Comments Essay #1

1. When reading through this paper I stumbled across this sentence, as

it was very confusing to me. I tweaked the wording of the sentence to
make it easier for my audience to read. I felt it made more sense this
way and made it shorter and simpler making it clearer for everyone to
understand.
2. As I read the sentence that came before this one discussing the fact
that all of the girls have the same interest which is cheerleading. As I
kept going the next sentence stated all of the girls have different
interests.. This totally contradicted the previous sentence. I was able to
change it to make it go with the sentences surrounding it to get the
point across. I found a better way to describe how we all are different
yet become one in this discourse community.
3.I chose to revise this area of my paper based off of the audience I
have with my unit one paper. I introduced Swales in the beginning
because he is the main focus of this paper. I was able to tie in
opportunity cost while explaining my discourse community and what it
is about. Opportunity cost came from Ann Johns. I wasnt thinking
before that my audience isnt familiar with any of these people. I now
have decided to introduce Ann Johns for my audience as well as define
opportunity cost. This change will be helpful for the people reading my
paper.
4. I felt this sentence was very repetitive, as I have stated it previously
a few times already. I figured since the point of the paragraph was to
describe apply Swales six characteristics to my specific discourse
community I would change the sentence to show that. This way the
audience knows that Im going to show how my team specifically uses
Swales characteristics.
5. This was a small error I made while writing this paper. I wrote or
before by accident but we actually holding meetings AND we attend
practices not either one.
6. I tweaked this sentence mainly to show that the point of the
mechanisms of intercommunication was to use them to be able to give
feedback. I wanted to show that on my team we use those practices
and meetings to get feedback from our coach. Before the sentence I
wrote didnt do a good job of showing the connection between the
second and third characteristic.
7. When I first wrote this paper I was familiar with Swales six
characteristics, but now I have a much better understanding of them.

Before when I was defining the threshold of members I got confused

and thought it meant just amongst the team members. Now I know it is
between everyone in the discourse community, which included our
coach. I was able to tweak the sentence adding the fact that my coach
is the most experience as well as we have different amounts of
experience amongst the teammates as well.