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Finn's Hotel by James Joyce I The Irish Chinchinjoss Bymby topside joss pidgin fella Luchru Berkeley, archdruid

of Irish chinchinjoss , in the his heptachromatic sevenhued septicoloured roranyellgreeblindigan mantl e finish he show along the his mister guest Patrick with alb the whose throat he fast all time what time all him Italyman monkfellas with Patrick he drink up wo rds belongahim all too much illusiones of hueful panepiphanal world of lord Joss the of which zoantholithic furniture from mineral through vegetal to animal not appear to full up together fallen man than under but one photoreflection of the several iridals gradationes of solar light that one which that part of it (furn it of huepanepi world) had shown itself (part of fur of huepanwor) unable to abs orbere whereas for numpa one seer in seventh degree of wisdom of Entis-Onton he savvy inside true inwardness of reality, tha Ding hvad in idself id ist, all dam fool objects (of panepiwor) alloside showed themselves in trues coloribus resple ndent with sextuple gloria of light actually retained inside them (goddam obs of epiwo). Patfella no catch all that preachybook belong Luchru Berkeley bymby top side joss pidgin fella Luchru Berkeley say him two time with other words verbigr atia to vision so thoroughsighty for Os of E W High King Leary his fiery grassbe longhead all show colour of sorrel green, again of the his sixcolour costume the his fellow saffron pettikilt look same hue of boiled spinasses, other thing the his royal golden breast torc look justsamelike curlicabbis, moreafter verdant r eadyrainroof belongahim High King Leary very dead spit of plenty laurel leaves, afterthat commander bulopent eyes of Highest King same thing like thyme choppy u pon parsley, alongside that enamel Indian gem in maledictive fingerfondler of Hi gh High Emperor all same like one fellow olive lentil, otherlongsidethat violace ous warwon contusiones of facebits of Highup Big Autocrat tinged uniformly allar oundside very like you see chowchow of plentymuch sennacassia. II Kindness to Fishes As an infant shortly after coming into the world, the little stranger Kevineen d elighted himself by playing with the sponge on tubbing night. As a growing boy u nder the influence of holy religion which had been instilled into him across his grandmother's knee he grew more and more pious and abstracted like the time God knows he sat down on the plate of mutton broth. He simply had no time for girls and often used to say to his dearest mother and dear sister that his dearest mo ther and his dear sisters were good enough for him. At the age of six years and six months he wrote a prize essay on kindness to fishes. III A Tale of a Tub Of Kevin, of Increate God the servant, of the Lord Creator a filial fearer, the miracles, death and life are these. Procreated eugenically on the ultimate island of Ireland in the encyclical Irish polynesian archipelago, come their feast of precreated holy whiteclad angels, v oluntarily poor Eugene Kevin, having been granted the privilege of a priest's po stcreated portable altare cum balneo when espousing the one true cross, invented and exalted, in celibate matrimony, at matin chime arose and westfrom went and came in alb of cloth of gold to our own midmost Glendalough le Vert by archangel ical guidance where amiddle of meeting waters of river Slaney and Liffey river o n this one lone navigable lake piously Kevin, lauding the Triune Trishagion, ami dships of his conducible miraculoid altar super bath rafted centripetally, diaco nal servant of orders Hibernian, midway across the subject lake surface to its s upreme epicentric lake isle, whereof its lake is the centrifugal principality, w

hereon by prime, powerful in knowledge, Kevin came to where its centre is among the circumfluent watercourses of Ishgagrania and Ishgadectera, an enisled lakele t islanding a lacustrine islet, whereupon with beached raft subdiaconal bath pro pter altar, with oil extremely anointed, accompanied by prayer, holy Kevin isola ted bided till the third morn hour but to build a rubric penitential honeybeehiv ecashelhut in whose enclosure to live in fortitude, acolyte in heroicity of card inal virtues, whereof the arenary floor most holy Kevin excavated as deep as to a depth of a seventh part of one full fathom, which excavated venerable Kevin an chorite, taking counsel, proceded towards the lakeside of the isletshore whereat seven several times he eastward genuflecting in entire obedience at sextnoon co llected infusion of Gregorian water sevenfold and with Ambrosian eucharistic joy of heart as many times receded carrying the lustral domination contained within that most portable privileged altar unacumque bath which severally seven times into the cavity excavated, a lector of waterlevels, most venerable Kevin then ef fused, thereby letting there be water where was theretofore dry land by him so c oncreated who now, confirmed a strong perfect christian, blessed Kevin exorcised his holy sister water, perpetually chaste, so that well understanding she shoul d fill to midheight his tubbath altar, which handbathtub most blessed Kevin nint hly enthroned in the interconcentric centre of the translated water whereamid, w hen violet vesper vailed, Saint Kevin Hydrophilus, having girded his sable cappa magna as high as to his cherubical loins, at solemn compline sat in his seat of wisdom, that hipbathtub whereverafter, recreated doctor insularis insulae conti nentis of the universal church, keeper of the door of meditation, memory extempo re proposing and intellect formally considering, recluse, he, finally perseverin g, meditated continuously with seraphic ardour the primal sacrament of baptism o r the regeneration of all man by affusion of water. IV Issy and the Dragon For her pity there were times she even pitied the damned old devil himself playi ng demon patience after his lunch of hot air fanning himself with his asbestos s lippers in the coolingroom in hell. For her charity one day when it was sneezing cold she met a beggargirl in the pa rk and, having no small change about her, she went behind a bramblebush, slipped off her sprigged petticoat and gave it to the beggargirl who instantly disappea red (she having been in point of fact Saint Dympna who got up the exhibition of poverty on purpose) along with the petticoat. V The Big Kiss As slow their ship, the sea being slight, upon the face of waters moved by court esy of God that handsome brineburnt sixfooter Gaelic, rugger and soccer champion and the dinkum belle of Lucalizod quite charming in her oceanblue brocade and a n overdress of net darned with gold well in advance of the newest fashion exhibi ts bunnyhugged scrumptiously when it was dark whilst they dissimulated themself on the eighteen inch loveseat behind the chieftaness stewardess's cabin whilst a lso with sinister dexterity he alternately rightandlefthandled fore and aft, on and offside her palpable rugby and association bulbs. She, after a cough, murmur ously then gave her firm order for tootsweet if he wouldn't please mind some tho ugh not too much of the six best national poetry quotations reflecting on the si tuation so long as it was a stroke or two above it's a fine night and yon moon s hines bright and all to that, the plain fact of the matter being that being a na tural born lover of nature in all her moods and senses, by the light of the moon , of the silvery moon she longed to spoon before her honeyoldmoon at the same ti me drinking in long draughts of purest air serene and revelling in the great out doors. That mouth of mandibles vowed to pure beauty promptly elocutionised to he r a favourite lyrical bloom bellclear in iambic decasyllabic hexameter:

-- Rollon thoudeep andamp anddark blueo ceanroll! Lady, it was just too gorgeous for words, the whole sensation. The sea, of a lov ely tint embellished by the best charms of nature, with its wellmannered wavelet s (the dirty horrid rude ones from the Belfast and Lagan Lough neighbourhood bei ng very properly locked up in cubbyhole) looked really awfully pretty at the mid hour of night and more especially he being emphatically the right man in the ri ght place, the weather conditions could not possibly have been improved upon. Pr aises be to fair sea. Her rle was to roll onthedark blueo ceanroll that rolled on round the round roll that Robert Roly rolled round. Breathtaking beauty, Irelan d's bonniest, she did but gaze while from his altitude of onehundredandthirtytwo lines his deepseapeepers gazed O gazed O dazedcrazedgazed into her darkblue rol ling ocean orbs. -- Thanks ever so much she sighed, thrilled by that olive throb of his nude neck , and ever so much again for that tiny quote. It sort of made everything ever so much more delightful. How perfectly sweet of you! Nothing if not amorous, he, rosecrumpler, thrilldriver, sighinspirer, having pre alably dephlegmatised his guttur of that ticklish frog in the throat, his useful arm getting busy on the touchline due south of her western shoulder, uttered wh at was to follow with grand passion from his toploftical voicebox: -- Isolde! By elevation of eyelids t'ward her dear coolun that She invoked insinuated desid eration of more declaration. He was instant and he declared: -- Isolde! O Isolde! Sister soul and hand! When theeuponthus Sir Tristan binocul ises his most unwitting ego most subconsciously senses the deprofundity of multi mathematical immaterialities whereby in the pancosmic urge the allimmanence of T hat Which Itself is Itself Alone exteriorates on this here our plane in disunite d solid, liquid and gaseous bodies in pearlwhite passionpanting intuitions of re united selfhood in the higherdimensional selfless Allself. Hear, O hear, all ye caller herring! Silent be, O Moyle! Milky Way, strew dim li ght! Right here a pretty thing happened. When her flattering hand of pure diversion m ayhap had jessaminely at the just right moment shut his duckhouse the vivid girl , deaf with love, (you know her, that angel being, one of passion's fadeless won derwomen! You dote on her! You love her to death!) with a queer little cry reuni ted milkymouthily his her then their disunited lips when, tonguetasting the gold en opportunity of a lifetime, quick as greased pigskin the Armorican champion wi th one virile tonguethrust drove the advance messenger of love flash past the do uble line of eburnean forwards rightjingbangshot into the goal of her gullet. Now, I am just putting it direct to you as one manowoman to another, what the bl ankety blank diggings do you for example candidly suppose that she, a strapping young modern old ancient Irish princess a good eighteen hands high and scaling n ine stone twelve paddock weight in her madapolam smock with nothing under her ha t but red hair and solid ivory not forgetting a firstrate pair of bedroom eyes o f most unholy hazel cared at that precise psychoanalytical moment about tiresome old King Mark that tiresome old milkless ram with his duty peck and his bronchi al tubes, the tiresome old ourangoutan beaver in his tiresome old twentytwoandsi xpenny shepherd's plaid trousers? Not as much as a pinch of henshit and that's t he meanest thing now was ever known since Adam was in the boy's navy. No, heaven

knows, far from it, if the unvarnished truth must be told at the very first blu sh lovingly she lovegulped her American's pulpous propeller and both together in the most fashionable weather they all went off a lulliloving a dither me die me dandy O after which, believing in safety first, before the regulation ten secon ds were up volatile Brittany considerately allowed his farfamed sparking plug ch okegrip to relax and precautiously withdrew the instrument of rational speech fr om the procathedral of amorous seductiveness. -- I'm right glad I ran on to you, Tris, you fascinator you! Miss Erin said, whe n she had won free, laughing at the same time delightfully in dimpling bliss, be ing awfully bucked by her gratifying experience of the love embrace from a highl y continental bigtimer the like of him possessed of a handsome face well worth w atching with an interesting tallow complexion from which great things very expec ted as a film star for she fully realised that he was evidently a notoriety in t he poetry department as well for he never saw her to drink an orange but he offe red to bring her a porringer and to cut a long story short taking him by and lar ge the onliest boy of her choice meant pretty well everything to her just then, her beau ideal of a true girl's friend with red blood in his veins neither big u gly nor small nice. Over them the winged ones screamed shrill glee: seahawk, seagull, curlew and plo ver, kestrel and capercailzie. All the birds of the sea they trolled out rightbo ld when they smacked the big kuss of Trustan with Usolde. So sang seaswans: -- Three quarks for Muster Mark Sure he hasn't got much of a bark And sure any he has it's all beside the mark But O Wreneagle Highflighty wouldn't un be a sky of a lark To see that old buzzard whooping about for uns shirt in the dark And un hunting round for uns speckled trousers around by Palmerston Park. Hohohoho moulty Mark You're the rummest old rooster ever flopped out of a Noah's ark And you think you're cock of the wark. Fowls, up! Tristy's the spry young spark That'll tread her and wed her and bed her and red her Without even winking the tail of a feather And that's how that chap's going to make his money and mark! VI The Staves of Memory So there they were listening in as hard as they could all four of them they were the big four the four waves of Erin all listening four there was old ?wran Greg ory and then besides old Tom there was old Phelim O' Hogan the four waves and of tentimes they used to be saying here now we are the four of us old Tom and Old P helim and old Jeremy the four of us and sure thank God there are no more of us a nd old Jeff O'Gorman the four of us and no more of us and so now pass the fish f or the Lord's sake amen the way they used to be saying grace before fish for aul d lang syne there they were spraining their ears listening and listening to all the kissening with their eyes glistening all the four when he was cuddling his c olleen not the cullen no the colleen bawn cuddling her and kissing her with his pogue like Arrah na pogue they all four used to be cuddling and kissing and list ening in the good days Dion Boucicault of Arrah na Pogue when they were all four collegians in the queen's colleges it brought it all back again as fresh as eve r Matt and Marcus and now there he was and his Arrah na Pogue before the four of them and now thank God there were no more of them and he poguing and poguing th ey were listening with their mouths watering so pass the pogue for Christ sake A men listening and watering all the four Luke and Johnny MacDougall for anything

at all for a cup of of kindness yet for four big tumblers of woman squash with t hem all four listening and spraining their ears and their mouths making water Ah well sure that s the way and there was poor Matt Gregory leaning on his staff of memory and Gregory and the others and now really and truly they were four de ar old heladies and they looked so nice and respectable with their grey half tal l hat and tailormade frock coat and then they had their fathom glasses to find o ut the fathoms and their tall hats just now like lord Powerscourt or the auction eer there near the place near that street Trinity College that arranges all the auctions of valuable houses Smith like the auctioneer Smith or not Smith that se lls all the fine houses and mansions James H North Mike North the auctioneer goi ng to the horse show with all the people over from England and American visitors in his grey half tall hat and his fathom glasses to find out all the horses. An d poor Marcus Lyons and poor Johnny and the four of us and there they were now l istening the four saltwater widowers and all they could remember long long ago w hen my heart knew no care the landing of sir Arthur Casement in 1132 and the cor onation of Brian by the bishop and then there was the drowning of Pharaoh and th ey were drowned in the sea the red sea and then poor Martin Cunningham out of th e castle when he was drowned off Dunleary in the red sea and and then there was the Flemish Armada all scattered and all drowned off the coast of Cunningham and Saint Patrick and all they remembered and then there was the French fleet in 11 32 landing under general Boche and there he was cuddling and poguing her in Arra napogue behind the queen's colleges. And then they used to give the lectures in Roman history in all the four collegians in the four trinity colleges Killorcure and Killthemall and Killeachother and Kilkelly-on-the-Flure those were the four great history colleges for auld lang syne all the Roman history past and presen t and present and absent and past and present and future arma virumque romano. A h dearo a dear how it all came back to them to hear him there kissing her and cu ddling her in his Roman arms ah dearo dear it was so sorry for the four of us Ti m Tom Tarpey and the four shehusbands the four waves in their hat and thank God they were all summarily divorced by their shehusbands in the bygone days but sti ll they parted on the best of terms by decree absolute well they could remember Justice Squelchman in 1132 at the Married Male Offenders' Court in Arrahnapogue. Poor Johnny MacDougall and the four masters because she was backscratching all divorced by their four master and poor Marcus Powerscourt by decree absolute bec ause he broke wind in the pew and because he forgot to make a request in writing on stamped paper before saying his grace before fish and then there was poor Di on Boucicault all divorced too poor Dion because he attempted to well he ah well now sure we won't be too hard on him attempted some hunnish familiarities after eating a bad crab in the red sea ah dearo dearo dear and where do you leave Mat t poor Matt in his grey frock hat all divorced by woman squelch and all on accou nt the appearance of his face poor Matt Gregory. of his mouth watering so now pa ss the face for Christ' sake Amen. Poor Matt Gregory Poor Martin Cunningham! And still and all they were always thinking of their fou r masters that were four beautiful sisters and there they were always counting t he lovely periwinkle buttons in the front part of their dresses and there she wa s the beautiful four sisters and that was her name and they were looking for her everywhere in all the fathoms and then they had their night tentacles and they used to be all hanging around all the waists of the ships the steamships and pee ring in through the steaming windows into the honeymoon cabins on board the big steamers and saloon ladies toilet apartments and rubbing off the cataract off th e windows to see all the honeymooners and all the toilet ladies and their famili arities saying their grace before meals and watering and there they used to be c ounting all their peributtons to remember her beautiful name poor Gregory and Jo hnny the four sisters and there she was now asthore as in days of yore of planxt y Gregory they used to be always singing and so now they started their singing a nd old Luke for auld luke syne and we make a cupboard coinerset for the pays sav ole shanghai..

Hear, Isolde la belle! Tristan, sad hero, hear! Anno Domini nostri sancti Jesu Christi Nine hundred and ninetynine pound sterling in the black bowels of the bank o f Ulster. Braw pennies and good gold pounds, by God, my girleen, 'll prank thee finely And no damn lout 'll come courting thee or, by the Holy Ghost, there'll be m urder! O come all ye sweet nymphs of Dingle beach to cheer Brinabride from Sybil a - riding In her curragh of shells of daughter-of-pearl and her silverymoonblue mantle round her! Crown of the waters, brine on her brow, she'll dance them a jig and jilt the m fairly. Yerra, why would she ride with Sir Sloomysides or the gogram grey barnacle g ander? You'll not be lonesome, Lizzy my love, when your yank is the worst for his s teel and his soldiering Nor wake in winter, widow machree, for you'll have my old Balbriggan surtout . Wisha, won't you agree now to take me for nothing at all as your own nursete nder? A power of fine fellows died game right enough. But who lives for you? I had that one long before anyone in this place. It was of a good Friday too and as I'm given now to understand, she was clea n mad gone on me. Grand goosegreasing we had entirely with an eiderdown picnic to follow 'By the cross of Christ, Mac Dougall' says she after 'but you're the most li kable lad that's come my ways yet from the barony of Bohermore'. VII Skyward to Stardom ...strewing, the strikingly shining, the twittingly twinkling, our true home and (as he uranographically remarked) the lamplights of lovers in the Beyond. Up they gazed, skyward to stardom, while in his girleen's ear that loveless love r, sinless sinner breathed: -- How gentle and kind I am, Issy. I never hurt the feelings of another. And I s ay, what a lovely nature is mine! It wasn't exactly anything he said or it wasn't anything he exactly did but all the same it was something about him like the way he was always sticking his fing er into his trousers pocket and then sticking it into his eyes like a borny baby , the great big slob that she let out a whistle or the once she dropped her ittl e hankyfuss and the way so graceful he picked it up with his hoof and footed it up politefully to her ittle nibblenose. -- Go away from me instantly you thing, she roared. Curse your stinking putrid s oul and all belonged to you, you scum. Forget me not! -- Perfect, you bloody bitch, he said. He took leave of her and circulated as bidden. Hearing his name called before ma ny instants had passed he most sagaciously ceased to walk about and turned, his look now charged with purpose.

-- No, come back, she cried. How sweetly you have responded to us. I so want you ! -- It's important, her nephew, who was very continental, said, stopped and circu lated at walker's pace in an opposed direction. VIII The House of a Hundred Bottles So anyhow after that to wind up that long to be chronicled get together day, the anniversary of his first holy communion, after that same barbecue beanfeast was all over poor old hospitable King Roderick O'Conor, the paramount chief polemar ch and last preelectric king of all Ireland who was anything you say yourself be tween fiftyfour and fiftyfive years of age at the time after the socalled last f ree supper he greatly gave in his umbrageous house of the hundred bottles or at least he wasn't actually the then last king of all Ireland for the time being fo r the jolly good reason that he was still such as he was the eminent king of all Ireland himself after the last preeminent king of all Ireland, the whilom joky old top that went before him in the dienasty King Art MacMurrough Kavanagh of th e leather leggings, now of parts unknown, God guard his generous soul that put a poached fowl in the poor man's pot before he took to his pallyass with the weep ing eczema for better and worse until he went and died nevertheless the year the sugar was scarce and himself down to three cows that was meat and drink and dog s and washing to him 'tis good cause we have to remember it anyhow wait till I t ell you what did he do poor old Roderick O'Conor Rex the auspicious waterproof m onarch of all Ireland when he found himself all alone by himself in his grand ol d historic pile after all of them had all gone off with themselves as best they could on footback in extended order a tree's length from the longest way out dow n the switchbackward road, the unimportant Parthalonians with the mouldy Firbolg s and the Tuatha de Danaan googs and all the rest of the notmuchers that he didn 't care the royal spit out of his ostensible mouth about well what do you think he did, sir, but faix he just went heeltapping through the winespilth and weevil y popcorks that were kneedeep round his own right royal round rollicking topers' table with his old Roderick Random pullon hat at a cant on him, the body, you'd pity him, the way the world is, poor he, the heart of Midleinster and the super eminent lord of them all, overwhelmed as he was with black ruin like a sponge ou t of water and singing all to himself through his old tears starkened by the mos t regal belches I've a terrible errible lot todo today todo toderribleday well w hat did he go and do at all His Most Exuberant Majesty King Roderick O'Conor but arrah bedamnbut he finalised by lowering his woolly throat with the wonderful m idnight thirst was on him as keen as mustard and leave it if he didn't suck up s ure enough like a Trojan in some particular cases with the assistance of his ven erated tongue whatever surplus rotgut sorra much was left by the lazy lousers of maltknights and beerchurls in the different bottoms of the various different re plenquished drinking utensils left there behind them on the premises, by the dep arted honourable homegoers and other slygrogging suburbanites such as it was no matter whether it was chateaubottled Guinness's or Phoenix brewery stout it was or John Jameson and Sons or Roob Coccola or for the matter of that O'Connell's f amous old Dublin ale that he wanted like hell as a fallback of several different quantities and qualities amounting in all to I should say considerably more tha n the better part of a gill or naggin of imperial dry or liquid measure. IX Here Comes Everybody Now, concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Chimpden's occupational agnome n and discarding once for all those theories from older sources which would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the Gravys, the Northeasts, the Ankers and the Earwickers of Sidlesham in the hundred of manhood or proclaim

him a descendant of vikings who had founded or settled in Herrick or Eric the b est authenticated version has it that it was this way. We are told how in the be ginning it came to pass that, like cabbaging Cincinnatus, the grand old gardener was saving daylight one sultry sabbath afternoon in prefall paradise peace by f ollowing his plough for rootles in the rere garden of ye olde marine hotel when royalty was announced by runner to have been pleased to have halted itself on th e highroad along which a leisureloving dogfox had cast followed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker spaniels. Forgetful of all save his vassal's pla in fealty to the ethnarch Humphrey or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but st umbled out hotface as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat) h asting to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, plus fours and bulld og boots ruddled with red marl, jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft ami d the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a flowerpot wa s fixed earthside up with care. On his majesty, who was, or often feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green youth, and had been meaning to inquire what, in effect, had caused yon causeway to be so potholed, asking, substitutionally, to be put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not now more fa ncied bait for lobstertrapping honest blunt Haromphreyld answered in no uncertai n tones very similarly with a fearless forehead: Naw, yer maggers, aw war jist a cotchin on thon bluggy earwuggers. Our Sailor King, who was draining a gugglet of obvious water, upon this, ceasing to swallow, smiled most heartily beneath hi s walrus moustaches and indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk on the spindle side had inherited with the hereditary whitelock and some sh ortfingeredness from his great aunt Sophy, turned towards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord of Leix in Offaly and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, (the two scatterguns being Michael Manning, protosyndic of Wa terford and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to a later version ci ted by the learned scholarch Canavan of Canmakenoise) and remarked dilsydulsily: Holybones, how our red brother of Pouringrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for trusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no se ldomer than an earwigger! Comes the question are these the facts as recorded in both or either of the collateral andrewpomurphyc narratives. We shall perhaps no t so soon see. The great fact emerges that after that historic date all holograp hs so far exhumed initialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he wa s only and long and always good dook Umphrey for the hungerlean spalpeens of Luc alizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was equally certainly a pleasant turn of t he populace which gave him as sense of those normative letters the nickname Here Comes Everybody. An imposing everybody he always indeed looked, constantly the same as himself and magnificently well worthy of any and all such universalisati on, every time he continually surveyed from good start to happy finish the truly catholic assemblage gathered together from all quarters unanimously to applaud Mr. W.W. Semperkelly's immergreen tourers in the problem passion play of the mil lentury a Royal Divorce with ambitious interval band selections from the Bo Girl and The Lily on all gala command nights from his viceregal booth where, a verit able Napoleon the Fourth, this father of the people all of the time sat having t he entirety of his house about him with the invariable broadstretched kerchief c ooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in a wardrobepanelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt well entitled a swallowall, on every point f ar outstarching the laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit s talls and early amphitheatre. A baser meaning has been read into these character s the literal sense of which decency can safely scarcely hint. It has been blurt ingly bruited by certain wisecracks that he suffered from a vile disease. To suc h a suggestion the one selfrespecting answer is to affirm that there are certain statements which ought not to be, and one should like to be able to add, ought not to be allowed to be made. Nor have his detractors, who, an imperfectly warmb looded race, apparently conceive him as a great white catterpillar capable of an y and every enormity in the calendar recorded to the discredit of the Juke and K ellikek families, mended their case by insinuating that, alternatively, he lay a t one time under the ludicrous imputation of annoying Welsh fusiliers in the peo ple's park. To anyone who knew and loved the Christlikeness of the big cleanmind

ed giant H.C. Earwicker throughout his long existence the mere suggestion of him as a lustsleuth nosing for trouble in a boobytrap rings particularly prepostero us. Truth compels one to add that there is said to have once been some case of t he kind implicating, it is sometimes believed, a quidam about that time walking around Dublin with a bad record who has remained completely anonymous but was, i t is stated, posted at Mallon's at the instance of watch warriors of the vigilan ce committee, and years afterwards, writes one, seemingly dropped dead whilst wa iting for a chop somewhere near Hawkins street. Slander, let it lie its flattest , has never been able to convict that good and great and no ordinary Southron Ea rwicker, as a pious author calls him, of any graver impropriety than that, advan ced by some woodward or regarder who did not dare deny that he had that day cons umed the soul of the corn, of having behaved in an ungentlemanly manner opposite a pair of dainty maidservants in the greenth of the rushy hollow, whither, or s o the two gown and pinners pleaded, dame nature in all innocency had spontaneous ly and about the same hour of the eventide sent them both but whose published co mbinations of testimonies are, where not dubiously pure, visibly divergent on mi nor points touching the intimate nature of this, a first offence in vert or veni son which was admittedly an incautious but, at its widest, a partial exposure wi th such attenuating circumstances as an abnormal Saint Martin's summer and a rip e occasion to provoke it. X Here's Lettering You Revered Majesty well Ive heard all those muckbirds what they are bringing up about him a nd they will come to no good. The Honourable Mr Earwicker, my devout husband, an d he is a true gentleman who changes his two shirts a day which is what none of the sneakers ever will be because as sings the royal poet their likes must be fi rst born like he was, my devout, and it was between Williamstown and the Ailesbu ry road I first saw the lovelight in your eyes like a pair of candles on the top of the longcar I think he is looking at me yet as if he would pass away in a cl oud when he woke up all of a sweat beside me and told me his true opinion to par don him golden one, but he dreamt about me I had got a lovely face that day and I simply thought I was back again in paradise lost when all the world was June, love, where us two walked hand in hand. Well, revered majesty, I hereafter swear never in his life did my husband send o ut the swags with a drop of anything in them but milk as it came from the natura l cow and that is all a pure makeup by a snake in the grass and his name is McGr ath Brothers against that dear man, my honorary husband. If I was to let out to your revered all that caffler whispered to me was it this time last year as I to ld Mrs Pat for his accomodation McGrath Brothers I'm saying and his bacon not fi t to look at never mind butter which is strictly forbidden by the ten commandmen ts thou shalt not unbare your false witness against thy neighbour's wife. Aha, M cGrath, the lies is out on him like freckles. But I could read him. When I think what that slime had the shame to suggest about my dearly respected husband can I ever forget that? Never! So may the Lord forget McGrath Brothers for all his t respasses against the Honorary Mr Earwicker. For two straws, yes and less, I cou ld let out to someone I know and they would make a corpse of him with the greate st of pleasure by private shooting and not leave enough of McGrath Brothers for the peelers to pick up. Lies! There never was any girl in my house expecting trouble off my esteemed hus band never! Those pair of prostitutes that committed all the nuisance, neither o f them were virtuous, pursuant to said declaration of their medical officer out of the Lock whereas I shall bring under revered notice the above Honourable Earw icker to possess from a child a chest seemed to none very hairy with eyebrows of same for it to be able to be seen which I am the most privileged to behold and

pursuant to same very affectionate after salesladies' company. I will not have a wriggling reptile the like of the McGraths to be sprinkling his lies all around where we live if he thinks he is the big noise here about the prostitutes as I simply agree to it. There, you wurrum, you! I know you now. I would hate to have to say what I think about him. I exgust sneak McGrath, purveyors and Italian wa rehouseman by royal appointment, wanting to live on me and my noblest husband li ke a dirty pair of parachutes. I wouldn't dream of a sausage of his to poison a cat and it was in all the Sunday papers about Earwicker's farfamed fatspitters t hat they were eaten and appreciated by over fifteen thousands of people in Dubli n this weekend. The obnoxious liar! First he was a Scotchman at one time and the n he was fired out of Clunne's where he was only one of your common floorwalkers for giving guff. Moreover I have heard a certain remark stated about setting his bad example befo re those military but did space permit it is the best of my belief I could show that it was from the earliest wish of his mind to mitigate the King's evil and I hereinafter swear by your revered majesty that it was him gave me the price of my new bulletproof dress with the angel sleeves for my looking about twentyone a nd he said to my presence in these words : Just as there is a God of all, Livvy, my mind is a complete blank. Well, revered, I tender your heartbroken thanks with regrets for lettering you a nd will now close, hoping you are in the best. I don't care a fig for such and e rronymous letter about an experience on the part of me as girl, alleged unpleasa nt, with a handsome prepossessing clerical friend. How about it! I was young and easy then and my shape admired from the first to feast his eyes on with my swee t auburn hair hanging to my innocent thighs and I can do just as I simply please with them because now it's my own by married women's impropery act. Never mind poor Father Michael now (the Lord reward him!) but chat me instead. If McGrathBr others could only handle virgins like he used he would simply jump out of his di rty skin. When next you see M.G. ask him what about his wife, Lily Kinsella who became the wife of Mr Sneak, with the kissing solicitor, at present engaging att ention by private detectives being hidden under the grand piano to find out whet her nothing beyond kissing goes on. Lily is a lady, liliburlero bullenalaw! And she had a certain medicine brought her in a licensed victualler's bottle. Shame! Thrice shame! I only wish he would look in through his letterbox one day and he would not say that that was a solicitor's business. What ho, she bumps! My, he would be so surprised to see his old girl in the hands of a solicitor with Mr Br ophy, solicitor, quite affectionate together, kissing and looking into a mirror. So much for sneakery talk that I was treated not very grand by the thicks off Bu lly's Acre. If any of Sully's thicks was to pull a gun on me he will know better manners the way I'll sully him. I will herewith lodge my complaint on him to po lice sergeant Laracy who does be on the corner of Buttermilk Lane with the Raffe rty's nurse and he will take such steps so as to have his head well and lawfully broken in consequence by a Norwegian who has been expelled from christianity. Dear Majesty, I hope you are quite well. How are ye all? We are always talking o f all of ye in bed. I am anxious myself about ye all. I'm feeling the cold more than I used and has to wear flannels to the skin. To speak truth I was rather pu t out latterly in my health about the thugs got up for McGrath by Sully. I am ad vised the waxy is at the present in hospital with palpitations from all he drunk and it's seldom I saw him any other way. That he may never come out but he is a rattling fine bootmaker in his profession. And now whereas I will let all whom it may concern to know that I am perfectly proud of this great civilian, A.L.P. Earwicker, long life to him my once handsome husband who is as gentle as a mushr oom to be seen from my improved looks and a greatly attractable when he always s its fornenst me, poor ass, for his wet to resume our polite conversations with E arwicker over lawful business and pleasures when he is after a good few mugs of four ale and shag and he never chained me to a chair or followed me about with a

fork on Thanksgiving Day ever since this native island was born and that is why all the police and everybody is all bowing around to me whenever I go out in al l directions. Earwicker is a hundred percent human, I tell slysneakers and you, Master McGrath, pale bellies our mild cure, back and streaky, ninepence. I can h ereby show whoever likes original bag of one apiece cakes and Adam Findlater's c hoice figrolls which was given to me when so fondly remembered on occasion of ou r last golden wedding by Mr Earwicker. Thank you, beloved, for your beautiful pa rcel. Always the born gentleman can be plainly seen by all from such behaviour. Well I simply like their damn cheek for them to go and say about he being as bot hered as he possible could. I must beg to contradict in the strongest as indeed I think I may add at this stage in the matter of hearing that he is after his ma nner and certified of so being quite agreeable deef. I'd give him his answer if he was to dare to say my revered husband was never a true widower in the eyes of the law on consideration of his diseased obsolete inasmuch as the present Mr Ea rwicker Esquire has often given said deponent full particulars answering to desc ription of the late diseased in dear delightful twilit hours when this truly tim ehonoured man is a great warrant to play slapsam and population peg and Sally Sh ortclothes when he can proudly hold his own always whilst we frankly enjoyed mor e than anything the secret workings of nature (thank heaven for it, I humbly pra y!) and was really so delighted of the nice time. Who would stoop to argue with a particularly mean stinker called McGrath Brothers. If I am credibly informed c annonballs is the only true argument with a low sneak. Ping! Ping! Hit him again ! Ping! That ought to make him hop it. Ha! Ha! Ha! I must simply laugh. Sneak Mc Grath has stuffed his last black pudding. 3.p.m. Wednesday. Grand funeral by tor chlight of McGrath Brothers. Don't forget. His funeral will now shortly take pla ce. Remains must be removed before 3 sharp. R.I.P. Well, revered majesty, I take this liberty of cherishing expectations that the c louds will soon dissipate looking forward to the fine day we had and will now co nclude above epistle with best thanks and my thousand blessings for your great k indest and all the trouble to took for self and dearest of husbands who I'll be true to you unto life's end as long as he has a barrel full of Bass with love to Majes and all at home in the earnest hopes you will soon enjoy perusal of same most completely. So help me witness to this day to my hand and mark from your revered Majesty's m ost duteous I remain Your affectionate Dame Anna Livia Plurabelle Earwicker (Only lawful wife of A.L.P. Earwicker) N.B. This simply puts the tin hat on M.G.