RANCOROUS!

by
Russell Lees













russlees@yahoo.com
924 rue Marie-Anne #1
Montreal, Quebec H2J 2B3
Canada
(514) 677-1805





CHARACTERS:
Jasper, mid-30s.
Tess, mid-30s. Jaspers sister.
Bip, 40s. Family friend to Jasper and Tess.
Callie, late 20s. An acquaintance of Tesss.
Robert, mid-40s. Ex-paramour of Jasper and Tesss mother.
Mercedes, mid-30s. Fiance to Robert.


SETTING: A living room in a suburban townhouse. Preparations for a dinner
party are underway. The dining room is off-stage, separated by a
swinging door. When the swinging door is open, we hear
conversation from the dining room. There is a credenza with a
tablecloth over it in preparation for hors doeuvres to be served here
in the living room. There is also a decorative, attention-getting,
ceramic bull on display.
Rancorous / 1

ACT I
(At rise: Jasper and Tess sitting, facing front. Waiting. Tension.)
(Jasper cleans ear. )
(pause)
JASPER
Because hes a bastard!
(pause)
TESS
It's the waiting that's the worst.
JASPER
Going to be a fiasco. A first-rate, floundering fiasco.
TESS
The risotto promises to be pretty good.
JASPER
A fiasco so stupid we can stuff it with paper and parade it in the streets.
TESS
The mango raviolis
JASPER
Top drawer, ceiling to floor fiasco. There will be a moment, Im sure, Im certain,
a moment when things go oddly well, really, really quite well. Well stop and
think: could it be? Could it? Success? But no, I know, no. Fiasco.
TESS
Mango raviolis were not a good idea.
JASPER
A bastard! A bilious bastard! And he loves it! He lolls and wallows in being a
bastard. He wont loll and wallow when were done!
TESS
I should say not!
Rancorous / 2

JASPER
That smooth smile. If Mom were alive? Our dear mother? You know what shed
say?
TESS
Shed say hes a bastard.
JASPER
You bet she would.
TESS
Practically her pet name for him.
(pause)
JASPER
Weve got to get going.
TESS
Move em out!
JASPER
Got a party to throw.
(They do not move.)
TESS
Gotta get cracking.
JASPER
Last minute preparations.
(They are about to move, but just can't. They give up entirely.)
Oh, and the getting ready, rehearsing, revising, preparing the preparations.
Preparing the plan. The plan! The pillars. The pillars of the plan. We failed to
prepare the pillars of the plan.
TESS
Oh, my, the pillars!
JASPER
Were frittering away precious moments.
TESS
Well, Ive been thinking. To start, Robert next to Callie. And Bip next to
Mercedes.
Rancorous / 3

JASPER
Bip next to Mercedes?
TESS
Thats what I was thinking.
JASPER
Shell scare him to death. Who is this Callie person?
TESS
The graphic designer? From work.
JASPER
Oh, god.
TESS
Then we put the plan into action.
JASPER
Bip next to Mercedes isnt a plan! Its a seating arrangement.
TESS
We strike after the cheese course.
JASPER
After the cheese.
TESS
Dont you think?
JASPER
We do have a nice selection. That stilton, for one
TESS
And then!
JASPER
Then.
TESS
As the meal
JASPER
rolls to its sated end
Rancorous / 4

TESS
Well come out here!
JASPER
You, sir!
TESS
You!
JASPER
Are now caught in your rotten, misbegotten
TESS
Confrontation, confrontation.
JASPER
perfidious web!
TESS
Satisfying resolution.
JASPER
There to writhe, wriggle
TESS
And then a little recital.
JASPER
like a strangled... You promised no recital.
TESS
And digestifs.
JASPER
What? No!
TESS
Apple brandy!
JASPER
The three pillars! We have got to with pinpoint What about the raspberry
liqueur?
TESS
If you prefer.
Rancorous / 5

JASPER
Lets think about this. I do like a cordial. What did we have last time?
TESS
Raspberry liqueur.
JASPER
We should have that, then.
TESS
You think so?
JASPER
The whole idea is to repeat, to recreate
TESS
Im not sure I agree.
JASPER
the conditions of Roberts crime.
TESS
Unh-uh.
JASPER
We dont even agree on the principles of the plan!?
TESS
It would be weird. We eat the same things? Robert comes in and, Oh, spinach
cannolis Then we have the same conversations?
JASPER
That would be weird.
TESS
We suggest. We spin a web of suggestion. Last time we had spinach cannolis,
this time, artichoke. Similar, but . Last time we had apple cobbler, this time,
fruit compote, but with the apple brandy, which will remind Robert of the cobbler.
JASPER
There, beyond the reach of consciousness, the faint appled echo ... Tess, youre
playing two levels above me, here.
TESS
Otherwise Robert will know somethings up.
Rancorous / 6

JASPER
Hell think somethings up anyway. I believe hes been tipped off.
TESS
Tipped off? By whom?
JASPER
Whom do you think?
TESS
?
JASPER
Bip!
TESS
Bip? Bip doesnt even know theres a plan.
JASPER
When everything blew up last time, you and I kept perfect composure. We did not
betray by expression, word or deed our deep mortification. But I suspect Bip knew
something was up.
TESS
Why would he tell Robert?
JASPER
Still waters run treacherously deep.
TESS
Bips a dear, dear man.
JASPER
Hes never really hated Robert properly.
TESS
But he wouldnt conspire with him.
JASPER
Ill keep my eye on Bip. Apple brandy it is! Damn the torpedoes!
TESS
Good. Now. Lets think this through. The meal ambles on to the cheese course.
We all enjoy a little muenster, perhaps that stilton
Rancorous / 7

JASPER
Then!
TESS
"Let us repair to the living room."
JASPER
"For some apple brandy."
TESS
"How lovely."
JASPER
"Bastard!" It occurs to me that I might not end up here.
TESS
All will be arranged.
JASPER
Look, if I'm sitting next to you, I turn in conversation. "Bastard! Philistine!" But. If
I'm over here. "Bastard! Philistine!"
TESS
I see.
JASPER
It's more
TESS
effective.
JASPER
I can really ...
TESS
Ill gently guide Robert and Mercedes this way. Callie here. And you here.
JASPER
What if we go clockwise?
TESS
Maybe you ... she ...
Rancorous / 8

JASPER
Is Callie the one ?
TESS
She contracts at the office.
JASPER
The one who has problems with confrontation?
TESS
You do remember.
JASPER
Oh, boy.
TESS
Its not fair to think about her as the one who has problems with confrontation.
JASPER
Oh, please.
TESS
Shes a complete person. She has hopes, dreams, despairs, desires. Dont reduce
her to a single personality trait.
JASPER
All right.
TESS
She has other issues: panic attacks and so on.
JASPER
Im sure she has many endearing neuroses; but you know, Im not sure its a good
idea to invite someone who cant handle confrontation to a dinner where the entire
purpose is to confront Robert.
TESS
I am a little worried about that.
JASPER
I mean, its, its all right. All right, all right. Ill let that go.
TESS
Shes coming off a big break-up.
Rancorous / 9

JASPER
Oh, fantastic.
TESS
Shell be vulnerable to your charms.
JASPER
For the moment lets assume that she wont totally screw everything up.
TESS
Fingers crossed.
JASPER
We have to prepare her for the plan.
TESS
Ill tell her not to be alarmed.
JASPER
Im sure we can screw everything up on our own.
TESS
The plan is in place. After the cheese.
JASPER
And the sitting? What about Bip?
TESS
Oh, god. Bip!
JASPER
Each pillar must be foundationally you know good.
TESS
Bip is a pillar?
JASPER
He has to tell that story he told last time.
TESS
He cant tell the story he told last time. For one, it was tedious; and secondly,
I just explained
JASPER
But thats what prompted Robert to say
Rancorous / 10

TESS
Right. Hm.
JASPER
The story was about this thing (referring to the ceramic bull). He handed it to
Robert, and bam! right into the big moment.
TESS
On top of everything else, Bip has to hand him that?
JASPER
Its a pillar! This smooth, soothing, bold bovine will act upon his tactile memory
and usher him towards the abyss.
TESS
Bip has to tell a different tedious story about Mothers bull and hand it to Robert.
JASPER
Shouldnt be a problem. Something, something he hands it over and says, um
?
TESS
He says
JASPER
What was it?
TESS
Isnt that just like your mother?
JASPER
Yes! Right! Bip must tell a story that ends with, Isnt that just like your mother.
But we cant let him know that.
TESS
Then why would he end that way?
JASPER
Well tell him to.
TESS
And why would he tell it at all?
Rancorous / 11

JASPER
We can tell him to tell it, but he cant know why. He cant know hes a pillar.
Hes a trusting soul. Well manipulate him.
TESS
This is starting to get morally complicated.
JASPER
Between Bip and this Callie character, its a disaster in the making. Our only hope
is to ... laser-like ... oh, Christ. Jesus. (He becomes lost in thought.) Is bastard
harsh enough?
TESS
Little clich.
JASPER
You worse than
TESS

JASPER
Vile, corrupt !
TESS
Perhaps bastard is fine.
JASPER
Horrible, foul-smelling
TESS
No, its perfectly
JASPER
I would like to get the word maggot in there somewhere.
TESS
Um. You
JASPER
You
TESS
You
Rancorous / 12

JASPER
Ive got to get this right.
TESS
Itll come to you, in the moment.
JASPER
No improvising! I dont want any room for failure.
TESS
Youll be fine. Speak from the gut!
JASPER
My gut?
TESS
Tap into that deep reserve of
JASPER
Yes! From my gut! Youre right! The deep reserve!
TESS
of ...
JASPER
of
(He deflates.)
What do you think Mom would make of all this?
TESS
Oh, shed, you know, were fighting the good fight.
(She sits at the piano.)
Come on.
(Tess plays a few notes.)
JASPER
Christ! If only Id, we wouldnt be in this if I couldve just not ! Idiot!
(He appears to be strangling himself)
TESS
Youre being a little hard on yourself. Let it go. (She plays the intro to Memento
Mori Shuffle.)
Rancorous / 13

JASPER
Please.
TESS
Itll loosen you up. (plays and begins to sing)
Everyone insists
JASPER
No, no. Really. I just
TESS
Dont be a party pooper. Come on.
Everyone insists
How beautiful life is,
A symphony of wondrous pleasures.
(Jasper, not happy about it at all, begins a pretty good soft shoe in fits
and starts.)
A cornucopia
Of la-de-da-de-da,
A bounteous trove of golden treasures.

Everyone pretends
Until their bitter ends
That joys befall us past all measure.
JASPER
Theyve got to smile.
Theyre in denial.
Were food for worms.
TESS
Still
JASPER
Happy minded chaps
Walk around like saps
Gazing up to skies cerulean.
TESS
You swagger and you strut
JASPER
Oh!
Rancorous / 14

TESS
And shake your little butt.
JASPER
No!
TESS
I cant imagine who youre foolin.
JASPER
Everyone persists
In refusing to slit their wrists
They think that theyve got strength herculean.
JASPER & TESS
But for all of your sass,
Youll be pushing up grass.
Were food. For. Worms.

(Instrumental improv with dance.)
(Doorbell)
JASPER
I must contend, dear,
In the end we're
Food for
(knocking)
BIP
(off) Hello?
TESS
A regular smorgasbord!
(Enter Bip. Hes carrying an old packet of papers.)
JASPER
Food.
TESS
Early bird special!
(Bip puts the packet down and joins in the dance.)
Rancorous / 15

JASPER
For.
TESS
One from column A!
JASPER
Worms!
TESS
Big finish.
ALL
Food. For.
(Tess and Jasper lose interest.)
BIP
Wo
(Realizes he's alone on this. Sits sheepishly.)
TESS
Hello, Bip.
BIP
Hello. Hello, Tess. I do so love it when you play.
TESS
Why, thank you. There may be a little recital in your future.
JASPER
(suspiciously) You're awfully early.
BIP
Yes. I, uh
TESS
Hes early to help. Can I get you something?
BIP
Oh, thank you, Tess. I'm quite all right. Youre looking well, lovely!
JASPER
You seem a little caught off-guard.
Rancorous / 16

BIP
No! Not at all. Perhaps. Its just that I, uh
TESS
Youre not still suffering from those spells?
BIP
Oh, suffering isnt the word, but, actually, just now
JASPER
Have you spoken to Robert recently?
BIP
Robert? Is he here?
JASPER
No. Does that surprise you?
BIP
No
JASPER
Your behavior is highly suspect.
BIP
How so?
JASPER
Have you leaked the plan to Robert?
BIP
Plan?
JASPER
The pillars and so forth.
TESS
Jasper!
JASPER
There is no plan! Nothing remotely like a plan! Were just having some people
over. Robert and others.
TESS
My friend Callie's bringing dessert.


Rancorous / 17

BIP
Oh. And shes ?
JASPER
Work friend of Tesss. Poor thing, shes How do I put this? Well, she doesnt
have all her faculties.
TESS
Jasper.
JASPER
Shes a lovely woman, just a bit ...
BIP
I'm sure it will all go swimmingly.
JASPER
It will. It will, Bip, and Ill tell you why. What Id like, Bip, this would just mean
so much to me. Would you tell a story about Mom? Like you did last time?
BIP
About the statuette?
JASPER
Thats the one!
BIP
I do tell it rather well.
JASPER
Oh, no. Good God, no. Lets not tell the exact same story!
TESS
One like it. Something similar.
JASPER
A different bull story.
BIP
Theres only one.
JASPER
Think, man!
Rancorous / 18

BIP
I do remember, she I remember
JASPER
Now, Bip, I cant have you wandering off the reservation on this. No weird
memory things or any stuff like that, all right?
BIP
Theyre just little flashbacks.
JASPER
Yes, I understand.
BIP
Short, tiny, insignificant
JASPER
humiliating, crushing failures that fester like vats of bile. I know all too well.
Vast vats of teeming, seething, bitter
BIP
No. No, its not that at all. Innocuous, completely nothing moments.
Standing in an elevator, writing a letter, sitting on a bench. Many, many, one-
after-another insignificant, waves of them ... I get washed away, a sea of my past
. Its like Im not rooted in, in in the present. Sometimes. I wonder. I
wonder if I let go, relax too much, I wonder if I wouldnt disappear altogether.
Just disappear into some, some
(Long pause. Jasper and Tess begin to look around, wondering where
Bip is.)
But no.
(Jasper and Tess are surprised hes there.)
JASPER
Well, thats all extraordinarily interesting, but what Im saying is: Nothing like
that. I need you to tell a story. And at the end, be sure to say um
TESS
Isnt that just like your mother.
BIP
What?
Rancorous / 19

JASPER
Yes. Those exact words. Please. As you hand him this.
TESS
Its the way you ended the story last time.
BIP
Did I?
TESS
I loved that part. You said it so beautifully.
JASPER
It was our favorite part.
BIP
Were not going to bring up anything from last time, are we?
JASPER
Because?
BIP
It ended badly.
JASPER
What? Ended badly?
TESS
Why would you say such a thing?
BIP
It did. It ended badly.
TESS
No. No, no, no.
JASPER
It was a delightful evening.
TESS
Robert made a gracious offer.
JASPER
Aarch!
Rancorous / 20

BIP
Yes. It went wrong around that point.
TESS
Bip! Youre projecting some
BIP
Somehow we started talking about that property your mother left you.
JASPER
Oh, god. Oh, god, god, god.
TESS
Jasper.
BIP
And Robert came up with a solution.
JASPER
Im suffocating!
TESS
No. He did. He did do that. And we were pleased about that.
JASPER
Sacrilege!
BIP
You see?
TESS
No, no.
JASPER
Enough! I can no longer maintain this charade!
BIP
I dont understand why youre upset.
JASPER
My response!
BIP
Wait. Wait, wait. Robert came up with a way to fix your problem.
Rancorous / 21

JASPER
And then.
BIP
?
JASPER
You dont recall what I did?
BIP
No
JASPER
I was caught unprepared. Defenseless, wearing nothing but my gym socks. So I
babbled the worst possible I, I , I must undo! If only Id had something,
some physical thing, some proof of his perfidy. Some damning thing that we could
whats this?
(Jasper picks up Bips packet.)
BIP
Oh! My goodness. I forgot all about it.
TESS
Its so dusty.
BIP
Im sorry, its remarkable, really. When Gibson passed on, I ended up with all his
files, including your familys, which I gave to you. Except. This packet was filed
under another name. My assistant just discovered it today.
JASPER
Im sorry?
BIP
I havent opened it. It belongs to you.
TESS
How delightfully intriguing!
JASPER
A mysterious package, delivered unexpectedly just before a dramatic
confrontation.
Rancorous / 22

BIP
Confrontation?
JASPER
Whose contents, the revelation of which could topple the tyrant.
TESS
Well, open it!
BIP
I didnt realize it would cause so much excitement.
JASPER
Ah, musty scent of vengeance!
TESS
Open it!
BIP
Im getting a bit caught up in this myself.
TESS
Oh, wait. Wait until Im back. Ive got to get the risotto going.
(doorbell)
And theres the door.
BIP
Ill do the risotto.
(Bip goes to exit.)
TESS
Thank you, Bip, youre such a dear. (Calling after him.) Oh, and could you get the
crostini?
JASPER
Wait! What if thats Robert?
TESS
Arriving early?
JASPER
To throw us off!
Rancorous / 23

TESS
I dont think so.
(Bip passes in plate of crostini and exits.)
Thanks, Bip.
JASPER
He can't find me here!
TESS
Thats ridiculous.
JASPER
I always arrive late. He'll know we're up to no good! And what if he sees Bip!
TESS
What if he does?
JASPER
If he catches all of us conspiring, the jig is up!
TESS
Don't be silly. (She disappears into the entry way.)
JASPER
(calling off) We havent practiced! We have no plan!
(He looks around desperately.)
TESS
(off) Hello! Come on in!
(In a panic, Jasper rolls under the hors doeuvres table and pulls the
tablecloth down to hide)
(Tess and Callie enter.)
TESS
Jasper, it's not Robert, its ... Jasper? Thats odd.
CALLIE
Im so sorry, am I ?
TESS
Not at all! Sit down. Bips in the kitchen just now, so you relax and take the next
shift.
Rancorous / 24

CALLIE
All right.
TESS
Can I offer you a drink?
CALLIE
Oh. Um
TESS
Bip makes an excellent gin and tonic.
CALLIE
Im sorry, yes.
TESS
Coming right up. Tell me if the crostini are any good. (Exits.)
CALLIE
(calling off) Thank (pause) you.
(She tries an hors doeuvre.)
CALLIE
Mm! (She starts to call out but changes her mind.)
(Eats. Looks around a bit; has a sixth sense that something's wrong.
Eventually, she puts her ear to the table.)
Hello
(Pause. Ear to the table again. Starts to panic.)
Would you care for a tiny pizza?
JASPER
God, yes.
(Callie gives him one. It disappears under the table cloth. After a
moment the cloth raises a bit.)
Could I get a drink?
CALLIE
Oh, Im sorry. Tess!
TESS
(off) Yes?
Rancorous / 25

CALLIE
Could, is it possible, a, um, how about a martini ?
TESS
(off) Wet or dry?
JASPER
(Gets out from under the table and brushes himself off.) Wet. Wet as a drowned
cat.
CALLIE
Wet! It's for your brother?
JASPER
Yes. Hello.
CALLIE
Hello. I'm
JASPER
Callie. Yes.
(Tess enters)
TESS
There you are! (Hands Callie her gin tonic.) Gin tonic. Martini on the way.
Jasper, Callie. Callie
CALLIE
Weve
JASPER
Well. I must be off.
TESS
Jasper!
(Jasper appeals to audience as if saying "What did I do?")
You should meet Bip as well, Callie. Just a moment, Ill get him.
JASPER
(Calling after her as she exits.) I dont want Bip here when Robert arrives. Have
him go out the back and come around front. (Tess is long gone. Jasper turns to
Callie.) Otherwise it looks like weve been scheming.
Rancorous / 26

CALLIE
Oh.
JASPER
I should tell you about Bip. He's dreadfully hard of hearing. Sad really, he loves
life so, he'll just play along pretending to understand. But, no, deaf, deaf as a
doornail, cant hear a damn thing.
CALLIE
I'm so sorry
JASPER
You have to shout, is what you have to do. You have to really shout.
(Bip and Tess enter)
TESS
Here, Bip, this is Callie. Callie, Bip.
CALLIE
PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
BIP
Um ... Yes. Likewise.
(Tess and Bip are confused.)
CALLIE
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?
(Bip looks at Jasper for help. Jasper mouths a silent, Doesnt have all
her faculties.)
BIP
Uh. Yes. Of course. I. Would. Love. To. Sit. Down.
CALLIE
(pause) Okay. OKAY.
(Jasper is not enjoying this at all. He appears to be getting a headache.)
TESS
Anyone care for a fresher upper?
Rancorous / 27

BIP
(simultaneously) Not . For . Me.
CALLIE
(simultaneously) I'M FINE.
JASPER
(simultaneously) God, yes.
TESS
Jasper? Whats going on here?
JASPER
What?
TESS
It's lovely everyone's getting along so well. Bip. The risotto needs attention.
BIP
(getting up) Oh, my.
CALLIE
I should be helping, too.
TESS
No, no. Bip and I will be fine. You just stay here and finish your drink.
JASPER
Oh, Christ. My dear god.
(Tess and Bip exit.)
CALLIE
Well, um. (She sees the ceramic bull.) Oh, this is inter
JASPER
Dont touch that!
CALLIE
Oh! I, uh
Rancorous / 28

JASPER
Look. Tess tells me that youve got some phobias and whatnot. Panic attacks and
so forth. Plus, your boyfriend just dumped you, so youre pretty screwed up
emotionally. I have no problem with all that. It has a certain charm.
CALLIE
Thank you.
JASPER
But Im afraid you dont know what youve stumbled into.
CALLIE
A dinner party?
JASPER
Sure, if thats what you want to call it.
CALLIE
Thats what Tess called it.
JASPER
She meant to say, death match.
CALLIE
Will there be yelling?
JASPER
At a minimum.
CALLIE
Im not very good with confrontation.
JASPER
Exactly. I'm sure you're a nice person and everything, and lord knows my sister
always has my best interests at heart, but I'm pretty sure that you're going to fuck
everything up royally.
CALLIE
(increasingly worried) Oh, dear. I do do that sometimes.
JASPER
Of course you do.
Rancorous / 29

CALLIE
(terrified) Im not sure I should be here.
JASPER
Probably not. What are you doing?
CALLIE
I think Im having a a
JASPER
Is it the crostini?
CALLIE
No, no. A
JASPER
Spit it out! Oh my god, are you having a panic attack? Already?!
CALLIE
Help!
JASPER
You may not have a panic attack!
CALLIE
Oh my god
JASPER
I knew it!
CALLIE
Ice water. Ice water.
JASPER
The plan!
CALLIE
Help.
JASPER
Do not do this in front of Robert.
CALLIE
Oh, oh dear.
Rancorous / 30

JASPER
Hell know somethings up.
CALLIE
Ah!
JASPER
And there well be, beating a Fabian retreat.
CALLIE
Whats that mean?
JASPER
We burn the crops, slaughter the cattle!
CALLIE
What?!
JASPER
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Shes having a panic attack!
CALLIE
Ah! Oh! Help!
JASPER
Stop it!
CALLIE
(Shes made it to her cocktail.) Ah! Oh.
JASPER
And now youre drinking!?
CALLIE
(barely able to breathe) Just to I just One, two, three, four
JASPER
Alcohol makes it go away?
CALLIE
Its drinking something, the act of, it forces me to regulate my breathing.
JASPER
Oh, god. Youre going to crash around all night in a panicky drunken rampage?
Rancorous / 31

CALLIE
Possibly.
JASPER
Cant you do something else?
CALLIE
Theres a meditation thing, its just thinking about happy things, really.
(Shes doing it now.)
JASPER
You do that?!
CALLIE
Yes, it
JASPER
Dont do it! Robert sees that, no, its too weird!
CALLIE
What do I do?!
JASPER
Not that! You may not do that. Robert will get suspicious.
CALLIE
Whos Robert?
JASPER
Tess hasn't told you about Robert?
CALLIE
Unh-uh.
JASPER
Oh, yes, well. Robert, Robert, Robert. Robert is a, um, a kind of arch-fiend.
CALLIE
Oh, dear.
JASPER
Years ago, he dated our mother for about an eon until she died of it.
(Callie reaches for her drink.)
Rancorous / 32

That was in our adolescence. Robert was a dashing blade, scandalously dating an
older woman. I shudder to think he couldve become our step-father, hes not
much older than I am. Well. Mom eventually quit the scene, and ever since
weve gone through these rituals of keeping in touch. Last time, Tess created a
lovely meal. Lovely. The spinach cannolis were superb. Exact right amount of
butter, touch of garlic.
CALLIE
He didn't like the spinach cannolis?
JASPER
He loved them. I'm simply stating that they were perfect. They have nothing to do
with my story. ... Bit of caramelized shallot in there, too.
CALLIE
That does sound good.
JASPER
But then. After the meal, we're relaxing, a little after-dinner drink before we push
him and his fiance out the door, when Robert decides it's a good time to
denigrate our mother.
CALLIE
Oh, Im sorry.
JASPER
Its been a long time, but he just moved on. Just ! Shes the past, the
paleolithic past.
CALLIE
All right. Youre talking a little fast. Were all staying calm.
JASPER
Its the insidious way he works. Everything all smiles and pleasantries laced with
slow-acting toxins.
CALLIE
What did he say?
JASPER
What did he say? What did he say?! In this very room, he sat there! knocking
back raspberry liqueur like there's no tomorrow and states flatly, flatly! You're
mother made some mistakes.
Rancorous / 33

CALLIE

JASPER
Can you believe it?
CALLIE
Did she?
JASPER
Oh, god, yes. She was a drunken floozy her entire adult life. He wasnt talking
about that. He was talking about a property she bought, but it was really a
metaphorical statement intended as a blanket accusation. But then, then my dear
Callie, then, oh yes. Just as I was recovering from his insult about Mother, he oh
so typical he hits me with the double whammy. He proposes a solution.
CALLIE
Im so sorry?
JASPER
Mom left us some useless property. Its going to pot and causing problems with
the city. Rats and vermin and so forth.
CALLIE
Oh.
JASPER
He said, in so many words, I can solve this for you.
CALLIE
He just wanted
JASPER
Time stopped. I sat there, stunned, blind-sided. I felt my small intestine slowly
freeze into an eliminatory icicle. Solve it for us? Are we drooling, helpless, half-
wits? And then! I can hardly say it. Then oh, god. I thanked him. I thanked
him profusely!
CALLIE
Dont get upset!
JASPER
But I thanked him!
Rancorous / 34

CALLIE
You were just being polite!
JASPER
The point is, the point is, Callie, tonight we set it right. Tonight we exact
vengeance. Tonight we recreate the scene.
CALLIE
the scene of?
JASPER
The whole thing. The ambiance, the chit-chat. The general drift of the
conversation.
CALLIE
all right.
JASPER
These will all work subliminally on the rotting papaya which is Roberts brain, and
then, sub-consciously, as if of his own accord, Robert will make the same offer!
CALLIE
Oh!
JASPER
But this time, this time, Callie, forearmed, forewarned, I will shoot him down like
a fat pheasant.
CALLIE
You expect this to work.
JASPER
Life is tough, Callie. You just have to be so tough. Its not like when we were
kids. Now youve got to take charge, get right in there.
CALLIE
When I was a kid
JASPER
I mean it wasnt any better then, but we didnt know.
CALLIE
I was kind of
Rancorous / 35

JASPER
We were too goddamn dumb to know how miserable everything is. But things
were simple. We had a little stability. There was a certain faded grandeur. Come
home from school. Mom, hiding her scotch in a Diet Coke. Sundays, Grandma
stops by, smelling like a marijuana den. I didnt know, Im a kid. I just thought
thats how grandmas smelled.
CALLIE
When I was a kid, I had Grandma Marie.
JASPER
Oh, god. Youre not going to tell me about your childhood are you?
CALLIE
She, I barely remember her but she doted on me when I was really little. I mean,
family legend is that she was devoted to me, and I think I remember. She used to
hide candies under the sofa cushions. I wasnt even four when she died.
JASPER
Grandma Marie.
CALLIE
I guess thats what I want.
JASPER
What?
CALLIE
Someone who you know unconditionally
JASPER
Like in a romantic relationship? Someone who unconditionally?
CALLIE
Yes.
JASPER
Are you kidding me? You want another someone who unconditionally?! Do you
have any clue, I mean Grandma Marie was a billion-to-one shot. A gold doubloon
found in the sand! And you want another one?
CALLIE
Well
Rancorous / 36

(Tess looks in.)
TESS
Hows it all going out here?
CALLIE
Um
JASPER
Im just trying to explain the plan.
TESS
Youre telling her the plan?
JASPER
Ssh! Yes. The plan built on pillars of granite. Conceptual pillars.
TESS
Theyre metaphorical.
JASPER
If each pillar is solidly in place: the food, the ambiance, Bip
TESS
The bull.
JASPER
The bull. Robert cannot help but walk, childlike, into our cunning trap.
CALLIE
Will the whole party be like that?
JASPER
You wont even know its happening. But after the cheese, the trap is ready to be
sprung. Youll feel it coming. A kind of enveloping pause.
TESS
A distant rumble, a rumor of war.
JASPER
A quietude.
TESS
Afar, the dogs bark without reason.
Rancorous / 37

JASPER
And then
(doorbell)
Aah!
CALLIE
What?
JASPER
Were not prepared! Quick, keep Bip away!
TESS
Bip?
JASPER
Quickly! Quickly!
(Tess exits. Jasper calls after her.)
Tell him to go around the back!
(knock)
ROBERT
(off) Hellooo?
JASPER
Fake like you've had a heart attack.
CALLIE
What?
JASPER
Hurry!
(Callie clutches her heart.)
What is that?
CALLIE
How about an epileptic fit?
JASPER
You cant do a heart attack?
CALLIE
Apparently not!
Rancorous / 38

JASPER
We've got to open the door!
ROBERT
(off) Hello!?
(Callie tries another heart attack.)
(Jasper runs and opens the door.)
ROBERT
(off) Hello!
(Jasper slams the door and runs back.)
JASPER
They're getting suspicious.
CALLIE
I think I hurt myself.
JASPER
Whatever you do, do not tell him youve seen Bip.
CALLIE
You want me to lie?
JASPER
Oh for gods sake. (He rushes to open the door.) Act nonchalant.
(Jasper opens the door.)
Helloooooo there.
(Mercedes and Robert enter. Robert is fit and charming. Rather a nice
guy, really. Mercedes is quite attractive, if a bit severe. She's younger
than Robert, but not scandalously so.)
ROBERT
Jasper. Hello-hello. Mercedes, you remember Jasper.
MERCEDES
Vaguely.
JASPER
Come on in. This is Callie.
Rancorous / 39

ROBERT
Pleased to meet you.
CALLIE
Yes, Im, uh, oh dear.
JASPER
We were just, um. Um?
(Tess, Robert and Jasper are in classic farce blocking: Callie mimes to
Jasper behind Robert's back when Robert is facing Jasper and Jasper
mimes when Robert turns toward Callie. Mercedes stands to the side
observing.)
CALLIE
(Miming: should I have a heart attack?)
(Robert turns to see what she's doing, she immediately becomes all
smiles.)
Jasper was just telling me that ... that ...
JASPER
(Mimes: No. Try the epileptic fit instead.)
(Robert turns. Same thing.)
... that you and Mercedes were perfectly respectable.
(Callie mimes: what?)
(Robert turns.)
ROBERT
Im glad to hear it.
(Jasper mimes exaggerated epileptic fit.)
CALLIE
Im feeling a little, um ??
ROBERT
(Turns, catches Jasper who transforms his mime into an elaborate stretching
exercise.) Oh. (Turns to Callie, who starts stretching as well.) Okay.
(Robert joins in the stretching, which becomes dancing. Robert gets in
the swing of things.)
Rancorous / 40

JASPER
Faint!
CALLIE
I am feeling a little woozy. (She pretends to faint.)
ROBERT
(Rushing to her.) Oh, my god!
(Jasper turns to Mercedes who is watching without any particular
interest.)
JASPER
Oh. How ya doin'?
MERCEDES
Who do I have to blow to get a drink in this place?
JASPER
(flustered) Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. That would be me. Er, ...
MERCEDES
Scotch, rocks, splash.
JASPER
Of course. Absolutely. Can do.
ROBERT
Are you all right?
CALLIE
I guess so.
JASPER
Im just getting drinks. Robert, your usual?
(Jasper goes to exit. Robert calls after.)
ROBERT
She needs some ice water! All right. Take it easy. (He helps her to a chair.) Im
so glad youre here. The more the merrier.
CALLIE
Exactly. Exactly what I was um.
Rancorous / 41

ROBERT
Have you had any of Tesss cooking? Youll love it. (calls off) Tess! Your
cooking is divine!
TESS
(off) Oh, Robert.
MERCEDES
It is pretty good.
ROBERT
Better?
CALLIE
Better.
ROBERT
Is Bip here? Have you met Bip?
CALLIE
Bip?!
ROBERT
Friend of the family. Lovely man. Is he here?
CALLIE
(freaked out) Um. Um. Ah! Help!
ROBERT
Whats wrong?
CALLIE
Im, uh, Im. (She tries to meditate.)
ROBERT
What are you doing?
CALLIE
Allergic! heart attack
ROBERT
Allergic heart attack!? Quick! Something to drink.
(Mercedes hands him Jaspers martini.)
Rancorous / 42

CALLIE
Ah! Oh! Mgh!
JASPER
(arrives with drinks) Here we are What in gods name is going on?
ROBERT
Were trying to revive her.
CALLIE
(pushing away the drink) Too much.
JASPER
I believe she prefers gin. (Turns to Mercedes) In any case, there you are. I put a
little extra ice in there for you. (Mercedes stares at him.) Extra cold ones. And
it should be whom.
MERCEDES
Huh?
JASPER
Whom do I have to blow. Just you know direct ob object.
TESS
(Enters) Hello everyone. Bip will be out shortly.
JASPER
Ssh!
TESS
Bip.
JASPER
Ssh!
ROBERT
It's always nice to see Bip.
JASPER
He might not come.
TESS
What?
Rancorous / 43

JASPER
There's no guarantee he'll be here. Don't count on it, Robert. When I spoke to him,
it sounded highly unlikely. Me. I'll be quite surprised if he shows up. (Takes Tess
aside.) Look, I don't want to stop the flow here, but can I speak to you a moment?
TESS
But ... Oh, very well.
JASPER
Excuse us. (They move downstage.) You're going about this all wrong.
TESS
Hm?
JASPER
You let the Bip thing out, and now they're relaxing and enjoying themselves. Look
at them!
(Robert is affectionately caressing Mercedess shoulders. Mercedes
ignores him.)
TESS
But we want him to relax. He was relaxed last time; its one of the pillars! Catch
him unprepared!
(enter Bip)
BIP
Hello.
JASPER
Ah! Just in time to flush what's left of our plan down the ol' crapperoonie.
ROBERT
Bip! Great to see you!
BIP
Hello, Robert. Hello, Mercedes.
MERCEDES
Hi.
ROBERT
I understood you might not come?
Rancorous / 44

BIP
Oh?
ROBERT
But thats the kitchen.
JASPER
Bip. I'm very surprised to see you.
BIP
Its delightful to see you, too, Jasper.
TESS
Sit everyone! Relax! Have some hors doeuvres.
ROBERT
Oh, these things. These are delicious. We had them last time I was here.
TESS
Ack!
ROBERT
This is shaping up exactly like last time.
(general pause)
JASPER
No, those were ... a bit different. This is a different evening altogether.
ROBERT
Arent these the same as last time, Mercedes?
MERCEDES
Who cares?
ROBERT
I guess I should apologize about last time.
(uncomfortable pause)
TESS
Whatever for?
ROBERT
I actually dont know. I had a very nice time, but it seemed like you two
Rancorous / 45

TESS
No!
JASPER
Not at all!
TESS
Why would you say such a thing?
ROBERT
Something went awry.
TESS
Nonsense.
ROBERT
Its in the past now, eh? No point living in the past.
BIP
Yes. You have to live um
ROBERT
Thats right. The past is gone. Were here now. Push forward! In my experience,
everything gets better as you go along.
JASPER
Youve got to be kidding.
BIP
No, hes quite correct. One must, opportunities, youve got to seize
ROBERT
Experience the essential. Dont let life slip through your fingers.
BIP
In fact, Robert, perhaps. You know, Roberts pretty good in the kitchen. Tess,
perhaps he could give you a hand.
TESS
Oh, Ive got plenty of help.
BIP
Yes, but
Rancorous / 46

ROBERT
Dont worry, Bip.
BIP
Now might be, you know, seize the
ROBERT
Itll be fine.
JASPER
What the hells going on?
ROBERT
Its nothing. Nothing. Bips worried about Tess. The point I was making, the
point is, the older you get, the happier you are. You let a lot of stuff go. You can
finally soak up what the world has to offer. Mercedes and I are going to do a little
world-soaking-up ourselves, arent we? Can I tell them?
MERCEDES

ROBERT
Weve decided to spend some time in Italy. Im going to rent a small villa for a
few months.
TESS
How lovely!
CALLIE
Italy!
ROBERT
Im interested in Perugia, but Mercedes is thinking Venice. Didnt you spend a
semester there, Tess?
TESS
A very long time ago. Its a wonderful city. The place is delightfully encrusted
with centuries of moral depravity, topped off with a decaying touristic marzipan.
MERCEDES
Were not going to that part.
TESS
Excuse me?
Rancorous / 47

MERCEDES
Were not going to the encrusted part, were going to the nice part.
TESS
Im afraid its a package deal.
ROBERT
But see, thats my point. Theres Venice in all its reality. The depraved part, the
touristy part, the glorious part, and we can experience and appreciate all of those.
JASPER
I understand its sinking.
ROBERT
Were going to have a nice time in Italy.
JASPER
Dont let me stop you.
ROBERT
Sometimes, Jasper, I just dont get the relentless negativity. I cant tell if youre
serious. Its not mentally healthy.
JASPER
Oh, now its about mental health!
ROBERT
Because if you step back: Life is fantastic! Right? With perspective, you realize
just how amazing everything is. Even the tough times, even the bad things, those
are amazing, too, if youre living, you know, right now.
JASPER
That is just not true.
ROBERT
Its not about truth or right and wrong. Its about how you take things.
JASPER
Oh, god.
ROBERT
You know, they've got medications that can knock you out of your rut.
Rancorous / 48

JASPER
Oh?
ROBERT
They're good now. It's not all guesswork anymore. They can fix you up.
JASPER
Really.
ROBERT
Medical science, my man. It's like going in for a tune-up.
JASPER
Sounds simple enough.
ROBERT
Absolutely.
JASPER
Tess!
TESS
Yes?
JASPER
Robert tells me they've cured the human condition.
TESS
Why, that's wonderful! Crostini?
CALLIE
Oh, thank you.
ROBERT
Im just saying I think you could lighten up.
JASPER
Lighten up? I should lighten up.
ROBERT
Yes. Look, Jasper
Rancorous / 49

JASPER
I need an attitude tune-up because life is just one big comic opera, is it? A
wonderful, wacky vale of tears? However! Our opera has no encore, my friends.
No second night. When the curtain falls, it falls for thee. Which brings me to the
import of this evening. On the surface, one might say, Oh, a lovely dinner party.
How delightful! But backstage, behind the teasers and tormentors
TESS
Jasper
JASPER
Im sorry, this must be said.
TESS
This isnt the, you know, P.L.A.N.
ROBERT
In all honesty
JASPER
Hold on. Im trying to express what youve done. I cant! There is no word, term
of phrase that encompasses the depravity
ROBERT
What are you talking about?
JASPER
Mere language is not up to the task! I challenge you to express what youve done.
MERCEDES
Huh?
ROBERT
When you get like this, I
JASPER
Proof?! You want proof?! I could convict ten of you. Here, here in this packet,
that thanks to Bips ineptitude, lay moldering in a forgotten filing cabinet, waiting,
waiting patiently for its moment. That moment has arrived; delivered by Bips
saucy intern, who innocently plucked it from its hanging file, clutched it to her
firm bosom and brought it to light! Where at last, its secrets can burst like a
pestilential water balloon!
Rancorous / 50

MERCEDES
What is it?
CALLIE
(surreptitiously) One two
ROBERT
Well, lets see this proof.
JASPER
You bet. Ill it (He cant open the packet.) I cant. Even so, you cant deny
it!
ROBERT
Deny what?
JASPER
Does anyone here doubt me?
(They all look around.)
BIP
Whats this all about?
MERCEDES
I thought we were going to eat.
JASPER
I rest my case.
TESS
Thats settled then.
(She takes the packet from Jasper.)
Weve all come to a pleasant agreement, and dinner is just about ready!
CALLIE
Oh. Do you need help?
TESS
Im just going to check on the sauce. Bip. (She gives him the packet.) Could you
look after this and make sure everyone stays calm for one minute?
BIP
Of course.
(Tess exits.)
Rancorous / 51

Actually, Robert, its an extraordinary thing about this packet. When old Gibson
(Jasper grabs it.)
JASPER
Open, dammit! Why wont this .? (He contorts himself wildly in the effort to
open it.)
ROBERT
For the love of Mike, Ill open it. (He grabs the packet from Jasper.)
JASPER
Like hell. (He struggles over the packet with Robert.)
CALLIE
I better get going.
BIP
Im supposed to (Bip grabs the packet.)
CALLIE
(As she backs towards the door.) Ive had a lovely time.
JASPER
Come on!
(They each grab the packet in turn.)
ROBERT
Forget it!
MERCEDES
Oh, for Christ sake!
CALLIE
Ill let myself
BIP
By rights
(The grabbing started as a chaotic free-for-all, but now quickly regulates
into a repetitive motion with each player running into position just in
time to fulfill her/his action. The packet moves back and forth as if in a
wave machine.)
Rancorous / 52

(As soon as the effect of the pattern is established, Tess enters at the
precisely correct moment to snatch the packet as it reaches an extreme.)
TESS
Dinner! (She secures the packet under her arm.) Is served!
(BLACKOUT)
Rancorous / 53



ACT II
(At rise: Jasper is practicing his accusation, gesturing dramatically at an
empty chair; is shocked at the chairs reply; delivers his crushing riposte.
Sounds of the dinner in-progress offstage. This goes on for a while.)
(Callie enters)
CALLIE
Jasper? Jasper. Werent you getting some wine?
JASPER
You see? You see what I have to endure?
CALLIE
yes
JASPER
His relentless, reckless, crushing rush of cheery uplift. Its torture is what it is.
Fiendishly, friendly torture. He may as well crush my testicles with a grape press.
CALLIE
He seems like a nice enough guy
JASPER
My point exactly!
CALLIE
Everybodys wondering what youre doing out here. What are you doing out here?
JASPER
Im rehearsing for the plan. Its going swimmingly, dont you think?
CALLIE
That was very dramatic about the packet.
JASPER
Wasnt it, though?
Rancorous / 54

CALLIE
Whats in it?
JASPER
Mm? Whats in what?
CALLIE
The packet.
JASPER
Oh. What is in the packet? (He picks it up.)
CALLIE
You dont know?
JASPER

CALLIE
But was that part of the plan?
JASPER
The plan is an evolving, organic thing. You cant freeze it in amber. Good god, theres
got to be something in this thing. Its pendulous with secrets and depravities. And you
saw his reaction! Guilty as a judge. But you cant derail his optimism for long. Hes in
there now, happily slopping down mango raviolis. Listen.
(They listen. Offstage a burst of general laughter.)
TESS
(off) Oh, Robert.
ROBERT
(off) I swear!
(More offstage laughter.)
JASPER
See? Its all forgotten, lost in the black cavern of his cheerful maw. His incessant
optimism! Its a cry for help is what it is. He just forgets! Any little unpleasantness, its
gone! Me? My past is a sack of feral cats clawing blood through the burlap.
CALLIE
Shouldnt you open it up and find out whats in there?
Rancorous / 55

JASPER
Yes! Absolutely. We need every weapon we can muster. (He tries to open it again.)
CALLIE
Maybe it has some mementos or something.
JASPER
Mementos?
CALLIE
Something from your past.
JASPER
It wont have that. Its legal stuff; itll have the goods on Robert!
CALLIE
Maybe. Or maybe youve forgotten some very nice thing. Maybe about your Mom!
JASPER
A nice memory about my Mom?
CALLIE
Sure.
JASPER
Well, she was very encouraging once.
CALLIE
See?
JASPER
In high school. I got a little suicidal and she came up with the toaster in the bathtub
solution.
CALLIE
Oh. That was helpful. But, maybe in there is something that, you know, you could think
about when
JASPER
Like Grandma Marie? Are we talking Grandma Marie here?
CALLIE
Thats one I think about.
Rancorous / 56

JASPER
When youre panicking and meditate and all that, you call in Grandma Marie.
CALLIE
Yes.
JASPER
You want to hear a story?
CALLIE
I dont know. Do I?
JASPER
This happened a long time ago.
CALLIE
Is there any yelling in this story?
JASPER
Its completely benign. Well. Completely benign.
CALLIE
Perhaps another time.
JASPER
Years ago, Im at a party. Having a good time, drinking tequila, I flirt with this girl, get
her number! But at one point I realize Im seriously smashed. So I figure, "Man, I better
get home so I can lie down." So I give her a little hug and I make it out the door. It's dead
winter, February, freezing, freezing February night. The cold air will do me good! A few
deep breaths, bracing! It does feel good. The cars parked on the street, the doors frozen
shut. I keep slipping trying to open it. Finally, I get in and I sit there for a minute and I
go, Man, I dunno ... and BRAUGH! Projectile vomit, just splat right onto the
windshield. Covers it completely.
CALLIE
Please.
JASPER
Ive got nothing to clean it off with. So I look around and glove compartment! Nothing in
there except the drivers manual! So here we go, I tear out some pages and start to
wipe the barf off the inside of the windshield. But its freezing out and by now all the
barf is frozen solid. Frozen. I cant find my ice-scraper, Im too drunk, so I think: all
right. And I start the car and crank up the defrost all the way. And after like thirty
Rancorous / 57

seconds, voila! It starts to thaw. And the stench comes right at me and braugh! Again!
Everywhere.
CALLIE
Is this almost over?
JASPER
There's a knock at the window. I cant see who it is, because of the frost and vomit, but
Im thinking policeman. I roll it down about two inches so he cant see whats going on,
and it's the girl from the party! She leans into the little space and says, "I was worried
that you were okay to dr." That's as far as she got: "okay to dr," when the stench hits
her and now she barfs. I get out to help. Of course the doors stuck again, so I have to
really push and it flies open and whacks her and she slips bam! on her butt. I jump out to
apologize, and step smack in vomit and I slip bang into the side of the car and then
whomp on my butt. Were both trying to get up and keep slipping in the vomit.
CALLIE
Ok. I get the picture.
JASPER
So she starts to laugh. And were laughing and laughing and she wets her pants. Well,
its really cold and after a minute, the pee freezes up and we stand up and shes got frozen
pee pants. And that was the moment I fell in love.
CALLIE
Oh
(Mercedes enters)
MERCEDES
Restroom?
JASPER
That-away.
(Mercedes exits.)
Thats the story I tell myself when I need a little pick-me-up.
CALLIE
What happened to her?
JASPER
Lets face it, there aint no more vomit on the sidewalk. There aint no more candy under
the cushions. Life. A regular Flanders field of fallen hopes. Grandma Marie is gone.
(Jasper goes to liquor cabinet.)
Rancorous / 58

Better get back in there before all hell breaks loose. Go ahead, Ill get the wine.
CALLIE
Wait. Isnt the point of the, the throw-up story that you were, you know, there. Alive
you know present living in the (She is living in the moment herself, and its
starting to terrify her.)
(Mercedes enters from the bathroom.)
JASPER
Oh, hi. Hi. How did it go? I mean
MERCEDES
I want to talk to you.
JASPER
Oh, dear.
CALLIE
Oh, Im sorry. Ill just, um so sorry.
(Callie exits.)
(Mercedes is forthright and matter-of-fact throughout; the seduction is entirely
in Jaspers head.)
MERCEDES
Lets keep it quiet. I dont want Robert to hear this.
JASPER
Hoo-boy.
MERCEDES
The deal is, I get why you have a problem with him. He can be incredibly annoying, but
he tries to help you, he does. You and your sister.
JASPER
Im, uh, frankly, not sure this is appropriate.
MERCEDES
Hes kind of a sap, but he means well.
JASPER
Hes right in the next room.
Rancorous / 59

MERCEDES
He drives me crazy, too. Plus he wants a soul-mate or something
JASPER
Its getting so warm in here.
MERCEDES
I know the signs, and right now it looks like were headed for what for me is usually a
screaming, bitter break-up. But maybe not. He wants to take me on that trip. He wants it
to be a romantic trip to relax and get away from stuff.
JASPER
A romantic ?
MERCEDES
The trip to Venice.
JASPER
Oh, right. And you want me to ?
MERCEDES
I want to see it. I want to see what hes talking about with all his soak in the world
stuff. So no way, do you hear me? No way do we break up before I get to that villa.
JASPER
Id be kind of a third wheel.
MERCEDES
I will not miss that trip!
JASPER
Of course not. I wouldnt dream You deserve it!
MERCEDES
But he wont go until that goddamn charity is straightened out. It needs a new space.
And you, youve got that, I dont really understand, but some problem with the property
thing.
JASPER
Problem with the property thing?
MERCEDES
(Distracted by the packet.) What the hells in this, anyway?
Rancorous / 60

JASPER
Oh, dont you worry. Ive got the goods in there all right.
MERCEDES
Listen to me. Let that go. Let him help you. Let him do that whatever with the damn
property and save you all that money and grief. Whats the big deal? Its good for you,
it helps poor people or something, hell feel good about it. And I get to go to Venice.
JASPER
Thats the part I dont get. The three of us ?
MERCEDES
Dont be an idiot.
(Enter Tess)
TESS
Everybody is wondering if the partys moved in here.
MERCEDES
Just on my way back in. (She grabs the bottle and exits to the dining room.) You got it,
right? Let him help.
JASPER
Ay caliente!
TESS
(sotto voce) What is going on?
JASPER
Mercedes is coming on to me like gangbusters.
TESS
Well, thats just delightful.
JASPER
She puts the rrrowl in on the prowl.
TESS
Callie is a better fit.
JASPER
Callie is a complete wackadoodle.
Rancorous / 61

TESS
But perfect for you.
JASPER
But Mercedes! My god. She has visions of canoodling in a gondola while Roberts back
at the villa, none the wiser.
TESS
Gracious!
JASPER
Think how that would get at him! Everything gets so much better! Ha!
TESS
That would upset him.
JASPER
Life would be worth living! What? Oh, all right. Callie is a lovely person, and Im
sure we could have a joyful, fulfilling life together. But dont you see what a gift has
fallen into my lap?
TESS
Italy is so expensive.
JASPER
I tell you what, Ill string Callie along until after Ive seduced Mercedes.
TESS
Fair enough.
JASPER
It will be all the sweeter when I dump Roberts fiance for Callie!
TESS
(Sees the packet.) What about this?
JASPER
Christ! We forgot that!
TESS
Weve got to find out whats in there.
JASPER
Yes!
Rancorous / 62

TESS
It could be the coup de grce.
JASPER
(Struggling to open it.) If I could just .
TESS
It doesnt exactly go with the plan, though.
JASPER
What do you mean?
TESS
There wasnt any packet last time. It doesnt really
JASPER
recreate
TESS
that night.
JASPER
Hm.
TESS
We could use it as a backup. In case things go off the rails.
JASPER
Which they wont.
TESS
But in case.
JASPER
Right. Then
TESS
Aha! Packet!
JASPER
Right.
TESS
Meantime, Ill just tuck it away until after the recital.
Rancorous / 63

JASPER
Recital?!
CALLIE
(poking head in) Whats up with you two? Everyones wondering whats going on.
TESS
Were working on the plan.
JASPER
The plan! Good Lord, the most important pillar of all! Weve got to get Robert to say the
thing.
CALLIE
The thing?
JASPER
What he said last time. Weve got to plant the seed.
TESS
Weve got to deftly
JASPER
Subliminally, really. Weve got to
TESS
But how?
JASPER
We need the idea to occur to Robert as if of its own accord.
CALLIE
Oh. Right. Thats important.
JASPER
Hell suspect if we ham handedly spit out
TESS
Derelict property.
JASPER
Right.
(They think.)
Rancorous / 64

CALLIE
Maybe you could say something that sounds like it.
(long general pause)
Sorry.
JASPER
Wait, wait, wait.
TESS
Sounds like?
JASPER
A rhyming sort of a ?
CALLIE
Just something that sounds like it.
(general astonishment)
TESS
A word that sounds like it!
JASPER
Genius! Youre an idiot-savant!
CALLIE
Thank you.
TESS
A certain assonance
JASPER
or concordance
TESS
lights his neural network.
JASPER
And clangs a bell in his abandoned factory of a mind.
TESS
Derelict property. You could say, oh, I was just thinking Id have to interdict
improperly.
Rancorous / 65

JASPER
Yes. Yes!
TESS
Just slip it into the conversational flow.
JASPER
Nonchalantly.
TESS
As if thinking of something else.
(They gloat.)
JASPER
Okay, okay. How does this play out?
TESS
Well, youre chatting about, you know, some interesting
JASPER
Wait. It cant be me.
TESS
Really, it shouldnt be me, either.
JASPER
No. Neither one of us.
(Callie does a spit take or equivalent.)
CALLIE
Oh, Im sorry, Im uh, kind of busy.
JASPER
Its a fool-proof plan. Plant the seed, then after the cheese, ka-bam!
CALLIE
Which cheese?
TESS
Youll do great.
JASPER
She will do great.
Rancorous / 66

TESS
Im so glad I invited her.
JASPER
The stilton, youre perfect for this.
CALLIE
I am?
TESS
Look at you. Who would suspect?
JASPER
That face!
CALLIE
Im just not comfortable
JASPER
Callie, Callie, Callie, there comes a time in ones life when you have to stand up and be
counted. When you have to be your own man.
CALLIE
I cant do that.
TESS
Of course you can.
CALLIE
No. I just dont
JASPER
You can absolutely do it. You are a force in this world. An important, active, vibrant
being.
TESS
Youve been pushed around and bullied too long.
JASPER
Now is your chance to say No. To say I am Callie and I assert myself!
CALLIE
Gosh, I dont know
Rancorous / 67

TESS
I occupy space in the universe!
JASPER
This is the big day. The day you take charge of your life.
CALLIE
You think so?
TESS
Time to take the step.
JASPER
Be present!
TESS
Were right there with you.
JASPER
Cheering you on.
CALLIE
Well, you know
JASPER
Yes?
CALLIE
I can be indecisive
TESS
Exactly!
CALLIE
All right. I will take control.
JASPER
Thats the spirit!
CALLIE
I wont do it.
TESS
No! Not now. Assert yourself with him.
Rancorous / 68

CALLIE
But I dont want to do that.
JASPER
Thats not the point.
CALLIE
Im my own man!
TESS
The point is: youve got to be your own man for us.
JASPER
Its for the greater good. You, us, everyone. If you think of it, really its for all mankind.
TESS
The world is desperate for your help.
CALLIE
Will I have to lie?
TESS
Lie? Will she have to lie? Is that a deal-breaker?
CALLIE
I have kind of a thing about
JASPER
What? You have another thing? On top of the panic attacks and confrontation?
CALLIE
I guess I do.
JASPER
Oh, god. You just have to rhyme, like you said.
TESS
Thats not lying, thats poetry!
CALLIE
I have written some poetry.
JASPER
Then youll do fine!
Rancorous / 69

TESS
Slant rhymes are perfectly okay.
CALLIE
Nothing very good ...
JASPER
Fantastic. Pull this off and therell be a little extra fruit compote in it for you, if you
know what Im sayin.
TESS
We better get back in there.
JASPER
You stay here. Well send him out.
TESS
Look preoccupied.
(They exit.)
CALLIE
(calls after them) But oh.
TESS
(offstage) Robert. Callie is all upset. We cant do a thing. Could you see whats the
matter?
ROBERT
(offstage) She wants to see me?
BIP
(offstage) Is she all right?
TESS
(offstage) She has a highly nervous constitution.
JASPER
(offstage) Shes barely able to function on the best of days. God knows what gibberish
shell spout.
(Callie meditates.)
TESS
(offstage) Im sure shes fine. Just needs to talk something out.
Rancorous / 70

ROBERT
(offstage) Of course. Excuse me.
TESS
(offstage) Seconds anyone?
MERCEDES
(offstage) Is there more red?
(Robert enters)
ROBERT
Hello. Are you okay?
CALLIE
Oh! Its, um
ROBERT
Has something upset you?
CALLIE
Yes.
ROBERT
Im so sorry.
CALLIE
Im sorry, too. Very, very sorry.
ROBERT
Let me say that youre handling it well.
CALLIE
Thats kind of you. Im just a little off-balance.
ROBERT
Im not clear why me specifically
CALLIE
Ah. Because, yes. You. Specifically.
ROBERT
Is it financial?
Rancorous / 71

CALLIE
Financial! Its a financial.
(beat)
ROBERT
Problem.
CALLIE
Problem.
ROBERT
Thats what I do. Financial advice.
CALLIE
Oh, good. I have a, the, its a. Destitute puffery.
ROBERT
Pardon?
CALLIE
Its uh, various investments and a um, reverse mortgage.
ROBERT
You have a reverse mortgage?
CALLIE
Yes. Its kind of not the regular kind
ROBERT
Okay
CALLIE
Look, its a, its stupid. I I dont.
ROBERT
Yes?
CALLIE
Oh, my god, I lied! I dont have any mortgage!
ROBERT
Oh.
Rancorous / 72

CALLIE
And I dont have a financial. Problem.
ROBERT
Ah!
CALLIE
Im sorry.
ROBERT
Is it, um ?
CALLIE
Its. I cant
ROBERT
Jasper?
CALLIE
Is it ?
ROBERT
Tess wants you to hit it off, but Jasper gets all jumpy? He probably said something
thoughtless?
CALLIE
He does
ROBERT
The guy works himself into a state and doesnt know what hes saying. Hes a good-
hearted man. Deep down. He is a little manic.
CALLIE
Yes. Yes, he is.
ROBERT
But even that
CALLIE
is compelling.
ROBERT
There you go!
Rancorous / 73

CALLIE
Its just that
ROBERT
He can be difficult. I mean, the business with that packet Where is it? Its irritating.
Hes found some something
CALLIE
Actually
ROBERT
I thought Tess left it right here. God knows whats in it, but whered it go?
CALLIE
He didnt find anything in the packet.
ROBERT
Youre kidding.
CALLIE
He hasnt even looked inside. He doesnt know whats in there.
ROBERT
You see? Why would he do that? Hes so tough to oh, man. I cant believe it.
Incredible. Makes it hard to help him. Doesnt know whats in the packet. And
Tess, too. They blame me! For, for I dont understand the logic. Dont they see, I try
to help them? And they need it, god knows. If theres anything you can do to help them
out, you should do it.
CALLIE
I should?
ROBERT
Absolutely.
CALLIE
Schmendrick pottery.
ROBERT
Theyve got this property, its been declared derelict. Their mother bought it, had some
nutty scheme. I dont think theyve ever even seen it. Well, you have to keep stuff like
that up or the city comes after you. I figured out how ugh, its a whole thing, but I
could help them.
Rancorous / 74

CALLIE
Oh?
ROBERT
I can get a deal on fixing it up, then give it to a charity Im on the board of one that
could really use it. The tax benefits would square everything fine. But
CALLIE
Maybe you could offer to do that over cheese.
ROBERT
Oh, no. I did that last time we had a dinner. I thought it was a great idea, but later I find
out that theyre upset and I guess its a whole thing. They just cant accept that I want to
help them. No. I wouldnt touch that subject with a barge pole. Not in a million years.
CALLIE
Maybe theyve changed their minds.
ROBERT
I suppose I do go overboard. I just really and truly think things work out for the best if
you let them. If you have the right attitude and give it a shot Jasper and Tess just
careen off, crashing into old sores. I mean, the past is great and everything, for most
people. Nostalgia and that, and I know people who pretty much live there, live in the
past. Its all remember this and this. But Jasper and Tess . Its bitter, dark misery and
theyre nostalgic for that! No, seriously, its like Misery aint what it used to be. Me,
Im not interested. The future is where were going to spend our lives, right? I mean
thats stupid, but its true. And its good! The future is good! Maybe not, maybe Im an
idiot. Maybe its nave to believe in human progress, and of course, there are counter
examples, so maybe I am an idiot, but why not? Why not believe in a world where things
go forward, get better? Why not believe in, you know, us? People?
(Callie is completely enamored.)
It does get me in trouble sometimes. I mean, I merrily go along when it Mercedes for
example. Lets be honest, its obvious thats not going to work out. But I thought,
Hey!
CALLIE
Really? Thats thats not going to work out?
ROBERT
Shes not really right for me. Thats what attracted me. I wanted someone different.
Someone who made me work a little bit. And maybe. Thats why I want to spend some
time in Italy. See if we can rediscover Im sorry. Im going on and on, I just feel
Rancorous / 75

theres something about you, Im perfectly comfortable confiding and blabbering and here
I dont know you at all. I just go rambling along.
CALLIE
No, no! Thats fine. But. You want someone who makes you work?
ROBERT
I thought so. Same thing with Tess and Jaspers mom. Oh, god, Tess and Jaspers mom!
But, well, live and learn, eh? No, I think maybe the wise choice is someone you can relax
with, someo well I came in here to help you and now Im just complaining. But,
bottom line, Jasper is a wonderful guy and someone like you could really help him see
beyond his, you know, closed-in, bitter, constricted
(Tess emerges.)
TESS
Hows it going out here?
ROBERT
Shes feeling much better. Arent you?
CALLIE
Yes. Yes I am.
ROBERT
I come through again!
TESS
Any de-re-licious past-er-ies?
CALLIE
Um
TESS
Or meretricious iniquities?
CALLIE
Well
TESS
I knew you could do it. All right, back to the table! Jaspers bringing out the cheese
plate.
CALLIE
Oh, dear. (Callie starts to panic.)
Rancorous / 76

ROBERT
Im just going to
TESS
Of course.
(Tess and Callie exit to the dining room. Robert exits to the bathroom.)
JASPER
(off) Bip, were serving the cheese.
BIP
(off) I just, Ive got to
TESS
(off) Hes remembering. You go ahead.
(Bip emerges looking rattled. Every object in the room is bringing on an
avalanche of random memories. He sits, consumed by them.)
(Robert enters from the bathroom and is about to enter the dining room when he
stops short. He checks that no one is coming and backs up to look for the
packet. He does not see Bip. He soon finds where Tess put the packet.
Gingerly, he figures out how to open it and peers inside. He discovers an old
diary and, curious, he opens it up. He finds an interesting passage and reads it
in astonishment. Not sure what to do, he makes a decision and tears the page
out of the diary, crumples it up and stuffs it in his pocket. He keeps reading,
tears out another page, and several more.)
BIP
Im sorry, what are you doing?
ROBERT
What? Oh. I when did you ?
BIP
Thats for Tess and Jasper.
ROBERT
Yes, yes, its just that . You heard him, he made such a big deal about it.
BIP
You shouldnt be in there.
Rancorous / 77

ROBERT
I know. Youre right. I know.
BIP
Plus, what about our little agreement? What happened to that?
ROBERT
Dont worry.
BIP
Im kind of counting on you.
ROBERT
I havent had a chance
(Tess enters followed by everyone else.)
TESS
Lets bring the party to them.
(Robert quickly shoves the diary back in the packet.)
Feeling better? You and Robert concocting something?
BIP
Yes, no!
TESS
Oh. Bip, could you sit over here? Robert, here. Mercedes.
ROBERT
All right.
MERCEDES
Jesus God.
JASPER
(Entering.) Cheese course is over! Time for the fireworks.
TESS
One moment. (exits)
JASPER
(He practices his accusatory gesture to a specific chair the mirror image of what he had
shown to Tess.) Wait. Hup-up-up. Robert, could you sit over here, please?
Rancorous / 78

ROBERT
But
JASPER
Right there.
TESS
(Re-entering with some cheese.) Robert, Bip, you missed the cheese course.
ROBERT
Oh, thanks.
TESS
Theres muenster, port salut, a goat cheese and a stilton thatll knock your pants right off.
Anyone for digestifs?
MERCEDES
Im game.
JASPER
Dont I know it.
(Tess picks up the packet.)
ROBERT
Oh. No need to that can be
TESS
Could you do something with this, Jasper?
(Jasper takes the packet and puts it somewhere across the room. Meanwhile
Tess notices that Robert is sitting in the wrong spot.)
Oh, Robert, heres best.
ROBERT
Oh, Im sorry. But, Jasper
TESS
Im afraid I must insist.
ROBERT
All right.
JASPER
What in Gods name is going on here?!
Rancorous / 79

ROBERT
Nothing! Oh, the seating. Over here?
MERCEDES
Just sit down. Jasper has something to say to you.
JASPER
Oh. Oh, yes. I do.
(Strikes pose.)
You, sir !
TESS
Whup! Not yet. Not yet.
JASPER
What?
TESS
(sotto voce) Bip. Plus, Callie has her song.
ROBERT
A song? That would be nice.
CALLIE
Oh, I
JASPER
But weve crossed the cheese Rubicon!
TESS
Later, maybe not such a big audience will be here.
JASPER
!
TESS
Itll help Callies confidence.
JASPER
Life is so interminably long.
TESS
Ready, Callie!
Rancorous / 80

CALLIE
Oh, I dont know, Ive never This is a little
(Tess starts playing abruptly)
oh! Um (sings) I cant re Im sorry, can we start again?
JASPER
Can we just get this over with?
CALLIE
(sings) I cant remember the promise in your glance.
I cant remember our warm and deep romance.
I cant remember your arm around my waist,
My heart and how it raced,
Our two hands enlaced.
But I remember your kiss.

It quite escapes me, I simply cant recall,
I dont remember those nights in Montreal.
It seems Ive forgotten, oh, so very much,
The softness of your touch,
Whispering and such.
But I remember your kiss.

Upon close inspection, my recollection of our affection is nil.
I just plain forget each hushed tte--tte, each sun we watched set,
But still
I remember your kiss.

I cant remember an early autumn chill.
I cant remember the flower on the sill.
I cant remember telling any lies,
The flower when it dies,
The sadness in your eyes.
But I remember your kiss.
(Robert is entranced.)
MERCEDES
That was cheery.
TESS
You see!
Rancorous / 81

ROBERT
Lovely just lovely.
CALLIE
Oh.
JASPER
A congressman testified with that same song. (looking for a laugh) Hey? Huh? Cant
remem (snaps fingers). Eeh.
ROBERT
Callie?
CALLIE
Its Oh.
TESS
All right. Um. Weve sung. Weve eaten our cheese. Weve eaten our cheese.
JASPER
Oh, god yes. Yes. Bip!
BIP
(Caught with his mouth full.) Mm?
JASPER
The time has come for a little reminiscing. You know, about Mom.
BIP
Oh! Oh, yes.
(Callie prepares herself in the background with a stiff drink.)
MERCEDES
Dont you have something to say first?
JASPER
Hang on, hang on. Bips got a hilarious anecdote. Go ahead, Bip.
CALLIE
Excuse me. I have something to say. Im sorry, but I have to do this. Im very, very
sorry, but here goes. Uh, Robert. When you get a chance to, to help me with that
financial. Problem. Here. Heres my business card.
(Many of her cards fall onto the floor in her confusion.)
(Trying to pick them up.) Im so sorry.
Rancorous / 82

TESS
Oh, dont worry.
(Callie gives a handful to Robert.)
ROBERT
Oh.
CALLIE
Now, I must go. (She exits through the wrong door.)
JASPER
What?!
MERCEDES
What the hell was that about?
CALLIE
(Re-entering. An announcement.) I went the wrong way.
JASPER
You cant leave!
TESS
Callie, please.
ROBERT
Yes, stay.
JASPER
Bip has a story hed like you to hear. (Low to Callie.) Robert thinks youre his friend.
We need you to help lull him into a sense of security. (Aloud.) You know the one, Bip.
(Tess sits Callie down.)
BIP
Oh. Yes! Indeed I do.
(pause)
TESS
Youve got our attention.
BIP
Well um. If you really
Rancorous / 83

JASPER
Bip.
TESS
We dont really have many mementos. Mom didnt leave much of a record of the past, no
letters or anything. Just a few knick-knacks like this, so we do love these stories.
ROBERT
Go ahead, Bip.
BIP
Oh. She, well, your mother! Astonishing force of nature. She came to our office when I
was just getting started. It was difficult to know just what the problem was. The best I
could make it out, your father was some sort of monster which manifested itself in his
being rather too nice. But the thing I remember is shed been to Spain and Oh. (He
has another spell.)
JASPER
Whats going on?
MERCEDES
I thought this was going to be funny.
ROBERT
Whats this?
TESS
He gets hit by random memories.
JASPER
These are the times that try mens souls.
MERCEDES
All right, thats it, Jasper. Now.
JASPER
Now?
MERCEDES
Youve got something to say.
JASPER
Thank you, thank you, Mercedes for some much needed clear-thinking. And thank you,
Bip, for that rather inopportune psychotic break. Yes. Yes, I do have something to say. I
Rancorous / 84

have a whole life to say. A bottomless, fathomless, senseless life. As we all do. Yes, we
can divert ourselves with a tizzy of dizzying activities or projects or, in Mercedes
case, impromptu romps in gondolas, but to what end? It all comes to dross. Dross and
despair.
TESS
Dross.
JASPER
Despair, despair.
TESS
Despair.
JASPER
The deep soundless depths seep into a cesspool of hopelessness, and the candle gutters.
Then I think of Robert. Yes, I think about you and your oppressive, hopeful optimism
and could it be? Could it be? Could it, that Robert is right? Could Robert, despite all
evidence, could it? Yes? And I breathe on the ember and could the plan work? Because
if it does, could it? if it does, then yes! Yes!
ROBERT
Plan?
JASPER
Hope! Life! A purposeful Forget about the plan. There is no plan. Dont worry
about, I never, no such thing, but if it works! Could the plain, plodding, painful putty of
existence surge into a soaring ?
TESS
There is no plan.
MERCEDES
Is this going anywhere?
JASPER
What does it matter, this, this tumbling tumultuous passel of passions? Because, because
look. It comes to each, each, each infinitesimal, each and the mundane, moldy in the
moment. We must live there, we must. Do what you will. In the moment! As if its a
boon! But. But, but, but. To live each, each, fleeting, each iota of in the now, In the
moment. To truly, to genuinely, if any of us could actually, in the, the ravishing,
vanishing, slippery, silver sliver of the now: youd drop dead. To live in the now is
terrifying. Right, Callie?
Rancorous / 85

CALLIE
What? No!
JASPER
And yet! And yet, if the plan, the plan, the plan pans out, and were so close! If there
is no plan if it pans out, then, in fact we are inching, instant by each until, at that
momentous, here, on this stage, that moment will be
TESS
At last!
JASPER
And all we need is Bip! to say
BIP
Isnt that just like your mother?
(All look at Robert expectantly.)
ROBERT
Look, I dont really get whats going on. For some reason, I feel compelled to, to, I feel
like Ive got to, all I know is that last time I You mother made some mistakes, as
we all know, too, too well. And that property she left you, its gone derelict. If youd just
let me, I think theres a way to I said this last time (Jasper and Tess on edge of
seats.) no, I just cant.
JASPER
No, no. Get it off your chest.
ROBERT
Forget it, never mind.
TESS
For heavens sake, Robert. If you have something to say, spit it out!
CALLIE
Excuse me. Can I just run to the restroom?
JASPER
No! Robert?
MERCEDES
What is this?
Rancorous / 86

ROBERT
You're being ridiculous. I have nothing to say.
JASPER
Say it! Say it!
ROBERT
No.
(Jasper grabs him and starts to strangle him.)
JASPER
You're in my house and I say you'll speak! Say it! Damn you! Speak!
(Everyone rushes to pull Jasper off.)
(They sit and calm down.)
JASPER
I'm sorry, Robert. You were saying?
ROBERT
All right. All right. All right. I was going to say
(tense pause)
No.
(Jasper and Tess fall off the edge of their seats.)
MERCEDES
Thats it. Look, Jasper, we had a deal.
JASPER
Oh, dear.
MERCEDES
And, by god
ROBERT
A deal?
JASPER
Oh, its nothing youd
MERCEDES
Jasper was going to say something, and hed better say it now.
Rancorous / 87

JASPER
I, Mercedes, we oh, boy.
ROBERT
You make it sound like some kind of conspiracy.
JASPER
Oh, hardly. Hes onto us. Ill create a distraction.
MERCEDES
Tell him.
JASPER
Its just that, well, Mercedes here graciously invited me to come along to Venice with the
two of you. Theres no question of behind-your-back nookie. That would be
unconscionable.
MERCEDES
What?
JASPER
While youre out trying on leather loafers or haggling over glass gewgaws, you neednt
worry that Mercedes and I are behind the palazzo engaged in sweaty, sweltering
schtuping in some shameful stairwell.
BIP
I love Venice.
ROBERT
Mercedes?
MERCEDES
Oh, Christ, it was just some stupid
JASPER
He was bound to find out.
ROBERT
Some stupid what?
MERCEDES
I was trying to do some stupid nice thing for you! Fuck it. I just wanted to go to fucking
Italy, and youre making eyes at this adorable hand-made basket case! You know what?
Rancorous / 88

You know what? Fine! You two go. You can go and you know what? Forget it. Jasper,
Tess, lovely dinner, pleased to meet everybody. I really like your shoes.
CALLIE
(Terrified.) Thanks.
(Mercedes storms out.)
ROBERT
Oh, dear Lord.
(Robert runs after Mercedes.)
CALLIE
This yelling
ROBERT
(off) Mercedes, listen.
MERCEDES
(off) You listen!
ROBERT
(off) I appreciate that you wanted to
MERCEDES
(off) Jesus.
ROBERT
(off) do something nice.
JASPER
I think I blew my chance with Mercedes.
ROBERT
(off) But I dont understand
MERCEDES
(off) It doesnt matter. It does not matter. You can go and shove Venice up your ass.
(Door slams offstage. Robert returns.)
TESS
I dont think strong language was called for.
Rancorous / 89

ROBERT
Godammit, Jasper. How do you do it? You take everything, everything, and twist it to
shreds. You live in some kind of fortified . God forbid reality should Ill give you
reality.
(Robert throws the crumpled papers from the diary at Jasper.)
There! Youre welcome!
CALLIE
(She has to get away from all this.) Oh, please, I
JASPER
Whats gotten into you? Youre frightening Callie. I mean, really!
ROBERT
I am trying to break into your hermetically sealed
JASPER
Oh, thats a good one.
ROBERT
impenetrable
JASPER
You, waltzing around
ROBERT
myopic, ironclad
JASPER
appreciating life!
ROBERT
paranoid bunker!
JASPER
Oh, and youre so open-minded and above board.
ROBERT
I am, yes.
JASPER
Is that why youve been scheming with Bip?
ROBERT
What?
Rancorous / 90

BIP
Oh!
JASPER
Hm? Seducing the guileless Bip into your merciless machinations?
ROBERT
We. Theres no
JASPER
You know, Roberts pretty good in the kitchen. What was that about?
BIP
He is good in the kitchen! Have you ? His frittatas!
JASPER
To me, it sounded almost as if you two had some sort of plan.
ROBERT
We did.
JASPER
What?!
TESS
I dont believe it!
JASPER
You had a plan?
ROBERT
Bip asked me to do him a favor.
JASPER
I knew something was fishy.
TESS
Bip. Im so disappointed in you.
BIP
I, he
ROBERT
He wanted me to talk to you, Tess.
Rancorous / 91

TESS
Oh?
ROBERT
To find out if perhaps you might go to a museum with him or something sometime.
(This is a bombshell for Tess.)
JASPER
Oh, fine! So youre conspiring with our most trusted friend.
(Flustered, Tess begins to tidy up the crumpled papers.)
ROBERT
As a favor!
JASPER
Behind our backs! In Tesss home!
ROBERT
And you? Conspiring with my fiance!
JASPER
Shes fair game!
ROBERT
She is not!
JASPER
So you pelt me with bits of paper?
TESS
What are these, Robert?
JASPER
You didnt have a pea shooter?
ROBERT
In frustration, I threw some, some
TESS
These are handwritten.
BIP
Oh, those are, um
Rancorous / 92

JASPER
Yeah. What the hell are these?
BIP
They are, um, well
ROBERT
Theyre from Bips packet.
JASPER
What?
ROBERT
The packet.
BIP
The one I brought.
JASPER
So?
TESS
These appear to be
JASPER
Who can read this?
TESS
Its a diary. Is it Moms?
JASPER
Mom didnt keep a diary.
TESS
Its Moms diary.
JASPER
You tore up Moms diary?
ROBERT
I was trying to, I was, oh, god!
JASPER
He didnt want us to read our Mothers secret diary, so he rips it up.
Rancorous / 93

TESS
That is not right, Robert.
JASPER
Thats destroying evidence.
ROBERT

TESS
This is from before Robert was around. When we were kids.
JASPER
You tore up papers from when we were children?!
ROBERT
I its
JASPER
What kind of misbegotten monster are you?
TESS
Those little shits. Hm.
ROBERT
The diary is beside the point.
TESS
Those little shits. Had I known what I was in for, I wouldve strangled them in their
cribs.
(pause)
ROBERT
It. Its just
TESS
Thats Mom all right.
JASPER
Why bring this stuff here?
ROBERT
Because you cant seem to
Rancorous / 94

JASPER
Its a dinner party!
ROBERT
Bip brought it!
BIP
I didnt know!
JASPER
You threw it at me!
ROBERT
Its paper!
JASPER
Flinging your feces hither and yon.
CALLIE
I really, its
TESS
Jasper is such a crybaby. I told him, Crybaby! Crybaby! Crybaby titmouse! It didnt do
a damn bit of good.
JASPER
I remember that little talk.
TESS
Its as if she were here with us!
JASPER
You tore up the titmouse chat.
ROBERT
You know what? You are a crybaby.
JASPER
Here it comes. The self-righteous
CALLIE
Ill just, the restroom.
(Callie exits.)
Rancorous / 95

ROBERT
Self-righteous? I am simply able, unlike some, to see things
JASPER
Oh, huzzah!
ROBERT
clearly.
TESS
The children have formed a hellish alliance akin to Hirohito and the Axis. I swear Im
going to take the Christmas lights and string myself up.
JASPER
Oh, god, the Christmas lights.
ROBERT
Must we revisit
TESS
Her annual holiday suicide attempt.
JASPER
It was practically a Christmas tradition.
TESS
We laughed about it every year. Until
(pause)
JASPER
All right, Monsieur Incisive Clarity, in addition to rifling through Mothers most private
possessions, why did you tear them up?
ROBERT
I wanted to
TESS
What?
JASPER
What were you trying to pull?
BIP
I think
Rancorous / 96

JASPER
What?
BIP
I think perhaps he thought
TESS
He thought what?
BIP
He thought they might hurt you.
(Stunned, uncomprehending silence.)
JASPER
(Outraged.) Thought they might ? That is
TESS
Robert.
JASPER
You thought youd, oh.
TESS
Protect us?
ROBERT
No! Maybe You both had a tough go of it. As kids, growing up, you did. Before me.
I come along, I see that. Its obvious. I try to do what I can. Your mother, for all her
qualities, could be a little harsh, and
JASPER
Oh, please!
ROBERT
She was. She was, Jasper.
TESS
Its not your place to rip off scabs.
ROBERT
I tried to soften
JASPER
Did you?
Rancorous / 97

ROBERT
I did, and then she
JASPER
What did you care? After the very special Christmas, you were painting the town by
Valentines Day.
ROBERT
That is so unfair.
(Callie pokes her head in and decides to stay in the bathroom.)
JASPER
La-la-la! Thats all in the past!
ROBERT
So you blame me! You blame me!
TESS
You bought the lights!
JASPER
Own it!
ROBERT
I bought the tinsel! You bought the lights!
JASPER
They were on sale!
ROBERT
Whatever happened, the fact is, Ive always tried to do what I can.
JASPER
You want us to be grateful? You want me, here on my knees? Oh, Great Robert, what
would become of us without you?
ROBERT
Stop it.
JASPER
You with your forward thinking optimism, your quiet patience, your condescending,
property-dilemma-solving acuity?
Rancorous / 98

ROBERT
Ah! Thats what this is about.
JASPER
Were such poor idiotic idiots.
ROBERT
The property! The property. God forbid I help with that.
JASPER
Yes, the property! What will we do?
ROBERT
Its derelict! The city will fine you!
JASPER
What? Not enough groveling?
ROBERT
You are so frustrating. I just want to, to, to smash something.
(He picks up the ceramic bull, as if to break it.)
I can solve the property thing! I can solve it! So what? I can solve it for you.
(Pause. Jasper and Tess exchange a look.)
JASPER
I didnt quite catch that.
ROBERT
I can help solve the property thing for you. Big deal.
(pause)
What?
JASPER
You, sir! You you you four flusher!
(Long pause.)
ROBERT
Jasper. Im sorry life is so tough on you. I think you have to come to terms
Look. The world didnt come to an end when your mother died.
(He exits.)
Rancorous / 99

JASPER
(Chases after Robert and yells from the front door, off stage.) Of course it did, you fool!
Of course it did! (Returning.) Vengeance is ours!
TESS
Oh, Jasper!
JASPER
(Giddy with exhilaration.) I cant, we, its, what?
TESS
We did it!
JASPER
Tess!
TESS
Jasper!
JASPER
The plan!
TESS
Bip!
JASPER
Like clockwork!
BIP
Well done!
JASPER
Nothing is beyond me now. No one is safe. I am a master assassin.
TESS
The recital went well, too!
(Callie enters from the bathroom.)
CALLIE
Is all the shouting over?
TESS
All done. The plan worked.
Rancorous / 100

BIP
There was a plan?
JASPER
We are gorging ourselves on the blood of the kill.
CALLIE
Well, at least wheres Robert?
JASPER
We are humbled by this great success.
BIP
He felt it was time to leave.
TESS
You just missed him.
CALLIE
Oh. Well! I should be heading out, myself, I suppose.
TESS
Must you go so soon?
BIP
Are you sure?
CALLIE
Ive had a lovely time.
JASPER
What? Youre leaving?
CALLIE
I, uh, I really should get is he still out there? I, you see, its been so much fun
JASPER
Wait! Wait, wait. Im crazed with blood lust at the moment, but I wanted to, wanted to,
you know, youve had to put up with my sputtering and madness and so on, but I wanted
to say: The Panic. I completely get the panic. Just now, I touched it. Oblivion. I admire
you, Callie, for living so close to it. Life, huh? The pitch, the yaw, the whirling,
sinewy, swirling skirr of the world. Its not very plausible, but maybe, maybe if two
terrified, panicky people as some sort of ad hoc duo, if they together .
Rancorous / 101

CALLIE
Oh, Jasper. I hope you, I hope
(Callie gives him a light kiss on the cheek.)
Good-bye everyone! Thanks so much.
BIP
Pleasure to meet you.
TESS
Thank you, Callie. Youve been just delightful.
BIP
Good-bye.
(Callie exits.)
JASPER
I have made a conquest!
TESS
Uh-oh.
JASPER
A chaste kiss, full of promise.
TESS
She did kiss
JASPER
On her way home, shell reflect on that brief moment, the feel of her lips against my
cheek, the undeniable charge between us. By the time she gets to her door, shell be wet
with eagerness for my call.
TESS
Oh, I wouldnt
JASPER
The evening is still young! She and I could meet up for a nightcap, right? Its not too
late. Christ! Should I run after her? No, no. That would look bad. Let the anticipation
build. Ill slip out the back door and rush home to tidy up the place. In case, you know.
TESS
Oh, Jasper, dont
Rancorous / 102

BIP
You shouldnt
TESS
She
JASPER
Tess. Bip. This is my chance! My chance to pull free the rancorous anchor. Lash my
passion to the mast and loose my launch into the heavy sea with a heavy sigh. And there,
in the blue below, fleeting schools of feelings. At last, in my grasp! The faltering, fragile
lute of the future. And look! Look! That little minx! She craftily left me her number!
(He picks one of Callies cards up off the floor.)
What do you say now?
(pause)
TESS
Tidy your apartment, Jasper. Tidy it within an inch of its life!
JASPER
Cry havoc! Let slip the dogs of love!
(Jasper exits.)
(Long pause.)
BIP
I should help with the dishes.
TESS
Thats fine, Bip. Ill worry about that tomorrow.
(Tess picks up one of the papers.)
Where is that diary these came from?
(She finds the packet and takes out the diary.)
Ah! Thank you for bringing this, Bip. A pleasant little saunter down memory boulevard.
BIP
Oh, yes. Very fortuitous I guess.
TESS
Ive quit making the children anything to eat. Theyre not worth the trouble. She
stopped feeding us. It was the year of freeze-dried strawberries. I mustve been nine or
so. I remember thinking, Mom is screwed up! Then I got worried about how to tell
Jasper.
Rancorous / 103

BIP
She was quite a, quite a
TESS
Right now theyre in the backyard Oh, my, the backyard at the old place. When I
remember it, its always autumn in that backyard. The crunch of leaves, Jasper and me.
There was an old stump we hid things under. Our precious treasures. A plastic crown,
maybe some soldiers. They could still be there, I suppose. Right now theyre in the
backyard whipping each other into eating more and more dirt. The little snotsre stuck
with each other. What will become of them? Thudding together through life like some
kind of three-legged sack race. Oh, Mom.
BIP
I suppose I should
TESS
Bip, my dear. Youve been such a help. Im going to curl up and read this whole thing.
You finish your drink and let yourself out whenever you like.
(Tess exits.)
BIP
Good night.
(Bip looks around. Sighs. Has a memory. Thinks about it. Thinks harder. He
can almost touch his past.)
(Tess returns, wanting to say something to Bip. She stops. Looks around,
astonished hes gone so soon. Where could he be?)
TO BLACK