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Holy musical b@tman Act 1 Part 1 Ent. Eddie and Matches Eddie Alright you goon!

Take these here drugs, put em into them there guns, and then hand them out to those gamblin prostitutes ah yeah yeah yeah hah ha Matches I dunno about this, should we really be doing these, illegal activities? In a childrens hospital? For orphans? Eddie why not? Matches word on the streets is five fingered scoletti was running a speakeasy uptown, when he got iced, by the bat. Eddie shut ya chopper matches! There aint no such thing as a bat! Now hurry up! We gots lots more racketeering to do tonight ah yeah yeah yeah hahaha Matches Then its a good thing I brought my racket! Eddie oh matches you make me laugh like nobody else! Now whadya you say we go grab a delicious cold (something bangs, lights dim) Matches What was that? It sounded just like a bat. Eddie damn! What happened to the lights? Matches I cants sees nothing. Its like im blind. Blind as a Ent. Batman Batman

A bat! (fight sounds) Batman fractured jaw, broken ribs, ruptured spleen Eddie Agh matches! Batman shattered tibia. Eddie whats a tibia? (breaks leg) Agh my fucking tibia! Batman Thatll teach you to dabble in crime once. Support your families like the rest of us, be born billionaires. Tear gas! Ext. Batman, Eddie and Matches Ent. Gordon, O Malley O Malley Commissioner Gordon, get a load of this! Two goons hanging upside down from a lamppost! Gordon Oh my! What could have done this?! What do you think Dr. Meridian? Ent. Meridian Meridian In all my years as an animal psychologist I have only encountered one creature to exhibit such behavior; a bat. Ext. Meridian O Malley

Commissioner, those goons we cut down had a note attached to them. Gordon M-m-maybe we should read it! O Malley It says, criminals of Gotham Fear me! And then its signed, Bruce Wayne. But then thats crossed out and its written underneath Batman! (song: Holy Musical B@man) O Malley Commissioner, its happened again! The whole Valtrini mob is hanging outside from a lampost! Ext. Chorus, O Malley Gordon OhPeaches! Im baffled how does a bat become a man? And why does he have such a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or blood?! (Phone rings) This is the Commissioner, you better have some good news. Batman Tonight will be a night of terror! Gordon Well thats terrible news! Ent. Four Gangsters Gangster 1 Yo! Is yous here for the illegal deal or what? Gangster 2 I sure am, you got that money? Gangster 1 Yeah, if you gots the shipment of pirated DVDs Gangster 2

I sure do! Dunno who would want this many copies of Spiderman 3, but hey Boss orders. Gangster 1 Well lets just load them onto the truck (bang) Gangster 3 What was that? Gangster 4 Sounded like a sonic boom, as if something breaking the sound barrier. Something like a bat Gangster 2 Whoa! Look up there in the sky! Its a plane, a high tech plane! Gangster 1 Quick boys, shoot it down with these here vintage tommy guns! (Gangsters make fake gun noises) Batman Hahaha, nice try punks but Im 3 miles above the earths surface. You should be more worried about your patella tendons, Gangster 4 Why should we be worried about our patella tendons? (gunfire) Gangster 3 Oh god, Ill never walk again! Batman Gods not up here, only Batman!

Gordon Alright everybody calm down and Ill take your questions!

Vicky Commissioner Vicky Val here from Channel 7 news Gordon Hi Vicky Vicky My viewers are wondering what were those terrible noises and explosions that rocked Gotham last night Gordon Well that uh that appears to be the work of the Batman. Chorus Batman? Rabble rabble rabble! Gordon Yes it appears he has a plane Vicky A plane! Chorus Ooh! Vicky Well what;re you gonna do about it? Gordon Well nothing, Im not gonna tell batman what to do, hes Batman! (song: Holy musical batman) Vicky Another Mob boss brought to justice today by the batman, but as his crime fighting career continues, we ask, who is the man behind the mask? Ext.Street.Day Pizza 1 Hey we got another pizza to deliver, and get this, its for the batman! Pizza 2 Oh wow! Where we headed?

Pizza 1 Uh Wayne Manor. Pizza 2 Huh I wonder if that Bruce Wayne knows Batman lives under his house Pizza 1 He probably does god bless him, and god bless batman! (Song: Holy Musical Batman) Vicky Vicky Val from Channel 7 news and Im sitting down here with Police commissioner Gordon. Now Commissioner, a lot of people are saying that the Batman is doing your job. So I gotta ask, do the GPD and the caped crusader work together? Gordon Wel Batman sent me this message and wants me to read it on the air if you dont mind! Vicky Please! Gordon Dear people of Gotham Batman Your police force is inept and useless. Your elected officials are as useless as they are stupid, and your judicial system is nothing more than an elaborate hoax run by the fat cat crooks it was created to destroy. But none of that matters because Im not fighting for the cops, city hall or even you! Im fighting for me, this is my war, I am vengeance, I am the night, so STAY OUT OF MY WAY! Gordon Love batman. Batman Love Batman. Chorus Wow hes so dark!

Hes so angsty! And I wouldnt want him any other way! (Song: Holy Musical Batman) (during song) Vicky Batman strikes again, Defeating his arch nemesis, the joker. After his last battle with the caped crusader, the joker was last seen falling from the greater Gotham Bridge. This just in! Jokers body has been found at the Gotham Pier. He is dead. Ext.City Hall.Day Gordon Hello everybody, I welcome you to Gothams 200th anniversary. I am pleased to announce that Gothams crime rates are at an all time low. (clapping) Theyre still the highest in the world but hey, were working on it! For this we have our beloved Dark Knight to thank, which is why we are gathered here today, to honor him with a key to the city! (cheers) To present him with the key is a very special guest, all the way from Metropolis. Chorus Ooh! Gordon So stick around because he should be here any minute (whooshing sound) Pizza 1 What was that? Man An air attack!

Shopkeeper Protect the women and children! Gordon Oh hang on, its just Batman! Pizza 1 Flying his sonic jet through the city streets, classic batman! Batman Look at all those wretched pinhead puppets, they all look like bullseyes from up here Shopkeeper You saved my life batman, dont know how I could ever repay you! Batman Kill my parents will you? Well youre all criminals in my eyes! You just havent committed any crimes yet, but when you do ill be there. Im everywhere! Im the fastest thing in the.. (whooshing sound) Whassat?? Pizza 1 Look up there, its a bird! Batman Oh no, not here Man No you idiot thats batmans plane! Batman Not now Shopkeeper Captain Marvel! Batman Not him

Superman No, its Superman! Shopkeeper Look its Captain Marvel, all the way from Metropolis! Superman Its Superman. Chorus Hello Captain Marvel! Superman License and registration please, ha Im just kidding! Batman Ugh eat my dust you super, slowpoke! Superman Oh I see, you wanna race huh? Shopkeeper Everyone check it out, Captain Marvel and Batman are racing! Go get him Batman! (cheers) Superman Oh man, are my limitless powers about to run out? Ha no! Chorus (Confused sounds) Batman What the hell where did he go? Superman Behind you! I just flew around the world. Back from Space! Moon rock? Hey I caught the riddler, you were looking for this guy right? Batman Hey put down my villain!

Superman OK. Man Hey his plane isnt that fast. Shopkeeper It cant even beat Captain Marvel! Chorus Ha ha! Gordon Alright Batman you come down from your little plane and get your key to the city! Pizza 1 Yeah come on down! Batman Aargh! (exit Batman) Int.Batcave.Night (Enter Alfred and Batman) Alfred Welcome home sir. Batman Uuurgh! Get rid of it Alfred, I never wanna see it again. Alfred What are you talking about sir? Batman The plane Alfred. Alfred But sir, you love this plane. Batman No, I hate that plane, just destroy it!

Alfred Its not just your plane, its your fathers plane. And its all thats left of him. Batman Fine, justget rid of it! Send it to aquaman, who cares! Just get it out of my sight. Alfred Theres an idea, Aquaman can use all the help he can get. Batman This world its rotten, rotten to the core. Its just full of people who kill your parents, and fly faster than your plane! You know the one thing that made me happy, the one thing that I liked, was being more powerful than everyone. Soaring godlike in the sky, crippling misguided youngsters that Id never met! Made me feel like I was worth a damn But if I cant fly faster than Superman, I might as well die! Alfred Come on, Cheer up sir. You know, theres more to life than senseless violence and extravagant spending. Think sir, who do you like spending time with? Batman The joker. But hes in heaven now, with mom and pops. Making them laugh I just know it! I guess the closest thing I have to a friend isyou. But I pay you. Alfred Apples and pears sir. Surely theres somebody else. Maybe one of your work friends? Batman Ive never worked a god damn day in my life, you know that Alfred! The only person I ever see over at Wanye Enterprises is Lucius Fox! Hes always making me guns and planes and tanks and stuff! Alfred Well there you go, things arent as bad as they seem. Batman I havent talked to him in ages, Ill call him now!

Alfred Right now? You know what Ill leave the room, give you some privacy. Batman No, stick around! You can say hi hell love that. (phone rings) Alfred I have to make a confession sir, youre not the only one with a secret identity. Turn around. (Batman turns) Alfred Other way. Batman Why? Alfred You see when I was stationed in Burma with your father, (this is before the war)I made a promise to your father that if anything ever happened to him, I would pretend to be your butler. So I, Lucius Fox, took up the guise of Alfred Pennyworth so I could give you words of wisdom 24/7, eight days a week, at work and at home. Batman So, all those times you cleaned the entire mansion Alfred This place is filthy. Batman And did my laundry Alfred I just throw them out at the end of the week and buy you new clothes. Batman So, what youre saying is, I have no friends at all. (cries) ALFRED! How could you do this to me?

You raised my hopes so high, then mugged and shot them in an alley. Turns out I cant even trust you. Youre fired you oldfraud! Alfred Well if thats what you bloody want, then fine! Batman Fine! Alfred Fine! Batman Fine! Alfred You wont last a day without me! Batman I will to! Alfred Wanna bet? Batman Yeah? Alfred Fuck you. Batman Wha-Fuck you! I dont need him oh Alfred Alfred Top of the morning sir. Batman What? Who are you and how did you get into the batcave? Alfred The agency just sent me over, Im whathisnames replacement. My names O Malley. Batman

Good to meet you O Malley. Im Batman, and Im in a bat mood and the cave is a mess! Alfred Its a nice cave sir. You know, before the war your father used these tunnels to build an underground railroad. Im sorry sir, would you like to be alone? Batman I am alone, this is what its like to be Batman. Darkness, solitude. This is the life I have chosenno this is the life thats chosen me! Alfred Poor Master Bruce, hes such a lonely fellow (song: dark, sad, lonely knight)
Poor Master Bruce, poor Mr. Wayne Lonely caboose on a one car train. And it pains me to watch you amble along This track of loneliness I laid down for you. I remember that horrible night, the night you were split in two And I swore Id protect you (and I havent). So I built a wall all around you, but the wall was too tall And it blocked out all of the birds and the sun. I tried to raise you right, I tried to raise you proper. I tried to be a mentor and a friend, and a mama and a papa too. And insulate you from any outside source of fright. And make bloody certain youll never see another Dark, sad, lonely night. Batman: As I look at my life I see somethings not right Like a thousand percent. And I wonder what it is, how it is that its always just me here Crying alone at the end of the night, ten thousand percent. Put most of the blame on Alfred. How come he couldnt take the bullet intended for mama and papa? I never had a pony. I never had pets. Just a bullshit butler, who builds bullshit jets. Oh! Im falling apart, I need a friend. Somebody to hold on to. Somebody to confide in. Think of the children, next time you gun down their mama and papa. Because they probably dont have another mama and papa. I was seein a girl for a while, a couple days anyway And I told her I loved her. She said youre such a good friend and that rash is bad

You should really go see a doctor. Then she just disappeared, sent me some text about bad timing And my love being selfish. Then my doctor called up and the blood came back and as it turns out Im allergic to peanuts and shellfish. I loved peanuts and shellfish once. Im falling apart, Im lacking punch. I can barely eat. This morning I barely touched my brunch. Two spoons of oatmeal, a couple of nuts, and half a banana. And like my soul, the banana was bruised and black. Im falling apart, I need a friend. Somebody to hold on to, somebody to confide in. Somebody to ride in the cockpit Co-captain of the friendship ship. Or maybe just a friend ship. If I had a buddy, we could discuss Just what we call friendship. I want to be somebodys buddy Somebody who can be my buddy back. I want to be somebodys buddy Anybody but a dumbshit butler. (repeated) Superman: I want to be somebodys buddy Somebody who can be my buddy back. (repeated) Green Lantern: I want to be somebodys buddy Somebody who can be my buddy back. (repeated) Batman: I want to be somebodys buddy

(end) Alfred Master Bruce needs companionship, but where does a young man find that in 1997? Of course, the personal ads! Lets see here Young hot female seeking old English Butler Ill keep that one save it for a rainy day I will. Lets see dogs for saleno. Orphans for sale? Why O malley youve done it again, by the luck of the Irish! (phone rings)

Ext.Street.Night Voice machine: Hello, youve reached the voicemail of Batman. Please leave after the tone. Superman Hey Batman, listen Im just calling to apologize, I think we got off on the wrong foot the other day. Youre a hero, Im a superhero lets be friends! Me and aquaman and a few of the other guys are fighting Solomon Grundy on Monday and Id love it if you could be there. You could throw a boomerang, or punch him, whatever it is you do. Also, wonderwoman is gonna be there so... there you go. Anyway call me back as soon as possible, actually you better call me in the afternoon cause Ill be up all night partying with my friends in the fortress of solitude. (Enter Green Lantern) Hey GL whats up my man? GL Hey not much eh actually were you just talking to batman? Superman Yeah, well his answering machine

Ent.Villain Lair. Night (song: rogues are we)


Scarecrow: Line up, sign up If you're looking for some sin Poison Ivy: And a dirty way to win. Yeah! Penguin: Get pissed, enlist Tap into the devil within Mr. Freeze: Let the villainy begin All: We're joining forces

Riddler: We're making clever quips All: We revel in malevolence Four thousand horses of the apocalypse Mr. Freeze: Giddy up, Gotham Catwoman: Giddy up, up, up All: We're going rogue, rogue, rogue! Rogues are we! Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies All: Rogues are we! Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats All: Rogues are we! Poison Ivy: We're rising up from the underground All: Rogues are we! Penguin: We're taking over your streets Riddler: Riddle me this I've got a puzzle that put you to tears I'm cruel but never crass Penguin: Look no further than here To see a penguin without peer I've got a certain touch of class Scarecrow: I made a fear toxin in the form of gas Then I wear a scary mask Mr. Freeze: I've got ice in my veins Poison Ivy:

Venom on the vine I'll weed out any wussy Catwoman: I'm a pretty little kitty But I ain't noAll: Rogues are we! Catwoman: We are the harlots and the hussies All: Rogues are we! Mr. Freeze: We are the swindlers and the cheats All: Rogues are we! Poison Ivy: We're rising up from the underground All: Rogues are we! Penguin: We're taking over your streets All: Rogues are we!

(end song) Penguin Ah Riddler! Freeze Wow, what a cool crowd, how ice to see you all again. Penguin Ah freeze, so good to see you again, come over here and kiss my flipper! Cat Enough pussyfooting Penguin, lets get this meeting started meow Penguin Ah I thought I saw a puddycat!

Thats what I love about you catwoman, a chick who knows her business! Now ladies and gentleman, Im sure you all know why you are all here, I assume youve been reading my tweets! We are being plucked like the feathers of a bird by a guy who dresses up like a bat! Rabble rabble! Rabble! He is sticking his beak in our business and it is starting to ruffle my feathers. Freeze Because of batman my projects have been put on ice, my assets are frozen. Ivy Ive been uprooted! Scarecrow Hes given me an awful fright! Cat We better catnip this guy in the bud before he sends us to the pound. Twoface I second that! Scarecrow Who invited twoface? Twoface Lets make this quick, Im double parked! Ivy We didnt invite you! Twoface I know but this is the second meeting you guys havent invited me to, which isnt fair! Im twice as villainous as the rest of you! Freeze Oh yeah? Whats your latest icecapade?

Ivy Whatre you gonna do, rob the second largest National Bank of all its two dollar bills? Twoface Yeah! On February 2nd! Chorus Oh jeez.. Twoface Please let me join the Council of rogues, please! Riddler No way! Penguin Fly the coop twoface! Cat Youre a secondary villain. Twoface Whatever, I was gonna head over to a 2chainz concert! Catch you on the flipside? No my coin! Riddler Get your broke ass outta here twoface! Sweet Excuse me Twoface No it was my faultand mine! Penguin So what are gonna do about this dark knight, because I am stumped. Sweet Well, well, well, you guys are up to your old twix. Freeze A twix bar?

Penguin Alright alright, whos the wise guy who thinks hes a joker? Sweet Ha the joker?! The joker was.. a sucker. You can call me sweet tooth, and as you can see Im a lot tastier! (gasp) Scarecrow Sweet tooth is the newest villain in town, hes been terrorizing gotham with his candy related crimes! Sweet Yes its been quite a spree hasnt it? Yet I still havent been invited to join your council of roguesI havent heard a wispa! You know what, I think your group needs a new leader, I nominate me! Hahaha Penguin Quit your squawking sweet tooth, Im king of the walk around here, chilly willy! Chilly Yes boss? Penguin Chilly Willy, please remove mr. tooth from the premises immediately. Chilly You got it mr. guin. Penguin Actually its just one name, penguin. No mister. Chilly You got it Mr. Pen. Sweet Perhaps you need a demonstration, chilly like a lollipop? Chilly Sure I wouldnt mind a willy would you

(stabs chilly, gasp ensues) Sweet I say, we kill the bat! Cat That sounds absolutely purrfect. Penguin Kill the bat, if I had thought of that Id still be the head of this organization. Sweet tooth, my monacle and top hat are off to you. Ladies and gentlemen put your flippers together for the new king of Gotham! Sweet Now quit your snickering, weve got a bat in our bellefree, and if we ever want it to be payday, weve got to strengthen our numbers. You see divided were just runts, but together we pack a sour punch. I mean theres no way one man can stop us, no matter how batty he is! Arthur Does this mean I can join you? Sweet You are most welcome to join our round table, king Arthur! Sherlock And what about me? Sweet But of course! Sherlock A chance to prove myself, when the people of Gotham see my heat ray there wont be a soul alive who doesnt fear Sherlock Holmes. Sweet Gothams been chewing on bat casserole for too long, its time to move ontodessert.

Sweet Tooth: Rogues! Assemble Gather, Unite

And take a mental snapshot Of this most auspicious night We've got strength in numbers now The battle can begin We're waging war on Batman And the war is ours to win Sweet Tooth and Poison Ivy: Rise up! Like a natural disaster We take The Bat, then we take back the town We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance In solidarity he hasn't a chance All: Rise up! Like a natural disaster We take The Bat, then we take back the town We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance In solidarity he hasn't a chance Sweet Tooth: (Spoken) Let's dance! (Instrumental) All: Rogues are we! Rise up! Like a natural disaster (Rogues are we!) We take The Bat, then we take back the town (Rogues are we!) We harm in harmony, arm in arm we hold our stance (Rogues are we!) In solidarity he hasn't a chance Sweet Tooth: (Spoken) Let's dance! All: Rogues are we!

Int.Batcave.Night (sobbing) Alfred Sir, its me O Malley. You cant stay in your pillow fort and cry forever. Batman Yes I can.

Alfred But Ive got a surprise for you Batman What kind of surprise? Alfred You have a visitor. Batman I dont like visitors. Alfred I know that, but this visitor isnt like any other visitor. You see hes from the circus. You like the circus, dont you? Batman yeah. Alfred Who loves the circus? Batman Batman. Alfred You love the circus! Batman Batman loves the circus. Alfred Will you come out and give it a shot? Batman Ill try. Alfred Very good sir. Our guest is waiting in the drawing room. Now lets get this tied around waist, so you feel nice and secure. Batman Thank you, O Malley. You know you remind me of two great men, who turned out to be the same person.

Alfred Very good sir. Batman What? A kid?! I thought it was going to be an elephant, or at a clown. I miss the joker Alfred Give him a chance sir. You see, hes fallen on a patch of bad luck. Hes an orphan. Batman An orphan? But what happened to his mama? And popa? Alfred Both dead Im afraid, and his heart is heavy with dread.