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The Light Moore Writing 12

The concept that your life flashes before your eyes when you are about to die? Utter
bullshit. More like a sea of regret, coupled with unfilled promises and unspoken words. All those
things you had wished youd done, all those words you said in your head, but lacked the
courage to let escape your lips, that is what you remember. I wish I could tell you it was like
falling asleep, darkness settling into oblivion, but I cant. That would be a lie.

The morning was misleading, the weather people had called for rain, yet somehow
nature missed the announcement. The sun hung in its early morning position, casting out
tendrils of warmth and light to those who chose to partake. As I closed and locked my front door
behind me, I was struck by how perfect my life seemed at that very moment. I recently got
engaged to Courtney, a girl who was so far out of my league it caused double takes and furtive
glances when we walked in public, but she never cared. Her love was unconditional and
complete. She made me whole and I would never have the volume or grasp of language to
express what she meant to me. When I was with her, I felt a joy that emanated. Although we
had been together two years, I still got butterflies when I saw her and still felt loss when she
wasnt with me. I had also started a new job, one I felt was moving forward. For too long I had
felt I was on the wrong side of an escalator, no matter how many forward steps I took, I never
made progress. Everything was different. Happiness had eluded me, no wait, I felt I didnt
deserve happiness. I finally believed.

I drove down the interstate, singing out loud. I cant remember a time I had ever done
that. I rolled the window down half way, allowing air to rush in. It cascaded over over me like a
wave. Absolute bliss. Even when the sky darkened, my mood stayed light. I was on my way to
my job, all prospects pointing up, a little foul weather wouldnt hurt anyone. The first drop hit my
windshield like a little missile, then another and another. Rapid-fire now, the droplets waged war
on the glass. I hit the wiper switch, decimating an entire battalion, but it was quickly replaced by
more and more troops appearing every second. The rain pounded the windshield and the car.
Traffic on the interstate slowed considerably. Rain pooled on the highway like little singular
oceans and the cars were like boats lost out at sea. A truck swung into my lane in front of me,
creating a torrent of dirty water covering my car in its wake. Wipers on high now, I spied an
opening in the lane to my left. I moved over, grateful to escape the backwash of the 18 wheeler.
I felt my tires slip just a second, but catch. I exhaled. I saw lights emerge from the torrential
downpour, shimmering as if some type of spector. They drew closer.

Darkness.

Sounds come first. Filtering through like they were swimming in a pool of ink. Voices
reached for me, but remained just outside my fingertips. They sounded like someone was
shouting at me underwater. Ineligible words.

The darkness returned.

Consciousness drifted back to me like a lost visitor. I tried to open my eyes. Nothing.
Panic shook me as I realized I was blind. I clawed at my eyes, instinctually. A sliver of light.

Relief.

Joy.

Horror as I realized my eyes were glued shut. What is it? Why are they so reticent to
open? I wipe and wipe, feeling flakes like dry sand particles scatter off the lash like they were
repulsed by my existence. The light hurt. It burned like a brand into my optic nerve and brain. It
was too bright, shadows sliding back and forth, couples with flashes that burned with a green
hue. It felt like an unending optical illusion. My vision cleared slowly, the light dimmed into a
constant throb in the base of my skull. I saw hands. Mine? Maybe. They were speckled with
blood, had that held my eyes shut? I willed my body to move my fingers. I stared at the hands,
to not do so seemed wrong and a premonition of worse to come. Finally, a twitch in the smallest
of the fingers, but it looked wrong, mishapen. The relief was short lived as pain took its place. It
began in my feet and travelled the course of my body in an instant before exploding in my head,
dimming my vision briefly. Breathing deeply, I knew I had to see what was happening. Like a
dream, images began to form blinking in and out, the last replaced by the next. I saw my
dashboard. Dark. I saw my steering wheel. Dark. I saw figures moving outside my window. I
couldnt tell if they existed only in my imagination. They flowed liked ripples in a pond, never
staying still. I could see mouths moving, but no sound. Why were the mouths so low?

I was upside down, or were they? Reality seemed like an old friend, but one I couldnt
engage with.

Aware and armed with my new, found knowledge. I felt calm. I recognized my
predicament. I mustve been in an accident. I was alive, in pain, but alive. A face grew to my left.
It was kind. I dont what I could say. Non descript. I saw nothing but kind.

Were going to try and get you out. Try not to move.

It sound hollow, like he was speaking to me through a tube. I wanted to respond to tell
this kind stranger I understood, but my lips wouldnt move and unlike my hands no amount of
willing was working. The kindly old face, the face was old too I recognized that small triumph,
moved away. Patches of conversation reached my ears like the leaves falling from a tree in
autumn, yellow, orange, and brown hues.

Its bad.
The dash is completely pushed in.
How long for the ambulance?
The other driver is dead.
I dont know how long hell hold out.
Blood. So much blood.

I thought of her. We were friends first. I had been her shoulder though a few bad break-
ups and silently yearned as she talked of good guys and bad decisions. To me, it had always
been her. Many nights I lay awake dreaming of what I would say to her, but I never did. I was
more content to have her in my life, even if only as a friend, than to not have her at all. When it
did happen, it wasnt me that initiated it all. We were sitting on the couch watching some terrible
reality show. I was aware her leg was touching mine. In fact, that was all I was aware of. I felt
the heat from her skin. It warmed me. When she looked at me. There was something different in
her eyes. I loved her completely in that moment. I knew. She knew. I felt the regret of not telling
her sooner. The lost time is tragic.

A drip above my head disturbed my reverie. I could taste and smell the copper in the air.
The voices sound urgent. Pessimistic.

Why did you never tell me?
I was afraid you wouldnt feel the same way. I was a coward.
I wished I had known. Think of all the lost time.
Its never good to think of everything lost. We have forever now.

I tried to reach in and remember that moment. To keep it, but already it was fading into
black.

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