Fall

Term Paper
Honors Contact
Psych 305

2014

Family of Origin, Current Psychopathology,

and Self-Adjustment in Romantic
Relationships: Analyzing the Roots of
Communication and Conflict Resolution Styles
and Self-Directed Improvement Programs for
Distressed Couples

Joshua Fuller






Supervised by: Dr. Brigit Van Widenfelt

Therapy for distressed couples traditionally has two core phases: (1) analyzing problems within the relationship
and (2) teaching the couple positive communication and conflict resolution skills. In analyzing a couples
current problems, especially those pertaining to dysfunctional relationship patterns, the clients families of
origin and current psychopathologies should be assessed to fully understand the foundations for maladaptive
relationship behavior. In addition to helping a distressed couple find the source of their problems, therapists
assist couples in learning new positive communication and conflict resolution skills through self-adjustment
that the couple can implement in their daily lives. This essay seeks to review selected literature on the
influence of family of origin and current psychopathology on romantic relationships communication and
conflict resolution styles, as well as the literature on self-adjustment programs for individuals in distressed
relationships.

T e x a s A & M U n i v e r s i t y

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

Introduction: Conflict in Romantic
Relationships as a Product of Social
Learning and Psychopathology

Romantic relationships are considered
by many to be paradoxical. Why does being
in love contain significant amounts of
conflict? Although relational conflict
overwhelms many couples, conflict in any
relationship is inevitable and indicates that a
relationship is healthy. Dr. Warren, a clinical
psychologist and founder of the popular
matchmaking
website
eharmonoy.com,
believes that conflict in a relationship is
necessary because no conflict reveals that
either one person has decided to let the
other person do all the managing of the
relationship or [the couple is] just
pretending that conflict doesnt exist,
(Warren, 2014). Neither of these are healthy
solutions to dating or marital dissatisfaction.

Despite this fact, many people in
committed romantic relationships do not
believe that conflict in their relationship is
healthy or lack the skills to manage relational
conflict in an effective manner. Statistics
reflecting the causes of divorce in the United
States cite lack of commitment (73%) and
too much arguing (56%) as the prime (and
often overlapping) sources of marital
disharmony and dissolution, showing that
conflict often leads to relationship
dissolution
(Utah
State
University
Curriculum). However, it is arguable that in
most of these divorces too much arguing is
actually
arguing
with
ineffective
communication styles, which results in failed
conflict resolution. Over time, the failure to
resolve various conflicts due to poor
communication methods will culminate in a
low sense of self-efficacy and hope regarding
the relationship.

Effective communication and conflict-
resolving skills are crucial to healthy conflict
in dating and marital relationships.
Unfortunately, clearly many individuals lack

the ability to resolve disagreements between

themselves and their partners effectively,
which can lead to relationship withdrawal,
stagnation, termination, and even violence in
some circumstances.

Indisputably, each individual has
unique experiences with communication and
conflict in his or her intimate relationships,
and these are largely correlated with socially
learned communication styles and conflict-
resolution strategies from early childhood.
Psychologists like Framo, Koerner and
Fitzpatrick have developed Family-of-Origin
theory, which states that communication and
conflict-resolution patterns in adult intimate
relationships can be traced to family
communication and conflict-resolution styles
observed in an individuals childhood family.
Similarly, studies like Whisman et al. (2004)
have demonstrated that psychopathology in
one or both partners in a relationship is a
significant contributing factor to relationship
distress and relationship dissatisfaction.

The purpose of this essay is two-fold.
Firstly, this essay will review the literature
on family of origin and current
psychopathology and their impact on
communication and conflict-resolution
problems
within
adult
romantic
relationships. By reviewing this literature,
this article seeks to reinforce the idea that
family of origin analysis and current
psychopathology should be integrated in the
treatment of couples seeking dating or
marital counseling. Secondly, this essay seeks
to offer suggestions (inspired by Halford,
Sanders, & Beherns (1994) and Watson and
Tharps Self-Directed Behavior: Self-
Modification for Personal Adjustment (2014))
on how the treatment of individuals seeking
couples or marital therapy should not be
merely dyadic, but also incorporate the
strategies of self-adjustment psychology into
an active, individual-centered approach to
solving a couples problems. This proposal
allows for the couple to still focus on

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

resolving joint problems, while additionally
attending to their personal plan for self-
change that will benefit the relationship
overall.

Only a holistic approach that
considers the families of origin of both
partners in a relationship and current
psychopathology, combined with both dyadic
and self-adjustment therapy will allow for a
therapist and a couple to enhance
communication and conflict-resolution skills
within the current dating or marital
relationship. Simultaneously, this approach
allows the therapist and couple to pursue
long-term dating or marital success by
applying the principles of self-adjustment to
practice the newly learned communication
and conflict-resolution strategies outside of
the clinic. Additionally, an approach including
self-adjustment therapy will allow for
individuals to modify their own behavior and
perceptions of conflict within their intimate
relationships.

Section I: Family of Origin as a Predictor to
Dating and Marital Communication and
Conflict Resolution Styles, as well as an
Indicator of Increased Likelihood of
Relationship Violence


As early as Albert Banduras famous
Bobo Doll experiments (1961 and 1963),
psychologists have theorized that a
significant portion of an individuals learning
about societal norms and skills is due to his
or her psychosocial system. A psychosocial
system can include family, friends, cliques,
study groups, crowds, and teams (Watson
and Tharp, 2014, pg. 145). However, for the
purpose of this paper, we will focus on how a
childs direct observation of parental models
contributes directly to their learning of
communication and conflict resolution skills
used in their future intimate relationships.
(Parents do not necessarily have to be a
childs biological parents, but rather a couple

with which the child spends the majority of

their time and/or resides.) The nuclear
family unit (at least in western societies) is
the primary source of any childs
development in the realm of communication
and conflict-resolution styles, as well as a
host of other important socio-psychological
functions.

Family of Origin explains the process
through which an individuals childhood
family imprints communication and conflict-
resolution scripts of behavior on said
individual. Analyzing Family of Origin helps
therapists and clients to understand potential
sources of dysfunctional dating and marital
patterns. James Framo, the pioneer of family
therapy, describes these learned schemas in
adult intimate relationships as insoluble,
intrapsychic conflicts, derived from the
original family, being acted out, replicated,
mastered, or defended against with current
intimates, (Framo, 1980, pg. 115). Framo
concludes that many issues a couple may
experience can be traced to one or both
partners family of origin because an
individuals family of origin is the greatest
imprinting mechanism of values, beliefs, and
social skills (Framo, 1980, pg. 115).

At the time of release for Framos
article, The Integration of Marital Therapy
with Sessions with Family of Origin, the
nature of the connection between issues of
communication and conflict resolution in a
marriage and family of origin was considered
complicated and poorly understood
(Framo, 1980, pg. 115). However, work in
recent years has confirmed the kind of
conflict behaviors partners exhibit during
interpersonal conflict depends heavily on
how they were socialized in regard to conflict
[in their family of origin], (Koerner and
Fitzpatrick, 2002, pg. 235). Communication
patterns in a family of origin are measured in
terms of conversation level and
conformity to create a scale of four primary
family of origin types, (Koerner and

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

Fitzpatrick, 2002). The typology of the four
family structure (as discovered by Koerner
and Fitzpatrick, 2002) is as follows:

Consensual: High in conversation and
high in conformity. These families are
characterized by tension with the
family status quo and conflict is
considered negative, often resulting in
rare, but openly aggressive verbal
conflict.
Pluralistic: High in conversation and
low in conformity. Individuals from
these families tend to be open and
unrestrained and are characterized by
relatively low levels of conflict
avoidance.
Protective: Low in conversation and
high in conformity. These families are
focused on the enforcement of the
family norm. Individuals from these
families respond negatively to conflict,
often with open hostility. This family
type is characterized by a lack of skills
to resolve conflicts and is, thus, high in
avoidance.
Laissez-faire: Low in conversation and
low in conformity. There is little to no
communication about any topic and
family members are generally
unsupportive of one another. These
families also tend to avoid conflict and
aggression all together.



Studies conducted, like that of
Koerner and Fitzpatrick (2002), largely
support the idea of a family of origin
compass. Using this compass, therapists can
use to analyze a clients family of origin
communication and conflict-resolution
patterns in an attempt to understand the
source of current dysfunctional patterns in a
couples relationship. However, in future
research regarding family of origin
communication psychologists need to

overcome several limitations that are

common in studies like Koerner and
Fitzpatrick. For example, the researchers
used available samples (college students)
instead of finding a more representative
sample of the general population.
Additionally, data on communication
patterns was assessed based on only one
partners report and the researchers relied
on accurate recall of family of origin conflict
alone and did not integrate current family of
origin analysis as well.

Despite the limitations of the data in
Koerner et al., studies like Conger, Cui,
Bryant, & Elder Jr. (2000) and Gardner,
Busby, Burr, & Lyon (2011) support the
notion that the socialization practices of
parents [in the family or origin], rather
[than other sources] affect the quality of
interpersonal behaviors in early adult
romantic relationships, (Conger et al., 2000,
233). However, these authors present data
that support conflicting conclusions on which
relationships are modeled from the family of
origin (parent-parent versus parent-child).
Conger et al. reject[s] the observational
learning, sibling socialization, and continuity
hypotheses in favor of the parental
socialization hypothesis due to the data
indicating that the strongest indicator of
behavior in adult relationships is parental
interactions with the child (not their partner)
in the family of origin (Conger et al, 2000, pg.
233). Gardner et al.s findings indicate that
11(Gardner et al., 2011, pg. 267).
Nevertheless, Conger et al. demonstrates that
behavior of a parent toward a child in the
family of origin is highly correlated with
behavior styles in marital interactions as well
between the parents, suggesting that the
interactions [] between spouses in the
family of origin may have an indirect
influence on the later interpersonal
competence of a young adult through
parents' socialization practices, (Conger et
al., 2000). The exact impacts of the

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combination of parent-parent and parent-
child socialization have on the development
of adult intimate relationships are still
unclear, although recent research is
suggesting that the relationship is very
dynamic and likely interconnected.

A field of family of origin based
research that supports the complex impact of
these various socializing agents in the family
of origin is the field of research dealing with
partner violence in adult intimate
relationships. One of the most thorough
studies on this topic was conducted by Gover
Kaukinen, & Fox (2008). This study surveyed
over 2,300 undergraduate students about
violent experiences in their family of origin
and current romantic relationships. Gover et
al.s research concluded that for college-aged
students, the biggest indicator of the
likelihood (male or female) to perpetrate
physical or emotional violence against a
partner is victimization in the family of origin
through child abuse (Gover et al., 2008, pg.
17). With the exception of female
victimization in adult intimate relationships,
violence between parents in the family of
origin had no statistical correlation with the
victimization or perpetration of violence in
adult intimate relationships (Gover et al.,
2008). (One error with this conclusion,
however, is the fact that female victims
represent a large population of people
involved in or impacted by domestic
violence.) However, if this research was
taken at face value, it would seem to support
the belief that the interactions between
parents has a minimal effect on a childs
future communication patterns in their adult
intimate relationships.

It is critical, however, to again note the
interconnectivity of parent-child and parent-
parent interactions. In many of the cases of
child abuse there is a co-occurrence of
domestic partner violence. This supports the
belief that parent-parent and parent-child
interactions in the family of origin are likely

parallel, both contributing to the formation of

the childs scripts regarding conflict and
violence.
Childwelfare.gov,
the
US
Department of Health and Human Services
information source for individuals concerned
about issues of child welfare, notes, a review
of CPS cases in two states identified domestic
violence in approximately 41 to 43 percent of
cases resulting in the critical injury or death
of a child, demonstrating that there is a clear
correlation between child abuse and
domestic
violence
(Bragg,
2003).
Additionally, research examining the
relationship between victims [of domestic
partner violence] and their own use of
violence indicate that they are more likely to
perpetrate physical violence against their
children than caretakers who are not abused
by a partner or spouse, (Bragg, 2003). The
issue of child abuse and partner violence in
the family of origin and their correlation with
the victimization or perpetration of violence
in an individuals adult intimate relationships
validates the principle that parent-child and
parent-parent interactions in the family of
origin may play equal and dynamic roles in
the formation of a childs scripts for
communication and conflict resolution skills
for their romantic relationships in adulthood.

Researchers dispute the exact degree
of influence that parent-parent and parent-
child interactions in the family of origin have
on a childs future adult intimate
relationships. However, it is clear that a
childs social learning about conflict in the
family of origin is connected with
communication and conflict resolution
strategies in their own later adult intimate
relationships. Generally negative or violent
conflict resolution methods in a family of
origin are correlated with similar strategies
in a childs adult relationships. Similarly,
positive
conflict
resolution
and
communication is correlated with positive
conflict resolution skills in a childs adult
intimate relationships. Future research needs

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

to
focus
on
identifying
specific
communication and conflict resolution styles
in the family of origin that are successful or
detrimental in adult intimate relationships
(e.g. demonstrated withdrawal from conflict
in a family of origin between parents results
in a child withdrawing during conflict in their
relationships). Family of origin needs to be a
key element to analysis of a couples current
communication and conflict resolution
patterns.

Section II: The Relationship Between
Current Psychopathology and Marital
discord in a Dating or Marital Relationship


Arguably one of the most important
relationships that a person will develop in
their lifetime is their relationship with their
long-term spouse(s) or partner(s). The
quality of interpersonal relationships with
partners should then, logically, have a
significant impact on mental health
(Whisman, Uebelacker, & Weinstock., 2011).
Relationship discord does, indeed, have a
profound impact on increasing levels of
psychopathology. However, the connection
between
relationship
discord
and
psychopathology is actually bidirectional,
indicating that relationship satisfaction can
both be impacted by and caused by
psychopathology (Whisman et al., 2011). To
understand how psychopathology can impact
dating and marital communication and
conflict resolution strategies, it is important
to first analyze this bidirectional
phenomenon.

Intimate
Relationships
and
Psychopathology by Whisman et al. (2011)
analyzes much of the bidirectional
phenomenon between relationship discord
and levels of psychopathology. In an analysis
of existing cross-sectional studies, it was
concluded people who report greater
relationship discord are also the people who
are more likely to experience mental health

problems, (Whisman et al., 2011). Specific

studies state that longitudinal research on
the association between marital discord and
psychiatric symptoms indicate that baseline
marital discord predicts increases in
depressive symptoms over time, (Whisman
et al., 2011). Multiple studies have also found
that increased levels of marital discord are
correlated with the onset of mental
disorders, like depression and anxiety, as
well as substance abuse problems, like
alcohol-dependency (Whisman et al., 2011).
Analyzed alone, these studies suggest that
relationship discord plays a role in causing
psychopathology and not vice versa.

The relationship is, however,
bidirectional. Whisman et al. (2011) also
considers longitudinal data that baseline
depression in one partner increases the
likelihood of marital discord over time,
consequently also resulting in increased
depressive
symptoms.
In
essence,
relationship discord and psychopathology
are heavily correlated variables and
exaggerate or diminish the prevalence
and/or severity of the other.

If
relationship
discord
and
psychopathology are directly linked, as
suggested by the literature review of
Whisman et al. (2011), logically one of the
most successful approaches to treating
individual psychopathology is a couple based
therapy (CBT) approach. Discussed in
Couple-Based
Interventions
for
Psychopathology: A Renewed Direction for
the Field by Baucom, Belus, Adelman, &
Paprocki (2014), CBT is becoming
increasingly supported by clinicians in the
treatment of various psychopathologies, like
OCD, PTSD, and Anorexia Nervosa. Clinicians
that use CBT in their approach to resolving a
clients individual psychopathology largely
find the inclusion of the significant other in
the process of treatment for the individuals
psychopathology largely successful (Baucom

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et al., 2014). The three main types of CBT are
discussed below:

Partner-Assisted Intervention: The
therapist incorporates the partner of
an individual with psychopathology
into the process of treatment. This
approach is primarily focused on
using the partner to assist the
individual in maintaining the gains of
treatment and educating the partner
about what the individual is
experiencing with his or her
psychopathology, (Baucom et al, 2014,
pg. 449).
Disorder-Specific Intervention: This
approach integrates the partner of the
individual with the disorder into the
treatment
by
framing
the
psychopathological symptoms in the
context of how they pertain to and are
influenced by the current relationship,
(Baucom et al, 2014, pg. 449).
Couple Therapy: This is the general
approach for treating dysfunctional
relationship dynamics, regardless of
the existence of psychopathology in
one or both partners, (Baucom et al.,
2014, pg. 449).


Baucom et al.s (2014) literature
review indicates that the treatment of
various psychological disorders can be
directly enhanced through the integration of
the afflicted individuals partner into the
treatment program. Analysis of the literature
of how a couple based therapy approach can
help treat disorders like OCD, PTSD, and
Anorexia Nervosa is listed below:

OCD: Characterized by obsessions and
compulsions driven by fear and
anxiety, OCD can dramatically impact
both an individuals and couples
functioning. Clinicians suggest that

including a diagnosed individuals

partner in treatment will help treat
the OCD from the new angle of the
disorder within the context of the
romantic relationship. It is believed
that this will assist clients in
maintaining gains and improving their
response to treatment strategies.
Throughout this process, couples are
taught to be expressive and
supportive of each other, especially as
in matters pertaining to the disorder
and treatment (Baucom et al, pg. 451-
453, 2014).
PTSD: Characterized by the experience
of a traumatic event, followed by a
persistence of intrusive thoughts that
remind the individual of the event and
a prolonged state of hyper-arousal,
PTSD can have a profound impact on
an individuals and couples ability to
function in a psychologically healthy
way. PTSD is also traditionally
characterized by avoidance of
circumstances that remind the
individual of the traumatic event, as
well as the numbing of emotions. The
couple based therapy approach to the
treatment of PTSD primarily revolves
around individual techniques (e.g.
cognitive restructuring), paired with
teaching couples skills to be
empathetic
and
expressive.
Additionally, treatment helps couples
learn to work to problem solve around
areas of life impacted by the PTSD
patients behavior, (Baucom et al, pg.
453-454, 2014).
Anorexia Nervosa: Anorexia Nervosa
(AN) is characterized by a difficulty
maintaining a healthy body weight
(through malnourishment), intense
anxiety about weight gain, and
generally poor body and self-image.
Couple based therapy works, again, to

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develop healthy communication and
empathy strategies between partners,
as well as to help the couple resume
routine behavior (e.g. eating out with
friends or family on occasion) that
was interrupted by the disorder.
Additionally, therapists work closely
with the couple to reestablish intimate
behaviors and healthy ways to relate
to one another, (Baucom et al, pg. 453-
454, 2014).


The literature review presented in
Baucom et al. (2014) suggests that in some
circumstances the partner of an individual
inflicted with psychopathology may be one of
the patients greatest resources on their path
to recovery. Since the existence and severity
of psychopathology seems to be related with
relationship discord, it would appear that
treating the couple to assist them in having a
stronger relationship greatly benefits an
individuals level of psychopathology. While,
in theory, this approach is applicable in some
circumstances, couples based therapy to the
treatment of individual psychopathology can
only function under the premises that (1) the
partner who does not have psychopathology
genuinely values their relationship with the
partner with the disorder and (2) is willing to
work with the therapist and their partner to
improve the relationship and individuals
level of psychopathology.

The treatment strategies of CBT for
couples with one partner who has a
psychological disorder demonstrates that
there is a movement among modern
marriage and family clinicians that stresses
the importance of healthy communication
and conflict-resolution strategies in dating
and marital relationships. Arguably, the
relationship discord mentioned by
Whisman et al. (2011) and Baucom et al.
(2014) is the product of long-term relational
frustration due to poor or ineffective
communication and conflict-resolution

methods. As such, improving the overall

quality of communication and conflict-
resolution in dating and marital
relationships,
including
those
with
individuals with psychopathology, requires
an agreement between both partners and
individual action and responsibility. The
principles of Self-Adjustment should, thus, be
considered in the therapeutic approach of
treating the relationships communication
dynamics, especially as they pertain to major
issues, like psychopathological problems.

Section III: The Principles of Self-
Adjustment Therapy and How they can be
applied to improve the Communication
Methods and Conflict-Resolution Strategies
in Dating and Marital Relationships


The
implementation
of
new
relationship behaviors and perceptions
through the process of self-adjustment is an
integral element to the overall success and
improved relationship satisfaction of a
distressed couple seeking therapy. Self-
adjustment, referred to commonly as self-
direction or self-modification, relies on the
ability to control [oneself and] to exert
control over [their] acts and inner processes,
(Watson and Tharp, 2014, pg. 2). While self-
adjustment is traditionally used in the clinical
and therapeutic setting to achieve various
personal goals (e.g. weight loss or increased
studious habits), self-adjustment principles
can be applied to a wide range of habits and
goals, including desired changes in
interpersonal relationships.

One of the leading publications on the
use self-regulation in the treatment of
distressed couples, Self-Regulation in
Behavioral Couples Therapy by Halford et al.
(1994), proposes the inclusion of self-
regulation principles in behavioral couples
therapy (BCT) in place of the typical BCT
approach that focuses primarily on changing
ones partners behaviors and not issues that

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

the non-problematic individual could also
be working on. The rationale behind using
self-regulation in BCT is that while the
dyadic, we-centered approach to a couple
solving their problems is ideal, the dyadic
approach fails to specify what either
individual can do to produce change within
the relationship, (Halford et al, 1994). In a
distressed couple, both partners should work
individually to produce change for the
betterment of the relationship, but each
partner only has the ability to affect their
own behavior and perceptions. Thus, in
addition to promoting mutual support and
cooperation between partners within a
distressed couple, couples therapists needs
to encourage each partner to focus on
modifying aspects of their own behavior that
will lead to a benefit in their relationships
quality and a reduction in the level of
relationship distress.

In traditional CBT, one partner would
directly communicate with the therapist and
other partner about what s/he wanted their
partner to change in his/her behavior,
without appraising what s/he could also do
to benefit the relationship and solve the
problem(s) at hand. Halford et al. (1994),
however, proposes that therapists and clients
take an active approach in targeting
problems that each individual can work on to
better their relationship by asking clients
questions like, What do you need to do to
make your relationship better? (Halford et
al., 1994, pg. 436). Additionally, partners
assess their communication effectiveness in
an argument they and their partner have in a
session with the therapist (Halford et al.,
1994).

One of the primary goals of any self-
adjustment program is to have clients
implement the strategies discussed in
therapy into their daily routines. As such,
Halford et al. (1994) developed some of the
following recommendations for clients

seeking to use self-adjustment to improve

their distressed relationship:

Select goals that (a) are easy to attain
(at least initially) and (b) will benefit
the relationship
Focus on cognitions and anger
reduction primarily
Identify antecedents to problem
behaviors, as well as any reinforcing
consequences
Develop and work to create positive
memories with your partner,
essentially
replacing
problem
behavior with the new behavior of
remembering or forming good
memories with your partner


Halford et al. s (1994) suggestions
about
incorporating
self-adjustment
principles into the treatment of distressed
couples is revolutionary and can prove to be
very successful in improving relationship
quality in these couples. However, Hira and
Overall (2010) note that no matter how
successful ones attempt is at changing his or
her behavior within the relationship, if said
individuals partner is not perceived to be
making a legitimate effort to change,
relationship quality will not improve.
Generally an individuals attempts and
successes to implement self-modification
techniques to improve their problem
behaviors within the relationship correlate
with their partner attempting and succeeding
with self-change as well (Hira and Overall,
2010, pg. 623). However, while Hira and
Overall (2010) acknowledge that self-
adjustment in just the individual is better
than blaming his or her partner for
relationship dysfunction, their article also
reinforces the importance of cooperation
between partners in a distressed
relationship. Self-modification efforts in one
individual but not in their partner can

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

actually exacerbate existing problems and
lead to decreased levels of relationship
quality (Hira and Overall, 2010).

One of the greatest lacks in the study
of the effectiveness of self-adjustment
techniques in the treatment of distressed
couples is the determination of specific
communication or conflict resolution
methods that are scientifically proven to be
beneficial in decreasing relationship discord
and increasing relationship quality. Studies
like Bodenmann, Nussbeck, & Bradburg
(2014) evaluating the effectiveness of self-
adjustment strategies (e.g. learning and
applying communication and conflict
resolution skills through a DVD training)
have largely concluded that a distressed
couples relationship satisfaction benefits
from the implementation of self-adjustment
techniques
relating
to
positive
communication and conflict resolution (even
without a therapists assistance), although
the perception of success varies somewhat
for men and women (Bondenmann et al.,
2014). Depending on which self-help author
or clinical psychologist is consulted, the most
important skills a couple needs to learn in a
self-modification program vary widely.

The following are some authors and
clinicians approaches (both theoretical and
based off of their actual therapeutic practice)
to listening skills and confliction resolution
strategies commonly addressed in self-
modification programs for individuals and
couples in a distressed relationship:

Listening


A common focus of many programs
for dating and marital couples in distress is
increasing listening skills. Failure in effective
listening
strategies
can
lead
to
misunderstandings that create or augment
relationship problems. Some suggestions for
using self-direction to enhance listening skills
are as follows:

Adapted from Dr. Gary Chapmans

book, Everybody Wins, making an
index card of a written statement that
says something like I am a listener
can help remind an individual to listen
to their partner, especially if s/he
struggles with listening (Chapman,
Everybody Wins, pg. 47). The card can
be used during discussions between
partners, especially discussions that
the struggling partner(s) would
normally fail to listen (e.g. heated
arguments). The initiation of this
positive self-instruction can help
remind individuals struggling with
listening about their goal to become a
better listener.
Avoiding antecedents to poor listening
is one way to improve listening skills.
For example, Norman Wrights book,
Communication: Key to Your Marriage,
notes that mental overload, bad
timing, and physical exhaustion often
lead to diminishing ones ability to
listen (and communicate) effectively
(Wright, Communication: Key to Your
Marriage). Partners can make an
agreement
to
avoid
heated
discussions that require intense
listening during these types of
situations is one effective way to work
on improving listening skills.
Discussions after one partner returns
from work, has taken an exam, or has
had another stressful life event can
turn out very poorly, especially if one
or both partners are poor listeners.
Changing perceptions about a partner
may be an integral component of a
self-directed project to enhance
listening skills. Watson and Tharp
explore the power of faulty
perceptions in their textbook, Self
Directed Behavior, and how changing
these perceptions influence behavior

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

(Watson
and
Tharp,
2014).
Perceptions
in
communication
between partners relating to theme of
disrespect can escalate an argument
and quash any attempt at effective
listening quickly. Changing these
perceptions is key to improving
listening, and one way to do this is for
one to ask clarifying questions of their
partner while arguing. Examples, as
adapted from Everybody Wins, are as
follows:

o I think what you are saying is

___________? Am I correct?
o Do you believe I understand
what you are saying?

Conflict Resolution


Countless studies have been
conducted that have demonstrated that
couples who tend to think of themselves in
more of a dyadic, we approach tend to be
more happy and successful than those who
are radically different and think of
themselves more as an individual than a
partner in the relationship. Commonly
conflicts in a relationship arise as a product
of individual interests competing with the
interests of ones partner or the mutual goals
of the relationship. As such, effective conflict
resolution strategies are crucial to a healthy,
long-term relationship. Some methods to use
self-direction to enhance conflict resolution
skills are as follows:

When a conflict arises in a
relationship, it is common for a couple
to feel at odds to one another, fighting
to get what each partner thinks is
right. Viewing relationship problems
through a dyadic approach is a
method couples can integrate into
their conflict resolution together,
versus traditional conflicting stances

that separate the couple. One way to

do this is for one to make a reminder
or pre-commitment to remind their
partner during an argument that the
relationship is important to them and
that they are going to conquer this
issue together, (Chapman, Everybody
Wins).
Conflict resolution can be needed to
diffuse situations that make one or
both
partner
angry.
While,
undoubtedly, it is important to
acknowledge anger, conflict resolution
fails if partners continue to ruminate
in anger after an anger-provoking
situation transpires. Anger: Handling a
Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way
warns readers about passing
judgment on their partner without
first hearing an explanation of the
alleged wrongdoing (Chapman, Anger,
Handling a Powerful Emotion in a
Healthy Way, pg. 133). Dr. Chapman
encourages partners to recognize
anger and make a commitment with
their partner to work on finding a
resolution to the problem (e.g.
admission
of
responsibility,
apologizing, or finding a win-win
solution).
Compromising is an effective way to
resolve conflict, when possible. For
example, some small issues, like
painting a bathroom (as described in
Everybody Wins) can be resolved by a
50-50 compromise (e.g. paint one wall
green and one wall blue), (Chapman,
Everybody Wins). A good compromise
will have both partners feeling
respected and feeling like they were
benefited by the outcome of the
decision. Some arguments, however,
cannot be resolved by compromise, so
partners must agree to disagree and

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

not let this issue get in the way of
them continuing their relationship.

Using a self-direction program to
enhance dating or marital communication
skills and conflict resolution strategies. Self-
directed approaches have proven to be very
effective, but ultimately two things are very
important to their success: (1) investment by
both partners in improving their maladaptive
behaviors
and,
consequently,
the
relationship, and (2) determination to
implement learned techniques outside of the
clinic and in daily life.

Conclusion:
Family
of
Origin,
Psychopathology,
Self-Modification
Programs, and the Future of Interpersonal
Relationship Research


This essay has analyzed a variety of
research and existing data on family of origin,
current
psychopathology,
and
self-
modification programs and their impact on
dating and marital relationships success and
satisfaction, specifically in the frame of
communication and conflict resolution
strategies. While there is conclusive research
that socialization of conflict in the family of
origin impacts the communication styles and
satisfaction of adult intimate relationships,
further research needs to focus on specific
aspects of family of origin communication
(e.g. parental withdrawal during conflict) and
how
the
socialization
to
these
communication and conflict resolution
strategies
impact
adult
intimate
relationships. Similarly, although the
research on the effect of current
psychopathology on dating and marital
relationships is fairly comprehensive, the
majority of research in this area has focused
primarily on depression, PTSD, and Anorexia
Nervosa. Future research into this area
should
focus
on
other
major
psychopathologies, like anxiety disorders and

phobias, as well as pathologies that set in

later in adulthood, like dementia.

Regardless of the circumstances, it
appears that the principles of self-
modification can be applied to help
distressed couples. Traditionally, self-
modification programs are administered with
the support of a therapist. However, as
exemplified through the DVD-administered
self-modification study by Bondenmann et al.
(2014), self-help literature can prove to be
equally reliable if the couple is invested in
implementing the new communication and
conflict resolution strategies into their
relationship. Despite the effectiveness of
self-modification programs, it is advisable for
distressed couples to seek counsel from a
therapist when implementing their self-
modification plans to improve their
relationship. In addition to helping structure
the program, therapists can help individuals
identify and address other problems areas
(e.g. family of origin and current
psychopathology) that are out of the scope of
self-modification programs. Future research
in the area of self-modification programs in
intimate relationships should examine the
effectiveness of specific communication and
conflict resolution strategies on improving
relationship problems and enhancing overall
relationship satisfaction.

No dating or marital relationship is
exactly the same, nor will they experience
exactly the same problems. The goal of
interpersonal
relationship
researchers
should be to identify general approaches that
are successful in resolving underlying
relationship issues, as well as increasing
positive communication and conflict
resolution skills that are essential to a
healthy relationship.

Fuller (2014), PSCYH 305 Contract

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