Ice House

Compiled and edited by Annika Berry 2013

for Carol

The Cabin
I want to first go back back to my childhood back when we lived at the Ice House my parents bought a cabin in the San Bernardino mountains north of Chino, located in a valley called Ice House Canyon it was a wild place once in a while wild fires swept through there and floods my grandfather built the cabin under a pile of rocks that go clear up a mountain side I dont know why he picked that spot it was a one room shack really a shack there was an outhouse we had to haul our water up from the creek no electricity, we had nothing just kerosene lamps flashlights both my parents they seemed calmer more content when we were up there those were pretty good times when we were up there I remember being by the fish ponds and watching the trout

Carols Mother
climbing over rocks, watching out for rattlesnakes we always had to watch out for rattlesnakes the cabin burnt down sometime later Ive been back once probably ten years ago just a brief visit with Bob and Becky and my brother where the cabin burnt down theres a big rectangle of grass just solid grass I didnt know much about her childhood she clammed up and wouldnt talk about it my mom had a hard time sharing feelings she would make clothes for me I didnt feel unloved so thats important I didnt feel unloved but she felt emotionally distant theres somethings my mom didnt get upset about like when I broke my glasses Ive been wearing glasses since I was eight there are things she didnt get upset about I remember wanting to ask her all sorts of questions my dad didnt like us to talk to other people about our family typical of drinkers both of them became drinkers that was later I wanted to know how to approach boys little stuff she was distant and I had a lot of questions I had to figure it all out on my own

Bones
dad was right and that was it I was a girl, which was a no-no he wanted a boy being artistic was a no-no too because of his sisters they were bright they were intelligent a lot of them were artists he just didnt want either of us to be like that dads mommy grandmother she grew up in Kansas on a farm her dad left the kids alone after their mother died they got lonely for their mom so they dug up her bones in the yard when my dads mom had kids, all the girls were always fighting they just dispersed everywhere his whole family dispersed! thats what dad grew up in

What Happened
Its an important story Im still working out all that happened a lot of it came from ignorance but it was what they grew up with too Steve was treated better and I was always a little jealous of him Im still working that out Ive got to talk to my brother more

Sunday School
I call myself an Ecumenical Freelance Born-Again Christian my parents were non-religious but my mother grew up in the Methodist church she sent us to Sunday School so that they could have peace and quiet on Sunday morning we werent supposed to take it seriously but we did both of us did

Ice House
we lived at a place that we called the Ice House it was a real ice house one time I was seven in front of the ice house I wanted to show off to these boys that were sitting on a little rock fence I stuck my tongue out at my dad he grabbed me put me over his knees lifted my skirt up in front of those boys whopped the daylights out of me that I felt that shame until I dont know maybe ten years ago every time I make a little mistake Id just be overwhelmed with this shame like I was a terrible terrible person

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No Place To Raise Kids

I remember living there my mom often said afterword it was not a place to raise kids she was absolutely right it was down town all kinds of characters all over the place no fence I was four when we moved there my brother was two one time she found us both up on the roof someone had left a ladder she very calmly told us to get down she didnt panic she was like that in the backyard, my dad built a set one swing and one trapeze and one seesaw behind that was my moms victory garden we lived there until I was about seven and a half the Ice House had an impression on me

High School
let me tell you something our school had a C.R.A.P.P.Y. advisory system I saw him only once what he did when I went in was tell me stop dressing so sexy! because I was distracting the boys hed done the same thing to my friend he must have done it to everybody

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Lumberjacks
I was nerdy a little bit I answered questions the teachers all seemed to respond to me so I figured I was smart I went to Stanford as an undergraduate was surrounded by all these debutantes after coming from a culture of upwardly mobile lumberjacks I didnt fit in I applied to nine and got into four medical schools Stanford included I didnt do too badly

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Steve
my brother had a different trajectory he was gifted at building things when he was nine or ten he invented a three-story garage with an elevator these things they might have existed on the east coast or something but wed never heard of them he had this gift my dad couldnt understand that It had a lot to do with my dad misunderstanding since he didnt do as well as I did they thought he was doing no good they dragged him off to Arizona State got a girl pregnant got married all that our family didnt talk much so we didnt talk much Steve lives in California hes taking care of his wife who has Alzheimers hes doing it twenty-four-seven hes done it over a decade hes still doing it he dresses her, does everything

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Listen
the thing about child abuse is that it sets you up to be vulnerable to other abuses

Medical School
they wouldnt help me when I wanted help theyd say they were too busy I didnt know when I had to present in front of the Chief of Internal Medicine they presented me with a case with three charts, this thick! the night before I thought gee, medicines tough I found out later my classmates were told two or three weeks ahead of time

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A Symptom
I finally got a resident who sat down with me and said how do you go about thinking about abdominal pain as a symptom? Id been trying to find that out for months I was too scared to ask I went to the library couldnt find anything in the library I said I dont know he taught me how to think about a symptom the stomach ache, in this case, but it could apply to anything a logical way to think about it! all of a sudden I started to blossom

Alviso
I met Bob on Campus at the student union I was chasing him I liked him so I just started chasing him he didnt even know it! after Bob and I got married we went up to Palo Alto I got a job at an OEO project up there these were poor people who would have to go to the local county hospital then we came along and they could see us that was my most fun time we all got along all working towards the same goal making people healthier

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Carols Patients
one was school-age she came in with a stomach ache the pattern was emotional it was centered on the belly button I talked to the girl without her mom, found out that her older sisters were hanging her from a balcony blindfolding her another one I talked to for over an hour youve got to talk to them when they want to talk her mom would go on rampages with a knife in her hand

Achievements
number one is being a doctor and number one is being married having a baby, too all that ranks as number one the other part is what I told you therapy dealing with the abuse everyone has different ways of dealing with it they can deny it or they can just push it aside but theyve shown in P.E.T. scans and MRIs theyve shown that peoples brains change being able to deal with it takes a lot of time a lot of work

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Family Curse
I had therapists as a result I was able to keep it away from Becky look at this normal baby! and I feel like wow! I kept all that away! I did a lot! I became a doctor! I kept the family curse away from my daughter and my granddaughter! therapy helped me to do that people poopoo therapy but it really can help

Breast Cancer
Becky was thirteen or so I was around fifty I looked down at my breasts one day in February this nipple was going in a different direction thats a clue I went to the oncologist I had one mastectomy it was a form called lobular something it tends to reflect on the other side when they did my mastectomy they did a blind biopsy on this side in the same place and they found it they found a microscopic amount of the same cancer they did the other mastectomy (if I had done a piecemeal Id be lopsided) so it was fine I said just do both of them

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The Results
Ill tell you something when the surgeon was telling me giving me the results I was totally shocked It felt unreal then I felt Gods presence I was going to be okay thats how it worked out I sort of went with that I didnt have to struggle out of seven aunts, two had it and a cousin of mine they all died from it sometimes there are things I have to struggle with but I didnt have to struggle

Doctor
I am very careful to not be my own doctor no Im very careful you can be so biased so easily but I think being a doctor makes me very aware Ive had time in child psych, Ive read a lot of psych stuff so I can evaluate Its made me more objective but I would not be my own doctor Id do small things I know my body if I have a cold I take medicines to keep me from getting asthma sometimes I have to take antibiotics to keep from getting sinusitis but I would not be my own mental health doctor no thats stupid

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