FINAL REPORT PERSONAL CHANGE PROJECT

Name: Leo Putnam

Class: Comm-2110-F14
Submitted to: Dr. Carolyn Clark
Date: Nov 25 2014

Overview
My personal change goal was to learn how to manage my emotions. My main desire was to change
my habits and not take out my frustrations or stress on my wife and daughter, making my relationship
with them stronger and more fulfilling. My desires were to first identify my emotional noise (128),
second improve and change my interpersonal communication/self-talk (48) third to stop avoiding (235)
my unchecked emotions and hoping that they will just take care of themselves. By doing these things I
would learn to better identify and deal with my emotions. During this process one of my biggest
challenges was making the personal changes that I needed to. During each day at work I tried to be
conscience of my emotions and what was the cause of the. I tried to adjust my self-talk and be less likely
to snap at my wife. In the end I built better habits and have increased joy and happiness with my family.
I have a long way to go, but this project will help me to continue building stronger personal
relationships.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
As I tried to decide on a communication pattern that I wanted to change, I did a self-evaluation and
found that often times I would come home from work, stressed and worried about many things. I would
spend my time as I drove from appointment to appointment involved in a lot of self-talk. I went over
things that bothered and stressed me and fed negative emotions. When I returned home I would be
moody and be short or rude with my wife or daughter over little things. A couple of examples are as
follows:
Back in September I had just quit a high paying job in order to go back to school. I was just getting
started in online classes which were a huge change for me. I also was just starting a new job after going
4 weeks with out one. Money was tight and my wife and I didnt know how we were going to pay rent.

During the day at work I was constantly going over the negatives in my mind. I had let my emotions
build up and was basically a moody wreck at the end of the day. After getting home I was going over a
home work project when my wife asked what I wanted for dinner. I became a little snappy and said. I
dont care just what ever. My tone of voice was very rude. She then made the comment, well arent you
just mister happy. I looked up and said, you know what; Ill just make my own food and do my
homework in the bedroom. We went the rest of the night, both in bad moods and did not really talk
until the next day.
On another occasion, I had had a very long day at work. The pump on my truck would not suck up the
water and product so I could spray and I was constantly running behind. I had to deal with several
difficult customers, and I was tired from staying up late doing homework the night before. By the time I
got home from work I was in a very bad mood. My family and I had dinner and started to settle down. I
started doing that nights homework and my daughter wanted to watch a movie. She loves the movie
frozen and just has to sing and jump around through the entire movie. I took as much as I could and
then snapped. I looked up at the computer and in a harsh voice I told her that she needed to stop
singing and dancing around. She needed to just sit down and watch the movie or go in the other room.
She just looked at me with a blank stare and then went to her room. Not long after I could hear her
crying. When I went and asked her what was wrong she just said. All I wanted to do was sing and have
fun but you always get mad. I had to take a deep breath and apologize for being mean. After getting her
to laugh she went back to the movie and I took my homework to a different room. Later my wife made
the comment; you know she is only 5!
In both of these situations, feelings were hurt. I had ignored the fact that communication is irreversible
(11) The damage was done and it was not because of anything my wife or daughter had done, it was
simply because I had not managed my emotions (241) I was personally starting conflict (221) between
my wife and I.
Strategies
As I went through the process of learning about what I needed to do to change, I would often go over
my personal change proposal. I found that the number one strategy that I needed to fully work on was
managing my emotions. I really had to be aware of the things that got me frustrated or angry. I had to
really ponder and try to understand why I was angry and then make a conscience decision to deal with
my emotions and not hold them inside. (241-242) as I made the decision to deal with my emotions, I had
to accept that I loved to just avoid problems. This was another one of the strategies that I wanted to
implement and goes hand in hand with managing emotions. I found that in this case Avoidance was me
tucking my emotions inside. Choosing to not deal with them and hope that if I did not face them and in
some cases not talk to anyone, then my anger and frustrations would just go away. (235) This was not
the case because most of the time as I avoided dealing with my emotions my self-talk would continue
and it would be in a negative way. Self-talk is the conversations that go on in our minds and with
ourselves. (48) So my plan was to identify my emotions. As I would go through each day, and start to
feel frustrated and or angry, I would try and stop and identify just what it was that made me feel that
way. I would then face the situations and adjust my self-talk to help me deal with the emotions instead

of fueling the fire. I identified my self-talk as the number one fuel of negative feelings. I would hash and
rehash events and actually keep myself frustrated and or angry.
Constraints
I found that my biggest challenge in making this change of habit was myself. I found myself resisting
change. Making a change is often very difficult for anyone. We as humans are creatures of habit and it
was no different for me. Even though I knew that I needed to change, I sometimes became stubborn and
asked myself what am I doing this for? I had to remind myself of the benefits and the desire I had to be a
better husband and father. If I was going to be a better person, capable of actively listening and being a
loving, understanding husband and father, then I needed to make this change and get my emotions in
check. Another obstacle that I faced was changing the habit of negative self-talk. I quickly realized that I
did a lot of negative self-talk and rehashed things that made me feel angry or frustrated over and over.
For example, One morning as I was getting ready for work I was in a big hurry and left without my
phone. I need my phone so that I can contact customers and so that the office can communicate with
me. It was a 45 minute commute to work that day. I got about half way there when I realized that I had
left my phone. I had to return to get it. When I got to my first appointment I was very late and frustrated
because I knew it would be a long day of catch up. Then my motor would not start, it kept flooding its
self. To make matters worse the customer was very picky and the service took longer than normal to
complete. For the rest of the day I would get angry at every little thing, from stop lights to slow drivers.
From having to fill up the truck, to a different difficult customer. I constantly rehashed the events from
first thing in the morning and beat myself up for forgetting my phone and then everything else that
went wrong. I did not keep any emotions in check, I did not deal with them and instead of working
steady and hard to catch up, I relived the circumstances in my mind and became angrier and more
frustrated.
Implementation
During these past few weeks I have found that change can be very difficult, I had to remind myself to
keep trying. When I first started, I was very gun ho. I spend the first few days after work sitting in my
truck after identified how I was feeling. If I had a long day and needed to calm down I would take deep
breaths and talk to my self positively. I would remind myself of why I chose to do this project and renew
my desire to do better. I found it easy to be happier. However, after the first couple of weeks I found
myself slacking. I ran into the constraints listed above. I basically fought change. I would be in a bad
mood and say to myself that I really didnt want to do this, or that it was just too difficult. Other times
after I would get short with my daughter and make her and my wife upset, I would sit down and go over
my proposal for change and renew my determination. In the end I have a very long way to go. I feel that
I could do a lot better, and put forth a much better effort. This is not all a negative thing however; I
found that after many failed attempts, that I actually started having some success. I was starting to catch
myself going through the negative self-talk and make a conscience effort to change it. For instance,
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was driving to an appointment when I thought to myself, man I am starting
to feel very angry. I took a few minutes to identify why that was. I was frustrated that an earlier

customer had wanted to just stand and talk, he was an older gentleman and loved to tell stories. He
basically just wanted to buddy up. This however made it so I was very late for my remaining services. I
identified that I was actually telling myself negative things about the situation and wishing that he didnt
want to talk to me. I made and built up my own anger. After Identifying why I was feeling that way, I was
able to adjust my self-talk. I put myself in his shoes and thought what it must be like, to be an older
gentleman with no one to really talk to. It must be very lonely and on the other hand very exciting when
someone would take the time to listen and talk to him even for a few minutes. I realized how silly I was
being and was able to adjust my feelings. After looking at things from his point of view, I calmed down
and actually felt good that I had taken some time to spend with him and be a friend. It was actually a
rewarding feeling after that. My mood changed and I was able to go forward and have a good day. This
paid off later when I got home also. I was able to share this experience with my wife and we had a good
night just spending time together and talking. I was able to actual listen actively to my wife and her day.
(137) I was able to not be self-absorbed (126)and just let the night be about her and be sympathetic to
her needs. (138)
Another successful time came a while ago. I found myself studying for one of my midterms. I was
having a very difficult time remembering some medical terms. I kept getting them mixed up. I decided
that I needed to make flash cards to help me with this. So I took an hour or so and built some flash cards
on my computer. I was very excited for all the work I had done and felt that I would be able to
remember the things that I needed to. It was also late and I was getting tired. I just wanted to go to bed
and start again tomorrow. As I finished up my cards I went to print them. (I did not take the time to save
first) For some reason my computer froze. I could not get it to do anything. After about 20 minutes I
realized I would have to restart my computer. After restarting it I was unable to find my flash cards. I
was very tired and now very frustrated. I let out a groan. My wife asked me what was going on and what
happened. I looked up at her and just before I blurted out things that I shouldnt and taken my
frustration out on her , I stopped. I took a deep breath and calmly said. I just lost all the stuff that I have
been working on and am now very frustrated. I am going to go to the room for a few minutes I was able
to go to our bedroom and calm down. I was frustrated but I knew it was not her fault. It was mine for
not saving when I knew better. After I got my emotions in check I went back out to the living room. I told
my wife what had happened. She then said, why dont you just pull it back up? I asked her what she
meant because to me it was gone. She was able to come over and show me how the computer had
actually self-saved and found the flash cards for me. From this experience we were able to have a calm
conversation. She was able to teach me something new and I was able to control my emotions. Instead
of me saying hurtful things and ending up in an argument, I was able to finish my project and study
effectively for my midterms.
Results
I feel that I have gained ground on improving my self-talk, engaging in positive thinking and not being
quick to anger. I catch myself thinking more positively of situations instead of jumping straight to the
negative. In short, I feel that I am better able to identify the causes of my emotions and therefore deal
with them. However the negative side is that because I fight change and I often identify my emotions, I
choose not to deal with them. I revert back to the avoidance mode that I have and hope things will just

magically change. I wish that I was farther along and worked harder at managing my emotions instead of
procrastinating change.
All in all it has been an up and down adventure. I had the idea that I would completely change and have
a new habit by now. I have not done this. I have had to accept the fact that there is a lot of work
involved in changing bad communication habits. It was unrealistic for me to think I would have this new
habit when I didnt put in all of the effort that was needed. I feel that I have come a long ways and am
doing better than I was before, however I know that I need to continue working on this. Basically I need
to have a pure desire to change and stop fighting it. Then continue with the strategies lined out above.

Recommendations
My plans for the future is to continue working on the stratagies above. As I reflect back on this project
I remember more fully why I chose this particular change. I want to improve as a person and a father. I
feel that as I put forth more effort to change, I will be able to apply this to more relationships in my life.
In discussions I have shared some of the relationships I have with family members. Some not so good
and others are ok. I would like to improve them also. I know that this habit was formed long ago and I
have hurt family members with my unchecked emotions. There have been times with my sister inlaw
that things would have gone differently if I would have had my emotions in check. That is one
relationship I would really like to improve, not just for me but for my brother and I. We used to be very
close, best friends even. Now we are distant and a lot of that has to do with the relationship that his
wife and I have. With this change and as I move it out to other family members and friends, I will add in
bettering my listening skills. Mainly my critical listening skills (131) and work on providing confirming
responses (148)
This project has given me a great opportunity to grow and change. As I continue to work on this,
only positive things can come from it. With better communication skills I can have richer, more fulfilling
relationships. As I continue in school, I will have plenty of opportunities to work on my communication
skills. Finally as I move forward, my next goal is to study and learn more about managing relationship
challenges (282) I have chosen a career in psychology and I am going to need to be proficient in all
aspects of communication to be successful.

Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2014). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston: Pearson.