My Secret Love

Written by Charles F Burnell 2011

I look for you, everywhere I go. I see beautiful faces. I look to see if its your sile hi!ing in their
s"aces. #re you haunting e$ %ow !o I let go of a love I never ha!$ # I &ust searching out of habit,
or is there soething I e'"ect to fin!$
(ou were y sister. We coul! talk for hours, in our secret co!e.
%e)! think you were talking about sho""ing, as I listene! to how you !isclose! the !etails of your last
arguent, an! how you broke his nose. %e !i! not sus"ect. Its like we use! our in!s. We were so
!ee"ly connecte!. I coul! feel you insi!e e. *ven when we were iles a"art, you were in y heart.
(ou were y wifey. (ou)! coe an! stay for weeks, cooking an! cleaning, an! snuggling u" to e.
+ever !i! you kiss e, nor was there ra"i! breath. We a!e love "latonicly, through activity share!,
tie an! s"ace. #n! live! as one, as two, as faily. #n! then you)! go away.
I think you knew I love! you, how I cra!le! your every breath. ,laying an! teasing. Catering to your
whis. I care! for y won!erful wifey, an! aske! you to be ine.
(ou)! laugh an! sigh, an! say -you know that !ay will never coe..
#n! I think I know you love! e. Because you always returne!, to stay be y wifey, an! "lay with
y little girl. We even staye! a faily when y brother cae to live. #fter our o !ie!, you grew
closer still. (ou coul! see e falling har!er, begging for your han!. /till you !i!n)t falter an! insiste!
you nee!e! a an.
I a the an for you y !ear. I think I always was. (ou !i!n)t even know it, even when I trie! to show
it. (ou were the center, the star for which I s"in. (ou were center of y orbit, y 0ary 0ag!alene.
I want to wash your feet once ore. I want to wash your hair. I want to kiss your cheeks. I want to be
that an, that you roll over an! kiss in the orning. 1hat you iss when I)) not there.
But I will never be that an. (ou will never be y wife. (ou "ushe! e away, to save e. (ou knew
that soon you)! !ie. (ou knew how y heart woul! break, if you staye! an! let e love you. /o you
arrange! for soeone else to coe an! take your "lace. 1o watch over an! care for e, to snuggle an!
kiss y face.
(ou coul!n)t see the an, waiting "atiently for you, because I coul!n)t see the an. /o how coul! I
show hi to you$ (our sile an! eyes haunt e. I look for the everywhere. #n! then by acci!ent, I
notice how any beautiful siles there are out there. I know they aren)t yours, but soeties they feel
really great.
I think I a starting to get over you. I check to see their eyes. Is there a s"arkle, a story$ Can I see a
!oor$ Iagination kicks in an! I think about ore. *asily !istracte! by another beautiful girl. If she
siles for e again,I &ust ight get the nerve to s"eak u". /ay soething, aybe even flirt. It tubles
out. I) clusy. 1he ore I talk, the ore I blush,. I turn an! look away, half ho"ing she)! be gone
when I look back. /he)s siling an! I) gla! I) not alone. I ay even get to fuck her. /he is "retty. I
ay try. But when I start to get to know her, when I look insi!e. I fin! yself searching again, for
"ieces of you hi!ing.
2ur bon! was so flui!, so intiate an! true. 2urs is the o!el I have for love, an! I know I will never
fin! you. 1his is so frustrating. %ow !o you let go of soeone you never ha!$I) afrai! I)ll never
know.
I trie! to be roantic an! you ten!erly shot it !own. (ou never !i! give u" though. I gotta give you
that. 0aybe that is why I always see to fin! the woen who care for e, never can or will be ine$ I
want to break this cycle, but I !on)t know where to start. 0y heart is not in "ieces. Its not broken to be
fi'e!. What !o I nee!, a tune3u"$ Well, I) kin! of !oing that. I guess. I ean transitioning. Bat
!aitt4 Was I too late$
I know I) too late for y wifey, but I) not too late for yself. /o I kee" on looking, ho"ing I will
fin! a "rincess to worshi". /oeone balance!, beautiful, an! kin!. /oeone who can love e an! is
everything I nee!. 1o tell e to take an! the garbage an! rein! e to eat. 1o fi' y collar on y way
to work, an! a""reciate the way, when I return, I want to swee" her off her feet.
I will "ick her u" an! !ance her to whatever song is "laying. /he will tease e that I a !istracting her
fro whatever she is aking. #s we !ance aroun! the kitchen, I will kiss her "assionately. 1hen return
her back to where she was "reviously.
/he will be y wifey an! I will be her an.
5ike a !rea its a "u66le, in the greater schee of everything.
/oeties it feels i"ortant. /oeties its &ust a s"eck.
But in y heart, you)re a love, I never can forget.