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Clouded
Judgement

I was watching a BBC police drama the other day

in which a man was murdered. But when the police were inspecting the scene of the crime, I distinctly
saw the chest of the corpse moving up and down slowly.
The murder victim was being played by a live actor! Come
on, BBC, there are plenty of dead actors who could have
played this part more convincingly. John Thaw, for instance, or Victor Spinetti.
Frederick Treves, Luton

about ninety-five in dog years.

Do you want to live forever?
Terry Corrigan, e-mail

I used to love George

Why Is it that people
Michaels 1990 album
complain every time
Listen Without Prejudice. it rains, then bang on about
However, when I read that saving the rain forest? Surely
he had been arrested for they cant have it both ways?
cottaging in a public lavaAlan Heath, e-mail
tory, I threw the ruddy thing
straight in the bin.
I sImply ignore the
warnings on fag packets
Craig Scott, e-mail

which say that smoking reduces your life expectancy. They

have always tested fag smoking on beagles, so if youre
over sixty, youre actually

teers and spectators. Everyone except Morrissey enjoyed 17 days of spectacular sport, and now that its come to an end, your letters have been flooding in
telling us of your thoughts about the greatest Olympic Games ever held...

Why CanT medal winners at the

Olympics find the time to get changed
into a shirt and tie or nice dress before their
presentations? Wearing tracksuits makes
them all look scruffy and gives the wrong imI have enjoyed every minute of the pression to the kids they should be inspiring!
Wonderman, e-mail
recent 2012 London Olympics. The
only thing that spoilt it was the ladies beach
DurIng the Olympics, it was hard
volleybal. It was such lovely weather, and
not to notice that the American and
the competitors looked uncomfortably hot
Jamaican
male sprinters felt it necessary to
in their costumes. And its going to be even
hotter in Brazil in four years time. Perhaps at strut around, posing in front of the cameras
Rio 2016 they could keep cool by wearing after winning their races, rubbing it in the
something a little skimpier, or perhaps play faces of their fellow competitors. Id like to
think that should we ever produce another
in the buff.
H Doubleday, Lambton British sprinting champion, they wouldnt
feel the need to behave quite so arrogantly,
I agree with Mr Doubleday (above and would celebrate in a way that was typiletter). I felt very sorry for the lady cally British. Perhaps after crossing the finbeach volleyball players who were constantly ishing line he would be handed a smoking
having to tug at the legs of their bikini bottoms jacket, newspaper and slippers, before lightto release sand. It must become very tiring. ing a pipe and giving a knowing wink and
In Rio 2016, why dont they have someone smile to the camera.
who could do that for them, and perhaps
Matt Cham, e-mail
brush the sand from their cleavages so as
Who says the London Olympics
the players could concentrate on the game.
will not leave a legacy? Shooting
I would happilly do it. I wouldnt need to be
Gold Medalist Peter Wilson revealed that
paid, I would do it for the love of the sport.
Len Chilselhurst, Acton whilst on a train the other day, a boy was
scratching his eczema despite his mum tellThe BBC athletics commentator at ing him to stop. Wilson pulled out his gold
London 2012 said that Youll always medal and showed it to him. The boys face

OLYMPIC G
ROUND-UP

lit up and he stopped scratching. It is this sort

of inspirational tale that makes it all worth
while, and I for one hope that it is the first of
many manageable skin conditions that are
temporarily alleviated by Team GBs heroes.
Keef, Walthamstow

in front of a worldwide audience, the filthy

beast. God only knows what the Germans
must have thought. Then again theyd probably have put a glass coffee table under it,
the filthy beasts.
Brian Norcross, e-mail

ITs a fucking swiz. They give two

bronze medals in the same race because two competetors came joint 3rd. In
my opinion they actually came joint 4th and
both of them should of got fuck all.
R Ellis, e-mail

Like 99% of Britons, I didnt have the

foggiest idea who Bradley Wiggins
was until last week. Now I think he is without
doubt the greatest man ever to come from
these shores, so much so that I have decided
to name my son after him. Which is easier
said than done as hes been called Brian for
the last 42 years.
Ian Hunter, Newcastle

Ive jusT watched the Olympic closing ceremony and Im disgusted at

Freddie Mercury. His band were playing in
front of the entire world and he couldnt even
be bothered to turn up. Boo! Bad show, sir!
Nathanial, e-mail

havIng just watched Zara Phillips

in the Olympics, I feel that she would
have had a better chance of Gold if her horse
wasnt having a shit whilst jumping the first
two obstacles. I would have thought that a
horse belonging to the Royal family would
have gone to the toilet before competing live

WorldMags.net
8

so, the heavy rain in

July meant that racegoers were not allowed to
use the car parks at Silverstone racecourse for safety
reasons. Yet it was OK to
send people to a grand prix
in Bahrain. Its high time
Bernie Ecclestone decided
which side of the Health and
Safety fence he is on for once
and for all.
Donald troosers, e-mail

I recently purchased a new car and

paid an additional 200 for
electric windows. Imagine my
horror on delivery to discover
the windows were in fact made
of glass! No refund, no apology. No wonder they call it riphoW can Christian
off Britain.
men be against homoRichard Linley, e-mail sexuality but claim to love Je-

he london 2012 olympIc games have been called the greatest ever
T
seen, not just in terms of the spectacular medal haul by the host nation, but
in terms of the sporting spirit of the competitors and good humour of the volun-

remember where you were when you saw

Mo Farah take gold in the 10,000 metres.
And he was right, I certainly remember
where I was. I was lying on my sofa in my
underpants eating steak pie and chips.
Arthur Dury, Whitley Bay

Race
Issue

I jusT watched Mo Farrah line up

for his for his Olympic 10,000m final
and was shocked to see that he was wearing a gold chain! When I did PE at school I
had to remove my jewellery due to Health
and Safety. Once again its one rule for the
elite athletes and another for us at the grass
roots! Have a word Seb Coe!
Rossco Peako, e-mail

I agree with Mr Peakos letter (above).

If my old games teacher Mr Fenton had
been in the crowd, he would have stepped out
and insisted Mo removed the chain. Then he
would have given him a couple of whacks
across the buttocks with a plimsoll. And had

Dramatic
WorldMags.net
Jobs Boost
FooL your next door neighbour
into thinking its green bin week
by putting your green bin out
before they get back from work.
Borris Hoddinot, e-mail
oLymPIC commentators. Avoid
general public opprobrium and
the severe disdain of the emergency services by NOT saying
he is literally on fire when, in
fact, you mean he is metaphorically on fire.
Toby Tyke, e-mail

STRUggLINg with increasing

petrol prices? Save pounds by
simply half filling your tank with
stones before you next fuel up!
Desulph Daz, e-mail

AN oCToPUS makes an ideal

comfy non-slip bathmat. Simply
scoop-out any annoying unwanted bits, and fix the tentacles
to the base of the bath.
Steve Jefferson, e-mail
WINdoW cleaners. Save time
by simply placing a bucket under the kitchen drain of each
house you service. Next time
you go, there will be a full bucket
of water saving you the bother

Going
Loco

sus who was a man? Answer

that one, so-called Archbishop of Canterbury.
Ross Kennett, e-mail

Why is it that in modern society its socially

acceptable to have a collection
of vibrators with veins, lumps
and nobbles all over them, but
mention that you have an electric vibrating vagina at home
and the conversation dies?
Gilbert Nadpants, e-mail

of carrying a bucket around and

asking for it to be filled. Save
even more time by leaving a ladder at every house too.
Tex, Burnley
SToP your cat from scatching everything in the house and
crapping in your garden by making it live in a cage with your
budgie. If you have two cats, use
a parrot cage.
P McIntyre,
e-mail

radio. To make things worse,

I could also make out the
theme tune to Whats the
Story in Balamory? coming
from the next room. Can any
other readers beat this for a
hell on earth experience?
Gary Sprake, e-mail

iF The Government is
serious about improving the countrys economy,
they should hire TV soap
scriptwriters as consultants.
Not only have they managed
to achieve full employment
(including the 16 -25 year old
group) in both inner-city and
rural areas, but no-one ever
has to travel further than the
end of their street to get to
work. Its worth a thought,
Mr Cameron.
Tom ONeil, e-mail

Continued over...

Why should I have

to stand up on the train
on the way home, so that
unemployed people can sit
down? It really makes me mad.
J Jensen, e-mail

i Work from home.

I wonder what people
FolloWing George who believe a womans place
Formbys advice, I is in the home make of that.
went to the seaside yesterday
Christina Martin, e-mail
for a little stick of Blackpool
rock. Imagine my disappointThe oTher day I
ment when the lady behind
found myself slightly
the counter said they didnt drunk attempting to put a
sell it. Thats the last time I king size duvet into a new
cover, whilst a Michael Bolhe forgotten his kit, he would have been go to Great Yarmouth.
forced to run his medal-winning race in
Bobby Bowels, e-mail ton song was playing on the
the biggest pair of shorts from the lost
property box. That would have taken the
shine off his victory somewhat.
R Marmalade, Nottingham

AMES
2012

i Broke down in my traction engine the other day

and while I was waiting for the AA man to turn up, who
should appear but the ghost of the late puppeteer and amateur
TV aerial repair man Rod Hull, all dressed in white like he
was, but still holding that damn emu. Sidney Spanner, e-mail

I was looking forward to the

Olympic Taekwondo fights. The
thought of seeing competitors leaping
several feet into the air screaming oriental threats and oaths at one another, the
staves and rice flails being wielded, the
wounds and bruises inflicted by those
masters of the martial arts was all very
exciting. Imagine my disappointment
when it turned out to be nothing more
than glorified arse kicking contests.
Mike Chase, Lowestoft

SyNChRoNISEd
swimming
would be a lot more interesting
if the beaming contestants performed
their sport naked. And got out of the
pool. And performed sex acts on each
other. International Olympic Committee
please take note.
Jim Alsopps chum, e-mail

ave you ever wondered what it would be like to

cycle 3,500 miles in just 3 1/2 weeks? Neither have
we, and we dont intend to find out. But one couple
who will be are Newcastle-born Tri-athlete Phil Gray
and ex-Newcastle united left-back Robbie Elliott.
The adventurous pair will be risking permenant buttock damage
by cycling between all 8 football
clubs managed by Sir Bobby
Robson. But theyre not mental,
because the intrepid duo will be
attempting the feat in support of
The Robbie Elliott Foundation
which is raising funds for the Sir
Bobby Robson Foundation and
Breakthrough Breast Cancer.
The two fundraisers start their
journey in October at Sporting
Lisbon in Portugal and cycle
1,160 miles via FC Porto to Barcellonas Nou Camp. The numbbuttocked iron men will then
begin a 1,500 mile trek to PSV
Eindhoven in The Netherlands.

Then its aboard a cross-channel

ferry where bike saddles will betemporarily replaced by a pile of
cushions in the bar.
Arriving in England, the saddlesore duo will get back on their
bikes and head for Fulhams
Craven Cottage and on to Wembley, stopping off at a chemists
in Acton to buy some pile ointment. Then, perhaps wishing Sir
Bobbys managerial career had
been spent within a smaller geographical radius, the pair will pedal
100 miles to Ipswichs Portman
Road, followed by the final 380
mile push to Sir Bobbys spiritual
home of Newcastle Uniteds St
James Park.

WorldMags.net
9

KaleelZibe.com

Sore Arses Ahead

for Geordie Pair!

ou can join Phil and Robbie in their

Y
venture and still keep your arse in one
piece by making a donation. You can con-

tribute by texting TREF03 and the amount

you want to give to 70070. Or simply visit
the website at www.bikeforbobby.com for
full details of how to give a bit of cash.

WorldMags.net
Kim
people will think you are a psychopath rather than a germophobe.
Carl F, e-mail

Day
For a

School bullies. Ensure maximum tear production from your

victims by punching them with a
halved onion in your clenched fist.
Tam Dale, e-mail

eve all wondered

W
what it would be like if
we were Kim for a Day. But
which Kim would you be,
and how would you spend
your 24 hours as Kim? We
asked a random selection of
stars of stage and screen and
asked them who would they
be and what would they do if
they were Kim for a day...
Eddie Izzard
Bilingual comedian
I love dressing
up in womens
clothes and Ive got
a wardrobe full of
bras and dresses. However, when
I put them on, I never fill them because I havent got womens tits.
So if I could be a Kim for a day,
Id be Kim Kardashian because
shes got massive knockers. Id
spend the day trying on all my
frocks and looking at myself with
a heaving cleavage in the bedroom mirror.
Bono
Pop bellend
The people of
North Korea live
under a brutal dictatorship who ban the
use of the internet to deny them
information. It breaks my heart
because these oppressed people
have probably never heard of me.
Id love to be North Korean ruler
Kim Jong-Un for a day. Id announce that everyone could use
the internet to read all about me
on Wikipaedia, look at some U2
vidos on YouTube, or download
some of my songs on iTunes.
That means that by the end of
the day, everyone on the planet
would know of me.

I want a pencil because Jimmy Hill is in

my pub hiding on a pump.
David Barke, e-mail

Apple
Fart

whIlst pinching one

out at work today, a
colleague entered the cubicle
next to me and inadvertently
triggered the Siri voice command on his phone. At precisely the same time I emitted
a very long, baritone teethrattler, a bit like a castle door
opening in a Hammer horror
film. Anyway, Siri told my
colleague that he didnt recognise the command. I mean,
come on Apple, keep up with
the demand of the consumer
market will you?
Ross Urmston, e-mail

GeNTleMeN. Dont waste time

on the toilet having a dump. Tell
your wife you are going to do
some gardening, and then drop
your faeces out of your trouser
bottoms like the tunnel diggers
in The Great Esape.
Mac Immingham, e-mail
SiNG Happy Birthday to yourself twice in a row as you wash
your hands in a public restroom.
That way you know you have
scrubbed for 30 seconds, and
week I got an iPad, a 48-inch
plasma TV and six bottles of
scotch for a hundred quid.
T Harwood, Doncaster

If chImney sweeps
are considered to be
so lucky, how come most of
them went bankrupt in the
70s with the advent of gas
and electric fires?
T Corrigan, e-mail

Holes in
the Plot

Good fences make

good neighbours as
In the porn film Pathe old saying goes, and I
tricia Diamond - Testing
couldnt agree more. Last The Tools, we see a rather nice

ice creaM sellers. Play a practical joke by cooking a vat of

mashed potato and serving it to
anyone who orders vanilla flavour. Burned cocktail sausages
can be used as a substitute for
flakes
H Sherwood, e-mail
They Say that bread always
lands buttered side down. So
simply dont butter it until after its
been picked up off the floor.
Terry Corrigan, e-mail
JoBSeeKerS. Feel like a famous celebrity the next time
you sign on by signing a
large, extravagant autograph
in marker pen and adding All
the best xx.
Ross Hendrick, e-mail

lady get triple

penetrated by
3 or 4 gentlemen in what
appears to be
a fish factory.
She puts in a
good session,
but I dont understand why
she is actually
visiting the fish
factory in the
first place and
why there arent any other
visitors there. I like to see a bit
of red hot action as much as
the next man but I also need
a believable storyline so I can
connect with the characters.
Boss Hogg, e-mail

The Chuckle
Brothers
Comedy twosome
If we were Kim for a
day, both Barry and
I would be Swedish International midfielder Kim
Kllstrm. Weve long admired
the FC Spartac Moscow goal
machine for his pace and his
mastery of the long shot. If me
and my Chuckle brother were him
for a day, wed go to somebodys
house to do some decorating, and
Barry would push the step ladder
through a glass window. Then Id
spill a bucket of wallpaer paste on
his head before painting someones face blue with a paint roller
as they stood in a doorway.

WorldMags.net
10

olD laDieS. Relive the nostalgia of the War by eating only

Oxo cubes and sleeping on the
floor of a Tube station, having
left the gas on so your house
has exploded when you get
home in the morning. Just like
the good old days.
Capt. Mainwaring, e-mail
KiDS. Why not make a trip to
the supermarket more interesting by using the nutritional
information on packets to play
Top Trumps? If the product on
the shelf beats the one in your
mums trolley, swap them over.
S Stacker, e-mail

I thInk you had a

shit shop front competition a few years ago.
This must be the worst
plumbers shop front I have
ever seen.
SFW Geek, e-mail

WorldMags.net
e our Say
Big Twat Strikes Again!

Have Yo S

Statue?
No, its me!

I vIsIted New York in 1997

and I went to see the Statue
of Liberty. So I was delighted to see
a photograph of it on page 48 of issue 218 (On This Day). I couldnt believe my eyes when I looked at three
tiny figures at the bottom left of the
statue as Im pretty sure that the one
in the middle is me! Im not sure
who the other two people either
side of me are, however, as I
thought I was on my own at
the time. Perhaps I went with
two friends, I cant remember.
Jason Wristwhiskers, Surrey

Smiths Frontman Slams Nazi Brits

n his Own fan website, outspoken pop twat Morrissey

O
recently sparked outrage when he launched a blistering
attack on the London Olympics. the former smiths front-bellend

claimed that the country was now foul with jingoism, adding
that the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout britain.
his words were angrily denounced, but does he have a point? Did the populations
wholesale embrace of the 2012 games spill over from innocent enjoyment into
genocidal nazism? Or was Morrissey talking out his arse as usual? we went out on
the street to find out what the Great british public had to say on the matter...

I was looking foward

to my free fling with a
Spanish waiter and was disappointed to find the
offer
was
only open
to ladies.
What about
your gay readers who fancy a
Spansih waiters tap-ass?
Sex hungry Bruce, Cambridge

My
gIrlfrIend
has just left me, saying I was a useless tosser. If

youre reading this Moira,

check out some of my eBay
feedback. Welcome back
anytime, 5 stars, Great
eBayer, perfect, A credit
to eBay. Useless tosser? I
dont fucking think so.
Terry, e-mail

UP THE ARSE
Sender:
Richard Happer,
e-mail

Sender: Al Campbell,
e-mail

Sender: Eddie do I
win 5? Flynn, e-mail

C
O
R
N
E
R

...iM a spOrts fan, but

I must admit that I think
Morrissey has a point. I got
tickets to see Canada versus
Switzerland in the qualifying
rounds of the ladies football
competition at St James Park,
and Im pretty sure I saw one
of the stewards trying to round
some Jews up at half time.
Hampton Laidlaw,
plumbers mate
...MOrrissey was 100%
right in what he said. At the
opening ceremony, I was
disgusted to see athletes from
Grenada and Tuvalu being
forced to walk behind flags
bearing yellow stars. The
sickening spectacle brought to
my mind the horror of Hitlers
Final Solution, and I had to
leave the room until Paul
McCartney came on. Then I
had to leave the room again
when he started singing.
Yolande Chertsey,
apprentice tree surgeon
...MOrrissey should
be given a knighthood for
speaking up. Whilst the
rest of the country sat back
like sheep and allowed
itself to enjoy a fortnight of
spectacular sport, only he
managed to see the bigger
picture, recognising that
London 2012 was nothing
more than a re-run of the
Holocaust.
Charlton Piles,
optometrists labourer

...weLL saiD Morrissey. I

lost my parents, grandparents
and many other relatives in the
death camps at Auschwitz and
Treblinka. It was only when
I saw Team GB taking gold
in the Team Dressage event
that the full enormity of the
atrocities perpetrated against
my family by the Third Reich
was brought home to me.
Transom Hirschfeld,
rostrum cameraman
...MOrrissey was quite
correct. I grew up in Germany
during the 1930s and
witnessed at first hand the
vile acts of the Hitler Youth.
After the war, I thought times
had changed and we had
learned the hard lessons
that the mistakes of the past
had taught us. I was looking
forward to a brighter future,
but when I saw my grandson
leaping up and down with
delight as Mo Farah crossed
the line to take his second
gold, I realised we had learned
nothing at all, and history is
just going to go on repeating
itself.
Eva McTavish, Lady
Mayoress
...i cOuLDnt agree more
with Morrissey. At the opening
ceremony, the smiles on the
faces of the athletes brought
to mind the smile on the
face of Hitlers deputy Josef
Goebbels in that picture of him
when hes smiling. It chilled

superMarkets. Help reduce childhood

obesity by putting parent and child parking
spaces as far from the door as possible to
make the lazy bastards walk.
Gingergav, e-mail
wannabe Spies. Communicate with your
neighbours using Morse Code messages fOOL your neighbours into thinking you
by switching your lights on and off
have an expensive wind chime by simply
Mark Walton, e-mail playing a few odd notes on a glockenspiel
in your garden when its windy.
recreate the excitement of Alfred HitchMatt haines, e-mail
cocks The Birds by walking down Llan-

fOOL your friend into thinking that he is a

Formula 1 driver, by commentating on everything he does in a Murray Walker voice.
Robin Shaw, e-mail
OLyMpic drug cheats. Finish last in the
event you are taking part in to avoid suspicion from the dope testers.
Mr Moxton, e-mail

DOnt waste money on expensive moist

toilet tissue. Simply take a standard sheet
of toilet paper and run it under a tap.
dudno seafront with an open tray of chips. if yOur eyes water when chopping onLee Healy, e-mail
C Dodgson, Oxford ions, try cutting up mushrooms instead.

WorldMags.net
11

my blood and I was unable

to watch any of the games
after that. Except the womens
beach volleyball.
Pete Glans,
Unemployed headhunter
...i cOuLDnt agree more
with Morrisseys statement.
Everyone who took part
in the Olympics should be
brought to justice for their part
in the games in a series of
Nuremberg-style trials. Whilst
the gamesmakers, volunteers,
athletes and spectators will
all doubtless claim they were
merely following orders,
anyone found guilty should
be hanged or at the very least
imprisoned in Spandau jail for
the rest of their life.
Una Toes,
Anal hygienist

WHAT DO

YOU
THINK?

Morrissey says that the

British people behaved
like nazis during the
Olympics, but what
do you think? Is he a
bellend or a twat?
Text BELLEND or TWAT
to 018118055.
Last weeks Morrissey
text-in results:
Arsehole; 100%
Wanker; 100%.

The tears will disappear, and your dishes

will taste completely different, too.
King Bolete Fungi, e-mail
DOnt waste time and money on large tattoos. Have small ones and continuously
graze on cakes, lard and cola and. Hey
Presto! A large tattoo for the same price.
Reggie, e-mail

I
WorldMags.net

ts the debAte thats driving wedges into the heart

of britains communities, sending divorce rates
rocketing and splitting families asunder from Lands
end to John OGroats: Who is the greatest Armstrong?
Is It Moon Man Neil who to took one small step into the history
books in 1969? Perhaps its cyclist laNce who pedaled his way
into the record books by winning the tour de France seven times.
or is it boys action figure Stretch who provided children with
a few minutes of mild pleasure in the 1970s? now its time for the
worlds leading Armstrongs to go head to head to head in a threeway Armstrong Wrestling Contest that will decide once and for all...

Astronaut and
Neil NASA
first man on the Moon
FeW peOpLe have travelled further than Astronaut Neil, who drove
his rocket Apollo 11 all the way to the Moon and back in 1969, a total of
half a million miles - thats the equivalent of travelling to the Moon and
back. But nagging questions remain as to whether the crew ever went
into space at all, and many people believe that rather than the Moon,
Armstrong and his cronies faked their whole mission on a Hollywood
film set.

Score: 4

As the only man to walk on the Moon, Neil was one of the few people on
Earth who experienced limb ductility. In the vacuum of space, Armstrongs
arms and legs would have become considerably longer in the absence
of gravity. However, whilst experiencing the high blast-off G-forces in his
Saturn 5 rocket, his limbs would have become much shorter. In the end,
the two effects would have cancelled each other out, so its a mediocre
score for the late lunar pioneer.

Score: 5

thrOuGhOut his NASA career, Armstrong

was notorious for having no sense of balance,
even managing to fall over on the Moon where
there is no gravity! Cape Canaveral boffins were
forced to abandon plans for a Judge Dredd-style
lunar motorbike when they found out it would be
Armstrong at the controls. Instead they opted for
a more stable four-wheeled Lunar Rover.

Score: 3

Its A recorded fact that Project Apollo astronauts were routinely plied
with drugs prior to blasting off on their week-long Moon missions. But they
werent ripped to their spaceman tits on squidgy black, crystal meth or
anabollock steroids, they were simply drugs to bung them up, as NASA
boffins had yet to develop a toilet which could cope with solid motions in
the weightless vacuum of the lunar module.

Score: 7

ALthOuGh he never officially competed in the famous French road

race, astronaut Neil famously flew to the Moon and back in a rocket - a
distance of 500,000 miles. Thats the equivalent of pedaling 250 monthlong Tour de Frances back to back ... in a week! Neils prodigious feat is
still unmatched in the field of professional cycling, so its a giant leap in
points for the late Moon-walker.

Score: 7

Oh dear! Neil may have taken one small step for

man on the Moon, but he was unable to take the
giant leap he needed to win this competition, and
gets brought back down to earth with a bump.

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TOTAL

28

WorldMags.net

WHO is the worlds

best ArmstrOng?
Lance

Stretch Elastic toy

7-times winner of
the Tour de France

Round 1: TRAVEL
During his illustrious sporting career, cyclist Lance has put in more
than half a million miles in the saddle - equivalent to pedalling all
the way to the Moon and back. So youd be forgiven for expecting a
high score in this round. However, as his record of winning cyclings
most coveted prize shows, Armstrong has only ever been to France,
where he has competed in the famous Tour de race seven times.

Score: 3

A bAD start for Stretch, who rarely travelled anywhere except the
short distance from the Argos shop to a childs house, and then a few
months later from the house to the Oxfam shop, a total distance of
perhaps 20 miles - equivalent to travelling 10 miles towards the Moon
and back. However, as an inexplicably successful toy brand, Stretch
Armstrongs were available in every country on the planet, making
him the unexpected winner of this round.

Score: 7

Round 2: LIMB DUCTILITY

Limb ductility would be a real disadvantage for Lance Armstrong. If
theres one thing a racing cyclist needs, its consistency of arm and leg
length during a race. In a highly competitive sport where mere seconds
can mean the difference between taking the yellow jersey and finding
yourself at the back of the peloton, having to stop every few miles
while his dad altered the height of the saddle and handlebars would
spell disaster.

Score: 2

ThAnks to his limbs that could be drawn out to great lengths, one
might expect Stretch to romp home the winner in this, his specialist
round. However, the dictionary definition of ductile is of a metal,
capable of being drawn into a wire. Armstrongs admittedly stretchy
limbs were made of siilcone and polymers rather than metal and so
were not technically ductile at all. Consequently, its a big zero for the
ductile-limbed action figure.

Score: 0

Round 3: BALANCE
Five-sevenThs of the word balance is
Lance, so youd expect this Armstrong to have
a good sense of it. And youd be right, for the
seven-times Tour de France winner can ride a
bike which has extremely thin wheels for miles
on end without falling off. Not only that, he can
also do no hands and sit on the handle bars
and pedal backwards. And do wheelies.

Score: 8

ALThough symmetrical, Stretch Armstrong is top

heavy and has extremely small feet. Added to this,
his non-Newtonian fluid-filled legs have no inherent
rigidity, meaning he is unable to balance unaided for
more than a couple of seconds at a time. However,
the box he comes in has a flat, square base so it can
be stacked on toy shop shelves, ironically making
him the most stable of the three.

Score: 9

Round 4: DOPING ALLEGATIONS

The WorLD of professional cycling is regularly rocked by drugs
scandals, and throughout his career, Lance has not been immune
from suspicion. And unluckily for him, despite never having taken any
performance enhancing pharmaceuticals to aid his capabilities, he
was recently banned for life and stripped of all his titles by the US Anti
Doping Agency USADA.

Score: 5

WiTh his ripped physique, large jaw and invisible genitals, Stretch
Armstrong looks like a prime candidate for steroid abuse. However, if you
thought the flexible toy was full of exotic muscle-building chemicals and
banned substances youd be quite wrong, for squeaky-clean Stretchs
rubber skin is actually filled with gelled corn syrup - a substance which
athletes are allowed to consume perfectly legally.

Score: 2

Round 5: TOUR DE FRANCE WINS

DespiTe crossing the finish line in first place an unmatched seven
times, its a disappointing nil pwa in this round for the multiple Tour de
France winner. Following unfair doping allegations based on rigorous
scientific analysis of blood samples, Lance has recently been stripped
of his titles and his seven victories have been struck from the sporting
records.

Tour De FrAnce records only go back to 1905, when the race was
won by French cyclist Maurice-Francois Garin. Its quite possible that
Stretch Armstrong could have entered and won the competition on
many occasions prior to that date; we will simply never know. In the
absence of any evidence, it seems only fair to give him the benefit of the
doubt, and he gets a middling score in this round.

On yOur bike, son. Lance may have been King of

the Mountains seven times, but sadly King of the
Armstrongs is a title that will forever elude him as
his bid to win falls as flat as one of his tyres.

HOOrAH! Stretch pulls out to win by a short neck

and two extremely long arms. When the historians
of the future look back at the Chronicles of the
Armstrongs, theyll see that Stretch went out on a
limb to pull off the greatest victory of all time.

Score: 0

TOTAL

18

Score: 9

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TOTAL

27

St.Ella
WorldMags.net
The Lives of the Saints

of Artois

In the Middle Ages a humble shepherd named Ella lived near Artois
dAquitaine in northern France. The village was sorely afflicted by a terrible
plague of boilers, pigs and hounds. The women were so ugly that the local
men could not bring themselves to go courting with them. As a result, they
were very sad, and their cods were like unto two tins of Fussells milk.

One day, Ella went up into the hills to look for a sheep that had wandered from his flock. On a quiet pathway he
came across a cask of strong lager that had fallen from the back of a passing tumbril cart. The day was hot and the
shepherd was thirsty, so he stopped to quaff a pint of the beer. It tasted good and made him feel happy. Thank-you
Lord for your bounteous gift of ale, he said.

The Patron Saint of

Strong Lager

RefReshed and light of heart and head, he ventured forth into the town to seek company. In a tavern, he met a
woman but was repulsed by her ugliness, for she did indeed have a face like a sack of spanners. But the Lord spake
unto Ella, saying, Fear not. Trust in me and have another pint, for I move in mysterious ways my wonders to perform.

ella dId as God had

ordained, and as he
drained his glass an
amazing thing happened,
for the woman no longer
appeared quite as fugly as
once she had, even though
she still did look quite
rough, to be fair. My
God, thou hath wrought a
wondrous change in this
woman through the beer
thou hast given me, he
cried. Even though I still
wouldnt touch her with
Yours.

But GOd bade the shepherd to keep drinking of the lager, and as he did, a miraculous transformation occurred. For
the more he drank, the more attractive the woman became. Until yea, after the eighth or ninth pint, she was truly a
stunner. Ella fell to his knees and raised his glass on high, crying out in a loud, slurred voice, saying Hallelujah, for I
have pulled a gorgeous bit of muff.

ella enjOIned the woman to come back to his dwelling for a coffee and the rest, and lo, they knew each other
like knives. After he had shot his bolt, the shepherd immediately fell into a deep sleep, waking only six times during
the night to get up for a slash.

In the morning, Ella awoke and gazed upon the woman in his bed. But now she was no longer beautiful and once
again had a face like a cows arse. Even though his head was sorely vexed with a throbbing ague, Ella raised his voice
unto the heavens, crying Christ Almighty. How did I manage to do that? And
at that moment he knew it had truly been a miracle brought about by the beer.

eveRy Friday night in every town in Christendom, that incredible miracle of transubstantiation still occurs, when
young men drink copious drafts of strong lager and cop off with Keira Knightley, only to wake up with Olive off On
the Buses snoring away in their fart sack.

WorldMags.net
Next Week: St. Greavesie, Patron Saint of Football Pundits
14

WorldMags.net

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WorldMags.net

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WorldMags.net
L

Why the Man in the Moon

was the Hero in our Hearts

ook up brave in the

dictionary and you will
find just one word. Neil
Armstrong.

Look up hero in the dictionary

and you will find just one word. Neil
Armstrong.
Look up astronaut in the dictionary
and you will find just one word. Neil
Armstrong.
For Neil Armstrong was all of them
things and more. Much more. Much
much more. Much much more than
brave. Much much more than a hero.
And, yes. Much much more than a
astronaut.
Who can ever forget that day (subs
look up date) back in (look up year)
when Neil Armstrong took one small
step for man. But he didnt just take
one small step for man. He also took a
giant leap for mankind.
And now, 48 (check this) years later,
he has taken another small step.
A small step into the abyss of the
unknown. A giant leap into the void of
the hereafter.

This hero who bestrode the skies like

a Colossus of Rhodes has taken one
more flight into the heavens. But this
time he hasnt went to the Moon. He
has gone to sit at Gods right hand.
When I heard he had been taken
from us at the tragically young age
of 82, I wept. I wept tears of sadness,
tears of melancholy, tears of woe.
I cried enough tears to fill the Sea

of Tranquility on the Moon, where

Armstrong landed his rocket all those
years ago.
And those tears of sadness,
melancholy and woe (enough to fill the
Sea of Tranquility) took me back to my
childhood. For Armstrong was not just
an astronaut. He was an inspiration.
He was an inspiration to the world.
But his inspiration broke free of the
earthly bounds to which mankind had
been fettered for countless generations
past. For his inspiration reached out
from the earth and into the Cosmos.
His inspiration reached out to the
edge of the Universe. And beyond.
He was a hero to a generation of boys.
Boys like me. Boys like my friend Mark
Whiting.
Boys like Mark Whitings friend

Andrew Billings. Boys like Andrew

Billingss friend Stephen Ogleby, who
I didnt really know very well and
only saw at Andrew Billingss birthday
parties.
Neil Armstrong inspired us all to
reach for the stars. But few of us could
imagine the bravery required to sit in
a tin can on top of a mile-high Saturn
5 rocket on the launch pad at Cape
Carnival, as the countdown begun.
Twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twentyseven, twenty-six, twenty-five, twentyfour, twenty-three, twenty-two, twentyone, twenty, nineteen, eighteen,
seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen,
thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine,
eight, seven, six, five, four, there thats
499 words but I did 501 last week about
him off the darts. Invoice enc.

Government Steps in to
T
Halt Albarn
HE BRITISH POP industry was in meltdown last night as the government
was forced to call in the army in an attempt to stop Blur frontman Damon Albarn
from starting any more bands. The London
boroughs of Hackney and Whitechapel saw
troops on the streets with orders to stop the
musician from collaborating on musical projects at all costs
In an emergency debate
at the house of commons,
Culture Secretary Jeremy
Rhymes With Hunt told
fellow MPs, Albarn must be
stopped. It was fine when he
only had forty or fifty bands,
but hes showing no sign of
slowing down.
He continued: The pop
industry must be a level playing field, but with Albarn
now occupying nearly 30%
of the British musical landscape, hes in danger of distorting the market.
ECLECTIC
General Sir David Richards, the chief of UK defence staff, explained, The
problem is that we dont
know where hell strike next.
Albarn is deliberately eclec-

EXCLUSIVE!
tic, so his collaborations are
almost impossible to predict,
and that puts the public at a
terrible risk.
ELECTRIC
After troops were deployed,
guards were placed around
Jessie J, the North London
Gospel Choir and the seeing
one from Peters & Lee, with
Hunt giving the OK for a
shoot-to-kill policy if Albarn
comes anywhere near them
with a song.
The official alert level has
been elevated to Code
Black for the first time since
Albarn had dinner with
Sting in July 2009. During
that crisis, the Navy were put

on
forty-five
minute standby
in case the songwriter
attempted to collaborate
on a shantie.
But a furious Albarn hit
back, singing: Im not taking this lying down. I will use
any means at my disposal to
start more bands. And in the
meantime, its business as
usual for me.
He then started another
band before heading to his
studio in West London to
start another one.
CHEESE
Cheesemaking pal Alex
James last night appealed
for calm, saying Damon
needs help. This is nothing
new. Even when we were

Keep Calm and Carry On

starting bands - Albarn
yesterday

in Blur, Damon was doing

this.
I remember, when we were
recording Parklife, he said he
needed the loo, and he didnt
come back for twenty minutes. So I went to look for him
and I found him in the studio
toilet starting another band.
After that, we insisted someone always went to the loo
with him. But even that didnt
stop him. He once locked
himself in a cubicle and started a band with a bottle of Toilet Duck and one of his shoes

WorldMags.net
19

and they recorded an album

of piss noises. Mojo gave it
five stars.
And when Blur were gigging in Japan, we found out
by chance that hed started
three bands on the tourbus.
Him and the two drivers had
made an album while the rest
of us were in a restaurant.
Albarns statement, the first release by his new a capella band
The Business As Usual, featuring Albarn and the journalist
who wrote this article, is now
available on iTunes.

Downtools Abbey
WorldMags.net

The Haves and the Have-nots: Cast

members strike over unequal pay.

Historic Drama
Stars Strike over
Pay & Conditions

Trouble arose when writer By Our TV Correspondent

Fanny Akimbo
Julian Fellowes insisted the
pay of actors in the series,
which pulls in eleven million
viewers each week, should
accurately reflect the wages
of the characters they were
playing. Fellowes told TV
Quim magazine: In the
interests of realism, I feel it is
important that the domestic
staff are paid exactly what
they would have been paid
Actor Carter: 120-hour week.
back in the 1920s.
But the controversial decision
bitter
to cut pay has led to unrest
It may lead to resentment, amongst the cast. Jim Carter,
but back in the olden days who stars as butler Carson in
when Downton Abbey is set, the show, was privately said to
the below-stairs employees be fuming after his pay was
were often very bitter about slashed to a mere 15 shillings
their lot. If I can foster this (75p) per episode. And other
emotion in the actors and it actors have fared even less
comes out onscreen, then that well, with Sophie McSheara
will be fabulous, he gushed. who portrays scullery maid

Daisy now on less than 6d

(21/2p) for a 40-hour week
of rehearsals and shooting.
Meanwhile Hugh Bonneville,
their onscreen employer Lord
Grantham, is coining it in on a
salary estimated at more than
15,000 guineas for each show.

he filming of the latest series of

smash iTV drama Downton Abbey has
been disrupted after angry actors walked
off set. Talks over pay and conditions broke
down when performers playing domestic
staff in the hit show complained of unfair
treatment.

mild

Quentin Bumboy, spokesman

for actors union Equity told
us: The behaviour of ITV has
been completely disgraceful
and my members are not
going to accept it. We have
walked out and we will stay
out until the producers see
sense.
Bumboy insisted the industrial
action was not simply as a
result of the pay cuts. Working
conditions for the belowstairs actors are atrocious, he
continued.

The shooting schedule

for them starts at five in the
morning, seven days a week,
whilst the actors who play the
aristocratic Granthams get to
swan onto the set at eleven
and have every weekend off.
Joanne Froggatt who plays
chambermaid Anna spent

Downton

he filming of the latest series of smash ITV

T
drama Downton Abbey has been disrupted
after US guest star Shirley Maclaine was found

to be infested with mice. Shooting on the hit show

had to be halted numerous times when dozens
of the small grey rodents were spotted scurrying
out from under the veteran US actresss skirts.

Production was also held up

after the mice repeatedly nibbled
through electrical wires, causing
lights to fail during key scenes.
Eventually the situation became
so bad that desperate producers
brought a cat onto the set in order
to bring the problem under control.

poison

A Downton Abbey insider who

wished to remain anonymous told
us: Wed tried everything and
nothing seemed to work. Wed
put traps up Shirleys dress and
poison in her knickers, but the
mice were breeding faster than
we could kill them.

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20

Froggatt: paid 3p an hour.

five years at RADA and

is a member of the Royal
Shakespeare Company, yet
shes expected to rise at halfpast four every day and carry
fifteen buckets of hot water
up six flights of stairs so that

In desperation, we went to the

local animal rescue centre and
got a cat, and that seems to
have sorted out the problem,
Bonnevile added.
In the first morning alone
Marmalade, a five-year-old ginger
tabby, caught as many as thirtyfive mice which had made their
nest somewhere in the 78-yearold Sweet Charity star.

WorldMags.net

Maggie Smith can have a

bath, he said. And shes
expected to do that for less
than half a crown a week.
Its utterly appalling, he
added.

Downton Shabby

Period Drama Bloopers

W
Highclere: Industrial action.

Actors were last night

mounting a picket line at the
gates of Highclere castle,
where the series is filmed.
There were angry scenes and
shouts of Scab as a busload
of non-union extras from
Upstairs Downstairs was driven
onto the set to take over the
parts of domestic staff.

noble

But Julian Fellowes

remained
unrepentant.
Some actors are born to play
noble aristocrats whilst others
are destined to play common
parts below stairs, he told
us. Its simply the way of the
world.
If these bone idle
troublemakers dont want to
portray characters who slave
in the scullery for a pittance
and drop their aitches, then
there are plenty of actors who
will, he added.

hen filming a high budget series like

Downton Abbey, no expense is spared
getting every every last detail right. Costume
and set designers take infinite pains to make
the show look as authentic as possible. But
no matter how careful the shows makers are,
errors creep in. And even before the third
series hits the airwaves, internet forums are
already buzzing with continuity cock-ups,
costume catastrophes and anachronistic
word meaning error beginning with as
spotted by the shows eagle-eyed viewers.
Here are just a few of the most historically
hysterical bloopers from past series of
Downton Abbey...

In the fIrst episode, the earl

of Granthams American wife Cora
Crawley is driven through a village on
her way to Downton Abbey. the scene
is set in 1912, yet double yellow lines
are clearly visible on a sidestreet,
and a house in the background has a
television aerial fastened to its chimney.

with

Mark Commode

Downton Abbey is set in the years between 1912

and 1920, yet the house in which it is filmed - highclere

Castle - was built in 1679.

In severAl episodes, the

chauffeur
Branson
is
seen

polishing the bonnet of Lord

Granthams car - an l-reg ford
Capri 1.3l. however, that model of
car takes 205/60/13 tyres - a size
that was not available in the 1920s.

set In the first two decades of the

twentieth century, Downton Abbey is

filmed with sound. however, the station
who makes the show - Itv - didnt go on
air until 1956, nearly thirty years after
the first talkie movie - The Jazz Singer,
starring Al Jolson - was made.

DAme mAGGIe smIth, who plays Violet Crawley

the Dowager Countess of Grantham, was born in 1934,

14 years after the show is set, 22 years before the

station that broadcasts it was founded, and 255 years
after the house where it is filmed was even built!

In the fInAl episode of series 2,

Lord Granthams valet John Bates is

In serIes 1, episode 4, Mr Carson the butler is

called to the main house after the Dowager Duchess

of Grantham faints. As he leaves the pantry he is

not wearing a hat, yet seconds later when he enters
the drawing room he can clearly be seen to have a
television aerial coming out the top of his head.

Tabby

seen packing a suitcase for his masters

forthcoming trip to london. not only is
bates wearing a digital watch, but he
has a television aerial coming out of his
head and there are double yellow lines
painted on his trousers. Also visible in
the room is a modern Keep left sign, a vapour trail
from a jumbo jet and a poster of Dizzee rascal.

Benson & Hedges

GEORGE FORMBY
FAGS

Cat drafted in to solve

Maclaine mouse plague
Maclaines agent Hymen Prepuce
IV said he was surprised to hear his
client had a mouse problem. Speaking
from his office on Broadway, he told
us: This whole situation has got my
noyves a-jangle.
This goyls been in the business
sixty years and shes never once been
overrun with voymin, he added.

Infested: Downton star Maclaine

(main pic) yesterday with the cat
(upper left) brought in to rid star
(main pic) of mice (far left)

Government Health Warning

SMOKING GEORGE FORMBY FAGS MAY LEAD
TO CHINESE LAUNDRY-BASED DEPRESSION
AND OCCUPATIONAL VOYEURISM
6mg Tar 0.5mg Nicotine 3mg A little stick of Blackpool Rock

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Continued over...

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THE END

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GROAN! WH
WHERE THE HELL AM I?

WELCOME TO THE 27th CENTURy, JOHN THAW.

WE HAVE EASILY CURED YOUR TERMINAL
ILLNESS USING OUR MICROBOTIC
TACHYON-POWERED ASTRO-SURGERY.

WorldMags.net
Deceased actor
JOHN THAW
has been
cryogenically
frozen ...

THE STITCHES WILL NEED

TO COME OUT IN A FORTNIGHT.

Shortly...

MUCH HAS CHANGED SINCE YOUR TIME,

JOHN THAW. WE HAVE PUT AN END TO
SUCH HORRORS AS WAR, FAMINE, DISEASE
AND PRIME-TIME ITV DRAMA SERIALS.

AN EVIL ALIEN RACE

-THE GANGLIONS- ARE POISED
IN OUR ATMOSPHERE WITH A HUGE
INVASION FLEET.
AND WITH EARTH NOW BEING
A PEACEFUL PLANET WE HAVE LEFT
OURSELVES WITH NO DEFENCE
AGAINST THEM.

Now he sleeps away the centuries

until he can be thawed in some far-flung future
...

AS THE WORLDS LAST JOBBING ACTOR,

WE NEED YOU TO PLAY THE ROLE OF A TOUGH
SPACE ADMIRAL WHOS GOT A MASSIVE GREAT
FLEET OF PRETEND SPACE-WARSHIPS
AT HIS DISPOSAL.

MY GOD! SO WHAT COULD

YOU POSSIBLY WANT WITH ME
IN YOUR CRAZY UTOPIA?

And so...

ATTENTION GANGLIONS! THIS IS GALACTIC-ADMIRAL JOHN THAW.

LEAVE NOW OR I SHALL ORDER MY MIGHTY ARMADA OF BATTLE-CRUISERS
TO BLAST YOUR PUNY SPACESHIPS OUT OF THE STARS!
INCREDIBLE! WHAT A
REASONABLY SUFFICIENT
PERFORMANCE.

DAMN IT ALL, ILL DO IT!

BUT ILL NEED A SCRIPT, A SUITABLE HAT
AND A LARGE SCOTCH FOR MY NERVES!

YES! HIS DELIVERY

IS UNCANNILY ADEQUATE.

YOUVE SAVED THE EARTH,

JOHN THAW. AND TO SHOW
OUR THANKS, WEVE REPLICATED
FOR YOU THIS EARLY
21st CENTURY BAFTA
AWARD.

HEAR US HUMANS! WE ARE MORE-OR-LESS CONVINCED

BY YOUR PASSABLE ADMIRAL CHARACTER AND HAVE THEREFORE
DECIDED TO CALL OFF OUR INVASION!
HOORAY!
WHOOP!

SNIFF! THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE ID LIKE TO THANK

FOR THIS AWARD, SO MANY UNSUNG HEROES
BEHIND THE SCENES, WHO.

LETS GET HIM BACK IN

THE FREEZING CHAMBER!

WorldMags.net
33

NEXT WEEK: MORE CRYOGENIC CAPERS WHEN DAVID JASON IS REVIVED

TO SOLVE SOME DREARY FUTURE-CRIME IN: A TOUCH OF DEFROST!

New Countries for

GoldMen
WorldMags.net

any of the gold medal-winning athletes

returning from the 2008 Beijing olympics were
rewarded with Knighthoods and Damehoods in
recognition of their sporting prowess. But such has
been the success of team GB at this years London
olympiad that similar honours would be tantamount
to a slap in the face. as a result, in an unprecedented
move by the government, 2012 gold medal winners
such as Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ben Ainsley
are to be crowned KINGS and QUEENS of speciallycreated countries.
A Westminster source told us:
There are literally hundreds of
uninhabited islands dotted around
the UK mainland that nobody
wants, mainly near Scotland. To
mark Team GBs magnificent
success at London 2012, the Prime
Minister has decided to make them
into independent territories and
crown Olympic athletes as their
monarchs, he said.

EXCLUSIVE!

These kingdoms would obviously go

to gold medal winners, but a few would
also be granted to those who missed
out on a top prize, but who were
nevertheless very popular with the
public, such as Tom Daley, Rebecca
Adlington and Laura Robson, he
added.

Cash-4-Golds
Top prices paid for
Unwanted Olympic Gongs!
Are YOU an athlete who has struck gold at the Olympics? Have you got
too many gold medals lying about the house gathering dust? Do you want
to turn them into HARD CASH to spend on things you REALLY want?
THEn LOOk nO FURTHER!

Sebastian & Co. will pay

toP DoLLar for your gold
medals. and turning medals
into cash is as easy as
1..2..3...

1. Simply pop your unwanted

medals in an envelope and post
them off to us.
2. If the postman doesnt steal it, our
experts give you a free valuation.
3. If you accept, well send a
cheque by return of post.
Look at
what these
Olympians
had to
say about
Sebastian
& Co.

I had 18 medals
cluttering up the
house. Sebastian
& Co. gave me
1000 for the lot and I
bought a top of the range
laptop.
MP, USA

Just comPare these

Prices!
Games

Discipline

Beijing 2008

400m hurdles 65

Montreal 1976

Dressage

25

Atlanta 1996

Rhythmic
Gymnastics

85

Lake Placid
(winter) 1996

Curling(women) 2.50

You couldnt move for gold medals

in my house, but Sebastian & Co.
made it easy to turn them into
folding money. They gave me 350
there and then and I was able to take the
missus for a romantic weekend at a posh
hotel.
MS, USA

Price

I sent my two gold

medals off and got my
cheque the next day.
Thanks to Sebastian &
Co. I was able to get my car
through its MOT.
DT, London

Sebastian & Co are licensed Olympic medal smelters regulated by the International Olympic Smelting Committee. All medals are posted at the athletes own risk.

Royal Walkabout: Sir Chris

Hoy leads Kings and Queens
in waiting into the stadium

GB Olympic Heroes to be
Given Ultimate Accolade
The titles come with all the usual
privileges afforded to royalty, such as
a crown, an entry in Burkes Peerage,
and the right to be addressed as Your
Majesty or Your Royal Highness by
commoners.
boxer
One of the first athletes to be
ennobled under the new scheme was
bantamweight boxer Luke Campbell,
who took gold after defeating Irelands
John Joe Nevin in the 56kg class. His
majestys win on points secured him
sovereignty over Campbellistan, an
800-yard long uninhabited island in
the Hebrides.
Speaking from his home in Hull, King
Luke I, 24, told reporters that his newfound regal status would not change
him. I might be a king, but Im going
to keep boxing. And Im still going to
go to the gym every morning, he said.
Sheffield-born track and field heroine
Jessica Ennis was yesterday presiding
over independence celebrations in her
country of Heptathlonia, a 4-squaremile barren rock in the Firth of Forth.
chum
It still hasnt sunk in yet, said Queen
Jessica. I thought Id never beat the
feeling of medalling at my home
Olympics. But becoming a queen as
well has just put the icing on the cake.
If I can just be voted BBC Sports
Personality of the Year too, Id be
made up, the 20-year-old royal
added.

WorldMags.net
34

18-miles away in Wigginsland, newly

crowned sovereign King Bradley was
surveying his kingdom, a 300-foot-high,
puffin-shit-covered basalt stack just off
the coast of Anstruther. Wearing an
ermine cape and crown and sitting on
a golden throne, the sidburned pursuit
cyclist was getting used to reigning over
his 250,000 seabird subjects.
rap
All the land that I survey is mine, he
told kneeling journalists. And all these
puffins must swear loyalty to their
king, or suffer the consequences, he
added whilst eating a swan.
And the Tour de France winner
announced plans to implement radical
changes in his fledgling countrys
constitution.
From now on, no inhabitant of
Wigginsland shall be allowed to
grow sideburns without the express
permission of the king. Anyone
addressing the king must look to the
ground whilst they speak. And anyone
found shitting on the Kings bike shall
be guilty of sedition, he said.
At the moment, the main language
spoken on Wigginsland is Puffin, he
added. But thats going to change
with the introduction of my own
language Bradleynese.
Its not completely finished yet,
but some of the words I have done so
far are ekibo (bicycle), gniko (king),
nosreato (treason) and notucexio
(execution), he added.

WorldMags.net
OF HEROES
LANDS
Peoples Republic of Modavia

The haul of gold medals harvested by Team GB at

London 2012 has led to the birth of 29 new sovereign
nations. Heres a round-up of some of the most
notable...
Daleyalia

Monarch: HRH King Mo the Merciful

Subjects: 10 grey seals
Nat. resources: A raspberry bush

In recognition of his 10,000m gold, Mo Farah was installed on

the throne of Modavia. His benign governance of the tiny island
has already led to him being dubbed Mo the Merciful by his
seal subjects.

Daleyalia

The Kingdom of
Farahstan

Monarch: King Thomas I

Subjects: 0
Nat. resources: Pebbles,
seaweed, crude oil

The Peoples Republic of

Modavia

Daley may have only bagged a

bronze in the mens 10m diving,
but he struck gold in his new
kingdom of Daleyalia. For, just a
week after assuming the throne of
the half-acre rocky wasteland, he
discovered it was sitting on an oil
eld estimated to contain 3 trillion
barrels of crude petroleum, leaving
the 18-year-old high-board artist
jumping for joy as the third richest
man in the world.

The Kingdom of Farahstan

Trottitania
Monarch: Queen Laura I
Subjects: 1 shepherd
Nat. resources: 5 sheep
Queen Lauras rst job was to recognise
the encouragement and support that her
mother had given her throughout her
sporting career. In an elaborate ceremony
performed in front of the islands entire
population and his sheep, the 20-year-old
cycling cutie, who took gold in the omnium
and womens team pursuit competitions,
bestowed on her the title Queen Glenda,
the Queen Mother. However, the occasion
was marred when, at a celebratory banquet,
Queen Glenda the Queen Mother choked on
a shbone and had to be airlifted to hospital
on the Kyle of Lochalsh.

Monarch: His Excellency King

Mo the Merciless
Subjects: 10 harbour seals
Nat. resources. None
Incensed at being awarded a barren rock in
recognition of his second gold of the London
games, King Mo is known as Mo the Merciless as a
result of his tyrannical ruling style. Two weeks after
ascending to the throne of Farahstan, and envious
of nearby Modavias natural raspberry bush
resources, he declared war on the neighbouring
kingdom. As monarch of both countries involved
in the conict, King Mo goes down in history as
the only head of state to declare war on himself.

United States of
McKeeverica

Trottitania

Monarch: King Edward I

Subjects: 0
Nat. resources: Approx. 40 tonnes of kelp
United States of
McKeeverica
Triggsnia-Hodgegovena

TriggsniaHodgegovena

Petrovia

Gold medal winning canoe sprinter Ed

McKeever was delighted to be made monarch
of his own country. But it was a bitter sweet
experience for the 28-year-old paddler. For
his island kingdom is situated 208 metres
off the Scottish coast, and its king is Olympic
champion at the 200m distance. Although the
USMcK is tantalisingly close and visible from
the shore, King Ed is unable to reach it in his
canoe and, tragically, will never set foot upon
the rock that bears his name. He is destined to
become a king in exile, eking out his existence
in genteel poverty whilst surrounded by a
clique of loyal subjects.

Rutherfordesia

Monarch: King Andy

Subjects: 3
Nat. resources: Moss
As the eldest member of the victorious
coxless 4s rowing squad, Andy
Triggs-Hodge assumed the throne of
the 20-metre-long limestone outcrop,
naming fellow crew members Pete
Reed, Alex Gregory and Tom James
as heirs to his throne. This decision
did not go down well and during his
rst month as monarch, King Andy
has had to put down more than 15
rebellions as his fellow oarsmen vie
to usurp his position and seize rule.
And its hardly surprising. With the
islands bounty of moss worth an
estimated 25 per year from sales to
the model railway tree industry, peace
in Triggsnia-Hodgegovena could be a
long way off.

Rutherfordesia
Monarch: King Greg
Longshanks
Subjects: 0
Nat. resources. Sand

Petrovia
Monarch: King Peter I of Petrovia
Subjects: 0
Nat. resources: None
Double trap shooting Olympic champion Peter Wilson, now King Peter of
Petrovia, has seen the fortunes of his tiny island efdon decline since its
last inhabitant - a hermit - succumbed to scrofula in 1721. But the 21-yearold farmers son is determined to rejuvenate his national economy. With
no natural resources to exploit, the crafty sovereign intends to produce a
series of rst day cover stamps of his country which he hopes will attract
the attention of philatelists around the world. The stamps will be available
direct from King Peter, The Castle, High Street, Wilson Town, Petrovia,
The North Sea, priced 5 per set, or 3 sets for 10.

WorldMags.net
35

Longjumping King Greg took

Olympic gold with a leap of 8.35m,
so you might think he would be
happy ruling a land that mainly
consists of sand. However, his tiny
state of Rutherfordesia is only 20
metres long from tip to tip, and the
monarch requires at least twice
that for a run up to have any hope
of matching his Olympic standard
jump. Undeterred, the 24-year-old
athlete now plans to mount a bid to
host the 2020 Olympic Games in
his capital city of New Gregtown on
the northern part of the windswept
60-foot-long island.

WorldMags.net

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WorldMags.net

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LOSING CEREMONY...DEFACEMENT COMPETITION GRAND CLOSING CEREMONY...DEFACEMENT COMPETITIO

WorldMags.net

ts a sad fact that all

good things must come to
an end. But happily, thats
also true of all shit things
and so we welcome you
this month to the Grand
closing ceremony of the
Viz defacement competiSend your entry to:
tion. thats right. Its time
to finally pull the curtains
VIZ DEFACEMENT
shut and press a pillow
COMPETITION (OCT)
firmly across the face of
VIZ COMIC, PO BOX 841,
Britains sickest magaWHITLEY BAY, NE26 9EQ
zine contest, in which
you are asked to use your skill and judgement to scrawl obscene
additions onto an innocent photograph. But dont worry - it will
be replaced with an equally childish and pointless competition
in the next issue and a Defacement Special at Christmas.

Believe it or not, the Defacement Competition has now been a fixture in these
pages for the best part of four years - thats as long as the First World War and in that time it has a similarly deleterious effect on the nations morale as
that great conflict of 1914-1918.
And to mark this not-particularly-impressive Closing Ceremony, which
comes hard on the heels of another not-particularly-impressive Closing
Ceremony which recently took place, wed like you to get your biro out and
deface, despoil and vandalise this picture of a pair of typical London folk,
seen here in their traditional garb.
As ever, points will be awarded for anatomically impossible, veiny, prehensile
penii, improbably hirsute pudenders, badly-drawn piles of fly-blown feeshus
and sparkling, Oscar Wilde-esque cockney dialogue along the lines of
Cor Blimey. Suck my writers block. Points will be deducted if the slightest
evidence of wit, cleverness or artistic ambition is detected. And what do
points make? Not particularly desirable prizes, thats what.

Name.......................................................................................................
Address ..................................................................................................
............................................................... Post Code ..............................

SEPTEMBER WINNERS

Notwithstanding, the final starstudded judging panel will be

convening in a Range Rover
crashed through the front of
a branch of Snappy Snaps
somewhere in the capital
to commence their earnest
deliberations on MONDAY
1st OCTOBER. So get your
entries in early for a chance to
win one of the fantastic prizes
FOUR
on offer. Four shame-faced
POSTERS
TO BE
Cockney-doodlers will each be
WON!
receiving one of these giant Viz
Shittish Isles Map posters that
hundreds of readers told us they wanted until
wed had them printed, when it turned out they didnt
want them enough to actually buy them.
ONGRATULATIONS to everyone who entered last
C
months DONKEY DEFACEMENT COMPETITION.
The lucky winners are Julie Guinet of Merseyside, Allan

Griffiths of London, Kev T of Lincs and Miss A Gale of

Surrey, who will each be getting a prestigious Shittish
Isles Map, whether they want one or not. And shame on
Mike Bolton of Kilmarnock and Andrew Whitefield of
Glasgow who each used their entry to childishly insult
the other with accusations of beastiality. By spoiling the
competition in this way the judges have decided to issue
both of them with a LIFETIME BAN from the defacement
competition.

Viz 219 October 2012 issue. Papercut Industries/Bellend Publishing Ltd. Owch. All rights reserved. Argh argh argh! No part of this Sssfff! magazine may be reproduced in any way without the Ow! written permission of Fulchester Ow! Ow! Industries and/or Dennis Jesus! Publishing. Argh.
Viz is Fffff! published 10 times a Fucking Nora! year by Dennis Publishing Ltd., 30 Cleveland Steamer Street, London, W1T 4JD. To Argh! Argh! advertise in Viz, call Ciaran Scarry on 0207 907 6725. Ow! Ow! Ow! For marketing and promotions, call Russell Sssfff! Blackman on 0207 907
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World: 35.99 USA: $49.98. Subscriber service: www.subsinfo.co.uk - this should be your first port of call if youve got any queries about your subscription, or if you want to change your address, renew your subscription or report problems. Overseas subscriptions (Not including USA or Canada,
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Alex Collier, Lee Healey & Barney Farmer, Mark Bates, Nick Tolson, Tom Ellen, Cat Sullivan, Lew Stringer and Carl Hollingsworth. Colourificational input slaves: the George Dury Hot Seven. Merrang combo - WhatYouWill. Viz.co.uk webular fanglement: Alex Morris. Crossword compiler: Anus.
Send any contributions to Viz, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ, or email them to viz@viz.co.uk. Distributed by Seymour Distribution Ltd., 86 Newman Street, London W1P 3LD (0207 396 8000). Viz distribution queries should be emailed to intlquery@seymour.co.uk. Printed by BGP
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WorldMags.net
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WorldMags.net

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ROULADENHEAVY!
IT
E
LIK
O
WH
E
OS
TH
R
FO
WS
VIE
RE
D
AN
WS
NE
ALL THE

WorldMags.net

OCT
2012

WE LIVE FOR LIEEMON

MERINGUE P !

6-page Photo Special

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PAVLOVA AT DONINGTON!

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Baked Alaska Takes

Knebworth by STORM!

!
W
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GERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANIS

WorldMags.net
ogers

Got an entry for Rogers Profanisaurus?

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
...or Viz Comic, PO Box 841,
Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ.

and if you listen ... that

sounds like a golf exclam.
A carefully-timed two part
gnomic epigram to be delivered with a voluble backfire
in the middle.
anteaters gasmasks, pair
of n. A brassiere of the sort
worn by women whose wombles noses have migrated
south over the years.
Balotellis fireworks n. A
particularly explosive burst
of tommy tits that wreck the
bathroom.
bangers and gash n. A filling
portion of tits and fanny.
baptop n. A portable computing device maintained for the
purpose of accessing the binternet. A filth machine.
Beadle n. A small drinks
can of the sort given out
on planes. Can I have six
Beadles of tomato juice and
three vodkas, please? Of
course, Captain.
bingo wing commander n.
A chap with a penchant for
the company of more mature
females. Todays birthdays:
1923, Robin Day, erstwhile
political interviewer; 1936,
Bill Wyman, Rolling Stones
bass player and (removed on
legal advice); 1985, Wayne
Rooney, Premiership footballer and bingo wing commander.
bird table n. Unpleasantly
sexist term for an otherwise
attractive lady who is spoiled

PROFANISAURUS

by a dearth of knockers.
From the fact that it would
look great with a couple of
tits on it.
breastaurant n. One of those
eateries where the waitresses
are hired based on their qualifications, eg. Hooters.
Brightlingsea bidet n. The
act of depositing a wet wad
of hockle onto a square of
bathroom tissue before wiping ones freckle, as an aid to
personal daintiness. Named
in honour of the notorious
lack of functioning toilet facilities in the delightful Essex seaside resort.
Bristol meth n. Incredibly
strong scrumpy.
broboe n. The male member.
Entering the room very
softly, I had a view of Mr
Rochester before he discovered my presence. He sat in
his chair leafing through his
mams Grattan Catalogue his countenance downcast
as he tugged listlessly at his
broboe. (from Jane Eyre by
Charlotte Bronte).

browneye points n. Nominal

credits awarded by a fellows
ladyfriend which he may - in
the fullness of time - redeem
against wrongun-based shenanigans. There was another dead pigeon in the water
tank this week, so I went up
and fished it out to earn myself a few browneye points.
bulling 1. n. milit. The act of a
new recruit who is forced to
spend endless hours adding
layers of polish to his boots
in order to achieve an almost
mirror-like shine he can see
his face in, and thus 2. n. the
act of a new recruit to the
world of hardcore grumble
who feels compelled to invest a similar amount of effort attempting to get a similar glossy finish on his little
soldiers helmet.
bum bees n. Anal discomfort
suffered after a mild curry,
for example a Bhuna. Rest
assured youll never get bum
bees if you eat at the Curry
Capital (formerly the Rupali
Restaurant), Bigg Market,
Newcastle upon Tyne. Its
arse wasps every time or
your money back.
carpet bagger n. A voracious
woman in comfortable shoes,
who has a lusty appetite for
munching rugs. A KD lady
who is at the box biter - as
opposed to the lettuce licker
- end of the lesbidatory spectrum.
chunt n. A more-than-usuallyaggressive chugger, who refuses to take no for an answer.
From charity + cunt. You off
down Greggs again, Susan?
No, too many chunts on the
high street today. Ill order a
pizza in instead.
closing ceremony euph. A
disappointing or embarrassing end to an otherwise enjoyable experience, eg. A
failure to achieve organism
or a non-existent or tiny Thora at the end of a prolonged
bout of hearty guffing. Derivation unknown.
daddy longlegs n. A particularly
firmly-anchored,
stubborn winnet that, when

Rogers
Sack
Dear Roger,

A recent entry defined

the word cuntourage
as a collective noun for
a DJs cohort of twats.
Steve Wright in the afternoon, however, uses the
term posse for his sycophants, presumably an abbreviation of suppository.
Mavis Hogsbottom
(deceased), e-mail

My wife is a trainee
vicar and has noticed
an error in the Profanisaurus update in Viz
217, where the simile
verse from the Old
Testament, like a is
used to describe much
wailing and gnashing
of teeth that is experienced while discharging an over-sized log in
the cludgie. Whilst the
Old Testament contains
much gnashing of teeth,
the phrase wailing and
gnashing is confined to
the New, where it occurs
six times in Matthew and
once in Luke. Perhaps
Mark and John had an
easier time on the pot?
M Watson (Assistant
Curate), e-mail

extracted, takes a bunch of

I was drawing with a brown
uprooted coil springs with it,
crayon.
thus resembling the epony- Ennis elbow n. medic. Type
mous lampshade-dwelling
of repetitive strain injury
household pest.
suffered by a male who has
day-nighter 1. n. In limitedbeen closely following the
overs cricket, a match started
Olympic womens heptathmid-afternoon and comlon competition.
pleted under floodlights well Ennis, have a v. To relax in
into the evening. 2. n. A lessa gentlemans way in seven
than-attractive good time girl
different styles during the
who nonetheless offers very
course of a single days
reasonable hourly rates.
viewing of female athletics.
deputy dog n. Unacceptably faint rustle of taffeta euph. A
sexist term to describe the
vague whiff of lavender about
hound who is typically seen
a chap whom one suspects
shadowing a fox.
may be harbouring a longdog in the fog, like a sim.
standing interest in fashion.
Descriptive of one who vanHmm. He may have won
ishes unexpectedly at some
Continued over...
point during a all-day drinking session. Wheres Dr Williams gone? He just disappeared like a dog in the fog.
drawing with a brown crayon
n. An extended and frustrating session of nipsy-wiping,
whereby one draws a sepia
line across fifty sheets of bumwad before finally achieving
an acceptably clean sheet. Or
giving up. See also arse like a
marmite pot. Sorry I was in
there so long, your Holiness.

WorldMags.net
41

Dear Roger,

WorldMags.net

WorldMags.net

SAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGER

WorldMags.net
Fucking

all them medals, but theres

still the faint rustle of taffeta
about him if you ask me.
fartefact n. The product of an
unexpected follow-through.
An objet dfart.
sh akes n. The dried scraps
of haddock sauce left in a
gentlemans rubiks after a
night of passion.
fun sock n. A jubber ray.
generation game n. Having
it off with ones partners
parent, grandparent, great
grandparent or worse; as performed on a daily basis by
the delightful guests on daytime telly chat shows. Bring
back Peter Ustinov, we say.
genetically modied fruit
euph. Well-hoofed plums.
Gi us a squint of yer pooper
exclam. A poetically romantic
injunction which, apparently,
rarely fails to oil the wheels
of love in the West Country.
glaze the ham v. To shoot
your load onto a piece of
cracklings upturned buttocks, before spreading the
manfat evenly over both arse
cheeks in a manner similar
to a chef preparing the tasty
pig-based dish.
goatshaggers tickle n. A rm
handshake. From the strong
grip required when doing
bestiality.
gold medal winner n. One
who always comes rst. A
one push Charlie, minute

man, siso or speaking clock.

A fellow who always spends
his money before he gets to
the shop.
gun slinger n. In a public lavatory environment, a sharpshooter who manages to enter a neighbouring cubicle,
empty his chamber and leave
the saloon before youve
managed to pull anything
out of your back holster, let
alone take aim or re.
gut beret n. Fat hat, as worn
by a chap performing cumulonimbus on a roll model.
hag reex n. Involuntary early
morning retching caused by
looking across at the lady
occupying your bed and realising that what looked like
Dani Minogue last night
looks more like Danny La
Rue in the cold light of day.
happy sealion, do the v. To
enjoy vigorous coitus, the
whole performance accompanied by a wet clapping
sound, damp whiskers and
a strong smell of sh. And
there goes the Royal couple,
leaving the Cathedral in the
golden State Coach. And
no doubt Prince William be
looking forward now to a
lavish reception and banquet
at Buckingham Palace, followed by a night of doing the
happy sealion whilst thinking about his sister-in-laws
shitlocker.
Hergest ridge n. An excep-

ROGERS PROFANISAURUS

DAS KRAPITAL

www.profanisaurusapp.com
Available on...

Old Fashioned
Paper Book...
Modern electro
book...

App thingy

OUT
NOW

ON iPHONE,
ANDROID
& NOKIA

tionally unkempt and overgrown bifns bridge, as immortalised by him who done
the music for The Exorcist
and Blue Peter.
Japanese dismount n. Falling
off something. From that far
eastern gymnast who fell off
the pommel horse and later
claimed it was actually his
dismount, thus costing the
British team their silver medal. After landing well clear
of the ramp, the front forks
of the bike collapsed, and
Knievel performed a Japanese dismount which left him
with two broken legs, a shattered shoulder, four cracked
vertebrae and compound
fractures in both wrists, as
well as a ruptured spleen,
concussion and life-threatening internal injuries.
jolly green giant n. A virescent dreadnought that appears as a result of the
over-consumption of fresh
liquorice. Unlikely to provoke much laughter.
judge the fudge v. To assess
the state of ones health by
examining the contents of
the pan for evidence of disease.
Kyle-ie n. A female guest on
the Jeremy Kyle Show who
is semi-attractive, if only
by that programmes usual
low standards, eg. One with
some teeth.
labia-rador n. An extremely
hairy growler. That smells
of tripe.
lambrini surprise n. The mischievous act of drinking a
surfeit of zzy wine, pissing
in the empty bottle and leaving it in the park for a thirsty
gentleman of the road to
happen upon. A tramp trap.
leave everything on the water 1. phr. Clich much used
by Olympic commentators
when referring to Olympic
rowers expending maximum
effort in a race. 2. phr. Doing an immense, personal
best shit.
marble gargler n. One
who likes to nosh nuts.
meerslap n. A dig off the
missus after raising ones
head to clock a bit of passing
clunge.
midlife cricycle n. A highpowered motorbike used by
a 40-year-old man to ensure his visit to Accident
& Emergency has a greater
sense of drama than would
be possible in his company
Vauxhall Insignia.
monkeys st 1. n. Large
nautical knot traditionally

What the

Papers Say

I VOMITED all down my

tie when I bought this paper
in Somaliland in August.
Bob Lindley, Tonbridge Wells

ON THE same subject as the above right letter, congratulations to the sub-editor who managed to slip this into the
Guardians online edition.
Clive B, e-mail

used by sailors as a means of

weighting the end of a rope
to make it easier to throw or
clobber someone with. 2. n.
medic. Uncomfortable postcoital condition whereby the
herman jelmet retains its previous tumescence whilst the
penile shaft withers back to
its usual size. He looked uncomfortable on the nal lap, I
thought, Brendan. Yes Steve.
Speaking as someone who ran
the 5,000 metres with a monkeys st at Rome in 1974, its
no joke I can tell you.
mucker 1. n. A close pal. 2. n.
One who messes things up
by inappropriately chucking
his muck, eg. Too early, too
far or into your porridge.
mudwife n. A lady who regularly delivers Meat Loafs
daughters in the birthing pool.
I couldnt borrow your potato
masher again, could I, Mrs
Medford? Only the mudwifes
blocked the khazi again.
mumble n. Soft, badly-written Frankie that women can
casually read on the train
without causing the kind of
pursed-lipped outrage that
a bloke leang through an
art pamphlet, for instance
the November 1996 issue
of Readers Wives Bums
Special, might expect to
encounter. From mummy +
grumble.
munge n. The male equivalent of the camels toe.
Darcy Bussells footrest.
Oh, just look at Nureyev

WorldMags.net
43

SPOTTED in the Sunday

Expresss Cross Bencher
column on July 29th.
Vez, Chadderton

dance, Dame Margot. Isnt

he a wonderful mover. Yes,
and check out the fucking
munge on him in them tights,
Dame Alicia.
on it like vomit sim. Doggedly pursuing a particular
task. From the lingering
smell and persistent, ineradicable stain associated with
the popular regurgitated substance. It seems to me that
a careful examination of the
room where the Colonels
body was discovered and
the lawn outside the French
windows where the dagger
with the unusually-carved
ivory handle was dropped
might possibly reveal some
clues as to the identity of
the mysterious vanishing
Bishop, Miss Marples expostulated at length. There
is much evidence here for me
to investigate, inspector, but
do not worry. I am on it like
vomit and I will unmask the
miscreant after withholding
a crucial piece of evidence

Continued over...

WorldMags.net

WorldMags.net

ERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISA

WorldMags.net
Twats Life
With

Cyril Feltcher

Thank-you Esther...
I am this week much
indebted to Dr Ben Spangles and his wife Dr Mrs
Spangles, who recently
sojourned in Denmark
where, unfortunately, due
to pressing business commitments, they were unable to verify the aptness
of this charming ladys
unfortunate monicker by
examining the cleanliness
or otherwise of her vaginal
cleft...

Charnock was quite discomfited to find this card

game, which appears to
be themed around masturbation, on sale in a
shop in Sweden where it
was labelled as suitable
for ages 12+. According
to the packaging, says
Mr Wharton, At the end
of your turn you may try
to spank the monkey if
youre high enough.
Fucking disgusting...

My thanks go to Mr Stuart
Roberts who divulged that
he was shocked to discover these items on flagrant
display in his local branch
of Wilkos. Birds love
them, says Mr Roberts...

I am reliably informed by
Mr David Wharton that
his acquaintance Mr Dom

...And David Rich vouchsafes that he was surprised

to see this item on open
sale in the National Trust
shop at Southwell Workhouse, Nottinghamshire.
For my part, having looked
at the picture on the packaging of the offending item,
Im more surprised that
Prince Albert could get
himself worked up enough
to jizz over his bootfaced
royal missuss tits...

Talking of spunk, Mr Michael Humphreys who

sent me this menu item
from a restaurant where
he recently dined in Boston, USA. The Salad Palette herewith advertised,
however, doesnt sound
quite as appetising as the
proprietors of this eaterie
perhaps intended, as one
might infer from its wording that the chef makes a
habit of masturbating into
the lettuce...

And finally, my esteemed

correspondent in Hooky,
Mr Quincible Runce, was
horrified to see this place
name on an Ordnance
Survey map of Kielder
Water in Northumberland.
Thank-you, Mr Runce. I
know where Ill be heading
for my holidays this year...

Esther... its
over to you...

...Meanwhile, I am assured by a Mr Paul Burdin

of Leeds that his kitchen
surfaces are now completely free of barses,
carses, tinters and biffins
bridges after a liberal application of this powerful
disinfectant...

Send this sort of stuff

to Twats Life.
Or Hogs I Spy,
its pretty much the
same thing.
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk

from the readers until the

last page. (from Murder at
Barnton Manor by Agatha
Christie).
on the money 1. phr. Exact,
spot on. 2. phr. Descriptive
of the experience of felicitously timing ones erotic
spendings to coincide with
those of the leading thespian
in a stick vid.
on the tug euph. An alternative to going out on the
pull for the less confident
male; Charging up ones
wank banks by staring at
scantily-clad women on a
night out, before heading
home for a desultory five
knuckle shuffle.
open door shit n. The pleasurably liberating experience
of being able to enjoy crimping off a length with the bog
door left wide open whilst
the house is empty.
paedokyle n. A dodgy-looking
male relative on the Jeremy
Kyle Show. Its clearly his
baby. He looks like a paedokyle.
palmikaze n. A suicidally reckless act of turning Japanese,
eg. One where the intrepid
pleasure-seeker thrashes himself into the spin cycle to the
sound of his grocery-laden
wife shouting Im Home
dear from the front door.
panicdote n. A hastily cobbled-together,
inconsistent and poorly thought-out
back story that stretches the
bounds of ones spouses credulity when it is deployed at
short notice.
pendlestrum n. Nationwide
one-handed salute to Team
GBs latest cycling gold on
the evening of Friday August
3rd 2012.
phwoar games n. Hacking
the security settings on the
household PC in order to access a bit of jazz.
pistorious adj. Victorious in
a contest of some sort whilst
legless. We were pistorious
in the pub quiz thanks to
Dave looking up the answers
on his iPhone.
plop art n. Bold designs left
around the toilet bowl after a
night at the local Balti house.
popmastur n. A chap who
likes to knock one out at about
half past ten every morning.
porno greygio n. The type
of chilled wine which is an
ideal accompaniment to a
single ladys evening in with
the curtains shut and one of
them erotic novels on her
kindle. The dirty cow.

WorldMags.net
45

potted plant n. An unkind

epithet for a Police Community Support Officer. From the
fact that they make the place
look slightly better decorated
whilst performing no useful
function and using up oxygen
that could otherwise be put to
better use. Hello? Emergency
Services? Someones trying to
break into my car.Dont worry madam. Well send a potted
plant round with some forms
to fill in tomorrow afternoon.
prime ribs n. A mouth-watering pair of luscious meaty
steaks that are practically
falling off the bone.
putting on the titz n. Getting a boob job. If your jugs
are not unlike spaniels lugs
/ Why dont you get them
fixed? / Puttin on the titz.
(lyric by Irving Berlin from
Broadway Follies of 42DD).
rolling start n. Failing to successfully lower your undercrackers in time before the
pace car makes a break for
the pits. Shitting your pants.
roll model n. A big-boned bird
who works behind the counter in a high street bakery and
manages to sneak the occasional sausage-filled pastry
treat down her gullet when
no-ones looking.
rustler n. In a public lavatory
environment, an occupant of
a neighbouring cubicle who
seems to be making irregular and disconcerting noises
which suggest they may be
opening a bag of crisps.
save some room for later
Augustus exclam. A lighthearted and subtle means of
suggesting to a salad-dodger
that they might consider
moderating their intake of
comestibles, best delivered
in a cod-German accent.
scrote cuisine n. Fast food.
Cordon bleurgh.
skagamuffin n. A colourful
street urchin with the impressive ability to transmute
shoplifted goods, his landlords furniture and friends
giros into narcotics.
skyrim 1. n. Dungeons and
Dragons-style Space Invaders game played by translucent adolescents. 2. n. Contactless form of anilingus as
depicted in cheaper foreign
art pamphlets with names
like Asshole Fucker - In Action! (3.99 from most kiosks in Jerez, Spain).
snish n. The result of a person
with poor bladder control
sneezing. From sneeze +
pish. Also a-pissue.

Continued over...

WorldMags.net

WorldMags.net

AURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS

WorldMags.net

so long. Come and have a

split from the peloton euph.
suck on me cock, love. Its
After a prolonged period of
as hard as Stephen Hawksevere constipation, to nalings homework. (from
ly put some distance between
The Lady and the Man by
oneself and ones foulage.
Barbara Cartland).
spunk cousin n. A member of
ones extended spam-ily tree strumboli n. Any fast-ngered solo that builds to a
who has slept with the same
crescendo involving a drawoman as you. Also custard
matic eruption.
cousin.
stamp licker n. A birds quim- Sunday stopper n. A mystery meat kebab purchased
piece which is so wet that it
and consumed on your way
could be usefully employed
home after a few Nelsons on
in the despatch department
a Saturday night that effecof a busy mail order busitively ruins all your plans for
ness.
the Sabbath by keeping you
stealing petrol, sucks cock
ensconced on the crapper
like shes sim. Said of a feltill well after Antiques Roadlatrix who goes at it enthusishow has nished.
astically like a scratter syphoning unleaded from a car tabs n. The external labia.
Phwooar! I tell you what,
in a lay-by.
I wouldnt mind getting my
Stephen Hawkings homehand on her tabs. And its
work, hard as sim. Said
a new Olympic Womens
of something particularly
High Jump record! Now
unyielding. Efuvia was
back to John Inverdale in
powerless to resist. Imbrothe studio.
glios eyes burnt into hers
like hydrogrossular gar- telling bone 1. phr. An expression used by 1970s childrens
nets. His muscular busiTV character Catweazle. 2.
ness magnets arms enfoldn. A twitching bulge in the
ed her softly yielding body
front of a pair of speedos that
as she felt herself being
indicates that a fellow likes
swept away in a tropical
what he sees at the beach/
cyclone of passion. Holdswimming
pool/Olympic
ing her close, he put his lips
Beach Volleyball event.
close to her ear and whispered the words she had Thai lottery jackpot n. On an
exotic holiday, the thrill and
longed to hear off him for

50 QUID CRAPTIC CROSSWORD

NAME.......................................................................................
ADDRESS.................................................................................
............................................... POSTCODE..............................

ROGERS PROFANISAURUS
IS UPDATED IN
EVERY ISSUE OF

excitement felt when picking up a couple of far eastern

hotties which quickly turns
to horror when you get them
back to your hotel and discover that, between you, you
have six matching balls.
tranny cranny n. medic. A
bubble&squeak-style minge
knocked up from leftover
bits of meat and two veg as
part of gender reassignment
surgery. Bloody hell, love.
Do we have to watch these
Channel 4 documentaries
about sex change operations
while were having our tea?
Yes we do, its educational.
That doctors just made Pete
Burns a nice new tranny
cranny, look.
trap v. naval. To pull. I went
down to Pompey docks last
night and trapped the Commanders missus.
trotters knot n. The anal
twitching of one aficted
with the runs who is trying not to dramatically drop
the shopping whilst availing themselves of a lavatory
which is not theirs.
turdish delight n. The feeling of pride and well-being
which results from an enjoyable and productive session
on the bum sink.
turdle n. Tightness and discomfort in the guts caused

by concraptions. From turd

+ girdle.
vafro n. A magnicently hairy
1970s biffer.
vagile adj. Of a female, unusually limber, supple or exible about the nether regions.
veinish blue n. Hedam.
Vesuvius sir! 1. exclam. In the
lm 633 Squadron, the radio
signal sent to base to conrm
that an overhanging rock has
nally been bombed free.
2. exclam. Said through the
lavatory door to a concerned
relative to announce that an
over-baked loaf has successfully been extracted from the
mud oven.
vomelette n. A lumpy pile of
yellow chunder. Mushrooms
60p extra.
vulvarine n. Fanny batter that
spreads straight from the
fridge.
wank stamp n. A saucy
thumbnail image saved to a
smartphone device as an aid
to self help.
Wiggins n. Pubage that
carries on down the
insides of a young
ladys thighs. Named
after the trademark
sideburns of yellowjerseyed bicyclist Bradley. Also Rhodes Boysons,
inside burns, thighbrows,

Across

Down

8/18D Im slattern with baps to be

blown up - give me these! (6,8)
9 Name in the s-shitter, for whom
the West Bank becomes the best
wank? (7)
10 See 16
11 Morning girl, theres a big
pile of shit across The Pond (7)
12 Whats a little bit tender, as
herpes? (4)
13 Bottoms shit posted, including
possible request from bum? (8)
16/10A/7 Drink Mr Keitels pearl
necklace? (7,7,5)
18 One very stiff put in quarantine (7)
19 Instrument full of nude shit,
get an erection (6,2)
21 Member fucking two individuals, Zulu warriors (4)
24 Carpet munchers fth to feed
ipping moist boy (7)
25 Duo with arse to be lubricated
ready for a spot of toad in the
hole? (7)
27 See 2 Down
28 Dick, Reginald and Dorothy
taken from behind (6)

1 Fucking parties rise and go

SEND ENTRIES TO:
liberal (6)
2/27 Mast exploding inside large
Craptic Crossword 218,
scary pussy, hairy pie (4,7)
Viz Comic, PO Box 841,
3 Hairdressers pork here, on top
Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ.
of catalogues (8)
The rst correct entry opened on
4/22 Fascist fucking arsehole comMONDAY 1ST OCTOBER wins 50,
mitting sodomy as well (6,6)
and the next 5 runners up out of
5/15 Time to be romantic, darling,
the clowns pocket will receive a Viz
show us your arse and blob! (9,6)
30th Aniversary mug, an enormous
6 Gin is in, when tossing off over
pile of which has been blocking the
a badge (8)
re escape since 2009.
7 See 16 Across
10 Bed a big girl (6)
Answers and prizewinners in the next issue.
14 Tossers call on Sexy Selinas
top photos (4,5)
ISSUE 217 SOLUTION
15 See 5
17 As it happens, later Im to
be buggered by end of pole
(4,4)
18 See 8 Across
20 US city where wanker
tossed off (6)
22 See 4
23 Old meat becoming erect
over a US city (5)
26 Probability those characters
in club not spelling cunt? (4)

Profanisauriati in this issue: A ONeill, C Fitzgerald, J Lock, L Jones, M Jerram, M OToole, C Warmer, Ginger Gav,
Gort, A Rae, G Fraser-Black, C Walker, P Murphy, N James, B Woodgate, M Wolstenholme, P Henshaw, J Parry,
M OKeefe, N Davison, N Cramp, C Smith, P Piper, D Russell, T Ratcliffe, R Noel, G Wilson, J Wallace, A Mobbs,
H McStay, Pete the Meat, Mark, N Mitch, A Ryan, M Pope, M Cooper, K Maguire, Natalie, Sally, G Watts, D Curtis,
A Wright, G Leek, R Wilfort, Nick O, S Clarke, Garden Plan, K Simpson, S Blair, E Oates, P Houghton, J Wilhelm, J
Pinion, B Haig, S Hunt, A Burrell, Jayo, Seanio, Frustrated Mother Superior, S Rushbrook, Winthorpe, Cattle Kate, D
Elliott, P Luke, P Rees, W Milne, C Sodmonk, Al, J Owens, D Thompson, M Hall, P McIlhone, M Bewick, B Van Biene,
D Gibbs, A Hallam, T Freeman, M Clements, S Hoffmann, A Ellis, C Vickers, M Gubb, S Fowler, M Cookson, P Birkett,
M Tatham, J Sparkes, P Lawson, A Mobbs, K Lunam-Cowan, J Rachel, C Turner, C Cox, Sir S Shushufe, P Styles,
J Ellson, Thumbsprain, A Boyd, K Foreman, K Wake, J Rendle, P Neve, S Stephenson, Adam, Swiss Ted, S Crawley,
MR Burns, M Upward, M Bushell, S Soul, Dr R Ellis, D Edwards, S Halsall, P Tench, Felix, G Barham and R Sawyer.

WorldMags.net
47

judges
eyebrows
and
whack-os.
winners podium n. Sir Chris
standing proudly in the middle and the Brownlee boys
on either side. The fruit bowl.
zopi clown n. A person comically attempting to carry
out simple household tasks
whilst slipping into a tranquilised state under the inuence of the quick-acting
prescription sleeping tablet zopiclone. Maw, maw!
Come quick. Granpaws
deein a shite in the neighbours garden the noo!
Dont worry, oor Wullie.
The daft auld cunts just
playin the zopi clown. Ill
fetch ma brush.

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk

Set by Anus

50 WINNER: Steve Myers, Manchester.

Runners up: John Pearson, Tunbridge
Wells, Gareth Davies, Northeld, Craig
Breeze, Shewsbury, Geoff Wheeler, Fareham and Gaile Harris, Birmingham, each
of whom win a mug. And some teabags.

WorldMags.net
OCTOBER

IT HAPPENED IN

OCTOBER 1982
A new law is brought in that
makes it the Prime Ministers
responsibility to clean up after
the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The change comes about after
the Queen steps in some of
Geoffrey Howes excrement
outside 11 Downing Street. From
now on, Premiers will be required
to scoop up Chancellor mess
and dispose of it in special bins
placed around Whitehall, or face
a fine of up to 300.

OCTOBER 1903
Scientist Marie Curie
finally announces the
discovery of Radium after more
than thirty years of exhausting
research. She hopes that the
new element - which is more
radioactive than either uranium
or thorium - will be used in the
manufacture of luminous alarm
clocks.

OCTOBER 1920
Silent film comedian
Roscoe Fatty
Arbuckle finds himself at the
centre of a shocking scandal
when he is arrested and
accused of the manslaughter of
actress Virginia Rappe, killed
after being hit in the vagina
with a custard pie at an illegal
drinks party in a San Francisco
Hotel.

14

OCTOBER 1978
The Man from
Del Mont is
executed by firing squad in
Bolivia. Whilst visiting orange
plantations in the volatile
border regions he had been
captured by Nationalist Rebels
who accused him of working
for the CIA. When asked if he
was a spy, the Man from Del
Mont said Yes.

OCTOBER 1978
A real life Tarzan is discovered living in the Tropical Palm House at Kew Gardens. Nobody
knows where the heavily-muscled man - who communicates via a series of grunts and
howls - came from, but it appears he has been living in a treehouse up in the rafters of the giant
conservatory, eating nuts, berries and crisps dropped by visitors.

OCTOBER 1984
The BBC transmits the
final episode of the long
running Saturday Night Racist
Showcase. The programme
was first broadcast in more
innocent times when it appealed
principally to a racist and
bigoted audience. However, BBC
bosses now feel it is becoming
increasingly outdated. It is
replaced in the schedules by
The White Folks Show hosted
by Jim Nick Nick Davidson.

OCTOBER 1993
Prime Minister John Major
is fined by a North Shields
court after he is found guilty of
allowing Norman Lamont to foul
the beach at Tynemouth Long
Sands. The premier argues he
thought the offending chancellor
dirt would be washed away by
the tide, but he is ordered to pay
450 plus costs by magistrates.
Councillors later erect signs along
the seafront banning chancellors
from the beach altogether.

OCTOBER 1906
In front of representatives
from Prison Boards around
the United States, inventor
Thomas Edison unveils his new
humane means of execution.
The condemned man is to be
strapped into Edisons Electric
Chair and revolved at 78 rpm
to the sound of high-pitched
Charleston music until he be
dead - a process which can take
up to a fortnight.

16

15

OCTOBER 1987
New Yankee Workshop presenter
Norm Abram is mistaken for
Jesus Christ whilst in a supermarket in
Milford, Massachussetts. The town centre
grinds to a halt as Christians from far and
wide flock to see the second coming, and
it is several hours before the mistake is
pointed out and the crowds dispersed. A
red-faced Urma Liebowitcz, the woman
who sparked the rumour, tells CBS
television: He had a beard, he was really
soft spoken and he was a carpenter, so I
just put two and two together.

OCTOBER 2007
Singer Carly Simon finally
reveals who she wrote Youre So
Vain about. In a magazine interview, the US
singer explains that the subject of the 1972
song was actually the comedian Jack
Douglas, whom she had met at a Yorkshire
TV reception to mark the end of a series
of Jokers Wild. He walked into that party
like he was walking onto a yacht, Simon
tells Billboard magazine. He was wearing
an apricot scarf, had his hat strategically
dipped below one eye and was doing Alf
Ippititimus. Ill never forget it.

21

22

OCTOBER 1916
Grigori Yefimovich
Rasputin - the
notorious lover of the Russian
Queen - is killed in St Petersburg.
Rasputins drinking, lusting and
hunger for power have become
infamous, and the demands to do
something about this outrageous
man have become insistent. He
was a cat that really was gone,
says the Tsars son Aleksey
Nikoleayevich. It was a shame
how he carried on, he adds.

26

OCTOBER 1964
Aston Villa becomes
the first UK football
team to develop its own
nuclear capability. Manager Joe
Mercer stresses that the fifteen
10-megaton warheads kept in the
changing rooms at Villa Park are
intended as a deterrent. He tells
Grandstands David Coleman:
At the end of the day, I guarantee
110% that these terrible weapons
will never be used to launch a preemptive strike on another club.

27

OCTOBER 1956
The first pizza ever
seen in the UK goes
on display at the Earls Court
Ideal Home Exhibition, causing
a sensation. Pizza-mania grips
the nation as Britons queue
round the block eager for a
chance to catch a glimpse of
the 10 Dr Oetker Margherita
with pepparoni.

OCTOBER 1903
Ten seconds
into the Wright
Brothers first flight at Kitty
Hawk Beach, North Carolina,
a fanatical terrorist breaks
into the canvas cockpit of
their pioneering aeroplane. At
gunpoint, Orville is forced to
change direction of the 120foot flight and fly the hijacker
forty feet in the opposite
direction.

WorldMags.net
48

28

OCTOBER 1909
Captain Robert
Falcon Scotts
third attempt to cross the North
Wales island of Anglesey fails
when he gets some sand in his
shoe at Beaumaris. In his diary,
the explorer writes: Had we
got all the way to Holyhead, I
should have had a tale to tell
of the hardihood, endurance,
and courage of my companions
which would have stirred the
heart of every Englishman.

WorldMags.net
4

OCTOBER 1413
In a lavish coronation
service at Westminster
Abbey, the Archbishop of
Canterbury crowns Henry VI
King of England. It is only after
the ceremony that courtiers
realise the bungling bishop has
missed a Henry out and the
new monarch should actually
have been Henry V. The redfaced prelate later admits: Ive
coronated a lot of Henrys just
lately and I just got confused.

OCTOBER 1981
20,000 people in Rome
are horrified to witness an
attack on Pope John Paul II.
The Pontiff is blessing the
faithful on a walkabout in St
Peters Square when a Turkish
protestor runs out of the
crowd and kicks him in the
balls. The Pope is rushed to
the nearby Vatican Hospital,
where the condition of his balls
is later said to be purple but
comfortable.

10

11

17

18

OCTOBER 1986
Several dancers are
injured during the
filming of the music video for
Lionel Richies Dancing on the
Ceiling. It is thought that heat from
studio lights softened the glue
holding their shoes to the roof of
the set, causing them to fall more
than 30 feet onto a hard concrete
floor. Filming resumes the
following day with foam rubber
mattresses placed under the
performers as a safety precaution.
OCTOBER 1958
Teen idol Cliff
Richards shocks
viewers with a four-letter
outburst on Granada TVs early
evening Bill Grundy Show. The
foul-mouthed pop star calls the
presenter a s*lly s*usage,
and threatens to fl*pping well
kick him up the b*m.

12

OCTOBER 1876
OCTOBER1883
The first abusive
Circus midget
telephone call is made
General Tom Thumb
to Walter F Fisher, an actor
is killed after being hit by a
and member of the DOyly
hammer whilst helping his wife
Carte Opera Company, by
Ada Thumb hang up a picture.
inventor Alexander Graham
Bell. Leaving a message on
Fishers answering machine,
Bell shouts: Ive fucked your
granddaughter, whilst his
assistant, Mr Thomas A Watson
laughs in the background.

19

OCTOBER 1828
Russian goldsmith
and jeweller Peter
Carl Faberg presents a
magnificently bejewelled
egg to Tsarina Alexandra
Feodorovna. The intricatelyconstructed trinket features
over 1,000 priceless jewels,
including rubies, diamonds and
sapphires, and comes complete
with a solid gold plate of
platinum soldiers to dip in it.

OCTOBER 1977
Chancellor of the
Exchequer Dennis
Healey appears on childrens TV
programme Blue Peter in order to
explain how the economy works.
However, during the live broadcast,
the 20-stone Chancellor urinates
and defecates on the floor. When
Prime Minister James Callaghan
attempts to bring Healey under
control, he slips in the mess,
much to the amusement of the
shows three presenters.

23

OCTOBER 2006
Millionaire Mike
Ashley buys HM the
Queen and re-names Buckingham
Palace the SportsDirectQueenhouse
@BuckinghamPalace. Monarch
fans boycott the sportswear
magnates shops untill he restores
the original name of the 200-yearold royal residence. Ironically, Ashley
is himself bought by a major retailer,
and is re-named the DallasCarpets.
comFatCockneyBastard@Mike
Ashley.

29

13

OCTOBER1998
Hollywood hard
man Jack Palance
becomes the first actor to die
three times. The veteran star of
films such as Shane and City
Slickers was first killed in 1972
when he was involved in a car
crash on Sunset Boulevard. He
passed away again in 1986 after
suffering a massive stroke whilst
on holiday in Cuba and today
died peacefully after a short
illness, surrounded by his family.

24

OCTOBER 44BC
Egyptian Pharaoh
Ptolemy XIII fights
a losing battle as he tries to
stop copies of a sex heiroglyph
featuring his wife Cleopatra from
becoming public. However, the
explicit pictographic papyrus,
which features the Queen and her
lover Mark Anthony engaging in
a series of sex acts in a pyramid,
quickly becomes an underground
sensation throughout the ancient
world.

OCTOBER 1969
British supermodel
Twiggy is badly
injured when her Mini-skirt
crashes into a tree. The Vogue
cover girl, real name Leslie
Dawson, has no recollection
of the accident, but witnesses
say that she appeared to lose
control of the short frock as
she was walking round a bend
at a notorious accident black
spot in Holland Park.

CENSORED

30

OCTOBER 1997
Archaeologists
working in
Stratford-upon-Avon make a
discovery which they believe
may finally throw some light
on the vexed question of who
really wrote Shakespeares
plays when they discover
several chimpanzee skeletons
and the remains of nearly 1,000
typewriters in the basement of
Anne Hathaways cottage.

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20

OCTOBER 1896
Wallis Simpson is
born Frank Walter
Warfield in Maryland, USA. After
leaving school, Frank becomes a
professional wrestler, fighting more
than 800 bouts under the name of
The Maryland Mangler. After going
on a diet, he loses 15 stone and
undergoes gender reassignment
surgery. Reinventing himself as
divorced socialite Mrs Wallis
Simpson, he crosses the Atlantic
and marries the Prince of Wales.

25

OCTOBER1868
Queen Victoria
is fined 5 for flytipping after the body of one of
her footmen is found dumped in
the bushes at Windsor Great Park.
The monarch claims that a man
knocked at the door of Buckingham
palace and offered to dispose of the
servants corpse for 10 shillings.
She tells the judge: He told me he
was an official undertaker. I never
thought for a moment that he was
going to just lob it under a hedge.

31

OCTOBER1886
Chicago chemist Dr
John Pembridge
markets a new fizzy drink
- Pembridges Patent Cola.
According to its creator, the new,
non-alcoholic beverage is An
Esteemed Tonic Elixir that will
Enervate the Brain and Stimulate
the Internal Organs, and is made
to a secret recipe containing sugar
syrup, vegetable extracts, opium,
pure heroin, crack cocaine, crystal
meth, phencyclidine and ketamine.

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