MichaelanApted

LoriFisher
HumanitiesII
10May2015
GrowthasaPoet
TheperspectiveIcommunicatedinmypoemhasgrownalotthroughoutmydraft,slowly
becomingmorespecificandfleshedout.Inmyfirstdraft,Iillustratedhowpeoplearecorrupted
andcontrolledbysocietyandthattheyshouldlearntothinkforthemselvesandbefree.Inthe
thirdstanza,IsuggestthatthereaderCommandthesuntogo,/Andletthewenchesbe
free./Takeawaythatchain,/Thenjustgototheball./Someghostsink./Somewillgetcalledtothe
light..Thisspeaksofdisobeyingsocietysrulesandrestrictionsandthenjustlivinglifethefun,
freewayyoudesire.However,thiswasfairlyvagueasamessage,makingitdifficultto
communicatewithoutdumblyspellingitout.Therefore,Ilaterresolvedtomakemymessage
moreconcreteandnarrow,focusingmainlyonreligiousmanipulationandpeopleusinggodas
anexcusetokill.ThatsameexactstanzalaterbecameWatchtheirbuildingsfallonday
eleven,/Andthrowyourholygrenades./Listentotheangelspsalm,/Screamingfollowedby
silence./Somemartyrshavefright./Somewillgetcalledtothelight.Throughmultiplechanges
andrevisions,mynewmeaningbecamechangedovertime,eventuallybecomingmoredefined
andclear.Mypoemstillcommunicatesthemessageofpeoplebeingcontrolledbysocietyand
doingwhatotherstellthemto,butnow,itisonamuchmorespecificlevel.Warandkillingare
someofthemosthorribleatrocitiesintheworld,andusingreligionasatoolforcarryingthem
outiscowardly.Therefore,Iutilizedmypoemtopaintapictureofreligiousmanipulationand
peoplekillinginGodsname.Whilestillrememberingmypoemsroots,Ifleshedoutmy
poemsmeaningandspecificallyportrayedthereligiousaspectofsocietalmanipulation.
OnemajorchangeImadethroughoutmypoemwascreateaholy,spiritualtone
throughoutthepiece.IdidthisbyanalyzingthemoodandconnotationwitheverywordIstated
andcarefullydeterminediftherewasawaytostatethesameexactthingwithsomesortofa
religiousaspectattachedtoit.AlineofthefirststanzaoriginallystatedSomewillbeburied
alive.Thislineadequatelycommunicatedhowsomepeoplewillbepunishedbyreligionand
die.However,Iwantedtoaddsomekindofareligiousconnotationtotheline,asitseemedabit
plain.Therefore,IchangedittoSomewillbeburiedinlight.Thissendsthesamemessageof
deathofconsequence,butseemedmuchmoredynamic.Beingburiedinlightsoundsmuch
coolerthansimplybeingburiedalive.Additionally,lightiscommonlyassociatedwithholiness
andspirituality.Thisverysmallchangeassociatedreligionwiththedeathandpaintedapicture
ofmightygodsmitingnonbelievers.
Throughoutmypoem,Imadeseveralreferencestoreligiouswarfareandkillingsthat
havehappenedinhistorytodemonstratetheatrocitiesofkillinginGodsname,whilealso
makingmypointclear.OnereferenceImadewastoWatchtheirbuildingsfall,/Fortheystained
theholylandred.Thiswasadecentreference,butitwasntcompletelyclear.Iintendedto

makeanodtowards9/11andthecrusades,butthisisntentirelyclear.Inordertoclarifythese
lines,Iaddedgreaterdepthandincludedspecificnamesofhistoricalfigures,nowstatingHold
upSaintGeorgesflag,/AndconquertheholylandforPopeUrban./...Watchtheirbuildingsfall
ondayeleven.SaintGeorgeandPopeUrbanwerehugesupportersofthecrusadesandmaybe
largelyresponsibleforstartingtheactofusingreligionasanexcusetokill.Additionally,saying
dayelevenmakesitmuchclearerthatIamreferencingtheeventsof9/11.Thisdepthensures
thatmypoemisclearandthattheaudienceunderstandsmyreferences.Thiselaboratesonthe
religiousmeaningofmypoemandhighlightstheatrocitiesthathaveoccurredinhistory.
Lastly,thebiggestpartofmypoemthatIrevisedwasitsclarityandifitevenmade
sense.ThefinalstanzainanearlydraftofmypoemwentYouknowtheseclocksbeattimeout
veryslowly./Theyrejustwaitingforsomethingthatllneverarrive./Thedarkcardiologist
says/Tohaveaheartattack.Thissectiondidntreallyfitinwiththerestofthepoemandmaybe
didntevenmakeanysense.Iwasintroducingnewsymbols,clockandhearts,whichtherestof
thepoemdidntreferenceatall.Therefore,Ihadtodeletethesefewlinesandreplacethemwith
clearerones,tyingintotherestofthepoem.MyrevisedlinesthenstatedAsIstandamongthe
carcassesofevil,/IknowIhavepurgedthedarkness./Mydivineworkiscomplete,/AndIcan
finallytakemyneededrest.Theselinesmuchbetterrelatedtotherestofmypoem,recallingto
theideaofpeoplewithdifferingbeliefsapparentlybeingevilanddark.Thisnewfinal
stanzaismuchclearerthanbeforeandensuresamuchgreaterlevelofclarityandunderstanding
amongmyaudience.Theserevisionsmadeapurelymediocrepoemintoanamazingone.Iam
happytosaythatconstantcorrectionsandimprovementsimprovedmypoemgreatlytoalevelI
cantrulybeproudof.