ferrin nen Da ptt Pg Orem Netra top epoch Me ‘Seo Feet retin ‘To all the families and individuals who have let us help them—for showing us what works in parenting and what doesn't, To our own parents—for putting up with us as teenagers ‘and helping us learn how to be parents ourselves. ‘To our children—for teaching us the secret that having teenagers can be the best time for parents.{How to Influence 5 Your Teenager It just doesn’t make sense to some parents at frst. “A. good telationshipl?” they say. “My kids threatened with drug AUDSifaling grades/bed attitudes, and all you want me to do is have a good relationship with her!? IPT don't struggle ‘with my teenager, how can T make her a better person?” ‘OF course you'r® not going to feel you're the best parent for your teenager if you think the relationship approach just ‘means letting him get away with murder. Any parent also rately wants to have influence over her teenager, so she ‘an really feel she's doing her job as a parent, You can vse the relationship approach to make sure you have that Influence. ‘Suppose, to take a situation that bothers many parents, you want Your teenager to speak like an articulate person instead of mumbling, grunting, and using repetitive, meaningless slang. If you struggle with her about this, more likely than ‘ot your Hid will feel that all you want to do is control her. ‘And s0 she'll avold you, oppose you, or make fun of you. Here's how the relationship approach will help get you Influence. You've got a lotto offer as a role model. Anything you do that generates resistance and distance damages your ‘diectiveness. Anything you do that generates warmth and ‘ives your toenager moro contact with all that you58__Mia Kirshenbaum and Charles Foster easier for your teenager to talk to you, you'll satisy one of Your teenager's deepest needs. ‘When your teenager talks to you, and especially when she tells you “bad news,” you get real power, the kind of power you thought you'd get by battling for contro. I's only when {he con talk fo you that you can focus on what’s mast impor- tant in her life. For example, le’ say your high-school-age daughter seems to be getting serious about some boy and you're afraid that shell get used, pregnant, or hurt in some way. If you deal ‘with this by trying to control the stuation—say, by forbid ‘ding her to see the boy or making her curfew earlier thea ‘your teenager (who's struggling to rely on herself and become her own person) can only take care of herself by not telling you what she's doing. You. could end up thinking you're in ihe driver's seat when you've realy been left by the side of the road, with all your influence in ditch ‘But if you're more interested in your relationship ( it one in which people listen to each other) than in contra ‘Gwhen people tr’ to tell each other what to do), your teenager won't feel threatened by telling you thingg. You'l find out hhow she feels and what's really going on. Maybe you'll find fat that she feels more ambivalent about the boy than you thought, ‘Maybe she has fears you haven't known about Maybe she's having sex but not using birth control. Maybe ‘you haven't realized some of the ways in which she's Fant, Whatever the case, you'll know what's going om and ‘what you have to deal with. You'll have traded the iusion ‘of control for real Information—and come away the winner. OF course, when your teenager tells you things that are scary of disappointing ("Mom, | think I'm prognant.”), you may very well fel that you don't want to hear them. That's ‘very natural reaction to bad news. But it much better— find gives you much more influence to have an unpleasant ‘moment in an open, rusting relationship than what feols like 3 moment but is rally a lie in a relationship based ‘What you're realy doing by making it easy for your toen- ‘ager to talk to you is making a kind of deal with him, Its as = _PARENT/TEE 59 if you were saying, “Tl give up yelling, punishing, and le turing when 300 fell me something. Instead, Til jst Isten tnd realy try to hear what you're saying. In exchange youl {el me whats going on in your life." Max teenagers will fake deanna pares are made wien by is Listening to your teenager comes in handy all the time, Its ash you ean we even i your teenager is defying you, There your daughter stands, saying she simply refuses to come home By twelve-thiry, her usual extfew-—e station in which you ca lose power by fighting for control. You ean say, “You'll Fehomeby twelvethirty ores," but inthe long run, saying that kind of thing doesn’t work. There are too many ways Your teenager can sabotage You. On the other hand, you can fin power by listening. A question Ike, “Why itso im. Portane to you that you stay out later thun tweve-thirty?™ frill make your teenager fel her needs are being taken into count and that she basa chancs to influence you. ‘Nothing else will give you as much power. For one thing, you got information about what's going on with your dauge ter, and information is always power, What's more, by mak- ing your daughter fel you've taken her needs into account, you make her fel good about you: therfore, she's mor key Towant to please you and more ikely to take your need into account. How to Speed Up the Process of Getting Your ‘Teenager to Talk to You First of all, your teenager will tell you all kinds of things if you just stop Judging, worrying, punishing, and geting aangry—in other words, stop trying fo contol her. It may not happen tomorrow or the dey after tomorrow, but very soon she will get the iden that when she talks, youl listen and ‘othing bad will happen to her. How can you make this happen faster? Tell your teenager what you're trying to do. Tell her you're out of the control busines, Tell her that from now on you want to have a good relationship with her, and that meaas the two of you have to(60 _Min.Kizshenbsum and Chars Foster beable total to etch other, and that means you're going to Ikon to her Get ready for her to tet you. Count on it: when you'e proudest of your decision to sop controlling, your teenager ‘rl walk in and tll you some particularly ‘poeting Bist news, ealoulated to make you fll back into your old scold! Yell/ag routine. stad of falling into the trop, be rate This i your big moment. Sometines nothing's harer tan just listening without posing the pate buon, But fou Bas this one simple te ten the way ope for al a of future communication And to pass the test ail you bave to do is say something 'm glad you told me. fs important to me that you can tall me thing ike thet” And then don't sy anytng thse. There wil be plenty of opportunities ater to take eure Of your needs and conoems Teac, listening not facging, nt even commentng—can be very powerful in geting peur teonager to talk you Think ofthis way: there's a Ged numb of words etweon You, and the more words you use the fewer thee are for er, ‘And the fewer words that are avaiable to her the let you hea, and the les you hear the more youre in the dark And ou efectcencs at & parent comes noch, much more jm ‘thet gou hear thn from what you soy, When your Wd talking, bite your tongue and jut iter “Another thing you an do to make i sor fr your teen- ager to tlk to you's o avoid ring any amumplon about shat your Kid tr saying. Parent peed to much ne th thoy understand tice Kids, Ths makes teenagers eagry and makes them decide notto talk to tel pares. Wy bother talking when your parent alwaye miuedersands? For emple, one day Sally told her vry succes father that she wan't ambitions Doo tarted yelling: “Want de you want toe, « bum?” But Sally, who was about too af to College, only meant that she did't have Bad arc foals yet and tht what she wanted was todo well a eologe without ‘worrying about keeping to some preodsised lan. Don ‘would have toderstond thir i he nd ony asked her what PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH 61 cant, Instead be yelled at er, making it harder for her ‘iall to hi in the fatare ‘To avold making the wrong assumptions and to kep in formation owing from your teenager, es quetons If your Skughter sayrshe in love, your fees could take you hit the rol x tring Bt Yue nly bf be aig 2 for your teenager to talk toyou, $0 ask her what being {Stove menus to hers Let ber tl all about her feclings and thoughts Otherwise, you dont know what you should be ropondng to. emember, though, the pot of asking question ito gen- rato information and help your teenager open up, not to ‘him te third degre, Puthing for answers ins ay that rts your slatonshp with your eanegr jst pats you ight back inthe ftle bate for contol Trt takes ime to bud. “What about the times when you ask x question gently and sioerly and your Kd tl reins to answer? (Ibis happens toall parents} What can you do about? In spe of he fact that fea she were provoLing you to bale for contol, our daughters rusal to anawer yur question irony het {ay of ying "geting older, doo bong to you, the vray 1 used 1, and some things are just private now.” In ther words, she's sting up a beundary~and shel bo rate fal you respect ‘When your Kd sets up a boundary, you might feat chat youte lng control and maybe ever losing Her. But to 4 Teenager, every boundary powerfully symbolizes bath becom: ing slereliant and achieving an identity. When you attack the boundary you attack herat the very core of er ison. Tt may seeks a parades, but its absolutly true none- thal: the more you respect your kid's boundarc, the more Shell talk to you: And of cour shel talk to you: your re ‘esting her men she can fel sie, Sof your tonaper say, “TThats one of your busines,” the response that work Bes is something ike" not aking ean tap you ito some get won bt only we can te. Thepe yor tel me when you're ready." infact, asking guations Is one ofthe best ways to socurepenbaum and Charles Foter real power and strengthen the relationship at the same time, ‘Questions —sincere, interested, nonjudgmental questions ‘break through walls instead of building them. They are much Detter than the scolding, complaining, oF commanding you usually do when you feel powerless. But you have to ask the question as if you really wanted to break through those walls, as if you really wanted the brand. new information that will make you both fel close and pow. ‘erful, Teenagers hate being given the third degree: they're ‘suspicious of how powerful your information ean make you So make the question a treat and not trick T's a treat if you ask questions because you really want to ‘know and because the answers will help you get closer to your teenager. So don’t ask her asi you're Perry Mason preparing a cross-examination and looking for that one damning piece of self-incriminating evidence that will enable you to spring the trap shut. For example, if you say to your thirteen ye ld, “Are there going to be boys at this party?” and she says yes, don’t come back with, “Ahal That's why I don't want you coming home late! I knew there'd be a good reason,” ‘When you respond that way you destroy trst, and since mis trust destroys relationships, you lose your che to have any [Nor does it work to ask questions that aze really disguised attemps to push and prod. Pethaps, for example, your teem ager has agreed to clean out the garage, but time has gone by and nothing has happened. The very same question — "When are you going to do it?"—eould result in a defensive {Step bugging me, wl you” o in a ample “Lats this ternoon alter the football game.” It all depends upon how ‘you ask it, Ifyou get the defensive answer, or want to prevent Betting that answer, you can say, “Tm not asking this to bug, You; Ijust want to know s0 ean make plans, When are you ‘ong to do the garage?” Here are some more suggestions on how to ask questions ia ‘a way that builds bridges Instead of wals 4 IF you dont understand the way your tenager i cing, yottcoud ask, “What does itmeantoyou that joure. =F PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH 63 "If your teenager insists on doing something you don't approve of, you could ask, “Why is this so important to 7 « HPyou feel your teenage is sving you a hard time and that nothing seems to satisfy her, you could ask, “What do you really want? ence «+ Ifyour teenager stars sting in ways that make no sense to you, you Suld ask, “How do you want me to thnk bout what you've doing?” « If your teenager seems slen, obnoxious, and miserable, you cou ask, “How een Tbe hep to you?™ ‘These questions put out the fires of resistance and atthe sume time nourish Gowns, Te may aot all happen immed ety, but it start bappening immediatly. Ifyou askin 8 Spin of caring rather han as part of «scheme to Dame or ZRange your tenager, you wil make progres All you have fod sok questions tat help yon to talk each other, ‘Now youl be ane ofthe lucky parents Your kid wil be one of those teenagers who can say to her friends," can tll sty parents anything.” Getting Your Teenager to Listen to You Now, while geting your teenager to talk to you is the frst and most important part of having influence, most parents ‘won't really feel they have influence unless they ean get thelr ‘teenagers to listen to them, And one of the complaints we hear most frequently from parents is that their teenagers ‘won't listen. "So what do you do?” we ask. “T yall (or lecture},” they adit. “Does that work?” a “What do you do then?" “T yell louder [or lecture more)” But the solution is't to shove what you have to say down. yout kids throat. Getting him to listen to you isn't like get-64_Mira Kirshenbaum and Charles Foster ting your dog to swallow a pill. The reason teenagers dont listen sa that theyre dafective or that they hate you or even that theyre “just teonagers." Its that thelr supersnsitiv an tennae pick up the smallest hint of an attempt at control. By ‘fusing to liste, «teenager i saying, “Hey, youre ot really {eying to talk tome. You're jst trying to control me. Youre yelling at me, telling me I'm not OK the way I'am. Why Should Tisten to that?™ ly, the les teenagers listen, the more many prents fight to make them Isten-which only guarantees that they wont Iiten at all But the les you try control, the more she hears ‘what you have to say at alple Information rather than an tempt at contol, as ofering her choles rather tempting to make her choles for he, as sharing you Hence rather than attempting to limit hers. She ean come ‘loge to you because she trusts that the information you're f@ving Is not going to jump out and bit her. She oan listen {o you say yout don't ike something because she knows that your words are not accompanied by your saying she must do Something. "You know thi true because you know it works with your fciends. If your friend knows you care about her, you'l find that she will often Iisten even i you're upset, even i you yell Why? Beeause she knows you cant contol her. She does hhave to defend herself, or worry about resisting your contr, ‘So if your message is that good grades are importa, your teonager will be abe to listen to this only tothe extent that Youre not tying to make her skudy of be the Kind of person Ywho wants to study. Tf your message is that drugs ae bad, heli be abe to listen only to the extent that youe ot tying to control who she hangs out with, where she goes, and what She does when she gets there. ‘Ofcourse there's alrays& part of you that wants contr, and at fst ie might make you fel Belples if you're alwayt Saying things lke, “Tan tell you what to do but «Yet theso are the very words that make teenagers pay atenton! Saying, “You've goto -." or “This is the way itis ==” just makes teenagers tune out ‘Some parents confuse what we're saying here with “per PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH _65 srsivenes” or “letting the Kid get away with murder.” In Fe hor po comet. You teal pon wh rea ‘eed, and if you let your teenager step all over you youll {damage the relationship between you from the other end: she fey not resent you, but youl rent her So having the bert posible relationship with your teenager so menss somehow reooncling her needs with your woos, Bath are important Waster he ue the problem, o the ftuaton, you and your kid ere sting on ple of thas You tat dea ter, Even the a something tn ‘le as the acceptable volume for playing th sere, you can [ther ignore your preference for quiet nor her preference {echer own mie. But unl the O00 of you ae ling tad Istening to each eter, you wont know what the othe pre- fas, And unless you've worked to eliminate contol and have the bast posble relationship with your lid, she won't want te meet your neods How to Get Your Teenager to Listen to You ‘Your tznager wil lsten to ou when she dem’ feel youre teyng to ontrol her. Lats tay the comes home nd says, ‘Tear her bet fied] has Been smoking.” and you listened to what so bas tasty about this, aid you've sted her what this mean to her and how she fs about I and what sh’ planning vo do shout fe The fst rule in geting ert liten to yours to sap thinking bout trying to make ber do what you want. You can ma he bey you enywey. 13 oe might at wll make K postble for he to hear you Itch Eid” of snicotrol iter to your ips. Whatcvet Youre thinking of saying ack yours ts ely to make Your tnnager ey, “Yow ear tl me what todo Ti do mht "To see how this antcontol Alter works, Isten to the dfrene between these to tentenoss * You're going tobe in big trouble 1 catch you smok- won © “Tiget soared when T think about you smoking,”66__Mita Kirshenbaum and Charles Fost st sentence i Hiely to produce a you-cant el ne wi tondo response From your tacager, The second sentoncg EMkey to produce an Ton wantyouto-beseared re tponee hom her, Your Kd can lie to your words beat $e as presenting ber with a fact about how you fel “And thats de key: talk about ow you fs. Would so sey to fiend, “Ifyou dost sop smoking I'm golngt pun I you"? Or would you be more Hily fo syr and wou Your fiend be me fikely fo boar you, A you a, °T eas Take you stop smoking, but I'm aad jar gag to fing cancer nd Tem going to neyo” “Thetmore you talk abot how yu fe, the more you com's el jrsn to your Hd, Show her that ron poople| ven if theyre paeat—are often soofued aad colle tout how they fe You wan your lid todo well in scoal but for example, yon'may alo remember how much Ait choo: ou want het tostay sway from droge, ut Jo Nevcmber how mach yu enjoyed mrking pot ology The ope ie dst mater The pont i th em yeal jou tothe more you aze a pro and the les con Ullzr—the more your AA's eas ad heart wil open to wha You avo to sy, Abd the better your Hd wil ot sbout you ‘Which Tends tothe stp Getting Your Teenager to Do What's Really Important to You Here's where the rubber hits the road. ‘The essence of relationship approach is that when the two of you have {good relationship, your teenager will WANT to do many the things you struggle unsuccessfully to make her do now! ‘Shell want to do these things simply becouse thee tn tant to you, and you're important to her. Ts thie plein the sky? Ts this just «feel-good fantasy? No, its the cold, hard truth. Being a teenager means yo lid is more and more her own person every day. Anyti you try to control her by trying to make her do what — PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH 67 ‘want, you threaten the most important thing in the world to br right now: her independence. She doesn't resist you be- cause she’s just being ornery. No, she resists beoause you tell fer, “You have to do this, or “What's wrong with you for sot doing tht? Dont st yous up tn eppaton ton of the most powerful forces in the world: a teenager's drive to Independence and selfhood. Trying to do so is «loses game. No response is more lkely than, "You can’t make me," or “i Ike things the way they are.” But, helieve it or not, your teenager loves you That wonderful foundation to build on. If you have « good rela tionship with her, she even likes you, and the foundation is ail stronger. And if you respect her, shell respect you. Then the foundation is as solid as can be. Iti only this love and king and respect that give you any Influence at all— nothing ele. How to Get Your Teenager to Do What's Really Important to You ‘he only powerful parents nthe wor re hoe who have good relationship with their teenager. True, they don't have the power that controlling parents dream of, the power to make their kids turn on a dime. No parent hes that Kind of power. But they do have the only possible kind of power, the lind that comes when you say, “I can't make you do this, bat it would mean a lot tome f you did”—-and your kid then ‘wants to cooperate. Parents who keep trying, and failing, to make their teen- agers do what they want often can't believe that a teenager ‘would ever cooperate voluntarily. But in fact these parents te just like people who run after the family eat and can fever catch it. The best way to get the oat isto open a ean, af cat food (because food is Important to eats) and let ‘come to you. The right way to get a teenager to cooperate is to build a warm and strong relationship with her—-beoause that’s whats Important to teenagers.* “he tna that may pet aoe ht hones waa od(68._Miro Kirshenbaum and Charles Fost = ‘When you have this kind of relationship with your t ager, you can say, “Please do this for me,” and a large ps oF beenl want to, Your chances of getting what you w Will be vastly increased. With a good relationship your wor ‘al forth revolts, aot reastance, But ff you Gentand som {hing from your teenage, you will only male her want t dk you, vasly decreasing your chances of geting what yu Here's an example of what you can ge from having relationship with your teenager. Lisa, fen, came to ha parents about wanting to goto a rock concert on schon ight: was the sual tory all her ends were ging, she be home early, shed already done all her schoolwork, promised she woulda’ be tired for schol the flowing day nd soon. And, oh yes, it would just be this one Ure “We don't want you to go,” the parent sad. “You know, you can stop me,” Lisa sal, tating to ee they were trying to contra her. “They refusd to take the bait. They knew that short o physial restraint or dire threats they really couldn't stop her Nor did they want to ty. They knew thatthe control g dlocs't produce winners, only resentment, "What they hod going for them was & good relationship weths, “You igt we can so ou, un do wa You tog. Your grades have not boon very qood and it Soman el ng we hat yur go ot 0 soo! igi {es your lf, but we really don’ fe your going ot.” | “this stumped her. Lisa cared about how er parents fel ‘They had’ eroded ber respect for ther by along history ‘Hdlclous attempts at impose control, She new there 2 god chance they were right. Lis wes the one who'd boca Saying she wanted to start getting good grades And thi imiaing what she dd was iypotect to her she knew thal thelr tut ha reulted In her having ot more freedom than imany of her fends ise decided not to go—withoat any anger and reset PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH oe 69 spent. Itwas er decsion, and she couldnt blame her parents Jorit: (she'd boon seventeen instoad of fifteen, is posible Tita would have gone anyway. The relationship approach is fat a back-dour way of rcnliting inthe bate for control Bet Lisa's parents sll would have been winners, bocase the folot len control) Her parents handling of the tation fave tem Inlenoe Lint war abe to hats hel nn Sho was touchod by ther values In a way tat did't ma ier ret them, Her affection for her parents was strength. tend ping them the gets power of all the Dower of thelr er. faughter wanting to do things because she cared for "There's another reason why creating an atmosphere of mu- tual caring gives you influence. Normal teenagers can be very Tonely. Tt-may be hard for you to believe this if what you generally see is your teenager hanging out with friends Eilking on the phone. And the last thing she wants to do Is admit her loneliness to you, because it's critical that you of All people se her marching forward in the process of becom- fog llliant But your caring can soto her lndines. Shell be willing to fet you influence her to preserve your cating. Sl, poe yourcsog omnes i not yoweril enough. You can have the bet relationship rend with your, ad sh an car or you a bu ready to lease home and so even her caring for you Sent alway put her todo whet you want, “Then whet? This is when parents can get frustrated and ead up using the contol approach again, But you know that Sees work, Ther s something. however, that dos work, tlmod ike magle, to give you tniuence ‘The Magic Question OK. You've listened to your teenager. Your teenager has listened to you, You've sud, “Pease Go this for mor" but in spite of her real caring for yo, your tenager jst hasn't been Bio to give you what you wane“The solution to this comes right out of the recipe for how to have a good relationship. Relationships are strengthened by two people caring for each other, but they're also strengthened by two penple doing things for each other. Since you know how to have good relationships with people, you ‘ends know how to th: You jn have to apy i jour relatlonship with your teenager. 2° get that last measure of influence, when you've asked for something and your teenager has said no in spite of all Kinde of communicating and earing going on between you, just ak the magie question: “What do you need to give me what I need?” For example, you could ask, “What do you ned to clean up the ltehen after diaper without my nagging you or oot ving aight Or, “What do you neo to gt home by mi ign and to give me call belore you leave the party?” When you've done everything ee, tis s whet wil give you the bust chance of breaking through that last wall of your {enagere resitunce. It work because it tras command. lndcomtrol situation into Sc A\Deal” Instead of {aking contre, youse sharing power: Is ike the diference Between somebody stealing Jour ear and somebody makog Sous cash offer for your ea: yo Fel alot better when sme: ne offers you something in exchange for what youre ving th, And who cam say not «good Sel? othe better pour relationtip with your teenager, the sore likely itis tht you wil ot credit bargains Tn oor ‘experience «teenager won't coally ack that rsch fn rtirn for gving you what you want. ORen all thas to be i & token, just enough to satiny hs Gigi. And the more You ‘ck the magie question, the bettor your relationship with your teenager will be. Asking plugs you into a eycle where each fruitful deal you make leads to you and your teenager feeling, Detter about each other and getting more of your needs met. Unfortunately some parents don't Iike to do thi, beoaus they're worvied about their own dignity. “What!? Make a ___-PARENI/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH _7] dea with my own Hd? You want to make me a beggar in “OF course not, But while you should never be a beggar, you can n0 longer be the bos. ‘Thats what adolescence IBeans, The maple quetion “What do you need to give me ‘ehat I need?” takes Into account the fact that i the world of parentteon relationships, solutions must be negotate. ‘They cannot be imponed. The older your teenager gts the snore this s true. And the younger your tenager is when you sat doing this, the more the two af you will be fn the habit of negotiting slutons when he get older and the going gets “And thats what the magic question is all about really: « negotiation in which something is talked about, worked out fd mutually agoed upon. ls no big dal to make a del Its Jost you and your teenager sitting down together and talking and realizing that both of you will probably have fo ‘ay «price both of you are ging to get what you want ‘Kad you aren't puying that price because your Kid i hang {you up at gunpoint o beeauze you've lst your prestige. No, Ube pic simply recogniser te realty that you cunt pt wh You. want uns you take what your kid wants into scount ‘We said at the very begining ofthis book that we've bused the relationship approech on what maker suecenful parents diferent from unmucceefl ones, And one ofthe biggest i ferences is thet succesful parents accept that both parents tnd teenagers have needs and that, even if there's litle ‘trugaling tavolved, god sltions take everyone's neets nto tecount. Unsucceul parents elev that Parents ae wise ta toonagers are foolish and that only pazents know what teenagers need. This sa reipe for dase, You're nogotating with your teenager tot because you're wimp, or beoaus you're aad of he, or beonuse you n't tare, No, you're negotiating with your teenager because i ping roles maios bad slaionshige wore while negotiating ‘hn mae od retin bate he rs more, by going through « negotiation youl learn things about your teenager that you wouldnt learn other"72__Mica Kishenboum and Chutes Foster. Wise, and you'll communiate things to your teenager that ‘wouldn't get through otherwise. By making your relationship better in this way, youl be in an even stronger position to have influence PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH 73 Jerpried at how rarely this happens, but what do you do if ‘some to an impase? Thea the two of you have Ye arrive ‘Teme id of compromb betwen wht he was and wat can give I both of you give up a litle of what you want, ge eslition. And lesthon erect slulns tat work Zr inftily better than perfec solutiona that nooer happen ‘Here's an example of how a mother and daughter dealt with an impase like this, Agu, what's portant ere tt {be pertculer solution they came up with, but te proces they used to come up with it elon wanted her daughter, Karen, to tay home the sum- ser before her fst year ofcellege, Instead of going to work a hfeguard ate reort et Karen had been planning. Helen fad been sek and so she felt she really nea help both with the house and with Karen's younger brothers and sets, Using the Magic Question to Get Influence How do you make this work for you? And what heppens| after you say, “What do you need to give me what I need?” ‘There ae three possibilities One is that your kid will men- tion something you can give her, and then there's no prob. lem. For example, “OK, I won't go to that rock concert tonight—if you let me go to that rock concert « week from Saturday and stay over Betsy's house afterward.” If thats OK | with you, then you've gota deal. ‘Anodes polity that your kd wl ey he doesn't know fm ‘eyncse and with Kare’s younger brothers and ees wnt he nde andthe the two of yo have fo taku qr Moma Limon, but no” Karen sal, ates they tale Jou some up with somthing. For eampley nly he cart gf SC 44 think ofa single thing you can do that would make him spend another minute studying, beoause he hates studying so much, ‘You can't seem to suggest any offers he likes. Finally you say, “What's realy the problem here?” As the two of you talk it turns out that your kid hates his school, the other kids, the teachers, everything. As you listen toi complaiets, you Bnd they have some validity. It turns out there rally are prob- lems with the schoo. "Now you have something to offer him that works. “Let's try to find you another school. It won't happen right sway, and you'll probably neod good grades to transfer, but if you study hard now T promise well solve the school problem.” ‘Your teenager will feel some hope, and you've got t dea. ‘Of course, it doen't have to be this radical. Just don’t let the negotiations get bogged down because your teenager can't think of what he needs to give you what you nes. That doesn't mean you can't make a deal; that usually means only that you need to use a litte creativity In digging to find out what the problem is. The third possibility is that your kid will say he needs something that you don’t feel you ean give him. You'l be ‘After Helen asked Karen, “What do you need to give me what I need?” Karen Ginally said all she could think of was fing pl at Lt a mucha she would have gaten paid lifeguard. She'd be giving up her summer but at least the'd get the money she needed fr college. ‘But Helen coulda’t afford this ‘They had to find a way out of this impasse. Helen needed help. Karen needed money. And Karen felt she needed the experience of working at the resort she'd been looking for ‘ward to for so long. ‘What made the crucial difference in Helen and Karen arriving at some kind of solution was secing each other as partners rather then antagonists. Two people seeing each ‘ther as partners rather than antagontts& the key to ouccess- ‘negotiation. Over the last couple of years Helen and Karen iad managed to build a pretty good relationship, and they didn’t want to destroy it over this impasse. So they talked together out of « sense of respect for both of their needs, as Af they were business partners tying to come up with some- thing to help thetr jot business. ‘Karon and Helen did arrive ata satisfactory solution, but74_Mira Ki {ts important to emembor that another parent and teenage night have come up with «dierent solution. Once they wer fpprouching each ther as partners and were focused on what they really needed rather tha on what they were demanding of each other, It was an easy step to generate new option nd new ideas. Usually, goodwil, creativity, and s problem solving approach will breakthrough any impasse.” ‘As they talled, Helen realized that she dnt need help sixteen hours a day; she realy needed help only a couple af hhours a day. Karen realized that this was a vey special st uation und that her mother really needed help. 1 ened out that Karen had a friend who wa looking for job where she could work ony afew hours a day. Karen offered to pay half her frends wages i her mother paid the other half: Paying half of the friend's parttime wages would stl leave Rares with @ lot of earnings from the summer. And it wouldn't be Placing too much of Gaaactal burden on her mother, per ticularly since Helen didn’t want to ruin Karen's summer, “To prevent hitting s stalemate when you negotiate with your teenager, remember to expand your range of options tnd thew more po he negating pt. yo snd your teenager are geting along, then negotiations are only {ily to break down when you have too narrow a range of options, With Tilen and Karen the breathrough came when they included money and Karen's friend in the so So what you and your teenager nead toda if you're stuck 4s generate more postbilitie. Its very hard to get unstack i allyou can talk about is whatber she can or eat ave the ‘cr, of whether he ean or eant have the money forthe ui. But there ae always other things you ean throw inthe pot™~ like money, chores, other peopl, other action, and breaking things down into smaller pce All this can create more ope on And he reo i han the ore ey that you end your teenager will be able to figure out what she needs in order to give you what you need. = and Charles Foster gad aoe [Perey simple. You oan havea g000 relationship and have ‘influence if you PARENT/TEEN BREAKTHROUGH 75 relationship spproach will enable you to get what you a ra the contre approach real infeace + Get more Information from your tenager by Istening fod lng gon * + Get your teager to listen to you by making sure you're onveying real fformaton, ether aboot the world or stout how you fel «© Gat your teonager to do whats important to you by pre- serving the real caring in your relationship and wing dour teenagers caring rather than your attempts at cone fa ete mee ye mmemado en + Use the magio question, “What do you need to give me ‘what Teed” Notice something very important. We probably haven't told you things you didn't already know about relationships ‘Al we did was show you how to apply what you already use In other contests to your relationship with your teenager.