Herman Cai

Writing 2
De Piero
3/16/2015
Revision Document
Text from original
WP submission

Observation/Question Change made to what

received
I initially wrote

WP2

How this change

impacts the paper

WP2 Revised

Stedman supports
this idea in
Annoying Ways
People Use Sources
by stating that

I like how youre

weaving the course
readings into the
paper. One
suggestion/question,
though; do you think
that introducing who
Stedman is would
enhance this? Why
should we listen to
what he/she has to
say?

Stedman, a college
writing professor,
supports this idea in
Annoying Ways
People Use Sources
by stating that

By calling Stedman a
writing professor, I
am suggesting that
the quote comes from
an author who has
credibility. This is
better versus just
providing the name,
which the reader may
not care about.

Both the academic

and non-academic
sources serve their
own different
purposes.

I dont know what

your paragraph is
going to be about just
by looking at this
sentence. I should be
able to though

While the Economist

author builds upon
several separate ideas
in the article,
Perlovsky discusses
his own findings and
ideas; both the
academic and nonacademic sources
serve their own
different purposes.

By adding a topic
sentence that
encompasses the
following paragraph,
the reader will know
what I will be
discussing, instead of
reading with no idea
what it will be about.
This prepares the
reader mentally.

The scholarly article

does not have the
ability to reach out to
a wider audience.

It doesnt? Why?

The scholarly article

does not have the
ability to reach out to
a wider audience
because the average
individual is not
likely to be interested
in specific research.

I made a claim
without giving a
reason. By adding a
reason, the reader
understandings my
thought process
better and this
strengthens my

argument.
The way the authors
present their ideas in
each article also sets
the scholarly
publication apart as a
more successful piece
for academic readers.

What do you mean

by this, exactly? This
is a huge observation
and very important,
but Im not sure what
you mean by the
way.

Perlovskys use of his

own primary research
data sets the scholarly
publication apart as a
more successful piece
for academic readers.

Instead of being
vague with the phrase
the way, I was
specific in saying
what exactly made
one article more
reliable than the
other. Now the reader
has a better idea of
what I will discuss
next.

In comparison to the
site supplying the
academic article,
The Economist has
a much bigger
audience of over 8
million subscribers,
as a search on the site
clearly states.

I make an empty
claim that the
Economist has a
bigger audience, but I
dont back it up with
info. I included an
actual number and a
source for the
number, so that the
reader can make
his/her own judgment
on whether they
agree with my claim
(that the audience is
bigger.)

If you briefly
elaborated on this in
the topic sentence,
itd probably help
your reader be able to
anticipate what was
coming up in the
paragraph.

In comparison to the
site supplying the
academic article,
The Economist has
a much bigger
audience.

How do you know

this? Based on what?

WP1

WP1 Revised

When written with

the intended audience
in mind, a piece of
writing can become
so much more
effective for
anyone. Genres
should definitely be
studied, especially by
the aspiring college
writer, when knowing
how to tailor a paper
has such a huge
impact on setting the
proper tone for the
occasion
and appealing to the
reader.

Herman, Im still
wondering what,
exactly, youll be
arguing in your paper.
(Readers typically
enjoy having a path
to follow if were
able to anticipate
whats coming up,
well be able to
follow along more
easily.)

This essay will use

the example of blurbs
specifically the
blurbs written by the
students of this
writing class to
support the
importance of
understanding genre.
It is more effective
for bloggers to use
conversational tones
and an attractive
interface, because it
is crucial in
establishing a
friendly personal
atmosphere and
connection to their
peers.

I decided to scrap the

original thesis
because it seems to
be making a general
statement. I found it
difficult to make an
actual argument with
the prompt, so my
new thesis tries to
argue that using a
certain style/tone and
format will be more
effective.

[long paragraph]

This comment is in
reference to the
whole paragraph:

[long paragraph split

into separate
paragraphs]

Though this is a
structural issue with
the essay, I think the
change is important
for facilitating the
flow and the readers
understanding of the
essay. By making
each paragraph focus
on one point, it is
easier to follow and
makes the writers

When I see this

even before I start
readingI think,
Ahhhhhhh! Attack
of the page-long
paragraph!

thoughts seem less

cluttered.

The formatting of
the blog itself
contains conventions
of the genre, using
context and visuals.
Our saturation in
media and its images
is one of the reasons
why learning to do
rhetorical analysis is
so important. The
more we know about
how to analyze
situations and draw
informed
conclusions, the
better we can become
about making savvy
judgments about the
people, situations and
media we encounter

Id advise you to
refrain from using freefloating quotes (ie,
sentences that start and
end with a quote). The
reader is probably
going to be left
wondering, Who is
saying/citing this, and
how/why is it relevant?
Wheres it coming
from? Try to
introduce the quote and
give it context.

Published author
Laura Carroll claims
that the formatting
of the blog

Random tidbits of
personal information
usually follow.

Remember: this
paper/assignment
needs to be tailored
to an academic
audience, which
means it needs to be
formal and
scholarly.

Personal information
usually follows

By introducing the
quote before actually
using it, the reader
knows that a quote is
coming up. If I put in
a quote abruptly, the
NOTE: I decided to
reader is unprepared
take out this quote for to read it and it may
my revision because I throw them offfelt like it did not
guard. Introduction to
flow well and match
a quote also puts in
what I wanted to
the source without
discuss.
breaking the flow.

Informal language in
an academic paper
can easily throw off
the flow of the paper.
I have to take out the
phrase random
tidbits because it
seems like a change
in voice/tone does not
match the academic
style.

Faces can even create

a sense of relatability
and give the writing
more meaning, as the
writer is no longer
simply a mysterious
figure that no one can
picture. Bloggers also
add photos of their
possessions or
achievements, such
as their pet dog or a
proud moment after
climbing a mountain.

I think that some

specific textual tieins would help
solidify this bit more
itd substantiate
these claims and
bring them to life a
bit more.

These pictures draw

in the readers
attention and let them
know that the page is
not just a big wall of
text. There is often a
photo of the writer
placed close to the
beginning of the
blurb; an example
can be seen on
student Sabrina
Leongs blog page.

I wasnt sure how to

show the pictures
from the blurbs so I
directed the readers
to a place where they
can see an example.
By offering a link to
the actual text I use in
the essay, I am
providing examples
to support my
argument.
Additionally, I am
expanding my
argument beyond my
essay, giving the
reader a chance to
analyze the blurbs for
themselves.