Lindsey Waldo

Interview Assignment

I chose to interview my friend Carrie. She is a 37 year-old, Hispanic,

vegan, homeschooling single mother. She is a widow, runs a licensed
home daycare and is almost finished with her graduate work in Special
Education. She was raised in South Texas. Both of her parents are
highly educated and were secondary school teachers before their
retirement. Her father was/is physically and emotionally abusive. Her
family has a history of depression and addiction. Her older sister
committed suicide when she was a teenager due to depression and
substance abuse as well as her older brother committing suicide by
cop in his early thirties. She has a seven year-old son, Stephen, who
was diagnosed with autism as a toddler. We met four years ago as I
was searching for childcare for my oldest son. These facts dont even
scratch the surface of the person and parent she is. She and Stephen
are family to us now and she continues to be an inspiration to me as a
mother. I spoke with her about this assignment and she was more than
happy to be interviewed. I recorded the audio of our interview for later
transcription. She declined to have their names changed for anonymity.
Please see the interviews entirety in the appendix.

The interview consisted of eight questions that covered various topics

such as her ideals on parenting, how she parents, how parenthood has
changed her, and factors that have impacted her parenting. Below,
some topics will be grouped as they correspond to each other.

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Interview Assignment

One of Carries greatest positive experiences as a parent has been the

bond she has with Stephen. Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder
have varying degrees of socioemotional impairment (Brooks p.265).
Because of this, attachment relationships between children with ASD
and their parents do not typically follow normative patterns. Carrie and
Stephen overcame the difficulties of his delays and were able to form a
secure attachment. Carrie attributes this to hard work, but also to their
early involvement in therapy after Stephens diagnosis. This is an
example of the texts mention that, for most disabilities and delays,
the earlier the diagnosis and intervention, the greater the childs
progress (Brooks p.266). Unfortunately Carrie is familiar with physical
child maltreatment and the fact that children with disabilities are at
greater risk. She takes pride that despite the difficulties, she was able
to break the cycle and also attributes their strong attachment.

Though she describes it as liberal, Carrie parents in an authoritative

style. She said that early on in Stephens life, she knew that she didnt
want their lives to revolve around her telling him how he should be and
telling him no all day-every day. She uses sensitive discipline
techniques by being sensitive to his needs and personality and setting
boundaries and adjusting them accordingly. She feels that as long as
he is not hurting anyone or himself, he should be free to explore his

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Interview Assignment

world within safe measures. She is a firm believer in natural

consequences. She feels that letting him experience the natural
consequences of his actions in small matters now will help him
understand the ramifications of his actions when he is older. For
example, if Stephen is acting out when visiting a friend, Carrie will
decline the next offer. She will let Stephen know that they have been
invited again, but because he did not treat his friend well the previous
time, they will not be going.

When discussing how parenthood changed her, she noted the largest
impact being her health both physically and mentally. Because Stephen
was and is still such a busy child, as well as the children in her care,
she avoids being in her head. She says that before becoming a
parent, she didnt realize how much time she spent dwelling in the past
and overthinking things. She tries to emulate the childrens ability to
be present in the moment. Needing to be mentally present to care for
the children has helped her to manage her anxious or depressive
thoughts. She also notes that she originally began getting physically
active so that she would have the energy to keep up with Stephen.
Becoming physically healthier through diet and exercise gave her the
energy she needed, but also helped her become more mentally healthy
and a more well-rounded person. Having a child, and one with
disabilities especially made her be less of a control freak. These

Lindsey Waldo

Interview Assignment

methods of managing daily stress allow her to be a more effective and

present parent.

Like any parent, Carrie has regrets or things she wishes she had done a
little differently. Her husband passed while she was pregnant with
Stephen. Chapter 5 of our text discusses how a mothers depression
can have direct biological effects on children (Brooks P. 156). Carrie
tried very hard not to be overwhelmed with grief because she was
aware of these impacts on children in utero. Most parents of children
with disabilities struggle with feelings of guilt that in some unknown
way they are responsible for the childs difficulties (Brooks p. 266).
Carrie is no exception. Most of her regrets involve being too upset
about her husbands death and her diet during pregnancy (she once
ate an entire chocolate cake, completely unlike any other pregnant
woman). As an aside she also wishes she had worked harder to
establish a better sleep routine. They still currently struggle with sleep
issues and as the text states, good quality sleep is related to physical,
cognitive, and emotional well-being (Brooks p. 182).

Appendix A
Parenting Interview: Carrie
What does being a good parent mean to you?
Carrie: You know when I was growing up, I felt like, I just didnt have a
lot ofI just focus what I want to be on what I didnt have. And I think
that giving them as much support as possible learning support but also
emotional support. Gosh, I know theres a lot of the friend parenting

Lindsey Waldo

Interview Assignment

thats so popular right now. Everybodys like be their friend and I

think that that means, I feel like I want to be a friend for Stephen of
course. Sometimes I think were too depwe depend on each other too
much, but since its just he and I, I think it changes the dynamic. Good
parentinga good parentI think its super important to help kids find
their gifts. And know their gifts. When I reached adulthood, I had no
idea what my gifts were. And so I think that thats really important. To
help them know what those gifts are and develop those gifts. So that
they dont, arent thrown into adulthood and have no idea what they
want to do, where to go or where to move or where to put their energy.
So I think thats important,. I think thats probably one of the most
important. Help them to be independent and confident, but knowing
your gifts is such a huge part of that. Its hard to be confident and
independent if you dont know what your strengths and gifts are. So for
me thats a big focus. Find those gifts, develop them, support them and
help them grow.
What is your goal for Stephen? What do you want him to have out of
life?
Carrie: I really want himI feel like knowing your gifts, going back to
that, being able to use them in whatever way that is. I feel like
creating in someway. You create through your gifts. I feel like you
create new things through that. I feel that is so important to health. So
I guess I mean spiritual health, and cognitive and all of that. All of it
rolled into one. So I would say, good health. In every way. Spiritually,
cognitively, physically. I want him to know who he is and be fulfilled in
that.
How would you describe your approach to parenting?
Carrie: Its so funny; Ill read these magazines that are talking about all
these, so many different views on parenting and stuff. And when Im
reading about different types Im thinking, I get worried, Am I a very
liberal minded, do I raise my child very liberal minded? But I fell like
that, especially with autism, its hard sometimes, because I dont want
to spend my day correcting him and telling him this is the way youre
supposed to be. And that because of all of the delays that he has is
different areas, its really hard to do that. Because they dont follow
through typical developmental pattern, and the norms. And so, I found
out very early that, even when he was an infant I didnt want to spend
my days saying dont do that, dont do that. No, no, no. and so in
some ways I had to stop trying to be a control freak. And basically let
him explore the world, explore people. Even if the outcome is negative.
And for him to learn in that way. And even when he gets a negative
response, because of the autism he doesnt view it in a negative way.
Like if people have a huge reaction, he finds his amusement in that. SO
its really hard to teach him because he has an opposite reaction to

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Interview Assignment

things. SO I would say its really hard. So to allow him to explore and
learn. As long as hes not hurting himself and not hurting other people I
feel like he needs that. I think he needs to be able to make mistakes.
And he needs to be able to feel those consequences-the natural
consequences of that on his own. And so, I think maybe Im too freerange.*laughing* I dont know.
What is your approach to discipline?
Oh, Discipline. I have such a hard time with that because I dont want it
to be negative but at the same time I want him to learn consequence.
In real life, consequences are negative. And so, I try to keep it in line
with that. You know, I read this great book once that talked about
letting them experience those natural consequences when the stakes
are small because as they grow the stakes will become much higher.
And so, to get them to see that connection, and how important it is. I
think that that sounds right to me. That sounds like a real natural way
to learn the negative consequences of our behavior. So I really try to
just keep it in line with that and keep the consequences, instead of
something that has nothing to do withlike no spanking or hittingtry
to connect it. So if we go to a friends and he acting out and then when
we are invited the next time, Ill say no and let him know that we were
invited but I said no because, Ill just explain that the last time we were
there we didnt treat our friends very nicely and I think that we should
go today. I think it just helps him remember that.
What positive experiences have you had as a parent?
You know for me, because depression was always a real hard thing for
my family. So it followed through all of us, its been like a curse. I dont
know, with Stephen because he was always so busy, and kids are just
so busy in general, it just made me get out of my head. I didnt have
time to be in y head. Its like if youre in your head, someones gonna
get hurt. SO it made me focus on the now. I never realized how much
time I had spent in my own head and what a horrible thing it is to be in
your own head, overthinking, thinking back. All these negative things.
And it really helped me to focus on the now. And now I love that. And it
keeps me focused. Even in my job, I love that they keep my mindset in
the now. And to be more like kids, kids arent thinking about yesterday.
Theyre in the now and experiencing the now. And I try to follow suit.
Made me realize also that learning is a lifelong process. I dont think I
realized that before I had a child. I guess I thought you just learn in
school and then youre done. Youre not in school then youre just
done. So it really helped me to realize that and to keep learning and
growing. If he asks me questions I dont know then werre gonna have
to learn about it. You never stop learning.
What would you do differently?

Lindsey Waldo

Interview Assignment

Well, you know the pregnancy, I have so much guilt about the
pregnancy, because his dad passed during the pregnancy. I tried so
hard not to be overwhelmed with sadness and especially and knowing
how much your mood and your diet and how important it is during
pregnancy. Theyve made a lot of connections between brain
development and emotional state and all kinds of things in the mother.
And Im just like, oh my gosh. And so I feel, not that I could have
changed a lot of that, but I would haveI dont know. I tell myself that I
would have done more to take better care of myself. Because I do
remember eating an entire chocolate cake at one time. And I
remember having double lunches for like the last three months of the
pregnancy. But, I would have started veganism earlier. Which I didnt
start until after he was born. I would have started it earlier and stuck
with it for him. And now, I think its gonna be harder. But I really want
him to be and he really wants to be too, soand just helping him to
get a better schedule right from the start. Especially with kids with
autism thats a very hard thing for them. Having regular sleep times.
Were still struggling with it at 7 so I tell myself if I could do it over I
would have been more firm, but that, thats hard. So, those things stick
out in my mind as I wish I had done better at that time.
What are you most proud of as a parent?
You know, Im proud that we are so close and that Ive worked to
maintain that, form a strong bond with him. I know that kids with
disabilities have a higher likelihood of being abused and things like that
and he was such a difficult baby and such a child, but, and so Im
proud that we stuck with it. We worked hard. You know, that we got
involved in therapy so early and Im just proud for all his progress and
stuff. But hes everything to me, so, just that we formed such a strong
bond despite all the challenges we had. We worked hard at that.
How has being a parent changed you?
It has made me such a better person I think. Like I said, I wasnt in my
head so I just want to be the best for him. As a parent you want to
set the best example. Ive become much more healthy. In every way.
And I feel like Im using my gifts and he helped me to see my gifts
which I really hadnt realized I had those gifts, you know. And hes
helped me to see that. I feel that Im good at it and he helped me to
see that. I got healthier for him. I started exercising for him, so that I
could have more energy to put intofor him. I made a lot of life
changes for him. And then only realized later how much happier I was
after the fact. I didnt go into it thinking, oh Ill be so much more wellrounded and happier person. I was all I have to do something, I have to
make changes. And I was kind of forced to make those changes and
then I was like oh, this is better. Gosh I would have to say it changed

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Interview Assignment

my health-mental health, physical health, my whole perspective on life,

I think. It really changed me.