www.flickr.com/photos/clintjcl/200479485/creativecommons.

com
Red Hot Sex: 8 Little Known Secrets For A Lifetime
of Passion and Love
Read Jed’s new book, Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable
Male Syndrome on Scribd at: http://tinyurl.com/MrMeanBook or get a “hard
copy” by going to http://www.menalive.com/mrmean.htm

Jed Diamond, Ph.D. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 44
years. He is the author of 8 books, including Looking for Love in All the Wrong
Places, Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome. He offers
counseling to men, women, and couples in his office in California or by phone
with people throughout the U.S. and around the world. To receive a Free E-book
on Men’s Health and a free subscription to Jed’s e-newsletter go to
www.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help with
relationship issues, write Jed@MenAlive.com.

Everyone wants a great sex life, but few people know how to achieve it and
even fewer know how to maintain it in a long-term relationship. Couple’s try new
positions and look for “sexy” things to wear. They try to improve their
communication and relationship skills. But to really have a great sex life you
have to know the secrets of what it means to be male and female. And learn the
dance of creative connection.

I still remember going to the store with my mother to get my first “boy shoes.”
I had outgrown my white baby shoes and was excited to be moving into the
gendered world of males and females (though I had no conscious thoughts in my
4 year-old mind at the time).

The shoe store was alive with color and choices, but I went straight for the red
Keds. I didn’t know that Keds were first manufactured by the U.S. Rubber
company (known today as Uniroyal) in 1916 or that they were the first shoe to be
made with soft rubber soles that enabled the wearer to quietly sneak up on
people, hence the term “sneakers. I did know that Red Keds were the finest
things I had ever seen.

After measuring my feet, the salesman went into the back to bring out the
shoes. When he opened the box, I was shocked and disappointed to see that
they were blue, not red. I could understand that they had sold out all the Red
Keds in my size. But it made no sense to me when the salesman said to my
mother, “He’ll want the blue of course, being a little boy.” I didn’t wait for my
mother’s response, “I want the Red Keds,” I told him. My mother shrugged, but
supported my assertiveness and I walked out of the store wearing my first boy
shoes.
Note: I’m going to talk about “males” and “females” and how our differences (and
similarities) need to be understood in order to have a great sex and love life. But
we all need to remember that we’re talking about group differences, not individual
differences.

For instance, we’d all agree that “men are taller and stronger than women.”
We understand that we’re talking about averages, not individuals. At 5 feet 5
inches tall, I’m more than aware that not all men are taller than all women. There
are a lot of women taller than me (including me wife, Carlin, by about an inch). I
am stronger than her, but there are many women stronger than I am.

Most of you will recognize the sex differences I will describe. But there’s
always a significant percentage of males and females, that don’t go with the way
men or women tend to be. As a woman you may find yourself with qualities that
are more often associated with males, and of course, there will be some men
who have qualities more commonly associated with women.

So please keep that in mind as we explore the secrets of great sex!

Sex Secret #1: The Market Place Is a Bad Place for Sex Education

There are “boy” things and “girl” things. We are not unisex beings no matter
how politically correct we try and be. However, what the salesmen of the world
tell us about the essence of gender is not to be trusted. My 4 year-old brain
knew he was 100% male and that red, including all variations including purple
and pink, was a 100% male color.

When I got my first bicycle and was told the “boy bikes” had a bar across and
the “girl” bikes didn’t, I once again rebelled. By then, I was well aware that boys
had vulnerable sex parts that hung down in front and that riding a bike could be a
dangerous activity (particularly when learning). It was obvious to me that
bouncing off the seat onto a hard metal bar was not good for my boy parts and I
would be much safer having a bike with a scoop in front.

I did get teased for my red shoes and for riding my bike and I learned to
stand up for my own male essence. We need to stand up for our own male and
female essence.

Sex Secret #2: Y Are Males So Insecure?

Genesis, chapter 5, tells us about "the generations of Adam": Adam begat

Seth, Seth begat Enosh, Enosh begat Kenan... down to Noah of the flood.
Translated into modern genetic terms, the account could read "Adam passed a
copy of his Y chromosome to Seth, Seth passed a copy of his Y chromosome to
Enosh, Enosh passed a copy of his Y chromosome to Kenan"... and so on until
Noah was born carrying a copy of Adam's Y chromosome. The Y chromosome is
paternally inherited; human males have one while females have none.

All human cells, other than mature red blood cells, possess a nucleus which
contains the genetic material (DNA) arranged into 46 chromosomes, themselves
grouped into 23 pairs. In 22 pairs, both members are essentially identical, one
deriving from the individual's mother, the other from the father. The 23rd pair is
different. While in females this pair has two like chromosomes called "X," in
males it comprises one "X" and one "Y," two very dissimilar chromosomes. It is
these chromosome differences which determine sex. That’s the good news
about the Y chromosome. If we didn’t have it we would all be females.

However, the bad news is that the Y is very short compared to the X with
which it is paired. As a result males suffer more genetic problems than females
such as color blindness and muscular dystrophy. From the moment of conception
males are more fragile and vulnerable than females. Male fetuses die more often
than female. So do male newborns. So do male infants. So do male
adolescents. So do male adults. So do old men.

Males may act strong and puff out our chests to make us appear bigger than
we are, but the truth is that we are forever trying to make up for our inherent
vulnerabilities. Why are males so insecure? Because we exist in bodies that are
inherently less stable than those of females. Knowing that truth can go a long
way to helping us all understand males better. And better understanding leads to
better sex.

Sex Secret #3: Sperm Are From Males, Eggs Are From Females

Although there is a lot of talk these days about what it means to be a man
(less talk about what it means to be a woman, which says something about basic
male vs. female insecurity), biologists have a very clear and specific definition.
Whether they are studying ferns, fish, or human beings, males are the ones who
produce lots of small gametes (sex cells) and females are the ones who produce
a smaller number of larger gametes.

Ultimately, it is the type of gamete—egg or sperm—an individual produces,

rather than penis or vagina, breast or beard, color or costume, red shoes or blue
shoes, that determines the difference between maleness and femaleness.

Nature has worked it out for the small gametes to fuse with the large gametes
to begin the process of creating the next generation of ferns, fish, or human
beings. Since it’s easier to move the small gametes to the large ones, rather
than vice versa, it is the sperm that do the swimming to seek out the egg that
awaits the winner.
 How big are eggs compared to sperm? Although the human egg is
microscopic, it is large enough to house 250,000 sperm. Eggs weigh 85,000
times as much as sperm.

What’s the numbers ratio of eggs to sperm? A woman ovulates about 400
eggs in her lifetime. The male strategy is to produce as many gametes as
possible, to increase the chances of finding a large one. A healthy male
produces 500,000,000 sperm per day.

Think for a moment about how the world looks from a sperm’s and egg’s
perspective. If you’re a sperm, you’re small and outnumbered by millions of
sperm all competing to mate with a precious egg (You also have to worry about
some other man’s sperm who may also be competing for a chance to win the
sexual lottery and “bond.”

On the other hand the egg, is precious and bountiful and just waits for the
potential sperm swimmers to come knocking. There is evidence that the egg can
actually tell which sperm would make the best choice before she opens up to let
him in.

The egg/sperm gender difference is obvious, but its implications can help us
better understand why we do what we do and how to have a better sex and love
life. Biologically speaking sperm (and the males who make them) are always in
competition, always feel worried about being top dog or the best on the block,
and always a bit worried about their status. Eggs (and the females who make
them) are always being sought after, but never sure that once she chooses the
“right” one, she will always be the center of attention. Talking about this and
working out our values and actions are part of what will make sex and love
wonderful or a source of tension and worry.

Sex Secret #4: Males Are Roving Inseminators. Females Are Wily Choosers.

Compared to what is invested in making great big eggs, we don’t invest much
in the small little sperms. Likewise all female mammals, including women, invest
enormous resources in their offspring after fertilization occurs. Think building a
placenta, pregnancy, birthing, breast feeding, and rearing. Compared to this
males have little to do with the actual business of reproduction, beyond
producing sperm packaged in seminal fluid.

Again think of things through the eyes of the other. Females produce costly,
nutrient-rich eggs and males produce cheap, near-naked sperm. This relates to
male and female behavior.
 We all know that men are more physically competitive than women (again,
remember that I’m talking about most men and most women. Some women
could stomp my butt in physical competitions). Thirty-five years ago, a young
evolutionary biologist at Harvard University, Robert Trivers, postulated that
sexual competition is a replay of fertilization itself. Numerous males, like small,
hyperactive sperm, compete among themselves for access to females.

Women often shake their heads at the silly (and sometimes downright crazy)
things men do to get the attention of women. Success crowns those who are
pushy enough to out-compete their rivals yet have enough wanderlust to keep
moving, searching for new conquests.

Here’s a little thought experiment. If you all pretended you were males and I
asked you how many children you could produce in a year, if you worked real
hard at it. Most of you would recognize your huge sperm reserves and be able to
make lots of babies. Now if I asked you all to pretend you were women and
asked how many babies you could make in a year if you tried real hard. A lot
fewer, right? One, maybe two. There’s all that pregnancy to contend with.

Trivers called the males of our species “roving inseminators.” In most cases,
the female who invests more in offspring becomes the limited resource,
something for which the sex that invests less, usually, the male—must compete
to have.

Since sex can lead to a major commitment on the part of the woman, she has
to be a wily chooser, trying to make sure she gives herself to a man who has
good genes, resources to support her and her child, and a willingness to commit
his resources to her.

Because of the male-female differences in parental investment, competition

becomes predominantly a male activity and choice becomes a female
prerogative.

What competing is to males, choosing is to females.

Sex Secret #5: Males Are Drawn to Multiple Partners, Women Prefer One at a
Time.

One of the things I hear over and over in my counseling practice is a woman
saying, “How could he really love me and become interested in another woman.”
Men will tell me, usually in confidence, “I love my wife and want to be with her,
but I still am drawn to wanting to be with other women.”

All sex studies show this difference. “Among all peoples, everywhere in the
world,” concluded noted sex researcher Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues, “it is
understood that the male is more likely than the female to desire sexual relations
with a variety of partners.”

Why? We can decry the morality of this, but the truth is that promiscuity has
different biological consequences for males and females.

Now, let me be clear. Just because men are more likely to be drawn to
wanting multiple partners, doesn’t mean he has no choice. Understanding our
biological “pulls” can help us make wise choices about how we want to live our
lives. By ignoring our biology and insisting “I would never get involved with
someone else,” we often set ourselves, and our partners up, for disaster.

Be Aware of the Coolidge Effect:

Here’s a well-known story that illustrates this propensity in men. President

Calvin Coolidge and his wife were touring a model farm during the 1920s. While
the President was elsewhere, the farmer proudly showed Mrs. Coolidge a rooster
that "could copulate with hens all day long, day after day." Mrs. Coolidge coyly
suggested that the farmer tell that to Mr. Coolidge, which he did.

The President thought for a moment and then inquired, "With the same hen?"

"No, sir," replied the farmer. "Tell that

to Mrs. Coolidge," retorted the President.

Again, because a man may be drawn to having sex with multiple partners, it
doesn’t mean he must act on his desire and not all men have the desire. But if
you’re going to have great sex, you have to accept the biological roots of our
desire.

Sex Secret #6: When Men Have Sex, They Feel More Intimate. When Women
Feel Intimate, They Are More Desirous of Sex.

“Not tonight, dear,” goes the familiar refrain. “I have a headache.” Or “I’m
tired. Could we wait until the weekend?” We more often hear this refrain coming
from a woman, rather than a man (though as you’ll see in Sex Secret #7, this
may change as we get older and men’s testosterone levels begin to drop).
 Again biologically speaking women have a lot more to lose when having sex,
so they are choosier about who they mate with and what the circumstances are.
Men, particularly young men, are happy to have sex any time, any place, and
sometimes with anyone who is handy.

We see the biological basis of the males desire for sex by studying gay men
(before the AIDS epidemic). Generally gay men had many more sexual partners
than lesbian women. If the partner they desired wanted to have sex as much as
they did, most men would want more sex than they often get with their female
partner.

Most women, on the other hand, are desirous of less sex, but higher quality
sex. By that, most women mean that they need to feel an emotional connection
with a man, to be romanced, before they are ready for sex. “Sex is most often
something the man wants and the woman agrees to,” say David Barash and
Judith Lipton, authors of Making Sense of Sex. “Among men,” writes
evolutionary biologist Donald Symons, “sex sometimes results in intimacy;
among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”

If you’re starting to understand why having great sex isn’t so simple, I’m
getting my point across. If you’re thinking men and women can never find a
meeting point where they will both be happy, read on.

Sex Secret #7: Understanding the Hormone of Desire—Testosterone

It's been called the "hormone from hell" and "the fountain of youth." It is
blamed for wars, gang violence, rape, and the monosyllabic grunts of Sylvester
Stallone. It is credited with making men strong, shrinking their bellies, protecting
their heart, and boosting sexual desire in both men and women.

It is perhaps the most misunderstood player in the human sexual sympho-

ny. It is what makes those born with an XY chromosome, male. It is
testosterone. Here's how it works:

In the first weeks in the womb, the tiny fetus is neither male nor female. It has
all the basic equipment to develop as either sex. At around six weeks, the
sexual identity is finally determined when the special cells in the testes produce
male hormones, the main one being testosterone. "It usually does a nice job,"
says Theresa Crenshaw, M.D., an authority on hormones in men and women,
"crafting the penis and its neighbors, the scrotum and testicles, along with the
requisite body contouring."

We don't get much action from this hormone until it is awakened with a bang
when the boy reaches puberty and testosterone levels rise 400-1000%.
"Teenage boys become walking grenades, just waiting to go off," says Dr.
Crenshaw. "As production kicks into high gear, the psychological and physical
impact of testosterone is overwhelming. More than any other substance,

testosterone controls the development and maintenance of masculine

characterists. Facial hair sprouts, competing with crops of acne. The voice
cracks and deepens. Shoulders broaden, hips narrow. Muscles become lean
and powerful. Body hair and body odor make fine companions. Sperm gets
produced and wants release, often.”

But it isn’t only men who need testosterone in order to develop their full
sexual potential, women need it as well. Though present in much smaller
amounts, women too, have testosterone in their bodies. Those women who feel
that the world would be a much better place if testosterone were eliminated are
probably not aware of recent research which shows the importance of
testosterone to the developing female.

"Although it is only about 10 percent of the amount circulating through

teenage boys," says Dr. Crenshaw, "it is this testosterone, not estrogen, that
causes the heightened erotic sensitivity of the clitoris, breasts, and nipples. It
maintains the fullness, thickness, and health of her genital tissue as well."

There is also evidence that satisfactory levels of testosterone are necessary

if a woman is to have a healthy sexual life through the Menopause Passage.
"The fact is," says Susan Rako, M.D., "that female sexuality without testosterone
is a house without a foundation."

Both men and women lose testosterone as they get older. We hear a lot
about Viagra to help males with erectile dysfunction, but the truth is that many
men don’t have the level of sexual desire they once had. And you’re not going to
get an erection and maintain it in the absence of sexual desire.

My advice for men and women who want to have a good sex and love life
throughout their lives, get to know about testosterone. Each of us has a
characteristic level that we start with. Some of us are Hi T (high testosterone)
men and women. Others are lower T people. It’s like being tall or short, one isn’t
better than the other. There are some advantages to each. The main thing is to
get to know yourself in all your magnificence, including your testosterone levels
and how they change through time.

Sex Secret #8: Emotional Attachment is the Key to Great Sex and Lasting Love

If you want great sex and love that lasts forever and never gets boring, there
are some things you need to know that most of us have never learned. Forget
about learning how to argue better. Forget about analyzing your early childhood
experiences and how you’ve been wounded. Forget about experimenting with
new sexual positions or finding new sex toys.
 Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by
recognizing that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner
in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and
protection.

Many people recognize the importance of loving care and physical contact
with infants and children for their emotional growth and development. But we
think that once we grow up we no longer need that kind of care. We believe that
we must be more independent, stand on our own two feet, and take care of many
of these emotional needs on our own.

Men, in particular, are socialized to believe that it isn’t manly to cry, to ask to
be held when we are afraid, or to be talked to with quiet words of kindness and
love. I remember a cartoon that illustrated our view that “real men” need to be
tough. It shows a man and a woman sitting across from each other in a
restaurant having a romantic dinner. The woman has just picked up a fork and
stabbed the man in the bridge of his nose. The caption reads, “That’s what I love
about you Louie, you’re tough.”

I still wince, every time I think of the cartoon, but think about how much of my
life I’ve spent trying to be tough, so I could win over a woman who seemed to be
attracted to men who were tough. This is a case where our evolutionary roots
may not serve our own happiness.

Our genes don’t care whether we have a loving, intimate, sexually satisfying
life with our partner. They just care, if we can take liberties and say that they
care about anything, about getting themselves passed on. Women may be
drawn to strong men, but they’ll have a much better love life with a man who is
emotionally responsive. Men may be drawn to multiple partners, but they’ll have
a much better sex life with a woman who they commit to now and forever.

Dr. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist, the developer of Emotionally

Focused Couple Therapy, and a recognized leader in the new science of
relationships. In her most recent book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for
a Lifetime of Love she offers powerful insights and hands-on tools for keeping
your relationship alive, well, and passionate for life.

Much of modern psychotherapy has told people that there is something

childish or emotionally immature about being attached to an adult lover. We
have used terms like codependent, needy, and wimpy to describe people who
express those needs. But that is beginning to change.

Social psychologists Phil Shaver and Cindy Hazan, then at the University of
Denver, decided to ask men and women questions about their love relationships
to see if they exhibited the same responses and patterns as mothers and
children. To their surprise, they found that adult lovers have the same needs that
we had when we were children and that healthy love includes healthy
attachment.
In their answers the adults spoke of needing emotional closeness from their
lover, wanting assurance that their lover would respond when they were upset,
being distressed when they felt separate and distant from their loved one, and
feeling more confident about exploring the world when they knew their lover had
their back.

In Dr. Johnson’s program she says that the key to a lifetime of good sex and
love was “emotional responsiveness.”

How A.R.E. You Really?

The basis of Dr. Johnson’s approach is to teach people the secrets contained
in the phrase “How are you really?”

A is for Accessibility: Can I reach you?

This means staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and
feel insecure. It often means being willing to struggle to make sense of your
emotions so these emotions are not so overwhelming. You can then step back
from disconnection and can tune in to your lover’s attachment cues.

R is for Responsiveness: Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?

This means tuning in to your partner and showing that his or her emotions,
especially attachment needs and fears, have an impact on you. It means
accepting and placing a priority on the emotional signals your partner conveys
and sending clear signals of comfort and caring when your partner needs them.
Sensitive responsiveness always touches us emotionally and calms us on a
physical level.

E is for Engagement: Do I know you will value me and stay close?

The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed, attracted, pulled,

captivated, pledged, involved. Emotional engagement here means the very
special kind of attention that we give only to a loved one. We gaze at them
longer, touch them more. Partners often talk of this as being emotionally
present.

I hope you can begin to see that this kind of emotional bonding is what is
present when we are having the best sex and love we would imagine. Its also
what is missing when we begin to pull away from each other and feel emotionally
alone and disconnected. If you’d like to learn more I recommend Dr. Johnson’s
book and website.
 Jed Diamond, Ph.D. has been a marriage and family counselor for the last 44
years. He is the author of 8 books, including Looking for Love in All the Wrong
Places, Male Menopause, and The Irritable Male Syndrome. He offers
counseling to men, women, and couples in his office in California or by phone
with people throughout the U.S. and around the world. To receive a Free E-book
on Men’s Health and a free subscription to Jed’s e-newsletter go to
www.MenAlive.com. If you are looking for an expert counselor to help with
relationship issues, write Jed@MenAlive.com.