Random things to Say

At Random

Collected by: Jaime Turbett

 It started on a night like any other night in fall 1999, I was in 8th grade, per usual I was bored. I

had just gotten out of the shower and was running around in an online MMORPG called Tibia. This

wouldn't normally lend itself to boredom but the friend I played with wasn't online yet and I was

getting antsy killing trolls by myself. Finally my friend signed on and I said "I smell like shaving

cream." He thought this was random and ridiculous. So I said I should write a book about stuff like

that, I mean I'm always saying random things and I'm certainly not the only random person out there...

So was born the list. Of random things. To say. At random. The original concept is you're in an

awkward situation where you just can't seem to break the ice or it's just way to quiet and you're

growing uncomfortable so you randomly burst into one of the following phrases and lo and behold

suddenly life becomes a little stranger. Or try facing people in the elevator instead of just staring at a

wall and say something like "I've got new socks on." Guaranteed those people will go home that day

with something strange to talk about.

Some of these phrases came from my mouth, some from friends, video games, movies, tv

shows, websites, one came from a strange sign on a grocery store. I don't remember where I got them

all from, some are so popular only a fool wouldn't recognize them. Fortunately this list continues to

grow someday I hope it will grow up and become the list of 1042 Random things to say.

So here's to Random Things, and random people, all over the place. Hats off to all of you, and

thanks for making the world a stranger place to live in. Without further ado I give you the list...

1. I smell like shaving cream.

2. A balloon flew out of my ass!

3. Be gone with ye men in tights!

4. Does your aunt have a toilet seat?

5. Dragons have bad breath.

6. Help I'm being attacked by a giant raison!

7. I burp flies.

8. Boogity Boogity Boo!

9. I'm gunna kill it.

10. I'm not moldy!

11. I like toenails.

12. Bullshit!

13. 1776 was a good year for paper

14. A moose once bit my sister.

15. Beef beyond belief.

16. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

17. Can I buy your soul?

18. Chess is a racist game

19. Clean lemony fresh victory is mine!

20. Critters burn good.

21. Crucifixes do not ward off officers.

22. Crucifying mice is a bad idea.

23. Do you canoe?

24. Give me the taco or I will explode, it happens to me sometimes.

25. Gnomes! Capture the squirrel!

26. He's like a little fuzzy pee-pee person.

27. He's stealing organs and replacing them with stuff!

28. I am in need of a more suitable host body.

29. I have super powers.

30. I leave you to your moosey fate!

31. I like to be naked.

32. I'll be in my lab, bathing in paste.

33. I'll take your soul for a soda.

34. I'm emptying my brain to make room for the cupcake.

35. I'm going to make toast!

36. I'm invincible!

37. I'm mailing all my roomate's stuff to Molly.

38. I'm the king of cheese!

39. I need you to find me new meat.

40. Is it because of the rats I've been eating before class?

41. Is there any einkorn in this bread?

42. I think I should have my head examined again.

43. I think it'd be scary to be an Oscar Meyer weener.

44. I think my toe has issues.

45. I think penguins are the next national hazard.

46. It's a good thing I don't want to be a duck.

47. It's them damn aliens again!

48. It's the office gnomes, I swear!

49. I've got new socks on.

50. Kudos to everyone except Ben

51. Let's make bisquits!

52. Mother earth is yelling at you!

53. Must obey the tacos!

54. My cello ate me.

55. My life is a hideous montage of humiliation and shame.

56. Napalm sticks to kids.

57. Nerve gas is not funny.

58. Ni!

59. I'm going to flush you down the toilet.

60. Once I finish with the humans I'll begin the war with the bees.

61. Quiet or I'll eat your head.

62. Send a message to Washington that the sun must be destroyed!

63. Sharks hide behind trees.

64. Sharp as a marble!

65. She found her keys locked in the fridge.

66. Shipoppi!

67. So it goes.

68. Someday I will conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys.

69. Son of a monkey!

70. Soon watery vengeance will be mine!

71. Stand away you smell like feet!

72. Sycamore's are my favorite fried tree.

73. Tacos are not worth destroying the mission!

74. Texans don't like gay people.

75. That's a government pig.

76. The boy's crazy, put him in one of those crazy buckets.

77. The giant space ants from Oobla control everything in our world.

76. The pig accepts me!

77. Sniffing Jackets is a horrible habit

78. There are evil clowns living under my bed!

79. There's an alien in my guts and he's trying to destroy my brain.

80. The shark's running free!

81. The squirell made me do it!

82. The wonderful telephone system.

83. They're redecorating with brain matter wallpaper.

84. They sent me home cuz' I got too much joy.

85. They took my squeezing arm!

86. Water, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

87. We're being attacked by giant hot dogs!

88. We reccomend you have appropriate footgear for running away from parents.

89. We recycle soap.

90. When the repairs are done I shall hunt down that evil death bee.

91. Why am I so amazing?

92. When you travel the country you tend to lose a few things here and there

93. What about the bus?

94. Why was there bacon in the soap?

95. You are the one fortold in the prophesies told by...Frank.

96. You can't arrest children for being rude.

97. You guys are just begging to face the moose!

98. You're just after me Frosted Lucky Charms!

99. You've angered the island gods with an accident so stupid.

100. Do you want to dance to the beat of the copy machine?

101. Does this mean I get to keep my dictionary?

 102. Do you know where your spatula is?

103. Would you like to kiss my flamingo?

104. The penguins are in the kitchen.

105. I am a jelly doughnut.

106. Smiles on your bathroom trip.

107. I've named bushes before.

108. Sex is like a rock

109. I've never really thought about my kidneys before.

110. You're going to a special level of hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at
the theatre.

111. Now I can use your hair in my spells.

112. I like to write about toads.

113. I have to find a spell to banish the neighbors.

114. That whale just took out a stop sign.

115. Wanna eat a bald eagle?

116. Aces are the bisexual card.

117. Bras are the original feminine swiss army knife.

118. If Batman were a chick he'd have a utility bra.

119. I've crucified a worm before.

120. That snail is fleeing!

121. Shave the whales!

122. Go ask the flamingo what time it is!

123. Cookie Dough is the new hair gel

124. Axle grease is the new sun tan lotion.

125. Your sperms in the gutter, your loves in the sink.

126. The storks are in the living room.

127. The platapai are in my bed.

128. That banana knocked the wind out of me!

129. Spiders are a disgrace to the earth.

130. There's an evil pig living in my abdomen

131. These one's got peanuts and soap in em!

132. Everybody loves pancake mix!

133. The moose already came out of the banana

134. What do you get when you multiply six by nine?

135. That Tooth Fairy done set my bungalow on fire!

136. Death rides the forest when man is careless!

137. I like men is cows.

138. My shins are an elephant

139. Ninja's can't play basketball

140. My hair has spoken.

141. Pines never pay current bills out of current earnings.

142. Cross the magic bridge to get the aardvark off the princess' nose.

143. I have blockage in my brainages.

144. Have fun on the robot reservation!

145. Save it for Queen Dopelpopolis.

146. Ah Mercury, sweetest of the transition metals.

147. It's like a koala bear crapped a rainbow in my brain!

148. Damn your non-metal body!

149. I better get back to the lentil caserole before I get disoriented.

150. Oh look, Corn nuts all over the floor.

151. Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry.

152. What are you thinking making a meal out of totalitarian vegetables?

153. That doesn't mean I want you to seduce my parrot.

154. Make the red arrows go away!

155. That's funny, I don't remember ramming a skewer into my head.

156. Why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall?

157. That's the last time I put sushi in my pocket.