Managing Conflict: A problem-solving process approach By: Bryant Jakeman, Mary Wright and Russell Root Salt Lake

Community College COMM 2110 February 22, 2013 Overview We are writing this paper to resolve a problem between a wife, husband, and exhusband on distrust issues. We will cover the following subjects: An overview, the five step problem-solving process, the conflict background with the type of conflict, a dialogue that did not use the problem-solving process, a dialogue that did use the problem-solving process and what the result was, a comparison of the results to each dialogue, a comparison of the style used in the dialogues, the challenges that we faced, how this can be applied to real life, and a wrapup/conclusion that include realistic outcomes. Collaboration as a means to manage conflict: Collaborating with someone you are in conflict with will better help resolve the outcome of the conflict. It will help you better concentrate on the topic at hand instead of the conflict triggers that cloud our perception. There are five steps in collaborative problem solving (Beebe, p.249-250). The first step is to define the problem. Defining the problem is knowing what you or your partner needs. The problem can be defined as time, financial, children, intimacy, and many other subjects that we all prioritize differently. Defining the problem is important because the conflict can easily stray from the intended topic to a subject that has nothing to do with the conflict at hand. It is especially important to know what the problem is when the conflict has been allowed to develop over a period of time. We may develop anger, malcontent, resentment, and other negative emotions that make us forget just what it is that we or our partner wants or needs. In their research at Harvard, Roger Fisher and William Ury found that entering into a conflict with the intent to solve a problem can better be accomplished using other oriented strategies. Their research suggest that you should: separate people from the problem, focus on shared interest, generate many options to solve the problem, and base decisions on objective criteria (Beebe, p.248-249). The first strategy to separate the people from the problem helps us to define the problem. I think it helps us to look past someones reputation, flaws, and superficial appearance. It is important to know what a conflict trigger is and how to manage these triggers when engaged in a conflict (Beebe, p.225). Avoid bringing up past conflicts gunny-sacking that have nothing to do with the current conflict (Beebe, p.243). Conflict triggers can lead to an ego conflict where personal attacks against each others self-esteem derail our progress on solving the problem (Beebe, p.229). Conflict triggers can be defined as: Receiving or giving criticism,

feeling entitled to something like a promotion or money, feeling you have been treated unfairly, or feeling you are giving more in a relationship than receiving. Stress and lack of sleep can easily lead to a heated argument and overshadow the root of the conflict making the problem harder to define. For example when partners argue about money they are most likely arguing about power. If we better manage our conflict triggers we can better navigate through a conflict and clearly define the problem. The second step in collaborative problem solving is analyze the problem. After you have defined the problem look at the conflict and break it down into individual components. By breaking the conflict down into components you and your partner will be able to better determine the conflict triggers that led to the conflict in order of occurrence. After you have broken the conflict down, you will be able to understand what degree of conflict you are having. It could be a pseudo-conflict, simple conflict, or an ego conflict being the most vicious of conflict types (Beebe, p.227-230). Self-reflecting is a way we can analyze our own emotions. By doing so you can find out why you were reacting emotionally and begin to manage your emotions and the conflict. Take time to breath, think of why you are becoming emotionally compromised, and decide to approach the conflict with empathy instead of anger. If you are not currently in a conflict but anticipate one, select an appropriate time and environment that will put you and the other party on equal ground. Plan what you are going to say after you have analyzed the problem. Analyze the other partys point of view. This is the empathetic approach. By understanding the point of view of the other party you can better understand why they feel the way they do. By the time you confront or are confronted you may already have a solution to the problem. Being other oriented helps us to stop and look or analyze the other parties nonverbal cues, listen for verbal cues, imagine the conflict from the other point of view, ask appropriate questions, and paraphrase the other parties point of view (Beebe, p.251). As in any relationship people bring along with them their pet-peeves. My spouse and I have been married for quite some time now. In the beginning we were both dependent on each other (Beebe, p.231). We needed each other to act and fulfill needs a certain way to be happy. We wanted to try and change each other to meet our needs. We were both poor communicators. Over the years we have learned to listen to each other and analyze our problems and prepare each other for a conflict. We have learned that conflict handled with empathy, is constructive and healthy for our relationship. We hardly ever have heated arguments anymore. We are able to resolve a conflict because we analyze it and get to the problem. When you argue, the problem never gets resolved and can spin a whole new web of conflicts. I have learned it is very important to analyze the wants and needs of both parties before going into a conflict. The third step is determine the goals. Every conflict is driven by a goal. If you don't know how to manage conflict, the goal may never be realized. Both parties involved in the conflict want to obtain a goal and because of the differences in the way we value or prioritize objects or relationships, our goals will eventually clash and become conflicts.

It is important to be other oriented when trying to obtain your goal. Researchers, Sandra Lakey and Daniel Canary found it very productive to be sensitive and aware of the other partys goals while managing a conflict. A study By J. L. Bevan(notes 101,p.393) also found that stating the need to help the other party obtain their goal, especially if the conflict is with a romantic partner, is more likely to be a positive experience in managing the conflict(Beebe, p.247). To identify your goal and the other partys goal simply speak the goal out loud to yourself and to each other. Make sure you help the other party stay focused and avoid Conflict triggers because some people may not be good at communicating. You may need to help them define their problem first. If you both don't verbalize your goals, it makes it harder to manage the conflict. I think it is also important to understand that goals cannot always be met in a way that pleases both parties. When you take time to listen to the other party you may find out you need to compromise because your goal is not the high priority. For example, a couple named Jack and Jill arguing over whether the heater should be turned on at night. Jack is too hot when sleeping. He wants the heater off. Jill needs the heater on because she feels sick. The conflict is the heater. The goal for these two individuals is sleep. Jack knows it is more important for Jill to heal from her sickness than for him to get a good nights rest. He decides to sleep without the blankets on. By analyzing the problem and using the empathetic approach at analyzing both sides with intent to meet each others goals, you can defuse the conflict into a mutual problem solving conversation. The Fourth step in the problem-solving process is to produce several solutions. An increased amount of solutions, will create a more substantial likelihood that the conflict will be handled with greater success and further find the best resolution to the problem. Why would you want to solve a solution when you know what you want? Your solution may make your partner very unsatisfied. This way you can find a solution that will create satisfaction for both of you, and move on with the problem with the best solution. (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014) In-order for one to increase the amount of solutions he/she could begin to engage in an organized brainstorm. Both communicators should work together to find a solution that will solve the problem on both ends (the best solution). The parties should be aware of the problem and how they both want it to be resolved. They should avoid being judgmental or letting their emotions get too involved because it can lead to greater problems. The parties should take the time on their own to jot down a few of their ideas and determine how the problem can be solved. When both of them have time to get away from their busy lives they should decide when they can sit down and talk about the problem. Rushing a situation will only lead to misunderstanding and more struggles while trying to solve the problem. Find one bizarre solution, you never know, it might be an excellent solution that works for both communicators. Both individuals should try to alter each others solution to fit their needs, hence fitting both individuals needs. Keep notes of all the ideas that are brought up. Look over the ideas and examine them again, which ones can you leave out or omit, can you join any together, or add additional ideas to. (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014)

The Fifth step in the problem-solving process is to pick the best solution. Revisit the desired outcome and what the issue as described in step three on managing the goals (Beebe, pg. 247, 2014). When selecting the best solution it should both cover the issue and the desired outcome creating a win-win situation and assess the needs of the other individual (Beebe, pg. 234, 2014). When both parties are not satisfied and after multiple attempts, it can help to get advice or another opinion from an outside source who will be open to both sides of the problem. The final solution requires all individuals to agree on one solution, even if it is not what was wanted in the first place. Background: Tiffany and Colby have been married for one year. She was previously married to Carl and has a son with her ex-husband who now lives in another state. Things have been going great, and they have given each other no reason to distrust one another. Her ex is coming to town, and he wants to go out to dinner alone to discuss some behavioral issues that their child has been having. It's not that Colby doesnt trust Tiffany but every time she spends time with her ex, Carl she is depressed because he is always putting her down as a parent. Dialogue A: Tiffany: Hey honey, Carl called today and said he will be in town this weekend. He wants me to meet him for dinner so we can talk some things over. Colby: Are you sure thats a good idea? Tiffany: Do you not trust me? He just wanted to discuss some of the issues that are going on at school with Chance. Colby: I just dont feel comfortable with that. Tiffany: Hes Chances father, he has a right to be involved. Colby: I know that. I just dont see why you have to go to dinner with him. Tiffany: Well Im going, I know you dont like him but whether you like it or not he is going to be involved. Colby: Youre just so inconsiderate! Dont you ever stop to think how it will make me feel? Tiffany: Not everything is about you! This is something I have to do. Colby: I cant even have this conversation right now, Im going out for a walk. Dialogue B: 1- Define the Problem: Tiffany: Hey honey, Carl called today and said he will be in town this weekend. He wants me to meet him for dinner so we can talk some things over. Colby: That is understandable, but that might not be a good idea. Comment: As in Dialogue A Tiffany and Colby want different things. Tiffany want to talk to Carl while Colby does not think it is a good idea. 2- Analyze the Conflict/Issue:

Tiffany: I understand that it might not make sense why I want to go to dinner with my ex but I think it would be a good idea to go talk to him about my son with his father while he is in town. We should decide together the best way for me to go talk to Carl. Colby: I see how this is important and needs to be handled, but I dont feel comfortable with you going to dinner with your ex-husband. Comment: Now that they are discussing with each other what is going on and their feelings instead of trying to empower each other. By doing this they are trying to find a foundation for a mutual understanding and further become other-oriented. 3- Determine the Goals Tiffany: Ok, then we need to decide how we can make you feel more comfortable with me going to talk to my ex-husband, because he needs to be involved since it is his son. Colby: Yes, that would be very helpful. We can decide when and where you talk to your exhusband. I feel that it would be best if you did not go to a late dinner with your ex-husband to talk about your son. I know that he is the father to your son and he deserves to be involved. We need to look at the entire situation as it will affect us as well as you and your ex-husband. I want to create the best environment possible. Comment: Tiffany and Colby explained what they want/their goals to each other instead of accusing one another. They have begun creating a considerable outcome to find the best way for Tiffany to meet with her ex-husband, Carl. They both understand the goals and know how they can work together to find the best solution. 4- Generate Many Solutions: Tiffany: We can decide where I meet Carl to talk about our son. Colby: What if we pick a time for you to meet so it is not so late at night. Tiffany: I can talk to Carl to see how long he is in town and what his schedule is like. Colby: I might feel more comfortable with it if you met for an early breakfast. Tiffany: That may not work with his schedule, I will have to find out when his plane arrives. Colby: Would you opposed to have him over here? I could stay out of the way to let you guys talk, I promise not to interrupt. I would feel comfortable knowing I was close by. Tiffany: I didnt think you would want him in the house. I dont see an issue with having him over, instead of us going out. Colby: Could your son go along with you when you talk to your ex-husband. Tiffany: I agree with that and yes my son will come, Im actually happy you mention that because it might be good for him. He should know of this problem and how his parents feel about it. How would you feel about coming along for lunch out instead of at the house, it could be good to have an outside point of view. I talked to Carl and we agreed that it would be a good idea. Colby: Yes I can come my lunch break is from 12-1:30 we can meet then. Tiffany: Perfect, and would you be comfortable if I needed to stay to continue to talk things over once you have to go back to work. Colby: Yes, of course just keep me updated

Comment: Their conversation continued to be open-minded. Tiffany and Carl try to come to a compromise that meets both of their goals. They piggy-back off of each others ideas letting each other know what is wrong with the ideas instead of just shutting them down. They both listen to each other and identify their problems and goals. They were able to plan on a time to sit down and talk as a group that would work for everyone this will help the conflict to not be rushed. (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014). 5- Pick the Best Solution: Tiffany: I feel like going out to lunch is the best solution. That way we dont have to change the time we were planning on meeting. Colby: I like knowing that I will be close by. I want you to know its not that I mistrust you, I just have a hard time with him putting you down as a mother. I will not give my opinion unless you guys agree to ask for it. Tiffany: I completely understand your hard feelings towards him, but Chance needs his father to be involved. Thank you for being so understanding. Colby: I know, Chance is a great kid and deserves to have his father around. Thank you for involving me. I know youre stressed out enough as it is. I love you. Tiffany: I love you too. Comment: Through following the conflict management process both Tiffany and Colby were able to come to a conclusion that they felt comfortable with. They thoroughly shared their feelings to each other to avoid further pseudoconflict. They honestly shared their feelings and ideas with each other to strengthen their relationship and come to an understanding with each other. (Beebe, pg. 227, 2014) Analyze: Below we will break apart and examine what separates these conversations from each other. Outcome: The outcomes in these dialogues are drastically different from each other. In the first dialogue Tiffany and Colby experienced a destructive conflict. They ended up only attacking each other instead of focusing on the challenge at hand (Beebe, pg.224, 2014). In the conclusion of the dialogue no outcome was reached, Tiffany made her demands and Colby chose to avoid the situation by going for a walk. This is an example of the demand-withdrawal pattern of conflict management (Beebe, pg. 235, 2014). In the second dialogue we see that the conflict tended to be more constructive. They still had the same issues but instead chose to focus on the problem not attack each other. They were able to learn more about each other and their goals. They also have strengthened their confidence that their relationship can handle conflict. These are all important aspects of constructive conflict (Beebe, pg.224, 2014). In the outcome of the second dialogue they reach a conclusion that they both are comfortable with. On top of reaching both of their goals, they further clear up any further pseudoconflict by clarifying their fears and reservations. Tiffany shows that her intent really is to

work some issues facing her and Carls son, not just spend time with her ex by showing she is willing to let Colby come along. Colby clarifies to Tiffany that he doesnt mistrust her, but that it bothers him when Colby puts her down. This clarification will clear up any future misunderstanding which could result in a pseudoconflict (Beebe, pg.228, 2014). Conflict Resolution Styles: In the beginning, Tiffany and Colby were having a Simple conflict (Beebe, p.228). The problem was not clearly defined yet. They both had a different opinion on the subject. In dialogue A, instead of trying to resolve the conflict, they began to attack each others selfesteem. It quickly moved from a simple conflict to an ego conflict (Beebe, p.229). Tiffany's style of managing conflict is competition (Beebe, p.237). She wants the end result to be only in her favor. She has created a win lose end result. Colby's style of conflict management is avoidance (Beebe, p.235). He would rather not talk about it and go for a walk. In dialogue B, Tiffany and Colby were able to focus on the problem. They used I language and empathy. After analyzing each others point of view they were able to see the importance of each others goals. To help each other obtain their goals they generated multiple solutions that satisfied both Tiffany and Colby. The end result was a collaboration style (Beebe, p.238). From this conflict we learn that more than one style can show up in a conflict. In dialogue A, each person was using their own style of conflict management to manage the conflict. The style of collaboration is the most effective. Challenges: The hardest challenge in the five step problem-solving process was generating many solutions. It was difficult to think outside of the box to add more solution options (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014). Once I was able to start thinking outside of the box it was easier to add more and more solutions. The more solution options the better. It no longer only involved when and where but a specific time, place, and people involved, as well as after one person left then what would happen. When trying to handle finding more solution I needed to take some time away from the conversation When I went back to the conversation a little a later and begin thinking about the entire conversation as a whole not only focusing on generating the solutions. I really needed to look into define the conflict (Beebe, p.248-249, 2014). Know what the conflict was and then to be open-minded and see both sides of the situation. When I was able to do this I totally changed my perspective. I was able to think what would help both Tiffany and Colby and satisfy both of their needs for a best fit solution for all involved. (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014). In the future I would pay more attention to all the step instead of focusing on one step at a time. When the whole picture is available instead of just a little scene it opens windows, and opportunities to create a solution to the conflict to best fit the needs for everyone and not just one individual (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014). This was more of a situation that was quick on the feet but I continue to push to take the time to solve the problem. The ex-husband was only going to be in town for the time being and Tiffany needed to talk to him about their son, yes their option were

limited but not to the point where all individuals could not be satisfied. After working through the problem solving process Dialogue B was created but also a best fit solution (Beebe, pg. 250, 2014). Application: Working on the proper steps to manage this conflict has equipped me with many skills to handle the conflict in my life. This conflict breaks down one of the common myths that I struggle with in my personal communication. This is an example that conflict cant alwa ys be avoided. Tiffany although remarried and in a different state is going to have to have at least some sort of relationship with her ex-husband. Colby has an issue with how her ex-husband treats her. When we are interdependent on another person particularly in marriage, not only do we accept all the things we love about our partner, but we must also deal with exes, in law's, bad credit, or whatever baggage they may bring with them (Beebe,pg.227,2014). There comes a point where we cant just brush things under the rug or ignore them. We have to sit down and strategize how both parties are going to benefit and grow from every conflict. No matter how large the conflict may seem if you tackle it using the proper steps there will be a compromise as long as both parties are willing to give a little. Conclusion: I find it fascinating at how complex communication can be once you break it down into the five step process. I can point out my strengths and what I could improve on. I can point out the type of conflict I am having. I am better able to recognize conflict triggers that interfere with conflict resolution. In consideration of my studies on this course, I have come to the conclusion that most people in this world do not know how to communicate properly. As a result we have created war, political dogma, prejudices, class warfare, and many other social conflicts that may never be resolved. It is my true opinion that most problems in the world would be resolved through empathy and understanding. Unfortunately, communication is not a high priority in the world. What you can control, is your own world. You have the power to turn conflicts into great constructive conversations.

Works Cited: Beebe, S., Beebe S., & Redmond, M. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others (7th Ed.). Boston: Pearson Publishers.