Americans in the 1970s saw an increasingly sexual sub culture of the 60s grow into pop culture of the 70s. Movies like Deep Throat XXX were debuting in your average movie theatre. Swingers parties, which were essentially orgies, were taking place in middle and upper class homes, and once again the way of relationships were changed. With the end of the decade came new ideas about what it meant to be in love and new values were placed on committed relationships.(Culture in The 1960s) In the 1980s and 90s the notion of individualism became something cherished as more women entered the workplace, African Americans were beginning to gain some ground, and the countrys first laws regarding discrimination were put into place. Individualism was good, as it allowed for many women to become great role models and many men to begin respecting women for their accomplishments. But some women and men came to know individualism as a way to separate themselves from all others. Some thought that in order to be an individual no personal compromises needed to be made. This meant growing tension in those relationships. Sometimes phrases such as my baby when referring to ones significant other, were now seen as possessive and controlling, as opposed to affectionate and caring. Then logic carrying that argument often carried into the relationship, creating a me centered way of thinking. (American Society and Individualism) Today in the digital age we find this to still be true. Often individuals are very self-centered and that makes for poor relationships. Over time we have seen dating morph into something that is as loosely defined as individuals whom take part in it. One example the writer of a common blog on intimacy and psychological analysis writes:

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In a world where over half of marriages fail, 80% of second marriages end, sexual taboos have all but disappeared, 40% of American babies are born out of wedlock, more women than men are in the professional workforce, less than 30% of children have a stay at home parent, hooking up is replacing dating, and it is estimated that till death do us part may not exist anymore; we are in for a world of hurt. (Relationships) The fact of the matte is that relationships today are suffering. It is harder to create, build, and sustain a meaningful relationship today than ever before. The dating process has been changed. Imagine a young girl only in the 5th grade. She has been as a well adjusted young lady by two loving parents in a home that is fairly conservative in their values and society has been telling her something different than her parents all of her life. It is the day after the infamous talk in 5th grade and she is now rather shocked with all of the changes that are about to take place within her very own body. She begins to feel a sense of insecurity about herself and her body, but it is subconscious and unknown to others. But that very same day a young boy in her grade messages her on her cell phone, and tells her that she is Gods gift to the world, he tells her that she is everything a girl ever should be and that he is so totally in love with her that he can hardly press the buttons on the keyboard to tell her this! This young lady is ecstatic and she reciprocates what she believes to be true feelings for this young boy, and they end up talking all night. Upon arriving at school the next day this young lady walks down the hallways and meets her friends. She begins telling them just how much she admires this young boy and her friends interrupt her to tell her that he is coming this way! She turns to look at

Jefferys 5 this young boy and as he draws nearer she says quite simply Hello. He turns to look at her but with a scared face. She finds this odd and contemplates his intention all day. Later that day after school, he sends her a text message apologizing to her and professing once again his undying affection. She once again reciprocates and the next morning to her displeasure the same event occurs. The trend continued until finally this young woman had the courage to say, this is not fair why wont you talk to me in school? The boy answers well, lets be Facebook official. So, they decide to tell the world via Facebook that their 5th grade relationship is real. Yet even after doing so the young man refuses to acknowledge her in public. But their relationship is alive and well on Facebook, and they always chat on AIM and Twitter. They text each other their every action, including sleeping and eating, and they know all there is to know about their lives. Eventually the pain that is brought by not being able to expose their relationship at school or elsewhere becomes too much and with each day, each text, each wall post, the young woman does not feel more attached, but more heartbroken. She asks herself why he is ashamed of her and she wonders if he is faithful to her, is he texting other girls, etc.? This story may seem lengthy and irrelevant. One may argue that because they are so young, that this relationship, if it can even be called that, is not pertinent. However research shows us that sometimes what we deem to be puppy love is in fact one of the truest forms of love (Falling in Love) and that this relationship model is entirely too common. Now in the age of modern technology and social networking relationships are contrived in the words we type, and the messages we send. Being interested in someone has changed from talking to them and getting to know them, to texting back and forth and

Jefferys 6 talking. But as noted by Ms. Turkle in her book Alone Together, So much is lost when we resort to text as opposed to conversation, we are not happy, but we are semicolon parenthesis. Instead of talking on the phone we send a text, and instead of writing wistful letters we send abbreviated emotions. Dating has changed from a series of meaningful interactions, at agreed upon locations, meant to be enjoyable for both, to simply expected sex at the usual place. Why is this? Is it because people have changed physiologically? No, it is because people especially privileged Americans, have changed the way they view their relationships. All of these tools that Americans use, our phones, our computers, and the internet and all that comes with it; have made Americans lives easier in many ways. However it is through this age of instant information, and more importantly, instant gratification, that Americans have become insensitive and impatient. (Mental Health) The main point to be taken from this, is that Americans want their relationships like everything else in life, they want it as soon as they ask for it, and they want it to be right every time. Unfortunately this attitude towards relationships will simply never work. Because of this attitude and its sweeping influence that it is so difficult to become emotionally involved, let alone invested in anyone else. Throughout the past fifty years, Americans have seen the sexualization of society, playing a large role in our view of relationships. But in the past ten years especially, Americans have seen the relationship lose a tremendous amount of value as it has morphed into something requiring only the most basic of connections via the social media movement. The relationship now means far less than ever before as Americans live with the constant fear of their partner getting out, and quitting on them. In the age that

Jefferys 7 values connection and self-gratification more than meaningful relations, there is reason to be afraid. Not so long ago, a relationship whether dating or otherwise, may have meant a few lost dreams, some boredom on occasion, and more than a few inconveniences, but isnt that better than living with the constant fear of being quit on? Relationships have never been simple organisms of the human mind. No matter how simple they may seem via Facebook, Twitter, or Text, the fact remains; good relationships require work and care. Something so complex cannot be adequately facilitated by something so simple. If one is interested in a lasting, and meaningful relationship, this must first be realized.

Works Cited "American Society and Individualism." American Society and Individualism. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://www.scu.edu/ethics/publications/iie/v5n1/>. "Culture in The 1960s." Shmoop. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://www.shmoop.com/1960s/culture.html>. "Falling in Love." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Forums of Web, 2010. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falling_in_love>. "Leave It to Beaver." - Television Review. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://www.commonsensemedia.org/tv-reviews/leave-it-to-beaver>. "Mental Health, Depression, Anxiety, Wellness, Family & Relationship Issues, Sexual Disorders & ADHD Medications." Mental Health, Depression, Anxiety, Wellness, Family & Relationship Issues, Sexual Disorders & ADHD Medications. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc>. "Relationships." Relationships. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2012. <http://www.leaveittobeaver.org/thesis/thesis_relationships.htm>.

"True Friends." BrainyQuote. Xplore, n.d. Web. 24 Oct. 2012. <http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_beauty.html>.