A Delicate Balance

By Edward Albee
(Claire is talking to her brother-in-law Tobias and his daughter Julia who has just returned home after her fourth divorce. In order to lighten the situation, Claire shares an experience. )

CLAIRE: Well, I had an adventure today. Went into town, thought I'd shake 'em up a little, so I tried to find me a topless bathing suit. Yes, I did. I went into what's-their-names', and I went straight up to the swimwear, as they call it, department and I got me an eighteen-nineties schoolteacher type, who wondered what she could do for me. And I felt like telling her, "Not much, sweetheart"....But I said, "Hello, there, I'm in the market for a topless swimsuit." "A what, Miss?" she said, which I didn't know whether to take as a compliment or not. "A topless swimsuit," I said. "I don't know what you mean," she said after a beat. "Oh, certainly you do," I said, "no top, stops at the waist, latest thing, lots of freedom." "Oh yes," she said, looking at me like she was seeing the local madam for the first time, "those." Then a real sniff. "I'm afriad we don't carry...those." "Well, in that case," I told her, "do you have any seprates?" "Those we carry," she said, "those we do." And she started going under the counter, and I said, "I'll just but the bottoms of one of those." She came up from under the counter, adjusted her spectacles and said, "What did you say?" I said, "I said, 'I'll buy the bottom of one of those'." She thought for a minute, and then she said, with ice in her voice, "And what will we do with the tops?" "Well," I said, "Why don't you save 'em? Maybe bottomless swimsuits 'll be in next year." Then the poor sweet thing gave me a look I couldn't tell was either a D-minus, or she was going to send me home with a letter to my mother, and she said, sort of far away, "I think you need the manager." And off she walked.

SCUBA LESSONS A monologue from the play by Joseph Zeccola NOTE: This monologue is reprinted with the author's permission. All inquiries should be directed to the author at:Rights@JosephZeccola.com

KELLY: Did you ever wake up and know it was gonna be your day? I did. Today. First time. I woke up five minutes before my alarm went off. The sun was shining, the birds chirping, I felt warm all over and then... ... I read my horoscope. Today is your day!!! What you dreamed about becomes real. Romance figures prominently. Musical notes involved. Okay--I dont get the musical notes thing either--but thats not the point. The point is it said today is my day. And it has been --all day!!! I got on the scale--I was five pounds thinner, and that was after getting out of the shower. On my way out the door, my manager tells me hes going to fix the broken closet in my apartment I reported six months ago. Normally I wouldnt believe it, because I have rotten luck. But Ive had this feeling all day. And thats leaving out the best part of my horoscope: Romance figures Prominently. [She looks around the cafe.] Hes not here yet. Martin. My date. Actually its a blind date. Both Dan and I have blind dates tonight. Which would normally scare me. To tell the truth I was terrified. Until this morning. I know, I know--what are the odds of finding Mr. Right on a blind date? I mean, someone who would count on that is an optimist, at best. At worst ... well--lets not go there. Im being an optimist. I have faith. You know my luck is actually worse with men. Until recently Ive been convinced I have bad guy -karma. Which is why I told Dan to meet his date here, too. I had a friend at work set us up. Raul. Hes gay. We decided to meet our dates at the same place just in case they were ugly. If I knew my day was gonna be like this, I would have told him to fend for himself. [Notices a mug on the merchandise rack. She picks it up.] Do you see what I mean?!! This is my favorite painting on this coffee mug. I was in here two days ago and they didnt have this mug. This is like some giant cosmic accident. Its fate. Did I tell you I found a parking space in less than five minutes. My favorite painting. "The Scream." Dan says only freaks like that painting. I think only tactless jerks call their friends freaks. [Looks over to DAN and RAYNE.] It looks like the jerks doing okay so far. He hasnt pissed her off yet. She looks okay. Seems a little thin for Dan though. Hes Italian, they like those buxom women. Or at least he does. And he thinks he speaks for every guinea on the planet. He doesnt like it when I call him a guinea. [Short pause] Guinea. Oh. Thats Dan. He likes me. But were not. No. I mean hes sweet. We always do stuff like this together. Well not like this. We do things. We go to the movies. We go for walks--in the park or mountains. Sometimes we even hold hands. Sometimes we come here and get coffee. Well he gets coffee. I dont like coffee. Or tea. Actually I hate tea; but, were just friends. Its hard to explain. Dan and I ... ... we just--we wouldnt get along. We bicker constantly. Dan calls me the ex-wife he never wanted. I call him evidence to the need for artificial insemination. [Pause.] Hes really not that bad. Hes just that bad for me. Dan just needs to find a woman who isnt annoyed by him. And who isnt meeting her soulmate tonight.

FOURTEEN
A monologue from the play by Alice Gerstenberg download the complete text of Fourteen

NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Ten One-Act Plays. Alice Gerstenberg. New York: Brentano's, 1921.

MRS. PRINGLE: I shall go mad! I'll never entertain again--never--never-people ought to know whether they're coming or not--but they accept and regret and regret and accept--they drive me wild. This is my last dinner party-my very last--a fiasco--an utter fiasco! A haphazard crowd--hurried together-when I had planned everything so beautifully--now how shall I seat them--how shall I seat them? If I put Mr. Tupper here and Mrs. Conley there then Mrs. Tupper has to sit next to her husband and if I want Mr. Morgan there--Oh! It's impossible--I might as well put their names in a hat and draw them out at random--never again! I'm through! Through with society--with parties--with friends--I wipe my slate clean--they'll miss my entertainments--they'll wish they had been more considerate--after this, I'm going to live for myself! I'm going to be selfish and hard--and unsociable--and drink my liquor myself instead of offering it gratis to the whole town!--I'm through--Through with men like Oliver Farnsworth!--I don't care how rich they are! How influential they are--how important they are! They're nothing without courtesy and consideration--business--off on train--nonsense--didn't want to come--didn't want to meet a sweet, pretty girl--didn't want to marry her--well, he's not good enough for you!--don't you marry him! Don't you dare marry him! I won't let you marry him! Do you hear? If you tried to elope or anything like that, I'd break it off--yes, I would--Oliver Farnsworth will never get recognition from me!--He is beneath my notice! I hate Oliver Farnsworth!

THE PRETENTIOUS YOUNG LADIES

A monologue from the play by Molire download the complete text of The Pretentious Young Ladies

NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from The Dramatic Works of Molire. New York: R. Worthington Publishers, 1880.

MADELON: Good heavens! If everybody was like you a love-story would soon be over. Matrimony ought never to happen till after other adventures. A lover, to be agreeable, must understand how to utter fine sentiments, to breathe soft, tender, and passionate vows; his courtship must be according to the rules. In the first place, he should behold the fair one of whom he becomes enamoured either at a place of worship, or when out walking, or at some public ceremony; or else he should be introduced to her by a relative or a friend, as if by chance, and when he leaves her he should appear in a pensive and melancholy mood. For some time he should conceal his passion from the object of his love, but pay her several visits, in every one of which he ought to introduce some gallant subject to exercise the wits of all the company. When the day comes to make his declarations--which generally should be contrived in some shady garden-walk while the company is at a distance--it should be quickly followed by anger, which is shown by our blushing, and which, for a while, banishes the lover from our presence. He finds afterwards means to pacify us, to accustom us gradually to hear him depict his passion, and to draw from us that confession which causes us so much pain. After that come the adventures, the rivals who thwart mutual inclination, the persecutions of fathers, the jealousies arising without any foundation, complaints, despair, running away with, and its consequences. Thus things are carried on in fashionable life, and veritable gallantry cannot dispense with these forms. But to come out point-blank with a proposal of marriage--to make no love but with a marriage-contract, and begin a novel at the wrong end! Once more, father, nothing can be more tradesman like, and the mere thought of it makes me sick at heart.