Series 1 Episode 12 The Jerusalem Duality

Scene: The University cafeteria. Sheldon: Heres the problem with teleportation. Leonard: Lay it on me. Sheldon: Assuming the device could be invented which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location, and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual. You would have destroyed him in one location, and recreated him in another. Leonard: How about that. Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter. Because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon. Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon? Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same. Leonard: That is a problem. Sheldon: So, you see it too. Dr Gablehouser (arriving): Dr Hofstadter, Dr Cooper. Together: Dr Gablehouser. Gablehouser: Gentlemen, Id like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a highly sought after Doctorial candidate and were hoping to have him do his graduate work here. Leonard: Graduate work, very impressive. Gablehouser: And hes only fifteen years old. Sheldon: Not bad, I myself started graduate school at fourteen. Dennis: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunnelling out of North Korea. Leonard: Advantage Kim. Gablehouser: I thought maybe you boys could show Dennis around, let him see why were the best physics research facility in the country.

Dennis: I already know youre not. You dont have an open science grid computer, or a free electron laser, and the string theory research being done here is nothing but a dead end. Sheldon: Excuse me, that is my research, and it is by no means a dead end. Dennis: Well, obviously you dont see it yet, but trust me, you will. Gablehouser: Dennis, we discussed this, were in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and weve agreed to look the other way if you want to use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang. We want him here boys, make it happen. Leonard: Yes sir. Sheldon: You can count on us, were on it. What the hell do you mean, dead end. Dennis: I mean, the whole landscape of false vacuums in string theory could be as large as ten to the five-hundredth power. In addition ooh, look, chocolate milk. Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the force. Leonard (in a Yoda voice): A bad feeling I have about this, mmm-hmmm. Credits sequence Scene: A corridor. Leonard: So, Dennis, how long have you been in America. Dennis: A year and a half. Leonard: No kidding, you speak English really well. Dennis: So do you. Except for your tendency to end sentences with prepositions. Leonard: What are you talking about? Dennis: That. Sheldon: Hes not wrong. Alright, and this is my office. Dennis: Is this part of the tour? Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye. Leonard: Come on, Sheldon, weve hardly shown him anything.

Sheldon: Oh, alright, this is my desk, these are my books, this is my door, please close it behind you. Goodbye. Dennis: Looks like youre doing work in quantum loop corrections. Sheldon: Keen observation, goodbye. Dennis: You see where you went wrong, dont you? Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: Huh, yeah? Sheldon: Get him out. Leonard: Come on, Dennis, Ill show you the rec centre, theyve got nautilus equipment. Dennis: Do I look like I lift weights. Leonard: Not heavy ones. Dennis: Its startling to me you havent considered a Lorentz invariant field theory approach. Sheldon: You think I havent considered it? You really think I havent considered it? Dennis: Have you considered it? Sheldon: Get him out Leonard. Leonard: Come on, Dennis, Ill show you the radiation lab. Dennis: Wow, you won the Stephenson award. Sheldon: Yes, in fact I am the youngest person ever to win it. Dennis: Really, how old? Sheldon: Fourteen and a half. Dennis: You were the youngest person ever to win it. Leonard: Its like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isnt it? Scene: The living room of the apartment. Penny (to Raj): Mmm, this is really delicious, isnt it? (Raj looks uncomfortable, then nods.)Still cant talk to me unless youre drunk, huh? (Shakes head) Oh, sweetie, you are so damaged.

Howard: Hey, Im damaged too. How about a hug for Howie? Penny: Sure. Raj, hug Howard. Sheldon (dramatically): Uh-uh-uh. Leonard: Something youd like to share? A tale of woe perhaps. Sheldon: Fifteen years old. Dennis Kim is fifteen years old, and hes already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to you know, that other guy. Howard: Antonio Salieri? Sheldon: Oh, God, now even youre smarter than me. Howard: You know, Sheldon, you dont have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them. Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, youll feel better. Sheldon: Why waste food. In Texas when a cow goes dry they dont keep feeding it, they just take her out and shoot her between the eyes. Penny: Im confused, did Sheldon stop giving milk? Leonard: You cant let this kid get to you. You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter. Sheldon: Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years, and that there would be an asterisk by his name because he would be a cyborg. Penny: So, youve got a bit of competition, I really dont see what the big deal is. Sheldon: Well of course you dont, youve never excelled at anything. Penny: I dont understand, exactly how did he get any friends in the first place? Howard: We liked Leonard. Leonard: Well, what are you going to do, Sheldon, give up? Sheldon: Yes. Thats what a rational person does when his entire lifes work is invalidated by a postpubescent Asian wunderkind. He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die. Penny: You know, Im confused again, is he waiting, or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

Scene: The same, later that night Sheldon: Hey. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Ive decided youre right. My career is not over. Leonard: Great. Sheldon: But, since the arrival of Dennis Kim has rendered my research pointless, I just have to find something else to focus on. Leonard: Great. Sheldon: So Ive decided, Im going to collaborate with you. Leonard: Great. Sheldon: What exactly is it you do? I know you chatter on about it all the time, but Ive never really paid attention. Leonard: Okay, well, right now Im designing an experiment to study the soft component of cosmic radiation at sea-level, but I really dont need any help. Sheldon: Oh, sure you do. Now, see, whats this here in the schematic, is that a laser array? Leonard: Yes. Sheldon: No. Hmmm. What happens if you use argon lasers instead of helium neon? Leonard: It would blow up. Sheldon: Are you sure? Leonard: Pretty sure. Sheldon: Pretty sures not very scientific, is this how you normally work, just hunches and guesses and stuff? Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, I understand that youre going through a bit of a career crisis, youre searching for some other area where you can feel valuable and productive but I need to tell you something and I want you to listen carefully. Sheldon: Alright. Leonard: Go away.

Sheldon: If youre concerned about sharing credit with me, youre name can go first Im going. Scene: Howards lab. Howard (into phone): Its a small brown paper bag, Ma, Im looking at it right now. (Pause.)Why would I make that up, theres no ding-dong in it. (Pause.) How are two ding-dongs tomorrow going to help me today? Sheldon (entering): So, this is engineering, huh? Howard (into phone): Ill talk to you later. Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semi-skilled labourers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, oompah-loompahs of science. Howard: Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: I just came by to say hello. Howard: Ive been at this lab for three years, youve never came by to say hello. Sheldon: Well, up until now Ive had better things to do. So, what are we making today? Howard: A small payload support structure for a European science experimental package thats going up on the next space shuttle. Sheldon: Really, how does it work? Howard: When this is done, it will be attached to the payload bay, and the sensor apparatus will rest on it. Sheldon: Uh, huh. So its a shelf? Howard: No, you dont understand, during acceleration it needs to stay perfectly level and provide yeah, okay, its a shelf. Sheldon: Now, I notice youre using titanium, did you give any consideration to carbon nanotubes, theyre lighter, cheaper and half twice the tensile strength. Howard: Sheldon, theres a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering. Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says I love you, bubbula. But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes. Howard: Sheldon. Sheldon: Yes.

Howard: Go away. Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that? Howard: No, I thought of it all by myself. Sheldon: Huh. It cant be a coincidence. There must be some causal link Im missing. Scene: Raj is exiting his office. Raj: Go away. (Sheldon exits) Sheldon: Curiouser and curiouser. Scene: The apartment. Howard (entering): Is he here? Leonard: If he were, I wouldnt be. Raj: Do you know what he did. He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me. Leonard: Is that even possible? Raj: As it turns out, yes. Howard: Somethings got to be done about him, Leonard. Leonard: Like what? Hell never be able to cope with the fact that some fifteen year-old kid is smarter and more accomplished than he is. Raj: Well, what if something were to happen to this boy so he was no longer a threat to Sheldon? Howard: Then our problem would be solved. Leonard: Hang on, are we talking about murdering Dennis Kim? Im not saying no. Howard: We dont have to go that far, there are other means available. Raj: We cant send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out. Howard: The only thing we need to do is make this Kim kid lose his focus. Leonard: That wont happen, hes not interested in anything but physics. Howard: What about biology?

Leonard: What? Howard: You know, biology? The one thing that can completely derail a world class mind. Leonard: Howard, hes fifteen. Howard: Yeah, so, when I was fifteen I met Denise Polmerry and my grade point average fell from a 5.0 to a 1.8. Raj: She was sleeping with you? Howard: No, I just wasted a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if she did. Sheldon (entering): Oh, good, youre all here. Look, Ive decided that if the three of you drop whatever it is youre working on and join me, we could lick cold fusion in less than a decade, twelve years tops. (They stare at him.) Go away? (They nod) Hmm. Could it be me? Scene: Outside Pennys apartment. Penny (opening door): Oh, hey guys, whats up? Howard: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys. Penny: What? Leonard: Howard, thats racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick. (Penny slams door.) Raj: Its possible she may have misunderstood us. Scene: Sheldons office. He is making measurements on maps. There is a knock on the door. Gablehouser (entering): Dr Cooper? Oh, are we interrupting? Sheldon: No, no, please, come in. Yeah, I think youll appreciate this, very exciting. Gablehouser: Oh, what are you working on? Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, Ive decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, Im going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert. Gablehouser: To what end? Sheldon: You know, its like the baseball movie, build it and they will come. Gablehouser: Who will come?

Sheldon: The Jewish people. Gablehouser: What if they dont come. Sheldon: Well make it nice, put out a spread. Gablehouser: Okay, well, um, speaking of spreads, were having a small welcoming party this afternoon for Mr Kim, whos agreed to join us here at the University. Sheldon: Of course he has, the oracle told us little Neo was the one. You can see the Matrix, cant you. Gablehouser: Okay, well, uh, obviously youre very busy with your uh, um, come Dennis. Youll have to excuse Dr Cooper, hes been under a lot of um hes nuts. Sheldon (voice off, sings to a Mexican tune): Ah, la-la-la, Hava Nagila. Theyll come, theyll settle and Ill win the prize Scene: The welcoming party Sheldon: I really dont understand your objections, Professor Goldfarb, why wouldnt the Senoran Desert make a perfectly good promised land? Goldfarb: Go away. Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Cherusalem. Goldfarb: Please go away. Sheldon: Said Pharoah to Moses. Gablehouser: Why are all these young women here? Leonard: Its take your daughter to work day. Gablehouser: Really, I was not aware of that. Raj: Oh, yes. There was a very official email that was sent to everyone whose insurance files indicated they had daughters between the ages of 14 and 16. Gablehouser: Hm? Howard: Smooth. Raj: Thank you. Gablehouser: Theres the man of the hour.

Leonard: Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive ageappropriate women. Howard: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them. (The look at Dennis, who is picking his ear.) Leonard: Does anyone else see the flaw in this plan? Raj: We need a social catalyst. Leonard: Like what? We cant get fifteen year-old girls drunk. Howard: Or can we? Leonard: No, we cant. Howard: I dont think you mean we cant. I think you mean we shouldnt. Sheldon: Hey, Howard. Youre a Jew. If there was another wailing wall, exactly like the one in Jerusalem, but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it? Okay, its definitely me. Leonard: Okay, we cannot leave this to chance, lets pick a girl, and figure out how to get her together with Dennis. Raj: Okay. How about that one. Howard: Uh-uh. I know the type, cheerleader, student council, goes out with jocks, wont even look at anybody in the gifted programme. And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you, it turns out to be a set-up and youre in the back seat of your moms car with your pants off while the whole football team laughs at you. Raj: Are you crying? Howard: No, I have allergies. Raj: Okay, uh, how about her? Leonard: Sure. If he wants to spend a couple of years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat White Russians, while youre the one holding her head out of the toilet while shes puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you, and they she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her, and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesnt even know you. Raj: Okay, so not her either. How about her?

Howard: Interesting, kind of pretty, a little chubby so probably low self-esteem. Leonard: I think thats our girl. One of us should go talk to her. Raj: I cant talk to her, you do it. Leonard: I cant just go up and talk to her. Howard, you talk to her. Howard: Oh no, shell never go for the kid once she gets a peek at this. Raj: You know, if we were in India this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop and wed be done. Leonard: Well, were not in India. Raj: Alright, why dont we do it your way then? Well arrange for this girl to move in across the hall from Dennis so he can pathetically moon over her for months on end. Leonard: Okay, that was uncalled for. Raj: You started it, dude. Gablehouser: Could I have everyones attention please. What a wonderful occasion this is. And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on take your daughter to work day. Were here to welcome Mr Dennis Kim to our little family. Sheldon (sarcastically): Welcome Dennis Kim. Gablehouser: Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stamford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stephenson Award. Sheldon: Youngest till the cyborgs rise up! Gablehouser: And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr Dennis Kim. Dennis! Dennis! Dennis: What? Gablehouser: Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research. Dennis: Um, no thanks. Im going to the mall with Emma. Gablehouser: Well, uh, well, uh. Leonard: The kid got a girl. Raj: Unbelievable.

Howard: Did anyone see how he did it? Sheldon (to Gablehouser): Dont worry, Ive got this. Ladies and Gentlemen, honoured daughters. While Mr Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivety, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me. Thank you. Howard: Hes back. Leonard: Yeah, mission accomplished. Raj: Forget the mission, how did that little yutz get a girl on his own? Howard: I guess times have changed since we were young. Smart is the new sexy. Leonard: Well, why do we go home alone every night, were still smart. Raj: Maybe were too smart. So smart its offputting. Howard: Yeah, lets go with that. Scene: The park. The four guys are carrying remote control rockets. Howard: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station, and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park. Leonard: I dont know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman you have to frisk me, I have a rocket in my pants. Raj: Hey, look at that. (There is a group of youngsters on the grass, laying about. One is playing a guitar. Dennis Kim is among them. He is drinking something from a bottle in a brown paper bag.) Its Dennis Kim. Howard: Wow, I almost didnt recognise him. Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him. (Dennis is now snogging the face off Emma) Leonard: Yeah, we really ruined his life. Sheldon: Screw him, he was weak.