vy yer of agen oe amoTena asd \amucrres we ee u_— vireo A Book About For Further Educatio” Being HumanScience and Behavior Books, Ine Palo Alto, Calfornla 94806 (© Copyright 1976 by Science and Beharlor Books, Ine Printed in the United Stats of Amerie, Allright rosorved "This book or pats thereof may not be reproduced in any form without written permission ofthe Publisher, Library of Congress Card Number 76-15450 ISBN 89140051 ‘Typography by Peau ~ Santa Clare, Cliforia T Bob Spitser, who: a made porsbie t0-much ofthe actualization of our eeatvty,Table of Contents About Thi Book and Us Preface PARTI Introduction | BPattems of Ettective Family Therapy, Level I Daten of Btetive Pay Therapy Lael I Simmary Pantit Introduction (Calibrated Communication Cee 2(Q Feedback Communication Cle \D Gathering Information 2) Trnntonming the Stn ne ‘WVonsolidating Changes Sima Eniogse Farther Reading Bibliography 9 a0 m2 nt at 108 a3 9 181 185About This Book and Us “The process of writing this book was en opportunity for the three of us to change, to grow and to Integrate parts of our experiance of doing family and individual therapy. We came to undentand explicitly how the communication sila we te im those contexts applied to the writing of this book topether. We took three very literent models of the world ~ three different types of backgrounds — and, finding a way to use our common skis to communicate with each other, we wore able to put onto paper the knowledge we had gained. So we frant to tell our readers some of the ways which we found delightful and useful to communicate, not only ‘with families in the context of therapy. But also with tach other in the process of writing this book. The vory same patterns which we Mlntfy in this volume as patiems of effective communication with members of a family in the context of « thirapy sswion are prcisolythe pattems of communication which we usd to wite this book together. We believe that out ability to be com ‘zuent in our comminication ix sill we catty with hroushout rf ‘therapy and in our other interpersonal velationshipe et wo. It gives ut great pleasure and is» continuing der light to find was of being more effective in communi- ‘ating with oursdves, with our collegues in writing this ‘ook, and, hopetily, in communicating to you some of the excitement and Joy we have experienced inthe proc 3 of communieition. For us, communication means ex. Derience ~ the ability to bein touch with what we sre fealing, to see charly what is a in time, and to hear with precision the sounds of kite ‘These skills, which we are constantly developing in ‘ourselves, were the estontal ingredients in the weliag of this book, We want to emphasiz that our desi in erat Ing this book iste offer peope-helpers some ofthe tole, pattems, ways of developing new choices with tamliee hie, up to this soint in time, we hive wed only among ‘Oureives, We invite and encourage each of you — as we ‘will continue to do — to use these skills as en opportunity to find new possibilities for communication for yourselves and (or the families with whom you work, We belies ‘there are entire worlds of ways of being effective and creative — entcely new dimensions about human com: ‘munication in our ver which we have yet to discover Deeply, ‘icsard Bander ‘Joka Grinder Virinie Sati = both tn our communication in Preface ‘Tis book is about poople who hurt and about the people who want to help them go beyond that hur. ‘The world is fll of good intentions and equally well populated with the evidence tat these intentions do not lvvays come to fulton. Parents want the best for their chllren, ehiléen for their parents, therapists for their Clients, and clonts for their therapists, How does it happen, then, that these very wellintentioned people have 50 many relationships of pxin and trouble, when the oppeste is what they are intending? Our Beli is that something occurs which i outslde of the awareness and control of either penton ~ a missing piece. We be- live that thi mising piece can be added, Ieened about and fully used by everyone, This book is shout our Kas fof doing jut that with families ~ helping them to find his missing plece for themielves 1 hard for ur to conceive how one ean really ox: perience himselt ase responsible person without thorough understanding of the difference between what‘people intend when they communicate and whet the Outeome of ther communication ix We believe that ll People, given the tools, not only want to, bt wil lean land change, This & a normal dretion of tite menting ‘self, We believe that all people have all of the skill they need; our job as amily therapist i to make these sills accesible arid useful for them. In this sense, no ppemson is fragie, That is, everything which affects « human being ce concerns him can be openly talked shout, 11 is presented to him in an acceptable way and at atime when he can hear it. Infact, for us, it amounts 10 4 personal insult to Behave toward anoth being as though we could not openly acknowledge bien snd all of his yrts. We belive that this is caving in ts ‘ost exquisite sonse. It iz sometimes necessary for the therapist, when clerly allied with the growth goals of the one with whom he is working, to team up with the Darts of that person desiring growth in such a way that the therapist besomes a tough leader in relation to the Detson's obstructive pats. I is dificult sometimes for a therapist to be prosent while another person is strag- sting, yet consintive srugee is the process by which we learn and grew. We believe that at any point in time ‘every person is doing the bet he can with the knowledge the has. We respect thet, and at the same time we respect the wish and ablity to change, and we are wiling both to lead and to support the strugele to do so, In ths sense, thon, there need be no flues, (Our approach astumes that the therapist in his Demon is the chief tool for Initiating change. Our view i hat the therapit models that which he expects to change, We are speaking specially of the process and not of the content. Our thas eto chango coping, which ls» process, and, therfore, the therapist's uso. and leaching of process is 4 primary consideration. To be ex Dectally emphasized is the condition of the therapist's Sensory channels: His ability to see, his ability to hear, his ability to fel, smell and aste need to be developed, ‘operating, end clear. In our model it is esvental that the therapist detect information and pattems of communi cation instead of deducing them. Furthermore, the therapist must be able to discriminate between inputs that trigger leamings and experiences from the past for himself and those which come entirely from the person with whom fe i working. This means thatthe therapist is ceatly able to distinguish between himself and his ‘boundaries and those of the persons outside of him. It ‘makes a great deal of difference in the therapeutic out- come whether the therapist tks and reiets to an exten slon of himsalt or to the perm sitting in ftoat of him, ‘Keeping stralght what's you and what's me is the thrust ofall of this, and producing « meeting between the two isthe goal. It is our bellot that a this point inte the evolve mont of the condition of being human is only in its Incaney. Therefore, it behootse all of us to become ex. Plorers and not judges: we see ourselres af making & ‘contribution toward the further education of being human. As « matler of fact, wo expect that we will come ‘ut of each of our experiences with other people « tle changed. If we don, then ste feel that we will have {alln into the eategory of ding ‘What we are prsenting lere i a moda of the step byslep process which fills i the missing pieces between‘what people intend tn cher communieation and what the outcome of that communication actualy is. Our method ‘a to create new experiences instend of working ta elie fate the old ones. Many therapeutic models of the pert s20m to have buen built around the doe tht there ie ‘del person and thus, the concepts were to be wed as 2 way of allesng the personality to tit the “ideal” mold We believe that there is no universal model of « human bing: we believe that each person hs his own model of his own ideal. We are glad of it, and this unigueneas is what we strve for in our work, This is consistent with te biological rac chat each human being i teuly unique, We want to emphasize that the model for family therapy which me present here is deslgned to create ex- Bevience. It is our boli that much time and effort is ‘wasted creating models which people then use to replace experience. The ‘amilles— the peopla who come to thee: pists for help — are then equered into the categories contained in the model, rather than being sensed and sponded to ereively. We otter our model esx way to sit you to fully participate in the moving experence ‘of changing with families, participating in the process of growth, of erating experince, of the family’s pain and the family’s oy. Our model, ently, is « way of helping peoplechupers to tune themnsses in to the on ping processes for growth of the families with whom they are working — 2 way of seeing, hearing, tesing, Sensing, experinting and responding clearly and cree tively to che process of communicstion and change in family therapy, ‘Our conclusion from our experience and from our observation of the people we have known is thit they Ihave learned tive pestonal “untreedoms" which fetter them and bind them and which are mistakenly called cilized. We will list them in thelr conrected form, ‘whlch wit clude tha which was corrected (1) The freedom to see and to heer what le NOW Instead of what shculd be, could be, was, oF vill be (2) The freedom to fel what i folt NOW iostend of What shouldbe, could be, was oF wil be (8) The freedom to 50) what is NOW instead of ‘whet should be, cout be, was or wl be. (4) The freedom to reach out for what you want Instead of what you should want, not having to ‘wait for someone to otter it to you. (8) The freedom to take riche in your own bebalt Instead of only waiting for 2 change in the situation to make i possible for you to have ‘what you want for yourset ‘Tosummarize, When T ean sce and hear whet is here nov, feel what I Feel now: ‘Sey what fee think, hear, see now; When ean reach out for what? want now: ‘And can (ake rie in my own behalf now; When T ean communicate all of tis congruently now: And can gt feedback creatively now;‘Then I am in a position to cope inventively with the situation autsde of mysalé and the life inside of me succentully ‘This book is our effort to translate people “untree- dome” into teeecoms, PARTIPATTERNS OF EFFECTIVE FAMILY THERAPY LEVELI tetany then mer whe ho ihe a ‘hey hve hop ta hey eon change, Ti tein or txpuionce een whe th fal ne ea ae Oi fami thew ca of cour th fun made she fo Comet ergy ae ict rfc of tha oper abet coma tay, ad tn they Bev some el ht the te corti cane cr prema fr thers, tat they recog ame let that they need stance in making tose change thn fury hs the rou neeaay toma thot Chango an oe ta then php those sources, Thus, one of om mab gale to ait the "uy" memento recogni nd ep the oars say nthe ly hte, alhoth ty maybe family ae 2 tees fit sep nating change Whos trast tore ts wl be amped dso relchangewilocer in chaning. The that tres an el fr the amily. More spciialy, the cherapist offers & model of ‘openness — the fredom to sect trom whit is available that which is relevant at the time and place for the the. be in touch with his own process, af well at with the needs of the family. This modeling oceuts not only atthe ‘conscious Terl but also atthe subliminal level, ie, the messages cased by the theripis's body posture, voice tone, at. zeve ata model forthe family members. ‘We begin with an accourt of an opening session of family therapy. ‘The therapist bas just introduced im felt and learned the names ofthe family members. Join ein a walk through the thespy sesion in which we ‘ill illuminate some of the ways by which the desired Phenomena apest. We with to point out to the reader that the following transcript is partial and fragmented. ‘The quoted portion desing vith Dave is only a part of the full transcript. Tho theres uses the seme pattrns tnd takes the same time and care with each family rember in tura. To enable us to present these patterns in 4 clear way, fe Rave left out sections of the transexpts. ‘Theroplat: Wil, Pm ery plased to be hero with you thie afterncon, Tin wondering whats is that each of yor hopes to change br coming here to work to ether with me. I don't know whether the process hich you wont throug ia deciding to come here was cary oF dificult for you, but To know that your ‘coming here isthe fest step in making thoso changes ‘which each of you wants. (pause) Dave (addressing the father in the family), 'm curious whether you ‘can shed rome ight an the hopes which you have forYyourslt anf your family. Can you tell me whet you hope, specially, will ehange by your coming here? Dave: Well... fel lke we'e just not pulling together 8 8 family... ke some things ate eng = Pn Js not sume. I can't get ahold of e—T-eant get @ Dando on Therapist: Yes, Davo; can you tell me one thing that is ‘There are several important patterns in this short, transcript which emerge clearly. First, the therapist sums or presurposes that: (1) There are things which the family wants to change... wondering what tie that each of you hopes to change those changes “which 2ach of you wants ‘hed some light onthe hopes which you have... what {you hope specially, wil change) (2) The taily wont through the proces of deciding fo com» to therapy. (.. whethor the process Which you went through in deciding to come here wav easy.) (8) The process of change has slcendy begun. ( your coming here isthe frst step in mucking those changes.) Notice that the therapist does not ask the family ‘members if they havo hopes of beg able to. change; rather, he presupposes thet they do, atid he asa, intend, What aro the specific changes which they desie. The Fomaly, thereby, comes to focus their attention om whet changes and hopes rather then on whether changes and forms he uses — specifieally, he was language sump ons (presuppositions) a8 tol in talking to the family in thorapy. In other words, rather than sing the lan tuage forms In column A, he wee thous in column B a 2 Do you have hopes? Whet are your hopes? Did you go through a os vour process of dei proces of deciding #0 ing to come here easy? come here? Does each of you want What, specifically, ore changes? those chenges which cock of you wante? By the skilful uso of lr guage assumptions (presup- potions), the therapist can mit the family in focusing upon the issues which are most important for achieving wat they want in the therapette season, We have found it to be ry important in our experi= fence to understand that the family therapist needs #0 take contact with each of the family members individu ally. The thorapet must be careful not to assume that any one mombor of the family @ spokesperson for the rst of the family. The therepist males a series of con tweets for change — one for cach family momber. In thisvay, the therapbt explicitly recognizes the integrity and Independence of each member ofthe fan, The bass of the art of family therapy ie the therapist's abilty to in toate the independent growth needs of each farily member with the integrity of their family system. In ex- Dloring the dasred changes with che individuals, the ‘herapist makes skillful use of language assumptions (oresuppostions), The specific language assumptions ‘used by the therapist will be effective only to the extent that they are congruent with the growth needs of the fasnly ‘A second important pattern ilstrated by the fore folng transcript is the delicate way in which the ther: spit begine the process of gathering information, There are several patios which the therapist weer in the transcript. He begins with » statement about hiniell (('m very pleats to ..). Next, be esa series of "ues Notice, for example: Iy questions in the rua sense 1m wendering what itis thet each of you 1 don’ know whether the proces... as ext ordiffeut 1m carious whether you can thed some light "The particular language form weed in this question Ing is called embedded questions When questions are ‘embedded a5 ther are inthe examples above, they do not demand an answer, yet they begin the process of bring: ing cortain issue 10 the attention of the people stoning in this case, the issues concerning which hopes about Uuhich chonges we held by each of the family member. In sition, this form of questioning opens up the poss Dility for any one of the listeners to respond if he 20 chooses. In other words, It allows the listener the maxi: spond. This seems to us to be partiularly important in the initial stages of family therapy, when the therapist is tnthoring information. Finally, in conjunction with this pattern, the therapist pauses after he has presented several embedded questions, tallow any family member the space to exercise the choice of responding to the ‘questions if he $0 chooses (One of the choices which the therapist has when he receives no verbal responce tothe embedded questions is to select one of the family members and to entity him by name, requesting his response. Again, notice that, even after Wentitying the tarily member, che therapist i delicate in his questioning, using Use embedded ques: tion fr, I'm curious whether you can... Furthermore, the therapist uses another important pattern a6 he be- comes more diect in his attenpt to gather information = the pattern of polite commands (converstional postu lates? ‘The therapist wants Dave, the fatherhusband, to respond to the embedded questions he has been ask. Ing, However, rather than dvedy stating a command — for example: Dave ell me specifialy, what you. the therapist asks Dave a question, Con you tll me, spetialy, what youAgain, later, ater Dave has responded, the therapist uses the same form — the polite command (converse tional postulate) ave, con you tll me one thing that is misting oryour ‘The important thing about this pattern is tht, although shat the chorapatanye has the form of « question which could be answered legimately by a simple yer ono, it ‘has the force of command. Consber a common, every: dy example: You and a friend are in the ate room; the telephone rings and your fiend lances up at you and says, Com you antwer the phone? ‘This sentence has the form of a simple question which requires only # yet or no answer, yot the typleal = sponse to i is for you to answer the phone, In other ‘words, you will spond to this question as though your friend ad made dirsct request. of you, Answer the phone ‘The use of the yes/no form ofa quision incites uch (his is the polite way of making 4 direct requett. Azsin, the therapist, by shilfuly employing thie pattern, leaves the family memter masimmam freedom to respond, We return, row, to the transit. ‘Therepat: Yes, Das ising for you? Dave: I want some things for myself and I really fool that my family neods some things, too. Therapist: Can you tell me what some of thos tings are? can you tell me one thing that is ‘The thorapst has begun the tase of coming to under and how Dave wants to change. He will repest this process with each of the family members, In order to be effective in family therapy, tho therapist needs to under= stand both what resoures the fay presently seknow! cigos and uses, and slo on what expectations the faily ‘ean agree — the desired stato of the family system toward which they agree to work. Each and every verbal ‘and non-real oxchange with family members gives the therapist informstion to undentand the preset state of the family system and at the same tne It gives the famn- ‘ly members an opportunity tc lees. By skilful commu ication, the therapist, from the very beginning, helps the family membors to develop 4 reachable goal for their changes ~ tho dosied state. In this particular case, the therapist i asking the male arent what he wants — that changes in the family would be acceptable for him, hat he wants for himself and for his family. Dave attempts to respond: hee, like some things ae ising want some things for mt eed some thing, too ‘The therapist's ears need to be tuned, to be open to detect ‘ore parts ofthe verbal mesayes which do not pick outspecific parts ofthe speaker's world of experience. Ifthe therapist is willng not to aarume that he understands the generalities which he heat, he can make some mean Ing of them, Specialy, rather than assuming that is ‘concept of the generaliis being spoken isthe same as the family member intends to communicate, the ther- pst can take the time and energy to determine more recisoly the message ftom the person with whom he is working. Tho tovapist msy accomplish this in a grace. ‘ul and sincere way by asking the other person to specify fexactly 10. what he is veterring when he uses those omer. 1 is important for us to emphasize that, while the horapist Is using the pattern of language esumptions (resppositions) embedded questions and polite com ‘mands (converstionel postulates) to gather information tnd to establish individual contracts for change withthe family members, he i also offering Information to them. ‘The therapist ghee his understanding of the messages resented by the family; for example, as he sks ques- tons sch a: Whet weciflc changes do you hope for for sewsel? hho subtly presents his interpretation of what the family's Dresence for thempy means to him — namely, that theit teak is to make changes. This gteand-take proces isan ‘example of communication as well as Being a communi cation in Huet | each of Dave's responses, che therapist ca iden- tify a language form which fails 10 specity for the therapist some partiular part of Dave's exparience — ‘the form: some things. This is an example of « common pattem — people coming 40 us for assistance often ate ot specific about what it thet they want oF hone for ‘Our task, then, is to assst them in being specitic. This is teflectod in the words they wie to communicate with ‘others. When a pat of x sentence picks out some specitic portion of the lstoner’s experince, then we say thet that Dart has a referenticlindex.* When « seatence part fails to pick out specific pat of th litener's experience, 2 say that it lle to have a rofeontial index. Each time that Dave has responded, his sentence has included a part which failed to pick out « speciie part of the ther: pits experience (to have a referential index). This is & signal to the therapist to requet thatthe soaker rupply ‘ tferenta index: Can you rll me one ching. Can you tell metchat seme of those things are oro the therapist is systematically asisting Dave to entity what he wants. At the sme time, the therapist 1b providing the family membem with an effective way of communicating. When the toerapist hears something Which he is unable to connect with his own experience, rather than lot uneuccoml communication slide by oF pretend thet ho really understands or that be ean read Dave's mind, he simply identities che portion of the son tence which he could not undentand and asks sbowt i. ‘Any assumptions need to be checked out. The therepst, by demanding clear communication, gives the family the message that ho takes seicsly both his sbilty totnderstand and their ability to communicate, and thet he Is Interested in really undetstanding what they want. Dave: Wel, don't know... guess P've jt lost touch, Therapie: Losttouch with? Dace: don't kw... ' not sue Therapist: Dave, what is it, specifically, that you don't know, thatyou'e not sure of? Dave: ... Wel, Pm not sure anymore of what Twant, for me o for my family. I'm a litle bit seared Therapist. ecared of? ‘The therapist & continuing to asst Dave in coming to understand wha, specifically, i is that he wants for him self and his tamily. One ofthe most important patterns of Thich we are aware is the therais’ ality to serve hat it missing ina family sytem, This capability to di erm what is msting is ertcal in atitng the family in changing, and i apples at many ditfeent lees of bee havior. For eximple, one thing which we, specially, heck for isthe eeedom ofeach fail member to ask fr what he wants. that feeedom i missing for any member of the tamily, than we work to find ways for him to en that teoedom. Tais i an example of something important ‘hich is missing at high lve of patterning. The process ‘of Hentitying missing pats of experience and assisting ‘the one with whom you ae working in recovering them or ‘completing imprrfect experiences — of making things ‘whole ~ is one of the most poxerful interventions which we, as therapists, have avaiable to us. The very process ‘of making things whole, whether at a verbal ors non: ‘verbal lvel, has a profound ahysieal and neurolorical ctfoet upon the person involve. At the verbal lve of patterning, Dave has produced ing. The therapist ie responding systematially, fist ientitying that something is miting and chen ki irecy frit. For example, Dass, ee just tat touch. [As the therapist listens to this sentence, he tees to make Sense out of it, He hear Dass describe his experience vvth the verb lost touch. In adtion, he hears Dave secifcally, that he (Dave) hat fst touch, But, a the ‘herapist attompts to understand what Dave is saving hhe notices that Dave hailed to state with what spec Fealy he hae lost touch, In o:her words, the therapist Understands that the desrptve verb lote touch isan ex pression of someone's losing touch with something or Someone, and tht what or whom i tle not stated —it is misting ~ or, in temns of a lasguage description, it has been deleted.* We ean represent thie a8 follows: When the therapist (or any native speaker of American English) hoa:s someone using the vet lose touch, he knows that it 1s a description of a process which has taken place be tween the porson or thing dolag the touching and the perion or thing being touched: Lose, ToucH _——— peson‘thing —gerson/thing Sencar Fine tovchedLOSE TOUCH (person thing touching, ersor/thing being touched) "The amazing thing is that, even when the sentence Which the lsteor (in eis case, the therapist) hear als toinclude one er the other ofthese places he knows by hi Intuition about language that both of the pieces ae im plied, For exam when the therapit or any native speaker of Englsh hears the following sentence, he understands tha more is implied than ie actually pres: ent in the sentence One of the temptations for the therapist to ll in his own undersanding of what has been deleted, thor by losing the opportunity to lesen what's missing for the family member. Since the cherapst can use ls own language int ons to determine whether anything i missing, he can listen and stomatieally respond, asking for the po tions which aze implied but not exprened. Extracting from the transept, we hae, Dee _Mising Fee __terapte By Ustening carefully and making use of the intultions he ha about his language, the therapist can systemat famist Dave In understanding what he has deleted Therapist: Seared of? Dave: Wel, I know that Marcie (the mother/wife) is de- pending on me. ‘Thersplt: How do you know that Marcia i depending ‘on you, Dave? ‘Dave: Well how her pretty well I just sensei ‘Theropat: Yes, T understand that you know her pretty Vell, and what I'm tying to understand Is how you ‘communicate with her. Can you tll me hove, speci telly, you sensed jurt now that she was depending Dave: Sure; se the way that she's looking at me — that's how Inow he's depending on me Words estry meanings. We meed to understand that there words are ilosynevatic © the person using them, land there & no quarantes that the same mesning will be understood by the other penton. So checking out I alway necessary. When each of us uses our language systom to do- secibe our experience, we select certeln words to cary the meaning to the Hitener. For example, we use nouns to dosrbe certain parts of our experionce. AS we men: toned previously, when we we nouns which have no referential Index rolative tos specific part of the Us- toners experience, we fall to communicate with ar much clarity af possible. Silly, when we (abelt, uncon: siously) select verbs to deserbe the procestes or reletionships whict we experience, we have choices shout how specific wo will be, and, consequent, how clear ‘our communication wil be, For example, if T elect the verb hiss to describe © process in my experience, I eon: vey move Information than if I select the verb touch, al though both are accurate descriptions of my experience, Thised Judith contrasted with I touched Judith ‘The verb hiss conveys all of the meaning which the verb ouch carves, with the additions specifiation that I touched Judith with my’ lips In other words, hiss ~ touch with tins ‘We can say, then, that the verb his (relative tothe verb ouch) is more specified I ves the stoner more Infor: ‘nation about the process being described. The verb kiss could, of cour, be further patticularized by spcitying ‘where the lips touched the peron being kissed, Tht process we call specifying verbe® [As the theapst goes about the task of astistng the family member: in understanding what they seek, he sets 4 model for clea communication, Inthe verbal ex: ‘change, ho can check the verbs which the family mem: bers use to deceibo thelr experience, requesting tht they specity trese proces descriptions until he can make senso ou: of their narrations. Again, extracting from the transept we have, Dave ‘Therapist Tio that Marcie How do you know that Marcas just seme it How, specifically, do yéu By systematically Inisting that be be able-to under stand the mesges from individual family member, the therapist i etting an exarpl for cletr cammnnica tion as well as toaching the family members specific sways to clea up thelr verbal communication “Thoropst: Dav, what ate you amare of right now? Dave: 1 feel Kinda tight ... stomach flipping around; you low ... when Marcie looks at me that way, I fool nda fanny ‘Therepist: Fuany how? Dove: You know, there's & lot of confusion... depend feney males mo foo ght ‘Therapist: You ee contused about what, Dave? Dave: You know ... dependency makes me feel ‘confused Therspet: Whost depending on you makes you feel confused? Human epeoch i one door to understanding between the spoaker and the one to whom it is spoken. Under- anding how human speech weflects this is an esenial tool for therayists. We will, refore, go into detail to show ow this concept i= Ulustrted in this interlew. “there are several important patterns i this portionof the transcript. Fist of all, Dave has begun to we « language pattem kaows as nominaisation.” Nomi alization is the name of the linguistic process by which people represent active portions of thelr experience by ‘words which are usually used represent the more static portions of the experience, Noune are usually sed to reprosent these more inert portions of our experince chat, table, stove, mirror ete. ~ while verbe are. nor mally used to ropresent the more dynamic parts of our ‘experience — running, jumping, watching, listening, te, However, through the language process of nomin alization, we represent the active portions of our expert fence in a slate way. For example, in th following two sentences, both of the words in italic stem to function Lee cote ase frustration ‘The word cats serves to separate ftom the world of ex- perience parteular type of animal, while the word Frustration represents soristhing quite diferent. Prue tration is associated with the ratb frustrate which sounds and Looe very much like Kt and hes « sini meaning. The verb frustrate is the mame of & process by whlch someons/something ix frustrating someone, Using he kind of visual representation we developed previously in our discussion of the linguistic process of eletion, we have, FRUSTRATE (somethingomeone doing the Justrating, someone bein fastrated) So, when the therapist (or any tive speaker of English) eas tho sentence, he cam, by checking hie intuitions about the meaning, discover that there fs more implied by the sentence than ‘sctully appoats on the surias. Specifically, we have, ec frustration > SEE (1, PRUSTRATE [someone/ something, someone] In the example we are presenting, the linguistic process of using noun for a verb deczption (the proves: of ominaliztion) aio includes te process of deleting the information associated with the orginal verb description, Tn the transcript, Dave uies two nominalizations, confusion and dependency, As te therapist continues to ity to comprehend the present family system and what its members want, he encounters these nominalizations. fons 90 much of the eater Asis typieal of nominaliz associated with the verb of process representation has been deleted that the therapist cannot fully understand Dave's communication. The folowing exchanges then Dave Thetis _ Alot of contusion You feel confused about what? Dependency makes me... Whose depending on youNotice that the therapist i systematic in his response; he identities the nominolzations and " (@) Turns ¢2¢ noun ward hace nto vet word confusion fool confaced ‘dependency + depending () Assumes that Dave is one of the deleted parts ofthe nominalization: Alot ofcontusion + you feel confused bout what? Alependeney makes whose depending on (6) Asks for the other part of the nominaization ‘which hs ben deleted {lot of confusion > you feel confused ‘bout what? Aepondeney makes whose depending on ‘you makes ‘There are tvo ways which we have found very wee ful in our work to systematically Menity and challenge ‘ominalizations in the communications of family mem bem in the context of family therapy. First, people ate tunable to cope when they represent proces in thels experience as cients, stale and fixed, having deleted 'motL of the information about the pasta which went to make up that process. If the missing something which they” wantin their Live i reprvented a process with the parts of that proces Mente, then there is a post Ditty For them to act to isthueree and change the proc cess to ect what they want, Understanding how they farvved ft the place in thei liver where they are now helps them to Wentty the next sep toward getting what they want for theinelves, If, however, the thing they ‘want i represented ai an event with most of the pieces ‘rising, they have litle hope of influencing and chang: ing i. They, literally, are vetims of tir representation When the nominalizations are converted into process representations and the pices of the procs are Iensiied, coping becomes possble. Dave fels contured bout what he is to do when Marcie looks at him in ‘certain way, Understanding tho specific process by which “a lot of confusion” Is eeated is an important first sep in cheng i. ‘Secondly, when a family comes to us for asstance, they ate usally able to agree that thoy seek tome nom inalzation such a8 love, warm, support, respect, com Tort een for themssves, Hownver, unless the therapist fs alt to connect these words with experience (de- nominalize these nominaliations), fing in the dele tions, ote foreach of the famiy members, there is ile hope hit the individuals il bo satistiod. In other words, since each family member egurds a diffrent ex Devience es love, warmth, ote, those words connect with fexperlnee (demominaize nominalizations) iterently for each of them. What one of them regards as warmth another may consider smotiering. By systomatically Connecting words with specific experiences(desominalizing) with each of the family members, the therapist can identity the experince of set of ex: periences which all of the family menabers willbe able o accept as ruling thir dentes and hopes for them Selves ab individuals and as «family. By de-nominaliing, the therepist establishes the experiences which will be satistying for the family and which he can then work with them to create, These experiences constitute the ‘esred atte ofthe taily system; they allow th therapist 0 compare what the family resources are at this point in time vith what they will nod to crete in order to tach the state they agree upon (through the process of denomindization) as being appealing to them. By this process, + dzction is established for the therapist and the family membors to organize the experience of family therapy. Many times in our experience, using the verbal tech will begin with one nominalization and, in the proces of connect- ‘ng it wth specitic experiences, ill supply another ‘nominalization as one of the missing pieces. For example, niques of deaominaliztion, « family mem Deve: You know, there's alot of confusion Therapist: You ea contused sbout what, Dave? Dave: Dependency males me fel confused Notice wlat has happened here: Dave uses a nominal: laation, confusion, which is somehow connected with a part of Dave's experince which he wants to change "The therpist applies the verbal denominalzaion ave responds by supplying one of the missing pieces; however, the missing piece which he provides i itsel, ‘ominalization. The therayst alertly applies the verbal denominalization agaln: Therpist, Whose depending om you maker you foe confused, Dave? “This kindof eyee is one which we find frequently in our family therapy work. By systematically applying the verbal de-nominalization technique to each nominal faation, the therapist succeeds in assisting the family member in Hentifying by exactly what process he is perceiving or failing to persive what he is experiencing. ‘This process of cyclic denominalization (by tying the ‘word description to things which are inthe “eal” work fof experience) allows botk the therapist and the family members to undetstnd the specitic experiences which they can eroate together to continue the process of change and growth "A second important pattern in this portion of the transcript contained in the statements which’ Dave rakes: Dependency makes me fee tight Dependency makes me feel confused. ‘These two sentences hare the same form — each of them claims that there is something (dependency) out- fide of the penn involved ia the description which causes that person to experience certain feling. In ‘other words, each of thee sentonces claims that there is 4 Cause-Eifect relationship over which the person tn vod has no control and which, literally, makes himhavea certain experience. Linguists have identified a ctain elite of sen tenes such as: ‘Max makes Sue weigh 357 pounds on Tueedeys ~ Mildred fores Tom tbe feet talon Saturdays 8 semantically -formed® ‘That is, satences of this ‘lass make clains which ate at odds with our usual understanding of the way the world operates. Spesit- cally, these sentences claim that one perion is causing smother person to have a certain experince, However, since the experience which the sentences claim the second person is having isan experience which most of 1s consi to.be beyond the conscious contol of human beings, the sentences, litrally, make no sense, In other words, since Sue (or anyone else) cannot control what she weighs on a certain day of the week, it makes no s2nse to claim chat Mix ie causing her to control her ‘weight in that way. Within the context of therapy, we have found an extension of ths lingustic clas very useful. Speif- cally, any sentence such as He makes me sad, 1s called Cawesffect semantically ilformed.? Ser eral examples my help to identity the patter in your experience: ‘She mates me realy mad. He relly makes her sad Wathing along the beach makes me feet refresh. We understand that these sentinces may be a valid lomerer, what wo ddeseription of 2 person's experiucs fate saying is that the Causo-Etect relationship which tach of these sentences seems to require fs not necessary. We have determined in working with people in therspy ‘all too frequenty, their pain and lack of freedom land choice are connected with parts of their experience which they reprecent in the Cawse-tfect semantical fiLformed pattem we have just identified. This, typi cally, takes the form: This caused thet, Tam helpless tis fina We have found it useful in our work to asst people in Ihaving choice about whether a particular morement, tet, smile, word, et, from somone ele necessarily has to have the effect on them that they claim. Typically, ‘people wino do nt have such choices experience litle oF no control and responsibility ovr their own lies. Spec: fically, as therapists we have found that we can effec: tively asst lions in coming t2 havethese choices by asking them to desrbe In detail the process by which omeone causes them to fel or sense what they are ex perincing. The procest of esting the one with whom tre are working in understandingthe specie way in which he fails to have choice ln his verbal and non-verbal com>‘munication with others typically involves the linguistic patteras we ave already presented, especially de- ominalizalion and the specification of verbs. We have found thi pation tobe every una model Dave: You know, dependency makes me fee! confused ‘Therapist: Wold on a minute, Dave; et me see itt under: stand this. When you see Marcie look at you in & certain way, you know that she's depending on you ‘and you fea tight is that eight, Dave? ‘Dave: Yeah, that’s right. T never have been ablo to get 4 handle on it; you know, altogether, like felt when You just said it now. Therepat: Let's check this out, Dave. (turing to Marcie, the wile/mother in the family) Marcie, you heard what Dave said about knowing that you're depend- ing on him when you look at him in a certain way, and I'm wondeving whether ‘Dave: (interryp:ing) Yeah, you know, Marcle, like right ‘now, when your eyes get narrow and you leen for. ward, Tiknow that you're unhappy with me, and Therapist: Wsit, Dave. (turning again to Marcie) ‘Marcie, are you unhappy with Dave right now?” ‘Marcie: No, Tm trying to understand what's going on hore, and One of the ways in which people in families create ppuin and unhappiness for themselves is by assuming that they can came to know the thoughts and tolings of another person without that other person's ditetly com: rmunicating those thoughts and feelings. We call this ‘Mind Reading semantic iltformednest” Mind Reading ‘occurs in any situation in which one person claims to know the inner experience of another willout « dict ‘communication of the second person's experience, Fre- quently, this tales the form of: 1 you loved me, you would know without my telling you. [Bxtractng from the trantript, we have: Dave “Therapists Response know that Marco is How do you know thet depending upon me. Marcie is know that you've un How do you know, specif happy with me. cally, that. In there two exchanges, we can identify both the Mind- Reading pattern and one of the ways in which the ther ist can usefully challenge this process by specitically asking for a detailed description of the process by which the perion (Dave, in this exe) obtained the information he claims to have. This process (Mind Reading) is one ‘of the most tragle ways by which well-intentioned people in « family ean disort their communication and cause pain. We realize that it i possible to understand « feat deal about the inner experience of another person without his having to descrbe it in detail in words. One Of the skills which wo continue to sharpen in our worl ints Is tho ability to identify and understand fs thornother person’ experince through the analogue (non- verbal) messages which they preset to us, The tone of wie, the poste, movements of the hands and fest, the tempo of speech ~ are all Important messages which we in our work. We accept for ourselves the rule of explicitly ctecking our comprehension of non-verbal mesages rather than basing further communication Upon our assumed understanding of those messages, What wo have noticed time and again is that, under stress people tend to hallucinate the inner experience of others and to act upon those hallucinations without checking fist (find out if they match the actual ex: Derience of the other person. Once thie process of Mind Reading without checking begins, clear communication Dbecomes dificult and finaly collapses, and we see family in pain. In our experience, the therapist's ability to identity and effectively challenge the Mind-Resding pattern is ono of the most important interventions in ‘sisting a family to more from a vig, closed system to fone which allows freedom to grow and change Closely associated with the general pattern of Ming Reading is anotier important pattern, that of Complex Equivalence!" ~ the names which people stach to thle ‘Therap Dave Tellme, specially, Sure; eee the way whe how you sensed jst now Looking at me... that's ‘that she was depending how J know that she's de ‘upon you. pending upon me, rm wondering whether When your ever get narrow and you loan forward, T know thet you're unhappy swith me Dave is presenting ut with an excellent illustration of ‘the vay. in which people calibrate their experience Dave has decided that, whenever he sees Marcie looking at him in e certain way (not specified), she is depending tupon him; she is experionciag an inner state which he labels “dependency.” In the second example, Dave has decided that, whenover Maicie narrows her eyes and Toons forward, she is unhappy with him. What is com: ‘mon to both instances is that Dave has equated « piece fof Marcie's observable behsvior with her ¢otal comm: nication and then has labeled it an inner experience Examy ‘Dbeersable Behavior Tnner Experience Marcie looks certain ~ Marie it depending upon way. Dove. Marcie nanowshereyes = Marcie it unhepry with and leans forward. Dave What we at illustrating here is that people cause themasives pain and diffeulty by altaching = word (label) to some part of thvie experience and mistaking the label for the experience. One powerful phenomenon ‘we have seen in our work is the fact that people pay ular attention to different portions of ther exper: |, aubeoquently, may come to attach the samelabel to a very different experience, For example, for people who use thei visual skills most extensively, the ‘word respect wil, typically, have something to do with ve contact, wille peuple wlio wmptanze body sens ‘dons (kinesthetic representational systems) wil pay ‘more attention to the way others touch them By this process, people may use the sime word to describe very ifforent experiences. We call this process Complex Equivalence (the experiences which the words repre sent) and, typically, it may be quite diverse for different people. In other words, instead of using feedback (for example, asking Marcie what as going on), Dave has calibrated his oxporionce so that, whenever he detects certain movemonts by Marcie, he “knows” what she is experiencing. Notico that the therapist makee two dif- ferent types of responses to Dave's Mind-Resding— Complex-Equivalence statements. First, the therapist restates tho chim that Dave has made about Mind Reading and the specific Complex Equivalence which the uses, This serves two purposes: The therapist checks to make sure that he understands the Mind-Reading process which Lave is presenting; at the same time, the therapists restarement allows Dave to heat a complete description of tho process. In fact, those with whom we work frequently will laugh out loud when the conten tion which they have just made is repeated to them, rec: fognizing that the connection claimed is spurious. For others, the therapist's restatement allows them to fully understand the process for the rst time, Dave's re sponse i a good example ofthis T never have been able to get a handle on it; you Changing with Fomies 41 Ienow, altogether like I felt when you just said now ‘Tw second seaponte which the thetapst makes ie to challenge the Mind-Reading—Complex-Equivalence pat teen in the family by turing to tho other family member involved — in this cae, Mario — and asking her to state ‘whether or not Dave's Mind Reading—Complex: Equiv- lence was accurate, Ax the transcript shows, Dave was hallucinating. (We wee this word [hallucinate] when we fare referring to ideas which are “made up” when factual Gata ae not availble, Our brain must make something from everything, We do not consider it pathological in ‘this context, only descriptive.) Marcie was not, in fact, ‘unhappy with him at that point in time, In our experi- fence in therapy, so much of the pain experienced by members of a family & connected with calibrated com- ‘munication, communication based upon Mind Reading tnd Complex Equivalence, This makes the therapist's ability to detect and etfecively challenge these pett extremely important. Marcie: No, I'm trying to understand what's going on. here, and, ‘Therapist: Thank you, Marcle. (turning back to Dave) ‘Dave, I want you to try something new for yourself and Marcie, Are you willing to try something new, Dave? ave: Well, yesh, OK... try. What ist? ‘Theropst: Dave, 1 want you to Took directly at Marcie ‘and tall her how your'e fecling right now, and as you do‘Dave: (inteerup‘ng) Oh, no; Vd really lke to, but {just ‘Therapist: You can't, Dave? What stops you? Dave: Hub? Whet stops me? Therapist: Vor, Dave, what stope you thom looking dic rectly at Marcie while you tell her what you a tecling? Dave: I don't know ... relly don't know. just cant. Therspst: Dave, could you tell me what would happen it you di ene? Dave: What would happen’ I don't know Therapist: Guess, Dave! In this portion of the transcript, the therapist has made 4 request to Eave to try something new, something ‘hich runs counter to the calibrated communieation, involving the Mind Reading and Complex Equivalence which is going on between him and Matcie. Dave's re- sponte sto stare that it is imposible to do what the therapist has asked; I just can’t, Now, the therapist knows from his own experience — of looking diretly at ‘Marcie when he communicates with het ~ that looking directly at her when speaking to her is possible for him. ‘Therefore, if Dave thinks that thi is impossible, then his claim’ is sznal that he has been asked to perform fn act which is outside of his model of the world and, ‘more specifically, outside of his model of what is pos. sible for him wth Mercie. One of the pattems which has sstisted us ost in organizing our experiences in family thorapy is our ability 10 detect the limits of the family members’ models of the world — whet acts are, Ieraly. beyond the limite which they allow them. sna open of pouty and seat. Toe words and pra ich sec en Ge Mus ot te neha matt tte wr By et tn th i eat ep the pon ed to en hn not nd the wat oF Mi sce tei fy, to tr ins shoe sth “hot he bes tte as inte, nthe flowing Modal Operators ‘Therapists (Dave) Response But Tjust can't. What stops you? just can't Whet would happen if you aia? the two responses by the therapist asst Dave in ex: tending the linits of his model to continue the process ‘of change toward what he wants for himself and Marcie. ‘Next, we lst some of the most common words and phrases in the English language which Wentity limits in & person's model and, opposite them, the two verbal challenges we have found most etfective in helping to change these iit Modal Operators of Possibility Challenges unable to, can’ impos: What stops you? sible, must aot, no wayModal Operators ‘Therap’ ot Necesity Challenges have to, necesay, What would happen if you ‘must, no choice, iat forced to The therapist's challenges to these cue words and Blais, which identity the limits of the family’s model ‘of what is poulble for them, have, in our experince, been extremely effective in assisting in the process ot change Closely asociated with modal operators is the type of exchange iste by the falowing put of the ransrit. Dave: Oh, no; Tdrealy ike t, but Ijust cant ‘Therapist: What stops you? ‘Dave: Urelly don't know... just can't Therapist: Dave, what would happen if you did? Dave: Ieally dor't know. Therapist: Gues, Dave! Otten, when using verbal patterns to assist the family members in changing, we have received the reply, 1 don't ‘know. We ofven ask them to guess. We have found that ashing people to gues relieves them of the pressure to know accurately, and, therefore, they can come up with ‘more relevant material. By responding with a congruent ves tne and zine hve enable fan members ing important about what stops them ‘rom setting tomothing they went for themselves. Whe requested to gutss when he claims not to know the ‘answer to some question, the family member invariably produces an answer, The ansier ean come from only ont place, his model of the worl. Thus, his enswe teat deal sbuut lnvw he organizes his experionce, what resources are available to hi, what limits he accepts, ec Wie continue now withthe transcript. Bssentilly, in the section we skip, the theapist continued to work with Dave, assisting hav in undesstanding just what it is that hhe wants for himself and for his family. The therapist accomplished thi, primarily, by insuring that he under Stands what Dave i teling him; he insists that Dave communicate In language vithout nominaliztions, de letions, rlatively unspecifad verbs, or nouns without referential indices. We bevin the transcript again just fatter the thorapst has tumed his attention to Marc the mother wife member of the family. “Therapist: Well, Marcie, you have had an opportunity to Tiston and watch as I worked with Dave, your hus- band, I'm wondering what you were aware of as you did this, Would yox be willing to say? Marie: Sure; I think that I see pretty clearly what you ‘ate trying to do, You know ~ I have eyes, and I'm ro dummy; I got the picture. “Theropist: What specifically dd you see, Maris? ‘The therapist i ilustrating very important principle here: He has directed his verbal communication to one of the family metabers, During this period, the other mem- bbe of the family have had an opportunity to observe ‘and to listen to the process of communication between‘he therapist and Dave. The therapist now asks Marcle to comment on her experience of the exch - of the exchange between Dave and the therapist, By requesting her comments (by ‘sing embeddee questions and polite commands [con- versational postulates), the theesnit secompliches te ral things: (2) He gies each member ofthe family the message that, not only dows he aceepe comments on his behave and the ongoing proces of communice tion, tut he, in tact, encourages ther, that he takes seriously theie ability to understand and make sense out of their experience and is intr ‘sted in knowing what that exparienc sto them, (b) ‘He requests that another member of the family Present him with the resus of her ability ¢o ‘make sense out of a complex pleco of family ‘The therapist pointedly requests that Marcie present her learnings and understanding of the interaction between Dave and himself. This is one important way that the Ueraist may explicitly present the message that, al- though he has been directing his verbal communication to Dave, all of the family members ato involved at the same time; they are all participants in the ongoing Process of communication. Secondly, when the therapist ‘encourages Marcio to comment about her experience of ‘the Dave-therapis interaction, he is atking her to repeat 4 Tesining experience with which we are all familie. AS childen, each of us learned # sreat deal of what we understand shout the worle by observing and listening to our parents and other adits communicate. This thm the context openly invites Feople to “ten in,” in cow ‘rat to much of etildhood's experience in which this was tacitly forbidden. By explicitly repeating this situ tion, the therapist provides an opportunity for Marcie to update her olf learnings — her understandings from ber orignal family system, Bach of us organizes and ropresents our experiences of the world and esch other differently, in ways which fre unique to each of us, My experience of the “same ‘world will differ fom your in some ways. Through our Initial genetic heritage and Crom our extensive exper! ‘ence in coping and living, cach of us has ereated a map for model of the world which we use to guide our beba for. We do not experience the world directly but rather through the models of the world which we have de: ‘eloped to help us organize our ongoing experience. The rmeens by which we develop and elaborate our models of the world ate the three universals of human modeling ~ deletion, distortion and geseealization.* When we pay attention only to selected portions of our environment tnd ignore others, we ate using the modeling principle of deletion. When we represent to ourselves a two- dimensional objeet, we are distorting. When we approach ‘door which we have never seen before, reach out and rasp the door handle, tum it and pull open the door ‘without any conselous deeiéon about the process, we are ‘making use of the modeling principle of generalization ~ that is, in our previous experince, whenever we sa and felt a door with a handle, we succeeded in opening thedoor by grasping the handle, turning it and pling it, so we automaticaly generalize to the new expeience — Ul new door. Over our years of experience, we have each developed stratisies (mostly unconsclously) or modeling ‘our experience. Ry asking Marcie to comment on what she was aware of during the exchange between himnolt tnd Dave, the therapist has an opportunity to compare Ais awareness of the model he created with Marcie’ impressions, Srecitielly, the therapist can learn, by listening to Marcie's response, which of the different ways of reprewnting her experience che values most highly — that is, what Mareie's most used representa: tional system is. How ean the therapist specifically de- termine this fron the response he receives frou Marcie? Below, we It the descriptive verbs and other parts ofthe fentences whict Marcle uses which ar ‘sociated with vorb oF proces descriptions Marci think “see clearly trying do eyes get piature Wo will reter to these words as process words (predi: cates) which, rosghly, include verbs, adverb, adjectives, ‘nd nominaizatons. Of the elght predicates used by Marci in this fist communication, four ae words which Dresuppose a visual representation of Mateie's exper fence, ‘The other four predicates are unspecitid with re- spect 0 the kind of ropresentation they indicate. For example, « person ean try oF do something using sounds (an auditory representation) or feelings (a hinesthetc representation), ete. One wey to understand an iv Porta type of patterning in Marcie’ communicetion land in her sbilty to make sense out of (or model) her ‘experience isto notice that her choice of predicates con- ‘ems that the primary way by which the erates repre: sentation of het experience ie by creating pictures oF Images of it Inthe terms we aro developing here for our family therapy model, Marcie’: choice of prodicates re- ale that her most used representational system is visual, Next, we list some of the predicates which Dave sed to express himealf eal in the transept Deve Teal pulling sure eet ahold of ae want feel need mow lost touch OF the ten predicates listed above used by Dave, more ‘than half of thom presuppose a kinesthetic representa- tonal system — that is, Dive organizes his experince, his model of the world, by felings. Thus, Dave's most used reprasentational system is kinesthetic. The remia- ing predicates used by Dave are consistent with this atement, at they ate unspecified with respect to repre: sentationaleyster, Knowing a person's most ured representational sys: tem is, in our experiance, a vory useful piece of Infor mation. One way in which ve have found this useful isin ‘our silty to establish effective communication. As the. slats, if we can be sensitive to the most used representa tional system of the person with whom we are working, wo then have the choice of translating our communica tion into his system. Thus, he comes to trust us as we demonstrate that we undestand his ongoing experience boy, fur example, clanging out predicates (9 anatch hisBeing explicit about how the other person organizes his ‘or her experiense of the word allows us to avoid some of the typical “redtantclientfeustested therapist” patterns such as those described in Patt I, The Structure of Magic 1, Gener and Bander We have in past years (during inservice training seminars} noticed therapists who asked questions ‘of the people they worked with with no knowledge of representational systems used. They typically tse only predicates of their own most highly valued representational systems, This is an ‘ample: Visual Person: My husband just doesn’t see toe 38a valuable person. Therpist: How do you feel about that? Visua Person: What? Thenpist: How 0 you feel about your hus: tand’s not feeling hat you're a person? This Sesion went around and around until she therapist came out and sid to the authors: 1 feat frustrated; this woman Is Justgiving me @ haed time, She's resisting everything 1 do, We have heard. and seen many long, valuable hours wasted in this form of miscommunication by therapists with the people they work with trying to help andthe person with him was realy ‘ying to cooperate but without either of them ha Ing a sensitivity to representational systems. Com runication between people under these cond Hone ie ssually hapharard and tedious The result is often name callag when a person attempts to Communicate with someone who uses diferent predicates. ‘Typically, kineshetis complain that auditory and visi people are insensitive, Visuals complain the auditories don't pay attention to them because they don’t make eye contact during the conver: tion. Auditory people complain that kinesthetics on’ listen, ete, The outcome is usually that one froup comes to consider the other as deliberately bad or mischievous or pathological ‘The point we are iluszating hore is that one of the most powerful skills we, as therapists, can develop isthe ability to be sensitive to cepresentaional systems. For ‘change to occur, for the pewons with whom we are work: ing to be willing to take risks, for them to come to trust ust ‘a guides for change, they must be convinced that we understand their experience and ean communicate with them about it. In other words, we accept 48 our responsi- bility as peoplehelpers the task of making contact with the persons we are trying to help, Once we have made contact — by matching representational systems, for ex ample — we can asst them in expanding their choices shout representing theit experience and communicating shout it. This second stop — that of leading the indvid- tual toward new dimensions of experience ~{s very impor-tant. So often, in our experience, family members have “specialized” — one paying primary attention to the visual representation of experience, another to the kin- ‘thetic portion of experiance, ee, For example, we discover from the transcript that Dave's primary represontational system Is hnesthetic, while Marcie’ i visual. Once we have made contact, we work to assist Dave in developing his ability to explore the visual dimensions of his experience and to aatist Marcie in getting in touch with body sensations." There ae two importatt results of this: (@) Dave and Marcie learn to. commu tively with one another (©) Bach of thom expands hisher choices shout presenting and communicating theit experi: fences, thus becoming more developed human beings — more whole, more able to express and tse thar human potential Within the context of family therapy, by Heatitying cach family member's most used representational sye- tom, the therapist learns what portions of the ongoing family experienes is most avilable to each person there Understanding this allows the therapist to know where, in the communication pattoms of the family, to look for faulty communication, whore the family members fil to communicate what they intend, For example, if one family member & primarily viual and another auditory, the family therapist will be alert to note how they com: municate, how they give each other feedback, Under stress particularly, each of us tends to depend only upon ‘our primary representational system, We come to accept ‘part of our experience as an equivalent for the whole = accepting, for example, only what we.see as: equir- lent to what & totally avalable not only through our feyes but also through our akin, our ears, ete. This ex plains the close connection between representational systems and the kinds of Mind Reading and Complex Equlvalences developed by family members. ‘At this point in the presentation of the patterns which we have Identified as useful in organizing our experience in therapy, we are going to shift the way in which we present the transript. We have identified ‘the most important of the verbal patterns which are in ‘our family therapy model and, with the presentation ‘of the principle of reproscatational systems, wo have begun to move to the nett level of patterns, Verbal communications and your ability to hear the distinc tiont which we have presened are very useful portions fof an effective model for family therapy. These verbal ppterns and your ability to respond systematically to them, however, constitute only 2 portion of the com: plete model. Inthe presettation of the transcript uy 10 this point, we have contined ourselves to reporting the verbal putters. In this way, we hoped to find a ‘common reference point from which each of you could connect what we are deseribing with words here in this book with your own experience in therapy. We hoped that, by finding this common reference point, you would be able to utilize, immediately and dynam: ieally in your work, the patterns which we have itoniied,Now we move on to pattems at the next level of ‘experience, pittoms which have at ono of their parts the verbal pattoms which we have just identified, PATTERNS OF EFFECTIVE FAMILY THERAPY LEVEL It Bach of us, a5 a human being, has many choices about the way in which we present ourselves ~ the way by which we communicate, Most of the time, as we meet and separate and meet again, we do not make conscious decisions about the way we communicate, Normally, for ‘example, we d> not consciously select the specitie words and even les frequently do. we consciously select the syntactic form of the sentences with which we communi cate verbally. Yet, even at thi level of communication patterning, the unconscious choices which we make are systematic and reveal a great desl shout the ways in Which we onganize our experience, grow and change. This, infact, is one way to understand the verbal patterns which we have identified in Level I. These patterns of choice made by the petsone with whom we are working in therapy about the form of the sentences Which they use to present themslves are ways in which ‘the therapist ean come to quickly and efficiently under. stand their model of the world, the way in which they organize their experience, Verbal communication constitutes only a portion of the complex process of communication which goes on betiveen people. At the same time that people are pre senting one another with words and the formal verbal patterns we have identitid, they are also holding some portions of their body in a certain posture: they are ‘moving thei hands and fee, their arms and lege with smooth or erratic, rhythmic or arhythmic motions; they are speaking with a tone of voice which is melodic, rsp, liking, oF gating: they ate speaking at # constant tempo, or speeding up and slowing down; they are mov Ing their eyes in a rapidly shitting ean, oF maintaining 4 fixed stare, with their eyes focused or unfocused; they fare altering the shythm of thelr breathing, ete. Each of ‘those movements, gestures tones, et, are cholces whieh they make, usully at the unconscious love, about the way they present themselves, the way they commu: rete, Bach of thete ls, in fact, a message about their ‘ongoing experience, about the way they organize theit world, of what they ate most acutely aware, Just as with the verbal patterns, when each of the patterns, once de tected by the therapist, could be used by him for « specific, effective therapeutc intervention, here also, ia the case of the message earied by the person's voice, body movements, ete, the therapist can train himeelf to identify pattorns and to intervene to asst the person to row and change ‘One of the most useful ways of proceeding in this complex ares, in our experiance, is for therapists to edt fate themselves to identity patterns of congruity and incongruity, When person is communicating cong: ‘ently, all of the messages which he conveys match — ‘they re consistent, they fit with one another. Incon- ‘vent communication is prsented to us whon the other person sonds out messages with his body, with his voice with the words he uses, which do not mate. Ia tonality,forder to learn to detect this mishmash and to respond creatively to i, either in therapy or In the day-to-day contact we hate with one another, we must have clear, ‘open channels for receiving and oresnizine all of ‘information. Tere is no substitute for the therapist's ability to see, to hear, and to feel. In order to distinguish congruent from incongruent communication, the thera- pist must clea his input channels. By faling to close the channels he runs the risk of either being preoccupied and rising the other perion’s messages or of hallucinating spurious mestages Instesd of being receptive to what's actually being presented, When a therapist falls to clear all of his senses, he usually suecoeds only in Mind Read: ing rathor than in identifying and responding creatively to the messays from the person with whom be is working. Bach of us has @ nervous system, a personal history, and a view or model of the world which are unique to us. Whon e moot anothor person and communicate care- fully, we are emsitive to the other individual in hopes of truly making contect and leaning to apprecate his uniqueness, even af we, ourselves, change and grow from cour experience of the differences between us. Much of out feducttion ie dzected towaid insuting that the verbal language which we share with other speators (English, for this book) ovedaps enough to enable us to make ‘contact. This ves the people in the same langvage/ culture group a bass for communication, In the case of ‘the languages of the body, tonality, ete, slmost no formal education & ylven to us; in fact, litle is known about these languages. Yet, these non-verbal mesages constitute the bulk of the information which is ‘communicated by human betes. (One of the ways in which each of you ean become more sensitive to the variances from person to person in the non-verbal language whch caries so.much of our ‘communication is to consider the differences in gestural and body language fom culture to culture. In some cul- tures (talian, for example), holding the hand palm-up at about chin level, extended in front of you, end open- ing and closing the hand is a way of signaling goodbye, ‘whl, in our ultute, this gesture means something close to come here. It isso true n our experince that within ‘cultures there aze many differences In the meaning of the loments of non-verbal language. The furrowed brow for fone person may be a signal of anger and displeasure while, for another person, may simply signal concen- twation. Or again, sifting ycur gaze from the face of the pemon to whom you're speaking, just after hearing a question and prior to responding, is signal in the be havior of one person roughly equivalent to Lm uncom: fortable and don't wont to respond, while, in another peron, it it simply a way of cueing himself (specifically, fof making a picture which wil serve as the basis of the response) to respond appropriately. Translating it into words, It meane (approximately), In organizing my ex- perience with pictures and will respond in @ moment. ach of the body movemests, postures, tonalitis, ote which we employ in the non-verbal languages we use to communicate & the result of our own personal history, four own nervous system; few, if any, of these are con scious; few, i any, ofthese are standardized, either with in our culture of across cultres. The point we are making hore is that, while the bulk of communication betweenpeople is non-verbal, litle of it is ealibrated, and thore Js a great deal of room for mkcommunication, especially Jn the Mind-Reading and Complex-Equivalence phenom- ena we have proviosly idonttid. One very general overview of the process of commu: ication which we have found useful in organizing our experience is chat each communieation ~ composed of the speciic body posture, movement, voice tone and tempo, the words, and the sentence syntax — can be ‘understood to be comment on three areas of the on- ping experience: ‘The communicator, Sef "The person to whom the communieston is suddresod, the Other: and ‘The Context. ‘We represent this visually by the symbol: Ne ‘where § = Self 0 = Other © = Context ‘We have found it useul to check & person's communice tion for his ability to be aware of and communicate about each of thee dimensions If, for example, «person is unable, at 2 given point in time, to be awate of and to represent to himself and to others (communicate) cach of these parts of human experience, then this present Inability is connected with tae difcultis in his ite which brought him to us for theapy. Thus, It indicates to us where we may choose to intervene to asst him in de veloping hie ability to experience and make sense out of tach of these parts of hums experience, thereby cresting ‘more choices for himsolf. Notice thatthe same modeling proceses detailed in the patterns of verbal communica tion in Level I ofthis pat of the book also occur here at this higher lerel of pattersing. When a family member Tm seared, wo understand that he has dlated (nguisticlly) » por- tion of his experience; specifically, who or what is sear ing him, When a family menber is unable to be aware of tnd communlsste about his own feelings and thoughts, (OF his experience of another family member with whom he is communictting, or the context in which the com munication takes place, he is deleting (behariorally) & portion of his experiance and slo» portion of his po- tential a a human being. n our experience, the process ‘of restoring thie deletion wil be a very powerful learning experience for the individual, and it will assist him in having more choices in his ie ‘One of us [Virginia Stir] has identified four com- ‘munication categories or stances which people sdopt y lnder stress Each of thee Sati categories is charac terized by a particular body posture, st of gestures, 26 companying body seneations, and syntax. Each is a caricature:Satin Catagory Caricature of Placaing ‘Service Blaming Power Super Reasonable Intetect Inrelernt Spontaneity (2) Pheater Words — agree ~ (“Whatever you want is ‘okay. I am just here to make you happy.” Body ~ placates — ("Tam helpless") Insdes ~ ("I feel lke x nothings without him Tam dead. Lam worth”) ‘The placater always talks in an ings tiaing way, trying to please, apologizing, never disagrosing, no matter what. He's & “yes man.” He tlls as though he could do nothing or himself; he must always get someone to approve of him. You will find later that, if you play this role for eren five minutes, you will bogin to feel nauseous {and want to vomit, ‘A big help in doing « good placating job is to think of yourself as really worth nothing. You are lucky just to be allowed to feat. You owe everybody gratitude, and you realy are responsible for everything that oes wrong. You know you could have lopped the vain If you used your brains, but you don’t have any. Natutally, you will agne with any criticism made about you. You are, of couse, grateful forthe fact that anyone even tks to you, no matter what they say or how they say it. You would not think of aking anything for yourl: Attor all, who are you to ask? Besides, if you can jst be good exough it will come by isle Bo the moit syrupy, martyrish, boot licking person you can be, Think of your salt as being physically down on one kn wobbling » bit, putting out one hand in a begging feshion, and be sure to have your head up a0 your neck wil hurt and your eyes will become strained 20, in no time at@ sl, you will bein to get a headache. When you talkin this postion, your tolce will bo whiny and squeaky because you keep your body in such a lowered pos tion that vou don't have enough air to keen rich, full voiee. You willbe saying “yes” to everything, no matter what you feel or think. The placating stance is the body position that matches the placsting Blamer Words ~ disagree ~ (“You never do any- thing right. What is the matter with you?) Fody ~ blames — here.") Insides ~ ("Tam lonely snd unsuccessful”) ("Tam the boss around ‘The blumer is fault-inder, a dictator, boss, He acts superior, and he seems to be saying, “IC it wonen't for you, everything vould be all right.” The internal feling it fone of tightness in the muscles and in the organs, Meanwhile, the blood pressure isin ceasing. The voice is hat, tight, and often shill and loud, Good blaming requires you to be as loud and tyrannical as you ean. Cut everything sand everyone down. sa blamer, it would be helpful to thinke fof youreelt pointing your finger aceusinaly — and to start your sentences with, “You never do this, of you slways do that,or why do you always, or why do you never ...," and so fon. Don't bother about an answer. That is ‘unimportant. The blamer is much more In terested in throwing his weight around than relly finding out ebout anything. Whether sou know it oF not, when you are blaming, you ate breathing in Title, tight spurs, oF holding your breath alto- ether, becaute your throst muscles are $0 tight, Have you ever seon a relly Cistra ‘lamer, who ayer were buline, neck@ ‘muscles and nostrils standing out, who was setting red and whose voice sounded like soneone shoveling coal? Think of yourselé standing with one Bate! ou yuu hy wd the thor arm extended with your index finger polated straight out. Your face is screwed up, your tips curled, your nostrils red as you yell, call names, and criticize every thing under the sun. Computer Words — ultrazeusonsble ~ (“If one were to observe carefully, one might notice the workworn hands of someone present here") Body — computes — (“I'm ealm, cool, nd collected”) Inaides~ ("Tool vulnerable”) "The computer ivory cotrect, very rea- somble, with no semblance of any fesing showing. He is ealm, cool, and collested. He could be compared to an actual computer or 4 dictionary. The body fees dry, often cool, and disassociated. The voice i «dry mono- tone, and the words ae likely to be abstract, ‘When you are @ computer, use the long ‘et words possible, eren if you aren sure ff their meanings. You will at least sou intligent. After one paragraph, no one will he listening anyway. To got yourselt really in the mood for this role that your spite isa long, heavy steel cod, reaching from your buttocks to the nape of your neck, ard you have a toninchowide faon collar arcund your neck. Keop overy- thing about yoursel€ t motionless as pos- sible, including your mouth. You will have to try hard to keep your hands trom moving, but doit. When you are computing, your vice will naturally so dead because you have no feeling from the cranium down. Your mind is bent on beng careful not to move, and ‘you ate kept busy choosing the right words. ‘Aft all, you should never make 2 mistake.w ‘Tye sad part of this role ie that it seems to represent an ideal goal for many people “Say the right words; show no feeling; don’t reat.” Datracter Words — inslevant — (The words make ro tense) Body ~ Angular and off somewhere ele. Insides = (*Nobody cates. The place for me.") Whatever the distracter does or says it ineelovant to what anyone ele i saying or ong. He never makes a response to the point. His intemal fedling is one of diaz nese. The voles can be singtong. often out ff tune with the words, and can go up and down without wagon because i i focused nowhere. ‘When you play the distracting rle, it will help you te think of yourself ata kind ff lopsided top, constantly spinning, but fever knowing where you are going, and not realizing it when you got there. You are too busy moring your mouth, your body, ‘your arms, yorr legs. Make sure you are never on the peint with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with ‘one of your ows on a differnt subject. Take 4 place of imaginary lint off someone's ga. rent, untieshoslaces, and so on. ‘Think of your body as going off in dit. ferent directions at once. Put your knees together in an exaggerated, knocke-kneed fashion, ‘The wil bring your buttocks out fand make it easy for you to hunch your shoulders and have your arms and hands soing in opposie directions. 'At first thie role seems like a role Dut after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposelessness arise, If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you ‘won't notice itso muchAs practice for yourself, take the four physical stances I have described, hold them for just sixty seconds and see what happene to you. Since many people ate wn scoustomed to feeling thei body reactions, ‘you may find at fist that you are so busy thinking you aren't feeling. Keep at it, and yu will begin to have the internal feelings you've experienced so many times before ‘Then, the moment you are on your own two feot and ar fool relaxed and able to move, You find you internal feeling changes. It is my hunch that these ways of com- rmaniating ate learned early in childhood ‘They represent the best the child can make out of what he sees and heats around him, ‘As the child tries to make his way through ‘thy complicated and often-theestening world Jn which he finds himselt, he uses one oF another of these means of communicating. Alter enough use he can no longer distin. tis his response from his feeling of worth orhis personality Use of any ofthese four responses forges another rng in an individual's eolng of low salt orth oF low pot (see Peoplemahing, by Virginia Satie]. Attitudes prevalent in ur society also reitorce these ways of com munieating ~ many of which are learned at fou mother’ knee. “Don't impose: it's selfish to ask for things for yourself,” reinforces placing “Don't let anyone put you down; don't bbe & coward,” helps to reingoree blaming. “Don't be so serious. Live it up! Who ‘canes helps te reinforce distracting. ‘Don't It anyone be smarter than you. Be smarter than everyone around you. Ex plain everything but don’t experience it!” [tuto to rent cree computing} {[Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir, pp. 68-72; Science and Behavior Books, 1972) Finally, we would add to Satrs excellent description of sach of these communication stances the syntactic correlates which we hve found 10 accompany them Sati Category 1~ Placater se of qualifiers: 1, only, just, ever, ‘etc. Use of subjunctive mood of verbs: could, would, ete. Mind Read: Satie Category 2 ~ Blamer {Use of universal quantifiers: a every, any, each time, ete. Use of negative questions: Why don't you? How come you can't? ete. Cause Effect violations Satie Category 3. — Computer (super: Deletion of experiencer noun arguiments — the subject of active verbs 38 In see ~ can be seen or the ob: Ject of verbs wherein the object noun argument Is the experiencer, asin nouns without referential indices: i ‘one, people, ete. Use of nominaliza tions: frustration, srs, tension, et Satie Category 4 — Distracter This category, in our experience, isa rapid alternation of the first three; thus, the syntax which identifies it isa rapid alternation of the syntactic patterns of each of the three listed above. Also, the client displaying this category rarely uses pronouns In his responses which refer to parts of the therapist's sentences and ‘questions (The Structure of Megic, 11, John Grinder and Richard Bandler, p. 53; Science and Behavior Books, 1976) One way to understand how these postures can be ‘weful in your work is to realize that each of these pattems. is useful in coping, given the appropriate com. text, but that mo one of them ts complete. Messages sbout self and context have, for example, been deleted by ‘the placster. Understanding that each of these pre fants 8 choice, we, as peoplehelers. are thle to aet the people with whom we are working to have all of them at alternatives for rexonse. Another way that we have found theee Satir eatepories appropriate to use is that each of the postures represents universal and fre quently coving pattarn of ncongrlty. ‘As therapists committed to the profession of people Ihelping, wo are dally faced with the task of responding to non-verbal languages. The problem with which we are faced, then, it how to understand the intricacies and complexities of the unspoken messages ettectively fenouigh to asset the person with whom wo are working to change and grow. There are two ways which we have found most effective in coping with this difficulty First, to. simply ask what some particular, repetitive body movement, tonality, ete. is or what i€ looks like, ‘or sounds lke, oF feels like 0 him. Secondly, we have found that very dramatic and effective therapy can be bused solely on a judgment of match or mismatch, con gruent or incongruent, with respect to the messages which we recelve [Notice that neither of these choices requires the therapist to engage in Mine Reading. In the first ease, he merely askr for a trandation into words (the full Complex-Enuivalence relationship), and, in the second cate, he assigns no oral meting to the non-verbal mes sages he is receiving, but simply decides whether or not the messages fit together. Following are several ex- amples of these patterns, caken from the same trans: cript further on in the session. ‘Therapist: Yos, Matec; and I'm wondeting just how you ‘would know when Daveis respecting you.Marcie: Well, for one thing, he has ta lea to pay atten- tion to me; how can he respect me when he doesn't ‘ven pay attention to me? Like right now Therapist: Marcie, how do you know that Dave's not paving attention to you? ‘Marcie: See for yours; this whole time, like always [Tm talkingand hos looking atthe floor. Theropst: So, when you've talking and you see that Dave is not looking at you ~ then you know that he's not paring attention to you? ‘Marcie: Good; Ise that you've go the picture, ‘Therapist: Well, 'm not so sure. Td ike you to atk Dave whether or not he was paying attention to you, OK? (OK. Dave, 1 would really like to know it you are paying atfontion tome, (Ae Marcie says this, she leans forvard, with her left index finger ‘extended in Dave's divection, her right hand on hee hip, her tone of voice shill and tight, her throat sand neck msles taut.) ‘Dave: Of couse, Marcie, you know that ‘Therapist: (interrupting Dave) Hold i @ minute, Dave (arming to Marcio) Mareie, I want to tell about some things Twas just aware of when you asked Dave whether or not he was paying attention to you, OK? Thad some difiulty understanding exactly what ‘you were communicating. I hestd the words whieh You used, but, somehow, the way that you moved ‘your body, your let hand, and the tone of your voice ‘that you used when you spoke did't for me ‘Marcie: Ob, yeak. Well, you're the one who wanted me to ask him, I already lenew that he wasn't payin any attention Diseegarding the pattems which wo have already ienifed, you wil notice that the therapist is using his ‘anses — his input channels ~ to dotect incongruity in DMarcics communieation to Dae Specially. the words ‘which he hears do not mates her tone of voice nor het hand movements and positon. Without attempting to scign any meaning t0 these non-verbal cues, he simply presents them to Marcie and states that he had a dificult time understanding her communication. Consider what has happened here: ‘The therapist detects Mind Reading snd Complex Equivalence by Maree: not pay attention fo. me= no! look at me when Tm talking [Next, he moves to break up this pice of calibrated com: munication by asking Marcie to check out her Mind Reading Complex Equivaleace with Dave. As she asks Dave about this, her voice tone, body posture and move- ments fail to match her words. The therapist again inter- tenes by making Marcie aware of tho incongruities ‘hich he detected in her communication and tells her of his difieulty in understanding her incongruent commu: ication. Marcie’ response closely indicates that she is completely calibrated with respect to Dave's communi tation; shee abgolutely convinced that Dave is not peving attention to hor when he is not looking at her Since she is totally conviared, the task which the ther pst has asked her to perform is not congruent with what she believer, and the result is an incongruent ‘communication. Marcie: Ob, yeah; well you the one who wanted me toask him; | already know that he wasn’t paying any attention, Therapist: (tuning to Dave) Dave, 1d tke you to re- spond to Marce's question, ‘Dave: Sure; well, I really was listening to whet Marcie (Che therapist gestures that Dave should speak directiy o Marcie} to what you were saying, Marcie (look: ing at her), Oh, what's the use (looking down at the foot). ‘Trorapist: Dave, what happened with you just then? You seemed to nok at Marcle and then you looked bck at the floor, ‘Dove: Oh, 1 jut saw that look atin on Matie'’s face. 1 know what that means: She's unhappy with me, Therspst: Marcie, true oF not true, what Dave ssid? ‘Marcie: No. Actually, 1 was watching Dave's face and ‘thinking how much I'd lke to believe him. Therepist: Dave tell us shout how you end up looking atthe floor instead of directly at Marci, Dove: What? Therapist: Vd like you to describe what happened to you when you vere talking to Marcia and looking at her, and then you ended up looking atthe floor. ‘Dave: Oh, Vm ased to that. I don’t tlk 50 good when T {et tight — you know, like T was describing before. ‘And when Marcie looks st me that way, T sorta go blank, you know what I mean? ‘Therapist: And when you are trying to listen to Marcie and understand her, what happens that you end up Tooking at the loor? ‘Dave: 1 really want to hear and understand what she is saying, and if Ty to look at her and Tee that look fon her face like before, [don't hear what she's sty Ing Marcio, I really do. relly. ‘Therapist: Tm wondering (turing to Marcie) whether you realized that Dave as not looking at you but rather at the floor, not because he wasn’t paying Sttention to you, but because it's realy important to him that he is able to pey attention to what you are saying. Did you know thst before? Morcie: (beginning to ery sflly) Yes, Dave, Thelieve you. Therapist; And you, Dave, when you see that look om Marci’s face — the one that you used to think was because she was unhappy with you ~ do you under- stand that that's Marci’ way of showing interest, of paying attention to you? "This portion of the transcript shows several impor- tant pattems, First, notice chat some of the pat nected with Dave and Mateo comet directly trom the calibrated communication system which they have built up with one another, In the way that Marcie organizes her experience, she has set up the Complex Equivalence that if Dave is not looking at her, he is not paying atvonton to her, In Dave's ay of organizing his exper and he sees fence, whenever he is looking at Mar certain expression on her fate, he has to look away fm her in order to continue to be attentive. This i Just the vicious eyele of communication falure we encounter so frequently: The very thing that one family member does to accomplish something isthe cue or signal to another family member that he is not doing that very thing. The cyclo continues indefinitely as thore is no way in the present patterns of communication for the individualmembers to get feedback, "This exchange between Marcie and Dave, then, is an excellent example of the way in which the patterns of Complex Equivalence and Mind Reading eam hoole up to create a chain of calibrated communication which. ve- sults in pain or the family members. We can break up the process in a step-by-step manner to Klentiy the over all pattern and the separat ment of 1, Both Marcie and Dave are caring, well- intentioned people. They sincerely want to eom- ‘unica with esch other, Marcle begins to talk; ave is watching her as he listens, 2. Marcie struggles to express herself accurately, snd Dave struggles to understand, In her efforts o communicate, Marcie changes the expression fon her face, narrowing her eyes as she males ‘mental petures to help her organize her commu ication (remember, her most used representa- ‘tional sytem is visual), and leans forward, Dave, in the past, has seen a similar expression on Marcie face and observed similat body move- ments by Marcie when she is untsppy with him. ‘That is, Dave has a Complex Equivalence of: Marcie narrows eves and leans foreard Marcie is unhappy with Dave 3. By the Complex Rauivalenee, Dave “knows” what Mateo is feling and thinking: that i, em- Ploying the Complex Equivalence, Dave uses Mind Reading to determine Marcie's experi fence. This is the finst piece of calibrated ‘communication. Since Dare “knows” that Marcie is unhappy with him, he is teht and finds it ditieult to Tisten and to understand what she is saying while he is aware of her signals, Thus, he shins his gaze from Marie to the floor. Notice that thie shift comes ftom his desire to understand Marcie, plus his Mind Reading. Marcie notes the shift of Dave's eyes from her to the floor. Inthe past, Marcie has seen this ‘movernent on Dan's part when he is not paying attention to her. Thus, Marcle has the Complex Equivalence of Dave shifts gaze fom Marcie to the floor = Dave is nat paying attention to Marcle By Complex Eauiraenee, Marcle “knows” that Dave is not paying attention t0 her — she “knows” the inner experience which Dave is having. Marcle is now Mind Reading; this is the second piece of calibrated communication. Since Matce “knows” that Dave is not paying attention to her, ie increases her efforts to cap ture his attention — leaning farther forward in her chair, nazowing her eyes even moro, as she tempts to orgarize her communittectvely (by making pictures ofthe ways she ‘ight use to ain his attention), Notice that these changes which she goer though come from her desire to communicate with Dave, plus hee Mind Reading. Dave and Marcie are now locked into « vicious cle: The moro that Marcio tree to express herselt ‘ttectively, the more she presents Dave with signals that she is unhappy with him, and the more that Dave detects the signal that Marcie Is unhappy with him, the ‘more he respords by tying to understand, presenting ‘her with signals that he is not paying attention to her, fand the more that Marcio detects Dave's signals, the ‘more she strives to communicate and to capture his a tention, and the more .... After some period of time — ter the eycle has gone around several times — Marcle will in fact, bocome unhappy with Dave, and Dave will, in fact, stop peying attention to Marcie to avoid the ‘bad feeling it gives him, This last step puts the finish ing touches on the calibrated communication as it con- firms the Complex Equivalence and Mind Reding upon hich that communication cycle based My our experience, one of the results of calibrated communication cycles, such as those we have observed between Dave and Marco, i that, as they continue to ‘iscommunicate in other ways, they come to doubt their worth as human beings. For example, Marcie may come 0 question whether she is worth Dave's attention, and Dave may come to wonder whether Marcle’ being un- ‘happy with him is because he is incapable ot being the ‘cause of her expeiencing happiness, A pattern clossly connected with one way by which the therapist breaks up 2 calibrated communication is that of translation. Matco's most used representational system is visual, and, consistent with this, Is the type fof Complex Equivalence she sts up: Dave Is not pay: ing any sttention to her unless he is looking at her ‘when sho speaks, But Dase's primary system for his experience is kinesteti. Slace he feels bad (tight and blank) when he sees her look at him in a certain way, he then sifts his gaze to the floor in order to be able to Day attention, ‘The theriist recognizes this pattern fand states it explieily, in effect translating from one ‘model of the world (Dave's) to the one which Marcie uses Omitting part of the transcript, we come now to an other example of incongruity ‘Therepst:(curning to the son) OK, Tm, just tell me one thing that you would like to change in you family. ‘Tim: (glancing quickly at his mother) Well, 1 don’t really know ,... Mom always says not to talle about Marcie: (interupting, pointing her finger, slowly moving her head trom fide to side) Go shed, dear; just say whatever you'd like. voice tone sari) ‘Tim: Ah... Link that I don’t want to... maybe liter. Therapist: Margaret (15-year-old daughter), when ‘Matcie spoke to Tim Just now, what were you wate of? Margret: Well, I don’t know ... she looked kinda angry and. ‘Thoropet: What di she say to Tim? ring forward in her chi‘There are several useful patterns in thie exchange Ft, notice that the words which Marc ress herself do not agree with the posture, body move- ‘ments and voce tonality which she usee ae she says ‘the words. ‘The boy im (12 years old) must decide to Which message he will espond from the conflicting ones he is receiving from Marcle. We ean visually present this process 1 tone shit cm aa > 4 ~ werds~ go ahewd, de ts say ithatooor you'd tke ‘Tim decides (not necessarily consciously) to accept the first group of three messages and respond to them rather than to the last single one. The therapist has identitied another piece of incon ftuent communication — in thie ease, rather than com ment on it hinslf, he asks another meinber of the family t0 do s9. Her response allows the therapist to Aetermine several things; Margaret, apparently, is not aware of the licongruity: she reports only the informa: tion which she received visually. One of the unfortunate but alltoo-common patterns which result trom incon- sgruent communcation is that the people exposed to it decide to shut down one of thei major sourees of infor mation. In other words, since the messages which they ae receiving do not fit tomsther, their response to this incongruity — the way in which they resolve it — is simply to delete ono of the sources of the non-matching ‘messages. In Margaret's ease, she is aware of what her ‘mother, Marcie, looked lke but not of what she sod Several unfortunate things result from this kind of decision on the part of Margaret. First, she has de: veloped a pattern by which, whenever she is presented with an incongruent communication — a situation in hich the messages which she is receiving from the ther person do not fit ~ she systematically selects the Information which she reesives vieully. This deprives her of # major source of knowledge about other people and the orld around her. Secondly, when Massie (ot snyone) communicates incongruently, she is indicsting that she, herself, x uncertair, split, oF of more than one frame of mind about what is going on. Incongruent communication is a signal that thet person has more than one map ot model for hie behavior, and that these ‘maps oF models confit. Since these maps or guides for his behavior lish, when He attempts to respond to ‘others, he presents messages ftom each of these models and the messages do not saree, When Margaret chooses to respond to only one set of messages (derived from Marcie’ one model of the world), Margaret loses touch ‘with the other part of Marcie. Each of the models which Marcie has i truly a part of, and a resource for, her Wihon the people around her come to respond wo only fone of these parts, Marcie herself begs to lose touch ‘with the other patt, and she becomes wholly unaware of this other resource whieh could be availble to her‘Typically, sho becomes blocked in her growth and de- velopment as an alive and creative human being, her communication remains incongruent, and she feels spl, paralyzed — 2ven confused — about what she realy vente! ‘Thinlly, when Marcio communicatee. incom sruently, other family members are faced with the task ot deciding to which set of mesiages they will respond. ‘Take Margaret as an example: Sho is only awaro of the information ske receives visually, Notice that she labels the non-verbal signals: She looked hinda angry. This, of course, is a rattern which we have already. identified several times, that of Complex Rauivalence: 2 tuger plating Marcie cae te tndeoey ad, er. for Merge "This particular Complex Equivalence likely to become seneralized into a piece of ealibeated communication — ‘that is whonevor Margaret sees and hoats the signals Tistod above, no matter what el i happening, she will ecide (ogain, probably unconsciously) that Marcie is ‘kinda angry. This is tho way in which the phenomenon of incongruent communication serves as the basis for fstablishing the Complex Equivalences from which ‘come Mind Reading and the ealiheatad communication sequences which ape all too often the source of pain, By asking diferent members of the family to describe their ‘experiences of the ongoing processes, the therapist be- tine to find out about the rules, the patterns of what lowed, ox are not allowed, #2 the family: members do, say, oF notice about chomselves and each other.” One of the classes of rules which i, in our exper: fence, very useful In coming to understand family sys toms, expecially in the context of therapy, isthe clase of rules about what the family members may perceive and tact upon when they experience incongruent communi- cations. Another way of understanding these rules isto determine which input channels the family. membors may use, ‘These are often the patterns of Complex quivalence which occur crer and over agin, The fore going example of Margarst and Marcie suggosts that the Information from the vaual input channel will tke priority over the other match, Another, and in our experience, equally important, ‘st of rules is that which secities which output channels may be used to express which types of mesages by which family members. rinele when there is & mie ‘Therapist: Yes, Marcie, T understand that you are wor: ried shout what Margret ie doing at school. 1 ‘wonder if you would lt hor know directly by telling hr vight now about your concern for her. ‘Marca: Thats silly; of course she knows that I'm con: ‘cerned about ‘Therapist: Ave you eure, Marcle? How do you hnow ‘that she lows that you'te concerned about her?When was the asthe that you told her? Marcie: Look, things like that don't need to be said; afterall, im her mother; I mean ... (fading out) know, beingher mother and ll ‘Marcie: Margate, 1... (pause) ... (Marcie laughe ner ‘ouly) this i really hard. Idon' see what ...OK (Gsuth), Iam concerned about you, Margaret. Ieare about you and what you are doing. ‘Therapist: (turing to Margaret) Well, Margaret, did {you heat what she sak? ‘Margaret: Yeah, heard ... but i's blowing my mind snd Tike i ‘Therepist: Margret, Is there anything that you would Uke to say to Marcie? ‘Margaret: Oh, o& ...., ramm, let meson. well, xtualy, 1 do want :0 tell you that your face looked ro nice land soft when you just said what you did. I mean, T really liked watching you and hearing what YoU seid, and any time you want to say anything like that gun, 1 be glad to listen. ‘Thoropist: Marco (turning to her), did you heat her? (pointing to Margaret) ‘Marcie: (erying softy) Yes, 1d Hore, the therapist bev by identifying the by-now: familiar pattern of Mind Reading. He challenges the cai brated feedback by asking the mother to check with he aughtor to find out whether or not her hallucination is accurate. Marcle Immediately balks. ‘This notities the therapist at once that a family cule i involved ~ specifi: cally, the rule tat, i this family, the expression of com: ‘erm by the mother forthe daughter (and, in our exper ence, this rule probably applies to other members of the family as well) cannot be exrliitly communicated vee bully. In other words, in the tarms which we have been Geveloping, the rule eliminates the output channel of ‘verbal expresion for messages of concer, "The therapist stays with Maree, encouraging her until she succesfully breaks the family rule aginst ex pressing concern through bodly contact. Ax soon as the ‘mother has accomplished this, he moves to the daughter and works with her to prose positive feodback to Marcie. Then, he extends this new learning, the ability to use the output channel of direct verbal expression to communicate concern, and has the daughter break the rule, also. Next, he crests enother option for expres ing messages of love and concern within the family system, He gusts at and then verfios that there is a rule agsinst the mother and daughter (and, most prob- ably, the other family members) expressing their love and concern physically ~ tat is, he identifies another ‘output channel which has been knocked out by a rule ‘Therapist: 1 have 2 hunch shout something. Marcio, is there any way that you can imagine that you could, right now, express your concern for Margaret? Marcie: Huh, 1 don't soe how .-., T-..0 «., Leant. Theropat: Well, are you wiling to learn another way of ‘expressing your concor for Margaret? Morcie: Sure, Tm game, I worta lke what I've learned ofa. Therapist: Maxcie, 1 would like you to slowly get up,ross over to Margaret, and hold her gently Marcie: What? "Thats silly; things Uke that... ob, that's what I said the last time, (getting up and crossing the room to Margaret and slowly, at ft clumsily, and then mote gracefully, embracing her) Therapist: (quietly turning to im) And, Tim, what are you awar® of as you watch th ‘Tim: (startled) Anh, I want some, too. ‘This isan excellent example of the outcome of a therapeutic intervention to asst the family members In congruontly expressing. thelr feelings and eating for ‘ach other. The therapist asists the members of the amily in becoming congeuent in the expression of im- portant messges. As. this happens, he immediately feneralzes th new esting to include other output channels — other choices for harmonious expressions — and other tary member. SUMMARY In Part 1, we have attempted to begin to develop & model of the ways in which we have found it useful to organize our experience in amily therapy. We have done this by, fist, attempting to find a point of common ex- pevlence from which to build our model. Thi point of ‘common experience is a description here in words which ‘each of you ean associate with the actual rich and com- plex experiences you have had in your work as family therapists, As we stated previously, models of experi- ‘ence ~ our model of family therapy — are to be judged 5 meful oF not uteful, not a6 true of fale, accurate or Inaccurate, The first requiement for a model to be use- ful is that you must be able to connect it with your ex perience ~ thus, the noad for a common reference point We have selected languaye patterne 38 the common ret erence point; these constitute the Patterns of Family ‘Therapy, Level "The second level of pitterns which we have ident ‘ed involve non-verbal as well as verbal patterns. We Ihave not attempted to be exhaustive ~ there are many ‘more patterns of which we are aware which we have ound to be extremely useful in our work in family therapy. Rather, we have altempled to identity the min- Jum set of patterns which we feel necessary for cree: tive, dynamic and effective family therapy. In the next prt, Part TT, we will group these patterns into natural classes and specify tome of the waye in which we fit them together in effective, ager level patterning. We will also, in this next part, focus more on the choices which the family therapist has in assisting the family ‘members to change the pattems of their system to make possible the process of change and growth, both for exch of them as individuals and for the family a= a whole, FOOTNOTES FOR PART I(0) Hanered the anton my pte. (0) Fite enor the ont on my plate (6) Thee war anton my alate Sach of wo apekerltene of the language Enh (he sere i tao every ote atl langage coma ing A, which idemtegvome of the many English forme which ery 85 in Volume of The Sete of Mare, Slee snd Behavior nlver of hilton. vchaos M.D, Valame I ete Pub 240 in Patera ofthe Hypnotic Technguerof Maton Bik 3. The ute fe pattern of vr sommunicton eed conser ional pontult of ole command nt conan of yea ewer of Milton Beebo, 4. The term refi Inde afar to har + lange spr cnmmend page 478 and 8988 in The Stace of Magi, ‘Volume T pes 160177 in Coxoiat amy Therapy, Seance ‘The proces of raving that te family member Proc deepsons~ tht ect verde rane of the ways {hep pth oi mmr ae of he oi BaD i The Structure of Mane, Yom “The sherpa (or hypnotist to entity an cally ures 102104 and 28-291 in Pater of te Hypnotic Tech iget of Aiton H. Brion MD.{nd 96-107 in The Structure of Mani, Volume Tr and pape ‘formes, Mind Reading nnd Law Peformatine afte ws. The technique of identifying Caus-Bifet semantic ‘aca in detain The Stature of age Volume 1 ges 5152 an 8:08, Pater of the Hypnotic Techniques of ton for timity membem See The Structure f Magi, Volume ty bees 1016, ad Pate of fhe Mme Tener of sample, for some people the word cariep thane sine te ‘hos, the pater of Complex Bgualence i ouply the are he ec atin af wor) meld howe fe wos Se The Structure of Mane, Vole | ages 6890; Fates of the Hypnotic Dehniques of Miton 3. etaon he Stractre of Mage Vora I, Chapter 1, inland evs in wiih cm be untuly employed ie gen In The SScture of Mage, Volume It Pat Uy and in Patna ofthe CCongratics i perbaps the age moet important dimension of ‘he communiation of others. See Pst I, The Sucture of 120ta, Chapter 4 and 5; nak Piter of the Hype Teck iver of Mion H Bristion sD, Wale We inten to plore the notan of rule, thei deriopment and orhcoming), We recomend RD. Laing detaon of rule Proplmeting, Coplr 4a The Stractor of Mage, VouPART IIIntroduction In this part of the books, we will present the overall model for family therapy. Models for complex bebavior are ways of explicitly orzanizing your experience for feting effectively in this aes, Family theeapy is asur flly one of the most complex aress of human behavior. For our model to be useful for each of us as a family ‘theraplit it must reduce the complesity to a level which wwe, a6 humans, are able to handle. In the model we present here, we have kept that requirement clearly in rind; we have identified what we consider the minimum Aistinetions which will alow the therapist to organize his expetience in family therapy so that he may actin & ‘way which will be both effective and ereative, What this means is that, in our experience, when wo are careful to make the distinctions we pesent in our model, and when ‘we ongenize our experience in the catogory specified in the model in the sequence stated, we have been consis tently effective and dynarie in our wk with fami.In Part I of this book, we identified and gave ex amples of some of the patierns we consider necesiry for ttective family therapy. In this portion of the book, we lasses specify «sequence in which the therapist can, in four experience, usefully employ those first-level patterns = they show him an order in which he may effectively apply the pattons identified in Part 1. The result ofthis srouping is an explicit, formal strategy for family ther: apy. The strategy is explicit in that it specities both the parts of the process of family therapy (the patterns of Part 1) and the soquence in which they ean be applied. Because itis explicit, the strategy is also learnable. ‘The strategy is formal in that it ie independont of content — it applies equally well to any family therapy sesion, rgardless of the actual “problems” which the family brings to the stsion. Again, we are strssing that there is a process independent of content. Our attention is basically on the process. Change the process and new uses of content aro possible. The process depends only upon the forms and sequences of the patterns which ‘eccur in the communication between the family members ip thove palterne nto natural clase. hove nstwral and the therapist, For example, the process is inde ‘pendent of the ongth of the therapeutic seson, Another ‘way to explain vhat we mean when we point out that the stratogy given by our model is Cormal, i to say that the ‘model deals with process — it focuses om the patterns of coping within che family syst, irrespective of the specitic problems found within that family. 1 is imporant for us to emphasize this distinction between content and proces. Our model of family the spy f& designed to ast the family in coping effectively at the process level. In other words, independently of ‘whether the members of the family believe their “problem” ta be in the are of sex, or money, or eild- tee: rearing practices in-laws, discipline, or whatever, tive family therapy will expaad their chotees of express: ing congruent communication and of coping in every tee of their experience as a family. In our work, we have found that assisting family members in having new choices at the proces level in any area of content will gener a of their ‘experience. Furthermore, our model is designed to provide euch fo you with » way of organizing your experience so that you have e direction, « way of knowing what happens ext, not by deciding beforchand what will happen but by tecognizing the patterns presented to you by the family. Pethaps most important for your continued ‘rowth aa potent family therapist, it provides you with fa way of getting feedback, 1 way of finding out what ‘works. Our hope that you will accept this model and find it useful in your difficult but rewarding work as & people-hlper We fool that itis helnful to you, the reader, in using the patterns in the model for family therapy which we have ezeated, to have an explicit, clear understanding of the process we call communication, We would remind the realer that what we present as our model of the word. communication does not completely cover either our Understanding or our experince. Rather, we offer it 36 fa auide to asst you in finding moaning in our model for amily therapy. Visually, we ean represent the process of ‘communication in the following steps: lize naturally to other aiPommusicston ommmanieton Expereneo(nceer) Contarino) Resbopte Behavioriweriver) We now present a briot description in words of these specifi tops in the process of communication: (1) Communication (communicator) ~ the mes e sages offered by the person doing the com- ‘munieaing. The person communicating will present these messages in many different forms ~ body postures; movement of hands, arms,ete.; evessanning patterns; vies tonality and tempo; breathing rate; words, sentence syntax, etc, Furthermore, these messages may or may not be in the conscious awsreness of the per son communicating. Experience (eosner) the messages received by the person to whom the communication is Aiveted. The messages are received through the various sensory channels: eyes, ears, skin, ee. ‘These messages may or may not bein the con- scious awareness of the person reesving them (8) Conclusion (cecever) ~ the understanding reached by the pesson receiving the messages 3s to what the measiea mean. Again, the recover ‘ay reach an understanding both in and out of (4) Generalization (scsiver)~ the way in which the person ccsing the messages connects thems his past experience, and the way ini which the receiver uses his understanding of the rmossages received to shape his comprehensions and responses explain thelr use in the prosent and, without interention, forthe future. (5) Response Behavior (receiver) = the way in ‘which the person receiving the messages re- sponds, This tep in the communication eycle is ‘oauivalent to the fest step when the original ‘communicator and receiver have switched posi- tions. In the diggam on page 98, this is the meaning of the azow which cycles back, con necting the last step inthe diagram to the fist stop. In our experience, the proces of communication between two or more people rarely occurs in thie sequence: rather, the steps typically overlap. For example, even se arrange my body in a certain posture, move my hands and foot and eyes, produce a certain tone of voice, speak at a specie speed, utter the specific words in the specific sentence forms, I see movements as you shift vour body posture, move your hands, nod or shake yourhead, ote. ~ movements which present messgss 0 ie which I incorporate (both in and out of swarenes) into sy ongoing communiation, Thus, a2 with any model ‘which we cate, we have made dictete end separate te ongoing flow of experience in ordar to attampt to fully understand all of the messages and to ereate new choies for ourselves, ‘As family therpats, one way for us to understand the task which we have set for ourselves fe to asi the families whe come to usin ain Lo crest new choices for thomelves, both as individuals and as « family unt ‘The familys pein becomes for the therapist a signal {or s powertalinterention for change. Pain, therefore, is in itslt «useful message. We interpret it at = wish to grow in an ares in which the person needs help to achiove that growth. More speciiealy, we work to dis: cover the neds snd to help the family members change the pattern of communication by which they ate cre ting thie pain for themscles, Using the previously sven, fivesiep model for communication, we stk how we can thin ourselver to be more skill in. dis covering the patorns which aro causing the family pain, and how we can reorginiae the family’s resources so a8 o transom the pattern of pain into pattems of posi tive commusieation which each family member can use to gain what he or ahe wants. Another way of stating this Is to atk: What are tne characteristics of the patterns of miscommunication in felie; by what particular procest are they created; and how, spect leally, ean we intervon in the family system to help the mombers trinsform the patterns of miscommunication Into resources for themselves? To answer these questions, we will esrbe two extrome patterns of com- munication ~ the pattern of calibrated communication, ‘which results in pain and diatisfaction for the people Involved, aia tl pattems of feedback communication, hich results fa choice for tne people Involved. Whether the communication ie conguent or incongruent, the process of comiuniation veil continae — in both cases, tach of us acte and reacts. Typically, the way we act ia the context of incongruent communication is untimely, inappropriate, and chaotic, while, in the context of congruent communication, we act timely, ereativly, sd appropriately to the occasion. ‘CALIBRATED COMMUNICATION CYCLE We now describe the specific characteristics of a typleal calibrated eommunicition eyele? which results in pin for the people involved, We use the fivestep com ‘munication model (1) Communication commanicttor: In both the formation and the running of the calbratd cycle, the person initiating the messages is fcting Incongruerty. In other words, the Imessages earied ty the communicator's body position and movement, his voice tonality, his Skin fone and coor, the tempo of his speech, the swords, the sontence syntax, ete, do not match. ‘Usually, the communicator who is inconervent In his communicition is wnaware that the messages which he it presenting to the receiverdo not match, This is possible because he is vate of only some of the mestages he s pre senting — the set of conflicting messages remains outside of his awarenes. For example Goorge: (head shaking slowly from side to side, breathing shallow and iregua, ll body weight om vight leg, lft lg lightly forward, voice quality hatsh and raspy, lett hand lightly extended, index finger Pointing, right hand extended, palm up) Oooh, Mother, how delightful of you todrop inom us Here tho messages cased by George's body — his movements, breathing, voice tone and words ~ do not match. Yet, George, f questioned shout it, would very likely be aware only of the words which ho uttered and not the conflicting mesiges caried by his other communication ‘hamels. Which sot of messages George fs most sate of is closely connected to what his most ‘used representational system i. We understand that George, in this situation, not lying, tempting to deceive himself or hi mother law, oF even being insincere, Rath we know {hat George has several simultaneous responses to nexpectadly finding his motherndaw sttd- {ng on his front porch. A part of George responds by atompting tobe gracious and weleoming to his motherindaw; enother part of George ep Patenty is startled, upset, and angry, ete. The point for us to make that each ofthe messages famied by George le a valid representation of part of hm at that mement in time, To deny, or Tenore, or idee a8 bad any of these messget and the pats of George which produced them is to deny of ignore some important elements of George which can save as powerful resources for inn, In fact, they cam serve as an oppor tunity for growth and change. Furthermore, in ‘ou experonce, it, IRerally, imposible to act tly deny of lgnore apart of a person; that part ‘vil continually asserts utili ie accepted, Dosibly transformed and ltegratod into the ‘whole permon. One example from traditions! Dvchstry of this continual assertion of a Aenied ot ignored parti symptom conversion. "The parts of George which generate the con flicking messages we understand to be incon tent models of the votld which he has not yet Integrated. Experience (steels): ‘The receiver is now faced with the tank of understanding the com- munication presented by the communicator —a ‘st f menges which do not match, do not ft together, Typically, the receiver will solectively ‘ay aitenton to the messages arivng through fone of his input channels and diswgnrd the others. More accurately, in our experince, the feceiver will he aware of the messages arriving in one of his inpat channels, while the remain: ing messages are recived and accepted outsideof his awareness. Again, which mesiages the 1e- cedver is aware of closely connected with his most used representational system. The im- pertant point here 1s chat, when a recener is Drsented with incongruent communication fem the communicator, he eeprezents ll of the conflicting mestages, some within his con sciousness, some outside. if the recelver is fnare that some of the messes conti, he, typically, will conscioudy reed the com rmunicetor as insincere or deceleul, If the re ‘cher is avare only of the messages which ft tovether ~ the messages which contlct being recolved and accepted atthe unconscious level ~ then, typically, he will ntlly become sn comfortable, and, If he continues to receive incongruent communication, ater sometime he himselt will become incongruent in his re sponses, This description contains the essential lements of the process by which children be: come incongruent — a naturel leering from webmeaning parents, In addition, people who focus on the content rather than the proces te vulnerable to incongruity. This proses, by the wap, isthe basi for much ofthe discomfort experienced by poopledelpers who are faced diy with the task of communicating with in congruent people with whom they are working. Some patterns of miscommunication — the process by which family members create pals for themsalves ~ show up in the asitems exe: ated between thompists and those with whom ° ‘they work, This i one of the reasons that ther avits themselves frequently feel drained at the fend of the day and sometimes have difiultis Conclusion twerve): Faced with the task of ‘making mesning ou ofa conflicting tt of mes ges, the receiver, typically, ends up having one of two experiences: (2) I, in Step (2), xperence (cave, the 10 ‘ceiver has orguriedhis reception af the com ‘icting mesags ao that ho is aware of only the consistent mesager, he wil reach the conscious conclison thatthe communicator Intends only the messages of which he is aware, As meationod previously, he will e- felve and acct the conflicting messages at the unconscious lve, and, typically, will seach the cotclsion (at the unconscious Tovel) that ths communicator intends the ressages recived outside of awareness. The Suteome of this proces thatthe receiver ‘reatn within himgelf conflicting models of this experience and usually feels confused (b) A, in Stop (2), Experience rere the ‘siver has organized bis reception ofthe con ficting mesager 0 that he is aware that they do not match, be will egurd the com or manipulative, of ‘ven a evil and malicious4) Generalization (es ver: Often, In the eon: text of incongruent communication, previous ‘expetinces (pecially from the receivers fam Aly 0” origin) are activated or tgered by the confeting messages, It may be, for exampl thatthe particular combination of incongruent ‘messages In the speitc sensory channels per- alles a pattern of incongruent communication from one of the parents of the receiver. Orit may be that the fetings of confusion exper: ‘enced by the receiver tiger the recall of ex Derierces from the past in which he elo felt fontwed. If, for example, two peo have history of Intercommunicstion and one of them, when expressing anger, has, in the pat, consently extended her finger, pointing st the second person, then, when she is incongruent in 41 way which specially includes pointing her ‘oger; the second person wil respond only to the pointinetinger portion of the incongruent ‘communication ~ tht is, the second person Finger pointing ~ other person anery no mitter what other messages might aecom: any he pointing finger. This type of gener slzation ~ taking 4 postion of « complex ‘experience and accepting it as representative of the whole experience ~ i, agua, an example of whut we eal Complex Equivalence, Puther- ‘more, when the second person decides thatthe ‘mesnirg of the pointing fger ix thatthe fis, enon is angry, he oresents us with a typeal fxample of the pattern which we call Mind Reading. One distinctive characterise of the Iypee of gonerliration ellad Complex: Bault- flonco and Mind Reading is thoi egiity — their Indexibiity. The person making these types of generalizations has no tools for check: ing to tnd out whether or not they are accurl Tis concluslons ate fixed and opereto auto- matically, often independently of the context in Iwhich they occurred. We emphasize that gen- Cralzaions are 4 tool, an important way of or fining our experience. This hook isin its, « ‘aries of generlizatiens shout our experience in family therapy. I 6 only when generalizations ‘become fixed nd rid, deeply embedded in the pewon's perception of iter communication mes ‘eve, that he exporanees no chole in respond Ing. "Those genealations are, fiker of gene suppoaitions — bis previous experience. They a ‘embedded in the person's behavior that he will distort the messages he Js vesiing to fH his toneralzatons, rather than to come to his enon and directly experience the world. These potters are powerfal examples of selfing prophecies —they kep the person who operates trith them from experiencing Ube world inthe Present time and place. They distort fresh ex perlnce tof thee previously determined com cepts and the world becomes # monotonous re tun ofthe pat. Thee two patterns ~ ComplexEquivalonce and. Mind Reading ~ form the bass of the callrated communication cycles ‘whlch erate pain in fasily systems. (6) Response Behavior (receiver: As mentioned proviourly, the response canbe rogardod asthe betinning of «new cycle of communication. In ction, unless the reeeiver of the orignal incongruent communication is mselt con: frnt, he will respond incongruently and an- totter calibrated. communication eyelo begins, "Therapie need to carefully avoid developing, without thei being aware of it calibrated com munication with those with whom they are ‘working in therapy, and themselves reinforcing the destructive patterns vathor than developing few choices with the family members. An ex mpl of this eth situation in which the ther ‘pt terponds to am attack by one family member on another member as though he (the therapist) were the ene beng attacked. ‘Typically, ealibeated communiation cycles between members of faily will become more and more abbre ited until merely the easing of an eyebrow will rigger ain an rage in other family member. We nov present an example of highly calibrated, pain-producing communication eycle from a family thee spy session. "The Eally in this session conan of three members: Henry ~ the huhandifather: pleating, ith 4 inesthetc representational system as primary; Michele — the wifefmother: Blaming, with a ‘Carol the daughtor (ago 16) superseaconable, with an auditory eepresntational system at Bavler nthe transcript, each of the family members identitied the name of wha: he/she wanted for himslt/ Ihre (thr nominations) a follows By Complex Equivalence Henry —Love 22. ‘To be touched {especially by Michele) Michelo— Respect csesse+ To be looked at Carol — Equality ‘To be lstened to (and beloved) Notice inthis portion of the teanseript the way in which the experiences each family member wants (their Com: plex Equivalencer) interac: so completely that, even though the orginal names show litle overlap, they fit together in a tight eyele of calibrated. communication, “Michele: At tht polnt, don’ even care what you dos don’t see what difference it. lt fnger pintin, rice shel) ‘Caro: OK (interreptng) .. 1 Just checkout thenMichele: Gatoruptog and sereaming) Don't you ever ‘um your tuck on me, you. Caro: But you said that You didn’t cate what I id so T (Gurning to Henry)... you hesnd what shes, Aide’ you" Henry: Huy? Michele: Honry. she's doing it again ~ she's not respect: Henry: (moving over to Michelet side and placing bis ‘stm around her wast supportvey) ... Well, per- ‘nape Foul Michele: Gaterupting Henry) God, Henry, don paw ‘me ~ Tim terlous about this chilis disobedience and Tack of reepect. Henry: (ice low and shaky, eyes molt and downesst) 1 was jst tying to... ob, forge (tuning away). Michele: Ob, Ged, not vou, to! (Carol: 1s 50 tidieulous — Mom, I think 11 split, OK? Michel’... coulda’ cate less what you do now. Carol: OK, goodbye!! ‘Michele: (seresming) Young lady, if Tv told you once Te told you a thoussed times... Henry, why don't you ever do anything about the? rol: Bu, you sid Henrys (overlapping with Carol Huh? Notice how the soemingly diverse names of what each family member wants (nominazations) actually inter ct: Carol want equality — desribed as an experience, {his means that she wants tobe listened to as trou 5 she lstens t> other family members, Michele. wants respect to her, this means tht the other family men bets should (ook at her when she Is doing something ‘which involves them. Michel» begins by saying Cn ‘rordt) that she doesn’ care what Carol does. Carol, With hor model of the worl (auditory), takes Michele's vrords sesously and turns aay, ignoring the Incon- vent meager {rom ler mother's body movements and voice tonality. Michole then explodes, as, he turning away i equivalent to falling to show respect Carol soeke support trom Henry, asking him to verity what Michele has said. Henry, given his kinesthetic ‘eprewntational system, has mised nuances of the ex: change, which required visual and auditory representa tion for full understanding. When Michele demands that Henry respond to her, he does so in the way whieh is most appropriata for hie model of the word: He moves to Michele's side and touches her. She, however, wants his visual attention and fall to recognize the kines thetic contact by Henry as a caring response. Henry row fels rejected and shows this by turning away, un loved, Ths, of course, i a signal to Michele that he doesn't “respect” her, Carol now asks Michele for per Imstlon to leave. Michele reronde to Carol incongr ently... and the eyele begins again. This example shows the way in which vory differetsounding words (ominaietions) can be clossy connected — so cosy, in fact, that they form what we call eallbrated com: unieationevce "The remainder of this book presents some of the choices for effective, creative intervention by the the. it in such calbrated communication eye.FEEDBACK COMMUNICATION CYCLE We now briefly describe the way in which the tve resent are different from calibrated communication even, (1) Communication (commanicaton: Inthe case In which the communicator i congruent ~all of the mesages match ~ there is no difficulty the communicator is unified in his expreasion. In the cate ln which the communicator i incon: suent, he isin contact with his ongoing experi fence ao that he himself will detect the incongrueney in his communication, This allows him many choles (2) Bzperience teecive): Ifthe communicator is congruent in hie expresion, 20 ditialy tiie, If the communiator la incongruent, the recive, if aware of the incongruoney, has the ‘eedom to gracefully call the communicators tention tothe incongrueney, and, if aed the ier ean then citer addtional feedback to the communlestor 10 ati him in integrating the conflicting messages and the models trom ‘wai they aise. For example, when faced with 1 penion whose head ie slowly shaking from Side to sido, while he sats that he relly docs ‘mrt to wath the dhe, the receiver may fwtly comment: “L heard you aay you want to do the dishes, and, at the same time, Leaw your ® Ihead shaking slowly fom side to side. I'm ‘wondering if you ean help me make sense out of this for mysell.” The important point het ie ‘thatthe recetver Eat the freedom to cominent fand the incongrent communicator hat the ‘recom to accept the comment without feeling stacked, without his elton being hres ned, These ate the ewentil ingredients of ‘communication with feedback, 1 the eate in which the receiver initially ‘unaware ofthe incongruity in the orignal et of messes, he may only notice a vague une ress which marks the discrepancy between the ‘meaning of the messages received at the con scious level of awaroness and the meaning of the mosses reeied at the unconscious lve In thie az, he has the freedom to mention that, te fals uneasy and to explore the souroe of his uneatinest with the communicator. This re ‘ates thatthe receiver havea sensitivity to his ‘own ongoing expeience at well at the ability to explore bis ealinge of uneasiness without his selt-estoom's beconing involved. Conelush ve): When the messages ‘which the receiver accepts are congruent, he has to dllficuty in understanding the mesning of ‘that the comminiator intends, When the communicator presente incongruent messages, vhether oF not the receiver has ongenized the conflicting message so that he i awave that they do not fit, he wil rach a conclusion that,® something about the communication didn't ‘work for him. This will either oeeurin there cei’ awareness, snd he then will have the conclusions he has reached! from the confiting rmossages and, possibly, even lator specific feedback (for example, that the communicatr’s body posture did not Gt the tono of voie he used) ashe explores the spect es ofthe incongruity with the communicator. If the teeiver has not been aware of the patiular conflicting messages (Le., when he hat ote laed his experince ao that he is only awate of the mesiages which fit together, the confiting rmesges having boen ected and accepted at the unconscious level), be wil, typically, esch the eopeluson that he is confure When the cnve ie sensitive this own experience and ee onic his confusion, hei fee to comment on Wt and has the choice of requesting the sis nee of the communicator in resolving it. What ' particularly Important here ie tht the receiver snd the communicator both have the choice of exploring thelr communiation without their saltectoom’s being threatened — without the ex change’ becoming a survival iss — using the oceaton, instead, as an opportunity for growth the corte 2): What distinguishes his step in a feedback communication cycle from the way generalizations are made by the in & colibated communication cycle is that, when the incongruent messages are re- ceived by the recelver and they trigger come ex: his ongoing experience to immediately become aware that he is only partially presnt in the fmteraction — part of his attention has sited to some othor time, placo and experience. This allows him the choice of continuing with the cominnieaton, reecusing his attention with the understanding that there i something un- finshed connected with the particular pattern of ineongrasney preened by the communletor, He understends that some of hs experience at ‘that point in time & coming from somewhere ‘ke He may, of'eouse, comment tothe commt: riestor on what is secusing, and he has the ‘redom f0 request feedback help hm resolve ‘the wnfinihed pattem om the past which is resntly distracting him, ‘One way in whith the feedback evel ders from the eabrated syle is that, whenever the reesiver jx confused or aware that » previous ‘occurence Is Intruling and distracting him from freshly experiencing the present, he i= rediately attends to that sensory experience to discover what iz happening. By being able to Innmeditely establish sensory contact with his rest situation and, especialy, with the com: rmunestor, he ean we his experience of contu- sion or ditrction & lear more about himself snd the peron with vhom he is communicating.© "Ths allows him to detect any patterns which ace datrting hi experience by asepting apart ‘of a mesage for the entre communication (Complex Pqulvalencs) and patterns ot "ko w- ing” the inner expevience of the communleator without checking i for accuracy with the com Imunicator (Mind Reading). Thus, the general jaaions which the receiver in feedback cycle makes and uses ate flexible guddes for under- sanding. which are constantly being updated land checked aalnst sensory experience Response Behavior (eecsiven: If the com- ‘muniestor began this eyele with an incongruent ‘communication then either the receiver has de- teced the conflicting messager in awareness and has begun to explore this withthe comms- itor, using feedback, or he has detected a Gers of contusion and has begun to explore this If neither of these have occured, the, typically, the receivers response behavior wil reflect the incongrusney ~ Yat I, the receiver mss wil present tho original communicator wih an incongruent set of messages. If both ‘he orginal communieator and the orginal r- fever have the fredom to cominent on and ex: plore any confusion or incongruity without the inlerchange’s becoming an issue of survival, thon, before long, one ofthe other ofthe people lnvalvad, ae they shift from communicator to recviner, wil detect miscommunication patterns fn begin to explore tis opportunity to learn, One way to clay the usefulness ofthese two sp: cifle kinds of communication eycles (calibrated and Teedback) i to understand Uat the therapat's tak i to eset the family members in changing their patterns of communication fom eaibeated loops 0 foedbeck cycles, (See page 118.) Another way to use this model ie for the therapist to check lis own communication pat ters with the family members to prevent himself from being incorporated into their destructive pattems of communication. These specitic choices of otfective inter- ention by the therapist are the focus of the reminder of Pat I. Wo offor the fvestep communication model for your use in undentandiag the way ia which all of the specie intervention techriques fi together We move on now to present in more detail the inter- lon cholees avalable to therapists, based on thls ‘commenication model ‘The most general level of pattering in our model for family therapy has three pases: 1, Gathering Information 1, Transtorming the System ML Consolidating Changce 1. GATHERING INFORMATION 1m the first phase of ‘amily therapy, the therapist works with family membes to gather information which will help him co create an intial experience with them (Phase Il) which can then serve as a model for thom in thee future growth and change. The question"THERAPIST'S INTERVENTION Family Family Inrnanency || coneueney {tom whole(Complex ab (contig “S| (eee ee a tae etn ns ostcomer| = fontcones Taerpopett cate pop, invert for srspaem| pect croseo sysrem | | ope sysrewt hich the thorapst must face is: Which introductory ‘experience will best serve at thir model for the family? ‘One of the major purposes of the therapist's actions dung this phase Is 10 determine exactly which exper- fence he wil, in fact, intially use as a model. We call this set of actions by the therapist determining the de- sited sate, Bxsentilly, the desired state Tr» description ‘of one condition of living for the family which would fatiaty the desves of the individual family, members In other words, one of the ways by which the therapist ‘organizes his ectvtes during this phase is to ck out the information which identifies for him the way the family members themselves went the family experionce of ivng tobe In the process of determining thi desired state for ‘the family, the theraplet is litaning and watching, ex: periencing the family fully as they begin to make known, their hopes and fears about themicies at individuals and about the family as @ whole. This identifies the Second category of information that the therapist i seeking: information regarding the present state of the family. In order to set effectively in Phaze I, the ther apis needs to know not only what the family wants ~ ‘which we will call the desl state ~ but alzo wh resources the family has precenty developed, We emphasize that what we are calling the present state and the desired stete me. nominalizations, ‘Thee “ominalizations aro useful only Co the extent that the therapist and the family members understand that the present sate is actually not a state but « process ~ the ongoing interaction and. communication. Furthermore, the desired state — the experiance which the familymembers and the theraplst will ereato in Phase I~ it fetually the fest stop in the process of opening up the family sytem t0 the posites of growth and change. essed state entified by members of the family with the thrapia's hel, no. matter how different are the families themselves, is always a state is which all fam ily members come fo behave more congruently than they do in their present situation. Agen, for us, congruency 1&4 process — the ongoing process of learning and ‘Which of the patterns of coping which the family and its members present to the therapist can best serve {resources to efete an environment for growth and Change — whether or not the family. members rgurd these proces palerbs ae recources in the beginning? To, create an elective model experience, the therapist needs to understard both the deection of, working "The third characteristic of creative, effective family ‘therapy occuts daring this phase when tho therapist working with the family members to prepare them to “acticsly_pariepate in creating. the model experience. "The act of patteipating in originating this experienc vill raqute thatthe family members act im ways which the diferent fom the ones they have been using in the pst. ln othve words, they willbe taking risks. There are ‘several spect ways in which the therapist can system aly ami the family members in making these rev sons, First, the therapist works to bud up the tamily Imembets tst in him as an agent of change, The ther spit acts a a model of coxgruency by communie ie ‘ongruontly himself ~ all of Use mesages which he pre- ents must atch. The way in which he moves must Which he ates, which match -... In addition, the ther- pit must be alert to identity each family ‘member's ost uted representational sjstem. When he has deter: ‘mined thie, he cin increase tke confidence of ach family member in him by shifting ts own process words (pred- Jeates) to the represntatioml system of the person to vrhom be ie speaking. Even more etfetive than simply hitting hie process words (predicates) to thove of the family member with whom he is communicating, is for the highly skied tamily therapist to vary the emphasis which he places on the types of communication systems which ho slets to use with «particule fanlly member For example, with a family member whose most used represntational eystam is visual, the deft therapist, wil communicate by using his body, hand and arm movements — any set of signals which the family mem- ber can see. With a family momber whose primary sys tem is nettle, the therapist will make frequent phys ieal contact, touching to communicate or emphasize Certain points he wants to be sure the family member understands. The therapist S05 his skills in communica: tion both to set an example and to make explicit the process of efectie comminietion. So, for example, ‘when a amily member prsents the thorapst with 2 ‘ecbal communication with a deletion which renders it Uunintligble, the therapist requests the missing infor ration rather than halluclnting what it might be, Or, ia family member ie Mind Reading oF communicatingincongruent, the therapist may_gaceflly comment ‘on it — demonstrating both the importance ofthe freedom {0 comment and the equal importance of cles communi: ‘ation to other family members. As he communicates, the therapist leaves space for the family members to re spond, using polite commands. (contersctional post: lates) and gabbedded questions. He shows that he ‘values the family members’ abilities to understand and Darticipate in the ongoing process by inviting them to comment on exchanges between himelt and another family member. BY there techniques, he makes individ tal contact wih esch family member to develop thet confidence in the therapist's skill as a communicttor and 2s. an agent of change. ‘The sacond major way In which the thrapst sete 0 help the family members prepare for change ie to share with the family member the information which he as gatherd, smoothly” using his communication kis to do this. Typically, the family members begin with a statomoat of what they want for themaelies and theie family; this statement invaslably includes «nom Inalzation. As the therapist gathers information, he is enominaizing: that i, he ls turing the represent tion of an event into s process, One ofthe things which Ippen as he does this, and shates the information vith the family members, is thatthe way the family got to the place where they are now is sean as series of Seps of a process. By coming to appreciate their own family history as en undemtandsble,stp-by tep proc- 5, the family members can have hopes about there ‘being a next step in the proces which will allow them 0 make the changes which they dei, ‘The therapist does not, of course, attempt 10 insure that exch family rember has the wndertandiag which is his — his task is not to train family therapists, Nether does he keep ‘alevant information from the tay, Rather, sine his shila « communicator, the therapist presents co the family member the Information each needs to understand that change is posible. she shares his in- formation about the process of communication in the tanily, the therapist describes what he experiences — the does not evaluate or make judgments about it. This itinetion between the description of the process and ‘he eoeluetion of other people's behavior jin isl, an immporeant learning too! forthe taily members, ‘Oe of the outcomes ofthe therapist's ill use of representational systems, corgruency and sharing of information with all family mombers, i that the family ‘members come to undertand and trust one another. We find it very rewarding when we are abo, through our ‘communication aki, to help one family member come to fully understand that anothor family member Is not being malicious, or evi, oF extzy when be does not lindersand the fist member's communication, but, rather, that their communieatons are simply not make ing a connection with one another, ar each i paying attention to a difteent par af thee shared experienc, CConteary to what many people expect dtterence i salt can become an opportunty for growth; it contains the seeds of excitement and Interest, and the challenge ‘of now learning when guided in that deetion. Differ. fence ean alo, of course, be wed negatively then, same tae can be made cementing fector. Both sameness fand-ditference are esontn, for they manifest thetniquenes: : arate family member, whatever i common among tose experiences will emerge naterally. In our experiences in family therapy, often the cost divesesounding. word Aeseriptions, once connected with experience, will auto- ‘mally merge for the fanils member Involved, "The therapist can be sare that he hat adequately ‘connected the family memvers” words with experience (Genominalied the family as unit) when the result is 44 set of oxperences (Complex Bauialences) which, Themes, connect. Ax the process continues, if the therspist-notles that there ir litle conection among them, he might ask one of the family members to present (either as «verbal descipticn oF in any representational system, o, pletures, body movement, ete.) an example ‘ofan occasion when he ia to obtain the very thing he Gesied. Ax one of the family members does this, the therapist might then ask the others how the description for action being peetnted it connected with what they want (their deominaiztions). In our experience, ths has never falled to produce an ovedap inthe experiences (Complex Equivalences) which tho different family men bem want. ‘The outcome of the process of making clear what each family member want ir that the therapist and the fanlly both come to undestand whet the esontial in- rodents are of an experience which Uhey will cooper atively build at = part of Phase IT of the family therapy sesion. The set of overlpping experiences (Complexquivalonces) which result from connecting words with ‘experience (denominalizaton) suggest the structure to be used for Plase IL Before the therapist and the tam ily can begin effectively to construct this experien fone other class of information is necestary, Having & ‘map of San Francisco isa valuable ast if you intend to vist and explow that city however, the map i of litle se unless you also know where you presently ate in re lution to Sin Francisco. Your map will be usefl to you ‘only if you ean get to San Francisco from where you are ‘ow. The therapist's major tas isto ass the family in ‘moving from where they presently are to. where they want to he. The other category of information necesary for the Uherapit is the present resources and current patterns of coring which now exist within the tamiy Detormining the Present State (hat i Carrnty Going On) |As the therapist omploys the vious ways of com necting languago with experience and, atthe same tine, gathers the information necessary to understand ‘the desired state of tho family, he is engaged in the on- sping process of communicating with, observing and listening to the Interaction of the various faly mem: bets. Thus, wile the focus of the content of Phase 1 |e the desired sate for the family, the process the pattems of conmunleation which are avilable within Ye family In ks present state, Every verbal and non- verbal message of each family member and the verbal and non-verbal responses which those communications bring from the other family. member constitute the Process of coming to understand the family's * ‘The amount of commurication which occurs in & amity thrpy sean te evormout ~ Ht, actul, tock more tun ened fy th herp t Steric the prem ste ef the fay pst, WR ein mind we hae laed what we conde some ofthe fore fonate and dine etre of ams Ihection by bling thn, we sre entyng one ser tor thre torn Sh experience Inf ly therapy so that: (a) They will not be overwhelmed by the complex: ity ofthe skustion; and () ‘They will detect the processes which wil allow them to sulfclenty understand the present slate of the family aystem so that they may fectively create, wih the famlly members, the experience in Phase I "This is soapy a way of saving that inthis phase, we sxe offering model for family therapy which has been fective and wsafl in our experince; as with all models, {ti neither exhaustive nor unaue "The fist of theue larger patterns isthe calibrated communication cycles whies already exist within the family. ‘Typeily, the calitetod loops which we en counter are alteady a0 established in the family process that the family members eezurd thom as an unalterable part of their expesence, Often, the very learning that these cycles can be changed is, perhaps, the most power: fal information which we, a therapists, can provide forthe family members. Our feaing is that, by understand ing the underlying process by which these cyeles of pain and miscommunication are created, we, as family ther- shout the way in whieh ‘we asst tanes both to overcome those loops already Dretont in thei system and to a¥old forming new ones Inthe futue, The general patiom of the process by pits, can Fave more choi Which calibisted communication loops are formed ja {ally systems canbe represntod as: Cea Compies Hauaence— Min Rte) —— We discus each of these steps in turn. The process most typially borne when some perion in the family com: ‘muneatesincongruenty; for example: Milved: «1 just wanted to ep you out oie tone Inu, fot spread apt, standing, lett arm extended with index finger pointing, shoulders hunched and tensed, breathing shallow, right hand balled into @ fst paced on ight hi In the example given, che messages carted by the body posture and movements and the voice tonality match with each other but ot with the words and ayntex of the verbal communication — a clastic case of incon: muity. When faced with a communiation such a this, the person (receiver) typlally reeponds by deciding (step 2 in the proces) whether he will respond to the verbal message or th anlogw messages. George: (reducing bis breathing, extending hie hands toward Mildred, palms surned up, whining tonality) Vm sory, Mildred, !don"t understand "The other person in this fly system decides to respond tothe analogue portion of Nildred’s incongruent commu: rlction. In this ease, the decision isto pve priority to the anslogue messages serving 2eimavly through the visual ‘channel athe than the auditary (verbal channel. Now the process of generalization occurs; in this transcript, the pemon (George) becomes aware that he fels ba, and this 1s associated (consciously or not) with an entire set of sexporionces from the past, when Mildred has boon angry with him and he bas fle be. Therapit: ... George, what axe you aware of right now? George: Well, my stomachs tight ~ fel right bad. (arn 3 Mldeed) Mildred. honey, I know that you are snery and ‘The next step in the creation of s ealibrted communica: tion loop lathe Complex Equivalence. The snalogue signals for messiges which George k ttending to are accepted Deng equivalent to tho inner state labeled “anger” in idee. The process is completed with the next stp, a George accepts the generalisation of the Complex Eq ence itself ~ that is anytime inthe future that Georgedetects the szslogue messages described above trom Mice, he wil “know tht she i angry. When this loop has boon run often enough, the nataber of analogue cues hich George sill need to fire off this Complex Bau lence will be duced. For example, we have encountered css of callbraed communication in which the shrug of 8 shoulder, the change ofa breathing patter, or the hit ‘of weight from one leg to another are messages sufficient 10 initlate a Complex Eauivalence, with the accompanying Mind Reading and a calibrated toop, In each of these cass, the person doing the Mind Reading wat wholly un fare of the observable portion of the Complex Equlv lence ~ that i, the cue of signal which “gave” him the Information wat totaly outside of hie consciousness, 2) Another eect way of gathering information sufi lent to understand the preset state ofthe family system is to use a led the nominaliations which the tery members claim they want for themselves inthe desired slate, When a family member ieatifies the nomination he wants for himself, he i, in effect, tating tate not ‘atitod with what he is prezntly geting fom the family in rogrd to the nominalization. Thus, as the therapist employs his skils to denominalze the farlly members nominalizations into some set of Complex Eauivalences Which wil idertity actual, obserable bebavior, he ean ve the family member iv (verbally or by ating out) en ‘example of how what happens in his or her present expet- fences in the fay stops him from getting what he wants Almost inataby, in our experience, the family member presents a caso of calibrated communication which is at the center of mich pain and dsstistaction in the family "The two strategies which wo have jst presented for nthering information necesary to understand the present fata ‘f the family system have in common the fact that they identity the patterns of calibrated communication, In our work, we have found tht the therapist has infor imation suffisient to undertanc the present stato of the family eystom when he has identified the major ways in bic the family members communicate in a calibrated fashion ~ the places in the family communieation pattons In which there is Utle oF no ‘eedback, The set of ca brated loops in family system is che set of rules for that system which the therapist nes to know about to under Hand the way in which the fay i fling to cope, Rales fr calibrated communication lps are what researchers in cybernetic called homeostatic mechanisms. Home: ‘static mechan ae the processes by which » system, ‘whether i sa slmple system, sich a: one for tempertare control, of a complex system such as that of a family, ‘maintains itself inthe same patterns of functioning and be havior. To change apstm, ie nacesary to chango the homecitatie processes; that ig, when the therapist In a family therapy sesion hak identiied the ealibrated com smutiestion loops oF rule, he has sufcint infrmstion out the present stato ofthe system to effectively bexin the process of erating with the family members the ex Detence’ which they have idefted a2 an example of the desved state for them, Summary ‘There are three major parts of Phase 1 of family therapy, Gathering Information. These ae:1. Preparation of family members for cresting an experience which wil serve ass model for their ture behavior; 2, Deermining the dead state for the family 3, Dearmining the present state of the family ‘The thoapat can effectively accomplbh the fst of these by working t0 create confidence and trust in im in the family members and by sharing the information he gathers, specially making sare that exch of the family members comes to appetlate the proces by which they have come to the situation in which they now fnd themselves and, thus, alowieg them to understand that the change they ‘wil make is simply the next step in an ongoing proces cover which they ean leu to exorcise control, The main teste of the second pat, that of determining the deseed sate forthe family isthe connecting of words with speci fic experience (de-nominalization of the omizaizations) ‘which esc of the family members brings to the session as hls noe of bope for himself and his amily. "he third pat ‘i achieved when the therapist has identified the calibrated ‘commanieaton loops which prevent the family from get: ting what they want for themselves, The therapist and the family members wil havea clear direction, once they have determined he prownt and future states of the family ‘system, This Information, plas the family members rednss to accept sk, signals to tho therapist thatthe first phase compete and he may begin to create the Chnsng wth Poin 121 pet acts as s model of congreeney by communicating congruently himself ~ ll of the messages which he pre sents must match. The way in which he moves must ‘atch the round of hie voice, which matches the words ‘which he uses, which match»... In addition, the ther- spit must be alert to ldeatty each family member's ‘ost used representational system. When he hat deter ‘mined this, he can increase te confidence of each family iomber in him by sifting sis own process words (pret testes) to the representational system of the parson to whom he i speaking. Even more effective than simply shitting his process words (predicates) to those of the family member with whom he i communicating, i for ‘the highly shied family chorapst to vary the emphasis hich he places on the types of communication systems sthich he selets to uso witha particular family member. For example, with + family member whose most used representational eystem is viral, the deft thorpit will communicate by using his body, hand and arm ‘movements — any set of signals which the family mem: ber can ee, With 4 fanlly member whose primary sy6- ‘tem i Kiestheti, the Uerapist il make frequent phys- Jeal contact, touching to communicate or emphasize certain points he wants to be eure the family member tndrstands. ‘The therapist ates his sls in communica: tion both to set an example and to make explicit the process of effective communication. So, for example, ‘when a family member presents the therapist with a verbal communication with a deletion which render i Anintligible, the therapist requets the missing infor tation rather than hallucinating what it might be. Or, if a family member is Mind Reading oF communicatingIncongrucntly, the therapist may gracefully comment ‘on it~ demonstrating Both the importance of the freedom to comment ard the equal importance of clear communi tation to other family members. As he communicates, he cherapist leaves space for the amy members to re- spond, using polite commande (conversational poste lates) and embedded questions. He shows that be ‘values the family members’ abilities to understand and participate in che ongoing process by inviting them to comment on exchanges between himself and another {amily member. By these techniques, he makes indivi tal contact wid each family member to develop the confidence in the therapist's skill as » commonistor and asan agent of change "Tho secon! major way in which the therapist acts to help tho family members prepare for change i to share with the family. member the information which Ihe has gathered, smoothly using his communication skills to do this! Typiealy, the family members betin with 4 statement of what they want for themselves and their family; tis statement invariably includes a nom- Inalzation. As the therapist gathers information, he bs donominalizing. that is, he i turning the represents ‘lon of an event into a process One of the things which happen as he does this, and sharee the information with the family members, is thatthe way the family got to the place were thoy are nov i seen asa serie of Steps of 2 prowes. By coming to appreciate their own family history as an undorsandable, top by-sep proc fs, the family members ean have hoper about there being a next step in the proces which will allow thom to make the changes which they dese, ‘The therapist does not, of courte, attempt to insure that each family member has the understanding whichis his — his tak le not to trsn family Uherapte, Neither doss he keep relevant information from txe fanlv, Rather, sing ‘is hills az + communicator, the therapist presnts to the family members the Information each needs. to understand Ut change is possible, As he shares his in formation sbout the process of communication in the family, the therapist describes what he experiences — hhe does not evaluate ot make judgments about i. This tinction batweon the desertion of the process and the watuation of other peopl’ behavior i, in ist, an important learning too! forthe family member. ‘One ofthe outcomes of the therapist's kif use of representational ystems, coxgruency and shaving of Information with all family membor, is thatthe family members come to understand and trust one another. We find it vory rewarding when we are able, though our ‘communiation sil, to help one family member come to fully understand that another family member Is not bing malicious, or vil, or extzy when he does not understand the fist member's communication, but, rather, chit their communications are simply not mak ing a connection with one another, at each is paying tiention to a diffrent part of thee shared experienc. CConteary to what many people expect dtference it salt can become an opporturity for growth; it contains the seeds of excitement and Interest, and the challenge of new learning when guided in that drcetion. Difer fence can alo, of course, bo ase nopatialy; then, same reat can be made # cementing factor. Both sameness fand.itteence are ecsontisl, for they manifest theuniqueness cf each human being. Much of the thers: pists tank i to balance these two qualities ad, spi= telly, to ute his skills to help the family members to con- vere the dlfrencos which previously cau Une pain Into an oceusion for learning and growth ‘When the therapist works with the family to help them to understand the proce steps by which they got into their present situation, and teeches thom the di ference betveen descriptive and judgmentel language, the family eften discovers a crippling episode from the bast, usually based on miscommuniation. This on- counter can be used to help ther learn that any human ‘experience om the past can be uncorered, understood and utilized, "The resilt of the procemes of developing each fam- lly member trust in the therapist at an agent of change and the therpis’s sharing of the information with the faniy i that the family member become wil ing to take risks, to venture into unknown tereitory, and to: attempt 10 build now bridges within the family. By carefully preparing the family members during Phase 1, the therapist i able to engage the hopes, eneray and creative parelpation of the family members in devel: ‘oping an experience which wll serve as @ model for ‘ei thele future growth Determining the Dest State ‘The presence of a family in x therapy sesion i & statement by that family that their present state — their present ways of coping, communleating and intr Acting — fs onestitactory to thom. It it statement ‘hat the family recognizes, at some Tov that there is 2 Aiscrepancy between what tsi present experience a3 family is and what they want for themselves. The typ- teal cme in our expesenee ia the one charactetaed by ‘he family atving for tho hnitol therapy session, each rember having some idea of what it la that he wants to ‘hangs. ‘The initial focus of the therapist is to find out what those changes are. The simplest, and a vory effec tive, way of doing this i fr the therapist to introduce himself to each of the family members and to ask them ‘what iti special, that they want for themaclves as {ndividualt and for thoi fay. This process is model presented to the family to asiet them in learning to ‘ake meaning congruently. The therapist understands that while the content — the specie hopes of this par Heular family — is important, the way he secures this information, the powertul process of communication, I taking place at the unconsous level with himsel a= the model het do you want for yourself and your family? {In what way, specially, would you like you and your famiy to change? What ere you hopmag for, for yourelf and for your fomily, i heropy? 1 you could mae yourself and your fare ferent in som® way, what would that be? 6 I were to give you a magic wand, how would ‘you use it? ‘Any of these questions wil start the process of deter ‘ining the desized state for the family. As the family members begin to respond to the therapist's questions,thoy will txpbelly, preset their ides about what they want for themselves and their faily in the form of « nominalization. For example, many families with whom we have worked site that they want more love, suppor. ‘comfort, respect, ete Bach ofthese word ean etent rep resentation of 2 process, with most of the pieces of the process missing. The family members, sometimes, will hogin by stating what they don’t want. Using the ln fstic pattern prosonted in Part I, the theriist works with the individual family members to secure postive statements of what they want — statements completely scknowleiged by them of what each wants for hist As we polated out in theft par of this book, nom- Inaizations imolve the languare processes of deletion, lack of referential indies, and unspecified verbs. For + family member simply to sy that he or she wants more love leaves out much necosary information — whom ‘does this person want to love or to beloved by, and how, specifically, does thie person want the other person (or people) to love him (or her? By systematically entity. ing and chllesging the deletions, lck of referential in ices, unspocited verbs and nominaliations, the ther pit gathers the information he neds to understand what the family members want During ths phase of family therapy, the therapist |& making use of his sills as a communiator to com: rect the words the family members uso with what they ‘want. The themplst hat connected the fatlly members’ words with thr experience (has adequately denomin- alized their spsech) when he understanding i epeite enough that he knows what observable behavior would Indicate for tht person what he really wants — when the would be able to act out some sequence of behavior with the family member whica would be recognized as ‘an example of what that individual desires. "Twn ganeral wave of proceeding to adequately con rect nnguage and experience (denominalzation) are (e) Bmploy the ingot distinetions of deletion, luck of referential indices, unspecified vorbs, nominslications nd model operators; () Have the family mowers at outa sequence of behavior which can example of what they wan "Thete two general ways of starting the process of de nominalizaion at, In our experience, more closely con rected than the two calefores would suggest. More spe Citcaliy, when & family member Is describing verbally Uvhat he wants or what ops him from geting what be rants, almost invariably both that person and the othe family members will be acting out before your very eyes the thing being derribed. In other words, family mem bers match their cerbal communication with thelr non cerbel behavior, Knowing th, the therapit can accel: ferate tho process of undentanding what the family Imembor wants by being senstve to the non-verbal sig tals which are being snt at these polnts in the therapy Session and then shifting to focus on that proces. For ts, theae two wayt of proceeding to connect language wrth experince are fully Inteqratod. As guide for our ves in this area, wo invent, both for us and for the family members, experinoer which include a6 many of the sensory channels and representational systems aspostble. The action, for us, is a base sumption about what age the most effective conditions for learing and changing. By choosing to act out an experience, rather {han simply to talk about 1 with the funy, he twee lt engages all of the family members channels for ex perience (visu Kinesthetc and auditory). ‘The proves ie complete when the therapist und ands what kind of observable behavior an adequate ‘example of what the family member wants — in other ‘words, the de-nominaliation is complete when the ther pista estiblishod which experionce (Complex Bauir- lence) counts for the family members «s an example of, shat they want. ‘One ofthe major tasks for the therapist in Phato Lis complete when he hs succesfully connected language vith experience for each member of the family (de ominalzaien). However, there Is one very important step remaining fo the theapist in this area, as he is at tempting to eather information garding the desved slate for the family as a unit, The denominalization for tach ofthe family members may cerlt ina set of exper fncee (Comflex Equivilness) which are relatively un- related, To stabi, fr the family a6 a unit, « desivod fate which willbe belpful for the therapist to use to fide his benavior in cresting e uniid experience with the family, te works to find some way to coordina the experiences which the family members want for then elves, In other words, he must choose « route to de- Doralnaliation by which the individual experiences (Complex Eulvalences) which they want will ove, fof, at lost, wil connect. Sine the therapist is going t0 tse these Complex Equivalence asthe bass for cresting ‘in experience with the famy in Phase 1, those expes- sneer to which the family members agree will have to fi together. In the process of delicately and gracefully Integrating the dittoroot expevonser wanted by the te: sate family member, whsteer is common among those experiences will emerge naturally. la our experiences in family therapy, often the most diversesounding word Asseriptions, once connected with experience, will auto matically mong fr the family member involved "The therapist can be sue that he hat adequately connected the family members’ words with experiance (denominalized the family a 4 unit) when the result is ‘ast of experiences (Complex Equivalence) which, themsnlves, connect. As the process continues, if the ‘therapist notices that there is tle connection among them, he might sk one of the family members to prosent ther ass yorbal desriptin or in any representational system, ef plete, body movement, ete.) an example ‘of an ocetsion when he fill to obtain the very thing he fdesiced, Ax one of the family members doos this, the ‘therapist might then ask the othors how the desription for action being precented i connected with what they rant (Wher denominalization). in our experienc, this his neve fll to produce an overlap in tho experioncs (Complex Equialences) which the diferent fanlly mem: ers wan ‘The outcome of the process of making clear what ‘ach family member wants that the therapist and the family both come to undestand what the esantial In redents are of an experiaice which they will co-0per- stivly build as a part of Phase II of the family therapy tession, The et of overipping experiences (ComplexEquivalences) vhich result fom connecting words with experience (deominlization) auggest the structure to ‘be used for Phaso I. Before the therapist and the fam: ‘ty can berin stlectvely to construct thie experience, ‘one other class of information is necessary. Having. 4 ‘map of San Frenlco isa rluable ase if you intend to vist and explor that ely; however, che map fof litle tse unless you iso know where you presently ae jn re lation to San Fancico. Your map willbe usefil to you only if you can gt to San Pranciso from where you are fom. The therapist's major task ie to sat the fanly in ‘morlng from where they prosontly are to sehero they want to be. The other catogory of information neceshry for the therapists the present resources and curent pattems of coping which now exist within the family, Determining the Present State (What is Current Going On} ‘As the therapist employs the various ways of con reeting language with experience and, at the same time, gathers the information necesary to. understand ‘he desired state of the family, he i engaged in the on- ving process of communiciting with, observing and listening to the interaction of the various family mem: bers. Thus, while the focus of the content of Phase 1 is the desired sate for the tamiy, the process Is the Datterns of communication which are avilable within the family In is present state. Every verbal and non- verbal messayo of each family member and the verbal and nonverbal responses which those communications bring from the other fanily. members constitute the Process of coming to understand the femily's sent state. "The amount of commusistion which occurs In a family therapy seison is enormous ~ it is, actully, ich mote than ie needed forthe therapist to determine the present state of che family sytem. With this in rind, we have ieolated wha! we consdor some of the ‘more Informative and distinctive features of family Interaction; by lsolating them, we are identifying one ‘way for therapits to organize their experince in fam iy thrapy 20 hat: (4) ‘They will not be overwhelmed by the complex ity of the situation; and (0) "They will detect th process which wil allow them to sutficienly understand the peesent sate ofthe family system so tht they may fectvely erste, with the family members, the experince in Phase I ‘Ths is simply a way of saing that in this phase, we ae offering « model for family theepy which has been tffective and useful in our experience; st with ll models, ite nether exhaustive nor ungue "The fit of Use Lago patterns is the callrated ‘communiestion cycle hich aleeady exist within the family. Typiesly, the calibrated loops which we en: counter are already 30 eatablished in tho family proces at the family members regard thom at an unstersble past of thelr experince. Citen, the very learning that thees cycles can be changed is, perhaps, the most power fal information which we, «8 therpits, can provide Corthe family members. Our fesing is that, by understand ing the undelying process by which these eyees of pain tnd miscommunication are crested, we, at family the. ‘we seis families both to overcome those loops already present in thle system and to avoid forming new ones in the future, The general pattern of the process by which calzated communication loops are formed in family syste ca be represented as ncongieny— deion— gration Conan (Complex Egualence- Mind Reading) We discuss cach of these stops in turn. The process most tpeally bet when rome perion in the family com: munieste incongrucnty; fr example: ‘Mildred: ... just wanted to help you out. (Yoice tone hart, fot spread apart tanding, left arm extended with Index finger pointing, shoulders hunched and ened, brething shallow, right hand balled into a St placed om ght hi, In the example given, the messages carrod by the body posture and movements and che voice tonality: match With each other but not with the words and syntax of the verbal communication — 4 clam case of incon- sity. Wher faced with « commusieation ach as this, the person (receiver) typially responds by deciding (etep 2 in the process) whither he will respond to the ‘eal message or the anaogto messigs. George: (reducing his breathing, extending bis hands toward Mildred, palms turned up, whining tonality) 'm sore, Mildred, Idon't understand. ‘The other person in this fanily systom decides to respond to the analogue portion of Milred's incongruent commu: ication, In this cae, the derision i to give priority tothe snalogue messages arving primarily through the visual channel rather than the auditory (eel) channel. Now the process of generalization occurs in this tranecript, the ‘person (George) becomes ava that he foes bad, and this fi aiociated (consciously or not) with an entice sat of experiences from the past, when Mildred has been angry ‘with him and he has fle ba Therapist: George, what aro you aware of right now? George: Wel, my stomach's ight —1 fel ght ad. (turn ing to Mildred) Mildred, hones, I know that you ate angry and "The next step inthe ereuticn of calibrated communice tion loop isthe Complex Equivalence. The analogue sgoale for messages which George is attending to are accepted as being equivalent to the immer state labeled “anger” in Mildred. The process is completed withthe next step, as George accepts the generalization of the Complex Equi lence fiat — that &, anytime in the future that Georgedetects the analogue messages described above from ‘Mildred, he will “now” that she is angry When this lop has boon run often enough, the numberof analogue cues Uthich George sill need to fire off this Complex Ravi lence willbe reduced. For example, we have encountered ass of calibrated communiation in which the shrug of 4 shoulder, the change of breathing peter, or the shift ‘of weight fiom one leg to another are messages sfficient {o initiate a Complex Equivalence, withthe accompanying Mind Reading and a callbrated loop. In each of these cases, the person doing the Mind Reading wat wholly un wate of the observable portion of the Complex Equi lence ~ that i, the cue or signal which “gave” him the Information war totaly outside of his consciousness, ‘Another effective way of gathering information sti cient to understand the present stat ofthe family system Js to use as leds tho nominalizations which the famly rmombers claim they want for themselves in the desired state. When a family member identifies the nomination he wants for himself, he i, in effet, tating tat he not sstsfied with wiat he & presently getting trom the family in regard to ths nominalization. Thus, as the therapist employs his skils to denominalze the family members nominalzations Into some set of Complex Bauivalences hich wil identity actual, obserable behavior, he can have the family member give (verbally o by aeting out) an ‘example of how what happens in his or he present expe fences in the fay stops Mm trom getting what he wants Almost invariaby, in our experience, the family member resents a ease of calibrated communication which is at the center of muuch pain and dsstistaction in the family ‘The two strategies which we have jst presented for athering information necessary to understand tho present Hate of the family system har jn common the fat that they identity the pattern of sallbeated communistion. In our work, we have found thatthe therapist has infor: ration sufficient to understand the present state of the Family apstmn when he ha identified the melor ways in ‘which the family members communicate in a calibrated ‘sion ~ he places inthe family communication patterns in which there i lit oF no feedback. The set of eali- brated loops in family syster isthe set of rules for that system which the therapist needs to know about to under stand the way in which the lly is failing to cope, Rules for calibrated communication loops are what researchers in cybernetics called omeodatic mechonioms. Home fortatic mechanisms are the process by which a system, whether i is» simple system, ach as one for temperature ontzol, oF a complex system sich as that of a family, ‘maintaing its inthe same pators of functioning and be havior, To change # system, its necessary to change the homeostatic process; that i when the therapist in a family therapy sasion has Hntifed the calibrated com: ‘munieation loops or rile, he has sufficient information out the present state ofthe system to effectively begin the process of creating with the family members the ex petencs’ which they have deified as an example of the Aesred state for them. Summary ‘There ae three major parts of Phase I of family ‘therapy, Gathering Information, These a: