Power and Conflict Course Title Communication and Conflict Course Identification - COMM 45459 Instructor Brian C.

C. Pattie Course Completed Spring 2013 Assignment Title Communication and Conflict Final Paper

Assignment Description Analyze a specific conflict with a person(s) with whom you have a relationship with that is either on going or in the past. You must use terminology and concepts from class as well as your textbook in order to fully analyze the factors that surround the discussed conflict. You must be able to present your paper to the class in a manner where each student can understand the origins of the conflict. Reflection I added this academic paper because conflict with roommates is a very common situation where people are often not able to solve the problems at hand. When you are living with more than one individual, each others values and habits can be viewed as annoying and troublesome by the other. My conflict concerned my living situation with four people in a three bedroom apartment, so I was forced to deal with problems for multiple people. This paper shows my ability to analyze situations where more than one individual is contributing to the problem and how to address it. What was most interesting to me was the amount of agreement that came from fellow class mates when I presented this paper. College students are very aware of roommate conflicts and are likely to have stories of their own. When reevaluating this paper, I could have added some more issues that could have contributed to the conflicts. While some of them are personal, it would have helped the reader better understand how the conflicts could have occurred or other ways they could have been dealt with.

Power and Conflict

Communication and Conflict Final Paper Brian Boucherle Kent State University

Power and Conflict

While some individuals like to believe that they have very little conflict in their lives, they fail to realize that everyone experiences conflict on a daily basis. These conflicts can range from a simple situation with a roommate, to a year -long problem with a family member with a significant other. Either way, the way we handle conflict tells a lot about our personalities. The personal conflict I will be discussing in this paper deals with my living situation. I live in a three bedroom apartment, but live with a total of four people. While this wasnt too much of an issue last year, this year has had a complete turnaround. The overall cleanliness of the apartment is at an all-time low, and no one is taking responsibility for their messes. There is also an overall sense of laziness within the apartment. Being someone who enjoys a clean space, this has caused an unnecessary amount of frustration. The other major problem deals with guests. I enjoy having guests over at my apartment, but when one or two specific guests end up staying over an average of five days a week, it starts to become a nuisance. Especially when they contribute to the messiness of the apartment. While the paper states that I should be focusing on one other individual, I believe this apartment conflict to be very important, and is undoubtedly the biggest conflict in my life right now. Its difficult to pinpoint when this conflict became a major problem. In the sense of things, it only really began last semester. We had one of our roommates move out because he was no longer a student at Kent State University. Since this occurrence, we have had two other roommates take his place. While there hasnt been any major problems with these replacement roommates, the state of the apartment itself has continued to worsen. I feel as if everyone who is living in the apartment is well aware that the place is far from sanitary, but no one is taking action to change it. All the individuals living in the apartment seem pretty apathetic towards

Power and Conflict

keeping the apartment clean. At the beginning of the year, we all agreed to improve our abilities to clean up after ourselves. We all collectively made it our goal to do so. Now, I feel as if I am the only one who is keeping up with this goal. I am also certain that others are familiar with my goal to be sanitary, yet they are putting their other personal goals first. I have my own personal goals too, however, and I still manage to clean up after myself. Its extremely easy to understand what cleaning up after yourself means, but it seems to be foreign to my roommates. Because of this situation, I have become much more avoidant of being in their company. I tend to arrive home from classes and go right to my room. I have made it abundantly clear that no one is keeping up with their goals, and I all receive is backlash. The word team effort is used quite a lot to describe what cleaning up the apartment means. I completely concur with this statement, but when I find myself cleaning up my mess along with anothers mess on a daily basis, I take those words with a grain of salt. Because of this, I have grown much more angry towards my roommates and guests. I personally believe that if youre going to be a regular guest at my apartment for the majority of the week, you should at least do your fair share of cleaning up. Having these guests stay has added a lot of damage to trying to keep the place neat. Along with that, they are also keeping me up when I am trying to sleep at night. While they stay up late playing video games or watching television, I try and sleep early and rise early to get a great start on my day. And being someone who pays to live there, I should have more of a say when people need to leave, or at least be quiet. This conflict has most definitely turned towards being destructive. As we learned in chapter one, this destructive conflict has led to a lack of enjoyment and power struggles within the apartment, and it hasnt always been this way. The struggle of power is a key factor in any type of conflict. The perception of power in any relationship will determine how situations are handled. According to Wilmont and Hocker

Power and Conflict

(2011), interpersonal power is the ability to influence a relational partner in any context because you control, or at least the partner perceives that you control, resources that the partner needs, values, desires, or fears. Id like to believe that the power is pretty evenly spaced among those who actually pay to live there. No one really has that much more control over one another. However, if youre being technical, I have the most power and control in my apartment. Not only am I one of two people who pay more for having their own room, the majority of kitchen supplies and living area items were supplied by me. Im also the individual who handles the rent and utilities. As we learned in chapter four, I have what is called designated power, which is power given by my position. So, in essence, I have the most power within my apartment, but I do not use that fact to boss people around. Id like to think to myself that this does help influence my interactions with those in my apartment. If I have some concern or I wish to address a problem, my opinion is always heard and is considered. The power currencies within the apartment are slightly geared towards myself. Using the RICE model, I have a lot of perceived power compared to the others. As stated before, the majority of household items were supplied by me, giving me resource control. Pertaining to interpersonal linkage, the apartment is on a level playing field. We all have mutual friends that we get along with, and we dont utilize them to seek revenge on another roommate. Being a communication major and a natural conversationalist, I possess a lot of superb communication skills. This aids me in solving situations and getting my point across. Along with communication skills, I have expertise in managing apartment matters. When a question arises, I am usually the first person they go to. With this model in mind, I am viewed to have a great amount of power over the rest of my roommates.

Power and Conflict

Being someone who values friendship and companionship, I highly value each individual I live with and respect their power. I would not wish to live with someone I was not close friends with or at least knew them well. I depend on my friends and roommates to always have my back when I have a problem. If someone has a problem with the way I am doing something, I encourage them to discuss it with me. I have yet to have a situation where I had threatened a roommate with my power, or vice versa. However, if a conflict came about where I had to express my influence and power, I would not hesitate. The way each roommate handles conflicts varies quite a lot. When we first settled into our apartment, collaboration was used to help bring any issues with what to bring and buy to a solution. According to FoundationCoalition.org, collaboration involves active listening, nonthreatening confrontation, identifying concerns, and analyzing input. This is often considered the most effective way of solving conflict, and it served us well when we moved in. I enjoy using collaboration when it comes to conflict. I was raised to talk things through and try to make the best opportunity for both parties in a situation. As we learned in chapter five, an individuals style and tactics of dealing with conflict are developed over a persons lifetime. While the conflict management style is very generalized to how one solves a problem, the tactics they use are what propels them to find their solution to the problem. Even though I use collaboration the most, I use an avoidance style at times. If I find a conflict to be miniscule and not worth my energy, I attempt to avoid it at all costs. In the situation of the apartment, my roommates and guests tend use avoidance and competition tactics. They try and minimize the amount of discussion involved with a conflict when it arises. They deny any accusations and try to change topics when a mess is brought up that is obviously theirs. Irrelevant remarks are a common problem too. Sometimes situations can

Power and Conflict

become slightly passive-aggressive. Hostile jokes, personal criticism, and rejection have been known to occur amongst us. I am guilty of this at times as well. When this happens, my overall behavior changes. I notice myself becoming much more aggressive and willing to lash out. If I view one of my roommates as being uncooperative and unwilling to listen, I tend to mimic this. This ties in with the fact that each individual perceives their way of solving an issue as the only correct way to do so. In doing so, any person trying to solve the problem using a different style is viewed as being aggressive and controlling. Its not surprising to deal with avoidance tactics in an apartment with all males. According to the International Center for cooperation & Conflict Resolution, conflict avoidance for men is beneficial since it leads to a decreased level of emotional exhaustion a break from the conflict. Its easy to assess that this conflict is repetitive and has been occurring throughout the semester. I am entirely certain that this situation can be changed and I truly wish to see this happen. While this conflict can be perceived as minor, it has caused a lot of stress and noncooperation within the apartment. I cant say if this has carried over into other aspects of my roommates lives, but it definitely has for me. I really dont have much of a desire anymore to return to my apartment, simply because of the mess and annoyances that await me. It can be very difficult to positive in this situation, but I try my best. It has really come to my attention that everyone in my apartment has become rather apathetic about how it looks and how well it is functioning. They leave the problems on the back burner as if at some point it will be miraculously fixed without any effort. It is already easy to see that its starting to get on the nerves of everyone in the apartment. Everyone appears to just avoid the problem altogether until someone becomes fed up and cleans it themselves. I have had to do this on several occasions. I feel one of the best ways to solve this problem is to set aside a time where everyone can sit down

Power and Conflict

and have time to discuss the problems. This really appeals to using collaboration to solve the problem at hand. Each person will have their turn to bring up topics or concerns that have been causing them unnecessary stress and anger. When everyone has their say, we will put together what is similar and what can be easily solved. In doing this, it can be easier to continue to bring up problems and have them solved, instead of avoiding the problem and letting it worsen. I am completely comfortable saying how I feel about a situation, as long as I am not the only one. I tend not to be very open about what is bothering me if it has already been discussed before. This is one thing I drastically need to improve on, as well as the rest of my roommates. One emotion that has been consuming me the most on this situation is anger. We learned in chapter 6 the functions of anger and how it can help/hinder a solution to a problem. Anger is an extremely power emotion that has been termed the moral emotion by the ancients. When one thinks of anger, the words threatening and aggression come to mind. When one expresses his or her anger in a very unrestrained fashion towards someone, that individual feels threatened to the point of retaliating back, creating even more anger. Anger is not just a negative emotion, however. The American Psychological Association states that anger can be a good thing because it can help you express bottled up emotions and can even motivate you to solve a problem. I concur with this statement because I am trying to use my anger in a positive manner by wishing to solve this conflict as soon as possible. I have done a good job at restraining myself from expressing my anger by using aggressive language and tone. At the same time, this may be the reason I am at a constant level of anger, simply because I am have been holding it in for so long. My main problem is my current unwillingness to discuss this problem. I mentioned that I tend to avoid conflict if my discussion about the problem was not followed up. I feel a lack of respect when this occurs, which causes me to have negative feelings towards them.

Power and Conflict

While anger does have its benefits, it will not be the only emotion to base my actions off of if I wish to solve this conflict. Using a balance of positive emotions to resolve conflicts will produce the most profitable outcome. When a conflict is discussed when both parties are calm and collected, it is much more likely to be resolved compared to when emotions are expressed heavily or not expressed at all. Chapter 6 emphasizes the importance of positive emotions to improve ones individual mindset. By doing so, one will be more sympathetic and emphatic towards an individuals needs and wants. It is healthier if both parties can remain open, honest, assertive and respectful of the other position (DRB Alternatives, Inc.). This is very helpful information for someone like myself who tends to go into a discussion slightly angry. The best route to bring up the discussion will be when the apartment has been cleaned. When it is, I will use it to my advantage by showing just how much more appealing it looks when there isnt a mess in every corner. Not only will I be calm, but so will my roommates when we discuss it. Its really easy to hold grudges against someone when they have wronged you or caused you a great deal of anger. One of the most important acts one can do for another person, whether they are aware of it or not, is to forgive. In order to resolve a conflict, one must put aside grudges and forgive the individuals involved. Forgiveness can be defined as a personal decision to reduce negative feelings towards another person who has harmed or hurt you. According to Mayo Clinic, forgiving someone can create healthier relationships, less stress and hostility, less anxiety, and better psychological well-being. Using this knowledge, going into the next discussion on apartment cleanliness will be done with an overall forgiveness towards how the apartment has been treated this semester. In order to prevent this situation from happening again, everyone in the apartment needs to agree that this lack of sanitation is unacceptable. We all need to sit down and negotiate in

Power and Conflict

mutual agreement that having a clean apartment is a necessity for success and healthy communication amongst those that are living here. Through negotiation, each member of the apartment will realize their interdependence with each other. Much like my style of handling conflict situations, using collaborative negotiation will ensure this process will benefit all roommates. We will realize that although we have diverse goals, we still have common goals that each of us can assist each other in achieving. Being able to communication further problems down the road will be vital in this discussion. It needs to be understood that avoiding the problem will only make it worse and cause more conflict. According eHow.com, Communicating with I statements decrease the chance for the other person to become defensive. While its a simple communication skill to possess, it will ensure that each party is not being personally attacked for their specific actions.

Power and Conflict

References Anger. (n.d.). American Psychological Association (APA). Retrieved April 12, 2013, from http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/ Collaborating (What modes do people use to address conflict?). (n.d.). Foundation Coalition. Retrieved April 11, 2013, from http://www.foundationcoalition.org/home/keycomponents/teams/conflict1d5.html Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - MayoClinic.com. (n.d.). Mayo Clinic. Retrieved April 11, 2013, from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131 Harel-Marian, T. (n.d.). To Avoid or Not to Avoid Conflict: Gender Matters | International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Resolution (ICCCR). Teachers College . Retrieved April 15, 2013, from http://blogs.tc.columbia.edu/icccr/2011/10/11/to-avoid-or-not-to-avoid-conflictgender-matters/ Herrscher, A. (n.d.). How to Prevent Interpersonal Conflicts | eHow.com. eHow | How to Videos, Articles & More - Discover the expert in you. | eHow.com. Retrieved April 11, 2013, from http://www.ehow.com/how_7338507_prevent-interpersonal-conflicts.html Interpersonal Conflict and Effective Communication. (n.d.). Donna R. Bellafiore, MSW, LCSW Individual, Family Counseling, Alcohol, Drug Programs, Surviving Infidelity, Divorce Mediation, Integrated Health Management services provided by a professional with credentials.. Retrieved April 11, 2013, from http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/cc2.html Wilmont, W. W., & Hocker, J. L. (2011). Interpersonal Conflict (8th Ed). Boston: McGraw-Hill