Running head: FINDING FISH

Finding Fish:
The Remarkable Life of Antwone Fisher
Kendra B. Hansen
Salt Lake Community College
Psychology 1100

FINDING FISH
Abstract
Finding Fish, is personal memoir about the remarkable life Antwone Quenton Fisher.
Antwone was born out of wedlock on August 3, 1959 in a womens prison outside of
Cleveland, Ohio to Eva Mae Fisher, a minor, and twenty-three-year-old Edward Elkins.
His father was killed two months before he was born by another scorned lover. As a
result, Fisher became a ward of the state and immediately entered foster care. He
spent the first fifteen years of his life in foster homes, never knowing his biological
parents. He spent thirteen horrific years with a foster family named the Picketts, a
middle-aged couple with grown children. During his time with the Picketts, Fisher was
beaten, sexually abused by his babysitter, and emotionally neglected. For many years,
his foster father did not even acknowledge whether he knew Fisher's name and Mizz
Pickett referred to him as nigga the majority of the time. He endured their abuse and
neglect for years until finally when he was teenager Mizz Pickett decided that he was
not worth the money they received from the state for his care, and kicked him out. From
there he lived on the streets bouncing from one shelter to another to survive. During
this time he was miraculously able to study for and earn his GED. Diploma in hand, and
just having turned eighteen, he then joined the Navy. From then on, Antwone takes his
life and his destiny into his owns hands and forges himself into a person of noble
character. He sheds the cloak of abuse and pain and chooses to thrive instead of
succumb the years of hate and torture. His story is universal to the human condition
and a testimony to the resiliency of the human spirit.

FINDING FISH
Fishers story begins with his first foster mother, Nelly Strange. Mrs. Strange was
the only loving foster parent that Antwone ever had. She cared for him for the first two
years of his life. During his time with her, he was a happy, healthy child who was
developing normally as suggested in the caseworkers notes, Baby Boy Fisher is doing
beautifully in the foster home, where he is receiving much love and security. Antwone
crawls all over the place, stands and walks, holding onto things, he says hi and bye
bye;He likes pancakes and mashed potatoes;He smiles a good deal and appears to
be a well cared for child (Fisher, 2001). Mrs. Strange must have spent time cuddling,
mirroring, and doting on Antwone. It is clear that they formed a mutual parent-infant
bond. This is a strong, loving connection that forms as parents hold, examine, and feed
their baby. (Berger, 2014 p. 69). Mrs. Strange was very attached to Antwone as
evidenced by his caseworker, She said she wanted him and how can he move to a
new home, repeatedly saying she did not want to give him up;.Before the foster
mother left the office, she was admonished about holding the child so close to her,
making such a strong emotional tie between them;making it that much harder because
the separation would have to made regardless of her feelings for the child. (Foster,
2001).
The time he spent with Mrs. Strange was a sensitive period for his development
that very well may have been just the nurturing he needed at just the right time, possibly
setting the ground work to become a resilient, creative, and open person later in life.
The first two years of early childhood is considered a sensitive period in which brain
maturation and myelination lay the scaffolding for language learning and social
interaction. (Berger, 2014 p. 189). It is a time when a certain type of development is

FINDING FISH
most likely to happen or happens most easily, although it may still happen later with
more difficulty. (Berger, 2014 p. 8). Fisher himself realizes the importance that their
connection had on his development when he writes, Though Id like to think that my
first foster mothers loving influence during my first two years of life had a positive
impact on me, it seems that even before my first birthday she began to feel terrible
reluctance about her growing attachment to me. (Fisher, 2001).
When Fisher was two years old the decision was made by social services that he
be placed in the home of the middle-aged couple Reverend and Mizz Pickett. This is
when the perditious road of abuse and neglect begins for him. The Picketts were
approved by the state to be his caretakers, yet they treated him like an unwanted guest.
Fisher notes that A feeling of being unwanted and not belonging had been planted in
me before a time that became my memory. (Fisher, 2001). At the time he writes about,
Fisher felt that to be legitimized he had to be invited into a family by two people who
loved each other, a mother and a father. And the Picketts had no intention of inviting
him into their family. They beat him for the smallest infraction sometimes to the point of
unconsciousness. They excluded him and their other foster children from normal
childhood activities and special events such as Christmas and Halloween celebrations.
In particular, Fisher recalls a time when after working all week to prepare the house, he
and the other foster kids rushed downstairs early Christmas morning only to find
presents for the Picketts and Kieth, who is a lighter skinned foster child that they favor.
Mizz Pickett says to them, What yawl doin down here so early for? Aint nothin under
that tree fuh ya. (Fisher 2001). She makes it clear to them that they are not included in
the familys celebration and never will be.

FINDING FISH

In another instance, Antwone is finally allowed to go trick-or-treating one year

with the other kids in his neighborhood. After he returns home with his candy, Mizz
Pickett sorts all the candy in front of the children and then sadistically locks it away,
saying, Ill give you some of this here candy, when you deserve some of this here
candy. (Fisher, 2001). He is still young but he knows already that she has no intention
of every letting him have any of the candy.
The impact of any child-rearing practice is affected by the cultural context. In one
culture, a certain custom like spanking might be considered abusive, but not in others.
Children suffer most if their parents seem to love them less when compared with the
love they witness in other children or families. If a parent forbids something that other
children have, like candy or toys, a child might feel unloved. (Berger, 2014 p. 235).
Noting that he prefers to be whipped, it is the emotional abuse and mind games that get
to young Fisher the most. He is most negatively affected by the emotional abuse
because it tears down his sense of self worth and self-esteem, which can have most
enduring social consequences. As a young boy he is convinced that he is unworthy of
love and happiness. Emotional abuse is defined as behaviors that harm a childs selfworth or emotional well-being. Examples include name calling, shaming, rejection,
withholding love, and threatening. (CDC, 2014).
Neglect, which is also a form of maltreatment, is the failure to meet a childs
basic needs. These needs include housing, food, clothing, education, and access to
medical care. (CDC, 2014). Antwone is also neglected by the Picketts. When he falls

FINDING FISH
and breaks his arm, the Picketts fail to take him to the hospital right away. Several days
later, his arm swells and he begins to run a high fever. When they finally take him to the
hospital, he has to have a number of surgeries just to save his arm from healing
improperly. As a child he learns quickly he is an unwanted burden to the Picketts, yet
he is extrinsically motivated to seek their approval. Even though he tried desperately to
please them, they never bestowed the love and approval he craved from them.
Early in his youth he was taken to supervised appointments to visit his mother
and on those days Mizz Pickett would make a miserable attempt to be nice to him. But
it dont never last, and thats why Id rather she stay her regular way. Mean. (Fisher,
2014). He especially hated her act because it pulled at his heart and let the smallest
bit of hope creep up in him, which was harder than just knowing that she would always
be spiteful. Over time, he learned that shes never to be trusted even when she puts
on that fake smile. (Fisher, 2014). Fisher never really saw his mother often enough to
develop any real feelings of attachment to her, and he didnt trust the Picketts because
of their emotional and physical abuse of him. Therefore, he never really forms a healthy
early parent/child attachment. The psychological consequences of this caused him to
become paralyzed with fear and shyness, often unable to speak up for himself.
Fisher also endured brutal physical abuse at the hand of Mizz Pickett. At one
point she whips him unconscious after his school principal catches him giving out
money and candy to other children that he stole from Mizz Picketts wallet. He was
sneaking change to buy candy for his classmates in a desperate attempt to win over
friends. Fisher writes, The next thing I remember was being in my bedroom naked, tied
by my arms to the end of the cot, and she was whipping me with a switch made from a
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FINDING FISH
thin green branch from a bush in the backyard. The whipping continued until welts
popped up on my skin and began to open. This was the day Mizz Pickett would brag
about for years to come, the day when I was eight years old that she beat me
unconscious. (Fisher, 2001).
Antwone is also subjected to repeated sexual abuse and molestation from his
babysitter. He describes the experience like a recurring nightmare. Willenda, his
babysitter drags him down stairs to the basement. She smacks him hard across the
face, violently rips off his clothes, and then forces him to perform oral sex on her.
Except it is not a dream, it is real. He is so traumatized by this maltreatment that he
becomes terrified of women and his feelings for them well past puberty. The
consequences of sexual abuse can be severe. Children who experience sexual abuse
later experience increased rates of psychological problems and the long-term cognitive
and psychosocial effects of sex abuse is much worse than the harm from other forms of
maltreatment that are more obvious. (Berger, 2014 p. 371-72).
Somehow, through all of it, none of his caseworkers realized what he was being
subjected to. The cumulative signs of his maltreatment went unnoticed. For example,
being frequently absent from school, showing repeated injuries, a reluctance to talk,
play, or move, and hypervigilance. Injuries that do not fit an accidental explanation,
such as bruises on both sides of the face or body, or bruises in the shape of a hand, or
falls that result in cuts, not scrapes can also be signs of child maltreatment. (Berger,
2014 p. 234).
To deal with his horrible home life, Antwone used his vivid imagination to help him
feel wanted and to look forward to better times in the future. At first he believed that

FINDING FISH
some hospital mix up had taken place and that his parents were out there looking for
him. And then as he matured the story evolved into that they did know where he was,
and were secretly looking out for him. Everywhere he went he kept an eye out for them
and tried to be on his best behavior so that they would be proud to claim him as the son
they always hoped for. He imagined them as kind, warm, and smart. He pictured his
father as a cool, stylish singer as his mom as young and pretty. He takes comfort from
the fact that Ms. Pickett is not his real mother and that his real mother is out there
somewhere wanting him. He dreams of his mother and father inviting him into their
home. A home filled with lots of loving people, laughter, endless pancakes, and music.
He used daydreaming to escape the horror of his home environment and would often
gaze out his window imagining himself playing in the front yard like a happy, normal kid.
He saw his foster parents as monster-like aliens that would quickly shift back into their
human form when he came into the room. He believed that someday he would sneak
up on them and catch them in their alien form.
These musings helped him cope with the stressful home situation by giving him
the hope and strength he needed to survive the coming day. A childs cognitive coping
measures can help reduce the impact of repeated stress. An important factor is how
the child interprets and incorporates events. In general, a childs interpretation of a
family situation (poverty, divorce, etc.) impacts how that situation affects him or her.
Some children consider the family they were born into a temporary hardship and they
look forward to the day when they can leave childhood behind. Additionally, some child
find escape by developing their own friends, activities, and skills, blossoming once they

FINDING FISH
are old enough, becoming increasingly autonomous and industrious. (Berger, 2014 p.
289).
At first Antwone he did well in school. He loved to learn and was glad to have
the temporary freedom from the Picketts. But soon however, the problems in his home
life began to catch up with him at school. He was brutally shy and reserved and walked
with his head low. A target for ridicule and bullying. By the first grade, he was
overlooked as a child with promise and seen as a problem student because he often
daydreamed in class. Almost every day Mizz Pickett would terrorize them with the
warning that if they did not behave, she would take than back to where they came from.
Nigga, Ill take ya back where I got you from. And just in case they were harboring
hope that their real parents would take them back, she would say they dont want cha.
Dont nobody want cha. If they did, you wouldnt be here. But dont think I want cha, I
just gotta pay my notes. (Fisher, 2001). After that, all hope of being rescued was gone
and Fisher began to accept that he lived in a combat zone and survival was his only
hope. He had to be on high alert all the time, ready to distinguish friend from foe.
(Fisher, 2001).
By third grade, school was becoming just as horrible as his home life. He begins
to have a more difficult time stepping out of his situation and escaping into his head like
he did when he was younger. Is imaginative nature begins to dim and his ability to
comfort himself becomes less frequent. I could no longer see the magic. This was
when I changed, when I had to divert and challenge my powers of imagination to my
defense against the increasing difficulties surrounding me. (Fisher, 2001). At this point,
Antwone is on his way to failing the fourth grade.

FINDING FISH
While in fourth grade, the Picketts move to a new neighborhood and Antwone is
forced to change schools. However, with his enrollment in a new school, he feels like
he has been given a chance to start over and reinvent himself. His new teacher is Mrs.
Prophet. He admires her very much because she treats all the children in the class
fairly and with respect. For the first time in his life he is able to feel equal with his peers.
She gives each of a chance to do well and to do those special helping jobs like
clapping the erasers. Its a glorious time Ill remember the rest of my life. (Fisher,
2001). He is so overjoyed to have the chance to be included and given a job because
he was always overlooked before at his other school. To cope with and avoid family
stresses, many children find comfort in activities outside of the home. These activities
help children develop a self-concept as industrious rather than inferior. To compensate
for what their home life is lacking, by middle childhood, children often begin to achieve
in school, to make friends, and to find adult mentors. (Berger, 2014 p. 289).
Mrs. Prophet was an authoritative figure in his life rather than an authoritarian
figure like Mizz Pickett and the teachers he had before her. Authoritative caregivers set
limits, but are flexible. They encourage maturity, and take the time to listen and forgive
rather than punish a child when they fail. They take it upon themselves to guide
children through difficult times rather than bail them out or demand total compliance.
(Berger, 2014 p. 217). Fisher notes, With constructive criticism, she encouraged rather
than condemned. She found something to compliment in each of us, and rewarded the
whole class for our overall positive efforts. (Fisher, 2001).
Little by little Mrs. Prophet encouraged Fisher, and the self-esteem that Mrs.
Pickett had robbed him of, began to bloom again. Over time she helped him overcome

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his stuttering and shyness with speaking in class. And despite his low grades, Mrs.
Prophet decided to promote him to the fifth grade, which he described as a miracle
that happened at just the right time. Through a turn of invents, Mrs. Prophet was able to
teach and mentor him from the fourth on to the sixth grade. This was a critical period
for his growth and development for which his was lucky to have her guidance. She not
only helped him transition into the next phase of adolescence, but also taught him
things that would help prepare him for life as an independent adult. Under her careful
and patient guidance, his grades begin to improve. Through her honest praise and
encouragement, he realizes that he can do things to improve his situation through hard
work and achievement. Fisher describes her effect on him when he writes, inside Im
flying with the birth of revelation. Its the first time Ive ever realized that theres
something I can do to make things different for myself. Not just me, but anyone. That
no matter how often someone says you cant do something, by simply working harder
and trying you can prove them wrong and actually change your circumstance. (Fisher,
2001). She makes him feel safe in her presence and is the first real mother figure he
will ever know in middle childhood.
As he began to enter into puberty, he was in desperate need of a role model and
trusted adult to guide him through the changes that were happening to his body. Mizz
Pickett could not be counted on to provide the instruction and guidance he needed to
understand the changes his body was experiencing. In fact, she scoffed at the children,
making fun of them and comparing them to animals. When his perspiration increased
and he started to smell strongly, she forced him take a bath and scrub his skin with
bleach. At this time, Mrs. Prophet began to teach lessons about the body changes of

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puberty and sexual education in school. This was an answer to his prayers and by the
sixth grade his individuality began to flourish. Supported by her love and kindness he
begins to dream about a better life and becoming a great artist.
The weight of his situation finally comes crashing in on him when Dwight, his foster
brother, runs away. Antwone sat up worrying about him night after night until finally he
finds him living like a scavenger in the basement. At that moment, Antwone realizes
that Dwight is in so much pain that he would rather squat in the basement, scrounging
and stealing food, than live in a house with the Picketts any longer. It becomes clear to
Antwone that Dwights soul and spirit was becoming twisted and bitter, crushed by the
continual stress of living with the Picketts. After that Dwight began to act out, and
despite his great potential, his mental health deteriorated with time. Eventually, he goes
on a crime spree and spends the majority of his life in prison. All children are not the
same. Some children are resilient, coping easily with stressors that cause harm to other
children. Risk-benefit analysis finds that some children are invulnerable to, or even
benefit from, circumstances that destroy others. Genes as well as cultural practices can
be either strengths or weaknesses; differential sensitivity means identical stressors can
benefit one child and harm another. (Berger, 2014 p. 288).
Finally the end of his time with the Picketts comes when he goes to the movies
with his friend Jesse. His friend marches up to the front door and rings the bell at Mizz
Picketts beloved front room. When Mizz Pickett flies off the handle at the infraction, he
tries to placate her, but to no avail. Instead, she goes on a tirade and tries to beat him
with her shoe. By now he has become numb and desensitized to her abuse and a deep
anger starts to bubble up him. Finally having enough, Antwone takes the shoe from

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her, which causes Mizz Picket to kick him out of the house. Then, after his anger
subsides, he begins to feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and freedom. But his
relief is short lived. Just as he makes it to the socialworkers office, Mizz Pickett shows
up to do damage control and accuses him of trying to take a swing at her and of
stealing her money after she forbid him from going to the movies. Finally, he realizes
that she has no power over him and he stands up to her, articulately speaking out on his
own behalf for the first time.
To cope with his homelessness, Antwone begins helping the custodian at a shelter
with his cleaning. While there, he imagines himself in the future rising to a place of
success and respectability. Antwone begins to use his imagination again to visualize
his future life. He says to the kindly Ms. Brown at the shelter, You gonna read about
me one day. (Fisher, 2001). Fisher describes how at this dark time in his life, he began
to find a way to trick himself out of his own despair by vividly imagining the person he
would someday become. He found that if he could convince others that he had a future
that eventually he could convince himself. Resilience has been defined as a dynamic
process encompassing positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.
(Berger, 2014 p. 288). There is no doubt that Antwone Fisher is a resilient individual,
because he was able to adapt well to serious stress and overcome significant adversity.
Resilience is dynamic, not static: It may be evident at one age but not another. It
is a positive adaptation to stress. For example, if a child escapes home problems via
academic involvement and school friends, it is positive adaptation. Adversity must be
significant and only major coping is called resilient. Although some children cope better

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than others, none are unaffected by their past. Sensitivity is affected by genes, early
child rearing, preschool education, and sociocultural values. (Berger, 2014 p. 287).
Just after his eighteenth birthday Fisher joins the Navy. In the Navy, he learns to
hold his head high, trust in himself, and speak out. The mentors he encounters help
him develop the confidence and sense of autonomy his needs to transition into a
responsible adult. He serves 11 years in the Navy. And in the course of his career
travels the world, learns two languages, and is awarded a number of accolades for his
dedicated service. The people he meets while in the Navy, become his surrogate
family. For the first time in his life he is able to feel the loving and warm embrace of
family unit. As they become young adults, children are able to leave family problems
behind by moving far away or establishing their own healthy relationships. (Berger,
2014 p. 289). Although and easygoing temperament and a high IQ help children cope
with adversity, those qualities are not essential. A realistic goal orientation,
persistence, and learned creativity enables;a remarkable degree of personal, social,
and occupational success, even for those with learning disabilities. (Berger, 2014 p.
289).
After his discharge from the navy, he gets a job working for the government as a
corrections office as a prison. He has to undergo surgery for jaw malformation and
realizes that he has no one to put down as his next of kin. The sparks something in him
that has been pushed aside for his entire adult life, the desire to find his relatives. He
then embarks on a journey to find his fathers family with the information his social
worker gave him all those years ago when he was finally free of Ms. Pickett, the
information burned in his memory like that awful day. Slowly and with building

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confidence he follows the trail of breadcrumbs until he makes contact with those on his
fathers side. Through them he is able to find his mother. Before meeting her he thinks
of all the things he wants to tell her about how he has been able to overcome his
circumstance in life. But when he meets her, it is nothing like what he expected. She
looks frail and much older than her age yet childlike in her demeanor. Over the years,
our mother had been for various reasons and for various periods, hospitalized,
incarcerated, and on probation. (Fisher, 2001). She is worse for the wear and
emotional when she first realizes that it is her long lost son that she is meeting for the
first time. It is immediately evident to him that her life has been very difficult and that
she was not able to overcome her demons in life. In the place inside me where the
hurt of abandonment had been, now, only compassion lived. The speech I had prepared
was meaningless. What I understood now, is that even though my road had been long
and hard, my mothers had been longer and harder. This meeting allowed him to finally
forgive his mother, heal from his past, and move on with his life.
In the end, Fisher finds the large and wonderful family that he dreamt of so many
times as a child. They welcome him with open arms as a member of their family and he
is able to reconcile all the years of neglect, abuse, and abandonment. He also has a
family of his own, a wife and daughter. He speaks in amazement and adoration of his
little family and cannot believe that his life has turned out so blessed. Sometimes it
seems that the life Im living now is only a dream. That Ive just conjured it all up to
escape the harsh reality into which I was born and otherwise would still be living in.
(Fisher, 2001). He achieves his greatest hopes and dreams and manages to become
the best version of himself, proving the world that rejected him, to be wrong. He needed

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most of all to prove Ms. Pickett wrong about him. Through sheer strength of will and the
perseverance of hard work he freed himself from the tyranny of his upbringing. The
ultimate dream came to pass. I found my family and I found myself. I unearthed the
buried treasure of who I was and had always been. (Fisher, 2001).

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Reflection
1. Reflect on what you learned about real life in doing this project. How has doing this
assignment changed the way you think, feel or behave in your own life or career?
From the very beginning of Antwones story, I felt a deep connection to his
experience. I too was faced with many experiences in my youth that I sometimes
wonder in amazement at how I was able to make it through in one piece. It is nothing
short of a miracle that he was able to become a loving and thoughtful human being. And
just like with Antwone, it seems that many people contributed at just the right time with
just the right lesson, thought, or gesture, to help me along the way. It was those
moments of kindness that were the stepping stones out of the darkness. This
experience has helped me to understand how significant small acts of concern or
empathy can be to a persons development, growth, and resiliency, especially during
difficult times. I realize now that I can be that for someone else. I now have the
knowledge and strength to be there for someone who may need my help at a critical
time in their life. Perhaps Fisher and I were lucky because we were both metaphoric
dandelions and not orchids. Many people do not make it out in one piece. They suffer
under the weight of their memories, bogged down by their mistreatment only to repeat
the cycle of abuse and lash out at the world. But no matter how bad things can get,
there is always hope. There is always something that you can change for the better, and
that is what I intend to do.
2. How has doing this project enhanced or your understanding of developmental
psychology? How will you use this information in the future?
Reading Antwones story was an emotional and poignant psychological journey
for me. And because of that, it is a story I will never forget. He touches on almost every
major theme we covered in this class using vivid detail and real-life examples. In that
sense, it helped me connect the dots from a cursory text book understanding to a
deeply held knowledge that I can use throughout my life. I want to use the things I
learned from this experience to improve my relationships in life. How can I be a better,
friend, parent, neighbor, sister, etc.? Just asking the question is the first step. I also
plan on using the lessons from this class in my future career in the medical field. Before

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this class, it honestly never occurred to me how central a fundamental understanding of
human psychology, growth, and development could be to really helping a patient. I now
feel armed with the information I need to make a positive and lasting difference for the
people I encounter.

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References
Fisher, Antwone (2001). Finding Fish: A Memoir. New York, NY: Harpertorch.
Berger, S., B. (2014). Invitation To The Lifespan. 2nd edition. New York, NY: Worth
Publishers.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, CDC (2014). Understanding Child
Maltreatment. http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childmaltreatment/index.html.

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